Named characters
17094 John (163) lady (47)/baby (9)/this man (4)/my brother (3)/my beautiful girl (2)/darling (2)/My Lord (1)/your God (1)/my Lady of The Manor (1)/the Lady of the Sex Manor (1)/My self - professed bath man (1)/a realist (1)/You bastard (1)/an extraordinary daddy (1)/this man that make me despair (1)/My devastating man (1)/Good boy (1)/a bad boy (1)/you stupid woman (1)/your beautiful girl (1)/wife (1)/my husband (1)/a savage (1)/the bastard (1)/Good girl (1)/You stubborn man (1)/the stupid man (1)/the one who relents , more concerned for him than he is for himself (1)/a big , powerful man , who has been reduced to a weak , injured soul (1)/my Jesse (1)/mummy (1)
4818 Jesse (939)/God (27)/Mr Ward (21)/Jesse Ward (16)/Ward (16)/Jesus (12)/Urm (3)/Central Jesse Cloud Nine (2)/pre - Jesse (1)/madman Jesse (1)/the drunken Jesse (1)/dominant Jesse (1)/Jesus fucking Christ (1)/God Jesse (1)/Marked (1)/Mr Amazing (1)/Christ (1)/Mr Jesse Ward (1)/Jesus Christ (1) baby (71)/this man (10)/that man (4)/my mum (3)/This man (3)/a baby (3)/this baby (2)/lady (2)/Sir (2)/son (2)/Jesse ’s best man (1)/My dad (1)/mum (1)/my doctor (1)/my brooding man (1)/the man (1)/The man (1)/You stupid woman (1)/your wife (1)/Good girl (1)/The big guy (1)/girl (1)/my husband (1)/This devastating man (1)/this ex - playboy (1)/an amazing daddy (1)/my baby (1)/Jesse ’s sweet , innocent , wholesome housekeeper (1)/the policeman (1)/The white coated man (1)/a regular at these house parties (1)/a hedonistic playboy (1)/the maker (1)/a shit liar (1)/this stranger who has spent the best part of her time in the seafront eatery staring at me (1)/a troubled man (1)/Jesse ’s dad (1)/my brother (1)/the anxious fool (1)/his deranged , pregnant wife (1)/the obnoxious , woman using , arsehole is in love , married and now expecting twins (1)/his angel (1)/the man who I know and love (1)
2133 Ava (404)/Ava O’Shea (4)/Ava Ward (2)/Ward (2)/AVA (1) baby (12)/woman (10)/darling (5)/lady (5)/girl (5)/mum (3)/The Lord (2)/my mother (2)/his wife (2)/this man (2)/My beautiful girl (1)/the neurotic fool (1)/Lady (1)/another woman (1)/one woman (1)/that man (1)/dear (1)/sir (1)/Good girl (1)/my wife (1)/my girl (1)/my melodramatic mother (1)/your mother (1)/my beautiful , defiant girl (1)/the happiest man on this fucking planet (1)/my beautiful wife (1)/this lady (1)
842 Kate (198)/Tessa (23)/Mummy (6)/Matthews (2)/Katie Matthews (1) my mum (52)/my mother (17)/My mum (9)/mum (2)/your daughter (2)/My mother (1)/wife (1)/my daughter (1)/her daughter (1)/You ’re mother (1)/mother (1)/my dad (1)/a member of The Manor (1)/my best friend (1)/The cheeky bitch (1)/the cheeky bitch (1)/The baby (1)/woman (1)/your mother (1)/my delightful mother (1)/a grandmother (1)/my poor mum (1)/a great girl (1)/baby (1)/their mother (1)/my little lady (1)/the prodigy of your daughter (1)/The stupid woman (1)
504 Dan (135)/Joseph (10)/Daniel Joseph O’Shea (1) this woman (10)/my dad (2)/my brother (2)/dad (1)/a touchy - feely man at all (1)/the most tolerant man on the planet (1)/My dad (1)/my wife (1)/This woman (1)/that woman (1)/my nosey , gay friend and looking curiously across at the strange woman who ’s sitting at my desk (1)/the strange woman who ’s sitting at my desk (1)/a woman (1)/the usual bright eyed , fresh skinned woman who I ’ve become used to (1)/another scorned ex - lover (1)/his mother (1)/baby (1)
385 Sarah (56)/Sal (44)/Sally (10)/sparkling Sal (1) the woman (6)/your mother (3)/The woman (2)/her new fellow (1)/his office girl (1)/Your mother (1)/a women behind me (1)/girl (1)/my little lady (1)/my defiant little lady (1)/my wife (1)/daddy (1)
353 Patrick (77)/Sun - Pat (3)/Pat (1) my boss (9)/My boss (2)/the driver (1)/Patrick of Mikael (1)/my three colleagues , who are all sitting quietly with their heads down (1)
337 Ruth (37)/Ruth Quinn (16)/Girl (2)/S’all (1) girl (26)/Girl (2)/my tiresome but infectiously enthusiastic client (1)/mother (1)/that Danish mother fucker (1)/mother fucker (1)/my friendly client (1)/ex - wife of Jesse (1)
271 Cathy (72) dear (5)
232 Casey (26)/Lusso (18)/Pete (13)/Poor Pete (1) sir (7)/this man (2)/dad (1)/Sir (1)/a waitress armed with a pad and pen , ready to take our order (1)/The wife (1)/her pussy whipped lover , who did exactly what she asked in an attempt to please her (1)
229 Sam (111)/SAM (2) wife (5)/my friend (1)
228 Mum (57) my mum (15)/mum (12)/my mother (2)/your mother (1)/the woman (1)
215 Dad (23) my dad (18)/dad (5)/My dad (4)/my mum (1)/my Dad (1)/my uncle (1)/My Dad (1)/your father (1)/my husband (1)/this man (1)/my father (1)/son (1)
153 [NARRATOR] my beautiful girl (8)/My beautiful girl (5)/Your God (2)/this man (2)/the perfect woman hovering over us (1)/this God (1)/beautiful girl (1)/my lady (1)/Good boy (1)/mummy (1)
131 Jake (27)/Jacob (9)/Jay (8) the doorman (4)/the genius (1)/his brother (1)
128 Tom (45)
91 Coral (31) the baby (5)/you stupid cow (1)/The crafty fucking bitch (1)
90 Maddie (14) my baby girl (3)/my baby (2)/My little lady (1)/My wife (1)
88 Elizabeth (26) my mother (2)/my determined mother (1)/my daughter (1)/darling (1)/my little lady (1)
88 Mrs Ward (23)/Ward (6)
84 Matt (28)/post - Matt (1) dad (15)/My husband (1)/Boy (1)/girl (1)/mum (1)/the fucking bastard (1)/my person (1)
84 Steve (17)/the poor Steve (1)
81 Mikael (40)
77 Irene (8) his wife (12)/a frightening woman (1)/Interesting woman (1)/my wife (1)/my daughter (1)/my mum (1)/her mother (1)/a husband (1)/your wife (1)/Your ex - wife (1)/my ex - wife (1)/that womaniser (1)
65 Drew (25)
65 Daddy (9) my baby boy (2)/birthday boy (1)/the good looking little fucker (1)
61 Carmichael (21)/Uncle Carmichael (1) his daughter (3)/my brother (1)/Carmichael ’s best friend (1)/the psychotic woman who nearly robbed him from me (1)
61 Beatrice (10) the nurse (9)/The nurse (4)/A nurse (1)/her granddaughter (1)
55 Baby (17)
54 Clive (27)
53 Patrick (3)/Sort Patrick (1)
48 Mario (22)
44 Victoria (31)
40 Darling (4)
36 Amalie (19)/Henry (6)/Amalie , who have since been joined by Henry (1)
34 Mick (1)/Mick Hucknell (1)
33 Doctor Monroe (7) The policeman (3)/my doctor (1)/my Doctor (1)/a baby (1)/My baby (1)/this baby (1)/Carmichael ’s baby (1)/the red faced policeman (1)
31 Lord (1) my grouchy Lord (1)/young man (1)
28 Mr (1) your husband (5)/Your husband (4)/my new husband (1)/my brother (1)/my husband (1)/my lover (1)
27 Lord (1)
26 Rosie (9)
20 Angel (6)/Aunty Angela (1)/aunty Angela (1)
19 Mother (3) mother (2)/Jesse ’s mother (1)
17 Justin (2)
16 Lauren (11) the daughter of my mum and dad ’s good friends (1)
15 Wife (1)
13 Mr Moody (1)
12 Lord (1)
12 Jaws (1)
11 Zoe (2)/Zoe of Harrods (1)/Harrods (1)
11 Etta James (1)
11 The Tapas (1) Evening guests (1)
11 Harvey (3)
10 Jesse (8)/Laidback Jesse (2)
9 Barbie (1)
9 Aston Martin (2)/an Aston Martin (2)
8 Twins (5)
8 Nana (3)/Nana Lizabeth (2)
7 Chirpy (1)
7 Hmmm (3)
7 Doctor David (2)/David (2)
6 Sleepy (1)
6 Pregnancy (4)
6 the DBS (6)
6 Mussels (2)
6 Mooch (1)
6 the Dane (1)/The Dane (1)
6 Rebecca (1) their Rebecca (1)
5 Mr Van Der Haus (3)/Van Der Haus (1)
5 Amber (1)
5 Ouch (1)
4 Habit (1)
4 Lord (2) my neurotic Lord (2)
4 Ginger (2)
4 Trample (1)
4 Everyone (1)
3 Miss Quinn (3)
3 Dish (1)
3 Cornwall (2)
3 Lady (1)
3 Miss O’Shea (1)
3 Pinning (1)
3 Paradise (3)
3 Mama (1)
3 That (1)
2 Flower (2)
2 Snow Patrol (2)
2 Lord (1) my possessive Lord (1)
2 Mrs Kent (1)/Ken (1)
2 Dunno (1)
2 Black Sabbath (1)
2 Massive (1)/Massive Attack (1)
2 Mr JT (1)
2 Camden (1)
2 Hmmmmm (1)
2 Georgia (1)
Major entities (proper, common)
FAC
8 Central Jesse Cloud Nine
3 the DBS
2 Luxemburg Gardens
2 John ’s Range Rover
1 Buckingham Palace
1 Massive Attack ’s Angel
1 Green Park
1 Berkeley Square
1 the Car park of Lusso
1 Bruton Street
78 The Manor/magnificent Jesse ’s county estate/the Sex Manor/the entrance hall of The Manor
61 home/My home/the place where Jesse and I will live together as husband and wife/Jesse ’s home/Ruth Quinn ’s house/Ruth ’s home
57 the bar/the busy bar
54 the kitchen/The kitchen/the room
48 the room/The room/my room/the suite/the summer room/this room/the master suite/the villa/the kitchen
43 here
35 the bathroom/the bedroom/Bathroom/the suite ’s bathroom/another bathroom/the lovely toilet/the wardrobe
30 the road/the fucking road/the well - worn road/a road
27 the office/The office/his office/the conference room
26 the stairs
GPE
21 London
12 Paradise
10 Lusso
8 Australia
6 Spain
5 Rococo Union
4 Denmark
4 Cornwall
3 Piccadilly
3 Newquay
7 The Manor
5 the city/City
4 this place/This place
2 the country
1 here
1 the UK
1 The Manor
1 said Manor
1 the darkest most desperate place
1 a place where Jesse is pulling his hair out while I look on , smiling as our two toddlers
LOC
3 the Mediterranean
9 the world
6 the island
6 the beach/a beach
6 the sea
3 the sand
3 the planet
3 the area
2 the fucking planet
2 earth
2 the shore
PER
1047 Jesse/God/Mr Ward/Jesse Ward/Ward/Jesus/Urm/Central Jesse Cloud Nine/pre - Jesse/madman Jesse/the drunken Jesse/dominant Jesse/Jesus fucking Christ/God Jesse/Marked/Mr Amazing/Christ/Mr Jesse Ward/Jesus Christ
413 Ava/Ava O’Shea/Ava Ward/Ward/AVA
230 Kate/Tessa/Mummy/Matthews/Katie Matthews
163 John
146 Dan/Joseph/Daniel Joseph O’Shea
113 Sam/SAM
111 Sarah/Sal/Sally/sparkling Sal
81 Patrick/Sun - Pat/Pat
72 Cathy
58 Casey/Lusso/Pete/Poor Pete
135 baby/this man/that man/my mum/This man/a baby/this baby/lady/Sir/son/Jesse ’s best man/My dad/mum/my doctor/my brooding man/the man/The man/You stupid woman/your wife/Good girl/The big guy/girl/my husband/This devastating man/this ex - playboy/an amazing daddy/my baby/Jesse ’s sweet , innocent , wholesome housekeeper/the policeman/The white coated man/a regular at these house parties/a hedonistic playboy/the maker/a shit liar/this stranger who has spent the best part of her time in the seafront eatery staring at me/a troubled man/Jesse ’s dad/my brother/the anxious fool/his deranged , pregnant wife/the obnoxious , woman using , arsehole is in love , married and now expecting twins/his angel/the man who I know and love
105 my mum/my mother/My mum/mum/your daughter/My mother/wife/my daughter/her daughter/You ’re mother/mother/my dad/a member of The Manor/my best friend/The cheeky bitch/the cheeky bitch/The baby/woman/your mother/my delightful mother/a grandmother/my poor mum/a great girl/baby/their mother/my little lady/the prodigy of your daughter/The stupid woman
92 lady/baby/this man/my brother/my beautiful girl/darling/My Lord/your God/my Lady of The Manor/the Lady of the Sex Manor/My self - professed bath man/a realist/You bastard/an extraordinary daddy/this man that make me despair/My devastating man/Good boy/a bad boy/you stupid woman/your beautiful girl/wife/my husband/a savage/the bastard/Good girl/You stubborn man/the stupid man/the one who relents , more concerned for him than he is for himself/a big , powerful man , who has been reduced to a weak , injured soul/my Jesse/mummy
65 baby/woman/darling/lady/girl/mum/The Lord/my mother/his wife/this man/My beautiful girl/the neurotic fool/Lady/another woman/one woman/that man/dear/sir/Good girl/my wife/my girl/my melodramatic mother/your mother/my beautiful , defiant girl/the happiest man on this fucking planet/my beautiful wife/this lady
46 my brother/My brother/my sister/my usually fiery friend/a man/my friends/Ava ’s brother/my brothers/brother/my husband
45 my husband/my brother/My husband/My ex - playboy/my wife/lady/My God/one happy man/my partner/your husband/a child with Carmichael/her daughter/her lover
41 this man/This man/a very talented man/the lucky bastard/another man/my crazy husband/a rubbish liar/baby/my husband/lady/a great guy/my God/The woman standing in front of me/the man who she wants it with/This Man/my Lord/The Sex Lord of The Manor
36 my dad/dad/My dad/my mum/my Dad/my uncle/My Dad/your father/my husband/this man/my father/son
34 girl/Girl/my tiresome but infectiously enthusiastic client/mother/that Danish mother fucker/mother fucker/my friendly client/ex - wife of Jesse
31 my parents/My parents/your parents/My babies
ORG
1 The Department of Health
1 The surveillance company
1 an interior design company
1 primary school
VEH
2 the DBS
1 the Jacuzzis
1 his Range Rover
53 the car/your car/The car/the strange car/a car/the prestigious car/this lovely car
27 my car/My car/his own car/my Mini/No car/your car/Jesse ’s car
10 his car/the car/my new car/John ’s car
6 a car
6 a plane/the jet/this little plane
5 the jet/the Jet
4 cars
4 my Mini
4 Jesse ’s car/a familiar car
4 the ambulance
Text
Chapter 1 [My]2813-john nerves are shot to bits . [I]2813-john do n’t know why . [I]2813-john know [I]2813-john ’m doing the right thing , but damn [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] a stupid mass of nerves . [I]2813-john ’m alone , [my]2813-john first few , silent , reflective moments of the day so far and probably the last . [I]2813-john ’ve been waiting for this tiny snippet of time , begging for it among the chaos surrounding [me]2813-john . [I]2813-john need this moment , just [me]2813-john to [myself]2813-john , absorbing the massive leap that [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] taking trying to gather [myself]2813-john together . [I]2813-john know these moments will likely be precious from this day forward . It ’s [my]2813-john wedding day . It ’s the day [I]2813-john promise [myself]2813-john to [this man]222-this man for the rest of [my]2813-john life — not that [I]2813-john need a piece of paper or a metal band on [my]2813-john finger to do that . But [he]222-this man does . That ’s why only two weeks after [he]222-this man fell to [his]222-this man knee on [the terrace of [Lusso]95-lusso]223-the terrace of lusso , [I]2813-john ’m marrying [this man]222-this man . And why [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] now sitting in [my]2813-john robe on a chaise lounge in [one of [the private suites of [The Manor]226-the manor]225-the private suites of the manor]224-one of the private suites of the manor — [the suite where [Jesse]52-jesse cornered [me]2813-john all those weeks ago]224-one of the private suites of the manor — trying to gather [myself]2813-john . [I]2813-john ’m getting married at [The Manor]226-the manor . The biggest day of [my]2813-john life is taking place at [the plush sex haven of [[my]2813-john Lord]2765-my lord]2764-the plush sex haven of my lord . [My]2813-john nerves are n’t only a result of [me]2813-john being [the bride]2766-the bride . [[My]2813-john parents]2767-my parents , [brother]2768-brother , and [family members]2769-family members are all roaming around [the grounds of [[Jesse]52-jesse ’s supposed country retreat]2771-jesse ’s supposed country retreat]2770-the grounds of jesse ’s supposed country retreat . [They]2769-family members ’re[2813-john] all poking around [the building]227-the building and gushing at the opulent splendour . That ’s why [I]2813-john have a five kilo padlock on the double doors to [the communal room]228-the communal room . [I]2813-john ’ve checked it a million times , and [I]2813-john ’ve double checked that all wooden , cross - like wall hangings and suspended , gold grid frames have been removed from all of [the private suites]229-the private suites . [I]2813-john ’ve also grilled [the staff of [The Manor]226-the manor]230-the staff of the manor repeatedly . [[Jesse]52-jesse ’s poor army of [employees]233-employees]232-jesse ’s poor army of employees have all endured [my]2813-john constant whittling and persistent reminders that [[my]2813-john family]234-my family are oblivious . [They]234-my family humour [me]2813-john , just rolling [their]234-my family eyes and giving [me]2813-john a reassuring shoulder rub or a sympathetic look , but it does n’t make [me]2813-john feel any better . [I]2813-john ’m not so worried about [the male members of [[my]2813-john family]234-my family]2772-the male members of my family , [they]2772-the male members of my family ’ll all just prop [themselves]2772-the male members of my family up at [the bar]2773-the bar and only move on demand . But [[my]2813-john mum]2774-kate and [aunt]2775-aunt are a different story entirely . [[My]2813-john mother]2774-kate , with [her]2774-kate love of all things luxurious , is gushing over [the place]2776-the place and has suddenly taken the role of [tour guide]2777-tour guide , keen to demonstrate just how [magnificent [Jesse]52-jesse ’s county estate]226-the manor is . [I]2813-john wish [she]2774-kate would n’t . [I]2813-john wish [she]2774-kate ’d join [[my]2813-john dad]2779-dad at [the bar]2773-the bar . [I]2813-john wish [I]2813-john could cement [her]2774-kate backside to a stool and feed [her]2774-kate [Mario]53-mario ’s Most Marvellous all day and night . Marrying at [The Manor]226-the manor is an added stress that [I]2813-john really do n’t need on [my]2813-john wedding day , but when [my]2813-john challenging , [neurotic birthday boy]2780-neurotic birthday boy had [me]2813-john surrounded by [his]2780-neurotic birthday boy hard , warm strength and sprawled across [the terrace]2781-the terrace , [I]2813-john agreed — no sense fuck required . [I]2813-john know [he]2780-neurotic birthday boy ’s taken care of everything . [The Manor]226-the manor really does look just like [an exclusive resort]2782-an exclusive resort , but [I]2813-john know what ’s on the next floor , and all of those beds are currently dancing on the ceiling above [me]2813-john , like [they]235-they ’re[2813-john] lonely . [They]235-they probably are . [The Manor]226-the manor has been closed to [members]237-members for two days so preparations could be made , and that alone has cost [Jesse]52-jesse a small fortune in reimbursed membership fees . [I]2813-john might be just as unpopular with [the male members as [I]2813-john am with [the female members]239-the female members]238-the male members as i am with the female members now . [They]239-the female members must all hate [me]2813-john — the women for snatching [[their]239-the female members Lord]240-their lord from under [their]239-the female members noses , and now [the men]241-the men for putting a halt on [their]239-the female members preferred sexual adventures . [I]2813-john look up to the ceiling and roll [my]2813-john shoulders in an attempt to dispel some of the growing tension . It ’s not working . [I]2813-john ’m too bloody nervous . Pulling [myself]2813-john up from [my]2813-john reclined position , [I]2813-john walk over to the mirror and gaze at [my]2813-john reflection . Despite [my]2813-john unease , [I]2813-john look fresh . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] glowing and [my]2813-john make - up is light and natural . [Phillipe]54-phillipe has done an incredible job of glossing [my]2813-john dark hair to within an inch of its life , the long , heavy waves flouncing freely and loosely pinned on one side with an intricately jewelled hair comb . [Jesse]52-jesse loves [my]2813-john hair down . [He]242-he also loves [me]2813-john in lace . [I]2813-john turn towards the door where [my]2813-john dress is hanging and drink in the vast expanse of lace — lots of lace , with explosions of tiny pearls sewn here and there . [I]2813-john smile . [He]242-he ’ll stop breathing . This simple gown , with delicate shoulder straps , plunging back and nipped - in waist will have [[my]2813-john Lord]2765-my lord on [his]242-he knees . Understated elegance . The ivory lace sweeps over [my]2813-john bum , hugs [my]2813-john thighs , and puddles on the floor a metre in every direction . [Zoe of Harrods]55-harrods came up trumps with this dress . [She]55-harrods ’s figured [me]2813-john out , even down to the simple , ivory heels . No fuss , just a classic Christian Louboutin stiletto . [I]2813-john scoop [my]2813-john phone up from the nightstand . It ’s midday . In just an hour , [I]2813-john ’ll be meeting [Jesse]52-jesse in [the summer room]244-the summer room and taking [my]2813-john vows . [My]2813-john stomach does a swift three sixty degree turn … again . Slipping off [my]2813-john robe , [I]2813-john put [my]2813-john knickers on before taking [my]2813-john ivory lace , strapless corset and stepping in , pulling it up over [my]2813-john stomach and arranging [my]2813-john small cleavage in the cups . Only just , but it does conceal the perfectly round bruise on [my]2813-john breast . [My]2813-john mark . There ’s a quiet knock at the door . [My]2813-john silent , reflective time is up . ‘ Yes ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john call , slipping [my]2813-john robe over [my]2813-john underwear and making [my]2813-john way across [the suite]245-the suite . ‘ [Ava]536-ava , [darling]536-ava , are [you]536-ava decent ? ’[2813-john] It ’s [[my]2813-john mum]56-darling . [I]2813-john open the door . ‘ [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] decent , and [I]2813-john need [your]247-your help . ’ [She]56-darling pushes [her]56-darling way in , shutting the door behind [her]56-darling . [She]56-darling looks stunning , steering away from the traditional mother - of - the - bride matching dress , jacket and hat , and instead adorning [her]56-darling tidy figure with a lovely oyster coloured , satin shift dress . [Her]56-darling short , sweeping hairstyle is arranged with a feather and pearl hairpiece . ‘[56-darling] Sorry , [darling]56-darling . [I]2813-john was showing [Aunty Angela]57-angel [the spa facilities]248-the spa facilities . [I]2813-john think [she]57-angel ’ll be asking [Jesse]52-jesse about joining up . [She]57-angel was most impressed . Do [you]249-you need membership for [the spa]250-the spa and [gym]251-gym , or is it just for [guests]252-guests ? ’ [I]56-darling cringe on the spot . ‘[56-darling] Just for [guests]252-guests , [mum]56-darling . ’ ‘[56-darling] Oh , well , [I]2813-john ’m sure [he]252-guests ’ll make an exception for [family]2783-family . [[Your]249-you grandparents]2784-your grandparents would ’ve thought [they]2784-your grandparents were in [Buckingham Palace]2-buckingham palace , [God]306-jesse rest [their]2784-your grandparents souls . ’[57-angel] [She]57-angel faffs with [my]2813-john hair , and [I]2813-john bat [her]57-angel fussing hands away . ‘ Have [you]249-you wiggled [your]249-you way into [your]249-you underwear yet ? ’[57-angel] [She]57-angel runs [her]57-angel chocolate eyes up and down [my]2813-john robe covered body . ‘ It ’s nearly time . ’[57-angel] [I]2813-john slip [my]2813-john robe off again and drape it on the bed . ‘ Yes , [I]2813-john need [you]249-you to fasten it . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john turn [my]2813-john back to [her]57-angel and pull [my]2813-john hair over [my]2813-john shoulder . Two weeks of [Jesse]306-jesse ’s hands working cream into [my]2813-john back has cleared all evidence of [my]2813-john thrashing . The physical marks are gone , but that day will be forever etched on [my]2813-john brain . ‘ Ah , okay . ’[57-angel] [She]57-angel commences securing all of the hook and eyes . ‘ [Ava]536-ava , [you]536-ava should see [the summer room]244-the summer room . It looks absolutely beautiful . [You]536-ava ’re[57-angel] so lucky to have such a wonderful place to get married . [Women]253-women re - mortgage to afford venues like this . ’ [I]253-women ’m[253-women] glad [she]57-angel ca n’t see [my]2813-john face because [she]57-angel would see a painfully uncomfortable expression . ‘ [I]57-angel know . ’[57-angel] [I]2813-john ’ve seen [the room]244-the summer room and it does look beautiful — [Tessa]2774-kate , [[our]255-our wedding planner]256-our wedding planner , made sure of it . But then , every part of [The Manor]226-the manor oozes splendour , anyway , wedding or not . [I]2813-john ’ve done very little in the preparations of [my]2813-john own wedding . [Jesse]306-jesse presented [me]2813-john with [Tessa]2774-kate the day after [I]2813-john agreed to marry [him]256-our wedding planner , a small indication that [[my]2813-john challenging man]258-my challenging man had already sourced [her]2774-kate to take on the role of organising [our]255-our wedding — the wedding [we]255-our were supposed to discuss together like [adults]259-adults . And , quite conveniently , [The Manor]226-the manor also holds a wedding licence . [I]2813-john did n’t even ask how [he]256-our wedding planner achieved that . All [I]2813-john ’ve done for [my]2813-john wedding is visit [Zoe]55-harrods to find [my]2813-john dress . [I]2813-john ’ve had no planning stress , just location stress . ‘ There . ’[246-mum] [Mum]246-mum turns [me]2813-john around and sweeps [my]2813-john hair back over [my]2813-john shoulder . [She]246-mum ’s looking at [me]2813-john thoughtfully , and [I]2813-john know what ’s coming . ‘ [Darling]61-darling , can [[your]61-darling mother]246-mum offer [you]61-darling some advice ? ’[246-mum] ‘ No . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john answer quickly on a small smile . [She]246-mum returns [my]2813-john smile and sits [me]2813-john on the end of the bed . ‘ When [you]61-darling become [a wife]2785-a wife , [you]61-darling become the core of [[your]61-darling husband]56-darling . ’[246-mum] [She]246-mum smiles fondly . ‘ Let [him]56-darling think [he]56-darling ’s in charge , let [him]56-darling think [you]61-darling ca n’t live without [him]56-darling , but never let [him]56-darling take [your]61-darling independence or identity , [darling]56-darling . [They]261-they need [their]261-they ego ’s stroked , [these men]262-men . ’[246-mum] [She]246-mum laughs a little . ‘ [They]261-they like to think [they]261-they ’re[246-mum] wearing the trousers , and [you]260-you have to let [them]261-they believe it . ’ [I]246-mum shake [my]246-mum head a little . ‘[246-mum] [Mum]246-mum , this is n’t necessary . ’ ‘[246-mum] Yes , it is . ’ [she]246-mum insists . ‘[262-men] [Men]262-men are complicated creatures . ’ [I]262-men scoff . [She]246-mum has no idea how complicated [my]262-men creature is . ‘[262-men] [I]2813-john know . ’ ‘[2813-john] And whilst [they]262-men maintain a strong , manly façade , [they]262-men are weak without [us]263-us ! ’ [She]246-mum pulls [my]536-ava blushing face to [hers]536-ava . ‘[536-ava] [Ava]536-ava , [I]2813-john can see that [Jesse]306-jesse loves [you]536-ava , and [I]2813-john admire [his]306-jesse frankness when it comes to how [he]306-jesse feels about [you]536-ava , but remember who [you]536-ava are . Never let [him]306-jesse change [you]536-ava , [darling]536-ava . ’ ‘[306-jesse] [He]306-jesse wo n’t change [me]2813-john , [mum]536-ava . ’ [I]306-jesse ’m[306-jesse] not at all comfortable with this conversation . [Mum]246-mum and [dad]264-matt stayed with [us]265-us for two days after [Jesse]306-jesse proposed , and have been back in [London]3-london since Wednesday , so [they]266-they have had the full - on experience of [Jesse]306-jesse ’s way with [me]2813-john , minus the countdowns and various degrees of fuckings . [They]266-they have witnessed the smothering , the constant touching and affection , and [their]266-they quiet observations have n’t gone unnoticed . Not on [my]2813-john part , anyway . [Jesse]306-jesse is oblivious . No , not oblivious , [he]306-jesse just does n’t care , and [I]2813-john ’m not about to stop [him]306-jesse . [I]306-jesse crave the constant contact , just as much as [he]306-jesse does . [Mum]246-mum smiles at [me]306-jesse . ‘[306-jesse] [He]306-jesse wants to look after [you]267-you , and [he]306-jesse ’s made it quite clear [you]267-you ’re precious to [him]306-jesse . It makes [me]306-jesse and [[your]267-you father]2787-your father so happy to know that [you]267-you ’ve found [a man who adores [you]267-you]2788-a man who adores you , [a man who ’ll walk through fire for [you]267-you]2788-a man who adores you . ’[306-jesse] ‘ [I]2813-john adore [him]306-jesse , too . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john say quietly . The sincerity of [[my]2813-john mum]246-mum ’s words is tugging at [my]2813-john vocal cords , making [my]2813-john voice a little quivery . ‘ Please do n’t make [me]246-mum cry . [My]246-mum make - up will be ruined . ’[246-mum] [She]246-mum clasps [my]2813-john cheeks in [her]246-mum palms and plants a kiss on [my]2813-john lips . ‘ Yes , let ’s stop with the emotional stuff . Just do n’t ever do anything that [you]267-you do n’t want to . [I]2813-john can also see [he]306-jesse could be quite persuasive . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john actually laugh , and [mum]246-mum laughs with [me]2813-john . [Persuasive]62-persuasive ? ‘ It ’s such a shame [[his]306-jesse family]2789-his family could n’t be here . ’[246-mum] [she]246-mum muses . [I]2813-john wince a little . ‘ [I]2813-john ’ve told [you]2813-john , [they]2789-his family live abroad . [They]2789-his family ’re[2813-john] not very close . ’ [I]2813-john ’ve only vaguely outlined the reason for [Jesse]306-jesse ’s lack of [family]2783-family . Very vaguely . The story that [Jesse]306-jesse spun [me]2813-john when [we]2790-we first met sufficed . It ’s perfectly plausible . ‘[2813-john] Money , ’ [she]246-mum sighs . ‘[2813-john] It causes [more family]2783-family rifts than anything else . ’ ‘[2813-john] It does , ’ [I]2813-john agree . So do [sex houses]2791-sex houses and [playboy uncles]2792-playboy uncles . [We]2790-we ’re[2813-john] interrupted by another knock at the door and [Mum]246-mum leaves [me]2813-john on the bed to answer it . ‘ Oh , that ’ll be [Kate]2774-kate . ’[246-mum] [she]246-mum sings . ‘ [I]2774-kate have drinks ! Wow , [Elizabeth]215-elizabeth , [you]215-elizabeth look incredible ! ’[2774-kate] [Kate]2774-kate ’s excited voice creeps into [the room]254-the room before [she]246-mum barrels past [[my]2813-john mother]2774-kate and hits [me]2813-john with delighted blue eyes . ‘ Are n’t [you]215-elizabeth dressed yet ? ’[246-mum] [she]246-mum asks , setting a tray on the wooden chest . [She]246-mum looks fabulous in a simple , ivory satin dress , [her]246-mum long curls a mass of red flames surrounding [her]246-mum pale face — [my]2813-john only bridesmaid , but with the enthusiasm of ten . ‘ Just about to . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john stand [myself]2813-john up and adjust [my]2813-john boobs in [my]2813-john cups again . ‘ Here , have one of these . ’[246-mum] [She]246-mum thrusts a glass of pink liquid at [me]2813-john . ‘ Oh , yes , [you]215-elizabeth must ! ’[246-mum] [Mum]246-mum chants , closing the door and hastily making [her]246-mum way over to scoop one up for [herself]246-mum . [She]246-mum takes a long sip and gasps . ‘ Oh , [that little Italian]2793-that little italian knows how to keep [a lady]2794-a lady happy . ’[246-mum] [I]2813-john shake [my]2813-john head at the glass that ’s floating in front of [me]2813-john . ‘ No , [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] fine . ’ [I]2813-john do n’t want alcohol breath under [Jesse]306-jesse ’s nose . ‘[2813-john] It ’ll sort [your]272-your nerves . ’ [Kate]2774-kate insists , taking [my]272-your hand and placing the glass in it . ‘[272-your] Drink . ’ [She]2774-kate knows the cause of [my]306-jesse nerves . [I]306-jesse ’ve made [Kate]2774-kate check the padlock and [private suites]2795-private suites a million times , too . [She]246-mum nods at the glass with raised eyebrows and [I]306-jesse relent , taking a generous swig of [Mario]53-mario ’s Most Marvellous . It tastes as marvellous as ever , but no amount of alcohol is going to cure [me]306-jesse . ‘[306-jesse] Where ’s [Jesse]306-jesse ? ’ [I]306-jesse ask , setting [my]306-jesse glass down . [I]306-jesse ’ve not seen [him]306-jesse since last night . Knowing [[my]306-jesse mum]2774-kate ’s traditional views , [I]306-jesse insisted [we]2797-we sleep separately on the night before [our]2797-we wedding . [He]306-jesse refused to leave [[my]306-jesse room]254-the room until one minute to midnight , and then [he]306-jesse did so in a mighty huff when [[my]306-jesse mum]2774-kate was banging on the door . [I]306-jesse could see [he]306-jesse was dying to trample all over [her]2774-kate , but , surprisingly , [he]306-jesse conceded without too much fuss , just a ferocious scowl at [[my]306-jesse mum]2774-kate as [she]2774-kate guided [him]306-jesse from [the room]254-the room . ‘[306-jesse] [I]2813-john think [he]273-he ’s getting ready . ’ [Kate]2774-kate downs a Most Marvellous . ‘[273-he] [Katie Matthews]2774-kate , take it easy ! ’ [Mum]246-mum scorns , taking the glass from [her]2774-kate . ‘[2774-kate] [You]2774-kate ’ve got all day to go . ’ ‘[2774-kate] Sorry . ’ [Kate]2774-kate flicks [me]2774-kate a cheeky grin . [I]2774-kate know why [she]2774-kate ’s hitting the drink so early : theDan and [Sam]2844-sam combination . ‘[2774-kate] What about [[my]2813-john dad]2779-dad and [brother]2768-brother ? ’ ‘[2768-brother] At the bar , [Ava]536-ava . [All of [the men]241-the men]241-the men are at [the bar]2773-the bar . ’ [Kate]2774-kate emphasises all . ‘[241-the men] [All of [the men]241-the men]241-the men ? ’ [I]241-the men ask . ‘[241-the men] Like [all of [the men]241-the men]241-the men , including [Sam]2844-sam ? ’ [Kate]2774-kate nods in agreement to [my]241-the men obvious thoughts . ‘[241-the men] Yes , [all of [the men]241-the men]241-the men , except [Jesse]306-jesse and including [Sam]2844-sam … and [Dan]464-dan . ’ [I]306-jesse wince . Today is going to be tough for [Kate]2774-kate . [Dan]464-dan delayed [his]464-dan return to [Australia]4-australia so [he]464-dan could be [here]2799-here for [my]306-jesse wedding , but [he]464-dan has n’t said much , neither on the night of the proposal or since . [He]464-dan does n’t need to . It ’s obvious that [he]464-dan ’s struggling with both the direction of [my]306-jesse life and being near [Kate]2774-kate , especially with an oblivious [Sam]2844-sam on the scene . [Kate]2774-kate ’s struggling too , although trying to appear unaffected . ‘[306-jesse] Come on , then . ’ [Kate]2774-kate claps [her]2774-kate hands . ‘[306-jesse] Are [you]278-you getting dressed or walking down [the aisle]279-the aisle in that ? [I]2813-john ’m sure [he]306-jesse wo n’t mind . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john smile at [[my]2813-john fiery friend]280-my fiery friend . [She]280-my fiery friend knows [Jesse]306-jesse ’s compulsion for lace , but [[my]2813-john mum]2774-kate does n’t . ‘ [I]2774-kate ’m[2774-kate] getting dressed . ’ [I]280-my fiery friend unpack [my]280-my fiery friend heels from the tissue paper and slip them on , raising [me]280-my fiery friend by four inches . ‘[280-my fiery friend] Right , ’ [I]280-my fiery friend take a deep breath and make [my]280-my fiery friend way over to the door , where [my]280-my fiery friend dress is waiting for [me]280-my fiery friend . ‘[280-my fiery friend] Perhaps [you]278-you should use the toilet before [we]282-we get [you]278-you into it . ’ [Mum]246-mum suggests , joining [me]536-ava by the dress . ‘[536-ava] Oh , [Ava]536-ava . [I]2813-john ’ve never seen anything like it . ’ [I]2813-john hum [my]2813-john agreement , [my]2813-john eyes drifting up and down the full length . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john know . And yes , [I]2813-john need a wee . ’ [I]306-jesse leave [[my]306-jesse mum]246-mum admiring [my]306-jesse dress and head for [the bathroom]2800-the bathroom , catching [Kate]2774-kate having another quick glug while [[my]306-jesse mum]246-mum ’s back is turned . If [I]306-jesse was n’t so concerned about [[my]306-jesse wedding venue]2801-my wedding venue , [I]306-jesse might be concerned about spending the day with [Dan]464-dan and [Kate]2774-kate within spitting distance of each other . [I]306-jesse shut the door quietly before using the toilet and relishing in another private moment . Then [I]306-jesse hear a loud knock on the suite door , followed by the unmistakably panicked voice of [[my]306-jesse mother]246-mum . Wondering what ’s going on , [I]306-jesse make quick work of sorting [myself]306-jesse out and washing [my]306-jesse hands before exiting [the bathroom]2800-the bathroom . ‘[306-jesse] [Jesse]306-jesse , ’ [[My]306-jesse mum]2774-kate is clearly exasperated . ‘[306-jesse] [You]306-jesse and [I]2813-john are going to fall out if [you]306-jesse do n’t do as [you]306-jesse ’re told . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john look over at [Kate]2774-kate , who is drinking more Most Marvellous while [[my]2813-john mum]2774-kate is distracted . [She]2774-kate grins at [me]2813-john on a shrug . ‘ What ’s going on ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ask . ‘ [Jesse]306-jesse wants to see [you]306-jesse , but [Elizabeth]215-elizabeth is having none of it . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john roll [my]2813-john eyes , turning [my]2813-john attention to the door , where [[my]2813-john mum]2774-kate is blocking the small gap between the door and the frame . Then [I]2813-john hear [him]284-he . ‘ [We]2803-we wo n’t fall out , [mum]2774-kate , if [you]306-jesse let [me]284-he in . ’[284-he] [I]2813-john know [he]284-he ’s grinning at [[my]2813-john mother]2774-kate , but [his]284-he playfulness is n’t fooling [me]2813-john . [I]2813-john can detect the threat in [his]284-he tone . [He]284-he ’s coming in [this room]285-this room , and not even [mum]2774-kate will stop [him]284-he . ‘ [Jesse Ward]306-jesse , [you]286-you do not get to call [me]286-you mum when [I]286-you ’m[286-you] only nine years older than [you]286-you . ’ [she]2774-kate spits . ‘[286-you] Now go , [you]286-you ’ll be seeing [her]2774-kate in half an hour . ’ ‘[536-ava] [Ava]536-ava ! ’ [he]284-he yells past [[my]536-ava mum]2774-kate . [I]536-ava throw [my]536-ava eyes back to [Kate]2774-kate , and [she]2774-kate nods [her]2774-kate head , instantly catching [my]536-ava drift . [We]2804-we both run towards the door , [Kate]2774-kate unhooking [my]536-ava dress from the top and [me]536-ava gathering the bottom in [my]536-ava arms before [we]2804-we take it into [the bathroom]2800-the bathroom and rehang it on the back of the door . [Kate]2774-kate laughs . ‘[536-ava] Will [[your]286-you mum]287-your mum learn or will [she]287-your mum continue to try and tame [him]288-you stubborn man ? ’ ‘[287-your mum] [I]2813-john do n’t know . ’ [I]306-jesse smooth the front of [my]306-jesse dress down and follow [Kate]2774-kate back out , shutting the door behind [me]306-jesse . [Mum]246-mum is still guarding the door , [her]246-mum foot wedged at the bottom . That wo n’t stop [him]288-you stubborn man . ‘[306-jesse] [Jesse]306-jesse , no ! ’ [She]246-mum ’s pushing against [him]288-you stubborn man now . ‘[306-jesse] Oh no ! It ’s bad luck . Have [you]286-you no respect for tradition , [[you]286-you stubborn man]288-you stubborn man ? ’ ‘[215-elizabeth] Let [me]2813-john in , [Elizabeth]215-elizabeth . ’ [He]288-you stubborn man ’s clenching [his]288-you stubborn man teeth , [I]215-elizabeth know [he]288-you stubborn man is . [I]215-elizabeth glace at [Kate]2774-kate and shake [my]215-elizabeth head . [He]288-you stubborn man ’s trampling [[my]215-elizabeth mother]215-elizabeth , just like [he]288-you stubborn man promised to do if [she]215-elizabeth ever got in [his]288-you stubborn man way , and [she]215-elizabeth is most certainly in [his]288-you stubborn man way . [Kate]2774-kate takes another drink from the tray and walks casually over to the door . ‘[215-elizabeth] [Elizabeth]215-elizabeth , just let [him]288-you stubborn man in , [you]215-elizabeth ’ll never stop [him]288-you stubborn man . [The man]288-you stubborn man ’s [a rhinoceros]289-a rhinoceros . ’ ‘[288-you stubborn man] No ! ’ [Mum]246-mum is really digging [her]246-mum heels in , not that it ’ll work . [She]246-mum should know this by now , even after the limited time [she]246-mum ’s spent with [him]288-you stubborn man . ‘[288-you stubborn man] [He]288-you stubborn man is not … oh ! … [Jesse Ward]306-jesse ! ’ [I]306-jesse smile to [myself]306-jesse as [I]306-jesse watch [[my]306-jesse determined mother]215-elizabeth shoved back slightly before being lifted from [her]215-elizabeth feet and placed neatly to the side , giving [Jesse]306-jesse access to [me]306-jesse . [She]215-elizabeth rearranges [her]215-elizabeth dress and straightens [her]215-elizabeth hairpiece , all the while spitting nails at [[my]306-jesse challenging man]258-my challenging man . Then [I]306-jesse cast [my]306-jesse eyes back to the open doorway . [His]288-you stubborn man eyes are green pools of desire and [they]288-you stubborn man ’re[306-jesse] studying [me]2813-john closely ; [his]288-you stubborn man face expressionless , [his]288-you stubborn man jaw stubbled . [My]2813-john greedy eyes trail slowly down [his]288-you stubborn man half nakedness as [he]288-you stubborn man stands before [me]2813-john in just [his]288-you stubborn man loose shorts , [his]288-you stubborn man solid chest damp and [his]288-you stubborn man hair dark with sweat . [He]288-you stubborn man ’s been running again . ‘ Well ! ’[288-you stubborn man] [Mum]246-mum huffs . ‘ [Ava]536-ava , tell [him]288-you stubborn man to leave ! ’[246-mum] [She]246-mum ’s not happy . [I]2813-john find [his]288-you stubborn man eyes again . ‘ It ’s fine , [mum]246-mum . Just give [us]290-us five minutes . ’[288-you stubborn man] [His]288-you stubborn man eyes sparkle in approval as [he]288-you stubborn man stands patiently waiting for [[my]2813-john mum]246-mum to relent and leave [us]290-us . [Mum]246-mum wo n’t appreciate it , but even this small gesture is uncharacteristically respectful . [He]288-you stubborn man ’ll ravish [me]2813-john wherever and whenever [he]288-you stubborn man pleases , so the fact that [he]288-you stubborn man has n’t physically removed [[my]2813-john mum]246-mum from [the room]254-the room is quite a surprise . [He]288-you stubborn man ’s trampling all right , but [he]288-you stubborn man could trample harder . [I]2813-john see [Kate]2774-kate in [my]2813-john peripheral vision approach [[my]2813-john mum]246-mum and take [her]2774-kate arm . ‘ Come on , [Elizabeth]215-elizabeth . Just a few minutes wo n’t hurt . ’[2774-kate] ‘ It ’s tradition ! ’[2774-kate] [she]2774-kate argues , but still lets [Kate]2774-kate lead [her]2774-kate out . [I]2813-john smile a little . There is nothing traditional about [my]2813-john relationship with [Jesse]306-jesse .. ‘ What ’s that bruise on [his]306-jesse chest ? ’[246-mum] [I]2813-john hear [[my]2813-john mother]246-mum ask as [she]246-mum ’s pushed from [the room]254-the room . The door closes , and [we]293-we maintain [our]293-we deep eye connection , [neither one of [us]293-we]294-neither one of us saying anything for the longest time . [I]2813-john just drink [him]306-jesse in , every finely tuned muscle , every perfect inch of pure beauty . [He]306-jesse finally speaks . ‘ [I]306-jesse do n’t want to take [my]306-jesse eyes away from [your]295-you face . ’[306-jesse] ‘ No ? ’[306-jesse] [He]306-jesse shakes [his]306-jesse head mildly . ‘ [They]2807-they ’ll be lace if [I]2813-john do , wo n’t there ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john nod . ‘ White lace ? ’[2813-john] ‘ [Ivory]68-ivory . ’[306-jesse] [His]306-jesse chest expands slightly . ‘ And [you]295-you ’re[306-jesse] taller , so [you]295-you ’ve got heels on . ’ [I]2774-kate nod again . This could be dangerous for [my]2774-kate hair , make - up and underwear if those eyes stray from [my]2774-kate face . It could also be dangerous for [our]2808-our strict time schedule . [I]2774-kate ’m[2774-kate] expecting [Tessa]2774-kate up here at any moment to check that [I]2813-john ’m ready before [she]2774-kate hits [me]2813-john with how many steps it is to [the summer room]244-the summer room and how long it should take [me]2813-john to get there . [He]306-jesse blinks a few times , and [I]2813-john know [he]306-jesse ’ll never resist a peek ; [he]306-jesse ’d just better control [himself]306-jesse when [he]306-jesse gets the full impact , and [I]2813-john ’d better control [myself]2813-john , too . It ’s hard . Sweat beads are trailing down [his]306-jesse temple , across [his]306-jesse neck and onto [his]306-jesse solid chest , before shimmering as [they]2810-they travel the waves of [his]306-jesse stomach and disperse in the waistband of [his]306-jesse shorts . [I]2813-john shift as [his]306-jesse eyes break from [mine]2813-john and lazily drag down [my]2813-john body , [his]306-jesse chest heaving more severely as [his]306-jesse gaze makes its journey . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] tingling all over , wanting to control [my]2813-john body ’s reaction to [his]222-this man perfection , but at the same time wanting [him]222-this man to take [me]2813-john here and now . ‘ [You]222-this man ’ve just trampled [[my]2813-john mother]2774-kate . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john try to hide the lust in [my]2813-john voice , but , as always , [I]2813-john fail miserably . [This man]222-this man is impossible to resist , especially when [he]222-this man ’s looking at [me]2813-john like this — when [his]222-this man eyes are pouring with appreciation . [I]2813-john make [my]2813-john move before [he]222-this man does . [I]2813-john walk slowly across [the room]254-the room to [him]222-this man and stop close to [his]222-this man sweat coated body , then flick [my]2813-john gaze up to [his]222-this man lush lips . [His]222-this man breathing escalates . ‘ [She]222-this man was in [my]222-this man way . ’[222-this man] [he]222-this man says quietly , breathing down on [me]2813-john . ‘ This is bad luck . [You]2813-john ’re[222-this man] not supposed to see [me]2813-john before [our]298-our wedding . ’ ‘[222-this man] Stop [me]2813-john . ’ [His]222-this man head dips so [his]222-this man lips brush over [mine]2813-john gently , but [he]222-this man does n’t touch [my]2813-john body . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’ve missed [you]2813-john . ’ ‘[2813-john] It ’s been twelve hours . ’ [My]2813-john voice is husky and inviting , even though [I]2813-john know [I]2813-john should n’t be encouraging contact when [he]222-this man ’s a mass of hard , muscled sweatiness , and [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] standing in ivory lace , hair and make - up all perfect . ‘ Too long . ’[222-this man] [He]222-this man runs [his]222-this man tongue slowly across [my]2813-john bottom lip , enticing a quiet moan from [my]2813-john mouth . [I]2813-john ’m instantly fighting the natural instinct to grab [his]222-this man big shoulders . ‘[2813-john] [You]2813-john ’ve had a drink . ’ [he]222-this man accuses softly . ‘[2813-john] Just a sip . ’ [He]222-this man ’s like a bloodhound . ‘[2813-john] [We]299-we should n’t be doing this . ’ ‘[2813-john] [You]2813-john ca n’t look like this and say things like that , [Ava]536-ava . ’ [His]222-this man lips push to [mine]2813-john , [his]222-this man tongue seeking entry , encouraging [my]306-jesse lips to part and accept [him]222-this man into [my]306-jesse mouth . The hot warmness of [him]222-this man dispels [my]306-jesse nervousness ; , everything is forgotten as [he]222-this man claims [me]306-jesse , but still keeps [his]222-this man hands to [himself]222-this man . [Our]299-we sweeping tongues are the only contact between [us]299-we , but it ’s as consuming as ever . [My]306-jesse senses are saturated , [my]306-jesse mind scrambled , and [my]306-jesse body begging for [him]222-this man . But [he]222-this man just maintains the slow , fluid movements of [his]222-this man tongue , withdrawing occasionally to tease [my]306-jesse lips , before plunging back into [my]306-jesse mouth . [I]306-jesse hum at [his]222-this man exquisite pace , the inevitable bang dropping between [my]306-jesse thighs as [he]222-this man worships [me]306-jesse delicately . ‘[306-jesse] [Jesse]306-jesse , [we]300-we ’re going to be late for [our]300-we wedding . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john need to halt this before [one of [us]300-we]301-one of us takes it to the next level . It might be [me]2813-john . ‘ Do n’t tell [me]306-jesse to stop kissing [you]306-jesse , [Ava]536-ava . ’[306-jesse] [He]306-jesse bites [my]2813-john bottom lip and drags it slowly through [his]306-jesse teeth . ‘ Never tell [me]306-jesse to stop kissing [you]306-jesse . ’[306-jesse] [He]306-jesse lowers [himself]306-jesse to [his]306-jesse knees and takes [my]2813-john hands , pulling [me]2813-john down . [I]2813-john kick [my]2813-john shoes off and join [him]306-jesse . [He]306-jesse watches [his]306-jesse thumbs circling over the tops of [my]2813-john hands for a while before lifting [his]306-jesse glorious green eyes to find [mine]2813-john . ‘ Are [you]306-jesse ready to do this ? ’[306-jesse] [he]306-jesse asks quietly . [I]2813-john frown . ‘ Are [you]306-jesse asking [me]2813-john if [I]2813-john still want to marry [you]306-jesse ? ’[2813-john] [His]306-jesse lips tip a little . ‘ No , [you]306-jesse do n’t get a choice . [I]306-jesse ’m[306-jesse] just asking if [you]302-you ’re ready . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john struggle to stop [my]2813-john own small smile at [his]306-jesse candidness . ‘ And what if [I]306-jesse say no ? ’[306-jesse] ‘ [You]306-jesse wo n’t . ’[306-jesse] ‘ Then why ask ? ’[306-jesse] [His]306-jesse lips turn into a shy smile , and [he]306-jesse shrugs . ‘ [You]306-jesse ’re[306-jesse] nervous . [I]2813-john do n’t want [you]302-you to be nervous . ’ ‘[306-jesse] [Jesse]306-jesse , [I]2813-john ’m nervous because of where [I]306-jesse ’m[306-jesse] getting married . ’ [His]306-jesse smile falls away . ‘[536-ava] [Ava]536-ava , everything has been taken care of . [I]2813-john said not to worry so [you]302-you should n’t . ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ca n’t believe [you]302-you convinced [me]2813-john to do this . ’ [I]2813-john drop [my]2813-john head , feeling a little guilty for doubting [he]304-his ’d keep [his]304-his word . [I]2813-john know exactly why [we]2812-we ’re[2813-john] marrying at [The Manor]226-the manor . It ’s because there ’s no waiting list or other bookings to work around . It ’s where [he]304-his could get [me]2813-john down [the aisle]279-the aisle without delay . ‘ Hey . ’[304-his] [He]304-his tips [my]2813-john chin back up , making [me]2813-john look at [his]304-his achingly handsome face . ‘ Stop it now . ’[304-his] ‘ [I]304-his ’m[304-his] sorry . ’ [I]536-ava grumble . ‘[536-ava] [Ava]536-ava , [baby]306-jesse , [I]2813-john want [you]306-jesse to cherish today , not get [your]306-jesse knickers in a twist over something that ’s never going to happen . It ’s never going to happen . [They]307-they ’ll never know , [I]2813-john promise . ’ [I]2813-john shake [myself]2813-john out of [my]2813-john uneasiness and smile , feeling better for hearing [his]304-his reassuring words . [I]2813-john believe [him]304-his . ‘[2813-john] Okay . ’ [I]2813-john watch as [he]304-his stands and strolls over to a big chest , pulling something from the drawer and returning a few moments later with a bath sheet . [My]2813-john brow furrows as [he]304-his drops back to [his]304-his knees and wipes [his]304-his face , then ruffles [his]304-his damp hair before laying it across [his]304-his front . [He]304-his opens [his]304-his arms . ‘[2813-john] Come here . ’ [he]304-his demands quietly , and [I]2813-john waste no time crawling onto [his]304-his lap and letting [him]304-his surround [me]2813-john in [his]304-his arms , [my]2813-john cheek resting on [his]304-his chest through the towel . ‘[2813-john] Better ? ’ [he]304-his asks , pulling [me]2813-john in closer . ‘[2813-john] Much better . ’ [I]2813-john mumble into the towel . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john love [you]2813-john , [[My]2813-john Lord]2813-john . ’ [I]2813-john grin . [I]2813-john feel [him]304-his jerk a little under [me]2813-john , a silent hint of [his]304-his quiet laugh . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john thought [I]2813-john was [[your]2813-john God]2813-john . ’ ‘[2813-john] [You]2813-john ’re that , too . ’[2813-john] ‘ And [you]2813-john are [my]2813-john temptress . Or [you]2813-john could be [[my]2813-john Lady of [The Manor]226-the manor]2813-john . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john jump out of [his]2813-john chest and find [him]2813-john grinning at [me]2813-john . ‘ [I]2813-john am not being [the Lady of [the Sex Manor]226-the manor]2813-john ! ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john laughs and yanks [me]2813-john back down , making a meal of stroking [my]2813-john glossy hair and inhaling deeply on a satisfied pull of breath . ‘ Whatever [you]2813-john want , [lady]2813-john . ’[2813-john] ‘ Just [lady]2813-john will do . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m aware of [my]2813-john hands sliding all over [his]2813-john damp back , but [I]2813-john really do n’t care . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m so in love with [you]2813-john . ’[2813-john] ‘ [I]2813-john know [you]2813-john are , [Ava]536-ava . ’[2813-john] ‘ [I]2813-john need to get ready . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] getting married , [you]2813-john know . ’ ‘[2813-john] [You]2813-john are ? Who ’s [the lucky bastard]222-this man ? ’ [I]222-this man smile and pull [myself]222-this man away from [his]222-this man body again . [I]222-this man need to see [him]222-this man . ‘[222-this man] [He]222-this man ’s [a challenging , neurotic control freak]309-a challenging , neurotic control freak . ’ [I]222-this man reach up and cup [his]222-this man rough cheek . ‘[222-this man] [He]222-this man ’s so handsome . ’ [I]222-this man whisper , searching [his]222-this man eyes , which are watching [me]222-this man so closely . ‘[222-this man] [This man]222-this man stops [me]2813-john breathing when [he]222-this man touches [me]2813-john and fucks [me]2813-john until [I]2813-john ’m delirious . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john wait for [his]222-this man scorn , but [his]222-this man lips just press into a straight line , so [I]2813-john lean up and kiss [his]222-this man chin , working [my]2813-john way to [his]222-this man lips . ‘ [I]2813-john ca n’t wait to marry [him]222-this man . [You]222-this man should probably go so [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] not keeping [him]222-this man waiting . ’ ‘[222-this man] What would [this man]222-this man say if [he]222-this man caught [you]222-this man kissing [another man]222-this man ? ’ [he]222-this man asks around [my]222-this man mouth . [I]222-this man grin . ‘[222-this man] Oh , [he]222-this man ’d probably castrate [him]222-this man . ’ [His]222-this man eyes widen . ‘[222-this man] [He]222-this man sounds possessive . [I]2813-john do n’t think [I]2813-john want to take [him]222-this man on . ’ ‘[2813-john] [You]222-this man really do n’t . [He]222-this man ’ll trample all over [you]222-this man . ’ [I]222-this man shrug , and [he]222-this man laughs . It ’s that eye sparkling laugh , the one that has light creases fanning [his]222-this man beautiful greens . ‘[222-this man] Happy ? ’ [I]2813-john ask . ‘[2813-john] No , [I]2813-john ’m shitting [myself]222-this man . ’[222-this man] [He]222-this man falls back , taking [me]2813-john with [him]222-this man . ‘ But [I]222-this man ’m[222-this man] feeling brave . Kiss [me]2813-john . ’ [I]306-jesse dive right in , smothering [his]222-this man face with [my]306-jesse lips and humming in sweet contentment , but [I]306-jesse do n’t get long to indulge [myself]306-jesse . The door swings open . ‘[306-jesse] [Jesse Ward]306-jesse ! Get [your]222-this man sweat covered body off [[my]2813-john daughter]310-my daughter ! ’ [Mum]246-mum ’s shocked cry pierces the privacy of [our]2815-our moment . [I]536-ava start laughing , [[my]536-ava mum]246-mum ’s scorn not stopping [me]536-ava from getting [my]536-ava fix of [Jesse]306-jesse . And [he]306-jesse lets [me]536-ava . ‘[536-ava] [Ava]536-ava ! [You]536-ava ’ll smell . Get up ! ’ [Her]310-my daughter angry heels start thumping towards [us]2815-our . ‘[2774-kate] [Tessa]2774-kate , help [me]2813-john out here , will [you]536-ava ? ’ [I]246-mum suddenly feel a mass of hands grasping at different parts of [my]246-mum body , trying to pull [me]246-mum from [Jesse]306-jesse . ‘[246-mum] [Mum]246-mum ! Stop it ! ’ [I]2813-john laugh , gripping [Jesse]306-jesse harder . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’ll get up ! ’ ‘[2813-john] Get up then ! [You]536-ava ’re getting married in half an hour , [your]536-ava hair is a mess and [you]536-ava ’ve broken an ancient tradition , rolling around on the floor with [[your]536-ava husband]2786-mr - to - be . ’[246-mum] [She]246-mum huffs and puffs a bit more . ‘ [Tessa]2774-kate , tell [her]2774-kate ! ’[246-mum] ‘ Yes , come on , [Ava]536-ava . ’[2774-kate] [Tessa]2774-kate ’s harsh husk stabs at [my]2813-john skin . [She]246-mum ’s nice enough , but [the woman]246-mum is frighteningly fierce with organisation . ‘ Okay , okay . ’[246-mum] [I]2813-john grumble , dragging [myself]2813-john from [Jesse]306-jesse ’s body . ‘ Oh , look at [you]2774-kate . ’[246-mum] [Mum]246-mum moans , trying to smooth [my]2813-john wild mane . [I]2813-john struggle to keep a straight face as [I]2813-john watch [Jesse]306-jesse make no attempt to leave , but rather brace [his]306-jesse arms under [his]306-jesse head so [he]306-jesse can watch as [[my]2813-john mum]246-mum pulls and pokes at [me]2813-john . ‘ [You]2774-kate ’re[311-a pair of children] [a pair of children]311-a pair of children . ’ [she]246-mum continues , turning angry , chocolate eyes onto [[my]311-a pair of children challenging man]258-my challenging man . ‘[311-a pair of children] Out ! ’ ‘[311-a pair of children] All right . ’ [He]258-my challenging man rises from the floor in one fluid effort , [his]258-my challenging man delicious muscles bunching and rippling as [he]258-my challenging man does . [Tessa]2774-kate ’s staring does n’t escape [my]2813-john notice , but [she]246-mum soon snaps out of [her]246-mum dumbstruck state when [she]246-mum catches [me]2813-john watching [her]246-mum with raised eyebrows . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’ll take care of [the groom]312-the groom ! ’ [she]246-mum declares , diverting [her]246-mum eyes . ‘[306-jesse] [Jesse]306-jesse , come on . ’ ‘[306-jesse] Wait . ’ [He]258-my challenging man looks at [my]306-jesse chest . ‘[306-jesse] Where ’s [your]2813-john diamond ? ’ ‘[2813-john] Shit ! ’ [My]2813-john hand instantly flies up to [my]2813-john breastbone , [my]2813-john eyes darting around on the floor . ‘[2813-john] Shit , shit , shit ! [Mum]246-mum ! ’ ‘[536-ava] [Ava]536-ava ! ’ [Jesse]306-jesse yells , ‘[536-ava] Please ! Watch [your]2813-john mouth ! ’ ‘[536-ava] Do n’t panic ! ’ [Mum]246-mum drops to [her]246-mum knees and starts looking under the bed , while [I]536-ava scan every inch of the plush carpet . ‘[536-ava] Here it is ! ’ [Tessa]2774-kate sweeps it up from the floor , and [Jesse]306-jesse abruptly snatches it from [her]246-mum hand before making [his]306-jesse way over to [me]536-ava . ‘[536-ava] Turn around . ’ [he]306-jesse huffs , and [I]536-ava comply immediately , [my]536-ava heart hammering in [my]536-ava chest . That damn fucking diamond will be the death of [me]536-ava . ‘[536-ava] There . ’ [His]306-jesse lips fall onto [my]536-ava shoulder , [his]306-jesse hips pushing into [my]536-ava bum . ‘[536-ava] That ’ll teach [you]2813-john for frolicking on the floor . ’ [Mum]246-mum huffs . ‘[536-ava] Now , out ! ’ [She]246-mum starts tugging at [Jesse]306-jesse ’s arm , but [he]306-jesse does n’t brush [her]246-mum off . [I]536-ava turn and wave at [him]306-jesse , then curtsy , prompting another huff from [[my]536-ava mother]2774-kate and a cheeky grin from [Jesse]306-jesse , before [he]306-jesse lets [Tessa]2774-kate usher [him]306-jesse out of [the suite]254-the room . ‘[536-ava] Right . In that dress , [Ava O’Shea]536-ava . Where is it ? ’ [I]536-ava point to [the bathroom]2800-the bathroom and sit [myself]536-ava on the end of the bed . ‘[536-ava] [Bathroom]2800-the bathroom . And [you]2813-john wo n’t be able to call [me]2813-john that soon . ’ [I]2813-john say haughtily . [She]2774-kate stomps across [the room]254-the room . ‘[2813-john] [You]2813-john will always be [Ava O’Shea]536-ava to [me]2813-john . ’ [she]2774-kate grumbles . ‘[2813-john] Up . [[Your]2813-john Father]2787-your father will be [here]2799-here in a minute to escort [you]2813-john [downstairs]316-downstairs . ’ [I]2787-your father stand and re - arrange [my]2787-your father underwear . ‘[2787-your father] Is [he]2787-your father okay ? ’ ‘[2787-your father] [[Your]2813-john dad]2787-your father ? ’ [she]2774-kate asks . ‘[2787-your father] Nervous , but it ’s nothing a few whiskeys wo n’t cure . [He]2787-your father hates being in the limelight . ’ [He]2787-your father does . [He]2787-your father ’ll be keen to hand [me]2787-your father over to [Jesse]306-jesse so [he]2787-your father can escape the attention and blend back into [the crowd]2820-the crowd . [We]2821-we had a brief conversation about speeches , and [I]2787-your father could see the fear in [his]2787-your father face . [I]2787-your father told [him]2787-your father [he]2787-your father did n’t have to , but [he]2787-your father insisted and so did [[my]2787-your father mum]246-mum . [My]2787-your father dress is removed from the hanger and held in front of [me]2787-your father . [I]2787-your father rest [my]2787-your father hand on [mum]246-mum ’s shoulder and step into it , letting [her]246-mum pull it up [my]2787-your father front so [I]2787-your father can slip [my]2787-your father arms through the delicate straps before [she]246-mum turns [me]2787-your father around and fastens the dozens of tiny pearl buttons running down [my]2787-your father lower spine . [Her]246-mum hands move to [my]2787-your father shoulders to straighten the straps . [She]246-mum ’s quiet , and [she]246-mum ’s stopped moving . [I]2787-your father know what [I]2787-your father ’m[2787-your father] going to see if [I]2813-john turn around , and [I]2813-john ’m not sure [I]246-mum can cope with it . Then [I]246-mum hear a small sniff . ‘[246-mum] [Mum]246-mum , please do n’t . ’ [Her]246-mum hands kick back into action . ‘[246-mum] What ? ’ [I]246-mum turn around , and [my]246-mum suspicions are confirmed . [Her]246-mum eyes are clouded and [she]246-mum lets out a small sob . ‘[246-mum] [Mum]246-mum . ’ [I]536-ava warn softly . ‘[536-ava] Oh , [Ava]536-ava . ’ [She]246-mum runs to [the bathroom]2800-the bathroom , and [I]2813-john hear the frantic yanking of toilet paper from the roll , and then the blowing of a nose . [I]2813-john knew [she]246-mum would do this . [She]246-mum appears in the doorway , dabbing under [her]246-mum eyes with some tissue . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m sorry . [I]2813-john was doing so well . ’[2813-john] ‘ [You]2813-john were . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john confirm . ‘ Hey , help [me]2813-john out here . ’[2813-john] Distraction , that ’s what [she]246-mum needs . ‘ Yes , yes . What should [I]246-mum do ? ’[246-mum] ‘ Shoes . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john point to [my]2813-john shoes where [I]2813-john kicked them off , and [she]246-mum scoops them up , placing them at [my]2813-john feet . ‘ Thank [you]2813-john . ’[246-mum] [I]2813-john lift [my]2813-john pooling dress and slip [my]2813-john feet back into [my]2813-john Louboutins . ‘ How ’s [my]2813-john face ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ask . [She]246-mum laughs . ‘ [You]2813-john mean after [you]2813-john ’ve just rubbed every inch of it all over [Jesse]306-jesse ’s ? ’[246-mum] ‘ Yes . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john answer , walking across to [the bathroom]2800-the bathroom to inspect it [myself]2813-john . ‘ [You]2813-john could probably do with an extra brush of powder . ’[246-mum] [she]246-mum calls . [She]246-mum ’s right , [I]2813-john could . [I]2813-john look a little flushed . [I]2813-john grab [my]2813-john make - up brush and sweep it across [my]2813-john cheeks before refreshing [my]2813-john nude lips and applying a little extra mascara . [My]2813-john hair is n’t as silky smooth after [my]2813-john little roll around on the floor , but the comb is still securely in place . [I]2813-john feel better . [He]318-he does that to [me]2813-john . [He]318-he draws all of the anxiety right out of [me]2813-john with [his]318-he presence , and now [I]2813-john ca n’t wait to get [my]2813-john lace clad arse [downstairs]316-downstairs to meet [him]318-he . [I]2813-john pull up the hem of [my]2813-john dress and walk out of [the bathroom]2800-the bathroom , flicking [my]2813-john hair over [my]2813-john shoulder and blowing out a calming breath . ‘ [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] ready . ’ [I]464-dan declare , coming to an abrupt halt when [I]464-dan see that [[my]464-dan mum]2774-kate is no longer alone . ‘[464-dan] Oh , [Joseph]464-dan , look at [her]321-her ! ’ [Mum]246-mum cries , turning into [[my]464-dan dad]464-dan ’s shoulder and blubbering all over [his]464-dan charcoal three piece suit . [Kate]2774-kate reaches up and strokes [mum]246-mum ’s back on a small eye roll , and [dad]464-dan tenderly wraps [his]464-dan arm around [her]2774-kate waist . This is rare . [He]464-dan ’s not [a touchy - feely man at all]464-dan . [I]464-dan smile at [him]464-dan , and [he]464-dan returns [my]464-dan beam . ‘[464-dan] Do n’t [you]464-dan start , ’ [I]2813-john warn [him]464-dan . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m saying nothing . ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john laughs . ‘ Except , of course , how beautiful [you]464-dan look . Really beautiful , [Ava]536-ava . ’[2813-john] ‘ Really ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ask , shocked by [his]2813-john open display of affection , even if it is just words . ‘ Yes , really . ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john nods sharply . ‘ Now , are [you]464-dan ready ? ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john shifts [[my]2813-john mum]2774-kate away from [his]2813-john body and brushes [his]2813-john suit down , pretending [he]2813-john has n’t just said some loving words to [[his]2813-john daughter]323-carmichael . ‘ Yes , [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] more than ready . [Dad]2779-dad , take [me]2813-john to [Jesse]306-jesse . ’ [I]2779-dad demand , and that has the desired effect , [everyone]2825-everyone laughing at [my]2779-dad order . Much better . [I]2779-dad ca n’t cope with all of this intensity . [Jesse]306-jesse provides [me]2779-dad with enough of that . [Tessa]2774-kate barges in . ‘[2779-dad] Come on , then . What ’s the hold up ? ’ [she]2774-kate asks , scanning the bodies that are all staring at [me]215-elizabeth . ‘[215-elizabeth] [Elizabeth]215-elizabeth , [Kate]2774-kate , [downstairs]316-downstairs , please . ’ [She]2774-kate escorts [them]2826-them from [the room]244-the summer room . ‘[536-ava] [Ava]536-ava , [I]2813-john ’ll meet [you]215-elizabeth at [the summer room]244-the summer room in three minutes . ’ [She]2774-kate leaves [me]536-ava and [[my]536-ava dad]2779-dad alone . ‘[536-ava] [You]215-elizabeth know , [dad]2779-dad , [you]215-elizabeth have to link arms with [me]2813-john now . ’ [I]536-ava tease . [His]2779-dad face screws up . ‘[536-ava] For how long ? ’ ‘[536-ava] Well , for however long it takes [you]215-elizabeth to walk [me]2813-john [downstairs]316-downstairs . ’ [I]536-ava pick up [my]536-ava calla lily — just one calla lily . ‘[536-ava] Let ’s get [our]328-our arses in gear , then . ’ [He]2779-dad cocks [his]2779-dad arm to the side , and [I]536-ava link it with [mine]536-ava . ‘[536-ava] Ready ? ’ [I]536-ava nod and let [[my]536-ava dad]2779-dad lead [me]536-ava down to [the summer room]244-the summer room , where [[my]536-ava Lord of [the Sex Manor]2814-the sex manor]2828-my lord of the sex manor is waiting for [me]536-ava . Chapter 2 [Kate]2774-kate and [Tessa]2774-kate are waiting for [us]328-our outside the doors to [the summer room]244-the summer room , [[my]536-ava wedding planner]2830-my wedding planner looking pleased , [Kate]2774-kate looking tipsy . [I]536-ava maintain [my]536-ava steady breathing , feeling [[my]536-ava dad]2779-dad getting all tense next to [me]536-ava . [I]536-ava flick a glance up to [him]2779-dad , but [he]2779-dad keeps [his]2779-dad attention directed firmly forward . ‘[536-ava] Ready ? ’ [Kate]2774-kate asks , bending down to spread [my]2813-john dress neatly . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ca n’t believe [you]2813-john ’re not wearing a veil . ’[2813-john] ‘ Oh no , ’[2774-kate] [Tessa]2774-kate pipes up . ‘ This dress does n’t need a veil . ’[2774-kate] [She]2774-kate starts flicking [my]2813-john hair and brushing at [my]2813-john cheeks . ‘ [He]222-this man wants to see [my]2774-kate face . ’[2774-kate] [I]2813-john say quietly , clenching [my]2813-john eyes shut . The enormity of what [I]2813-john ’m about to do is suddenly overwhelming [me]2813-john . This is it . [I]2813-john can feel [my]2813-john chest expanding , and [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] beginning to shake . [I]2813-john ’ve known [this man]222-this man for only two months , and now [I]2813-john ’m walking down [the aisle]279-the aisle to [him]222-this man . How did this happen ? The doors to [the summer room]244-the summer room open , music immediately drifting to [my]70-etta james ears . Only now when [I]70-etta james ’m[70-etta james] hearing [Etta James]70-etta james ’ At Last does it occur to [me]70-etta james [I]70-etta james did n’t even pick the music for [my]70-etta james wedding . [I]70-etta james ’ve done absolutely nothing . [I]70-etta james have no idea what ’s happening or when . [My]70-etta james eyes are flying all over the floor at [my]70-etta james feet and [I]70-etta james ’m[70-etta james] feeling tearful all of a sudden . [I]2813-john feel [[my]2813-john dad]2779-dad nudge [me]2813-john with [his]2779-dad elbow , and [I]2813-john glance up at [him]2779-dad , finding soft , reassuring eyes . [He]2779-dad cocks [his]2779-dad head to the side on a small smile , and [I]2813-john follow [his]2779-dad indication to look , clenching [my]2813-john lips together and slowly turning [my]2813-john eyes . Damn , [I]2813-john ’ve done so well . [I]2813-john know all heads are turned in [my]2813-john direction , but it ’s the green eyed man at the end of the aisle who holds [my]2813-john attention . [His]2779-dad hands are joined and draped loosely in front of [his]2779-dad silver - grey , three piece suit , [his]2779-dad body turned fully towards [me]2813-john . [His]2779-dad lips part and [he]2779-dad shakes [his]2779-dad head a little , never taking [his]2779-dad eyes from [mine]2813-john . [Dad]2779-dad nudges [me]2813-john again , and [I]2813-john let out the breath [I]2813-john ’ve been holding . [I]2813-john see [Kate]2774-kate walking in front of [us]331-us , but [I]2813-john ca n’t make [my]2813-john legs work . [I]2813-john snap out of [my]2813-john trance , forcing [my]2813-john feet to lift and carry [me]2813-john onwards , but [I]2813-john only make it two steps before [he]2779-dad starts towards [me]2813-john . [I]2813-john hear [[my]2813-john mum]2779-dad ’s shocked gasp , no doubt reeling at [Jesse]306-jesse ’s lack of respect for tradition , and [I]2813-john stop , halting [[my]2813-john dad]2779-dad ’s progression to wait for [him]2779-dad . [His]2779-dad face is completely straight , and when [he]2779-dad makes it to [me]2813-john , [he]2779-dad blisters [my]2813-john skin with [his]2779-dad scorching gaze , [his]2779-dad eyes running over every part of [my]2813-john face before settling on [my]2813-john lips . Slowly lifting [his]2779-dad arm , [his]2779-dad hand cups [my]2813-john cheek and [his]2779-dad thumb runs over [my]2813-john flesh . [I]2813-john nuzzle into it ; [I]2813-john ca n’t help it . All anxiety is drawn from [me]2813-john by [his]2779-dad touch , [my]2813-john heart steadying and [my]2813-john body starting to relax again . [He]2779-dad bends down and puts [his]2779-dad lips to [my]2813-john ear . ‘ Give [me]2779-dad [your]2813-john hand . ’[2779-dad] [he]2779-dad whispers . [I]2813-john hold out [my]2813-john hand to [him]2779-dad , and [he]2779-dad pulls away from [me]2813-john , taking [my]2813-john offering gently and placing [his]2779-dad lips on the back of it . Then [he]2779-dad snaps a pair of handcuffs over [my]2813-john wrist . [My]2813-john eyes shoot to [his]2779-dad , finding a small smile tickling the edges of [his]2779-dad beautiful lips , but [he]2779-dad does n’t look at [me]2813-john . [He]2779-dad keeps [his]2779-dad eyes down and makes quick work of securing the spare metal loop over [his]2779-dad own wrist . What the hell is [he]2779-dad doing ? [I]2813-john glance up at [[my]2813-john dad]2779-dad , but [he]2779-dad just shakes [his]2779-dad head , and then [I]2813-john look across to [[my]2813-john mother]2774-kate , finding [her]2774-kate with [her]2774-kate head in [her]2774-kate hands , obviously despairing . [I]2813-john ’m released from [[my]2813-john dad]2779-dad ’s hold before [he]2779-dad makes [his]2779-dad way to the front to join [Elizabeth]215-elizabeth , [her]215-elizabeth shocked whisper attacking [him]2779-dad as [he]2779-dad arrives by [her]215-elizabeth side . [My]2813-john eyes drift over the congregation , noting all of [the people who know [Jesse]306-jesse are smiling]2833-the people who know jesse are smiling , [the ones who do n’t displaying wide eyes and gaping mouths]2833-the people who know jesse are smiling . [Kate]2774-kate and [Sam]2844-sam are chuckling , [John]2813-john ’s flashing [his]2813-john gold tooth , and then there ’s [[my]2813-john brother]2813-john . [He]335-he ’s not impressed . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] absolutely stunned . [I]2813-john do n’t know why , [he]335-he behaves however [he]335-he likes . But on [our]336-our wedding day ? In front of [[my]2813-john family]234-my family ? [[My]2813-john mum]2774-kate ’s going to have a hernia . Nothing so far has has reflected the dream wedding that [she]2774-kate undoubtedly had planned for [me]2813-john since [I]2813-john was [a little girl]339-a little girl . [I]2813-john find [my]2813-john senses then find [his]335-he eyes . ‘ What are [you]2774-kate doing ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ask quietly . [He]335-he leans in and kisses [me]2813-john gently on the lips , then moves across [my]2813-john cheek to [my]2813-john ear . ‘ [You]2774-kate look so fuckable . ’[335-he] [I]2813-john gasp a little , [my]2813-john face flashing red . ‘ [Jesse]306-jesse , [people]2834-people are waiting . ’[2813-john] ‘ Then [they]2834-people ’ll wait . ’[335-he] [He]335-he trails [his]335-he way back to [my]2813-john lips . ‘ [I]335-he really , really , really like this dress . ’[335-he] Of course [he]335-he does ; it ’s pure lace . [I]2813-john flick [my]2813-john eyes to [[my]2813-john mother]2774-kate , seeing [her]2774-kate looking at [the registrar]341-the registrar all apologetic , and a small smile breaks the corners of [my]2813-john lips . [I]2813-john reach up to thread [my]2813-john fingers through [his]335-he dark , dirty blonde hair and tug . [I]2813-john should be used to this by now . ‘ [Mr Ward]306-jesse , [you]306-jesse ’re[2813-john] keeping [me]2813-john waiting . ’ [I]2813-john feel [him]335-he grin against [my]2813-john ear . ‘[2813-john] Are [you]342-you ready to love , honour and obey [me]2813-john ? ’ ‘[2813-john] Yes . Marry [me]2813-john now . ’ [He]335-he pulls back and hits [me]2813-john with [his]335-he smile , reserved only for [me]2813-john . ‘[2813-john] Let ’s get married , [[my]2813-john beautiful girl]2813-john . ’ [He]335-he joins [our]2835-our handcuffed hands and starts leading [me]2813-john down [the aisle]279-the aisle . * * * ‘[2813-john] Here . ’ [He]335-he hands [me]2813-john a half - full flute of champagne . ‘[2813-john] Take it easy , [Mrs Ward]72-mrs ward . ’ [I]72-mrs ward take the glass with [my]72-mrs ward free hand before [he]335-he can withdraw [his]335-he offer . [He]335-he ’s been even more unreasonable about [me]72-mrs ward drinking lately , and [I]72-mrs ward know exactly why . ‘[72-mrs ward] Are [you]343-you going to remove the cuffs now ? ’ [I]72-mrs ward ask . ‘[72-mrs ward] No . ’ [he]343-you answers swiftly . ‘[343-you] [You]343-you ’re not leaving [my]343-you side all day long . ’[343-you] [He]343-you signals for a bottle of water from [Mario]53-mario , and [I]2813-john ’m suddenly reminded that [I]2813-john ’ll never enjoy a drink with [Jesse]306-jesse , not even on [our]2837-our wedding day . [I]2813-john glance around [the bar]2773-the bar , seeing [everyone]2825-everyone chatting , nibbling on canapés and drinking champagne . It ’s relaxed and calm , just how [I]2813-john feel [myself]2813-john . After [Jesse]306-jesse insulted all things traditional , [we]2837-our made [our]2837-our vows and [he]306-jesse took it upon [himself]306-jesse to drown [me]2813-john in [his]306-jesse mouth — prior to getting the go ahead from [the registrar]341-the registrar . Then [he]306-jesse picked [me]2813-john up and strode out of [the summer room]254-the room , leaving [[my]2813-john poor mother]2842-my poor mother chasing behind , demanding [he]306-jesse wait for the music . Not a chance . [I]2813-john was placed neatly on [my]2813-john stool at [the bar]2773-the bar and smothered with [his]306-jesse lips while [the congregation]2843-the congregation made [their]2843-the congregation way in behind [us]2837-our . [Dan]464-dan catches [my]2813-john attention across [the room]254-the room . [He]464-dan ’s being so quiet , and [his]464-dan attention is constantly pointed in [Kate]2774-kate ’s direction , which means it ’s also pointed in [Sam]2844-sam ’s . ‘[2813-john] What are [you]344-you thinking about ? ’ [I]2813-john pull [my]2813-john attention back to [Jesse]306-jesse and smile . ‘[2813-john] Nothing . ’ [He]345-he rests [his]345-he palm on the back of [my]2813-john neck and massages [me]2813-john . ‘[2813-john] Are [you]344-you happy ? ’ ‘[2813-john] Yes . ’ [I]2813-john answer quickly . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] delirious . [He]345-he knows [I]2813-john am . ‘ Good , then [my]345-he work here is done . Kiss [me]345-he , [wife]2774-kate . ’[345-he] [He]345-he leans down , offering [his]345-he lips to [me]2813-john . ‘ [You]344-you ’ve upset [[my]345-he mother]2774-kate , ’[345-he] [I]2813-john accuse lightly . ‘ [She]2774-kate ’ll get over it . [I]2813-john said kiss [me]2813-john . ’[2813-john] ‘ [I]2813-john do n’t think [she]2774-kate will . [You]344-you ’ve ruined [her]2774-kate big day . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m grinning . ‘[2813-john] Do n’t make [me]2813-john ask [you]2813-john again , [Ava]536-ava . ’ [he]345-he warns , and [I]536-ava reach up and pull [him]345-he down to [me]536-ava , giving [him]345-he exactly what [he]345-he wants . ‘[536-ava] Enough ! ’ [Mums]73-mums shrill voice stabs at [my]536-ava ear drums . ‘[536-ava] Get those handcuffs off [[my]2813-john daughter]2774-kate ! ’ [She]2774-kate starts fiddling with [my]306-jesse wrist . ‘[306-jesse] [Jesse Ward]306-jesse , [you]2813-john would try the patience of [a Saint]347-a saint ! Where ’s the key ? ’ [He]306-jesse pulls back and narrows [his]306-jesse eyes on [[my]215-elizabeth mum]2774-kate . ‘[215-elizabeth] Somewhere [you]2813-john ’ll never want to venture , [Elizabeth]215-elizabeth . ’ [She]2774-kate gasps and throws irritated eyes at [me]215-elizabeth . ‘[215-elizabeth] [[Your]2813-john husband]2786-mr is a menace . ’ ‘[2786-mr] [I]2813-john love [him]2786-mr . ’ [I]2813-john declare , and [she]2774-kate fights a fond smile from [her]2774-kate cherry red lips . [She]2774-kate ’s desperate to maintain [her]2774-kate grievance , but [I]2813-john know [she]2774-kate loves [him]2786-mr , too . [I]2813-john know [she]2774-kate loves how much [he]2786-mr loves [me]2813-john , and while [he]2786-mr infuriates [her]2774-kate , [he]2786-mr also charms [her]2774-kate , a [he]2786-mr does [all women]2845-all women . Just because [Elizabeth]215-elizabeth happens to be [[my]2813-john mother]215-elizabeth , does n’t make [her]215-elizabeth immune to [his]2786-mr potency . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john know [you]2813-john do , [darling]2813-john . ’ [She]215-elizabeth clucks [my]2813-john cheek and turns [her]215-elizabeth attention to [the bar]2773-the bar , calling [Mario]53-mario for some of [his]53-mario Most Marvellous . ‘[2813-john] Right ! ’ [Tessa]2774-kate dives over to [us]350-we and takes [my]349-the photographer glass from [my]349-the photographer hand . ‘[349-the photographer] [The photographer]349-the photographer is ready . [I]2813-john thought [we]350-we ’d get the family shots out of the way first , then have [you]351-you two alone for a few . [You]351-you ’ll need to remove those cuffs . ’ [I]350-we watch as [my]350-we glass is placed on the bar before [she]215-elizabeth makes a grab for [Jesse]306-jesse ’s water , but [he]306-jesse swipes it away , leaving [Tessa]2774-kate grabbing at thin air . ‘[350-we] [We]350-we ’re not in the photos , [I]306-jesse told [you]351-you . ’[306-jesse] [Jesse]306-jesse says . ‘ [We]350-we ’re[306-jesse] not ? ’ [I]351-you blurt , completely shocked . [He]349-the photographer ’s trampling that tradition , too ? ‘[351-you] [You]351-you must be in the photos . ’ [Tessa]2774-kate insists . ‘[351-you] What memories will [you]351-you have ? ’ [She]2774-kate looks horrified . [I]2774-kate bet [she]2774-kate ’s wishing [she]2774-kate ’d never taken [us]350-we on . Or taken [Jesse]306-jesse on ; [I]2774-kate ’ve had nothing to do with this day . ‘[2774-kate] [Tessa]2774-kate , take [the family]352-the family outside for photos , ’ [Jesse]306-jesse orders . It ’s that voice . ‘[2774-kate] [I]2813-john do n’t need pictures for memories . ’ [I]353-we look at [him]2813-john in horror . ‘[353-we] [We]353-we ’re not in the family shots ? ’[353-we] Oh God , another reason for [[my]2813-john mum]2774-kate to despair . ‘ No . ’[2813-john] [he]2813-john answers decisively . ‘ [You]2813-john ca n’t begrudge [her]2774-kate a photo with [[her]2774-kate daughter]2774-kate ! ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john does n’t answer , [he]2813-john just shrugs nonchalantly . [I]2813-john roll [my]2813-john eyes . ‘ [You]2813-john do it to [her]2774-kate on purpose . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john grumble . ‘ [We]353-we ’re[2813-john] having photos . ’ ‘[353-we] No , [we]353-we ’re not . ’[2813-john] [he]2813-john retorts shortly . [I]2813-john glare at [[my]2813-john delicious husband]355-my delicious husband with narrowed , determined eyes . [He]2813-john is not trampling this . ‘ [We]353-we are having photographs . This is [my]2813-john wedding , too , [Ward]306-jesse . ’[2813-john] [His]355-my delicious husband mouth drops open , [his]355-my delicious husband bottle pausing halfway to [his]355-my delicious husband lips . ‘ But [I]355-my delicious husband want some quiet time . Just [me]355-my delicious husband and [you]355-my delicious husband . ’[355-my delicious husband] ‘ [We]353-we ’re[2813-john] having photos . ’ [I]355-my delicious husband say , full of authority . [I]355-my delicious husband feel a sulk coming on , but [I]355-my delicious husband ’m[355-my delicious husband] not letting [him]2813-john win this one . [He]2813-john scowls slightly , but [he]2813-john does n’t argue with [me]2813-john . Instead , [he]2813-john signals for [Tessa]2774-kate to gather [[our]356-our guests]357-our guests and take [them]357-our guests into [the rear grounds of [The Manor]226-the manor]358-the rear grounds of the manor . [I]2813-john watch as [she]2774-kate flies into commander role , shouting for [everyone]2825-everyone to leave [the bar]2773-the bar and head to [the gardens]362-the gardens . ‘ Come on , then . ’[2813-john] [he]2813-john grumbles , lifting [me]2813-john from the stool and placing [me]2813-john neatly on [my]2813-john feet . [I]2813-john mentally cheer to [myself]2813-john . [He]2813-john ’s learning , or perhaps it ’s [me]2813-john who ’s learning — learning how to deal with [him]2813-john . [I]2813-john ’m not sure , but [we]365-we ’re[2813-john] making immense progress . [He]2813-john knows when to relent , as do I. [He]2813-john leads [me]2813-john out into the sunshine and over to the gathering of [guests]252-guests . [Tessa]2774-kate is directing [people]2834-people into various positions , but [[my]2813-john mother]2774-kate is quickly repositioning bodies as [we]365-we approach . [I]2813-john look across and see [Kate]2774-kate being ravished by [Sam]2844-sam , [my]2813-john eyes instantly darting towards [Dan]464-dan and finding what [I]2813-john knew [I]2813-john would . A filthy look . Is [she]2774-kate doing this on purpose ? [I]2813-john look up at [Jesse]306-jesse . ‘ Please , just do what [you]366-you ’re[2813-john] told . ’ The more [he]306-jesse plays up , the longer this will take and the more stressed [[my]2813-john mum]2774-kate will get . ‘[2813-john] If [you]366-you promise [me]2813-john quiet time after . ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john promise [you]366-you quiet time . ’ [I]2813-john say on a laugh . ‘[2813-john] Good . [I]2813-john hate sharing [you]366-you . ’ [he]306-jesse grumbles , and [I]2813-john smile . [I]2813-john know [he]306-jesse does . [Jesse]306-jesse spends the next hour cooperating completely . [He]306-jesse moves when asked , smiles when requested , and even releases [me]2813-john from the cuffs without complaint when [I]2813-john have some shots on [my]2813-john own . On the final click , [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] swiftly scooped up and carried back to [The Manor]226-the manor . It ’s not long before [we]368-we ’re alone in [one of [The Manor ’s suites]2848-one of the manor ’s suites]2848-one of the manor ’s suites — [the suite where [he]306-jesse cornered [me]306-jesse and tried to seduce [me]306-jesse]2848-one of the manor ’s suites , and [the suite where [I]306-jesse got [myself]306-jesse ready for [our]368-we wedding]2848-one of the manor ’s suites . The door closes softly behind [us]368-we , and [I]306-jesse ’m[306-jesse] led to the grand , satin - adorned bed . [He]306-jesse lifts [me]2813-john and crawls up the bed , settling [me]2813-john beneath [him]306-jesse . Now [I]2813-john ’ve got a set of lustful greens gazing down at [me]2813-john . ‘ Quiet time . ’[306-jesse] [he]306-jesse whispers , dropping a soft kiss on [my]2813-john lips before [his]306-jesse face buries straight into [my]2813-john neck . ‘ [You]306-jesse want to snuggle ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ask , a little surprised . ‘ [I]306-jesse do . ’[306-jesse] [He]306-jesse nuzzles further . ‘ [I]306-jesse want to snuggle with [[my]306-jesse wife]2849-my wife . Are [you]2849-my wife going to deny [me]306-jesse ? ’[306-jesse] ‘ No . ’[306-jesse] ‘ Good . [Our]2850-our marriage is getting off to the best start , then . ’[306-jesse] [he]306-jesse says , completely serious . So [I]2813-john let [him]306-jesse snuggle . [I]2813-john absorb [his]306-jesse weight , [his]306-jesse smell and [his]306-jesse heart beating against [my]2813-john chest . [I]2813-john like quiet time , but as [I]2813-john gaze up at the high ceiling , [my]2813-john mind naturally wanders to the thoughts that have been lingering for weeks — the thoughts that [I]2813-john have tried [my]2813-john hardest to bat away . Impossible . The perfection of this moment , of [our]370-our love for each other , is clouded by the reality of the challenges ahead . There has been no contact from [Mikael]74-mikael , so [I]2813-john assume [he]306-jesse is still in [Denmark]5-denmark . [I]2813-john ’ve been spared that challenge for now , although [he]306-jesse ’s bound to return soon and [I]2813-john highly expect [him]306-jesse to enforce [our]370-our meeting when [he]306-jesse does . There has been no sight of [Coral]1009-coral , either , and [Sarah]60-sarah has been kicked out on [her]60-sarah arse after admitting to everything that [I]2813-john absolutely knew [she]60-sarah did . [I]2813-john ’ve not heard from [Matt]264-matt , so [he]306-jesse ’s definitely got the message , but [I]2813-john ’m still far too curious about [his]306-jesse knowledge of [Jesse]306-jesse ’s drinking issue . And then there ’s [my]2813-john period , which is due on Monday . [I]2813-john ’ve never wished so hard for something . [A baby]2851-a baby ? [I]2813-john ca n’t even think about that , and [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] not ignorant to the fact that [I]2813-john ’ve buried [my]2813-john head well and truly in [the sand]371-the sand . Way , way down . [Jesse]306-jesse has n’t mentioned it again , but [I]2813-john know [he]306-jesse wants [me]2813-john pregnant . [He]306-jesse would love to have [me]2813-john nailed to [his]306-jesse side , [he]306-jesse ’s made that clear , and perhaps [he]306-jesse thinks [a baby]2851-a baby would achieve this . [He]306-jesse would see it as the perfect excuse for [me]2813-john to give up work , something else [he]306-jesse would like to happen . But [I]2813-john love [my]2813-john job . [I]2813-john love spending [my]2813-john days designing and interacting with [clients]373-clients . [I]2813-john ’ll battle with [him]306-jesse on this . [I]2813-john ’ll fight [him]306-jesse really hard … if [I]2813-john ’m not pregnant . [I]2813-john ’ve no idea what [I]2813-john ’ll do if [I]2813-john am . [I]2813-john know [he]306-jesse ’ll be looking for signs of [my]2813-john period , and [I]2813-john ca n’t hide that from [him]306-jesse . [I]2813-john ’ve been making [him]306-jesse wear condoms for two weeks , and [he]306-jesse ’s clearly demonstrated [his]306-jesse disgust , but if [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] not pregnant , then [I]2813-john want it to stay that way . ‘ Will [you]306-jesse do something for [me]2813-john ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ask quietly . ‘ Anything . ’[306-jesse] [His]306-jesse hot breath on [my]2813-john neck has [my]2813-john head turning into [him]306-jesse , encouraging [him]306-jesse to look at [me]2813-john . [His]306-jesse head lifts from its hiding place , [his]306-jesse hair now a dishevelled mess , [his]306-jesse greens finding [my]2813-john eyes . ‘ What do [you]306-jesse want , [baby]306-jesse ? ’[306-jesse] ‘ Can [you]306-jesse please resist talking to [Patrick]374-patrick about [Mikael]74-mikael ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john brace [myself]2813-john for [his]306-jesse scoff . [I]2813-john ’ve managed to keep [him]306-jesse from [[my]2813-john boss]374-patrick , but with [Patrick]374-patrick and [Irene]79-irene arriving later for the evening reception , [I]2813-john ’m not sure [Jesse]306-jesse can hold [himself]306-jesse back . Things have been quiet on [the Mikael front]2852-the mikael front , and [I]2813-john ’ve been allowed to work , even if [he]306-jesse does call constantly . [I]2813-john would n’t be at all surprised if [Jesse]306-jesse knows that [[my]2813-john Danish client]2853-my danish client is out of [the country]2854-the country . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john agreed not to visit [Patrick]374-patrick if [you]375-you spoke with [him]374-patrick . And [I]2813-john do n’t believe [you]375-you have . ’ [He]374-patrick raises expectant eyebrows at [me]2813-john . No , [I]2813-john have n’t , because [I]2813-john have no idea how to approach this . [He]374-patrick was shocked enough to hear that [I]2813-john was marrying [one of [[my]2813-john clients]2856-my clients just a short time after taking on the contract]2855-one of my clients just a short time after taking on the contract . [I]2813-john could hardly hit [him]374-patrick with the shock that [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] about to jump ship on [[Rococo Union]6-rococo union ’s most important client]376-rococo union ’s most important client , [the client who guarantees [Patrick]374-patrick ’s retirement]376-rococo union ’s most important client — the retirement that [he]374-patrick wo n’t need if [I]2813-john tell [him]374-patrick the news because [he]374-patrick ’ll most certainly keel over and die of shock . ‘ Give [me]2813-john until Monday . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john plead . ‘ [I]2813-john ’ll talk to [him]374-patrick on Monday . ’[2813-john] ‘ Monday . ’[374-patrick] [he]374-patrick affirms , [his]374-patrick eyes slightly narrowed . ‘ [I]374-patrick mean it , [Ava]536-ava . [You]536-ava ’ve got till Monday , and then [I]374-patrick ’m[374-patrick] stepping in . ’ ‘[374-patrick] Okay . ’ [He]374-patrick grunts a little , and then buries [himself]374-patrick back in [my]374-patrick neck . ‘[374-patrick] Monday . ’ [he]374-patrick mumbles again . ‘[374-patrick] And when do [I]2813-john get to take [you]377-you away ? ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john did warn [you]377-you if [you]377-you wanted to marry [me]2813-john so quickly , there would be no honeymoon for a while . [You]377-you accepted that , remember ? ’ [He]374-patrick lifts [his]374-patrick head and points a scowl at [me]377-you . ‘[377-you] So when am [I]2813-john going to get [[my]2813-john wife]2849-my wife all to [myself]2813-john ? When am [I]2813-john going to be able to love [her]2849-my wife ? ’ ‘[2849-my wife] [You]2849-my wife always love [me]2813-john . When [I]2813-john ’m not working , [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] with [you]2849-my wife . And [you]2849-my wife text and call [me]2813-john often enough , so [I]2813-john ’m technically connected to [you]2849-my wife all day , anyway . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john need to approach this issue , too . [He]379-he ’s relentless . ‘ [I]379-he want [you]2849-my wife to give up working . ’[379-he] [he]379-he ’s pouting , and [I]2813-john ’m shaking [my]380-a lady of leisure head , just like [I]380-a lady of leisure have every time [he]379-he ’s suggested this . [He]379-he ’s not demanding yet , but that ’s coming , most likely when [Mikael]74-mikael rears [his]379-he ugly head . ‘[380-a lady of leisure] Be [a lady of leisure]380-a lady of leisure . ’ [he]379-he presses . ‘[380-a lady of leisure] How would [I]2813-john be [a lady of leisure]380-a lady of leisure if [I]2813-john ’m permanently nailed to [you]2813-john ? ’[379-he] [His]379-he hips push forward into [my]2813-john groin , enticing a sharp intake of breath from [me]2813-john . ‘ Okay . Be [a lady of pleasure]380-a lady of leisure , then . ’[379-he] [He]379-he ’s grinning at [me]2813-john , the crafty arse , and [I]2813-john suspect a sense fuck is on the horizon . [I]2813-john ’d love [him]379-he to take [me]2813-john hard . It would make a nice change after the last few weeks of gentle [Jesse]306-jesse . ‘ [Ward]306-jesse , [you]2813-john are not taking [me]379-he now . Anyway , [we]2857-we should get [downstairs]316-downstairs before [[my]379-he mum]2774-kate comes in search of [us]2857-we . ’[379-he] [He]379-he rolls [his]379-he eyes and sighs . ‘ [[You]2813-john ’re[2774-kate] [mother]2774-kate]2774-kate is a pain in the fucking arse . ’ ‘[2774-kate] Do n’t wind [her]2774-kate up , then . ’ [I]2774-kate laugh . [He]379-he shifts off [me]2774-kate and pulls [me]2774-kate to the edge of the bed . ‘[2774-kate] [She]2774-kate needs to accept who has the power . ’ [he]379-he says candidly , starting to re - cuff [me]382-you . [My]382-you amusement increases . ‘[382-you] [You]382-you ’re touching [me]2813-john . Of course [you]382-you have the power . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john attempt to pull [my]2813-john hand free from [his]379-he grip , but the clanging of metal soon tells [me]2813-john [he]379-he ’s already managed to secure [me]2813-john . [I]2813-john look up at [him]379-he . [He]379-he grinning that roguish grin . ‘ [I]379-he ’m[379-he] sorry . ’ [He]379-he shakes [our]2859-our wrists , instigating another clanking of the handcuffs . ‘[379-he] Who has the power ? ’ [I]382-you scowl at [him]379-he . ‘[382-you] [You]382-you can have the power for today . ’ [I]382-you brush [my]382-you hair over [my]382-you shoulder and rearrange [my]382-you diamond . ‘[382-you] [You]382-you ’re being very reasonable . ’[379-he] [he]379-he says quietly , swooping down and tackling [my]2813-john mouth . [I]2813-john grip [his]379-he shoulder and soak up [his]379-he attentive tongue and the warmth of [his]379-he big palm secured at the base of [my]2813-john back . ‘ Hmmm . ’[379-he] [he]379-he hums . ‘ [You]382-you taste delicious , [Mrs Ward]72-mrs ward . Ready ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john shake [myself]2813-john back to life . ‘ Yes . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m all breathy and hot . [His]379-he eyes drift down to [my]2813-john stomach , and [his]379-he hand slowly lifts . [I]2813-john flinch when [his]379-he hand connects , and [he]379-he freezes , [his]379-he fingers resting lightly on [my]2813-john belly . [I]2813-john do n’t know why that happened . [He]379-he does n’t look up , [he]379-he just waits a few silent moments before spreading [his]379-he fingers , and then circling big , soft , rings on [my]2813-john stomach . [I]2813-john wish [he]379-he would stop doing this . [Neither one of [us]2861-us]294-neither one of us has spoken about it , but it ca n’t be avoided for much longer . [He]379-he must sense [my]2813-john lack of enthusiasm . This little situation is [my]2813-john biggest burden of all . [I]2813-john do n’t want [a baby]2851-a baby . [I]2813-john pull back and [his]379-he hand drops . ‘[2813-john] Come on , then . ’ [I]2813-john ca n’t look at [him]379-he . [I]2813-john start towards the door , but [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] soon halted when [Jesse]306-jesse does n’t follow , the metal of the cuffs cutting into [my]2813-john flesh . [I]2813-john wince a little . ‘ Are [we]383-we going to talk about this , [Ava]536-ava ? ’[306-jesse] [he]306-jesse asks shortly . ‘ Talk about what ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ca n’t do this , not now — not on [my]2813-john wedding day . [We]383-we ’ve had weeks of skirting around this , and for once it ’s [me]2813-john who ’s evading all talk . [I]2813-john ’m in complete denial , [I]384-i realise that , but it ’s hitting [me]384-i harder each day . [I]384-i could be pregnant . ‘[384-i] [You]384-i know what . ’ [I]384-i keep [my]384-i eyes down , not knowing what else to say . Time seems to slow , enhancing the awkward silence between [us]383-we , and as [I]384-i hear [him]306-jesse draw breath to speak when [I]384-i ’m[384-i] clearly not going to , the door crashes open and [my]2813-john mum charges in . [I]2813-john ’ve never been so pleased to see [her]385-i . ‘ Can [I]385-i ask , ’[385-i] [she]385-i starts , all stern , ‘ why [you]384-i two did n’t just run off somewhere to get married ? [You]384-i have [guests]252-guests [downstairs]316-downstairs , dinner is being served and [I]385-i ’m[385-i] thoroughly fed up of running around trying to control [you]384-i . ’ ‘[386-we] [We]386-we ’re coming . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john pull at the cuffs , but [he]387-he does n’t budge . ‘ [We]386-we ’ll be a few minutes , [Elizabeth]215-elizabeth . ’[306-jesse] [Jesse]306-jesse counters shortly . ‘ No , [we]386-we ’re[306-jesse] coming . ’ [I]306-jesse argue , silently begging [him]387-he to leave this exactly where it is . [I]306-jesse give [him]387-he pleading eyes , and [he]387-he shakes [his]387-he head on a sigh . ‘[306-jesse] Please . ’ [I]306-jesse say quietly . [His]387-he hand delves into [his]387-he hair in frustration and [his]387-he jaw tightens severely . [He]387-he ’s not happy , but [he]387-he relents and lets [me]306-jesse pull [him]387-he from [the room]254-the room . [I]306-jesse ca n’t believe [he]387-he has chosen today of all days to push for a talk on this . It ’s [my]306-jesse wedding day . [We]2866-we make [our]2866-we way [downstairs]316-downstairs , the silence between [us]2866-we remaining uncomfortable , but [[my]306-jesse mum]2774-kate is oblivious . [I]306-jesse ’m[306-jesse] feeling mad . Why today ? Chapter 3 [The summer room]244-the summer room looks incredible . Hints of green foliage peek out from among the masses of calla lilies adorning every spare space . The chairs are draped in white organza with big green bows fastened to the back , and the tables are scattered with fern leaves . Tall glass vases , full of crystal clear water and tall calla lilies dominate the tables . Simple , understated elegance . [I]2813-john ’ve picked [my]2813-john way through a three course meal with no wine , played with [my]2813-john napkin and indulged [anyone who ’s approached in conversation]389-anyone who ’s approached in conversation . [I]2813-john ’ve done anything to avoid looking at [Jesse]306-jesse . [John]2813-john has given a short , sweet speech as [[Jesse]306-jesse ’s best man]306-jesse . There was no talk of [their]389-anyone who ’s approached in conversation history as [friends]390-friends , no mention of [Uncle Carmichael]323-carmichael or the early days . [John]2813-john does n’t do humour , although [he]2813-john seems to find [Jesse]306-jesse ’s way with [me]2813-john quite amusing . And [[my]2813-john Dad]2779-dad . [I]2813-john ’m close to tears as [I]306-jesse watch [him]2813-john battle [his]2813-john way through [his]2813-john post - it notes , reminiscing on [my]306-jesse youth , advising every one of [my]306-jesse feisty streak , and then proceeding to tell [them]389-anyone who ’s approached in conversation about the time [I]306-jesse got caught shoplifting a penny sweet and ate the evidence . [He]2813-john raises [his]2813-john glass and turns towards [us]2869-us . ‘[306-jesse] [Jesse]306-jesse , good luck . ’ [he]2813-john says seriously , prompting a chorus of laughter from all of [[our]2869-us guests]357-our guests and a huge smile from [Jesse]306-jesse , who raises [his]306-jesse glass , too , then stands [himself]306-jesse , keeping [his]306-jesse arm down so [he]306-jesse does n’t yank at [my]306-jesse wrist . [[My]306-jesse dad]306-jesse is applauded as [he]306-jesse sits and downs a straight whiskey , [[my]306-jesse mum]306-jesse rubbing [his]306-jesse shoulder on a smile . [Jesse]306-jesse places [his]306-jesse water on the table and turns towards [me]306-jesse , dropping to [his]306-jesse knees and taking [my]306-jesse hands in [his]306-jesse . [My]306-jesse back straightens , and [my]306-jesse eyes make a quick scan of [the room]254-the room , noting all attention is pointed right at [us]2872-us . Why ca n’t [he]306-jesse play by the rules ? [His]306-jesse thumbs are working fast circles on the backs of [my]306-jesse hands , and then [he]306-jesse plays with [my]306-jesse rings , turning them on [my]306-jesse finger before straightening them up . [He]306-jesse lifts [his]306-jesse glorious greens , and [I]306-jesse ’m[306-jesse] blasted by twinkling pools of pure happiness . [I]2813-john make [him]222-this man happy , even when [I]2813-john ’m avoiding something [we]2872-us really do need to talk about . After [my]536-ava continuous battle to get [this man]222-this man talking , it ’s now [me]536-ava who ’s skirting around things . It ’s [me]536-ava running away from it , even if [I]536-ava am running away from a problem [he]222-this man ’s created . ‘[536-ava] [Ava]536-ava , ’ [he]222-this man says quietly , but [I]536-ava ’ve no doubt [the whole room]2873-the whole room can hear [him]222-this man . The silence is screaming . ‘[536-ava] [[My]2813-john beautiful girl]536-ava . ’ [He]222-this man smiles mildly . ‘[536-ava] All [mine]536-ava . ’ Leaning up , [he]222-this man kisses [me]536-ava sweetly . ‘[536-ava] [I]2813-john do n’t need to stand up and declare to [everyone]2825-everyone [here]2799-here how much [I]2813-john love [you]536-ava . [I]2813-john ’m not interested in satisfying [anyone of that]2874-anyone of that . Except [you]536-ava . ’[2813-john] A lump is forming in [my]2813-john throat , and [he]395-me ’s only just started . [He]395-me sighs . ‘ [You]536-ava ’ve taken [me]395-me completely , [baby]536-ava . [You]536-ava ’ve swallowed [me]395-me up and drowned [me]395-me in [your]536-ava beauty and spirit . [You]536-ava know [I]395-me ca n’t function without [you]536-ava . [You]536-ava ’ve made [my]395-me life as beautiful as [you]536-ava are . [You]536-ava ’ve made [me]395-me want to live a worthy existence — a life with [you]536-ava . All [I]395-me need is [you]536-ava — to look at [you]536-ava ; to listen to [you]536-ava ; to feel [you]536-ava . ’[395-me] [He]396-he drops [my]2813-john hands and smoothes [his]396-he palms over [my]2813-john thighs . ‘ To love [you]536-ava . ’[396-he] [I]2813-john ’m ruined . [[My]2813-john mum]2774-kate ’s ruined . Everyone in [the room]254-the room is ruined . [My]2813-john teeth are clamped on [my]2813-john bottom lip to prevent a sob escaping , [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] choking on the lump in [my]2813-john throat and [my]2813-john eyes are welling with tears as [I]2813-john look down at [Jesse]306-jesse ’s handsome face . ‘ [I]2813-john need [you]536-ava to let [me]2813-john do all of those things , [Ava]536-ava . [I]2813-john need [you]536-ava to let [me]2813-john look after [you]536-ava forever . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john hear [[my]2813-john mum]2774-kate ’s quiet sob , and [I]2813-john ca n’t help [mine]2813-john . Not now . [He]306-jesse used to cripple [me]2813-john with just [his]306-jesse touch . Now [he]306-jesse cripples [me]2813-john with [his]306-jesse touch and [his]306-jesse words . [I]2813-john ’m destined for a life of devastating pleasure , melting tenderness , and heart stopping emotion . [He]306-jesse ’s going to incapacitate [me]2813-john at every turn . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john know . ’ [I]2813-john whisper . [He]306-jesse nods and exhales a long lungful of air before standing and pulling [me]2813-john up to [his]306-jesse body . [My]2813-john face falls straight into [his]306-jesse neck , and [I]2813-john breathe [him]306-jesse into [me]2813-john , [his]306-jesse fresh , minty scent prompting [me]2813-john to close [my]2813-john eyes on a contented sigh . [The room]254-the room is no longer silent . When [I]2813-john pull out of [Jesse]306-jesse ’s hold , [I]2813-john see [people standing everywhere]2878-people standing everywhere , a steady , respectful clapping of hands resonating through [the room]254-the room . [I]2813-john should feel embarrassed , but [I]2813-john do n’t . [He]306-jesse ’s just spoken to [me]2813-john like [we]2879-we were alone , proving that [he]306-jesse really does n’t care where [he]306-jesse is and who ’s there — wherever and whenever , as it always has been and as it always will be . [I]2813-john watch as [[my]2813-john mum]2774-kate approaches and throws [her]310-my daughter arms around [Jesse]306-jesse . ‘[2813-john] [Jesse Ward]306-jesse , [I]2813-john love [you]306-jesse , ’ [she]310-my daughter says in [his]306-jesse ear , as [he]306-jesse holds [her]310-my daughter with one arm , ‘[2813-john] but please remove those handcuffs from [[my]2813-john daughter]310-my daughter . ’ ‘[215-elizabeth] Not going to happen , [Elizabeth]215-elizabeth . ’ [She]310-my daughter releases [him]306-jesse and slaps [his]306-jesse shoulder , and then [Kate]2774-kate dives on [him]306-jesse . ‘[215-elizabeth] Oh [my]2813-john God . [I]2813-john wanna kiss [your]306-jesse feet . ’ [I]2813-john roll [my]2813-john eyes , getting [my]2813-john arm yanked all over [the place]2776-the place while [people]2834-people congratulate [[my]2813-john neurotic ex - playboy]2883-my neurotic ex - playboy on [his]306-jesse little speech . It ’s [our]2884-our wedding day , and [I]2813-john do n’t want to be here . [All of [these people , including [Kate]2774-kate]2885-all of these people , including kate and my mother and [[my]2813-john mother]2774-kate]2885-all of these people , including kate and my mother , are getting in [my]2813-john way . [I]2813-john want [him]306-jesse all to [myself]2813-john , but [evening guests]2887-evening guests are arriving so [we]2887-evening guests ’re[2813-john] not going anywhere . After [I]2813-john ’ve been kissed on the cheek a million times , and [Jesse]306-jesse has shaken hands with [everyone]2825-everyone , [he]306-jesse starts leading [me]2813-john from [the summer room]244-the summer room . ‘ [Ava]536-ava ? ’[306-jesse] [I]2813-john turn , finding [[my]2813-john brother]71-my brother close behind [us]402-us . [I]2813-john almost wish [he]306-jesse was n’t here . [He]306-jesse ’s struggling , and it ’s incredibly painful to see . Looking down at [my]2813-john wrist , [I]2813-john start wondering how [I]2813-john can convince [Jesse]306-jesse to release [me]2813-john . [He]306-jesse would n’t for [[my]2813-john mum]2774-kate , and [I]2813-john have n’t much faith that [he]306-jesse will for [[my]2813-john brother]71-my brother . [I]2813-john know [Dan]464-dan ’s wary of [him]306-jesse , and [I]2813-john also know that [Jesse]306-jesse is aware of this . [I]2813-john turn [my]2813-john eyes up to [Jesse]306-jesse and find [him]306-jesse watching [me]2813-john . [He]306-jesse knows what [I]2813-john ’m thinking , and [I]2813-john know [he]306-jesse ’s not happy about it , but [he]306-jesse still reaches into [his]306-jesse pocket and pulls out a small key . Without a word , [he]306-jesse releases [me]2813-john from the cuffs and leaves them dangling from [his]306-jesse wrist . ‘[2813-john] Go . ’ [he]306-jesse says quietly , flicking threatening eyes at [Dan]464-dan . [Dan]464-dan gives as good as [he]306-jesse gets , flashing an equally warning glare . [I]306-jesse do n’t need this , not with two of [the most important men in [my]306-jesse life]2888-the most important men in my life . [I]306-jesse know why [Dan]464-dan is cautious , even if [he]464-dan does n’t know the whole story , and [I]306-jesse know damn well why [Jesse]306-jesse is . [Dan]464-dan ’s a threat . [He]464-dan ’s [[my]306-jesse brother]464-dan , but [he]464-dan ’s still a threat . In [Jesse]306-jesse ’s eyes , anyway . [I]306-jesse lean up to kiss [Jesse]306-jesse ’s cheek and feel [his]306-jesse hand glide around [my]306-jesse hips , smoothing over [my]306-jesse bum before [he]306-jesse rips [his]306-jesse eyes away from [Dan]464-dan and turns [his]306-jesse face into [my]306-jesse lips . ‘[306-jesse] Do n’t be long . ’ [he]306-jesse says , releasing [me]306-jesse and striding off towards [the bar]2773-the bar . ‘[306-jesse] Come on . ’ [I]306-jesse hold [my]306-jesse hand out to [Dan]464-dan , and [he]306-jesse takes it , letting [me]306-jesse lead [him]306-jesse out to [the gardens]362-the gardens . [We]404-we ’re[306-jesse] silent for a short while as [we]404-we wander down [the gravel path]405-the gravel path , past [the tennis courts]406-the tennis courts , finding [ourselves]404-we in [the woodlands]362-the gardens . The low evening sun is fighting through the canopy of trees and scattering dashes of sparkling light across the ground before [us]404-we . [I]2813-john focus [my]2813-john attention on tracking the puddles of light as [they]408-they dance across the forest floor at [my]2813-john feet . There has never been discomfort between [us]404-we , but the tension now feels really uncomfortable . Dropping [Dan]464-dan ’s hand and lifting [my]2813-john dress , [I]2813-john step over a large twig and catch [my]2813-john heel , causing [me]2813-john to stagger slightly . ‘ Oh ! ’[2813-john] ‘ Careful . ’[464-dan] [Dan]464-dan grabs [my]2813-john elbow to steady [me]2813-john . ‘ [I]464-dan do n’t think those shoes were made for hiking . ’[464-dan] [he]464-dan quips on a small smile . [I]2813-john relax immediately . ‘ No , ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john laugh , straightening [myself]2813-john out . ‘ [Ava]536-ava … ’[464-dan] [he]464-dan trails off . [I]2813-john give [him]464-dan a tired look . ‘ Just say it , [Dan]464-dan . Whatever [you]536-ava ’ve been dying to say since [you]536-ava ’ve met [Jesse]306-jesse , just say it . ’[2813-john] ‘ Okay . [I]2813-john do n’t like [him]464-dan . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john recoil a little . [He]464-dan hardly knows [him]464-dan . ‘ Okay , ’[464-dan] [I]2813-john laugh uncomfortably . ‘ [I]464-dan did n’t think [you]536-ava ’d be so blunt . ’[464-dan] [He]464-dan shrugs . ‘ What do [you]536-ava want [me]464-dan to say ? ’[464-dan] ‘ [You]536-ava do n’t even know [him]464-dan . The only attempt [you]536-ava ’ve made to speak with [him]464-dan , to get to know [him]464-dan , was when [you]536-ava tried to warn [him]464-dan . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john accuse . [[My]2813-john mum]2774-kate might have intercepted [[Dan]464-dan ’s older brother]410-dan ’s older brother speech , but [he]464-dan still made a start , and [Jesse]306-jesse ’s ticking jaw was a clear indication of what [he]464-dan thought of [Dan]464-dan ’s intended caution . ‘ Explain about this drink issue , then . ’[464-dan] [he]464-dan challenges . [My]2813-john eyes widen . ‘ What are [you]2813-john talking about ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john do n’t like the reproachful look on [his]464-dan face , not at all . ‘ [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] talking about the drink issue [Matt]264-matt brought up — the drink issue that has n’t been mentioned since . The fact [he]264-matt has n’t touched alcohol all day has n’t gone unnoticed , [Ava]536-ava . Not on [my]2813-john part , anyway . [Mum]246-mum ’s probably too wrapped up in mother - of - the - bride duties to see it . ’ [I]246-mum knew it was too much of a good thing . After [Jesse]306-jesse ’s sly stunt of getting [[my]246-mum parents]2767-my parents to [London]3-london , [they]2767-my parents fell in love with [him]264-matt and the drink issue was n’t mentioned again . [They]2767-my parents put it down to [Matt]264-matt being spiteful . [I]246-mum do n’t need [Dan]464-dan unearthing an issue that really is n’t an issue . [Jesse]306-jesse has n’t had a drink since [I]246-mum found [him]306-jesse at [Lusso]95-lusso . [He]411-he does n’t need it if [he]411-he has [me]246-mum , and [he]411-he most definitely has [me]246-mum . ‘[246-mum] And where ’s [[his]411-he family]2789-his family ? ’ [he]411-he asks . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’ve told [you]2813-john . [He]411-he does n’t speak to [them]2789-his family . ’ ‘[411-he] Right . ’ [He]411-he laughs . ‘[411-he] That ’s convenient . And to think [I]2813-john disliked [Matt]264-matt . ’ ‘[264-matt] So now [you]2813-john ’re suddenly a Matt advocate , are [you]2813-john ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john snipe nastily . [I]2813-john point [my]2813-john finger in [his]264-matt face . [I]2813-john feel really fucking mad , and [I]2813-john ’ve never been mad with [Dan]464-dan . ‘ There is no issue . [He]264-matt has [no family]2891-no family , so back off . Let ’s talk about what ’s really eating [you]2813-john up . Let ’s talk about [Kate]2774-kate . ’[2813-john] It ’s [his]264-matt eyes that are wide now . Yes , [I]2813-john ’ve just homed in on the real issue here . [I]2813-john ’m not going to let [him]264-matt ruin [my]2813-john day with [his]264-matt judgments . [They]413-they ’re[2813-john] not valid , and [I]2813-john do n’t want to hear [them]413-they . ‘ Nothing ’s eating [me]264-matt up ! ’[264-matt] [he]264-matt yells . ‘ [I]264-matt could n’t give a fuck about [Kate]2774-kate ! ’[264-matt] ‘ Of course ! ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john laugh . ‘ That ’s why [you]2813-john ’ve barely pulled [your]2813-john eyes away from [her]2774-kate all day . ’[2813-john] ‘ Who the hell is that [Sam]2844-sam ? ’[264-matt] [His]264-matt tone only confirming [I]2813-john ’ve hit a nerve . [I]2813-john might not be thrilled with [Kate]2774-kate ’s life direction at the moment , but [I]2813-john would prefer [her]2774-kate carrying on with [Sam]2844-sam , rather than heading for guaranteed disaster with [Dan]464-dan . It ended in tears before and it will again . ‘ [He]464-dan ’s good for [her]2774-kate . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john spit . [I]2813-john ca n’t believe [I]2813-john ’ve just said that . [Dan]464-dan would die on the spot if [he]464-dan knew the ins and outs of [Kate]2774-kate and [Sam]2844-sam ’s relationship . [I]2813-john do n’t even know the extent of it [myself]2813-john , but [I]2813-john have a good idea . ‘ [You]2892-you need to leave this exactly where it is . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john gather [my]2813-john dress up , ready to make a retreat , but [he]464-dan grabs [my]2813-john arm . ‘ What if [I]464-dan do n’t want to ? ’[464-dan] ‘ Get [your]2892-you fucking hands off [her]2774-kate . ’[464-dan] The familiar growl pulls [my]2813-john head around fast . [Jesse]306-jesse is standing nearby . [His]306-jesse chest is heaving , and [he]306-jesse has a murderous look on [his]306-jesse face . ‘ It ’s fine . [We]2893-we ’re[306-jesse] done . ’ [I]71-my brother say , yanking [my]71-my brother arm free . [I]71-my brother need to get [Jesse]306-jesse away before [he]306-jesse tramples all over [[my]71-my brother brother]71-my brother . And it wo n’t just be a verbal trample . [Dan]464-dan steps forward . ‘[71-my brother] [She]71-my brother ’s [[my]2813-john sister]71-my brother . ’ [Jesse]306-jesse closes the gap between them , [his]306-jesse eyes black . ‘[71-my brother] [She]71-my brother ’s . [My]2813-john . [Wife]82-wife . ’ [[My]82-wife brother]71-my brother laughs a little , not a good thing , judging by [Jesse]306-jesse ’s darkening glare . [I]82-wife need to intervene , but stepping between [these two angry men]2894-these two angry men is not a thought [I]82-wife relish . But then [I]82-wife see [Jesse]306-jesse ’s fists balling , and [I]82-wife know [I]82-wife need to remove [him]306-jesse now . [I]82-wife place [my]82-wife hand on [his]306-jesse arm and [he]306-jesse flinches , too focused on [Dan]464-dan to realise it ’s [me]82-wife . As soon as [he]306-jesse does , though , [he]306-jesse breaks the glowering deadlock and turns [his]306-jesse eyes to [mine]82-wife . [They]2894-these two angry men soften immediately . ‘[82-wife] Let ’s go . ’ [I]82-wife say quietly , sliding [my]82-wife hand down [his]306-jesse arm to grasp [his]306-jesse . [He]306-jesse nods and turns with [me]82-wife , not giving [Dan]464-dan another look . [I]82-wife ’m[82-wife] grateful . [Dan]464-dan ’s obviously not in a good place , and [I]2813-john know how tenacious [he]464-dan can be when [he]464-dan ’s on the defence . [Kate]2774-kate ’s not trying to , but [she]2774-kate ’s screwing with [his]464-dan head again , and [Dan]464-dan ’s trying to bat it away by focusing [his]464-dan attention on [me]2813-john . [We]415-we make [our]415-we way towards [The Manor]226-the manor , leaving [Dan]464-dan behind . ‘ Give [me]306-jesse [your]2813-john hand . ’[306-jesse] [Jesse]306-jesse orders , reaching down . [I]2813-john let [him]464-dan take it and re - cuff [me]2813-john . ‘ Do n’t ask [me]2813-john to remove them again . ’[2813-john] ‘ [I]2813-john wo n’t ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john grumble . [I]2813-john wish [he]464-dan ’d never released [me]2813-john in the first place , then [I]2813-john might not be seething with both [Dan]464-dan ’s obvious issue with [Kate]2774-kate and [his]464-dan inquisitiveness with regards to [Jesse]306-jesse ’s issue . ‘ Throw away the key . ’[464-dan] [His]464-dan eyebrows rise . ‘ Wishing [you]464-dan ’d have stayed nailed to [me]464-dan ? ’[464-dan] ‘ Yes . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john admit . ‘ Do n’t free [me]2813-john again . ’[2813-john] ‘ Okay , ’[464-dan] [he]464-dan agrees . ‘ Would [you]464-dan like a drink ? ’[417-we] [We]417-we continue towards [the house]418-the house , re - cuffed and re - united . ‘ [I]417-we ’d love a drink . ’[417-we] [I]2813-john ’ve hardly touched a drop all day , and [I]2813-john ’m a little surprised that [he]464-dan ’s offered . ‘[2813-john] Come on . ’ [He]464-dan pulls [me]2813-john in and kisses [my]2813-john forehead . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john wo n’t stand for it , [Ava]536-ava . Even if [he]464-dan is [[your]536-ava brother]2768-brother . ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john know . ’ [I]2813-john agree quietly . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] pleasantly surprised by [his]464-dan self - control . It does n’t matter to [Jesse]306-jesse who [he]464-dan eliminates , and [Dan]464-dan has not helped [his]464-dan cause . [He]464-dan ’s just tried to restrain [me]2813-john , the worse thing [he]464-dan could do . [I]2813-john do n’t want [[my]2813-john husband]420-my husband and [brother]2768-brother to battle , but [I]2813-john know [Jesse]306-jesse would never back down when it comes to [me]2813-john , and [Dan]464-dan would never lose face . [The evening guests]421-the evening guests have arrived . As [we]422-we make [our]422-we way through [the bar]2773-the bar , [we]422-we ’re accosted , kissed and wished well with every step [we]422-we take . When [we]422-we finally make it to [the bar]2773-the bar , [I]422-we ’m[422-we] placed on [my]2813-john stool and handed a glass of water . Water ? [I]2813-john look at the clear glass and back to [Jesse]306-jesse , who is doing a damn fine job of ignoring [my]2813-john obvious disbelieve . Water ? [Tessa]2774-kate comes steaming over , looking as wound up as [poor mum]424-poor mum . ‘ Where have [you]2774-kate been ? ’[2774-kate] [she]2774-kate asks incredulously , flicking [her]2774-kate eyes from [me]2813-john to [Jesse]306-jesse and back again . ‘ [You]2774-kate were supposed to cut the cake ! ’[306-jesse] [Jesse]306-jesse opens a bottle of water and takes a long swig , not in the least bit perturbed by [Tessa]2774-kate ’s concern . ‘ It ’s fine . ’[2774-kate] [Tessa]2774-kate shakes [her]2774-kate head in disbelief and stomps off towards [the entrance hall]425-the entrance hall . [She]2774-kate may as well leave . It looks like [her]2774-kate services are no longer required . ‘ Do n’t [you]2774-kate want to cut the cake ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ask , [my]2813-john wrist being lifted as [Jesse]306-jesse secures the lid on [his]306-jesse water bottle . ‘ [Kate]2774-kate went out of [her]2774-kate way to make it on such short notice . ’[306-jesse] [He]306-jesse reaches forward and straightens [my]2813-john diamond . ‘ Then let ’s not ruin it . ’[306-jesse] [he]306-jesse says seriously . ‘ [You]2774-kate ’re[306-jesse] impossible . ’ [I]306-jesse sigh , glancing across [the bar]2773-the bar , spotting [Sam]2844-sam and [Drew]83-drew entertaining [[my]306-jesse dad]2774-kate , who ’s looking a little rosy cheeked . [[My]306-jesse mum]2774-kate is revelling in the attention , undoubtedly offering tours of [the grounds]2897-the grounds , and [Kate]2774-kate is looking drunk . [Tom]84-tom flaps a limp wrist at [me]306-jesse , [Victoria]85-victoria gives a girly wave before looking across the bar towards [Drew]83-drew and smoothing down [her]2774-kate blonde locks , and poor [Sal]60-sarah just looks like [she]2774-kate ’s trying to fit in , although [she]2774-kate ’s still sparkling , but [[her]2774-kate new fellow]60-sarah is n’t here . [I]306-jesse smile and turn [my]306-jesse attention back to [Jesse]306-jesse , just a [Tessa]2774-kate storms back into [the bar]2773-the bar . ‘[306-jesse] Okay . [I]2813-john ’ve spoken to [Elizabeth]215-elizabeth , ’ [Tessa]2774-kate huffs . ‘[426-we] [We]426-we ’re cutting the cake and having the first dance shortly , so do n’t be disappearing on [me]215-elizabeth again . ’[215-elizabeth] [She]215-elizabeth storms off , and [I]2813-john smile . [She]215-elizabeth ’s definitely regretting taking this job . ‘ [You]306-jesse okay , [baby]306-jesse ? ’[215-elizabeth] [His]427-his warm palm slides across [my]2813-john cheek . ‘ Yes , fine . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john answer , but [I]2813-john ’m not . [I]306-jesse ’ve fallen out with [[my]306-jesse brother]71-my brother , and that has absolutely never happened . ‘[306-jesse] [You]306-jesse do n’t look fine . [I]2813-john said [I]2813-john wanted [you]306-jesse to enjoy today . ’ [I]2813-john inwardly laugh . Then [he]71-my brother should let [me]2813-john have a drink and [he]71-my brother should n’t have broached the subject that has [my]2813-john brain the most twisted at the moment . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m fine . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john sigh , taking a long sip of [my]2813-john water . Fucking water . [Patrick]374-patrick and [Irene]79-irene approach , [my]2813-john cuddly bear of [a boss]429-a boss brandishing a huge ivory gift bag , [[his]374-patrick wife]79-irene adorned in a mass of animal print material . [I]2813-john think it might be a dress . It ’s extremely distracting . [I]2813-john quickly direct [my]2813-john eyes to [Jesse]306-jesse . ‘ Here ’s [Patrick]374-patrick . [You]374-patrick said Monday , remember ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john need to get that in quickly . [Jesse]306-jesse looks over [his]306-jesse shoulder . ‘ Yes , [Ava]536-ava . Just till Monday , though . ’[306-jesse] ‘ [Flower]86-flower ! ’[374-patrick] [Patrick]374-patrick thrusts the gift bag at [me]2813-john , kisses [my]2813-john cheek , and then holds [his]374-patrick hand out to [Jesse]306-jesse . ‘ [Mr Ward]306-jesse . ’[374-patrick] [he]374-patrick greets , a frown popping up onto [his]374-patrick wrinkled forehead when [he]374-patrick clocks the cuffs . ‘ Please , it ’s [Jesse]306-jesse . Thank [you]306-jesse for coming . ’[306-jesse] [Jesse]306-jesse takes [Patrick]374-patrick ’s hand . ‘ Yes , [Jesse]306-jesse . ’[306-jesse] [[My]2813-john boss]374-patrick drags [his]374-patrick eyes away from [our]430-our wrists . ‘ This is [Irene]79-irene . ’[374-patrick] [He]374-patrick signals to [[his]374-patrick wife]79-irene as [she]79-irene wobbles over with the biggest grin on [her]79-irene face . [I]2813-john smile to [myself]2813-john . [She]79-irene ’s affected . ‘ Nice to meet [you]79-irene . ’[79-irene] [she]79-irene practically giggles . ‘ And [you]79-irene . ’[306-jesse] [Jesse]306-jesse hits [her]79-irene with [his]306-jesse smile , reserved only for [women]253-women , and [she]79-irene disintegrates on the spot . [He]374-patrick ’s unbelievable . ‘ Please , [the bar staff]2900-the bar staff will see to [you]79-irene . ’[374-patrick] ‘ Thank [you]79-irene ! ’[79-irene] [she]79-irene gushes . ‘ [This hotel]2901-this hotel is just wonderful ! ’[79-irene] ‘ Hello , [Irene]79-irene . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john say on a smile . [She]79-irene drags [her]79-irene greedy eyes away from [[my]2813-john husband]420-my husband and brings them onto [me]2813-john . [She]79-irene ’s [a frightening woman]79-irene , but not at the moment . [She]79-irene ’s too busy straightening [her]79-irene back and pulling in [her]79-irene stomach . ‘ How are [you]2813-john ? ’[79-irene] ‘ Delightful ! ’[79-irene] [she]79-irene sings in [my]2813-john face . ‘ [Ava]536-ava , [you]2813-john look stunning . ’[79-irene] ‘ Thank [you]2813-john . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john blurt , completely surprised . [She]79-irene has never paid [me]2813-john a compliment , not ever , and [I]2813-john did n’t expect [her]79-irene to now . [She]79-irene mostly just rabbits on about [her]79-irene social life and gossips about [[her]79-irene fellow ladies of leisure]434-her fellow ladies of leisure . [Patrick]374-patrick grasps [[his]374-patrick wife]79-irene ’s elbow and guides [her]79-irene away . ‘ [We]434-her fellow ladies of leisure ’ll get a drink . ’[374-patrick] [He]374-patrick rolls [his]374-patrick eyes , and [I]2813-john smile fondly at [[my]2813-john boss]374-patrick . [I]2813-john know [he]374-patrick finds [[his]374-patrick wife]79-irene exasperating . ‘ [Interesting woman]79-irene . ’[374-patrick] [Jesse]306-jesse muses , looking a little alarmed at [her]79-irene leopard print body , wobbling away from [us]437-us . [I]2813-john laugh . ‘ [She]79-irene makes [Patrick]374-patrick ’s life miserable . ’[2813-john] ‘ [I]2813-john can imagine . ’[2813-john] ‘ Here ’s [John]2813-john . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john say , glancing past [Jesse]306-jesse . [The big guy]438-the big guy is strolling over , wraparounds in place , and with [his]438-the big guy usual menacing expression plastered all over [his]438-the big guy face . [His]438-the big guy stare is pointed at the cuffs before [he]438-the big guy gives [me]2813-john the nod . [I]2813-john nod back . ‘ A word , [Jesse]306-jesse . ’[438-the big guy] [he]438-the big guy rumbles . [He]438-the big guy ’s too serious . [I]2813-john do n’t like it , and [Jesse]306-jesse ’s quick flick of [his]438-the big guy eyes to [me]2813-john does n’t make [me]2813-john feel any better . [Jesse]306-jesse reaches into [his]306-jesse pocket and pulls out the key to the handcuffs , and [I]2813-john watch as [he]306-jesse brings it to [my]2813-john wrist . ‘ What are [you]2813-john doing ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ask , yanking [my]2813-john arm away . ‘ [John]2813-john wants a quick word . ’[438-the big guy] [His]438-the big guy teeth are clenched . ‘ Oh no , ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john laugh . ‘ [You]2813-john do n’t get to release [me]2813-john when it suits [you]2813-john . No way , [Ward]306-jesse . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john look at [John]2813-john , who ’s still expressionless . ‘ [Ava]536-ava , [I]306-jesse ’ll be back shortly . ’[306-jesse] [He]306-jesse pulls [my]2813-john wrist back to [him]306-jesse . ‘ No ! Where are [you]2813-john going ? ’[306-jesse] [I]2813-john look at [John]2813-john . ‘ Where is [he]306-jesse going ? ’[2813-john] ‘ [S’all]87-ruth good , [girl]87-ruth . ’[2813-john] ‘ No . It ’s not all fucking good ! ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john yell a bit too loudly , earning [myself]2813-john a frightening scowl from [Jesse]306-jesse . [I]2813-john do n’t care . [He]306-jesse does n’t get to do this . [He]306-jesse does n’t get to brush [me]2813-john off when it suits [him]306-jesse . It ’s [my]2813-john wedding day . ‘ Watch [your]2813-john mouth ! ’[306-jesse] [he]306-jesse grates , leaning into [me]2813-john . ‘ [I]306-jesse ’ll be a few minutes . [You]2813-john ’ll stay fucking put , [Ava]536-ava . ’[306-jesse] [I]2813-john recoil at [his]306-jesse animosity , completely stunned as [he]306-jesse makes quick work of the handcuffs before striding out with [John]2813-john . [I]2813-john ’m perched on a barstool , the bride in a stunning gown , adorned with diamonds , all of [[our]2902-our guests]357-our guests laughing , chatting and drinking , and [I]2813-john want to go [home]2904-home . [I]2813-john feel tearful , slighted and very , very hurt . [I]2813-john lower [myself]2813-john from the stool , deciding to make the most of [my]2813-john freedom and have a wee . [I]2813-john might have a little cry , too . [I]2813-john need to get away from [these people]2905-these people before the tears start flowing freely . What is wrong with [me]2813-john ? ‘[2813-john] Where are [you]56-darling going , [darling]56-darling ? ’ [Mum]246-mum asks as [she]246-mum makes [her]246-mum way over . [I]56-darling spread a fake smile on [my]56-darling face . [She]246-mum ’s had too much Most Marvellous . [Her]246-mum hair is n’t perfect and [she]246-mum does n’t seem to care , a clear indication that [she]246-mum ’s feeling a bit squiffy . ‘[56-darling] Toilet . [I]2813-john wo n’t be long . ’ ‘[2813-john] Do [you]56-darling want some help ? [I]2813-john ’m not sure where [Kate]2774-kate ’s gone . ’[56-darling] [She]56-darling looks around [the bar]2773-the bar . ‘ No , [I]56-darling ’ve got it . ’[56-darling] [I]2813-john leave [[my]2813-john mum]2774-kate and head for [the toilets]442-the toilets , sadly looking forward to some privacy . [I]2813-john push [my]2813-john way through the door and place [myself]2813-john in front of the mirror to look at [my]2813-john sorry face . [I]2813-john ’m not [a blushing bride]2906-a blushing bride anymore . There is no twinkle in [my]2813-john eye or happy smile on [my]2813-john face . [I]2813-john sigh heavily and pinch [my]2813-john cheeks in an attempt to get some colour back into them . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] looking a little washed out . ‘ Ohhh myyy Goddd ! ’[2813-john] [My]2813-john head flies up and [my]2813-john body swings around to face the source of the long moan . [I]2813-john still [myself]2813-john , holding [my]2813-john breath as [I]2813-john hear shuffling and shifting from one of the cubicles . [Someone]443-someone is having sex in [the toilet]444-the toilet ? No ! [I]2813-john quickly gather [my]2813-john dress up to leave . This could be embarrassing . [I]2813-john take [my]2813-john first urgent step , but then freeze when the door swings open and [Kate]2774-kate stumbles out . [I]2813-john gasp , [my]2813-john dress dropping from [my]2813-john hands . ‘ What are [you]2907-you doing ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john blurt in disbelief . [I]2813-john know [Sam]2844-sam was slightly miffed that all things kink have been removed and stored temporarily , but [they]445-they could have waited . [She]2774-kate stiffens from head to toe , [her]2774-kate red hair a wild mane of curls , half covering [her]2774-kate shocked face . ‘ Oh shit ! ’[2774-kate] [she]2774-kate says quietly , re - arranging [her]2774-kate dress . ‘ Could n’t [you]2907-you have waited ? ’[2774-kate] [I]2813-john ask , horrified but a little relived that [I]2813-john have n’t just caught one of [[our]446-our other guests]447-our other guests in the act . ‘ [Ava]536-ava … ’[2774-kate] [she]2774-kate begins , and then [a man]448-a man strolls out behind . And it ’s not [Sam]2844-sam . [My]2813-john mouth falls open . ‘ [Dan]464-dan ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john do n’t believe this . ‘ What the hell are [you]464-dan doing ? ’[448-a man] [He]448-a man shrugs , refusing to look at [me]2813-john , keeping all of [his]448-a man attention on refastening [his]448-a man trousers . [My]2813-john eyes are batting between [them]447-our other guests , waiting for some explanation , but [I]2813-john get nothing from [either of [them]447-our other guests]449-either of them . [They]447-our other guests ’re just standing there , both looking anywhere , except at [me]2813-john . [I]2813-john throw furious eyes at [Dan]464-dan . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john told [you]450-you to leave it ! ’ [I]450-you shout , before turning [my]450-you fury on [Kate]2774-kate . ‘[450-you] And [you]450-you ’re pissed ! What ’s the matter with [you]450-you two ? Have n’t [you]450-you learnt ? ’[450-you] ‘ None of [your]450-you business , [Ava]536-ava . ’[464-dan] [Dan]464-dan says flatly , and then strides out of [the ladies]451-the ladies , leaving [me]2813-john and [[my]2813-john delinquent friend]452-my delinquent friend alone . ‘ [Kate]2774-kate ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john push , but [she]452-my delinquent friend ’s still refusing to meet [my]2813-john eyes . [She]452-my delinquent friend knows that [she]452-my delinquent friend ’s just made a massive mistake . ‘ What about [Sam]2844-sam ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ask . [The poor bloke]453-the poor bloke is out there , completely oblivious . ‘ [I]453-the poor bloke ca n’t believe this . ’[453-the poor bloke] The heel of [my]2813-john hand meets [my]2813-john forehead , [my]2813-john brain aching with information overload . [She]452-my delinquent friend hiccups and giggles a little before reaching for the sink to steady [her]452-my delinquent friend swaying body . ‘ Fun . ’[452-my delinquent friend] [she]452-my delinquent friend says haughtily . ‘ And it ’s got nothing to do with [you]453-the poor bloke . ’[452-my delinquent friend] ‘ Oh , okay , ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john exclaim , lifting [my]2813-john dress . ‘ [I]2813-john ’ll leave [you]453-the poor bloke to have [your]453-the poor bloke fun in that case . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john turn and leave [the toilets]442-the toilets , heading straight to [[Jesse]306-jesse ’s office]455-jesse ’s office . [The summer room]244-the summer room has been cleared of tables , but is now full of [people]2834-people , the band enticing [everyone]2825-everyone to [the dance floor]459-the dance floor with some classic motown . [I]2813-john skirt through [[our]460-our guests]357-our guests , smiling , trying [my]2813-john hardest to look like [the elated bride]462-the elated bride and cutting any lengthy conversation very short . [I]2813-john ’ve fallen out with [[my]2813-john brother]71-my brother , and now [Kate]2774-kate , too . [I]2813-john want to escape with [Jesse]306-jesse and be alone when [we]460-our ’re at [our]460-our happiest — when [the world]2908-the world and its problems are not interfering with [our]460-our little bubble of contentment , where [we]460-our only have [our]460-our own issues to contend with . [I]2813-john steam down [the corridor]2909-the corridor and straight into [[his]306-jesse office]2910-his office , [my]2813-john heart falling straight into [my]2813-john Louboutins as soon as [I]2813-john lay [my]2813-john eyes on [the occupants]2911-the occupants . There are [just two people]2912-just two people . [Jesse]306-jesse … and [Coral]1009-coral . Chapter 4 [My]2813-john day just got a whole lot worse . [They]2912-just two people ’re[2813-john] seated at opposite ends of a couch , and both heads fly towards [me]2813-john , while [I]2813-john just stand there feeling a little lost . All of [my]2813-john anger , all of [my]2813-john frustrations of the day have just transformed into pain . [I]2813-john can feel [my]2813-john eyes welling up with tears and [my]2813-john heart thundering in [my]2813-john chest . [I]2813-john feel completely crushed . Not knowing what else to do , but knowing for certain that [I]2813-john do n’t want [this woman]464-dan to see [me]2813-john break down , [I]2813-john slowly step back , closing the door quietly behind [me]2813-john . [I]2813-john walk numbly down [the corridor]2909-the corridor in a haze of misery , but instead of making [my]2813-john way back to [the crowd]2820-the crowd , [I]2813-john escape the happy chatter and dancing bodies and turn down the gravel pathway towards [the woodlands]407-the woodlands . [I]2813-john sit [my]2813-john defeated arse on an old log and start picking at the dried bark , crumbling it to grains between [my]2813-john fingers , while the dark , cool evening air spikes at [my]2813-john exposed skin . [They]468-they were just talking , but [he]469-he knows how [I]2813-john feel about [her]464-dan — how [I]2813-john feel about [any other woman who [Jesse]306-jesse ’s had]470-any other woman who jesse ’s had — yet [he]469-he still sacrificed time with [me]2813-john on [our]471-our special day to see [her]464-dan . [I]2813-john want to scream at [him]469-he , bash [my]2813-john fists on [his]469-he chest and yell in [his]469-he face , but [I]2813-john do n’t have the energy . All of the fight has been sucked out of [me]2813-john . [My]2813-john spirit has been stripped down by drama , [mine]2813-john and [others]472-others , and it ’s left [me]2813-john feeling exposed and vulnerable . And doubtful , too . Right now , on [my]2813-john wedding day of all days , [I]2813-john ’m doubtful [I]2813-john can maintain the strength [I]2813-john clearly need to spend [my]2813-john life with [Jesse]306-jesse — spend [my]2813-john life fighting off [women]253-women and problems … issues . The tears [I]2813-john ’ve been holding back jump straight from [my]2813-john eyes onto [my]2813-john lace . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] powerless . [I]2813-john ca n’t make [these women]473-these women go away , [I]2813-john ca n’t strip [Jesse]306-jesse ’s past from [him]306-jesse , and [I]2813-john ca n’t control [other people]474-other people and what [they]474-other people do . The one thing [I]2813-john could dois take [my]2813-john pills so that [I]2813-john do n’t get pregnant . If [I]2813-john could stop losing [them]474-other people , that is . [I]2813-john drop [my]2813-john head in [my]2813-john hands and sob quietly to [myself]2813-john . [I]2813-john ’ve not even got the energy to cry properly . Through [my]2813-john low , pathetic weeping , [I]2813-john hear [him]306-jesse approaching behind [me]2813-john . [I]2813-john can smell [his]306-jesse fresh water and minty scent . And through [my]2813-john total numbness , [I]2813-john can still feel [his]306-jesse presence . Every part of [my]2813-john being senses [him]306-jesse , but [my]2813-john eyes do n’t want to look at [him]306-jesse . [I]2813-john brush [my]2813-john tears away and sniff a little . ‘ [I]2813-john know [you]475-you ’re[2813-john] there . ’ [I]2813-john say quietly , keeping [my]2813-john eyes pointing downwards . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john know [you]475-you do . ’ [His]306-jesse evenly spaced steps crunch over the ground , getting louder as [he]306-jesse nears , and in [my]2813-john peripheral vision , [I]2813-john see [him]306-jesse lower [himself]306-jesse next to [me]2813-john . But [he]306-jesse does n’t touch [me]2813-john . [His]306-jesse hands are clasped in front of [him]306-jesse , [his]306-jesse thumbs circling each other slowly . [I]2813-john can hear the tail end of [his]306-jesse heavy breathing subsiding . [He]306-jesse ’s been running around [the grounds]2897-the grounds like [a madman]2915-a madman trying to find [me]2813-john , and now [he]306-jesse ’s just sitting next to [me]2813-john , all silent when [he]306-jesse should be explaining [himself]306-jesse , explaining why [he]306-jesse abandoned [me]2813-john on [our]476-our wedding day so [he]306-jesse could see [a woman who ’s in love with [him]477-his]2916-a woman who ’s in love with him — [another woman who ’s in love with [him]477-his]2916-a woman who ’s in love with him . [I]2813-john laugh to [myself]2813-john . ‘[2813-john] Is n’t it funny how [we]476-our ’re so in touch with each other , yet [you]2917-you sit here now and do n’t know what to say to [me]2813-john ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john see [him]477-his shift next to [me]2813-john , and then [his]477-his hand drifts across the space between [us]476-our and rests on [my]2813-john thigh , [his]477-his heated touch doing things that [I]2813-john really do n’t want it to do . [I]2813-john look down at [his]477-his spread fingers , [his]477-his flat , platinum and diamond wedding band that matches [my]2813-john own , sparkling as [he]477-his flexes [his]477-his hand and squeezes [my]2813-john thigh . ‘ So [he]477-his touches [me]2813-john . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john say quietly . ‘ [He]477-his loves [you]2813-john . ’[477-his] [he]477-his whispers . ‘ [He]477-his wishes [he]477-his could eliminate the past that ’s hurting [you]2813-john . ’[477-his] [I]2813-john turn [my]2813-john face to [his]477-his and see green puddles of regret . ‘ Then why did [you]2813-john see [her]477-his ? On [our]2918-our wedding day , when [you]2813-john vowed to have [me]2813-john by [your]2813-john side all day , why did [you]2813-john desert [me]2813-john to see [her]477-his ? ’[2813-john] ‘ [I]2813-john could n’t leave [her]477-his at the gates with [guests]252-guests arriving , [Ava]536-ava . ’[2813-john] ‘ So tell [her]477-his to go away . ’[2813-john] ‘ And cause a scene ? ’[2813-john] ‘ What did [she]478-she want ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ask . [She]478-she was here for a reason . ‘ Did [she]478-she know [we]2920-we were getting married today ? ’[477-his] [His]477-his frown line crawls across [his]477-his brow and sets firmly in place , [his]477-his lip disappearing between [his]477-his teeth . ‘ Yes , [she]478-she knew . ’[477-his] So [he]477-his ’s spoken to [her]478-she ? ‘ And [she]478-she still came ? Was [she]478-she hoping to stop it ? Was [she]478-she going to barge through [the summer room]244-the summer room doors and declare that [we]2920-we should n’t be joined in holy matrimony ? ’[477-his] This is laughable . ‘ [I]477-his do n’t know , [Ava]536-ava . ’[477-his] [He]477-his looks away . ‘ When did [you]477-his speak to [her]478-she ? ’[477-his] [He]477-his sighs . ‘ [She]478-she ’s been calling and turning up at [The Manor]226-the manor . [I]477-his ’ve told [her]478-she repeatedly [I]477-his ’m[477-his] not helping [her]478-she . [I]2813-john ’ve told [her]478-she there are no feelings . [I]2813-john ’m not sure what else [I]2813-john can do , [Ava]536-ava . ’[2813-john] ‘ What ’s [your]477-his definition of an affair ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ask . [His]477-his eyes swiftly return to [mine]2813-john , all confused by [my]2813-john question . ‘ What do [you]477-his mean ? ’[477-his] ‘ [I]2813-john mean , [she]478-she ’s in love with [you]477-his , and [you]477-his ’ve said it was only sex . It was obviously more to [her]478-she . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john assess [him]477-his , trying to gage [his]477-his reaction . ‘ [Baby]88-baby , [I]2813-john ’ve told [you]477-his before , just sex . [They]479-they always wanted more , but [I]2813-john never gave [them]479-they any reason to expect it . Never . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john wince at the referral to [they]479-they . [He]477-his means many — [many women who want [him]477-his]480-many women who want him , [many women who ’ve had [him]477-his]481-many women who ’ve had him , [many women who have fallen in love with [him]477-his]482-many women who have fallen in love with him . [I]2813-john want to tell [him]477-his what [Coral]1009-coral said about [him]477-his making [her]1009-coral need [him]477-his , but then [he]477-his ’ll know that [I]2813-john intercepted [her]1009-coral call . And after having [him]477-his , who would n’t want [him]477-his again , maybe even think [they]479-they need [him]477-his . [I]2813-john know that [I]2813-john did , but now [my]2813-john need is a lot deeper than [his]477-his physical touch . Now [I]2813-john need [him]477-his to breath . ‘ [I]2813-john do n’t want [you]477-his to see [her]1009-coral again . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john insist . [He]477-his returns [his]477-his eyes to [mine]2813-john . ‘ [I]477-his wo n’t . [I]477-his ’ve no need to . ’[477-his] [I]2813-john take a deep breath and return to scanning the ground . ‘ [I]2813-john ’ve had enough of [my]2813-john wedding . [I]2813-john ’d like to leave . ’[2813-john] ‘ [Ava]536-ava , look at [me]477-his . ’[477-his] [he]477-his orders gently . ‘ [Jesse]306-jesse , do n’t start making demands when [I]477-his ’m[477-his] feeling like this . ’ ‘[477-his] Perhaps [you]306-jesse did n’t hear [me]2813-john right . [I]2813-john said , look at [me]2813-john . ’ [He]477-his ’s not asking gently now , but [my]2813-john despondency prevents [me]2813-john from defying [him]477-his . ‘[2813-john] What ? ’ [I]2813-john ask , following through on [his]477-his unreasonable order . [He]477-his falls to [his]477-his knees in front of [me]2813-john and takes [my]2813-john hands . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’ve fucked up . [I]2813-john ’m so sorry , but [I]2813-john was trying to keep [her]2923-her away from [you]306-jesse . [I]2813-john panicked and thought [I]2813-john could talk some sense into [her]2923-her . [I]2813-john did n’t want [her]2923-her kicking up a stink on [your]306-jesse special day . ’[2813-john] ‘ It ’s [your]306-jesse special day , too . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john remind [him]2813-john quietly . ‘ [You]306-jesse should ’ve just told [me]2813-john . ’[2813-john] ‘ [I]2813-john know . ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john leans up and wraps [me]2813-john in [his]2813-john arms . ‘ Let [me]2813-john make it up to [you]306-jesse . What do [you]306-jesse want [me]2813-john do , [baby]306-jesse ? Name it . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john relax into [him]2813-john . ‘ Just take [me]2813-john to bed . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john demand quietly . ‘ Deal . ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john stands [me]2813-john up and reinforces [his]2813-john apology with a deep , meaningful kiss . ‘ [We]485-we ’ll make [friends]390-friends properly later . ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john scoops [me]2813-john up and starts back towards [The Manor]226-the manor . [We]485-we enter [the summer room]244-the summer room via the huge French doors , and [we]485-we ’re immediately attacked by [[my]485-we mother]2774-kate ’s infuriated glare . ‘[485-we] There [you]487-you are ! ’ [She]2774-kate scuttles towards [us]485-we , still tipsy , but obviously annoyed . ‘[487-you] [You]487-you ’ve not cut the cake and [you]487-you need to have [your]487-you first dance . Tell [me]2813-john , are [we]485-we having a wedding ? ’ [I]2813-john want to do none of those things . [Evening guests]2799-here are [here]2799-here , and [we]485-we should socialise , but [I]2813-john just ca n’t be bothered . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m taking [Ava]536-ava [upstairs]2927-upstairs . [She]306-jesse ’s tired . ’[488-he] [He]488-he does n’t stop for [[my]2813-john mum]306-jesse , and [he]488-he does n’t put [me]2813-john down . [I]2813-john ’m being carried through [the summer room]244-the summer room , through [all of [[our]485-we guests]357-our guests]357-our guests , and [he]488-he is n’t stopping for [anyone]2929-anyone . ‘[2813-john] But it ’s only ten o’clock ! ’ [She]306-jesse ’s horrified , as [I]2813-john expected . ‘[2813-john] What about [[your]2813-john guests]357-our guests ? ’ ‘[2813-john] There ’s [a bar]491-a bar , a band , and plenty to eat , [Elizabeth]215-elizabeth . [I]2813-john ’m sure [they]357-our guests ’ll survive . ’[488-he] [His]488-he tolerance of [[my]2813-john mum]306-jesse is lessening by the hour . ‘ [Ava]536-ava , please . Talk some sense into [him]488-he . ’[306-jesse] [She]306-jesse ’s pleading now , and [I]2813-john suddenly feel bad for [her]306-jesse . This is a special day for [her]306-jesse , too , and [[my]2813-john Lord]2765-my lord has trampled all over it . [I]2813-john clamp [my]2813-john palms around [his]2765-my lord cheeks as [he]2765-my lord continues with [his]2765-my lord long strides , and [mum]306-jesse continues to flank [us]493-us . [I]2813-john pull [his]2765-my lord face to [mine]2813-john . ‘ A little longer . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john say quietly , and [he]2765-my lord halts in [his]2765-my lord tracks . ‘ [We]493-us can give [her]306-jesse longer . ’[2765-my lord] ‘ [You]306-jesse ’re[2765-my lord] tired . ’ [He]2765-my lord ’s frowning a little . Yes , [I]2765-my lord am tired , but not physically . [I]2765-my lord ’m[2765-my lord] mentally exhausted . ‘ Let [me]2765-my lord take [you]306-jesse to bed , [baby]306-jesse . ’[2765-my lord] ‘ Dance with [me]2813-john . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john run [my]2813-john nose up [his]2765-my lord cheek and take a full - on hit of fresh water loveliness . ‘ Let ’s dance . ’[2765-my lord] [I]2813-john feel [him]2765-my lord turning , while pushing [his]2765-my lord cheek into [my]2813-john nuzzle . [I]2813-john knew that would get [him]2765-my lord . ‘ Thank God ! ’[246-mum] [Mum]246-mum cries , following keenly behind . [I]2813-john ’m placed on [my]2813-john feet in the middle of the dance floor before [he]2765-my lord makes [his]2765-my lord way over to [the band]2930-the band and speaks into [the lead singer]2931-the lead singer ’s ear . [He]2765-my lord nods and smiles , then [everyone]2825-everyone clears the floor and it ’s just [me]2813-john , feeling conspicuous and exposed . And then [the singer]2931-the lead singer removes [himself]2931-the lead singer from the stage , along with [all of [the other band members]2934-the other band members]2933-all of the other band members , and [Snow Patrol]89-snow patrol breaks the silence with [Chasing Cars]2935-chasing cars . [He]2765-my lord turns to face [me]2813-john and just stands there , watching [me]2813-john for the longest time . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] tearing up , and [I]2813-john know that if [I]2813-john look at [[my]2813-john mother]2774-kate [she]2774-kate ’ll be blubbering , so [I]2813-john do n’t . [I]2813-john keep [my]2813-john eyes on [[my]2813-john husband]420-my husband and watch as [he]420-my husband slowly walks towards [me]2813-john and takes [me]2813-john in [his]420-my husband hold , pulling [me]2813-john close to [his]420-my husband chest . [My]2813-john cheek rests on [his]420-my husband shoulder , and [he]420-my husband starts swaying [us]496-us , holding [me]2813-john firmly in [his]420-my husband big , strong arms . [My]2813-john hands slide around [his]420-my husband back and [my]2813-john eyes close , [my]2813-john body naturally following [his]420-my husband slow , soft movements . ‘ [I]306-jesse ’m[306-jesse] sorry , [baby]306-jesse . ’ [he]420-my husband says quietly into [my]2813-john hair . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m sorry [I]2813-john left [you]306-jesse earlier . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john sigh . [I]2813-john know [he]420-my husband ’s sorry , but [I]2813-john just wish [he]420-my husband would think before [he]420-my husband does these things . [I]2813-john squeeze [him]420-my husband a little , a silent indication of [my]2813-john forgiveness . ‘ Let ’s leave it there . ’[420-my husband] [He]420-my husband exhales and pushes [his]420-my husband lips to the back of [my]2813-john head . ‘ The harder [I]420-my husband try not to hurt [you]306-jesse , the more [I]420-my husband do . [I]420-my husband ’m[420-my husband] hopeless . ’ ‘[420-my husband] Be quiet . ’ ‘[2813-john] Okay , but [I]2813-john ’m still sorry . ’[420-my husband] [He]420-my husband holds [me]2813-john firmer still . ‘ [I]420-my husband ca n’t wait to crawl into bed with [you]306-jesse . ’[420-my husband] ‘ [Me]2813-john either . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john agree . Once again , [everyone]2825-everyone is in [our]499-we way . ‘ Tomorrow , [we]499-we stay in bed all day . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john affirm . ‘ [We]499-we need to go [home]2904-home first . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john sag a little in disappointment at [his]420-my husband reminder . [We]499-we ’re staying [here]2799-here tonight . All of [the rooms]2937-the rooms have been prepared for [guests]357-our guests , mainly for [[my]499-we family]234-my family . ‘[499-we] [We]499-we go [home]2904-home first thing in the morning , then . ’ [I]499-we demand quietly . [I]499-we know it ’s rude , leaving [[our]499-we guests]357-our guests , but [I]499-we do n’t want to face [Kate]2774-kate , and [I]499-we definitely do n’t want to face [Dan]464-dan . ‘[499-we] [We]499-we do , ’ [he]464-dan agrees , ‘[499-we] after [we]499-we ’ve soaked in the bath and had breakfast with [[your]501-your parents]502-your parents . ’ [I]2813-john let [him]464-dan gently rock [me]2813-john , [my]2813-john eyes closing again and [my]2813-john mind relaxing a little , letting [Jesse]306-jesse draw all of [my]2813-john stress away . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john wish [you]501-your ’d have taken [me]2813-john away . Somewhere quiet , just [us]499-we . ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john wish [I]2813-john had , too . But [I]2813-john bet [[your]501-your mother]60-sarah would ’ve had something to say about it . ’ [I]72-mrs ward smile to [myself]72-mrs ward . Yes , [she]60-sarah would have had a lot to say about it . Opening [my]72-mrs ward eyes , [I]72-mrs ward see [her]60-sarah pulling [[my]72-mrs ward reluctant dad]2940-my reluctant dad to the floor , and then [Kate]2774-kate and [Sam]2844-sam follow with [Victoria]85-victoria and [Tom]84-tom . [I]72-mrs ward let [my]72-mrs ward eyes close again and melt into [Jesse]306-jesse and [his]306-jesse movements . ‘[72-mrs ward] [Mrs Ward]72-mrs ward , are [you]72-mrs ward falling asleep on [me]2813-john ? ’ [he]2813-john asks quietly . ‘[72-mrs ward] Hmmm . ’ [I]72-mrs ward ’m[72-mrs ward] far too content , held tight in [his]2813-john arms , all of [the other couples around [us]505-us]504-the other couples around us invisible as [I]2813-john remain in the dark , just feeling [him]2813-john , smelling [him]2813-john . ‘ [I]2813-john love [you]2813-john . ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john pushes [his]2813-john nose into [my]2813-john hair and inhales deeply . ‘ [I]2813-john love [you]2813-john so fucking much . ’[2813-john] ‘ [I]2813-john know . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john whisper , turning [my]2813-john head into [him]2813-john and capturing [his]2813-john lips . [He]2813-john hums happily , pulling [me]2813-john up from the floor so [I]2813-john ’m locked tightly against [his]2813-john chest , [our]2941-our tongues gliding softly between [our]2941-our mouths . ‘[306-jesse] [Mr Ward]306-jesse , [you]306-jesse ’re drawing attention . ’[306-jesse] ‘ Fuck [them]506-them . Wherever , whenever , [baby]306-jesse . [You]306-jesse know that . ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john pulls away . ‘ Let [me]2813-john see those eyes . [I]2813-john show [him]2813-john what [he]2813-john wants to see . ‘[2813-john] Why do [you]306-jesse always demand to see [them]506-them ? ’ [I]2813-john ask . [He]2813-john only smiles mildly , but [his]2813-john greens still twinkle madly . ‘[2813-john] Because when [I]2813-john look into [them]506-them , [I]2813-john know for sure that [you]306-jesse ’re real . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john match [his]2813-john faint smile . ‘ [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] real . ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m so glad . [I]2813-john did n’t tell [you]306-jesse how beautiful [you]306-jesse look . ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john pecks [my]2813-john lips and keeps swaying [us]507-us gently . ‘ [I]2813-john thought it , but [[my]2813-john beautiful girl]0-my beautiful girl renders [me]2813-john stupid every time [I]2813-john lay [my]2813-john eyes on [her]0-my beautiful girl . It ’s like [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] looking at [her]0-my beautiful girl for the first time all over again . ’ [He]2813-john searches [my]509-you eyes and sighs . ‘[509-you] [You]509-you keep [my]2813-john heart beating , [baby]306-jesse . And it will only ever beat for [you]509-you . Understand ? ’ [I]2813-john nod mildly . [I]2813-john really do understand . ‘[2813-john] Just for [me]2813-john . ’ [I]2813-john move [my]2813-john hands to the back of [his]2813-john head and relish the feel of [his]2813-john dark blonde hair between [my]2813-john fingers . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john need [you]509-you to take [me]2813-john to bed . ’ The corners of [his]2813-john lips tip a little . ‘[2813-john] Will [[my]2813-john delightful mother]511-my delightful mother - in - law allow that ? ’ [I]2813-john shrug . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john do n’t care . [I]2813-john just want [you]509-you to [myself]2813-john . Take [me]2813-john to bed . ’ ‘[2813-john] Deal . ’ [He]2813-john drops [me]2813-john to [my]2813-john feet and swoops down to kiss [me]2813-john chastely . ‘[2813-john] [You]509-you do n’t have to ask [me]2813-john twice , [Mrs Ward]72-mrs ward . ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john just did . ’ [He]2813-john frowns . ‘[2813-john] That ’s [your]509-you fucking mothers fault . ’ [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] turned in [his]2813-john arms and led from the floor , sidestepping all of [the couples in tight clinches]512-the couples in tight clinches . ‘ Oh , look at [Clive]90-clive and [Cathy]1284-cathy ! ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john say , spying [[our]513-our concierge]514-our concierge and [[Jesse]306-jesse ’s housekeeper]515-jesse ’s housekeeper stuck together as [Clive]90-clive shuffles [her]515-jesse ’s housekeeper from side to side . [They]516-they look so sweet . [I]2813-john hear [Jesse]306-jesse laugh a little as [I]2813-john spy [Kate]2774-kate being held up by [Sam]2844-sam . And then [I]2813-john spot [[my]2813-john brother]71-my brother in the distance , [his]71-my brother attention and scowl pointed directly at [[my]2813-john best friend]518-my best friend and [[her]518-my best friend cheeky boyfriend]518-my best friend . [My]2813-john attention is pulled from [[my]2813-john brother]71-my brother when [Jesse]306-jesse gives [me]2813-john a little tug . [I]2813-john look up at [him]71-my brother and see [he]71-my brother has noticed who [I]2813-john ’m focused on . ‘[2813-john] It does n’t look like history to [me]2813-john . ’ [He]71-my brother raises [his]71-my brother eyebrows . [He]71-my brother ’s right . It does n’t , but [I]92-justin do n’t confirm it . [He]71-my brother ’s just lowering to pick [me]92-justin up when [Snow Patrol]89-snow patrol fades out and is replaced with something else — something much louder and upbeat . [I]92-justin can feel [my]92-justin face breaking out in a smile as [I]92-justin watch [Jesse]306-jesse freeze mid bend , and then [the male]2943-the male ’s voice kicks in . ‘[92-justin] Hello , [Justin]92-justin . ’ [I]72-mrs ward say quietly , watching [him]92-justin straighten up . [He]92-justin steps back thoughtfully and grabs the lapels of [his]92-justin suit jacket , giving [them]2943-the male a little tug before brushing them off and hitting [me]72-mrs ward with wide , excited eyes . ‘[72-mrs ward] Oh , [Mrs Ward]72-mrs ward . ’ [He]92-justin shakes [his]92-justin head mildly . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m about tear that floor up . ’[92-justin] [He]92-justin grabs [my]2813-john hand and pulls [me]2813-john urgently back to [the dance floor]459-the dance floor , weaving [us]520-us through the crowds of [drunken dancers]521-drunken dancers until [we]520-us ’re right in the middle of [them]521-drunken dancers . [I]522-a complete idiot ’m[522-a complete idiot] grinning like [a complete idiot]522-a complete idiot as [I]2813-john watch [him]92-justin shrug [his]92-justin jacket off and dust [his]92-justin hands down before [I]2813-john ’m seized and reminded of [[my]2813-john God]2944-my god ’s moves . [He]92-justin does , indeed , tear the floor up . Chapter 5 A whole hour later after [Jesse]306-jesse has won [[my]2813-john mum]2774-kate over and graced [everyone]2825-everyone with [his]306-jesse dance floor presence , [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] finally on [my]2813-john way [upstairs]2927-upstairs in [Jesse]306-jesse ’s arms . [My]2813-john heels have been kicked off and [Jesse]306-jesse is holding [them]524-them as [he]306-jesse takes [the staircase]525-the staircase . [My]2813-john heavy head feels like lead against [his]306-jesse shoulder and [my]2813-john eyes wo n’t stay open . [I]2813-john hear [my]2813-john heels tumble to the floor and a few moments later , [I]2813-john ’m placed on [my]2813-john feet . [My]2813-john forehead falls straight to [his]306-jesse chest . ‘[2813-john] [We]526-we need to consummate [our]526-we vows . ’ [I]88-baby mumble into [his]306-jesse chest , rolling [my]88-baby head and drawing [his]306-jesse scent into [me]88-baby . It ’s the most soothing smell in [the world]2908-the world . [He]306-jesse laughs lightly . ‘[88-baby] [Baby]88-baby , [you]88-baby ’re too tired . [We]526-we ’ll consummate in the morning . ’[306-jesse] [He]306-jesse clasps the back of [my]2813-john neck and pulls [me]2813-john out of [his]306-jesse chest so [he]306-jesse can look at [me]2813-john . [I]2813-john try [my]2813-john hardest to open [my]2813-john eyes fully , but it ’s just too much like hard work . ‘ [I]2813-john know . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john try to push [my]2813-john forehead back , but [he]306-jesse holds [me]2813-john firmly in place , scanning [my]2813-john face — every square inch of it . ‘ What ? ’[306-jesse] [I]2813-john ask quietly . ‘ Tell [me]306-jesse [you]2813-john love [me]306-jesse . ’[306-jesse] [he]306-jesse demands . [I]2813-john do n’t falter in the slightest . ‘ [I]2813-john love [you]2813-john . ’[2813-john] ‘ Tell [me]2813-john … ’[2813-john] ‘ [I]2813-john need [you]2813-john . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john interrupt [him]306-jesse . [I]2813-john know the drill . [He]306-jesse smiles thoughtfully . ‘ [You]2813-john ’ll never know how happy that makes [me]306-jesse . ’[306-jesse] ‘ [I]2813-john do know . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john correct [him]306-jesse . [I]2813-john know very well because [I]2813-john feel exactly the same . [He]306-jesse dips and kisses [me]2813-john lightly . ‘ [I]306-jesse want [you]2813-john naked and spread all over [me]306-jesse . Let [me]306-jesse get this dress off . ’[306-jesse] [He]306-jesse turns [me]2813-john around and starts unbuttoning the dozens of tiny pearls running down [my]2813-john spine . ‘ What ’s happening with [[your]2813-john brother]419-your brother and [Kate]2774-kate ? ’[306-jesse] [he]306-jesse asks . The question immediately snaps [my]2813-john sleepy eyes open . That ’s a damn fine question . Nothing , [I]2813-john hope , but [I]2813-john wo n’t hold [my]2813-john breath . ‘ [I]2813-john do n’t know . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m being honest . [I]2813-john really do n’t . [I]2813-john wo n’t be telling [Jesse]306-jesse about what [I]2813-john discovered in [the toilets]442-the toilets . ‘[2813-john] Either [you]527-you ’ve learnt to control [your]527-you bad habit , or [you]527-you ’re telling [me]306-jesse the truth . ’[306-jesse] [He]306-jesse pushes [my]2813-john dress from [my]2813-john shoulders and takes it down to [my]2813-john feet so [I]2813-john can step out of it . ‘ [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] telling the truth . ’ [I]2813-john say , turning to face [him]306-jesse . [He]306-jesse straightens [himself]306-jesse up and walks over to the door to hang [my]2813-john dress . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john think seeing each other has sparked memories , that ’s all . ’ ‘[2813-john] Memories ? ’ [he]306-jesse asks , making [his]306-jesse way back to [me]306-jesse . [I]306-jesse ’m[306-jesse] turned around again so [he]306-jesse can access [my]2813-john bodice . ‘ [They]2950-they were bad for each other . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john say . ‘ [You]2813-john know [Kate]2774-kate , and [Dan]464-dan is n’t [the most tolerant man on [the planet]2951-the planet]464-dan . [They]2950-they clashed terribly . It was best for [them]2950-they both when [Dan]464-dan left . ’[2813-john] ‘ But now [he]464-dan ’s back . ’[2813-john] ‘ Yes , but [he]464-dan ’ll be gone soon . What about [Kate]2774-kate and [Sam]2844-sam ? ’[2813-john] That ’s another disaster waiting to happen . ‘ [I]2813-john ’ve told [you]2813-john , that ’s none of [our]2952-our business . ’[2813-john] ‘ But [she]2774-kate ’s [a member of [The Manor]226-the manor]2774-kate . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john sound accusing , which is fine because [I]2813-john am . ‘ Why did [you]2813-john allow that ? ’[2813-john] ‘ It ’s not [my]237-members job to ask [potential members]2954-potential members why [they]2954-potential members want to join . [I]237-members check for criminal records , medical issues , and financials . If [they]2954-potential members can pay , [they]2954-potential members ’re[237-members] clean , and have no serious offences , then [they]237-members ’re in . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john scowl at thin air in front of [me]2813-john . ‘ [Members]237-members could screw anything between visits to [The Manor]226-the manor and catch something , or be arrested for violence . How would [you]2813-john know ? ’[237-members] ‘ Because [they]237-members ’re[2813-john] required to undertake monthly tests , and [I]2813-john obtain regular reports . There is no penetrative sex without condoms , and [their]237-members honesty and disclosure form part of [their]237-members agreement . ’ [He]2813-john reaches the final fastener and removes [my]237-members corset . ‘[237-members] [These people]2905-these people are [respected members of society]2905-these people , [Ava]536-ava . ’ ‘[536-ava] Who love having kinky sex with [strangers]530-strangers and weird contraptions ? ’ [I]536-ava grumble . ‘[536-ava] None of [my]2813-john business . ’ That ’s just it . It is [his]2813-john business , and it was also [his]2813-john pleasure . [I]531-i wince at the direction of [my]531-i thoughts and try to concentrate on the feel of [him]2813-john gathering [my]531-i hair and pulling it to the side . The unmistakable heat of [his]2813-john lips on [my]531-i nape dispels them completely . [I]531-i shiver , and [he]2813-john laughs . ‘[531-i] [She]531-i ’s going to get hurt . ’ [I]531-i say quietly . [His]2813-john arm snakes around [my]531-i bare tummy , pulling [me]531-i back against [him]2813-john . [I]531-i ’m[531-i] more than awake now . ‘ What makes [you]531-i think that ? ’[2813-john] [My]2813-john shoulders tense . ‘ [I]2813-john know [she]531-i likes [him]2813-john . ’[2813-john] [His]2813-john hips push forward into [my]2813-john lower back and slowly grind , lazily , purposefully . ‘ And [I]2813-john know [Sam]2844-sam likes [her]531-i . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john moan as [he]2813-john dips and pushes upwards , moving [his]2813-john mouth to [my]2813-john ear . [I]2813-john ’m not even going to bother trying to sound unaffected . ‘[2813-john] Then why ca n’t [they]532-i date like [any normal couple]533-any normal couple ? ’ [I]532-i breathe . ‘[532-i] None of [our]534-our business . ’ [he]2813-john whispers . That ’s it . That voice , those damn fucking hips and the sharpness of [his]2813-john chest through [his]2813-john suit has [me]532-i lock stock . [I]532-i spin around and start walking forward , pushing [him]2813-john back towards the bed . ‘[532-i] This marriage is getting consummated . ’ [I]306-jesse shove [him]2813-john on the bed and climb up to straddle [his]2813-john hips . [He]2813-john ’s looking up at [me]306-jesse , thoroughly amused . ‘[306-jesse] [Mr Ward]306-jesse , [I]2813-john ’m taking the power . Any objections ? ’[306-jesse] [He]306-jesse grins . ‘ Knock [yourself]306-jesse out , [baby]306-jesse . But please watch [your]306-jesse mouth . ’[306-jesse] ‘ Mouth . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john whisper , reaching forward and grabbing [his]306-jesse tie . [I]2813-john yank it towards [me]2813-john so [he]306-jesse ’s forced to sit up or be strangled . [His]306-jesse eyes widen in alarm as [I]2813-john get nose to nose with [him]306-jesse . ‘ Who has the power ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ask quietly . ‘ It looks like [you]306-jesse do for now . ’[306-jesse] [He]306-jesse ’s fighting a grin . ‘ Do n’t get used to it . ’[306-jesse] [I]2813-john smile and push [my]2813-john lips to [his]306-jesse , a collective moan mingling between [our]535-our mouths . [I]2813-john force [my]2813-john body into [his]306-jesse , pressing [him]306-jesse back down to the bed , while [our]535-our mouths work each other in perfect harmony . [We]535-our are so incredibly in touch with each other . [I]2813-john know what [he]306-jesse wants and how [he]306-jesse wants it . [I]2813-john ’ve been getting far too much gentle [Jesse]306-jesse lately , but [I]2813-john ’m going to remedy that now . [I]536-ava break away from [his]306-jesse lips and work [my]536-ava way into is neck , savouring the feeling of [his]306-jesse big hands sweeping across [my]536-ava naked back . ‘[536-ava] Damn [you]536-ava , [woman]536-ava . ’ [he]306-jesse moans . ‘[536-ava] [You]536-ava do n’t want [me]2813-john ? ’ [I]536-ava tease , nibbling at [his]306-jesse ear , circling wet , firm strokes in the hollow below [his]306-jesse lobe . [His]306-jesse scent is intoxicating . ‘[536-ava] Do n’t ask stupid fucking questions . ’ [He]306-jesse pushes against [me]306-jesse , and [I]306-jesse know [he]306-jesse ’s going to spin [me]306-jesse over , seize control , and then probably instigate sleepy sex , so [I]306-jesse force [myself]306-jesse back down onto [him]306-jesse . ‘[306-jesse] Oh no , [Ward]306-jesse . ’ [I]306-jesse watch [his]306-jesse chest heaving , [his]306-jesse stunning face strained . [He]306-jesse is clearly fighting instinct to take over here , but [I]306-jesse ’m[306-jesse] not giving in . [I]2813-john know [he]306-jesse could tackle [me]2813-john onto [my]2813-john back in a split second , and with little energy or strength , but [he]306-jesse wo n’t . On top of being far too gentle with [me]2813-john , [he]306-jesse ’s trying hard to prove a point — that [he]306-jesse can relinquish the power , that [he]306-jesse can be reasonable . [He]306-jesse ’s trying so bloody hard … and failing . [I]2813-john reach forward and take [his]306-jesse hand , and [he]306-jesse watches carefully as [I]2813-john lift it , the cuffs chinking as they unravel . [My]2813-john eyes flick to [his]306-jesse so [I]2813-john can gage [his]306-jesse reaction , and [I]2813-john find a look of understanding surfacing . Then [his]306-jesse arm tenses . [I]2813-john tug gently , but [he]306-jesse wo n’t let [me]2813-john guide it to where [I]2813-john want it to be . This is the ultimate test . [I]2813-john know how [he]306-jesse feels when [he]306-jesse ’s unable to access [me]2813-john , but it ’s an unreasonable and unwarranted fear , and [we]537-we have got to get past it . [I]2813-john tug again with slightly raised eyebrows . [He]306-jesse ’s reluctant , but [he]306-jesse lets [me]2813-john guide it to the headboard . ‘ [You]306-jesse wo n’t leave this time . ’[306-jesse] [he]306-jesse pants . ‘ Promise [you]306-jesse wo n’t leave [me]306-jesse this time . ’[306-jesse] ‘ If [you]306-jesse promise [you]306-jesse wo n’t get mad . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john snap the cuff over the wooden bar and look down at [him]306-jesse . ‘ Do n’t get mad with [me]306-jesse . ’[306-jesse] [He]306-jesse shakes [his]306-jesse head faintly and takes a deep breath . [I]2813-john know how hard this is for [him]306-jesse . ‘ Kiss [me]306-jesse . ’[306-jesse] [he]306-jesse orders harshly . ‘ But [I]306-jesse ’m[306-jesse] in charge . ’ [I]306-jesse remind [him]306-jesse . ‘[306-jesse] [Jesus]306-jesse , [baby]306-jesse , do n’t make this harder than it already is . ’ [He]306-jesse reaches out with [his]306-jesse free hand and grasps the top of [my]306-jesse arm , pulling [me]306-jesse down so [I]306-jesse ’m[306-jesse] flush to [his]306-jesse chest again . [My]2813-john lips land on [his]306-jesse and [his]306-jesse marvellous mouth saturates [me]2813-john . [I]2813-john start working [his]306-jesse tie loose as [he]306-jesse claims [me]2813-john with [his]306-jesse toungue , yanking it from [his]306-jesse neck and then beginning on the buttons of [his]306-jesse shirt until [I]2813-john ’ve got the lusciousness of [his]306-jesse hard chest under [my]2813-john palms . Slowing [our]538-our kiss down , [I]2813-john pull away and [he]306-jesse growls , [his]306-jesse eyes clenching shut , but [I]2813-john ignore [his]306-jesse obvious displeasure and start trailing [my]2813-john lips down [his]306-jesse neck , onto [his]306-jesse chest , across [his]306-jesse solid stomach until [I]2813-john reach the zipper of [his]306-jesse trousers . [My]2813-john nose runs the length of [his]306-jesse cock over [his]306-jesse trousers , and [his]306-jesse hips jerk up , a supressed bark flying from [his]306-jesse mouth . [My]2813-john plan is working . [I]2813-john ’m going to work [him]306-jesse up into a frenzy so when [I]2813-john release [him]306-jesse , [he]306-jesse ’ll be rampant and hopefully fuck [me]2813-john unconscious . [We]2956-we ’ve got way too much hard fucking to catch up on . [I]2813-john feel [his]306-jesse hand land on the back of [my]2813-john head , and [he]306-jesse yanks at [my]2813-john hair a little . [I]2813-john smile to [myself]2813-john in smug satisfaction , then slip the button of [his]306-jesse trousers and slowly pull [his]306-jesse zipper down , sliding [my]2813-john hand into [his]306-jesse boxers and firmly grabbing [his]306-jesse rock - hard length . [His]306-jesse hips fly up , the metal of the cuffs clanking loudly . ‘[2813-john] Fuck , [Ava]536-ava ! Fucking hell ! ’ [His]306-jesse head shoots up and [he]306-jesse hits [me]536-ava with desperate , hungry eyes . ‘[536-ava] Mouth , now ! ’ [I]536-ava crawl back up [his]306-jesse body and grab [his]306-jesse cheeks in [my]536-ava palms . ‘[536-ava] [You]536-ava want [me]2813-john to take [you]536-ava in [my]2813-john mouth . ’ [I]536-ava press [my]536-ava lips to [his]306-jesse … hard . ‘[536-ava] Do it . ’ ‘[536-ava] Who has the power , [Jesse]306-jesse ? ’ [I]306-jesse bite [his]306-jesse lip , and [he]306-jesse moans . ‘[306-jesse] [You]536-ava do , [baby]536-ava . Mouth . ’ [I]306-jesse smile against [him]306-jesse and drift straight back down , pulling [his]306-jesse cock free and licking a teasing , wet lash straight up [his]306-jesse shaft . ‘[306-jesse] Oh fuck , ’ [he]306-jesse groans , ‘[306-jesse] Oh Jesus , [Ava]536-ava . [Your]536-ava mouth is amazing . ’ ‘[536-ava] Good ? ’ [I]536-ava ask , taking [him]306-jesse halfway , before drawing back again . ‘[536-ava] Too good . [I]2813-john knew [I]2813-john married [you]536-ava for a reason . ’ [I]2813-john bite into [his]306-jesse flesh lightly , warningly . ‘[2813-john] All the way ? ’ ‘[2813-john] Do it , ’ [I]2813-john wrap [my]2813-john lips around [him]306-jesse and glide all the way down , until [he]306-jesse hits the back of [my]2813-john throat . [He]306-jesse groans loudly , [his]306-jesse groin pushing up . [I]2813-john try to relax [my]2813-john mouth , try to accept the invasion , but [my]2813-john gag reflex fails [me]2813-john and [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] suddenly retching . What the hell ? [I]2813-john drop [him]536-ava fast and leap up from the bed , [my]2813-john stomach convulsing , a sweat breaking out across [my]2813-john brow . [I]2813-john ’m going to throw up . [I]536-ava fly into [the bathroom]444-the toilet and collapse in front of [the toilet]444-the toilet , then proceed to evacuate the contents of [my]536-ava stomach , trying to hold [my]536-ava hair out of [my]536-ava face while aiming right . ‘[536-ava] [Ava]536-ava ! ’ [he]536-ava bellows . The sound of the cuffs start clanging loudly . ‘[536-ava] [Ava]536-ava ! ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m … ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john throw up again , choking as [I]2813-john try to talk , try to assure [him]536-ava that [I]2813-john ’m fine . Shit , [I]306-jesse need to release [him]536-ava . ‘[306-jesse] [Jesus]306-jesse , [Ava]536-ava ! ’ The persistent clattering of metal on wood rings out through [the suite]245-the suite , accompanied by [Jesse]306-jesse ’s panicked yells . ‘[536-ava] Fucking hell , [AVA]536-ava ! ’ [I]536-ava ca n’t talk . [My]536-ava throat is blocked , [my]536-ava eyes are watering and [my]536-ava stomach is aching from turning so much . What the hell is wrong with [me]536-ava ? [I]536-ava ’d hardly started . [I]536-ava ’ve taken [him]536-ava endlessly like that and it ’s never had this effect . Shit , [I]536-ava feel queasy . [I]536-ava grab some toilet tissue and dab at [my]536-ava forehead . [I]536-ava really need to get a grip and get [my]536-ava arse back in there to release [him]536-ava before [he]536-ava has heart failure . ‘[536-ava] [Ava]536-ava ! ’ There ’s an almighty crash , and then [he]536-ava steams into [the bathroom]444-the toilet , shirt open , trousers undone , and a look of pure dread on [his]536-ava face . [I]2813-john try to wave an arm at [him]536-ava , anything to reassure [him]536-ava that [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] okay , but [I]2813-john ’m quickly grasping the side of [the toilet]444-the toilet again , bracing [my]2813-john arms as [I]2813-john continue to gag and choke . ‘[2813-john] Jesus , [baby]306-jesse . ’ [He]536-ava sounds so worried , [the neurotic fool]536-ava . [I]306-jesse ’m[306-jesse] only being sick . [I]2813-john feel [him]536-ava close in behind [me]2813-john and gather [my]2813-john tresses , holding them and rubbing [my]2813-john back . ‘ [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] fine . ’ [I]2813-john wipe [my]2813-john face and rub [my]2813-john palms over [my]2813-john cheeks when [I]2813-john know [I]2813-john ca n’t possibly throw up anymore . ‘[2813-john] Clearly . ’ [he]536-ava mutters dryly . ‘[2813-john] Let [me]2813-john look at [you]2813-john . ’ [I]2813-john shuffle around on a sigh . ‘[2813-john] Still want to fuck [me]2813-john ? ’ [I]536-ava ask in attempt to soothe [his]536-ava obvious worry . [He]536-ava rolls [his]536-ava eyes , ‘[536-ava] [Ava]536-ava , please . ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m sorry . ’[2813-john] ‘ [Lady]536-ava , [you]536-ava ’ll kill [me]2813-john off , [I]2813-john swear . ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john pushes [my]2813-john hair from [my]2813-john face . ‘ [You]536-ava okay ? ’[2813-john] ‘ No , [I]2813-john feel sick . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john collapse forward , [my]2813-john cheek colliding with [his]2813-john bare chest where [his]2813-john shirt is open . ‘ Why do [you]536-ava think that is ? ’[2813-john] [he]2813-john asks quietly . [I]2813-john stiffen . [I]2813-john ’m really not ready to deal with it yet . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] not ready to rip [him]2813-john to shreds for hiding [my]2813-john pills . [I]2813-john have n’t got the energy right now , so [I]2813-john keep [my]2813-john mouth shut , but [I]2813-john need to take [my]2813-john head out of the sand and face reality — the reality that [I]2813-john ’m most certainly pregnant . ‘[2813-john] Take [me]2813-john to bed , please . ’ [I]540-the most frustrating woman on the fucking planet hear [him]2813-john exhale deeply . It ’s an obvious demonstration of frustration . [I]540-the most frustrating woman on the fucking planet wo n’t be allowed to live in denial for much longer , but [his]2813-john need to care for [me]540-the most frustrating woman on the fucking planet at the moment is getting [me]540-the most frustrating woman on the fucking planet off the hook . [He]2813-john stands and pulls [me]540-the most frustrating woman on the fucking planet up . ‘[540-the most frustrating woman on the fucking planet] [You]540-the most frustrating woman on the fucking planet are [the most frustrating woman on [the fucking planet]541-the fucking planet]540-the most frustrating woman on the fucking planet . [You]540-the most frustrating woman on the fucking planet want to brush [your]540-the most frustrating woman on the fucking planet teeth ? ’ ‘[540-the most frustrating woman on the fucking planet] Please . ’ [He]2813-john smiles down at [me]540-the most frustrating woman on the fucking planet and brushes [his]2813-john knuckles across [my]540-the most frustrating woman on the fucking planet cheek . ‘[540-the most frustrating woman on the fucking planet] Everything will be fine . ’ Will it ? Fine for [him]2813-john . [He]2813-john gets what [he]2813-john wants , although why [he]2813-john wants it is a fucking mystery . ‘[540-the most frustrating woman on the fucking planet] Okay . ’ [I]306-jesse agree feebly , catching a glimpse of a hanging handcuff from [his]2813-john wrist … and a huge red blister . ‘[306-jesse] [Jesse]306-jesse ! What have [you]306-jesse done ? ’ [I]540-the most frustrating woman on the fucking planet grab [his]2813-john hand and turn it over , discovering the inner side on [his]2813-john wrist displaying a mass of angry red welts . [I]540-the most frustrating woman on the fucking planet suck in a shocked breath . Shit , that looks sore . [He]2813-john pulls [his]2813-john wrist from [my]540-the most frustrating woman on the fucking planet grip and removes the cuffs , throwing them to the floor . ‘[540-the most frustrating woman on the fucking planet] [You]540-the most frustrating woman on the fucking planet keep [my]2813-john heart beating , [baby]306-jesse , but [you]540-the most frustrating woman on the fucking planet can also make it fucking stop . ’ [He]2813-john shakes [his]2813-john head and lifts [me]540-the most frustrating woman on the fucking planet onto the counter . ‘[540-the most frustrating woman on the fucking planet] [You]540-the most frustrating woman on the fucking planet said [you]540-the most frustrating woman on the fucking planet could n’t live without [me]2813-john , did n’t [you]540-the most frustrating woman on the fucking planet ? ’ ‘[540-the most frustrating woman on the fucking planet] Yes , ’ [He]2813-john narrows accusing eyes on [me]540-the most frustrating woman on the fucking planet . ‘[540-the most frustrating woman on the fucking planet] Then stop trying to kill [me]2813-john off . ’ [I]540-the most frustrating woman on the fucking planet feel a grin surfacing . ‘[540-the most frustrating woman on the fucking planet] [You]540-the most frustrating woman on the fucking planet ’re such [a drama queen]2960-a drama queen . ’[540-the most frustrating woman on the fucking planet] ‘ There is nothing dramatic about being worried when [[my]2813-john wife]2849-my wife throws up after [I]2813-john ’ve just thrust [my]2813-john cock in [her]2849-my wife mouth . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john burst into laughter . [My]2813-john head falls back , [my]2813-john eyes close and [I]2813-john laugh . Really hard . [I]2813-john have tears and all . [I]2813-john ca n’t stop , and [he]543-he lets [me]2813-john have [my]2813-john moment , waiting patiently with [my]2813-john toothbrush hovering in front of [my]2813-john mouth . ‘ [I]543-he ’m[543-he] sorry ! ’ [I]2813-john chuckle . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m really sorry . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john wipe [my]2813-john eyes and [home]2904-home straight in on a pair of curious greens , a raised brow and a chewed lip . ‘ It is quite funny , though . ’[2813-john] ‘ [I]545-my ’m[545-my] glad [you]545-my find it amusing . Open [your]545-my mouth . ’ [I]545-my let [my]545-my jaw drop open and [he]543-he sets about brushing [my]545-my teeth for [me]545-my . When [he]543-he ’s done , [he]543-he runs a cool wash cloth over [my]545-my brow before scooping [me]545-my up and transporting [me]545-my to the bed . [My]545-my eyes widen when [I]545-my clock the headboard . It ’s mangled , with strips of wood all splintered and hanging off . ‘[545-my] In [you]545-my get . ’ [He]543-he places [me]2813-john on the edge , and [I]2813-john waste no time crawling up and snuggling down , letting out a long , contented sigh . [I]2813-john turn over and watch [him]543-he undress , [my]2813-john greedy gaze drinking in [his]543-he perfection . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ca n’t believe [I]2813-john ’m spending [my]2813-john first night as [[your]2813-john wife]2962-your wife in one of [[your]2813-john torture chambers]2963-your torture chambers . ’[2813-john] The unpleasant thought has [me]2813-john shifting slightly and wondering who has been in this bed and what has gone down . Suddenly [I]2813-john want to get out . ‘ [No one]548-no one has slept in this bed , [Ava]536-ava . ’[546-he] [He]546-he knows what [I]2813-john ’m thinking . [I]547-i frown . ‘[547-i] [They]547-i ’ve not ? ’ [He]546-he smiles as [he]546-he shrugs [his]546-he shirt off . ‘[547-i] [No one]548-no one has been in [this room]285-this room since [I]2813-john cornered [you]550-you . ’ [He]546-he ’s watching [me]547-i closely , and [my]547-i mind reflects back to that day when [I]547-i found [myself]547-i trapped and silently willing [him]546-he on . ‘[547-i] And the bed is new . ’ ‘[547-i] Really ? ’ [I]547-i blurt , a little shocked . [He]2813-john laughs . ‘[547-i] Really . ’ ‘[547-i] Why ? ’ ‘[2813-john] Because [I]2813-john ’m not having [you]550-you in a bed that [others]472-others have … ’[2813-john] [His]2813-john frown line surfaces again . ‘ frequented . ’[2813-john] [he]2813-john finishes . ‘ And [no one]548-no one has been in [this room]285-this room since [me]2813-john ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ask . [He]2813-john kicks [his]2813-john trousers off and draws [his]2813-john boxers down [his]2813-john legs . ‘ Only [me]2813-john . Get [your]550-you underwear off . [I]2813-john want [you]550-you naked . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john reach down and push [my]2813-john knickers from [my]2813-john legs . ‘ Did [you]550-you sit in here quietly and think about [me]2813-john ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ask on a grin . [He]2813-john strides over to a unit of drawers and pulls the top one open . ‘ More than [you]550-you know . ’[2813-john] [he]2813-john answers quietly , turning and holding up a bra . [My]2813-john bra . ‘ That ’s [my]2813-john bra ! ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john blurt . [I]2813-john have a sudden flurry of flashbacks from when [he]2813-john cornered [me]2813-john . [I]2813-john left [my]2813-john bra , and [he]2813-john stored it there all this time ? [He]2813-john chucks it on the top of the drawers and shrugs sheepishly , then paces over to the bed and slips in beside [me]2813-john . [I]2813-john immediately crawl onto [his]2813-john chest and settle [myself]2813-john all over [him]2813-john , [my]2813-john face nuzzling straight into [his]2813-john neck . ‘ Comfy ? ’[2813-john] [he]2813-john asks . ‘ Hmmm . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john hum , [my]2813-john hands wandering all over [the place]2776-the place , needing to feel [him]2813-john and relish in the flesh on flesh contact . [He]2813-john sat in here quietly and thought of [me]2813-john . [He]2813-john kept [my]2813-john bra . [No one]548-no one has been in here , except [me]2813-john , and [he]2813-john ’s replaced the bed . ‘ How do [you]2813-john feel ? ’[2813-john] [he]2813-john asks , letting [me]2813-john smother [him]2813-john . ‘ [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] fine . ’ [I]2813-john sigh . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] fine at the moment , but not for long , no doubt . [He]2813-john matches [my]2813-john sigh . ‘ [She]0-my beautiful girl ’s fine . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m held tighter , [his]2813-john heartbeat thumping against [my]2813-john breastbone . ‘[2813-john] Go to sleep , [[my]2813-john beautiful girl]0-my beautiful girl . ’ And [I]2813-john do . [My]2813-john eyes slowly close and [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] gone . Chapter 6 [I]2813-john open [my]2813-john eyes and stretch . It ’s an over - the - top , noisy , satisfying , completely contented extension of [my]2813-john body all over the bed . Then [I]2813-john smile to [myself]2813-john , listening to [him]2813-john in [the bathroom]2800-the bathroom — the sound of the tap jetting out streams of hot water into the tub , [him]2813-john collecting all of the cosmetics [he]2813-john ’ll need , and then the unmistakable sound of [him]2813-john swishing the water to instigate some bubbles . [[My]2813-john self - professed bath man]2813-john is keeping to [his]2813-john word . [We]555-we ’re going to have a long soak in the bath and undoubtedly some tub talk whilst [we]555-we ’re[555-we] there . Do [I]2813-john want tub talk today ? Shuffling [myself]2813-john to the edge of the gigantic bed , [I]2813-john take [my]2813-john naked form over to [[the suite]245-the suite ’s bathroom]2800-the bathroom and lean [myself]2813-john up against the doorframe . [He]2813-john ’s sitting on a chair in the window , elbows resting on [his]2813-john knees , looking out across [The Manor ’s grounds]557-the manor ’s grounds . [He]2813-john ’s naked too , every finely tuned muscle protruding from [his]2813-john back and [his]2813-john dark blonde hair damp from the condensation filling the vast space . [I]2813-john could stand all day and watch [him]2813-john , but even from here and with [his]2813-john back to [me]2813-john , [I]2813-john can see the cogs of [his]2813-john mind racing around at a hundred miles per hour . [He]2813-john ’s probably thinking about [my]2813-john denial , and [he]2813-john ’s undoubtedly thinking about how [he]2813-john can keep [me]2813-john at [home]2904-home . It ’s Monday tomorrow , therefore a work day . [My]2813-john unreasonable , challenging , neurotic control freak . [[My]2813-john ex - playboy]420-my husband . And now [[my]2813-john husband]420-my husband . [I]2813-john need to touch [him]2813-john . [I]2813-john approach quietly , [my]2813-john eyes getting more and more delighted the closer [I]2813-john get , [my]2813-john skin starting to prickle with the usual sparks that simmer between [our]560-our bodies . ‘ [I]561-beautiful girl know when [you]561-beautiful girl ’re[561-beautiful girl] near , [beautiful girl]561-beautiful girl . ’ [He]2813-john does n’t look around . ‘[561-beautiful girl] [You]561-beautiful girl ’ll never get away with that . ’ [I]561-beautiful girl move around in front of [him]2813-john and climb onto [his]2813-john lap , planting [my]561-beautiful girl cheek on [his]2813-john chest . [His]2813-john arms engulf [me]561-beautiful girl and [his]2813-john face plummets into [my]561-beautiful girl hair . ‘[561-beautiful girl] Trying to sneak up on [me]2813-john ? ’ ‘[561-beautiful girl] It never works . ’ ‘[561-beautiful girl] It never will . How are [you]561-beautiful girl feeling this morning ? ’ [I]561-beautiful girl smile into [his]2813-john chest . ‘[561-beautiful girl] Fine . ’ ‘[561-beautiful girl] Fine . ’ [He]2813-john replies , pulling [me]561-beautiful girl in closer . ‘[561-beautiful girl] Do n’t go to work tomorrow . ’ [I]2813-john sag in [his]2813-john lap slightly , even though [I]2813-john knew what was coming . [I]2813-john agreed to marry [him]2813-john so soon if [he]2813-john accepted that there will be no honeymoon , and if [he]2813-john agreed to chill out on the overprotectiveness and unreasonableness . [My]2813-john instincts told [me]2813-john [he]2813-john ’d fail on all counts . [I]2813-john pull [myself]2813-john up and face [him]2813-john . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john need to work . ’ [He]2813-john shakes [his]2813-john head . ‘[2813-john] [You]562-you do n’t need to work at all . [We]563-we need to be together . ’ ‘[563-we] [We]563-we are together . ’ ‘[563-we] [You]562-you know what [I]2813-john mean . ’ [he]2813-john grumbles . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] going to get nowhere with this , so [I]2813-john remove [myself]2813-john from [his]2813-john lap and head for the bath . ‘ What are [you]562-you doing ? ’[2813-john] [he]2813-john asks [my]2813-john back . [I]2813-john do n’t need to turn around for visual confirmation of the scowl [I]2813-john know covers [his]2813-john face . ‘ Having a bath . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john climb in and settle back , but almost instantly move forward to give [him]2813-john space . [He]2813-john climbs in and settles behind [me]2813-john , pulling [me]2813-john back to rest on [his]2813-john chest and homing straight in on [my]2813-john ear , giving a little growl and a nibble . ‘ [I]2813-john ’ve told [you]562-you before , do n’t fight [me]2813-john off . ’[2813-john] ‘ Then stop making unreasonable demands . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john retort harshly . [He]2813-john bites down harder on [my]2813-john lobe . ‘ And [I]2813-john ’ve also told [you]562-you that before . There is nothing unreasonable about wanting to keep [you]562-you safe . ’[2813-john] ‘ [You]562-you mean keep [me]2813-john to [yourself]562-you . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john close [my]2813-john eyes and let [my]2813-john head relax against [him]2813-john , [my]2813-john palms sliding onto [his]2813-john strong , wet thighs . ‘ No , ’[2813-john] [His]2813-john fingers lace through [mine]2813-john . ‘ To keep [you]562-you safe . ’[2813-john] ‘ [You]562-you use that as an excuse for [your]562-you unreasonable behaviour . ’[564-you] ‘ No . [You]562-you make [me]2813-john crazy . ’[2813-john] ‘ [You]562-you make [yourself]562-you crazy . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] going to work tomorrow and [you]564-you are going to let [me]2813-john , and [you]564-you ’re not going to make a fuss of it . [You]564-you promised . ’[564-you] [I]2813-john feel [his]2813-john mouth at [my]2813-john ear again , and [I]2813-john use every modicum of strength to restrain [my]2813-john moan . ‘ But [you]564-you promised to obey [me]2813-john . [I]2813-john think marriage vows over - ride any promises that were made before . ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john pushes [himself]2813-john up against [my]2813-john bum . ‘ Does [someone]443-someone need some sense fucked into [them]443-someone ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john jerk , sending water swishing around [us]565-we . [I]2813-john ’d love some sense fucked into [me]2813-john , but [I]2813-john still wo n’t relent . ‘ [You]566-good girl also promised to stop fucking sense into [me]2813-john because it was agreed that all of the sense only makes sense to [you]566-good girl . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m beginning to wish [we]565-we ’d never made that agreement . Sense fucking equals hard fucking . ‘[2813-john] Love , honour and obey . ’ [he]2813-john whispers , and [my]2813-john face naturally turns into that low , husky voice , [my]2813-john lips finding [his]2813-john . ‘[2813-john] That makes sense , does n’t it ? ’ ‘[2813-john] No , ’ [I]2813-john breathe . ‘[2813-john] Hardly anything [you]566-good girl demand makes sense . ’ ‘[565-we] [We]565-we make sense . ’ [He]2813-john swamps [me]565-we with [his]2813-john mouth . ‘[565-we] Tell [me]2813-john [we]565-we make sense . ’ ‘[565-we] [We]565-we make sense . ’ ‘[566-good girl] [Good girl]566-good girl . Sit up so [I]2813-john can bathe [you]566-good girl . ’ [He]2813-john drops [my]2813-john lips , leaving [me]2813-john feeling deserted , and pushes [me]2813-john forward in front of [him]2813-john . ‘[2813-john] [We]565-we ’ll have breakfast with [[your]566-good girl family]567-your family , then [I]2813-john ’m taking [you]566-good girl [home]2904-home . Deal ? ’[2813-john] ‘ Deal . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john agree . [I]2813-john ca n’t wait to go [home]2904-home but [I]2813-john absolutely can wait to go [downstairs]316-downstairs and face [Kate]2774-kate and [Dan]464-dan . Stupid , stupid [Kate]2774-kate . [I]2813-john ’m not even going to try and work out what the hell [she]2774-kate ’s thinking , and [I]2813-john suspect [she]2774-kate does n’t even know [herself]2774-kate . Will [she]2774-kate even remember ? [She]2774-kate was pretty pissed . And [Sam]2844-sam . [I]2813-john inwardly groan . How am [I]2813-john going to face [Sam]2844-sam knowing this ? ‘[2813-john] What are [you]570-you thinking about ? ’ [Jesse]306-jesse asks , pulling [me]2774-kate back to the here and now . ‘[2774-kate] [Kate]2774-kate . ’ [I]2813-john answer immediately . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m thinking about [Kate]2774-kate and [Sam]2844-sam . ’[2813-john] ‘ [I]2813-john ’ve told [you]2813-john A … ’[2813-john] ‘ Do n’t tell [me]2813-john it ’s none of [my]2813-john business , [Jesse]306-jesse . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john cut [him]571-he off completely . ‘ [She]2774-kate ’s [[my]2813-john best friend]2774-kate . [I]2813-john feel like [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] watching [a car]572-a car crash in slow motion . [I]2813-john need to stop it . ’ ‘[2813-john] No , [you]573-you need to mind [your]573-you own business , [Ava]536-ava . ’ [he]571-he scorns [me]573-you harshly . ‘[573-you] [You]573-you ’re done . ’[571-he] [He]571-he places the sponge on the edge of the bath and rises behind [me]2813-john , stepping out and grabbing a towel . ‘ Wash [your]573-you hair . ’[571-he] [He]571-he rubs [himself]571-he down and wraps the towel around [his]571-he waist . ‘ Maybe [you]573-you could show as much concern for a little detail in [our]2968-our relationship that needs addressing . ’[571-he] [He]571-he drills holes into [me]2813-john with an expectant look , and [I]2813-john immediately forget all issues relating to [Sam]2844-sam and [Kate]2774-kate , but [I]2813-john do n’t embrace [his]571-he new - found talent for talking . Instead , [I]2813-john slide down the bath and immerse [myself]2813-john in [the bubbly water]574-the bubbly water . [I]2813-john ’m still not ready , and [I]2813-john notice that [his]571-he new talking ability is only used on subjects of [his]571-he choice . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] not looking at [him]571-he , but [I]2813-john know [he]571-he ’s just rolled [his]571-he eyes . [He]571-he can roll [his]571-he eyes all [he]571-he likes . [I]2813-john ’m dealing with this in [my]61-darling own way . And that way is to wedge [my]61-darling head as far underground as [I]61-darling can get it . * * * [We]2969-we walk into [restaurant of [The Manor]226-the manor]2970-restaurant of the manor hand in hand and are immediately greeted by loud clapping and cheering . The first things [I]61-darling notice , apart from the noise , is [Kate]2774-kate ’s obvious hangover , and across [the room]254-the room , [Dan]464-dan ’s glacial glare , pointed right at [Jesse]306-jesse . [[My]61-darling husband]264-matt either notices neither or ignores [them]264-matt both , because [he]264-matt scoops [me]61-darling right up and strides through the tables , places [me]61-darling neatly on a chair opposite [[my]61-darling mum]2774-kate and [dad]264-matt , then takes one up next to [me]61-darling . ‘[61-darling] [Darling]61-darling ! ’ [[My]61-darling mum]2774-kate ’s excited shriek hammers at [my]61-darling ears . ‘[61-darling] What a wonderful day it was , despite [a certain difficult man]575-a certain difficult man . ’ [She]2774-kate glares across the table at [Jesse]306-jesse . ‘[215-elizabeth] Good morning , [Elizabeth]215-elizabeth . ’ [Jesse]306-jesse beams at [[my]215-elizabeth mum]2774-kate , and [she]2774-kate rolls [her]2774-kate eyes , but [I]215-elizabeth can tell [she]2774-kate ’s restraining a fond smile . ‘[215-elizabeth] How are [you]61-darling , [Joseph]464-dan ? ’ [[My]464-dan dad]464-dan nods while carving through a sausage . ‘[464-dan] Very well . Did [you]61-darling two enjoy [your]464-dan day ? ’ ‘[576-we] [We]576-we did , thank [you]61-darling . Are [you]61-darling being looked after ? ’ [Jesse]306-jesse casts [his]306-jesse eyes around [the restaurant]2975-the restaurant , obviously checking that [the staff]2976-the staff is seeing to [the remaining guests]2977-the remaining guests . ‘[61-darling] Too well . ’ [Dad]2779-dad laughs . ‘[61-darling] [We]576-we ’ll be hitting [the road]577-the road after breakfast , so [I]2813-john ’ll take this opportunity to thank [you]61-darling for [your]61-darling hospitality . It really was a special day . ’ [I]578-i smile at [[my]578-i dad]2779-dad and [his]2779-dad graciousness , [his]2779-dad manners never failing [him]2779-dad . [I]578-i ’m[578-i] glad [they]578-i enjoyed [themselves]578-i . ‘ Is [Dan]464-dan going back with [you]61-darling ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ask , trying to sound casual . ‘ Oh no , has [he]306-jesse not told [you]61-darling ? ’[246-mum] [mum]246-mum asks . [Jesse]306-jesse butters some toast and takes [my]2813-john hand , placing the bread in [my]2813-john grasp and nodding at it , [his]306-jesse silent instruction to eat . ‘ Told [me]2813-john what . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ask before wrapping [my]2813-john lips around the edge . ‘ [He]306-jesse ’s staying in [London]3-london for a while . ’[2813-john] [Mum]246-mum starts cutting the fat off [[my]2813-john dad]56-darling ’s bacon , and [I]2813-john cough . ‘ [He]306-jesse ’s what ? ’[246-mum] ‘ Staying in [London]3-london , [darling]56-darling . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john swing [my]2813-john eyes across [the room]254-the room to where [Dan]464-dan is sitting with [aunty Angela]57-angel , but clearly not listening to [her]57-angel babbling . No , [his]464-dan full attention is on [Kate]2774-kate . ‘ Why ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ask . ‘ [I]2813-john thought [he]464-dan has [the surf school]2978-the surf school to expand . ’[2813-john] This is bad news . [I]2813-john drop [my]2813-john toast on [my]2813-john plate and [Jesse]306-jesse immediately picks it up and puts it back in [my]2813-john hand . ‘ [He]464-dan says there ’s no rush , and [I]306-jesse ’m[306-jesse] not complaining . ’ [Mum]246-mum accepts a coffee from [Pete]95-lusso , and then [he]464-dan places one in front of [me]306-jesse , too . ‘[306-jesse] No chocolate and no sugar , ’ [he]464-dan confirms . [I]95-lusso look up at [him]464-dan and smile fondly . ‘[95-lusso] Thank [you]582-you , [Pete]95-lusso ’ [I]95-lusso place [my]95-lusso toact back on [my]95-lusso plate and [Jesse]306-jesse immediately picks it up again . ‘[95-lusso] Eat . ’ [He]464-dan thrusts it in [my]95-lusso hand . ‘[95-lusso] [I]2813-john do n’t want the fucking toast ! ’ [I]536-ava spit harshly , halting all chopping and sipping at [our]2979-our table . ‘[536-ava] [Ava]536-ava . Mouth ! ’ [Jesse]306-jesse recoils , and [I]2813-john can feel [[my]2813-john mum]2774-kate and [dad]95-lusso ’s shocked stares from across the table . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] shocked [myself]2813-john , but [I]2813-john do n’t need [him]95-lusso trying to force feed [me]2813-john , and [I]2813-john most definitely do n’t need [Dan]464-dan hanging around and complicating an already complicated situation . What is [he]464-dan playing at ? [I]2813-john ’m not naive enough to think that [his]464-dan dislike of [Jesse]306-jesse and concern for [me]2813-john is [his]464-dan reason for staying . [I]2813-john ignore [Jesse]306-jesse ’s incredulous stare and [[my]2813-john parent]2981-my parent ’s dumbstruck faces , and get up from the table . ‘[2813-john] Where are [you]583-your going ? ’ [Jesse]306-jesse stands with [me]536-ava . ‘[536-ava] [Ava]536-ava , sit down . ’ [His]536-ava tone is warning , even in front of [[my]536-ava parents]2767-my parents , but [I]536-ava should know by now that [he]536-ava could n’t give a flying fuck where [he]536-ava is and who is present . [He]536-ava ’ll be mad at [me]536-ava or ravish [me]536-ava wherever and whenever [he]536-ava likes . [[My]536-ava parents]2767-my parents are n’t going to stop [him]536-ava . ‘[536-ava] Sit down and eat [your]583-your breakfast , [Jesse]306-jesse . ’ [I]306-jesse go to pass [him]536-ava , but [his]536-ava hand flies out and grasps [my]306-jesse wrist . ‘[306-jesse] Excuse [me]2813-john ? ’ [He]536-ava laughs . [I]2813-john look [him]536-ava straight in the eye . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john said , sit down and eat [your]583-your breakfast . ’ ‘[2813-john] Yes , [I]2813-john thought [you]583-your did . ’ [He]536-ava pulls [me]536-ava back down onto [my]536-ava chair and places [my]536-ava toast in [my]536-ava hand , then leans into [me]536-ava , pressing [his]536-ava mouth to [my]536-ava ear . ‘[536-ava] [Ava]536-ava , this is n’t the time or the place for [you]583-your to start throwing [your]583-your weight around . And have a little respect in front of [[your]583-your parents]2767-my parents . ’ [His]536-ava hand moves to [my]2813-john knee and strokes up the inside of [my]2813-john bare thigh . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john like this dress . ’ [he]536-ava whispers . [I]306-jesse smile sweetly at [[my]306-jesse parents]2767-my parents across the table , who have resumed eating [their]2767-my parents breakfast . [He]536-ava has nerve . Have some respect for [[my]306-jesse parents]2767-my parents ? [My]306-jesse teeth clench when [he]536-ava brushes the seam of [my]306-jesse knickers and blows in [my]306-jesse ear . [He]536-ava was losing the battle , so [he]536-ava saturates [me]306-jesse with [his]536-ava touch to regain the power . Damn [him]536-ava . [I]306-jesse squeeze [my]306-jesse thighs together and pick up [my]306-jesse coffee with shaking hands while [he]536-ava continues to wreak havoc on [me]306-jesse with [his]536-ava hot breath in [my]306-jesse ear , and [[my]306-jesse parents]2767-my parents continue happily with [their]2767-my parents breakfast . [They]2767-my parents ’ve spent time with [us]2767-my parents , and [they]2767-my parents have fast become used to [Jesse]306-jesse ’s craving for constant contact . [He]536-ava pulls away and hits [me]306-jesse with a smug , satisfied stare . Yes , [he]536-ava ’s won now , but only because [he]536-ava ’s absolutely right . This really is n’t the time or the place , especially with [[my]306-jesse mum]2774-kate and [dad]264-matt [here]2799-here . [I]306-jesse know [Jesse]306-jesse wo n’t be all that delighted by the news [[my]306-jesse mum]2774-kate has just disclosed , either . ‘[306-jesse] [Jesse]306-jesse is right , [Ava]536-ava . ’ [Dad]2779-dad pipes up , completely shocking [me]306-jesse . ‘[306-jesse] [You]585-you should watch [your]585-you language . ’ ‘[306-jesse] Yes , ’ [[My]306-jesse mum]2774-kate agrees quickly . ‘[306-jesse] It ’s not very ladylike . ’ [I]306-jesse do n’t have to look at [[my]306-jesse husband]420-my husband to know [his]420-my husband smugness has just expanded ‘[306-jesse] Thank [you]585-you , [Joseph]464-dan , ’ [His]464-dan knee knocks [mine]306-jesse under the table , and [I]464-dan knock [him]464-dan right back . ‘[464-dan] So when are [you]585-you two honeymooning ? ’ [Mum]246-mum smiles across the table at [us]2987-us . ‘[420-my husband] When [[my]2813-john wife]420-my husband says so . ’ [Jesse]306-jesse replies dryly , eyeing [my]420-my husband toast . ‘[420-my husband] When will that be , [lady]420-my husband ? ’ [I]420-my husband nibble a corner of toast and shrug . ‘[420-my husband] When [I]2813-john have time . [I]2813-john ’ve got a lot to sort out at work . [[My]2813-john husband]420-my husband knows that . ’ [I]420-my husband turn accusing eyes on [him]420-my husband , and [he]420-my husband grins at [me]420-my husband . ‘[420-my husband] What are [you]585-you grinning at ? ’ [I]585-you ask . ‘[585-you] [You]585-you . ’ ‘[585-you] What about [me]2813-john ? ’ ‘[585-you] Everything about [you]585-you . [Your]585-you beauty , [your]585-you spirit , [your]585-you need to drive [me]2813-john insanely crazy . ’ [He]420-my husband reaches over and straightens [my]585-you diamond . ‘[585-you] And the fact [you]585-you ’re [mine]585-you . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john see [[my]2813-john mother]2774-kate is [my]2813-john peripheral vision swaying with giddiness at [[my]2813-john challenging man]258-my challenging man and [his]258-my challenging man open need to drown [me]2813-john in [his]258-my challenging man adoration . ‘ Oh , [Joseph]464-dan . ’[2774-kate] [she]2774-kate croons . ‘ Do [you]464-dan remember being that much in love ? ‘[2774-kate] No , [I]2813-john do n’t . ’ [Dad]2779-dad laughs . ‘[2813-john] Come on , [I]2813-john want to get on [the road]577-the road . ’ [He]420-my husband brushes [his]420-my husband mouth with [his]420-my husband napkin and stands . [Mum]246-mum does n’t reply . [She]246-mum ’s too busy smiling fondly across the table at [us]2988-us . [[My]2813-john dad]2779-dad leaves [the restaurant]2975-the restaurant , and [I]2813-john turn [my]2813-john attention to [Kate]2774-kate . [She]2774-kate looks terrible , [her]2774-kate skin looking even paler than usual and [her]2774-kate vibrant red hair appearing dull . [She]2774-kate ’s picking at some cornflakes while [Sam]2844-sam chats buoyantly to [her]2774-kate , seemingly oblivious to [her]2774-kate despondent state . It ’s obvious that [she]2774-kate ’s struggling with more than just [a bad head and a queasy tummy]2990-a bad head and a queasy tummy . [Sam]2844-sam ca n’t be that ignorant . [My]2813-john eyes leave [Sam]2844-sam and [Kate]2774-kate and travel back across [the room]254-the room to [Dan]464-dan . [He]464-dan ’s still staring at [her]2774-kate . ‘[2813-john] [You]590-you ’ve noticed it , too ? ’ [Jesse]306-jesse asks quietly when [he]464-dan ’s obviously caught the direction of [my]2813-john gaze . ‘[2813-john] Yes , but [I]2813-john ’ve been warned to mind [my]2813-john own business . ’ [I]590-you answer without taking [my]590-you eyes from [Dan]464-dan . ‘[590-you] [You]590-you have , but [I]2813-john did n’t say [you]590-you could n’t tell [[your]590-you brother]419-your brother to back off . ’ [My]2813-john eyes shoot to [Jesse]306-jesse ’s profile , but [he]306-jesse ignores [my]2813-john shock and stands when [[my]2813-john mum]2774-kate rises from the table . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’ll be back soon to say [my]2813-john goodbyes . ’ [She]2774-kate brushes [her]2774-kate skirt down and leaves [the room]254-the room , giving [Kate]2774-kate a shoulder rub en - route . [Kate]2774-kate smiles a little , then looks over at [me]71-my brother , but quickly diverts [her]71-my brother eyes elsewhere . [I]71-my brother sigh to [myself]71-my brother and wonder what on earth [I]71-my brother ’m[71-my brother] going to say to [[my]2813-john usually fiery friend]71-my brother . [She]71-my brother looks in complete turmoil , but [I]2813-john ca n’t help but be mad with [her]71-my brother . [I]2813-john quickly remember what [Jesse]306-jesse said before [[my]2813-john mum]2774-kate left the table . ‘ [You]71-my brother want [me]2813-john to warn [[my]2813-john brother]71-my brother off ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ask . [He]71-my brother looks at [me]2813-john carefully as [he]71-my brother sits back down . ‘ [I]71-my brother think [he]71-my brother needs to be told . [I]71-my brother do n’t want to upset [you]71-my brother by doing it [myself]71-my brother , so perhaps [you]71-my brother should have a word with [him]71-my brother . ’[71-my brother] [I]2813-john ’ve already tried to have a word , and [I]2813-john know it fell on deaf ears , but [I]2813-john wo n’t be telling [Jesse]306-jesse that because it will undoubtedly prompt [him]71-my brother to intervene . ‘ [I]2813-john ’ll speak to [him]71-my brother . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john put [my]2813-john unfinished toast back on the plate . ‘ And before [you]306-jesse start , [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] not hungry . ’ ‘[594-you] [You]594-you need to eat , [baby]306-jesse . ’ [He]71-my brother makes a play for [my]2813-john breakfast again , and [I]2813-john slap [my]2813-john hand over [his]71-my brother . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m not hungry . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john load [my]2813-john voice with lashing of confidence . ‘ Can [we]2994-we go [home]2904-home now ? ’[2813-john] [He]71-my brother shifts [his]71-my brother hand and grips [mine]2813-john firmly , looking at [me]2813-john thoughtfully . ‘ [We]2994-we can go [home]2904-home now . Come on . ’[71-my brother] * * * After seeing [[my]2813-john parents]2767-my parents off , ignoring [[my]2813-john brother]71-my brother and telling [Kate]2774-kate [I]2813-john ’ll call [her]2774-kate later , [I]2813-john ’m deposited in [the DBS]2996-the dbs and taken back to [Lusso]95-lusso . [[My]2813-john home]2904-home — [the place where [Jesse]306-jesse and [I]2813-john will live together as [husband]2997-husband and [wife]2844-sam]2904-home . [I]2813-john open the door and step out , letting out a shocked yelp when [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] swept off [my]2813-john feet . ‘ [I]2813-john have legs . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john laugh , linking [my]2813-john hands over [his]71-my brother neck . ‘ And [I]71-my brother have arms , and [they]2999-they were made to hold [you]599-you . ’[71-my brother] [He]71-my brother plants a chaste kiss on [my]2813-john lips and kicks the car door shut before striding into [the foyer of [Lusso]95-lusso]598-the foyer of lusso . ‘ [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] putting [you]599-you in [our]600-our bed , and [I]2813-john ’m not letting [you]599-you out until morning . ’[2813-john] ‘ Deal . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john agree , but [he]71-my brother better be set for some hard action . [I]2813-john ’m not feeling like fucking softly . [My]90-clive attention moves to the concierge desk when [Jesse]306-jesse stops abruptly and [his]306-jesse eyes widen . [My]90-clive eyes widen slightly , too . Standing behind the desk with a phone to [his]306-jesse ear is [a man]448-a man — and it ’s not [Clive]90-clive . It most certainly is not [Clive]90-clive . [I]90-clive purse [my]90-clive lips and grin to [myself]90-clive . Oh , this is going to provoke some serious possessive , trampling - like behaviour . [I]90-clive remain silent as [I]90-clive assess the situation . It does n’t take much assessing , though . [Jesse]306-jesse is standing in the middle of [the foyer]3001-the foyer , the new concierge is still speaking on the phone , and [they]3002-they are both staring at each other . The new concierge ’s eyes fall on [me]90-clive , and [I]90-clive almost laugh when [I]90-clive hear a growl emanate from [Jesse]306-jesse . Oh good Lord , [this poor man]448-a man is going to get trampled to within an inch of [his]448-a man life . [I]90-clive firm up [my]90-clive grip on [Jesse]306-jesse ’s shoulders and wait for [him]448-a man to take the initiative and walk on , but [he]448-a man ’s rooted to the spot . ‘[90-clive] Where ’s [Clive]90-clive ? ’ [he]448-a man asks [the new guy]448-a man , disregarding [his]448-a man phone conversation . [I]90-clive wriggle a little to try and free [myself]90-clive , but [Jesse]306-jesse just flips [me]90-clive a glare and tightens [his]306-jesse hold . ‘[90-clive] Stay where [you]2813-john are , [lady]2813-john . ’ ‘[2813-john] [You]2813-john ’re behaving like [a caveman]3003-a caveman . ’[2813-john] ‘ Shut up , [Ava]536-ava . ’[90-clive] [He]90-clive returns burning greens of displeasure back to [the poor , young concierge , who has since ended [his]90-clive call]602-the new concierge . ‘ [Clive]90-clive . ’[306-jesse] [Jesse]306-jesse prompts shortly . [The new concierge]602-the new concierge steps out from behind the desk , and [I]2813-john ca n’t help it when [my]2813-john eyes naturally run the full length of [him]602-the new concierge . [He]602-the new concierge ’s cute . [His]602-the new concierge blonde hair is neatly trimmed , [his]602-the new concierge brown eyes are happy , and [his]602-the new concierge tall frame is lean . [He]602-the new concierge ’s nowhere near [Jesse]306-jesse ’s league , but [he]602-the new concierge ’s still a bloke and that makes [him]602-the new concierge a threat — in [Jesse]306-jesse ’s world . ‘ [I]602-the new concierge ’ll be working alongside [Clive]90-clive , [sir]95-lusso . [I]602-the new concierge was supposed to start [my]602-the new concierge new position some time ago , ’[602-the new concierge] [he]602-the new concierge says warily . ‘ Personal reasons delayed the commencement of [my]602-the new concierge employment here . ’[602-the new concierge] [He]602-the new concierge walks forward and puts [his]602-the new concierge hand out to [Jesse]306-jesse . ‘ [I]95-lusso ’m[95-lusso] [Casey]95-lusso , [sir]95-lusso . [I]2813-john look forward to assisting [you]95-lusso with anything [you]95-lusso may … well , need assistance with . ’ [He]602-the new concierge shifts awkwardly . [I]306-jesse wriggle again to free [myself]306-jesse , feeling like a complete idiot locked in [[my]306-jesse possessive [Lord]3004-lord]3004-lord ’s grasp while [the new concierge]602-the new concierge introduces [himself]602-the new concierge . [He]602-the new concierge seems sweet and sincere enough , but [Jesse]306-jesse is n’t letting [me]306-jesse go . ‘[306-jesse] [Mr Ward]306-jesse . ’ [Jesse]306-jesse says shortly , ignoring [Casey]95-lusso ’s outstretched hand . ‘[306-jesse] Nice to meet [you]95-lusso , [Casey]95-lusso . ’ [I]95-lusso put [my]95-lusso hand out to [him]602-the new concierge , but [Jesse]306-jesse steps back . Oh for the love of [God]306-jesse ! [I]95-lusso look at [him]602-the new concierge , noting [his]602-the new concierge eyes planted firmly on [the young man in front of [us]3007-us]3006-the young man in front of us . [He]602-the new concierge ’s being ridiculous . [I]95-lusso force [myself]95-lusso from [his]602-the new concierge grip with some effort and step forward , offering [my]95-lusso hand again . ‘[95-lusso] Welcome to [Lusso]95-lusso , [Casey]95-lusso . ’ [I]95-lusso smile , and [he]602-the new concierge takes [my]95-lusso hand , shaking it mildly . [The poor guy]3008-the poor guy wo n’t come back if [I]95-lusso do n’t intervene . [Clive]90-clive has been [here]2799-here non - stop since [the residents]3010-the residents moved in . [He]3008-the poor guy ’s no spring chicken . [He]3008-the poor guy needs the relief . ‘[95-lusso] Thank [you]95-lusso , [Ava]536-ava . Nice to meet [you]95-lusso , too . ’ [He]3008-the poor guy smiles , and it ’s a cute smile , but [I]95-lusso do n’t miss the cautious look that [he]3008-the poor guy directs over [my]95-lusso shoulder . ‘[95-lusso] Oh , [you]95-lusso ’re in [the penthouse]3011-the penthouse ? ’[95-lusso] ‘ Yes , that ’s [us]536-ava . ’[95-lusso] ‘ [Maintenance]96-maintenance called to say [your]95-lusso new front door has arrived from [Italy]7-italy . ’[95-lusso] ‘ That ’s great , thank [you]95-lusso . ‘[95-lusso] ‘ Have maintenance fit it without delay . ’[306-jesse] [Jesse]306-jesse snorts . ‘ Already done , [sir]95-lusso . ’[95-lusso] [Casey]95-lusso smiles proudly , grabbing some keys from [his]306-jesse desk and holding [them]603-them up . ’ [Jesse]306-jesse swipes [them]603-them from [the poor guy]3008-the poor guy ’s hand before virtually throwing [his]3008-the poor guy car keys at [him]306-jesse . ‘[95-lusso] Bring the cases up . ’ [I]95-lusso ’m[95-lusso] pulled towards [the elevator]604-the elevator in an amused daze , and as [I]2813-john knew [I]2813-john would be , [I]2813-john ’m pushed inside and then up against the mirrored wall . ‘[306-jesse] [He]306-jesse fancies [you]306-jesse . ’ [Jessee]97-jessee growls . ‘[306-jesse] [You]306-jesse think [everyone]2825-everyone fancies [me]2813-john . ’ ‘[306-jesse] That is because [they]2825-everyone do . But [you]306-jesse ’re [mine]2813-john . ’[306-jesse] [He]306-jesse slams [his]306-jesse lips to [mine]2813-john and takes [me]2813-john fiercely , pushing [me]2813-john up the wall with the pressure of [his]306-jesse body . [I]2813-john ’m delighted . This is not gentle [Jesse]306-jesse . This is powerful , forceful , dominant [Jesse]306-jesse , and [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] bracing [myself]2813-john for a fuck to make up for all the ones [I]2813-john ’ve been missing out on . [I]2813-john throw [my]2813-john arms around [his]306-jesse shoulders and tackle [him]306-jesse with as much force — probably more . ‘ [I]306-jesse ’m[306-jesse] [yours]306-jesse . ’ [I]306-jesse pant between hard lashes of [his]306-jesse tongue . ‘[306-jesse] [You]306-jesse do n’t need to reassure [me]2813-john . ’ [His]306-jesse hand feels up [my]306-jesse leg and cups [me]306-jesse harshly , triggering hot wetness to invade [me]306-jesse and an excited thud to attack [my]306-jesse core . [I]306-jesse really need this . [His]306-jesse finger slips past the seam of [my]306-jesse lace . ‘[306-jesse] Wet . ’ [he]306-jesse purrs into [my]306-jesse mouth . ‘[306-jesse] Just for [me]2813-john . Understand ? ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john understand . ’ [My]2813-john muscles grip [his]306-jesse finger as [he]306-jesse enters [me]2813-john . ‘[2813-john] More . ’ [I]2813-john beg unashamedly . [I]2813-john need more . [He]306-jesse separates [our]3013-our mouths and withdraws [his]306-jesse finger , re - entering with two . ‘[2813-john] Like that ? ’ [He]306-jesse pushes hard and high . ‘[536-ava] Like that , [Ava]536-ava ? ’ [My]536-ava head falls back against the mirror , [my]536-ava mouth gaped , [my]536-ava eyes closed . ‘[536-ava] Just like that . ’ ‘[536-ava] Or would [you]536-ava prefer [my]2813-john cock slamming into [you]536-ava ? ’ [His]306-jesse voice is carnal and a massive surprise , given [his]306-jesse delicate approach to [my]536-ava body in recent weeks . If this is the effect that [Casey]95-lusso will have on [[my]536-ava Lord]2765-my lord , then [I]536-ava hope [he]606-a sensible girl stays forever . [I]536-ava ’m[536-ava] being claimed and reminded of who [I]2813-john belong to — not that [I]2813-john ever need a reminder , but [I]2813-john ’ll always take it . [I]2813-john drop [my]2813-john head and find [his]606-a sensible girl greens , then reach forward and slip the buttons of [his]606-a sensible girl fly free , before sliding [my]2813-john hand into [his]606-a sensible girl boxers and wrapping [my]2813-john palm around [his]606-a sensible girl hot , throbbing cock . [He]606-a sensible girl pulls in a short breath . ‘ [You]606-a sensible girl have n’t answered [my]606-a sensible girl question . ’[606-a sensible girl] ‘ [I]2813-john want this . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john squeeze [his]606-a sensible girl base and draw a long stroke to the tip . ‘ [I]606-a sensible girl want [you]606-a sensible girl inside [me]606-a sensible girl . ’[606-a sensible girl] [He]606-a sensible girl sweeps one last circle with [his]606-a sensible girl fingers before removing them and lifting [me]2813-john to [his]606-a sensible girl body , [my]2813-john legs wrapping around [his]606-a sensible girl waist , [my]2813-john hands seeking out [his]606-a sensible girl nape . ‘ [I]2813-john knew [you]606-a sensible girl were [a sensible girl]606-a sensible girl . ’[2813-john] The elevator doors open , [I]2813-john ’m carried out into [the penthouse foyer]609-the master suite , where the door is opened without delay , and [we]607-we ’re[2813-john] quickly on [our]607-we way [upstairs]2927-upstairs to [the master suite]609-the master suite . ‘ [You]606-a sensible girl make [me]2813-john a desperate fucking mess , [Ava]536-ava . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m placed on the edge of the bed and [my]2813-john dress is pulled up over [my]2813-john head quickly before [he]610-his yanks [his]610-his t - shirt off , kicks [his]610-his Converse to the side and pushes [his]610-his jeans down [his]610-his legs , taking [his]610-his white boxers with [them]3015-them . [He]610-his really is desperate , and [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] all the more delighted for it . [He]610-his ’s going to fuck [me]2813-john . [I]2813-john ’m pushed back onto the bed and [my]2813-john knickers are pulled down [my]2813-john legs , [my]2813-john bra disposed of just as quickly . [He]610-his ’s working fast , but it ’s still not quick enough . [My]2813-john impatience is [my]2813-john undoing — that and [his]610-his glorious nakedness looming over [me]2813-john . [I]2813-john need to touch [him]610-his . [I]2813-john sit up and slide [my]2813-john hands around [his]610-his solid arse and pull [him]610-his forward so [he]610-his ’s standing between [my]2813-john spread thighs , [his]610-his lower stomach at [my]2813-john eyelevel . Placing [my]2813-john lips gently in [his]610-his abdomen , [I]2813-john trail kisses across to [his]610-his scar , but it does n’t make [me]2813-john wince anymore . It ’s a massive imperfection , a mar on [his]610-his beautiful body , but it just makes [him]610-his all the more perfect to [me]2813-john . [My]2813-john perfect imperfect Adonis . [[My]2813-john God]420-my husband . [[My]2813-john husband]420-my husband . [I]2813-john feel [his]420-my husband fingers thread through [my]2813-john hair , and [my]2813-john eyes creep up the firmness of [his]420-my husband abs , then [his]420-my husband chest , until [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] staring into green eyes filled with … love . Not hunger or carnal want — it ’s love . [He]611-his ’s not going to fuck [me]2813-john , [he]611-his ’s going to make sweet love , and [he]611-his does it so well , but [I]2813-john ’m desperate for [his]611-his ferocity , desperate for [him]611-his to stop treating [me]2813-john like [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] breakable . [My]2813-john hands flow back down [his]611-his torso until [my]2813-john palms are resting on the edges of [his]611-his perfect V. [I]2813-john lean in and kiss [his]611-his stomach again before working [my]2813-john way up , standing as [I]2813-john go until [I]2813-john ’m feeling [his]611-his neck out and pulling [him]611-his down to meet [my]2813-john lips . [I]2813-john lift [myself]2813-john gracefully to [his]611-his body and link [my]2813-john legs around [his]611-his waist , feeling [his]611-his arm snake around [me]2813-john , holding [me]2813-john to [him]611-his as [he]611-his accepts [my]2813-john demand for mouth contact . Heavy mouth contact . Indulgent mouth contact . All consuming mouth contact . [He]611-his does n’t lower [me]2813-john to the bed . [He]611-his walks [me]2813-john into [the bathroom]2800-the bathroom and straddles [the chaise lounge]3018-the chaise lounge , standing [me]2813-john over [him]611-his . [He]611-his looks up at [me]2813-john . ‘[2813-john] [We]612-our need to make [friends]390-friends . ’ [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] yanked down and [our]612-our mouths crash together . ‘ [No one]548-no one will ever stop [me]614-he taking [you]614-he , [Ava]536-ava . ’[614-he] [he]614-he says around [our]612-our lips relentless colliding and tongue battling . ‘ Good . ’[614-he] [I]2813-john pull at [his]614-he hair , trying to draw out [his]614-he animalistic traits . [He]614-he knows what [I]2813-john want and need right now , [he]614-he damn well knows it , and [he]614-he ’s going to give it to [me]2813-john . ‘ [[My]614-he girl]3020-my girl wants it hard . ’[614-he] [He]614-he breaks away , and [I]2813-john ’m the one growling this time . [He]614-he stares up at [me]2813-john , panting and sweating . [He]614-he wants to give it [me]2813-john as well ; [I]2813-john can see it in the glaze of [his]614-he green stare . [They]3021-they ’re[2813-john] smoking out , darkening with desperation . [I]2813-john make [him]614-he desperate . [I]2813-john ’m gently tugged down as [he]614-he holds [himself]614-he upright , ready to enter [me]2813-john , but [I]2813-john stiffen , preventing [him]614-he from seizing [me]2813-john . [I]2813-john might be desperate for [him]614-he , but [I]2813-john still have to maintain [my]2813-john sensibility , just like [I]2813-john ’ve done over the past few weeks . [He]614-he ’s not wearing a condom , and judging by the sharper tug of [my]2813-john arm , [he]614-he knows exactly why [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] holding back . ‘ [Jesse]306-jesse , ’[2813-john] [My]2813-john breathlessness is completely giving away [my]2813-john pent up lust . ‘ [Ava]536-ava , [I]615-you ’m[615-you] taking [you]615-you now , and [you]615-you ’re not going to stop [me]616-his with trivial fucking requests . ’[616-his] [He]616-his yanks [me]2813-john down and seals [our]617-our lips , working into [my]2813-john mouth with deadly determination . [I]2813-john do n’t try to resist , and [I]2813-john really do n’t want to . This might be the hard fuck [I]2813-john ’ve been waiting for . [He]616-his keeps [our]617-our mouths locked , and then levels [himself]616-his up and slides straight in . [My]2813-john legs naturally snake around [his]616-his waist and lock at the ankles , pulling [us]617-our closer together . ‘ Oh Jesus , ’[616-his] [he]616-his pants against [my]2813-john mouth . ‘ Fucking perfect . ’[616-his] It does feel perfect . [I]2813-john ’m swiftly reminded of the perfection that is no barrier between [us]617-our . Just flesh on flesh . [Me]2813-john on [him]616-his . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] gasping into [his]616-his shoulder and digging [my]2813-john nails into [his]616-his biceps . ‘ Move . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john demand . ‘ Please move . ’[2813-john] ‘ In time , [baby]306-jesse . Just let [me]616-his feel [you]306-jesse for a moment . ’[616-his] [He]616-his takes [my]2813-john hands and guides them around the back of [his]616-his neck where [my]2813-john fingers naturally feel out [his]616-his hair and tug gently . Then [his]616-his big hands slowly skate down [my]2813-john sides , over [my]2813-john breasts and onto [my]2813-john waist . [He]616-his holds [me]2813-john still . The only sounds in the air around [us]618-us are [our]618-us strained breaths . [They]618-us are heavy and desperate . Tightening [his]616-his grip on [my]2813-john waist , [he]616-his lifts [me]2813-john on a deep moan before letting [me]2813-john slide gently back down onto [him]616-his . [My]2813-john eyes close in pure , comforted bliss , and [I]2813-john gasp , removing [my]2813-john hands from [his]616-his hair so [I]2813-john can get them onto the firm warmth of [his]616-his chest . [I]2813-john marvel at [his]616-his solid , bunched muscles , just flawless hardness before [me]2813-john , screaming to be touched , begging [me]2813-john to feel [his]616-his perfection . [My]2813-john insatiable hands wander all over [him]616-his and smooth across [his]616-his pecs as [I]2813-john ’m lifted from [his]616-his body again and grinded down , slowly and meticulously . ‘[2813-john] Do n’t try to tell [me]2813-john it does n’t feel right . ’ [he]616-his moans . ‘[2813-john] Do n’t try to tell [me]2813-john this is n’t how [we]619-we ’re supposed to be . ’[616-his] [He]616-his works [me]2813-john around , circling [his]616-his groin firmly . ‘ Not ever . ’[616-his] ‘ Do n’t come inside [me]2813-john . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john might be overwhelmed with [his]616-his potency , but a small part of [me]2813-john is still aware of what [I]2813-john ’m doing . ‘[2813-john] Do n’t tell [me]2813-john what to do with [your]620-your body , [Ava]536-ava . Kiss [me]2813-john . ’ [I]616-his ’m[616-his] blinded by [his]616-his carnal words and [his]616-his claim over [me]2813-john , [my]2813-john body refusing to deny [him]616-his . [He]616-his ’s holding the power , and [he]616-his knows it . [My]2813-john mouth drops to [his]616-his and [my]2813-john body presses into [him]616-his , a clear invitation to take [me]2813-john how [he]616-his pleases . [His]616-his head tilts back to maintain [our]621-our mouth contact as [I]2813-john ’m raised again and plunged back onto [him]616-his . [I]2813-john groan into [his]616-his mouth — a low , alluring message of submittal . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] not thinking straight . [My]2813-john mind is scrambled by [his]616-his energy , the painfully accurate momentum and strikes of [his]616-his hips , sending [me]2813-john into delirious indulgence . [I]2813-john hum as [I]2813-john ’m slowly and easily lifted , time and time again . The pressure of [him]616-his pushing into the deepest part of [me]622-you is pleasure embodied . ‘[622-you] [You]622-you feel so good . ’ [I]306-jesse pant . ‘[306-jesse] [Jesse]306-jesse , fuck [me]2813-john . ’ [I]306-jesse need this harder . ‘[306-jesse] Mouth , [Ava]536-ava . ’ [he]616-his scorns [me]536-ava . ‘[536-ava] Just like this . [We]623-i stay just like this . ’ [His]616-his eyes clench shut and [he]616-his goes rigid against [me]623-i . [He]616-his ’s being too gentle with [me]623-i . [I]623-i need shock and awe . [I]623-i need [him]616-his to take [me]623-i hard . It has been like this for weeks . And [I]623-i know why . ‘[623-i] Why are [you]622-you being so gentle with [me]2813-john ? ’ [I]623-i nuzzle into [his]616-his neck , sucking and biting at [him]616-his . ‘[623-i] Sleepy sex . ’ [he]616-his moans . ‘[623-i] [I]2813-john do n’t want sleepy sex . ’ That wo n’t have the desired effect . Yes , [I]623-i ’ll come , [I]623-i ’ll moan in pleasure and shake all over [him]616-his , but [I]623-i need to scream a release . [I]623-i need scrubbing , not dabbing . ‘[623-i] Fuck [me]2813-john , [Jesse]306-jesse . ’ [He]616-his sucks in a sharp breath as [I]306-jesse force [myself]306-jesse down , hard . ‘[306-jesse] Mouth , [Ava]536-ava . [Jesus]306-jesse ! ’ ‘[306-jesse] Yes ! ’ [I]536-ava lift and smash back down . ‘[536-ava] [Ava]536-ava ! ’ [He]616-his holds [me]536-ava still above [him]616-his . ‘[536-ava] No , damn it . ’ [I]536-ava can feel [him]616-his throbbing inside [me]536-ava , [his]616-his heaving chest pushing against [my]536-ava torso . [I]536-ava ’m[536-ava] panting into [his]306-jesse neck , [my]2813-john fists clenched in [his]306-jesse hair . [I]2813-john tighten [my]2813-john grasp . ‘ Stop treating [me]2813-john like glass . ’[2813-john] ‘ [You]2813-john are glass to [me]2813-john , [baby]2813-john . Delicate . ’[2813-john] ‘ But [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] not breakable . [I]2813-john was n’t two weeks ago , and [I]2813-john ’m not now . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john try to lift [myself]2813-john , [I]2813-john need movement , but [he]306-jesse ’s got a harsh hold on [me]2813-john . This is another reason why [I]2813-john hope to [God]306-jesse [I]2813-john ’m not pregnant . [I]2813-john ca n’t stand this . [I]2813-john pull out of [his]306-jesse neck and look into [his]306-jesse eyes . ‘[2813-john] Hard . [I]2813-john need [you]624-me hard . ’ [He]306-jesse shakes [his]306-jesse head . ‘[98-sleepy] [Sleepy]98-sleepy . ’ ‘[98-sleepy] Why ? ’ [I]98-sleepy ask . Will [he]306-jesse admit to what [I]98-sleepy already know ? ‘[98-sleepy] Because [I]2813-john do n’t want to hurt [you]624-me . ’ [he]306-jesse whispers . [I]98-sleepy try to keep a hold of [my]98-sleepy temper . Does n’t want to hurt [me]98-sleepy , or does n’t want to hurt [[his]306-jesse baby]3023-his baby , who may not even exist ? ‘[98-sleepy] [You]624-me wo n’t . ’ [I]624-me feel [him]306-jesse relax slightly , so [I]624-me take the opportunity to whip [myself]624-me up and right back down on a sharp , satisfied shout . [He]306-jesse shouts , too . [I]624-me know [he]306-jesse wants to smash into [me]624-me , wants to take [me]624-me hard , rule [me]624-me and indulge [me]624-me , but [he]306-jesse wo n’t and it ’s driving [me]624-me fucking insane . ‘[624-me] Fuck ! ’ [he]306-jesse yelps , ‘[536-ava] Fucking hell , [Ava]536-ava ! No ! ’ ‘[536-ava] Do it , ’ [I]2813-john grasp [his]306-jesse face and take [his]306-jesse mouth hungrily . If [I]2813-john keep on , [I]2813-john ’ll have [him]306-jesse . ‘[2813-john] Own [me]2813-john . ’ [I]2813-john demand , skating [my]2813-john lips across [his]306-jesse cheek . [He]306-jesse catches them as [they]3024-they pass [his]306-jesse mouth again , and [his]306-jesse tongue enters , frantic and rushed . [I]2813-john ’ve nearly got [him]306-jesse . [I]2813-john wickedly rise and collide with [him]306-jesse again , prompting a sharp bark . ‘[2813-john] It feels good , does n’t it ? Tell [me]2813-john it feels good . ’ ‘[306-jesse] [Jesus]306-jesse , [Ava]536-ava . Please do n’t . ’ Up and down [I]306-jesse go , harder , heavier . ‘[306-jesse] Hmmm . [You]306-jesse taste good . ’ [I]536-ava ’m[536-ava] driving [him]536-ava crazy , and [I]2813-john know [he]536-ava wants this because [he]536-ava could easily stop [my]2813-john teasing moves . ‘ [I]536-ava need [you]306-jesse . ’[536-ava] Those words are [his]536-ava undoing , as [I]2813-john knew [they]625-they would be . [He]536-ava releases a frustrated yell and takes over [my]2813-john movements , squeezing [my]2813-john waist and wrenching [me]2813-john up and down on [him]536-ava . ‘ Like that . ’[536-ava] [he]536-ava shouts , almost angry , and [I]2813-john know it ’s because [he]536-ava ca n’t resist [me]2813-john . ‘ Yes ! ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john scream . [He]536-ava ’s suddenly standing , [my]2813-john legs still wrapped around [his]536-ava waist as [he]536-ava walks across [the bathroom]2800-the bathroom and trusts [me]2813-john up against the wall . ‘ [You]536-ava want it hard , [baby]536-ava ? ’[536-ava] ‘ Fuck [me]2813-john ! ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john shout , frenziedly , tightening [my]2813-john legs and moving [my]2813-john hands back into [his]536-ava dark blonde mass of hair . ‘ Damn it , [Ava]536-ava . Stop swearing ! ’[536-ava] [He]536-ava withdraws and hammers back in , over and over , [my]2813-john screams of satisfaction ringing through the air . ‘ Better ? ’[536-ava] [he]536-ava grunts , hitting [me]2813-john hard and deep . ‘ [You]536-ava wanted it , [Ava]536-ava . Is that fucking better ? ’[536-ava] [He]536-ava ’s really mad . [I]2813-john ’m pinned against the wall , absorbing [his]536-ava ferocious attack , and [I]2813-john want it even harder . [I]2813-john ’ve had two weeks of gentle [Jesse]306-jesse . [I]2813-john ’ve had enough of gentle [Jesse]306-jesse , but [I]2813-john ca n’t speak . [I]2813-john bore down on every advance , [my]2813-john signal that [I]2813-john do want it harder . [I]2813-john want it so much harder . ‘[2813-john] Answer the fucking question ! ’ ‘[2813-john] Harder ! ’ [I]2813-john scream , grappling at [his]536-ava hair . ‘[2813-john] Fuck ! ’ [His]536-ava hips piston forward repeatedly , [his]536-ava momentum and stamina staggering , and [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] loving every hard , forceful strike . This is making up for two weeks of soft and careful . The pit of [my]2813-john stomach starts to burn , and [I]2813-john ’m knocked out by [my]2813-john climax that rushes forward so fast , [I]2813-john do n’t have a chance to prepare [myself]2813-john for it . [I]2813-john explode , [my]2813-john eyes clenching shut , [my]2813-john head thrown back on a desperate scream . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m not done yet , [Ava]536-ava . ’[2813-john] [he]2813-john shouts , shifting [his]2813-john hands under [my]2813-john thighs and powering forward . Neither am [I.]2813-john That orgasm has sent [me]2813-john dizzy , but there is another on the way , assisted rapidly by [his]2813-john relentless power . [I]2813-john find [his]2813-john lips and kiss [him]2813-john deeply , tightening [my]2813-john legs around [his]2813-john hips to the point of pain and boring down as [he]2813-john thrusts up , [my]2813-john screams and [his]2813-john yells colliding between [our]627-our mouths . ‘ Yes ! ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john throw [my]2813-john head back . ‘ Oh God ! ’[2813-john] ‘ Eyes ! ’[2813-john] [he]2813-john shouts severely . [I]2813-john obey immediately and fist [my]2813-john hands in [his]2813-john hair as [he]2813-john stops dead , heaving and sweating . The fire at [my]2813-john core recedes immediately , but then [he]2813-john groans and rears back , and [I]2813-john brace [myself]2813-john for more power . [He]2813-john strikes , really hard . [My]2813-john back smashes against the wall on a shocked yell , but [he]2813-john does n’t give [me]2813-john time to gather [myself]2813-john . [He]2813-john pulls straight back and hits [me]2813-john with another forceful pound . [He]2813-john ’s lost any control [he]2813-john had . This is going to be really hard . [I]2813-john strengthen [my]2813-john grip on [his]2813-john hair and try to flex [my]2813-john legs , giving [him]2813-john the access [his]2813-john body is demanding . ‘ Hard enough for [you]2813-john , [Ava]536-ava ? ’[2813-john] [he]2813-john shouts , thrashing into [me]2813-john again . ‘ Yes ! ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john scream . [I]2813-john would n’t dream of stopping this . [He]2813-john ’s unforgiving . [He]2813-john repeatedly drives into [me]2813-john , each hit getting harder and harder . [My]2813-john mind is blanking out , [my]2813-john body has gone lax , and [I]2813-john ’m sky high on pleasure . But then [I]2813-john feel [my]2813-john back leaving the wall as [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] yanked forward and taken to the bed . [He]2813-john practically throws [me]2813-john down and flips [me]2813-john onto [my]2813-john hands and knees before taking a standing position behind [me]2813-john and grabbing [my]2813-john hips . [He]2813-john re - enters [me]2813-john on a brutal pound and a frenzied bark , yanking [me]2813-john back to meet [him]2813-john with each advance of [his]2813-john powerful hips . [My]2813-john face goes straight into the sheets , [my]2813-john hands grasping at the material , a full on sweat breaking out . [I]2813-john ’m soaking wet . ‘[306-jesse] [Jesse]306-jesse ! ’ [I]306-jesse scream [his]2813-john name in delirious , delightful despair . ‘[306-jesse] [You]306-jesse wanted it , [Ava]536-ava . Do n’t fucking complain . ’ [He]2813-john bangs into [me]536-ava again , harder still . [He]2813-john ’s releasing all of the pent up , animalistic power [he]2813-john ’s been suppressing for way too long . [He]2813-john ’s really lost control , and a small part of [me]536-ava is wondering if [he]2813-john ’s doing this on purpose — trying to shock [me]536-ava or scare [me]536-ava back into the realms of sleepy sex . [He]2813-john ’s going to fail miserably if that ’s [his]2813-john plan . [My]536-ava body needs this . [I]536-ava need this . [I]536-ava drag [my]536-ava twisted mind back to now and focus on meeting [his]2813-john power with acceptance . [I]536-ava accept all of it , the violent accumulation of pressure in [my]536-ava belly working its way straight to [my]536-ava core , ready for detonation . This is going to blow [my]536-ava brain clean out of [my]536-ava head . ‘[536-ava] Harder ! ’ [I]536-ava shout , grasping at the sheets . ‘[536-ava] [Ava]536-ava ! ’ [His]2813-john fingers flex on [my]536-ava hips and clamp down , the unforgiving hold on [my]536-ava sensitive area not bothering [me]536-ava in the slightest . [I]536-ava ’m[536-ava] too busy concentrating on the body splitting orgasm that ’s looming . And then it hits [me]2813-john , taking [me]2813-john by surprise again and sending [me]2813-john out of [this world]628-this world on pleasure . [I]2813-john scream . [He]2813-john yells . Then [I]2813-john collapse on the bed , [Jesse]306-jesse following [me]2813-john down , [his]306-jesse leanness completely covering [me]2813-john . [His]306-jesse breathing is harsh in [my]2813-john ear and [our]629-our sweat ridden bodies are flush and heaving severely . [I]2813-john feel completely replete . [I]2813-john ’m utterly exhausted , but [I]2813-john feel so much better . It feels like [us]629-our again . [He]306-jesse groans , [his]306-jesse groin circling deeply , the fire of [his]306-jesse release heating [me]2813-john and putting [me]2813-john back together again . [I]2813-john ’ve missed it . ‘[2813-john] Thank [you]630-you . ’ [I]2813-john pant , closing [my]2813-john eyes and finding immense comfort in [his]306-jesse strong , frantic heartbeat clattering against [my]2813-john back . [I]2813-john ca n’t even muster up the strength to be concerned that [he]306-jesse has just come inside [me]2813-john . Not that it really matters . [He]306-jesse does n’t say anything . The only sound in [the colossal master suite]3025-the colossal master suite is [our]629-our collective , erratic breathing . It ’s loud , it ’s heavy and it ’s satisfied . But then [he]306-jesse breaks away from [me]2813-john , and the absence of [his]306-jesse warmth coating [my]2813-john body makes [me]2813-john immediately turn over to see what [he]306-jesse ’s doing . [He]306-jesse ’s walking away , [his]306-jesse hands clenching [his]306-jesse head , as [I]2813-john watch [his]306-jesse naked back disappear into [the bathroom]2800-the bathroom . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] still fighting to get [my]2813-john heartbeat steady and [my]2813-john breathing paced , but instead of feeling sated and blissful , [I]2813-john feel uncertain and guilty . [I]2813-john ’ve made [him]222-this man lose [his]222-this man restraint . [I]2813-john ’ve pushed [him]222-this man , tempted [him]222-this man and sent [him]222-this man over the edge of self - control , and now , even though [I]2813-john got [my]2813-john way , [I]2813-john feel guilt - ridden . [He]222-this man ’s been struggling to rein in [his]222-this man command over [my]2813-john body , although why is what [I]2813-john should be worried about . Not the fact [he]222-this man has , but why [he]222-this man has . [I]2813-john know why [he]222-this man has , and that should eradicate any guilt , but it does n’t . [I]2813-john ’ve accepted that [I]2813-john ’ll never completely understand [him]222-this man . [I]2813-john ’ve accepted all of [his]222-this man flaws and challenging ways . [They]632-they are all part of [the man [I]2813-john love deeply]633-the man i love deeply — the man [I]2813-john share a connection with that is so potent , it ’s sent [us]634-us both crazy . [We]634-us share an intensity that cripples [us]634-us both . [He]222-this man appears in the bathroom doorway , still naked , still wet and with [his]222-this man chest still rising and falling noticeably . [I]2813-john ’m staring at [him]222-this man . [He]222-this man ’s staring at [me]2813-john . Sitting up and pulling [my]2813-john knees to [my]2813-john chest , [I]2813-john feel small and awkward . It should n’t be like this between [us]634-us . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’ve been taking [your]2813-john pills . ’ [His]222-this man jaw ticks and [his]222-this man neck muscles bulge . The words , spoken with no remorse or regret , widen [my]2813-john eyes and straighten [my]2813-john back . [His]222-this man face is expressionless , and even though [I]2813-john knew , [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] shocked . Hearing [him]222-this man say it aloud , confessing to it , is increasing [my]2813-john already speeding heart rate . ‘ [I]222-this man said [I]222-this man ’ve been taking [your]2813-john pills . ’[222-this man] [He]222-this man sounds angry . This ca n’t be ignored any longer . [I]2813-john can feel the dormant anger sizzling inside of [me]2813-john , pushing [me]2813-john to release it . [My]2813-john period is due tomorrow , and [I]2813-john ’m certain it ’s not going to arrive . [This man]222-this man , [[my]536-ava crazy husband]222-this man , has just completely and unashamedly confessed to stealing [my]536-ava birth control pills , and now [my]536-ava denial is converting into blood boiling fury . ‘[536-ava] [Ava]536-ava , for fuck sake , [woman]536-ava ! ’ [His]222-this man hands fly to [his]222-this man head in frustration . ‘[536-ava] [I]2813-john ’ve been taking [your]2813-john fucking pills ! ’ [I]536-ava do n’t even try to reason because there is absolutely nothing reasonable about this situation . As [I]536-ava pace towards [him]536-ava , [he]536-ava watches [me]536-ava closely , cautiously , and when [I]536-ava ’m[536-ava] standing before [him]536-ava , [I]2813-john slap [him]536-ava clean across [his]536-ava face . [My]2813-john palm in instantly on fire , but [I]2813-john ’m too angry to focus on the pain . [His]536-ava head has turned to the side , [his]536-ava eyes are down , and [I]2813-john can still only hear [our]3027-our fitful breathing , except now [they]635-they ’re[2813-john] not sated , heavy breaths , [they]635-they ’re anger fuelled gasps . [He]536-ava brings [his]536-ava face back up and before [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] aware of what [I]2813-john ’m doing , [my]2813-john hand is flying out again , but this time [he]536-ava catches [my]2813-john wrist in front of [his]536-ava face . [I]2813-john yank [myself]2813-john free and proceed to thump [his]536-ava chest with both fists in a frenzied lash out of anger . And [he]536-ava lets [me]2813-john . [He]536-ava just stands there and takes [my]2813-john deranged beating , [my]2813-john fists persistently striking [him]536-ava as [I]2813-john scream and wail . When [I]2813-john think [I]2813-john might collapse with exhaustion , [I]2813-john step back and lose control of [my]2813-john tears . ‘[2813-john] Why ? ’ [I]222-this man shout at [him]536-ava . [He]536-ava does n’t try to touch [me]222-this man or come towards [me]222-this man . [He]536-ava just remains standing in the doorway , still with no emotion on [his]536-ava face . [His]536-ava frown line is n’t even there , but [I]222-this man know [he]536-ava must be concerned , and [he]536-ava must be really concentrating on not restraining [[his]536-ava deranged wife]3028-his deranged wife . ‘[222-this man] [You]222-this man were ignoring it , [Ava]536-ava . [I]2813-john need [you]222-this man to acknowledge this . ’ [His]536-ava voice is soft and even . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john needed to spike a reaction from [you]222-this man . ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john do n’t mean why [you]222-this man ’ve told [me]2813-john . [I]2813-john knew ! [I]2813-john mean why the fuck did [you]222-this man do it ? ’ [His]536-ava frown line has arrived . So has the nibbled lip . [I]2813-john do n’t know why [he]536-ava ’s thinking so hard about this . Nothing can detract from the fact that this is plain fucked up . [He]536-ava is fucked up , and [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] fucked up for ignoring it all this time . ‘ [You]222-this man make [me]222-this man crazy . ’[222-this man] [He]222-this man shakes [his]222-this man head . ‘ [You]222-this man make [me]222-this man do crazy shit , [Ava]536-ava . ’[222-this man] ‘ So it ’s [my]2813-john fault ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john scream . ‘ [My]2813-john pills started going missing only days after [you]222-this man took [me]2813-john . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john say took because [he]222-this man actually did . [He]222-this man broke [me]2813-john down , [his]222-this man determination impossible to escape . ‘ [I]222-this man know . ’[222-this man] [His]222-this man eyes drop to the floor . Oh no ! [He]222-this man will face [me]2813-john , not look away from [me]2813-john . [I]2813-john steam back into [his]222-this man chest and grab [his]222-this man jaw , forcing [his]222-this man reluctant head up . ‘ [You]222-this man do n’t get to evade [your]222-this man reasons for this . [You]222-this man ’ve taken it upon [yourself]222-this man to dictate [my]2813-john life direction . [I]2813-john do n’t want [a fucking baby]3029-a fucking baby ! This is [my]2813-john body ! [You]222-this man do n’t get to make these decisions for [me]2813-john ! ’[2813-john] [My]2813-john voice is breaking through [my]2813-john screams . ‘ Tell [me]2813-john why the fucking hell [you]222-this man did this to [me]2813-john ! ’[2813-john] ‘ Because [I]222-this man wanted to keep [you]222-this man forever . ’[222-this man] [he]222-this man whispers . [I]2813-john drop [his]222-this man jaw and step back . ‘ [You]222-this man wanted to trap [me]2813-john ? ’[2813-john] ‘ Yes , ’[222-this man] [His]222-this man eyes drop again . ‘ Because [you]222-this man knew [I]222-this man ’d run when [I]222-this man found out about [your]222-this man business and [your]222-this man drinking problem ? ’[222-this man] ‘ Yes . ’[222-this man] [He]222-this man refuses to look at [me]2813-john . ‘ But [I]222-this man came back after [I]222-this man found out about [The Manor]226-the manor and the alcohol , yet [you]222-this man still took [my]222-this man pills . ’[222-this man] [This man]222-this man makes no sense . ‘ [You]222-this man did n’t know about [my]222-this man history then . ’[222-this man] ‘ [I]222-this man do now . ’[222-this man] ‘ [I]222-this man know . ’[222-this man] ‘ Stop saying [you]222-this man know ! ’[2813-john] [My]2813-john arms wave around in front of [him]222-this man . [I]2813-john ’m losing control again . [His]222-this man eyes lift , but [they]3031-they do n’t meet [mine]2813-john . [They]3031-they ’re[2813-john] darting around [the room]254-the room , looking at anything but [me]2813-john . [He]222-this man ’s ashamed . ‘ What do [you]222-this man want [me]222-this man to say ? ’[222-this man] [he]222-this man asks quietly . [I]2813-john do n’t even know , so [I]2813-john turn and head for the wardrobe . [I]2813-john ’ve been married to [this man]222-this man for a day and [I]2813-john ’m walking out on [him]222-this man , but [I]2813-john have no clue of what else to do . [I]2813-john grab [my]2813-john ripped jeans and yank them on . ‘[2813-john] What are [you]639-he doing ? ’ [His]222-this man voice is full of the fear [I]536-ava knew it would be . [He]222-this man ’ll never cope with this , but neither will [I]536-ava if [I]536-ava stay . This has suddenly hit [me]536-ava very hard . [I]536-ava do n’t answer [him]222-this man , instead focusing on getting [my]536-ava bra and t - shirt on before [I]536-ava yank down an overnight bag . ‘[536-ava] [Ava]536-ava , what the hell are [you]639-he doing ? ’ The bag is snatched from [my]639-he hand . ‘[639-he] [You]639-he ’re not leaving [me]639-he . ’[639-he] [His]639-he words are somewhere between a demand and a plea . ‘ [I]639-he need some space . ’[639-he] [I]2813-john seize the bag back and start stuffing [my]2813-john clothes in . ‘ Space for what ? ’[639-he] [He]639-he grips [my]2813-john arm , but [I]2813-john pull [myself]2813-john free . ‘ [Ava]536-ava , please . ’[639-he] ‘ Please what ? ’[2813-john] [My]2813-john clothes are being yanked and rammed into [my]2813-john bag viciously , but [I]2813-john fear [I]2813-john might turn on [Jesse]306-jesse again if [I]2813-john do n’t focus on this , and [I]2813-john ca n’t bring [myself]2813-john to look at [him]639-he . [I]2813-john know what [I]2813-john ’ll see . Fear . ‘ Please , [Ava]536-ava , do n’t go . ’[639-he] [I]2813-john turn and storm past [him]639-he , heading for [the bathroom]2800-the bathroom to collect [my]2813-john toiletries . [He]639-he ’s not restraining [me]2813-john , and [I]2813-john know why . It ’s the same reason [he]639-he ’s been delicate with [me]2813-john for weeks . Because [he]639-he thinks [he]639-he ’ll hurt [[his]639-he baby]3023-his baby . [He]639-he ’s behind [me]2813-john , [I]2813-john know [he]639-he is , but [I]2813-john continue gathering [my]2813-john things , fighting the overwhelming need to lash out , but at the same time , fighting the need to comfort [him]639-he . [I]2813-john ’m so confused . ‘[536-ava] [Ava]536-ava , please , let ’s talk about this . ’ [I]536-ava swing around in shock . ‘[536-ava] Talk ? ’ [He]639-he nods sheepishly . ‘[536-ava] Please . ’ ‘[536-ava] What is there to talk about ? [You]642-you ’ve done the most underhanded thing possible . Nothing [you]642-you could say will make [me]2813-john understand this . [You]642-you do not get to make these decisions . [You]642-you do not get to control [me]2813-john to this extent . This is [my]2813-john life ! ’ ‘[2813-john] But [you]642-you knew [I]2813-john was taking [them]643-them . ’ ‘[2813-john] Yes , [I]2813-john did ! But perhaps because of all the other shit [you]642-you ’ve thrown on [me]2813-john since [I]2813-john ’ve met [you]642-you , [I]2813-john did n’t consider how fucked up this really is . This is completely messed up , [Jesse]306-jesse , and [you]642-you ’ve got no redeeming reason . Wanting to keep [me]2813-john is n’t good enough . That ’s not a decision [you]642-you get to make on [your]642-you own ! ’ [I]642-you try to calm [myself]642-you , but [I]642-you ’m[642-you] fighting a losing battle . ‘ What about [me]2813-john ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john scream in [his]306-jesse face . ‘ What about what [I]2813-john want ? ’[2813-john] ‘ But [I]2813-john love [you]642-you . ’[2813-john] The grip on [my]2813-john bag tightens until [my]2813-john fingers are numb . [I]2813-john ’m seriously losing the plot . [I]536-ava walk past [him]306-jesse and quickly make [my]536-ava way [downstairs]316-downstairs . ‘[536-ava] [Ava]536-ava ! ’ [I]536-ava ignore [him]306-jesse and keep going . The anger bubbling inside [me]536-ava has shocked [me]536-ava as much as it ’s shocked [Jesse]306-jesse . This is past controlling . This is unforgivable . [I]536-ava do n’t want [a baby]2851-a baby . ‘[536-ava] [Ava]536-ava , stay . [I]2813-john ’ll do anything . ’ [His]306-jesse heavy footsteps are close behind [me]2813-john , but [he]306-jesse ’s nude , and as much as [I]2813-john know that [he]306-jesse has no shame , [I]2813-john know [he]306-jesse would n’t run out in public completely naked . When [I]2813-john reach the door , [I]2813-john turn to face [him]306-jesse . ‘[2813-john] [You]536-ava ’ll do anything ? ’ ‘[536-ava] Yes . [You]536-ava know that . ’ [His]306-jesse terrified face nearly makes [me]536-ava throw [my]536-ava arms around [his]306-jesse big shoulders . Even now , when [he]306-jesse ’s confessed to sealing [my]536-ava pills , [I]536-ava ’m[536-ava] struggling not to fall into [his]536-ava arms . But if [I]2813-john let [this one]644-this one go , then [I]2813-john ’m setting [myself]2813-john up for a lifetime of manipulating . [I]2813-john ca n’t do that . [We]3034-we need some time apart . This is too intense , and perhaps [I]2813-john should have thought about that before [I]2813-john married [him]536-ava , but it ’s too late now . [I]2813-john might have made the biggest mistake of [my]2813-john life . ‘[2813-john] Then [you]536-ava ’ll give [me]2813-john some space . ’ [I]536-ava walk out . Chapter 7 [Kate]2774-kate ’s not at [home]2904-home , so [I]536-ava let [myself]536-ava in and make [my]536-ava way [upstairs]2927-upstairs to [[my]536-ava old room]3037-my old room . After sitting on the bed for an eternity and ignoring [Massive Attack ’s Angel]8-massive attack ’s angel , [I]536-ava finally drag [myself]536-ava up and have a long shower . Under the hot spray , [I]536-ava soap everywhere , running the sponge absentmindedly all over [my]536-ava body and pausing when [I]536-ava reach [my]536-ava stomach . [I]536-ava feel devoid of any emotion . There are no natural motherly instincts in [me]536-ava that make [me]536-ava want to caress [my]536-ava tummy . [I]536-ava ’ve never given [motherhood]3038-motherhood a second thought . [I]536-ava ’m[536-ava] too young , and [I]2813-john have a flourishing career to concentrate on . This life changing decision should n’t be made for [me]2813-john . [He]645-he had no right to do this . But [he]645-he had no right to claim [me]2813-john so aggressively , yet [he]645-he did . [He]645-he has no right to dictate what [I]2813-john wear , but [he]645-he does . And [he]645-he has no right to trample all over [my]2813-john life with [his]645-he overbearing , unreasonable and challenging ways … but [he]645-he does . And [I]2813-john let [him]645-he . [I]2813-john fight [him]645-he on many things , but [he]645-he mostly gets [his]645-he way . Not on this , though . [I]2813-john have accepted many things where [Jesse]306-jesse is concerned , but [I]2813-john realise now that [I]2813-john absolutely can not accept this . And [I]2813-john wo n’t . [I]2813-john remove [myself]2813-john from the shower and dry [myself]2813-john off before crossing the landing to [[my]2813-john room]2798-my room . Looking down at [my]2813-john phone , [I]2813-john see just one missed call since [I]2813-john last cleared the screen . [I]2813-john ’m surprised , but then it vibrates in [my]2813-john hand . It ’s a text message . [I]2813-john ca n’t be without [you]3039-you Ava . [I]2813-john sigh midland shake [my]2813-john head , but [I]2813-john do n’t reply because [I]2813-john really do n’t know what to say . [I]2813-john do n’t bother drying [my]2813-john hair or putting on lotion . [I]2813-john throw on a baggy t - shirt and some sweatpants , and crawl into the cold sheets of [my]2813-john old bed . It ’s hard , it ’s lumpy and it has n’t got [Jesse]306-jesse in it , but [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] on [my]2813-john own , and it ’s where [I]2813-john need to be right now . * * * [I]2813-john wake up to shouting — very loud shouting . It ’s quite dark , the only light a soft glow from the glass panel above [my]2813-john bedroom door . Pulling the sheets back , [I]2813-john slip out of bed and pad across [[my]2813-john room]2798-my room , opening the door quietly . ‘ [I]2774-kate said it ’s over ! ’[2774-kate] [Kate]2774-kate screams . ‘ This is n’t going anywhere ! ’[2774-kate] Oh shit , [I]2813-john should n’t be listening to this , but [my]2813-john curiosity is getting the better of [me]2813-john . [I]2813-john can see [Kate]2774-kate ’s back down [the hallway]648-the hallway , and [I]2813-john pray [the next person who [I]2813-john ’m going to see will be [Dan]464-dan]3040-the next person who i ’m going to see will be dan . But it ’s not . It ’s [Sam]2844-sam . [My]2774-kate already aching heart takes a further nosedive for [[my]2774-kate troubled best friend]3040-the next person who i ’m going to see will be dan . [She]3040-the next person who i ’m going to see will be dan does n’t know what [she]3040-the next person who i ’m going to see will be dan ’s doing . ‘[2774-kate] [Kate]2774-kate , come on . ’ [Sam]2844-sam ’s voice is beseeching , and a little confused , which tells [me]2774-kate [he]2844-sam has no idea why [Kate]2774-kate is finishing [their]3041-their relationship . Relationship seems like a pretty strange word to use to describe [their]3041-their set - up , but past all of the jokes and casualness , is a connection [I]2774-kate ’ve never witnessed with [Kate]2774-kate and [a man]71-my brother . Not even with [[my]2774-kate brother]71-my brother . If [they]3041-their could get past all things Manor - ish , then [I]2774-kate know [they]3041-their would be perfect for each other . [I]2774-kate could kill [[my]2774-kate brother]71-my brother . And [I]2774-kate could kill [Kate]2774-kate for being so stupid . ‘[2774-kate] Just go , [Sam]2844-sam . ’ [She]2774-kate stomps off across [the landing]3043-the landing , straight into [the kitchen]3044-the kitchen where [she]2774-kate ’s obviously opening and slamming every cupboard door in sight . Then [I]2844-sam see [Sam]2844-sam follow [her]2774-kate in . ‘[2844-sam] What ’s brought all this on ? ’ [he]2844-sam asks , ‘[2844-sam] What ’s changed ? ’ ‘[2844-sam] Nothing ! ’ There ’s a collection of further bangs before [she]2774-kate ’s coming back out of [the kitchen]3044-the kitchen and marching into [the lounge]3045-the lounge . [I]2844-sam catch a glimpse of [her]2774-kate pale face , looking no brighter than this morning . [Her]2774-kate red hair is still dull and scrapped into a ponytail . [I]2844-sam know that expression . That ’s [her]2774-kate stubborn , [I’m]99-i’m - not - being - honest face . [I]2844-sam could throttle the stupid cow . Now [I]2844-sam want [Sam]2844-sam to leave so [I]2844-sam can let loose on [[my]2844-sam wilful friend]3046-my wilful friend . ‘[2844-sam] Obviously something has ! ’ [Sam]2844-sam almost laughs , but it ’s a nervous laugh . It ’s a laugh that clearly indicates worry . This just confirms [my]2844-sam thoughts . [Sam]2844-sam really does like [Kate]2774-kate . A lot . ‘[2844-sam] Just go . ’ [she]2774-kate spits shortly . ‘[2844-sam] No ! Not until [you]649-i tell [me]2813-john what the fuck is going on ! ’ [I]649-i ca n’t see them , so [I]649-i creep out quietly , scolding [myself]649-i for being so nosey , but [I]649-i need to hear this because [I]649-i ’m[649-i] just as intrigued as [Sam]2844-sam . [I]2813-john suspect [I]2813-john know , which is just spiking [my]2813-john already fraying patience . ‘ [I]2844-sam do n’t owe [you]649-i an explanation . ’[2844-sam] [He]2844-sam laughs properly this time . ‘ Yes , [I]2844-sam think [you]649-i do ! ’[2844-sam] [I]2813-john catch a glimpse of [Sam]2844-sam trying to hold [Kate]2774-kate in place , but [the stubborn cow]650-the stubborn cow just shrugs [him]650-the stubborn cow off . ‘ No , [I]650-the stubborn cow do n’t . [We]3047-we were fucking , nothing more . It was fun while it lasted , but [I]650-the stubborn cow ’m[650-the stubborn cow] bored now . ’ [Her]650-the stubborn cow cold words slice through [me]650-the stubborn cow , so [I]650-the stubborn cow can only imagine what [they]3047-we ’ve done to [Sam]2844-sam . [He]2844-sam does n’t say anything , but [I]650-the stubborn cow see the slight shake of [his]2844-sam head . ‘[650-the stubborn cow] Fun ? ’ [he]2844-sam repeats . ‘[650-the stubborn cow] Just fun ? ’ ‘[650-the stubborn cow] Yes . Not anymore , though . [I]2813-john ’ve had all the fun [I]2813-john ’m going to have with [you]2813-john . ’[2813-john] [My]2813-john mouth gapes , just when [I]2813-john thought [she]2774-kate could n’t be any colder . [She]2774-kate ’s on fire . [Sam]2844-sam ’s body shifts , and [I]2813-john know [he]2844-sam ’s leaving , so [I]2813-john creep slowly and quietly back to [[my]2813-john room]2798-my room and push the door shut . [I]2813-john do n’t blame [him]2844-sam for giving in . Despite [his]2844-sam chosen lifestyle and that [he]2844-sam ’s dragged [Kate]2774-kate over to the dark side with [him]2844-sam , it ’s perfectly clear [he]2844-sam has deep feelings for [Kate]2774-kate . And [I]2813-john know [she]2774-kate does , too . [I]2813-john hear the front door slam , and then the unmistakable sound of sobbing . [She]2774-kate ’s crying . [She]2774-kate never cries . [I]2813-john ’m infuriated with [her]2774-kate , but feeling incredibly sorry for [[my]2813-john stupid best friend]3048-my stupid best friend . What is [she]2774-kate trying to prove here ? [I]2813-john ca n’t help but think that this would never have happened if [Dan]464-dan was n’t here . [I]2813-john could stay in [[my]2813-john room]3045-the lounge and let [her]2774-kate have [her]2774-kate tears , but instead of letting [Kate]2774-kate grieve in peace , [I]2813-john step out and walk across the landing to [the lounge]3045-the lounge . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] not letting [her]2774-kate brush this off later . If [I]2813-john witness [her]2774-kate turmoil , then [she]2774-kate has to admit that [she]2774-kate is , in fact , in turmoil . [I]2813-john ’m not letting [her]2774-kate evade [me]2813-john this time . [I]2813-john lean up against the doorframe of [the lounge]3045-the lounge and watch for an eternity as [her]2774-kate shoulders jerk and [she]2774-kate cries relentlessly . [My]2813-john instincts tell [me]2813-john to sit beside [her]2774-kate and cuddle [her]2774-kate , but [I]2813-john do n’t , and after a good ten minutes , [she]2774-kate harshly brushes [her]2774-kate cheeks and stands , turning and immediately clocking [me]2813-john in the doorway . As [I]2813-john knew [she]2774-kate would , [she]2774-kate plasters on an unaffected face and tries to smile . It ’s insulting to [my]2813-john intelligence and [our]3050-our friendship . ‘[2813-john] Hey , ’ [she]2774-kate chirps on a supressed sniffle . ‘[2813-john] All right ? ’ [I]2813-john ask , not removing [myself]2813-john from the doorway . [She]2774-kate is n’t getting past [me]2813-john . ‘[2813-john] Sure [I]2813-john am . What are [you]2813-john doing [here]2799-here ? ’ [She]2774-kate straightens [her]2774-kate t - shirt out , diverting [her]2774-kate glazed eyes all over [her]2774-kate body instead of facing [me]2813-john . ‘[2813-john] [[My]2813-john car]653-my car ’s outside . [You]2813-john did n’t see it ? ’ [She]2774-kate still does n’t look at [me]2813-john . ‘[2813-john] No . What are [you]2813-john doing here ? ’ [I]653-my car ignore [her]653-my car repeated question . [I]653-my car ’m[653-my car] not going to allow [her]653-my car to change the subject . And what would [I]2813-john tell [her]653-my car , anyway ? [I]2813-john ’ve been married for less than a day and [I]2813-john ’ve turned up at [her]653-my car flat with a packed bag . That has to be a record for [all married couples]654-all married couples . ‘ [You]2813-john probably did n’t take much notice . [You]2813-john know , as [you]2813-john were fighting with [Sam]2844-sam . ’[653-my car] [Her]653-my car eyes whip to [mine]2813-john . [She]653-my car knows [I]2813-john have [her]653-my car . ‘ Oh , ’[653-my car] [she]653-my car says quietly , then insults [me]2813-john further by smiling brightly . ‘ Tea ? ’[653-my car] ‘ No , ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john answer coolly , and with no chirpiness to mirror [hers]653-my car . ‘ An explanation would be good , though . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john know [my]2813-john eyebrows have just risen expectantly , and [I]2813-john must sound like [a nagging parent]655-a nagging parent , but [I]2813-john ’m not caving in . [She]653-my car will not brush [me]2813-john off this time . [She]653-my car laughs a little . ‘[2813-john] An explanation to what ? ’ [Her]653-my car smile falters when [she]653-my car realises what [she]653-my car ’s just said . [She]653-my car ’s invited [me]2813-john to get it off [my]2813-john chest , and by the look on [her]653-my car face , [she]653-my car ’s regretting it . ‘[2813-john] Well , [we]656-we could start with [your]657-her little performance last night with [[my]2813-john brother]71-my brother , then [you]657-her could try explaining why [you]657-her ’ve just finished things with [Sam]2844-sam . ’ ‘[71-my brother] There was nothing to finish . ’ ‘[71-my brother] What about [[my]2813-john brother]71-my brother ? ’ ‘[71-my brother] It ’s none of [your]657-her business . ’ [She]653-my car goes to walk past [me]536-ava , but [I]536-ava shift , blocking [her]653-my car escape . ‘[536-ava] Move , [Ava]536-ava . ’ ‘[536-ava] No . [You]657-her ’ll sit and talk to [me]2813-john . What is wrong with [you]657-her ? [We]656-we ’re supposed to be [friends]390-friends . [We]656-we ’ve always told [each other]3052-each other everything . ’[656-we] [I]2813-john grab [her]657-her arm and drag [her]657-her over to the couch , pushing [her]657-her reluctant body down onto the soft cushion . ‘ What ’s going on , [Kate]2774-kate ? ’[657-her] [She]657-her flops back irritably . ‘ Nothing . ’[657-her] ‘ Oh , [you]657-her make [me]2813-john mad . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john spit . ‘ Start talking , [Matthews]2774-kate . ’[657-her] [She]657-her bursts into tears . [I]2813-john ’m so relieved . [I]2813-john was on the cusp on slapping [her]657-her for being so tenacious , but now [my]2813-john arm is around [her]657-her and [she]657-her ’s sobbing into [my]2813-john chest . [I]2813-john do n’t know about [Kate]2774-kate , but [I]2813-john feel so much better for this . [She]657-her does care . [I]2813-john try to soothe [her]657-her . ‘[2813-john] Let ’s start with [Sam]2844-sam . ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john told [you]2844-sam , it was only meant to be fun . ’ [Her]657-her words jerk with [her]657-her fitful breathing . ‘[2813-john] Was ? ’ [I]2813-john ask . ‘[2813-john] So it ’s more than fun ? ’ ‘[2813-john] Yes … no … [I]2813-john do n’t know ! ’ [She]657-her sounds so confused , just like [me]2813-john . [Sam]2844-sam and [Kate]2774-kate ’s relationship is n’t ideal , but even with [The Manor]226-the manor in the equation , [I]2813-john ca n’t help but think that it ’s healthier than anything [she]2774-kate and [Dan]464-dan ever had together , crazy as it might seem . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john knew this would happen with [Dan]464-dan arriving . ’ [I]2774-kate sigh . If [I]2774-kate was talking to [[my]2774-kate brother]71-my brother , then [I]2774-kate ’d currently be shouting down the phone at [him]71-my brother . ‘[2774-kate] [Kate]2774-kate , [you]2774-kate need to remember every reason why [you]2774-kate and [Dan]464-dan called it quits . ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john know . [We]659-we ’re so bad for each other , but [we]659-we connect , [Ava]536-ava . When [we]659-we ’re[659-we] together , [we]659-we connect so well . ’ ‘[2774-kate] [You]2774-kate mean the sex . ’ [I]2774-kate wince and screw [my]2774-kate face up a little . [I]2774-kate ca n’t think of [[my]2774-kate brother]71-my brother like that . ‘[2774-kate] Yes , but everything else fails so horribly . ’ ‘[2774-kate] It does , ’ [I]262-men agree . [I]262-men ’ve witnessed the violent rows , the incessant need to rile each other and the unhealthy flow of [their]3055-they doomed relationship . [They]3055-they had no respect for each other — not mentally or physically . It was all just about the sex . Mind - blowing sex does not make up for the relationship ’s other failings , which in [Dan]464-dan and [Kate]2774-kate ’s case was on every other level . At the time , [I]262-men ignored it all , simply because the thought of [[my]262-men best friend]518-my best friend and [[my]262-men brother]71-my brother being in love was so ideal . That was the problem , though . [They]3055-they were n’t in love . It was just lust , and maturity has made that glaringly obvious to [me]262-men . [She]2774-kate shifts in [my]262-men embrace and sits [herself]2774-kate up , taking a few calming breaths . ‘[262-men] [I]2813-john hate [men]262-men . ’ [she]2774-kate declares . ‘[262-men] [You]661-you should n’t , especially when there ’s one who obviously thinks the world of [you]661-you . ’ [She]2774-kate looks at [me]2844-sam curiously . ‘[2844-sam] [Sam]2844-sam ? ’ [I]2844-sam almost slap [her]2774-kate for [her]2774-kate blindness . ‘[2844-sam] Yes , [Sam]2844-sam . ’ ‘[536-ava] [Ava]536-ava , ’ [she]2774-kate laughs . ‘[536-ava] [Sam]2844-sam does n’t think the world of [me]2813-john . [I]2813-john make [the world]2908-the world move for [him]2844-sam , that ’s all — in [the bedroom]663-the bedroom . ’ ‘[2813-john] [You]661-you mean [you]661-you connect so well ? ’ [I]2844-sam raise [my]2844-sam eyebrows at [her]2774-kate . ‘[2844-sam] Except with [Sam]2844-sam , [you]661-you also get the mental connection . ’ [She]664-she scowls at [me]2844-sam . [She]664-she knows [I]2844-sam ’m[2844-sam] right . ‘ It was just fun . ’[2844-sam] It ’s [me]2813-john who flops back on the couch in irritation this time . ‘ [You]661-you ’re[2813-john] unbelievable . ’ ‘[2813-john] No , [I]2813-john ’m [a realist]2813-john . ’[664-she] [she]664-she argues . ‘ It was sex . ’[2813-john] ‘ So why the hell were [you]661-you blubbering like [a baby]2851-a baby ? ’[664-she] ‘ [I]664-she do n’t know . ’[664-she] [She]664-she stands up , ‘ [I]664-she feel like shit . It gets the emotions going . [You]661-you want tea ? ’[664-she] ‘ Yes , ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john huff , standing to join [her]664-she before following [her]664-she out to [the kitchen]3044-the kitchen . [She]664-she reaches up to the cupboard and grabs a couple of mugs . ‘ Why are [you]661-you here , anyway ? ’[664-she] The question makes [me]2813-john falter mid - lowering of [my]2813-john butt to the chair . Should [I]2813-john tell [her]664-she ? [I]2813-john ’ve walked out on [[my]2813-john husband]420-my husband less than twenty four hours after [we]667-we said [our]667-we vows . A brush off here is not going to suffice , although given how [she]664-she manages to shirk [my]2813-john questioning so well , [I]2813-john should n’t be too bothered about offending [her]664-she . But [I]2813-john am in need of some help . [She]664-she openly admits to [her]664-she fondness of [Jesse]306-jesse . This could change [her]664-she opinion dramatically , and even though [I]2813-john ’m seething with [him]306-jesse , [I]668-i hate divulging any information that ’ll have [[my]668-i loved ones]3058-my loved ones questioning [him]306-jesse . And questioning [me]668-i , for that matter . Questioning [my]668-i sanity . [I]668-i decide that [I]668-i do need [[my]668-i best friend]518-my best friend on this . [I]668-i bite the bullet . ‘[668-i] [You]668-i know [my]2813-john pills that mysteriously kept disappearing ? ’ [She]664-she turns and frowns before stuffing a teabag in each of the mugs . ‘[668-i] Yes , [you]668-i and [your]668-i ridiculously unorganised life . ’ ‘[668-i] Hmm , that ’s what [I]2813-john thought . ’ [I]668-i stare at [her]664-she back , waiting for [her]664-she to click , but [she]664-she ’s happily topping up the mugs with water , and then milk . ‘[668-i] At first , anyway . ’ [She]664-she stirs the tea and brings it over to the table , plonking [herself]664-she down into one of the mismatching chairs . ‘[668-i] At first ? ’ [Her]664-she confused face tells [me]306-jesse that [she]664-she really is n’t copping on . Maybe it ’s the hangover . ‘[306-jesse] [Jesse]306-jesse has been taking them . ’ [I]306-jesse blurt it out quickly , before [I]306-jesse can change [my]306-jesse mind and withhold the information . Now [her]664-she confused face is frowning heavily over the rim of [her]664-she mug . ‘[306-jesse] [He]306-jesse what ? ’ ‘[306-jesse] [He]306-jesse ’s been taking [my]2813-john pills . [He]306-jesse wants [me]2813-john pregnant . ’ Eyes wide and with a slightly gaped jaw , [she]664-she puts [her]664-she mug down very carefully . ‘[306-jesse] [He]306-jesse told [you]306-jesse that ? ’ ‘[306-jesse] Yes , ’ [I]306-jesse breathe . ‘[306-jesse] Although [I]2813-john kind of already knew . ’ ‘[306-jesse] [You]306-jesse knew [he]306-jesse was taking [them]669-them ? When [you]306-jesse replaced [them]669-them that time and lost them again ? ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john was distracted . ’ ‘[2813-john] Why the hell would [he]306-jesse do that ? And did n’t [you]306-jesse use any protection ? ’ ‘[306-jesse] No , not always . ’ [I]306-jesse mutter indignantly , bracing [myself]306-jesse for a lecture on carelessness . [I]306-jesse was pretty careless , but [I]306-jesse ’m[306-jesse] now blaming [Jesse]306-jesse for the whole diabolical situation , not for just lifting [my]2813-john pills . Yes , [I]2813-john should ’ve made [him]306-jesse wear protection every time , but [I]2813-john forgot . Lame excuse , but [I]2813-john did , and that is because [[my]2813-john crazy man]670-my crazy man distracts [me]2813-john far too well . [Kate]2774-kate still looks shocked . [I]2813-john ’m not surprised , it ’s shocking . ‘[2813-john] So if [you]306-jesse knew all along , then why did n’t [you]306-jesse take [him]670-my crazy man to task on it ? ’ ‘[670-my crazy man] [He]670-my crazy man would never have admitted it , [Kate]2774-kate . [He]670-my crazy man ’s [a madcap]671-a madcap . ’ [I]670-my crazy man claim , thinking it ’s probably [me]670-my crazy man who ’s [the insane one]671-a madcap — insane for being so damn stupid . ‘[670-my crazy man] But only with [you]306-jesse . ’ [Kate]2774-kate says . ‘[670-my crazy man] Yes , only with [me]2813-john . ’ [I]670-my crazy man take a sip of [my]670-my crazy man tea . [She]2774-kate ’s watching [me]670-my crazy man , but not expressing [her]2774-kate thoughts . [She]2774-kate must have some . ‘[670-my crazy man] Why would [you]306-jesse ignore it ? ’ [she]2774-kate asks . [I]2813-john was dreading that question , but completely expecting it , and [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] wondering the same thing [myself]2813-john . ‘ [I]2813-john have no idea . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john feel so frustrated . [I]2813-john have no decent excuse . [Kate]2774-kate shakes [her]2774-kate head , making [me]2813-john feel smaller . ‘ [I]2774-kate do n’t understand [you]306-jesse , and [I]2774-kate certainly do n’t understand [him]306-jesse . ’[2774-kate] ‘ [He]306-jesse was as scared [I]2813-john ’d run away . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john mumble quietly . What ’s [my]2813-john excuse for being so dim ? ‘ [You]306-jesse ’ve married [him]306-jesse ! ’[2774-kate] [She]2774-kate laughs . ‘ Fuck [me]2774-kate , [Ava]536-ava . What is wrong with [that man]306-jesse ? [Hey]100-hey , [I]2774-kate know [he]306-jesse ’s a bit crazy but – ’[2774-kate] ‘ A bit ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john scoff . ‘ Yeah , okay , understatement of the fucking century , but [his]306-jesse way with [you]306-jesse has always been so endearing to [me]2813-john . How much [he]306-jesse loves [you]306-jesse , frets , and protects [you]306-jesse . [We]3060-we all know [his]306-jesse behaviour is way past unreasonable , but it ’s common knowledge that [he]306-jesse ’s never cared before . But stealing [your]306-jesse pills ? [I]2813-john did n’t think [that man]306-jesse could shock [me]2813-john , but [he]306-jesse ’s outdone [himself]306-jesse this time . ’[2813-john] ‘ [He]306-jesse has , ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john muse , swirling [my]2813-john tea in slow , careful circling motions . ‘ So if [you]306-jesse knew , and [he]306-jesse knew [you]306-jesse knew , then why the big bust up now ? ’[2813-john] ‘ [He]306-jesse may have succeeded in [his]306-jesse attempts . ’[2774-kate] [Kate]2774-kate chokes on [her]2774-kate tea . ‘ [You]306-jesse ’re[2774-kate] pregnant ? ’ [she]2774-kate coughs . The words spike the dormant lump in [my]2774-kate throat to swell , and before [I]2774-kate can even think about controlling them , tears start streaming down [my]2774-kate cheeks . [I]2774-kate drop [my]2774-kate tea to the table and cover [my]2774-kate face with [my]2774-kate palms … and [I]2774-kate sob . ‘[2774-kate] Oh , fuck ! Oh shit ! ’ [Kate]2774-kate ’s chair scrapes across the kitchen floor and the next thing [I]2774-kate know , [she]2774-kate ’s standing behind [me]2774-kate with [her]2774-kate arms wrapped around [my]2774-kate shoulders . [She]2774-kate actually hushes [me]2774-kate quietly in [my]2774-kate ear , like [I]2774-kate ’m[2774-kate] [a child who ’s just fell]672-a child who ’s just fell and grazed [their]673-their knee . [I]2813-john feel so stupid all of a sudden . Really , really stupid . Stupid for ignoring [my]2813-john suspicions for so long , stupid for not allowing the pieces to click sooner , and stupid for letting [Jesse]306-jesse distract [me]2813-john from the enormity of [his]306-jesse actions . ‘ [My]306-jesse period is due tomorrow . [I]306-jesse know it ’s not coming , and so does [Jesse]306-jesse . ’[306-jesse] [I]2813-john sniffle and [Kate]2774-kate leaves [me]2813-john , hurrying over to a unit of drawers . ‘ [I]2774-kate ’ve been ignoring it , which has frustrated [Jesse]306-jesse , but [I]2774-kate ’m[2774-kate] not ready for this , [Kate]2774-kate , and now [I]2813-john just feel furious with [myself]2813-john and even more incensed with [him]306-jesse . [I]2813-john let things pass sometimes , but this is taking control to a whole new level . [I]2813-john ca n’t let [him]306-jesse do this . ’ [She]2774-kate hands [me]2813-john a tissue , and [I]2813-john set about wiping [my]2813-john nose as [she]2774-kate takes a seat next to [me]2813-john . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john completely agree . ’ [she]2774-kate says . [I]2813-john ca n’t believe how relieved [I]2813-john am to hear [her]2774-kate say that . [I]2813-john know [she]2774-kate ’s very fond of [Jesse]306-jesse , and generally nothing fazes [her]2774-kate , not even [[my]2813-john husband]420-my husband in all of [his]420-my husband challenging ways , but this has shocked [her]2774-kate , and [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] so glad . ‘ What are [you]3062-you going to do ? ’[674-she] [she]674-she asks , ‘ Make [him]420-my husband sweat ? ’[674-she] ‘ Have an abortion . ’[2774-kate] [Kate]2774-kate ’s mouth hits the table . It does n’t help . ‘ [Kate]2774-kate , can [you]3062-you imagine what [he]420-my husband ’ll be like ? [He]420-my husband already smothers [me]674-she , and [I]674-she like it to a certain extent , but being pregnant ? ’[674-she] [She]674-she scoops [her]674-she chin up . ‘ Oh God , [Ava]536-ava . [You]536-ava ’ll send [him]675-him to the loony bin . ’[674-she] ‘ That ’s not a good enough reason . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john reply quietly . [I]2813-john know what this will do to [him]675-him , but [he]675-him has n’t considered what any of [his]675-him actions will do to [me]2813-john . [I]2813-john ’m not ready for this , and [he]675-him has n’t stopped once to consider how [I]2813-john might feel . ‘[2813-john] It ’s not just that , though . [I]2813-john have a career . [I]2813-john ’m twenty six years old . [I]2813-john do n’t want [a baby]2851-a baby , [Kate]2774-kate . ’[2813-john] ‘ [I]2813-john do n’t even know what to say . ’[2813-john] ‘ Just say [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] doing the right thing . ’ [She]2774-kate shakes [her]2774-kate head a little . [I]2813-john need [her]2774-kate to understand . ‘[2813-john] Okay . ’ [she]2774-kate says reluctantly . [She]2774-kate does n’t think it ’s okay at all , but [her]2774-kate willingness to halt any guilt trip is enough for [me]2813-john . [I]2813-john feel guilty enough already , although [I]2813-john should n’t . [I]2813-john need to regain control , and [I]2813-john ca n’t see any other way of doing it . [I]2813-john ca n’t have [a baby]2851-a baby . ‘[2813-john] Thank [you]676-you . ’ [I]2813-john whisper , picking up [my]2813-john tea and taking a shaky sip . Chapter 8 It ’s Monday . [I]2813-john wake at the crack of dawn and cry silently to [myself]2813-john . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] only delaying the inevitable . [I]2813-john need to see [Doctor Monroe]67-doctor monroe . [I]2813-john exit [Green Park]9-green park tube station onto [Piccadilly]10-piccadilly and stop for a few moments , absorbing the frantic rush hour blur of [people]2834-people . [I]2813-john miss this . [I]2813-john miss the chaos of the tube and walking the few blocks to [[my]2813-john office]2910-his office — all of the hectic scrambling , the dodging of bodies and the loud voices , mostly shouting down a mobile phone . That , coupled with the screeching of [cars]679-cars and [buses]680-buses , the honking of impatient horns and the ringing of cyclist bells , all strangely bring a small smile to [my]2813-john face , until [I]2813-john get nudged in the back , and then ridiculed for keeping the frantic stream of pedestrian traffic from flowing . [I]2813-john snap out of [my]2813-john daydream and shift [my]2813-john feet into gear , heading for [Berkeley Square]11-berkeley square . ‘ Morning , flower . ’[374-patrick] [Patrick]374-patrick ’s big body strides out of [[his]374-patrick office]2910-his office towards [my]2813-john desk . [I]2813-john take [my]2813-john seat and swivel to face [him]374-patrick . ‘ Good morning . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john need to fake chirpiness on a stupidly over - the - top level . [He]374-patrick perches on [my]2813-john desk , prompting the usual shriek of strained wood and [my]2813-john usual tensing in anticipation . It ’s going to give one day . ‘ How ’s [the blushing bride]3065-the blushing bride ? ’[374-patrick] [He]374-patrick clucks [my]2813-john cheek affectionately and winks . ‘ Perfect . ’[374-patrick] [I]2813-john smile , laughing at [myself]2813-john and [my]2813-john ability to choose the most inaccurate word to describe how [I]2813-john ’m really feeling . [I]2813-john could ’ve said good , or fine , or great , but no … [I]2813-john say perfect . Perfectly distraught , that ’s what [I]2813-john am . ‘[2813-john] It was a wonderful reception . Thank [you]681-you . ’ ‘[681-you] Oh , [you]681-you ’re welcome . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john brush off [[my]2813-john boss]374-patrick ’s appreciation . ‘ Where is [everyone]2825-everyone ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ask , desperate to divert the conversation from [my]2813-john shambolic wedding , and probably shambolic marriage , too . ‘ [Sal]60-sarah ’s in the stationary cupboard having a tidy up , and [Tom]84-tom and [Victoria]85-victoria should be here by now . ’[374-patrick] [He]374-patrick looks at [his]374-patrick watch . ‘ [Van Der Haus]102-mr van der haus , ’[374-patrick] [he]374-patrick returns [his]374-patrick eyes to [mine]2813-john , and [I]2813-john struggle to look relaxed at the mention of [[my]2813-john Danish client]2853-my danish client ’s name . ‘ Has [he]374-patrick been in touch yet ? ’[2813-john] ‘ No , ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john load [my]2813-john computer up and jiggle [my]2813-john mouse to get the screen on . It does n’t escape [my]2813-john thoughts that [I]2813-john ’ve been given a deadline of today to inform [[my]2813-john boss of [Mikael]74-mikael]684-my boss of mikael ’s revenge mission , but given [my]2813-john current state of affairs and the fact that [I]2813-john ’ve left [Jesse]306-jesse , [I]2813-john ’m thinking [[my]306-jesse Lord]2765-my lord will not be pressing [me]306-jesse on this issue . ‘[306-jesse] [He]306-jesse said [he]306-jesse ’d be in touch once [he]306-jesse ’s back in [the UK]685-the uk . ’ ‘[306-jesse] Fair enough . ’ [Patrick]374-patrick shifts on [my]306-jesse desk . [I]306-jesse will [him]374-patrick to at least be still if [he]374-patrick insists on torturing the poor thing . ‘[306-jesse] And anything to report on [[your]686-your other clients]687-your other clients ? [The Kents]103-the kents , [Miss Quinn]104-miss quinn … [Mr Ward]306-jesse . ’ [He]306-jesse chuckles at [his]306-jesse own little joke , and although [I]306-jesse ’m[306-jesse] in turmoil with [[my]2813-john new husband]2786-mr , [I]2813-john ’m grateful for [Patrick]374-patrick ’s acceptance of [mine]2813-john and [Jesse]306-jesse ’s relationship . If there will even be a relationship after the next few days . ‘[2813-john] All great . [Mr]2786-mr and [Mrs Kent]105-mrs kent are in full swing , [Miss Quinn]104-miss quinn ’s work starts tomorrow , and [Mr Ward]306-jesse would like [me]2813-john to commission the beds for [the new rooms]689-the new rooms as soon as possible . [They]689-the new rooms could take months . ’ [Patrick]374-patrick laughs . ‘[536-ava] [Ava]536-ava , flower , [you]536-ava do n’t have to call [[your]536-ava husband]2786-mr [Mr Ward]306-jesse . ’ ‘[106-habit] [Habit]106-habit . ’ [I]106-habit grumble . [I]106-habit could think of a lot of words [I]106-habit could call [him]306-jesse at the moment . ‘[106-habit] [You]536-ava mean those lovely lattice style beds ? ’ ‘[536-ava] Yes , ’ [I]536-ava pull out the design from [my]536-ava drawer and present it to [Patrick]374-patrick . ‘[536-ava] Stunning , ’ [he]374-patrick says simply , ‘[536-ava] Bet these will cost a few quid . ’ Stunning ? Yes . Expensive ? Ridiculously . But [Patrick]374-patrick does n’t realise the benefits of [these beds in [a place like [The Manor]226-the manor]3068-a place like the manor]689-the new rooms . To [[my]306-jesse big cuddly bear of [a boss]429-a boss]3070-my big cuddly bear of a boss , [The Manor]226-the manor is still just [a lovely country retreat]3072-a lovely country retreat . ‘[306-jesse] [He]306-jesse can afford it . ’ [I]306-jesse shrug and take the design back when [he]306-jesse hands it to [me]306-jesse . [I]306-jesse ’m[306-jesse] happily filing the drawing away when the sharp cracking of splintering wood rings out through the quiet of [[our]690-our office]691-our office , and [I]2813-john watch in shock as [Patrick]374-patrick crashes to the floor with a look of alarm on [his]374-patrick face . [I]2813-john do n’t know why . [He]374-patrick had it coming . [My]2813-john lap is littered with pieces of desk , and [I]2813-john ’m eternally grateful that [my]2813-john legs were n’t tucked under it . [They]3073-they ’d be broken . ‘[2813-john] Bloody hell ! ’ [Patrick]374-patrick shouts , rolling around among the many pieces of broken wood and stationary that graced [my]2813-john desk , including [my]2813-john flat computer screen . [I]2813-john do n’t know whether to jump up to help [him]374-patrick or just laugh . A rip roaring giggle is bubbling in [my]2813-john throat , and it ’s taking every modicum of power to hold it back . This is just too funny . [I]2813-john lose the battle . A burst of laughter flies from [my]2813-john mouth . There is not a chance on earth [Patrick]374-patrick is getting up from the floor without any help , but [I]2813-john doubt [I]2813-john ’ll be of any assistance . [He]374-patrick must weigh six times more than [me]2813-john . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m sorry ! ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john chuckle , re - gaining control of [my]2813-john twitching body . ‘ Here , ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john put [my]2813-john hand out to [him]2813-john and [he]2813-john reaches up to take it , [his]2813-john stretch straining [his]2813-john shirt buttons . It flies open , scattering buttons all over the office floor and revealing [Patricks potbelly]107-patricks potbelly . This does [me]2813-john no favours , [my]2813-john earlier laughter returning full force . ‘ [Drat]108-drat ! ’[2813-john] [he]2813-john curses , keeping a tight hold of [my]2813-john hand . ‘ Double drat ! ’[2813-john] ‘ Oh God ! ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john cry , bending over to stop [myself]2813-john from peeing [my]2813-john knickers . ‘ [Patrick]374-patrick , are [you]374-patrick okay ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john know [he]2813-john is . [He]2813-john would n’t be rolling around and cursing if [he]2813-john was seriously injured . ‘ No , [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] bloody not . Will [you]692-you control [yourself]692-you and help [me]2813-john out ? ’ [He]2813-john tugs at [my]2813-john hand . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m sorry ! ’[2813-john] It ’s no good . [I]2813-john ’m crying , mascara probably pouring down [my]2813-john cheeks . [I]2813-john throw all of [my]2813-john strength into heaving [Patrick]374-patrick up from the floor , making quick work so [I]2813-john can get to [the toilet]444-the toilet . And [I]2813-john do just that when [I]2813-john ’ve finally got [him]2813-john to [his]2813-john feet . ‘[2813-john] Excuse [me]2813-john ! ’ [I]2813-john laugh , running towards [the ladies]451-the ladies , passing a shocked looking [Sal]60-sarah as [I]2813-john fly past the stationary cupboard . When [I]2813-john ’ve sorted [myself]2813-john out and composed [my]2813-john jerking body , [I]2813-john walk back into [the office]3076-the office to find [Tom]84-tom and [Victoria]85-victoria have arrived and [Sal]60-sarah on [her]60-sarah knees collecting up a million paperclips . ‘[2813-john] What happened ? ’ [Victoria]85-victoria whispers . ‘[2813-john] [My]2813-john desk finally gave in . ’ [I]2813-john smile , and try [my]2813-john hardest to keep the giggling fit from returning again . If [I]2813-john start , [I]2813-john wo n’t stop . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john missed it ! ’ [Tom]84-tom cries incredulously . ‘[2813-john] Damn it . ’ [He]84-tom hangs [his]84-tom man - bag on the back of [his]84-tom chair . ‘[61-darling] [Darling]61-darling ! How is [the bride]2766-the bride ? ’ ‘[2766-the bride] Fine , ’ [I]2766-the bride answer . ‘[2766-the bride] Oh yes ! ’ [Victoria]85-victoria pipes up . ‘[2766-the bride] When [I]2813-john get married , it ’ll be just like [your]61-darling wedding , except perhaps not at a se … ’ [I]536-ava dart warning eyes to [[my]536-ava ditsy work colleague]3077-my ditsy work colleague , and [she]3077-my ditsy work colleague acknowledges [her]3077-my ditsy work colleague near error by snapping [her]3077-my ditsy work colleague mouth shut and hastily removing [herself]3077-my ditsy work colleague from [the area]3078-the area . [I]536-ava kneel down to help [Sal]60-sarah . ‘[536-ava] It was beautiful , [Ava]536-ava . ’ [she]3077-my ditsy work colleague muses dreamily . ‘[536-ava] [You]536-ava ’re so lucky . ’[60-sarah] [Sal]60-sarah ’s sweet words only enhance [my]2813-john gloom — until [my]2813-john phone starts singing from [my]2813-john bag . [I]2813-john glance across at it , sitting amid the chaos of broken up desk . [I]2813-john ca n’t speak to [him]536-ava . [I]2813-john ’m a little surprised that it ’s taken [him]536-ava until now to call [me]2813-john , and even more surprised [he]536-ava was n’t so persistent last night . These signs are all an indication of one thing and one thing alone . [He]536-ava knows [he]536-ava ’s pushed the boundaries . [I]2813-john ca n’t even imagine what [he]536-ava ’s doing with [himself]536-ava , besides running continuous laps of [the Royal Parks]3079-the royal parks . [Sal]60-sarah looks at [me]2813-john expectantly , but [I]2813-john just smile and continue picking up paperclips and popping them in a pot . It ’s only now [I]2813-john wonder why out of all the things [we]694-we could be clearing up , [we]694-we ’re[2813-john] collecting the smallest things of all . ‘ [I]2813-john ’ll call [him]536-ava back . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john say to [Sal]60-sarah , while thinking how therapeutic this actually is . When [we]694-we ’re done , [Sal]60-sarah gets up and heads to [the kitchen]3044-the kitchen to make coffee , while [I]374-patrick pull [myself]374-patrick up and head for [[Patrick]374-patrick ’s office]3081-patrick ’s office . [I]374-patrick knock the door and poke [my]374-patrick head around . [He]374-patrick ’s sitting at [his]374-patrick desk , a little red faced , combing [his]374-patrick hair . ‘[374-patrick] Are [you]60-sarah okay , [Patrick]374-patrick ? ’ [I]374-patrick ask , biting [my]374-patrick lip furiously as [I]374-patrick take in [his]374-patrick buttoned jacked concealing [his]374-patrick rounded belly . ‘[374-patrick] Yes , yes . [I]2813-john ’m fine . ’[374-patrick] [he]374-patrick huffs , slipping [his]374-patrick comb down the front of [his]374-patrick jacket and into the inside pocket . ‘ [I]374-patrick think [Irene]79-irene might see this as a sign to lose some weight . ’[374-patrick] [He]374-patrick grins a little , making [me]2813-john feel a whole lot better for laughing at [him]374-patrick . [I]2813-john grin , too . ‘ [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] glad [I]2813-john ’ve made [your]374-patrick day , flower . ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m sorry , but [you]374-patrick must have heard the creaks every time [you]374-patrick sat there . ’[2813-john] ‘ Yes , [I]2813-john did . Stupid cheap tat ! ’[2813-john] ‘ [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] sure , ’ [I]2813-john agree on a serious face . There was nothing cheap about [my]2813-john desk . ‘[2813-john] Would [you]374-patrick like a coffee ? ’ ‘[374-patrick] No . ’ [he]374-patrick grumbles . ‘[374-patrick] [I]2813-john need to go [home]2904-home and change . ’ ‘[374-patrick] Okay . ’ [I]696-i slip out of [[his]374-patrick office]2910-his office and return to [my]696-i pile of wood , rummaging around the lose parts until [I]696-i find [my]696-i bag . [I]696-i locate [my]696-i phone , clear the missed call from [Jesse]306-jesse , then dial [[my]696-i doctor]306-jesse . ‘[696-i] Is [he]696-i okay ? ’ [Tom]84-tom asks on a chuckle , [Victoria]85-victoria joining [him]696-i . ‘[696-i] [He]696-i ’s fine , but keep a straight face when [he]696-i leaves to go and change out of [his]696-i burst shirt . ’ [I]696-i grin . ‘[696-i] [He]696-i popped [his]696-i buttons ? ’ [Victoria]85-victoria laughs , flopping back in [her]85-victoria chair . [Tom]84-tom looks over at [Victoria]85-victoria and joins [her]85-victoria laughter . ‘[696-i] Oh flipping heck ! What [I]2813-john ’d do to go back in time to make sure [I]2813-john was [here]2799-here . ’ [I]696-i manage to hold [my]696-i giggles and slip into the stationary cupboard when [my]696-i call connects . After getting past the guard dog of [a receptionist]3083-a receptionist , [I]696-i finally get an appointment for four o’clock . The day passes quite swiftly , with only a few missed calls from [[my]696-i Lord]2765-my lord . The calls were expected , but what was n’t expected was [his]698-he lack of persistence . [He]698-he did n’t call [the office]3076-the office , [he]698-he did n’t stop by and [he]698-he did n’t ring off the hook . [I]696-i ’m[696-i] not sure if [I]2813-john should be satisfied that [he]698-he seems to accept [my]2813-john request for space , or worried that [he]698-he ’s uncharacteristically giving it to [me]2813-john . It has now been over twenty four hours since [I]2813-john ’ve seen [him]698-he , and [I]2813-john would be a liar if [I]2813-john said [I]2813-john do n’t miss [him]698-he , but [I]2813-john need to over - ride this . [I]2813-john need to stick to [my]2813-john guns and the only way [I]2813-john can ensure that happens , is if [I]2813-john do n’t see or speak to [him]698-he . It ’s frightening what [he]698-he can do to [me]2813-john when [I]2813-john ’m determined to hold [my]2813-john own , and it ’s usually with [his]698-he touch , so yes , distance if key . [I]2813-john collect by bag and get up from [my]2813-john makeshift desk , which happens to [me]2813-john a paste table [we]3086-we had stored out the back . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m off . See [you]2813-john tomorrow . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john say as [I]2813-john pass all three of [[my]2813-john colleagues]699-my colleagues . ‘ [I]2813-john ’ve cleared it with [Patrick]374-patrick . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john do n’t want to be saying where [I]2813-john ’m going because it will undoubtedly lead to further questions . Privacy in [this office]700-this office is a luxury . A chorus of goodbyes ring out as [I]2813-john shut the door behind [me]2813-john and make [my]2813-john way to the tube . [Angel]57-angel starts up as [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] approaching [the station]700-this office , but [I]2813-john leave [my]2813-john phone in [my]2813-john bag . Where [I]2813-john ’m going , [I]2813-john really do n’t need to be thinking about [him]374-patrick , but it ’s hard when [his]374-patrick favorite track , is echoing very loudly , even from the depths of [my]2813-john bag . It stops for a nanosecond , but then starts again . [I]2813-john ignore it , focusing [my]2813-john attention on [the nearing station]700-this office . [I]2813-john jump on a shocked gasp when a tall , lean , green eyed wall lands in front of [me]2813-john , and [my]2813-john hand flies up to [my]2813-john chest , resting on [my]2813-john heart as [I]2813-john breathe heavily . Then [I]2813-john get mighty irritated . ‘[2813-john] What are [you]701-you doing ? ’ [I]701-you ask shortly . ‘[701-you] [You]701-you would n’t answer [your]701-you phone . ’ [He]374-patrick points to [my]701-you bag . ‘[701-you] Maybe [you]701-you did n’t hear it . ’ [I]701-you look up at [him]374-patrick and find an accusing stare . [He]374-patrick knows damn well [I]701-you could hear it . ‘[701-you] [You]701-you were following [me]2813-john . ’ [I]701-you can be accusing , too . ‘[701-you] Where are [you]701-you going ? ’ [He]374-patrick steps in closer , but [I]702-a client move back . [I]702-a client ca n’t let [him]374-patrick touch [me]702-a client . And shit , where am [I]702-a client going ? ‘[702-a client] [A client]702-a client . ’ [I]2813-john blurt . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’ll take [you]702-a client . ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john told [you]702-a client , [I]2813-john need space , [Jesse]306-jesse . ’ [I]306-jesse ’m[306-jesse] aware of [fellow pedestrians]703-fellow pedestrians stepping around [us]704-us , some moaning , some throwing filthy glares , but [I]2813-john ’m not concerned and neither is [Jesse]306-jesse . [He]306-jesse ’s just staring at [me]2813-john , looking shockingly spectacular in a grey suit and blue shirt . ‘[2813-john] How much space and for how long ? [I]2813-john married [you]702-a client on Saturday and [you]702-a client left [me]2813-john on Sunday . ’ [He]306-jesse reaches forward and grasps [my]2813-john upper arm before sliding [his]306-jesse touch down [my]2813-john arm until [he]306-jesse ’s holding [my]2813-john hand . As always , [my]2813-john hairs stand up on end and a shiver reverberates through [me]2813-john . [I]2813-john watch [him]306-jesse just stare at [our]3087-our joined hands , [his]2813-john fingers weaving through [mine]2813-john slowly as [he]2813-john chews [his]2813-john lip . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m struggling , [Ava]536-ava . ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john looks up at [me]2813-john and lands [me]2813-john with a green glazed stare . ‘ Without [you]536-ava , [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] really struggling . ’ [My]2813-john heart breaks for [this man]306-jesse standing before [me]2813-john , and [I]2813-john clench [my]2813-john eyes shut , desperately fighting [my]2813-john natural instinct to step into [him]306-jesse and hold [him]306-jesse . If [he]306-jesse ’s not getting [his]306-jesse way with fuckings of various degrees or a Jesse style countdown , then [he]306-jesse ’s breaking [me]2813-john down with heart wrenching words . It would n’t be so bad , but [I]2813-john know [he]306-jesse absolutely means each and every syllable . [He]306-jesse ’s crippling [me]2813-john again . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john really need to go . ’ [I]2813-john hate [myself]2813-john for leaving [him]306-jesse like this . [I]2813-john go to turn , fully expecting to be held back , but [he]306-jesse releases [my]2813-john hand and [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] walking away , shocked and actually quite worried . ‘ [Baby]88-baby , please . [I]705-him ’ll do anything . Please , do n’t leave [me]705-him . ’[705-him] [His]705-him pleading voice halts [me]2813-john dead in [my]2813-john tracks , pain slicing through [me]2813-john . [I]2813-john ’m still so mad with [him]705-him . ‘[2813-john] Let [me]2813-john at least drive [you]706-you . [I]2813-john do n’t want [you]706-you on [the train]707-the train . Just ten minutes , that ’s all [I]2813-john ’m asking for . ’[2813-john] ‘ It ’ll be quicker on the tube . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john say quietly amid the roaring crowds . [I]2813-john turn to face [him]705-him . ‘ But [I]2813-john want to take [you]706-you . ’[2813-john] ‘ [We]3088-we wo n’t make it in time with the … ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john halt when it occurs to [me]2813-john that with [Jesse]306-jesse driving , [I]2813-john probably will make it . [He]705-him is clearly thinking the same because [his]705-him eyebrow is slightly raised . [I]2813-john ca n’t tell [him]705-him where [I]2813-john ’m going . [He]705-him ’ll have a seizure . [I]2813-john quickly wrack [my]2813-john tired brain and come up with only one option . [I]2813-john ’ll ask [him]705-him to drop [me]2813-john off around the corner from [the doctor]3089-the doctor . There are some residential properties close by . [He]705-him wo n’t know any different . [I]2813-john sigh ‘[2813-john] Where ’s [[your]708-your car]709-the car ? ’ The relief that washes over [his]705-him face is obvious , and it emphasises [my]2813-john guilt . Why [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] feeling guilty is beyond [me]2813-john , though . [I]2813-john watch [him]705-him slowly lift [his]705-him arm and take [my]2813-john hand gently , then slowly lead [me]2813-john back towards [a hotel]710-a hotel and into [the car park]711-the car park . [The valet]712-the valet produces the keys from [[his]712-the valet cabin]713-his cabin and hands [them]713-his cabin to [Jesse]306-jesse , and [he]712-the valet releases [me]2813-john only when [we]714-we get to [the car]709-the car so [I]2813-john can get in . Pulling out onto [Piccadilly]10-piccadilly , [he]712-the valet drives with consideration for the other road users and shifts gears gently , too . [His]712-the valet driving style is matching [his]712-the valet mood ; subdued . ‘ Where am [I]712-the valet going ? ’[712-the valet] [he]712-the valet asks as [he]712-the valet turns the music system on and XX , [Islands]109-islands filters through the speakers . Even the music is passive and soft . [I]2813-john scan [my]2813-john brain for a road name around the surgery , and [only one]715-only one comes to mind . ‘ [Luxemburg Gardens]12-luxemburg gardens . Hammersmith . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john say , looking out of the window . ‘ Okay , ’[712-the valet] [he]712-the valet answers quietly . [I]2813-john know [he]712-the valet ’s looking at [me]2813-john . [I]2813-john should turn and challenge [him]712-the valet , prompt [him]712-the valet to explain [himself]712-the valet better , but [my]2813-john despondency is getting the better of [me]2813-john . [He]712-the valet ’d better not mistake it for submission . [I]2813-john ’m not surrendering on this . [I]2813-john just need to get [myself]2813-john to [the doctor]3089-the doctor , minus one [Jesse]306-jesse , and get [my]2813-john awful situation remedied . * * * [He]712-the valet pulls into [Luxemburg Gardens]12-luxemburg gardens and drives slowly down [the tree lined street]3091-the tree lined street . ‘[2813-john] Here will do . ’ [I]2813-john indicate to the left , and [he]712-the valet pulls over . Now [I]2813-john pray that [he]712-the valet does n’t hang about . ‘[2813-john] Thank [you]712-the valet , ’ [I]712-the valet open the door . ‘[712-the valet] [You]712-the valet ’re welcome . ’[712-the valet] [he]712-the valet murmurs . [I]2813-john know if [I]2813-john turn and look at [him]712-the valet , [I]2813-john ’ll see cogs whirling at a million miles per hour and a concerned frown set in place on [his]712-the valet handsome head , so [I]2813-john do n’t . [I]2813-john step out of [the car]716-his car . ‘ Will [you]712-the valet have dinner with [me]712-the valet tonight ? ’[712-the valet] [he]712-the valet asks urgently , like [he]712-the valet knows [his]712-the valet chance is slipping . [I]2813-john take a deep breath and turn back towards [the car]716-his car . ‘ [You]712-the valet just asked for ten minutes , and [I]2813-john gave [them]3092-them to [you]712-the valet . [You]712-the valet said nothing . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john leave a despairing face of hurt and make [my]2813-john way across [the road]577-the road , but suddenly come to an abrupt halt when it occurs to [me]2813-john that [I]2813-john have [[no client]718-no client ’s house in which to disappear]719-no client ’s house in which to disappear . [I]2813-john need to back - track at least half a mile , and [I]2813-john ca n’t do that with [Jesse]306-jesse sat at the kerb in [[his]306-jesse car]716-his car . [I]2813-john pull [my]2813-john bag open and feign searching for something while mentally praying for [him]306-jesse to leave . [I]2813-john listen out for the roar , or possible purr , of the DBS and after what seems like forever , it finally reaches [my]2813-john ears . It ’s a purr . [I]2813-john look over [my]2813-john shoulder and watch [[his]306-jesse car]716-his car disappear down [the tree lined street]3091-the tree lined street before [I]2813-john head back the way [we]721-we came and over to [Brook Green]13-brook green . [I]2813-john feel nauseous , but [I]2813-john put it down to nerves . [I]2813-john ’m not sure how [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] going to approach this . After [my]2813-john numerous visits to [[our]721-we family doctor]722-our family doctor , seeking replacement pills and the lectures [I]2813-john received from [her]723-her each time , [I]2813-john ’m facing a grilling and an even sterner talk on carelessness . [She]723-her ’ll think [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] a glutton for punishment . [I]2813-john think [I]2813-john probably am . [I]2813-john check [myself]2813-john in and pick up a magazine from the waiting room table , then spend twenty minutes pretending to read it . [I]2813-john ’m fidgeting and pulling at [my]2813-john clothes to try and cool [myself]2813-john down . [I]2813-john really do feel sick , [my]2813-john nauseous state only worsened when , like an omen , [I]2813-john come across an article expressing the arguments for and against termination . A despairing laugh falls from [my]2813-john lips . ‘[2813-john] Something funny ? ’ [I]222-this man freeze in [[my]222-this man waiting room]3093-my waiting room chair as [Jesses]110-jesses familiar brogue washes over [me]222-this man , then [I]222-this man snap the magazine shut . ‘[222-this man] [You]222-this man followed [me]2813-john ? ’ [I]222-this man ask , completely stunned as [I]222-this man turn to face [him]222-this man . ‘[222-this man] [You]222-this man ’re [a rubbish liar]222-this man , [baby]222-this man . ’[222-this man] [he]222-this man states factually , but softly . [He]222-this man ’s right , [I]2813-john ’m shit at it , but [I]2813-john need to work on it if [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] going to stay with [this man]222-this man . If [I]2813-john ’m going to stay ? Did [I]2813-john really just think that ? ‘[2813-john] Are [you]222-this man going to tell [me]2813-john why [you]222-this man ’re at [the doctors]3094-the doctors and why [you]222-this man lied to [me]222-this man about it ? ’[222-this man] [He]222-this man rests [his]222-this man hand on [my]2813-john bare knee and circles it slowly as [he]222-this man watches [me]2813-john intently . [I]2813-john throw the magazine back on the table . There is no escaping [this man]222-this man . ‘ Just a check - up . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john mutter to [my]2813-john knee , trying to shift it from [his]222-this man grasp . ‘ A check - up ? ’[222-this man] [His]222-this man tone has altered significantly . [He]222-this man ’s not soft and soothing anymore . There ’s an edge of anger to it . [I]2813-john feel [his]222-this man hand tighten . [He]222-this man can not dictate this . ‘ Yes , ’[222-this man] ‘ Do n’t [you]3095-you think [we]3096-we should [we]3096-we doing this together ? ’[222-this man] [he]222-this man asks . Together ? [My]2813-john shock makes [my]2813-john angry eyes swing straight to [his]222-this man , finding curious greens greeting [me]2813-john . [I]2813-john scan [his]222-this man face , just as [he]222-this man does [mine]2813-john , and [his]222-this man hand eases up on [my]2813-john knee . [I]2813-john yank [my]2813-john leg away . ‘ Like the decision [you]3097-you made to try and get [me]2813-john knocked up ? Did [we]3098-we do that together ? ’[2813-john] ‘ No , ’[222-this man] [he]222-this man answers quietly , turning away from [me]2813-john . [I]2813-john stare at [his]222-this man perfect profile , unwilling to relent and turn away . [He]222-this man has some nerve and now [my]2813-john despondency has been thoroughly chased away and replaced with [my]2813-john earlier anger , only now it ’s amplified . ‘ [You]3097-you ca n’t even look at [me]306-jesse , can [you]3097-you ? [You]3097-you know what [you]3097-you ’ve done is wrong . [I]306-jesse pray to God [I]306-jesse ’m[306-jesse] not pregnant , [Jesse]306-jesse , because [I]2813-john would n’t inflict the shit [you]725-you put [me]2813-john through on [[my]2813-john worst enemy]726-my worst enemy , let alone [[my]2813-john baby]727-my baby . ’ It ’s [him]2813-john who looks shocked now . [His]2813-john eyes are narrowed , [his]2813-john hair starting to dampen at [his]2813-john temples from a stressed sweat . ‘[725-you] [I]2813-john know [you]725-you ’re pregnant , and [I]2813-john know how it ’ll be . ’[2813-john] ‘ Oh ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john do n’t bother restraining [my]2813-john laugh . ‘ How ’s that , then ? ’[2813-john] [His]2813-john face softens and [he]2813-john makes [my]2813-john heart slow when [he]2813-john reaches for [my]2813-john cheek and gently strokes it . [My]2813-john lips part slightly and [his]2813-john thumb runs over [my]2813-john bottom one , dragging it with [his]2813-john stroke as [he]2813-john watches . ‘ Perfect . ’[2813-john] [he]2813-john whispers , flicking [his]2813-john eyes to [mine]2813-john . [Our]728-our gazes are locked for a short time , but [I]2813-john ’m snapped from the spell that [he]2813-john places [me]2813-john under when [my]2813-john name is called , and [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] swiftly brought back to where [I]2813-john am and why . [My]2813-john anger swiftly returns , too . It would n’t be perfect . Maybe for [him]2813-john , but for [me]2813-john it would be torture . [I]2813-john ’m not setting [myself]729-she up for that . [I]729-she stand up , causing [his]2813-john hand to fall from [my]729-she knee and [his]2813-john other from [my]729-she face , but to [my]729-she utter shock , [Jesse]306-jesse quickly rises , too . Oh no ! [He]2813-john is not coming in with [me]729-she . This is going to be mortifying enough , without [[my]729-she neurotic [Lord]3099-lord]3099-lord adding to the messy equation . [Doctor Monroe]67-doctor monroe will likely have something to say about [me]729-she requesting an abortion , and that ’s without the added knowledge of [me]729-she being married . It would take far too much explaining . [I]729-she do n’t want to explain . Anyway , if [I]729-she am pregnant , [I]729-she need [Jesse]306-jesse not to know . [He]306-jesse would never let [me]729-she terminate [[his]306-jesse baby]3023-his baby , and [I]729-she hate to think of what lengths [he]306-jesse ’d go to in order to stop [me]729-she . [I]729-she can control [my]729-she poor lying for something this important . [I]729-she have no choice . It ’s the only way . ‘[729-she] Do n’t [you]729-she dare ! ’ [I]729-she grate , and [he]306-jesse recoils . ‘[729-she] Sit ! ’ [I]536-ava point to the chair and flash [him]306-jesse the most threatening face [I]536-ava can muster . It ’s hard . [I]536-ava could vomit at any moment . [I]536-ava feel terrible , and really really hot . Much to [my]536-ava utter shock , [he]306-jesse wisely lowers [himself]306-jesse back down to the chair gingerly , [his]306-jesse expression truly dazed by [my]536-ava outburst . [I]536-ava turn and leave [him]306-jesse looking like [he]306-jesse ’s been slapped in the face , and take a deep , encouraging breath before entering [[[my]536-ava doctor]67-doctor monroe ’s office]3102-my doctor ’s office . ‘[536-ava] [Ava]536-ava ! Good to see [you]729-she . ’ [Doctor Monroe]67-doctor monroe is probably one of [the nicest women [I]730-doctor have ever met]3103-the nicest women i have ever met — early fifties , a little bit of middle age spread and a sharp blonde bob . [She]67-doctor monroe has all the time in [the world]2908-the world for [you]729-she … normally . [She]67-doctor monroe was n’t so pleased when [I]730-doctor presented [myself]730-doctor for the third time to replace [my]730-doctor lost pills . ‘[730-doctor] And [you]729-she , [Doctor]730-doctor . ’ [I]730-doctor reply nervously , as [I]730-doctor perch [myself]730-doctor on the end of a chair . [She]67-doctor monroe looks concerned . ‘[730-doctor] Are [you]729-she okay ? [You]729-she look a bit green . ’ ‘[729-she] [I]2813-john ’m fine , [I]2813-john just feel a bit icky . It ’s probably the heat . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john fan [my]2813-john face . It ’s even hotter in here . ‘ Are [you]729-she sure ? ’[729-she] [she]729-she asks , genuinely concerned . [I]2813-john feel [my]2813-john chin start to tremble , only serving to increase the concern on [her]729-she round features . ‘ [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] pregnant ! ’ [I]2813-john blurt . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john know [you]729-she ’ll give [me]2813-john a hard time about the pills , but [I]2813-john really do n’t need it , so please do n’t make [me]2813-john feel any worse . [I]2813-john know [I]2813-john ’m [a fool]731-a fool . ’[729-she] [Her]729-she concern transforms into sympathy immediately . ‘ Oh , [Ava]536-ava . ’[729-she] [She]729-she reaches for [my]2813-john hand , and [I]2813-john feel like [I]2813-john could cry harder , [her]729-she empathy only making [me]2813-john feel like even more of [a hopeless fool]731-a fool . ‘ Here . ’[729-she] [She]729-she hands [me]2813-john a tissue , and [I]2813-john blow [my]2813-john nose nosily . ‘ When was [your]2813-john period due ? ’[2813-john] ‘ Today . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john answer swiftly . [Her]729-she eyes widen . ‘ Only today ? ’[729-she] [she]729-she asks . [I]2813-john nod . ‘ [Ava]536-ava , what makes [you]536-ava so certain . [Your]536-ava period can be a few days late , just as it can be early . ’[2813-john] ‘ Trust [me]2813-john , [I]2813-john know . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john sniffle . [I]2813-john ’m no longer in denial , and [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] facing this head - on . [My]2813-john emotions are all over [the place]2776-the place . [She]729-she frowns and reaches into [her]729-she drawer . ‘ Take this to [the toilet]444-the toilet . ’[729-she] [she]729-she says , handing [me]2813-john a pregnancy test . [I]2813-john very nearly ask if [I]2813-john can do the test in [[her]729-she office]733-her office , but with the absence of a toilet , [I]2813-john quickly realise the problem , so leaving [[Doctor Monroe]67-doctor monroe ’s office]733-her office , [I]2813-john peek down [the corridor]2909-the corridor to [the waiting area]735-the waiting area and see [Jesse]306-jesse ’s back . [He]306-jesse ’s still sitting down , but [he]306-jesse ’s leaning forward , elbows braced on [his]306-jesse knees with [his]306-jesse head in [his]306-jesse hands . [I]2813-john do n’t dwell on [his]306-jesse obvious despair and walk quickly into [the ladies]451-the ladies . Five minutes later , [I]2813-john ’m back with [[my]2813-john Doctor]67-doctor monroe and staring at the test , which is neatly positioned at the other end of [her]729-she desk . [She]729-she taps away on [her]729-she keyboard while [I]2813-john frantically tap [my]2813-john foot on the floor . [I]2813-john hold [my]2813-john breath when [she]729-she reaches over and picks the test up , looking down at it briefly before turning [her]729-she eyes on [me]2813-john . ‘[2813-john] Positive , ’ [she]729-she says simply , holding it up for [me]2813-john to see [myself]2813-john . [I]2813-john knew it would be , but the confirmation makes it even more of a reality , and it also enflames the hurt and madness that has brought [me]2813-john to this point in [my]2813-john life . [I]2813-john ca n’t seem to cry , though . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john want a termination . ’ [I]2813-john say clearly , looking straight into [Doctor Monroe]67-doctor monroe ’s eyes . ‘[2813-john] Can [you]2813-john please make the arrangements ? ’ [I]536-ava watch as [she]729-she visibly sags in [her]729-she chair . ‘[536-ava] [Ava]536-ava , of course , this is [your]536-ava decision , but it ’s [my]2813-john job to give [you]2813-john the options . ’ ‘[536-ava] Which are ? ’ ‘[536-ava] Adoption , support . There are many single mothers out there who manage just fine , and with [[your]737-your parent]738-your parent ’s support , [I]2813-john ’m certain [you]737-your ’ll be well looked after . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john cringe . ‘ [I]2813-john want a termination . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john repeat , ignoring all of [her]739-she advice and sincerity . [She]739-she ’s absolutely right , though . [I]2813-john would be looked after by [[my]2813-john parents]2767-my parents … if [I]2813-john was single . But [I]2813-john ’m not . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] married . ‘ Right , ’[739-she] [she]739-she sighs , ‘ Okay , [you]741-you ’ll need a scan to determine how far gone [you]741-you are . ’[739-she] [She]739-she starts re - tapping away on [her]739-she keyboard , while [I]2813-john sit feeling small and stupid . ‘ [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] prescribing some more pills so once [you]741-you ’ve sorted [yourself]741-you out , [you]741-you can make sure [you]741-you keep protected . [The hospital]742-the hospital will give [you]741-you plenty of information with regards to aftercare and side effects . ’ ‘[741-you] Thank [you]741-you . ’ [I]741-you murmur , taking the prescription from [her]739-she . [She]739-she does n’t release it immediately , and [I]741-you look up at [her]739-she . ‘[741-you] [You]741-you know where [I]2813-john am , [Ava]536-ava . ’ [She]739-she looks at [me]536-ava questioningly , obviously doubting [my]536-ava decision , so [I]536-ava offer a small smile to reinforce that [I]536-ava really am fine , that [I]536-ava ’m[536-ava] making the right choice . ‘ Thank [you]741-you , ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john say again , because [I]2813-john do n’t know what else to say . ‘ Take care , [Ava]536-ava . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john leave [[her]741-you office]733-her office and prop [myself]2813-john up against the wall outside . [I]2813-john feel sicker all of a sudden . ‘ [Ava]536-ava ! What ’s the matter ? ’[744-he] [He]744-he ’s at [my]2813-john side in a heartbeat , [his]744-he voice spiked with panic . [He]744-he hunkers down in front of [me]2813-john to get to [my]2813-john eye level . ‘ [Jesus]306-jesse , [Ava]536-ava . ’[744-he] A sweat breaks out across [my]2813-john forehead and [my]2813-john mouth is invaded with saliva . [I]2813-john know [I]2813-john ’m going to throw up . [I]2813-john dart across [the corridor]2909-the corridor and crash into [the ladies]451-the ladies , then proceed to eject the contents of [my]2813-john stomach in the first toilet [I]2813-john find . [I]2813-john brace [my]2813-john hands on the seat and ignore the compulsion to wash [my]2813-john hands immediately . [Jesse]306-jesse ’s big , warm palm is gently circling [my]2813-john back as [I]2813-john heave , and [he]306-jesse pulls [my]2813-john hair out of the way . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m fi … ’[2813-john] [My]2813-john stomach convulses again , and [I]2813-john let rip another evacuation . [I]2813-john crouch and slump in front of [the toilet]444-the toilet , resting [my]2813-john head on [my]2813-john arm . Why the hell do [they]746-they call it morning sickness when it hits [you]747-you randomly throughout the day ? [I]2813-john hear the door to [the ladies]451-the ladies open . ‘ Oh dear , should [I]2813-john get [you]747-you some water ? ’[2813-john] It ’s [Doctor Monroe]67-doctor monroe . If [I]2813-john had the energy , [I]2813-john would be concerned that [she]749-she ’s found [Jesse]306-jesse with [me]2813-john in [the toilets]442-the toilets . ‘ Please . ’[306-jesse] [Jesse]306-jesse replies . [I]2813-john hear the door close again and [Jesse]306-jesse squats down behind [me]2813-john , cradling [me]2813-john from behind . ‘ Are [you]747-you done ? ’[306-jesse] [he]306-jesse asks softly . ‘ [I]306-jesse do n’t know . ’[306-jesse] [I]2813-john still feel sick . ‘ It ’s okay , [we]3108-we can stay . Are [you]747-you okay ? ’[2813-john] ‘ [I]306-jesse ’m[306-jesse] fine . ’ [I]306-jesse say haughtily . [He]306-jesse does n’t say anything . [He]306-jesse takes the water from [Doctor Monroe]67-doctor monroe when [she]67-doctor monroe returns and assures [her]67-doctor monroe that [I]306-jesse ’m[306-jesse] in good hands . [I]2813-john do n’t doubt [him]306-jesse . [I]2813-john always feel safe in [his]306-jesse hands . If it was n’t for the small problem of [him]306-jesse being so sly and underhanded , [he]306-jesse would be perfect . [We]751-we would be perfect . [He]306-jesse remains crouched behind [me]2813-john , holding [my]2813-john hair back and offering [me]2813-john water every now and then whilst [I]2813-john compose [myself]2813-john . ‘ [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] good . ’ [I]2813-john assure [him]306-jesse as [I]2813-john wipe [my]2813-john mouth with tissue . [I]2813-john know there ’s no more to come up . [I]2813-john feel empty . ‘[2813-john] Here , ’ [He]306-jesse pulls [me]2813-john to [my]2813-john feet and settle ’s [my]2813-john hair down [my]2813-john back . ‘[2813-john] Do [you]752-you want some more water ? ’ [I]2813-john take the glass from [him]306-jesse and walk over to the sinks to wash [my]2813-john hands . [I]2813-john sip , swill and spit to clean [my]2813-john mouth out , and as [I]2813-john look up into the mirror , [I]2813-john see [Jesse]306-jesse standing behind [me]2813-john . [He]306-jesse looks worried . [I]2813-john brush [my]2813-john cheeks and ruffle [my]2813-john hair . ‘[2813-john] Let [me]2813-john take [you]752-you [home]2904-home . ’ [he]306-jesse says as [he]306-jesse comes to stand closer . ‘[306-jesse] [Jesse]306-jesse , [I]2813-john ’m fine , really . ’[306-jesse] [He]306-jesse reaches around [me]2813-john and strokes [his]306-jesse hand down [my]2813-john cheek . ‘ Let [me]306-jesse look after [you]752-you . ’[306-jesse] It suddenly registers that [he]306-jesse wants [me]2813-john to need [him]306-jesse . [He]306-jesse feels useless , [my]2813-john absence from [him]306-jesse since [I]2813-john walked out probably worsening it . Can [I]2813-john be so mean and deny [him]306-jesse this ? ‘ [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] okay . ’ [I]754-you step back and pick [my]754-you bag up from where [I]754-you dumped it . ‘[754-you] [You]754-you ’re not okay , [Ava]536-ava . ’[754-you] ‘ Something has n’t agreed with [me]2813-john , that ’s all . ’[2813-john] [My]2813-john hand is twitching by [my]2813-john side . ‘ For fuck sake , [lady]536-ava ! [You]754-you ’re[2813-john] at [the fucking doctor]755-the fucking doctor ’s , so do n’t tell [me]2813-john [you]754-you ’re fine ! ’[306-jesse] [He]306-jesse clutches at [his]306-jesse hair and shouts as [he]306-jesse swings [his]306-jesse body away from [me]2813-john in frustration . ‘ [I]306-jesse ’m[306-jesse] not pregnant . ’ [I]306-jesse blurt quickly , but then suddenly contemplate the horrific thought of [him]306-jesse not wanting [me]306-jesse if [he]306-jesse thinks that . [My]306-jesse heart constricts painfully in [my]306-jesse chest . [I]306-jesse feel sick again . ‘[306-jesse] What ? ’ [He]306-jesse ’s quickly facing [me]2813-john , [his]306-jesse eyes shocked , [his]306-jesse body twitching . [He]306-jesse really does want this badly . [I]2813-john fight [my]2813-john natural reflex , trying desperately to keep [my]2813-john hands by [my]2813-john side . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’ve had it confirmed , [Jesse]306-jesse . ’ ‘[306-jesse] Then why are [you]756-you throwing up all over [the place]2776-the place ? ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john have a bug . ’ [My]2813-john excuse is feeble , but by the look on [his]306-jesse face , which [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] definitely not mistaking as devastation , [he]306-jesse believes [me]2813-john . ‘ [You]756-you failed . [My]306-jesse period came . ’[306-jesse] [He]306-jesse does n’t know what to say . [His]306-jesse eyes are flicking all over [the bathroom]2800-the bathroom , and [he]306-jesse ’s still twitching . [My]2813-john fear is only strengthened by [his]306-jesse reaction to [my]2813-john lie . [I]2813-john ’m confused , exhausted and utterly heartbroken . [No baby]3109-no baby equals no [Jesse]306-jesse . It ’s all very clear now . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m not happy about this . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] taking [you]759-you home where [I]2813-john can keep an eye on [you]759-you . ’ [He]306-jesse takes [my]2813-john hand , but [I]2813-john pull it away , bristling immediately at [his]306-jesse comment . [He]306-jesse ’s not happy ? [He]306-jesse wants to keep an eye on [me]2813-john ? What , to check if [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] bleeding ? ‘ [You]759-you ’re[2813-john] never happy with [me]2813-john . ’ [I]2813-john look [him]306-jesse square in the eyes . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m always doing something to upset [you]759-you . Have [you]759-you thought that perhaps [you]759-you would be less not happy without [me]2813-john around ? ’[2813-john] ‘ No ! ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john looks horrified ‘ [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] worried , that ’s all . ’ ‘[2813-john] Well , do n’t be . [I]2813-john ’m fine . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john snap , leaving [the ladies]451-the ladies in a complete haze . [I]2813-john walk out of [the Doctor]3089-the doctor ’s , straight into the chemist outside of the surgery and hand [my]2813-john prescription over the counter , then sit [myself]2813-john in a chair and watch as [Jesse]306-jesse paces up and down outside with [his]306-jesse hands shoved into [his]306-jesse trouser pockets . Returning [my]2813-john body forward , [I]2813-john notice the pharmacist glancing up at [me]2813-john every now and again , and it ’s then [I]2813-john realise [he]306-jesse ’s probably thinking that [I]2813-john eat [my]2813-john pills . The temptation to explain [myself]2813-john nearly makes [me]2813-john stand and approach the counter , but [he]306-jesse calls [my]2813-john name , and [I]2813-john ’m approaching to take the paper bag from [him]306-jesse . ‘[306-jesse] Thank [you]2813-john , ’ [I]306-jesse smile before making [my]306-jesse escape , but only to go and face [[my]306-jesse brooding man]306-jesse outside . ‘[306-jesse] What ’s that ? ’ [His]306-jesse eyes are fixed on the bag . ‘[306-jesse] Back - up pills . ’ [I]306-jesse hiss in [his]306-jesse face . ‘[306-jesse] Now [we]762-we know that [I]2813-john ’m not pregnant , [I]2813-john want to stay that way . ’[2813-john] [His]306-jesse shoulders slump and [his]306-jesse head drops . [I]2813-john ’m battling consuming guilt at [his]306-jesse reaction to [my]763-my news , but [I]763-my have to ignore it . Sidestepping [him]306-jesse , [I]763-my start walking away , [my]763-my legs a little shaky , [my]763-my heart pounding relentlessly in [my]763-my chest . ‘[763-my] [You]763-my ’re not coming [home]2904-home , are [you]763-my ? ’[306-jesse] [he]306-jesse calls after [me]2813-john . [I]2813-john squeeze the bulge back in [my]2813-john throat and march on . No , [I]2813-john ’m not going [home]2904-home , but the plan was for just five days so [I]2813-john can avoid being caught lying to [him]306-jesse , then worry about [the hospital]742-the hospital when [I]2813-john get an appointment . But [his]306-jesse words carry an air of finality , and more worryingly , [he]306-jesse ’s not demanding that [I]2813-john stay with [him]306-jesse . If [I]2813-john remove [this baby]306-jesse from [my]2813-john life , it ’s becoming quite obvious that [I]2813-john ’ll be removing [Jesse]306-jesse , too . That thought alone has [my]2813-john emotions taking hold . A life without [Jesse]306-jesse ? [I]2813-john walk against the breeze , [my]2813-john face wet with tears . Chapter 9 The empty feeling was inevitable . The hollow , desolate , miserable feeling was inevitable . But the overwhelming guilt that has swamped [me]2813-john was not so expected . [I]2813-john fought off twinges here and there , when [he]306-jesse was in front of [me]2813-john , looking so defeated , but now [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] consumed by it . And [I]2813-john ’m furious for feeling like this . The lack of urgency to chase [my]2813-john scan appointment is also screwing with [my]2813-john mind . It ’s Friday . It ’s day number four without [Jesse]306-jesse . [My]2813-john week has been a steady torture , and [I]2813-john know it ’s never going to get better . [My]2813-john heart is slowly splitting , each day widening the crack until [I]2813-john know [I]2813-john ’ll probably cease functioning . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] close already . What hurts the most is the lack of contact , leaving [me]2813-john wondering if [Jesse]306-jesse is drowning in vodka , which also means [he]306-jesse ’s probably drowning in [women]253-women . [I]2813-john jump up from [my]2813-john desk and run to [the toilets]442-the toilets , throwing up immediately , but [I]2813-john do n’t think this is morning sickness , or anytime of the day sickness . This is grief . ‘ [Ava]536-ava , [you]536-ava really should go [home]2904-home . [You]536-ava ’ve not been right all week . ’[60-sarah] [Sally]60-sarah ’s concerned voice comes through the cubicle door . [I]2813-john heave [myself]2813-john up on a sigh and flush the chain before exiting to splash [my]2813-john face and wash [my]2813-john hands . ‘ Stupid bug hanging around . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john mutter . [I]2813-john glance at [Sal]60-sarah and admire [her]60-sarah grey pencil skirt and black blouse . [She]60-sarah really has transformed . The dowdy A - line skirts and high necked shirts are a distant memory . [I]2813-john have n’t asked , but with this consistent new attire , [I]2813-john assume dating is going well . ‘ Are [you]3113-you still seeing that internet bloke ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ask . [I]2813-john would refer to [him]766-he by name , but [I]2813-john have no idea what [he]766-he ’s called . ‘ [Mick]111-mick ? ’[60-sarah] [She]60-sarah giggles . ‘ Yes , [I]60-sarah am . ’[60-sarah] ‘ And it ’s going well ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john turn and lean against the sink , watching as [she]60-sarah starts brushing down [her]60-sarah skirt , then proceeds to smooth [her]60-sarah high ponytail . ‘ Yes ! ’[60-sarah] [she]60-sarah squeals , making [me]2813-john jump . ‘ [He]766-he really is perfect , [Ava]536-ava . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john smile . ‘ What does [he]766-he do ? ’[2813-john] ‘ Oh , some sort professional nonsense . [I]2813-john do n’t pretend to understand . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john laugh . ‘ Good . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john was just about to say be [yourself]767-yourself , but [I]2813-john think it ’s a little too late for that . [She]60-sarah certainly is n’t [the old Sal]768-the old sal anymore . [I]2813-john hear [my]2813-john phone shouting from [my]2813-john new desk . ‘ Excuse [me]2813-john , [Sal]60-sarah . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john leave [her]60-sarah in the mirror , re - applying [her]60-sarah red lipstick . Approaching [my]2813-john new , L - shaped , hardwood desk , [I]2813-john ignore the deep seated disappointment because [I]2813-john ’m not hearing [Angel]57-angel , but [I]87-ruth ca n’t ignore [my]87-ruth exasperation when [I]87-ruth see [the caller]3114-the caller is [Ruth Quinn]87-ruth , [[my]87-ruth tiresome but infectiously enthusiastic client]87-ruth , whom [I]87-ruth have spent way too much time on this week . ‘[87-ruth] Hi , [Ruth]87-ruth . ’ ‘[536-ava] [Ava]536-ava , [you]87-ruth still sound terrible . ’ [I]2813-john know , and [I]2813-john probably look terrible , too . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m feeling much better , [Ruth]87-ruth . ’[2813-john] That ’s because [I]2813-john ’ve just emptied [my]2813-john stomach again . ‘ Oh good . Can [we]3115-we arrange a meeting ? ’[87-ruth] [She]87-ruth does n’t sound so concerned for [me]2813-john , anymore . ‘ Is there a problem ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ask , hoping to [God]306-jesse there is n’t . [I]2813-john ’m trying to keep this project as smooth as possible because even though [Ruth]87-ruth seems pleasant enough , [I]2813-john predict [a tricky customer]3116-a tricky customer if things do n’t go [her]87-ruth way . ‘[2813-john] No problem . [I]2813-john just want to clarify a few details . ’ ‘[2813-john] [We]769-we can do that over the phone . ’ [I]2813-john prompt . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john would prefer to see [you]2813-john . ’ [she]87-ruth informs [me]2813-john . [I]2813-john sag in [my]2813-john chair . Of course [she]87-ruth would . [She]87-ruth always prefers to see [me]2813-john . [Her]87-ruth final invoice is going to be astronomical . One hour here and two hours there . [She]87-ruth ’ll have spent more money on [my]2813-john time than on the actual works . ‘[2813-john] Today . ’ [she]87-ruth adds . [I]87-ruth sag further on an audible groan . [I]87-ruth am not ending [my]87-ruth shitty week with [Ruth Quinn]87-ruth . [I]87-ruth practically started it with [Ruth]87-ruth on Tuesday , and [I]87-ruth ’ve had a mid - week interlude on Wednesday . Anyway , it ’s three in the afternoon . Does [she]87-ruth think [she]87-ruth ’s [[my]87-ruth only client]3117-my only client ? [I]87-ruth would n’t mind , but [she]87-ruth spends ten minutes clarifying what has already been clarified , then the next hour feeding [me]87-ruth endless cups of tea and trying to convince [me]87-ruth to join [her]87-ruth for drinks . ‘[87-ruth] [Ruth]87-ruth , [I]2813-john really ca n’t do today . ’ ‘[87-ruth] [You]87-ruth ca n’t ? ’ [She]87-ruth sounds irritated . ‘[87-ruth] Monday ? ’ Why did [I]87-ruth say that ? [I]87-ruth ’ll be starting [my]87-ruth week off with [Ruth Quinn]87-ruth again . ‘[87-ruth] Monday . Yes . [We]770-we ’ll do Monday . Eleven okay ? ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john can do eleven . ’ [I]2813-john flick through [my]2813-john diary and pencil [her]87-ruth in . ‘[2813-john] Lovely . ’ [She]87-ruth ’s back to [chirpy Ruth]87-ruth . ‘[2813-john] Have [you]87-ruth anything nice planned for the weekend ? ’ [I]2813-john stop writing , suddenly feeling very uncomfortable . [I]2813-john do n’t have anything nice planned for the weekend , apart from nursing [my]2813-john breaking heart , but before [I]2813-john can really consider what [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] about to say , [I]2813-john come right out and say it . ‘ No , nothing much . ’[2813-john] ‘ Oh ? [Me]771-she either . ’[771-she] [She]771-she ’s going to do it again , [I]2813-john know it . ‘ [We]3118-we should do drinks ! ’[2813-john] [My]2813-john forehead hits the desk . [She]771-she either ca n’t , or simply wo n’t , take a hint . [I]2813-john pull [my]2813-john heavy head up . ‘ Actually , [Ruth]87-ruth . [I]2813-john said nothing much , but [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] visiting [[my]2813-john parents in [Cornwall]15-cornwall]502-your parents . It ’s not much really , not fun , anyway . ’ [She]771-she laughs . ‘[2813-john] Do n’t let [[your]773-your parents]502-your parents hear [you]773-your say that ! ’ [I]2813-john force [myself]2813-john to laugh along with [her]771-she . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john wo n’t . ’ ‘[2813-john] Well , have a nice weekend doing nothing much with [[your]773-your parents]502-your parents , and [I]2813-john ’ll see [you]773-your on Monday . ’ ‘[87-ruth] Thanks , [Ruth]87-ruth . ’ [I]87-ruth hang up and glance at the clock . Another hour and [I]87-ruth can escape . * * * [I]87-ruth drag [my]87-ruth exhausted body up the stairs to [Kate]2774-kate ’s flat and head straight for [the kitchen]3044-the kitchen , opening the fridge and being immediately confronted with a bottle of wine . [I]87-ruth just stare at it . [I]87-ruth do n’t know how long for , but [my]87-ruth eyes are fixed on the damn thing . It takes the sound of a very familiar voice to pull [my]87-ruth eyes away , and [I]87-ruth turn , seeing [Kate]2774-kate , but [hers]2774-kate was n’t the familiar voice that caught [my]87-ruth attention . [Dan]464-dan walks in . [They]502-your parents both look as guilty as sin . ‘[87-ruth] What ’s going on ? ’ [I]87-ruth ask , slamming the fridge door . [Kate]2774-kate flinches , but remains quiet . [[My]87-ruth brother]71-my brother does n’t , though . ‘[87-ruth] None of [your]774-you business . ’ [he]71-my brother snipes , slipping [his]71-my brother hand around [Kate]2774-kate ’s waist from behind , and then kissing [her]2774-kate cheek . This is the first time [I]87-ruth ’ve seen or spoken to [him]71-my brother since [my]87-ruth wedding , and it ’s not playing out to be a happy reunion , either . [He]71-my brother frowns at [me]87-ruth . ‘[87-ruth] Maybe [I]2813-john should ask [you]774-you what ’s going on . Why are [you]774-you [here]2799-here ? ’ [I]774-you freeze in position and flick wide eyes to [Kate]2774-kate , catching [her]2774-kate very faint head shake . [She]2774-kate ’s not told [him]71-my brother . ‘[774-you] Just swinging by after work . ’ [I]774-you return [my]774-you eyes to [Dan]464-dan . ‘[774-you] When are [you]774-you going back to [Australia]4-australia ? ’ ‘[113-dunno] [Dunno]113-dunno . ’ [He]113-dunno shrugs , brushing [my]2813-john question off rapidly . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m off . ’[2813-john] ‘ Bye . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john spit , turning and re - opening the fridge to grab that bottle of wine . It should n’t be happening , given [my]2813-john own current state of affairs , but [I]2813-john ca n’t help interfering on this . [Kate]2774-kate is asking for trouble , and [I]2813-john ’m liking [[my]2813-john brother]71-my brother less and less by the day . [I]2813-john never thought [I]2813-john ’d be glad to see the back of [him]71-my brother . [I]2813-john ignore the exchange of goodbyes going on behind [me]2813-john and focus [my]2813-john attention on pouring a big glass of wine . By the time [I]2813-john ’ve sipped half , [I]2813-john hear footsteps going down [the stairs]3122-the stairs , and [I]2813-john turn to face [[my]2813-john stupid , red head friend]3123-my stupid , red head friend . ‘[2813-john] Are [you]776-you fucking mad ? ’ [I]776-you wave [my]776-you wine glass at [her]3123-my stupid , red head friend . ‘[776-you] Probably , ’ [she]3123-my stupid , red head friend grumbles , sitting [herself]3123-my stupid , red head friend down on a chair and signalling for some wine . ‘[776-you] How are [you]776-you feeling ? ’ ‘[776-you] Fine ! ’ [I]776-you grab another glass and pour some , passing it over the table to [her]3123-my stupid , red head friend . ‘[776-you] [You]776-you really are getting [yourself]776-you in a mess . ’ [She]3123-my stupid , red head friend scoffs and takes a quick slurp . ‘[536-ava] [Ava]536-ava , shall [we]777-we re - evaluate the situation here ? [You]776-you ’re [the one who ’s been married for less than a week]3124-the one who ’s been married for less than a week , has left [[your]776-you husband]2786-mr and is knocked up . ’[776-you] [I]2813-john recoil at [her]776-you harshness as [she]776-you eyes up the glass [I]2813-john ’m clenching . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] instantly on the defence . ‘ [I]776-you ’m[776-you] a few weeks . [Some women]778-some women do n’t find out until [they]778-some women ’re three months . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m trying to dampen down the burning guilt that ’s simmering in [my]2813-john gut . [She]776-you gets up , climbs onto [the worktop]3126-the worktop and lights a cigarette . ‘[2813-john] A few drinks wo n’t hurt [you]776-you , not that it matters . ’ [she]776-you says , opening the kitchen window and draping [her]776-you arm over the ledge . ‘[2813-john] Not that what matters ? ’ [I]776-you frown , and take a more reluctant sip . ‘[776-you] Well , [you]776-you ’re getting rid of it , are n’t [you]776-you ? ’[776-you] [She]776-you raises [her]776-you pale brows at [me]2813-john . The insensitive words spike at [my]2813-john conscience , but it does n’t stop [me]2813-john slurping more wine . [I]2813-john think [I]2813-john ’m more in denial now than [I]2813-john ever was . ‘[2813-john] Yes . ’ [I]2813-john mutter , sinking onto a chair , [my]2813-john thoughts wandering off somewhere . ‘[2813-john] Right ! ’ [Kate]2774-kate ’s assertive tone snaps [me]779-we from [my]779-we reverie . ‘[779-we] [We]779-we ’re going out . ’[779-we] ‘ Are [we]779-we ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john blurt . That ’s the last thing [I]2813-john want to do . ‘ Yes , [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] not letting [you]776-you mope around any longer . Has [he]780-i called ? ’ [She]781-she takes a drag of [her]781-she fag and looks at [me]780-i expectantly . [I]780-i wish [I]780-i could say yes . ‘[780-i] No , ’ [Her]781-she lips purse , and [I]780-i know [she]781-she ’s thinking it ’s strange , too . ‘[780-i] Get showered . [We]779-we ’re going for a quiet drink , not too much , though . ’[781-she] [she]781-she looks at [my]2813-john glass . ‘ Not that it matters , [I]781-she suppose . ‘[781-she] [I]2813-john do n’t think so , ’ [I]536-ava shake [my]536-ava head , [her]781-she further blasé words eating [me]536-ava up inside . [She]781-she sighs and flicks [her]781-she cigarette butt from the window before closing it and lowering [herself]781-she down . ‘[536-ava] Come on , [Ava]536-ava . [We]779-we ’ve not been out together for weeks . Just a sensible glass , and a chat , not about [Jesse]306-jesse or [Sam]2844-sam or [Dan]464-dan , just [us]779-we two like old times , before [all of [these men]262-men]262-men got between [us]779-we . ’ By old times , [she]781-she means [post - Matt]264-matt and [pre - Jesse]306-jesse . [We]779-we did have some laughs in those four weeks , before [The Lord of [the Sex Manor]2814-the sex manor]3127-the lord of the sex manor turned [my]262-men life upside down . ‘[262-men] Okay , ’ [I]783-i get up from the table . ‘[783-i] [You]783-i ’re right . [I]783-i ’ll get ready . ’[783-i] ‘ [Fab]114-fab ! ’[783-i] ‘ Thank [you]783-i for not telling [Dan]464-dan why [I]783-i ’m[783-i] here . ’ [She]783-i smiles and [we]784-we leave [the kitchen]3044-the kitchen together to get ready for a quiet drink and a chat . * * * [He]783-i ’s constantly on [my]783-i mind , and [I]783-i ’m[783-i] trying [my]2813-john hardest to put [him]783-i to the back , but when [we]784-we walk into [Baroque]16-baroque and [the first person [I]2813-john see]785-the first person i see is [Jay]786-jake , [the doorman]786-jake , [I]2813-john give in . [He]786-jake frowns at [me]2813-john as [I]2813-john walk past , dropping all conversation with [a fellow guard]787-a fellow guard , but [I]2813-john proceed to [the bar]2773-the bar without a word to the obviously curious skinhead . ‘ Wine ? ’[2774-kate] [Kate]2774-kate asks , as [she]2774-kate muscles in at [the bar]2773-the bar . ‘ Please , ’[2774-kate] [I]2813-john cast [my]2813-john eyes around [our]784-we preferred watering hole and immediately spot [Tom]84-tom and [Victoria]85-victoria . [I]2813-john do n’t even feel bad for being disappointed that [they]789-they ’re here . [I]789-they tap [Kate]2774-kate on the shoulder and [she]2774-kate turns [her]2774-kate head slightly . ‘[789-they] Did [you]790-you know [they]789-they would be here ? ’ [I]789-they ask . ‘[789-they] Who ? ’ [I]116-barbie nod in the direction of [[my]116-barbie gay friend]3130-my gay friend and sassy , sometimes [a bit dim , work colleague who are dancing over]3131-a bit dim , work colleague who are dancing over . [They]789-they have no idea what ’s happening in [my]116-barbie life . ‘[116-barbie] [Barbie]116-barbie and [Ken]105-mrs kent . ’ [I]116-barbie quip dryly . [I]116-barbie can tell by [Kate]2774-kate ’s eye roll that [she]2774-kate did n’t . ‘[116-barbie] Love the dress ! ’ [Tom]84-tom croons , stroking [my]116-barbie midriff . [I]116-barbie look down at the tight , black jersey dress that [I]116-barbie borrowed from [Kate]2774-kate . ‘[116-barbie] Thanks , ’ [I]791-she take the glass being handed over [Kate]2774-kate ’s shoulder . ‘[791-she] [You]791-she okay ? ’ [I]791-she ask [Victoria]85-victoria . [She]791-she fluffs [her]791-she hair and sweeps it over [her]791-she shoulder . ‘[791-she] Amazing . ’ Oh ? Not good or great , but amazing ? ‘[791-she] That good ? ’ [I]791-she ask , wishing [she]791-she could transfer some of that amazing over to [me]791-she . ‘[791-she] Yes , that good . ’ [She]791-she giggles . ‘[791-she] [She]791-she ’s in love again . ’ [Tom]84-tom nudges [Victoria]85-victoria in the side , spiking a heavy scowl from [the pretty blonde]3132-the pretty blonde . ‘[791-she] [I]2813-john ’m not , and that ’s rich , coming from the man - whore here ! ’[84-tom] [Tom]84-tom looks genuinely shocked , and for the first time in days , [I]2813-john laugh . It feels good . [Kate]2774-kate joins [us]792-us , and with a lack of free tables , [we]792-us just stand near [the bar]2773-the bar , chatting . [He]84-tom ’s still floating around in [my]2813-john mind , of course , but [[my]2813-john cunning best friend]794-my cunning best friend is doing a great job of distracting [me]2813-john for a while . That is until [I]2813-john look up and see [him]84-tom . [My]2813-john heart does n’t speed up … it stops . [I]2813-john ’ve not seen [him]84-tom since Monday , and if it ’s even possible , [he]84-tom looks more devastating than ever . [I]2813-john know immediately that [Jay]786-jake has called [him]786-jake , and [I]2813-john also know [I]2813-john ’m probably going to be dragged from [the bar]2773-the bar , but that does n’t stop [my]2813-john eyes from slowly dragging up [his]84-tom jean clad legs , onto [his]84-tom white shirt , up [his]84-tom neck and finally onto [his]84-tom face — the one that sends [my]2813-john eyes delirious with pleasure , even when [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] mad with [him]84-tom . [He]84-tom does n’t look mad and [he]84-tom does n’t look like [he]84-tom ’s been drinking . [He]84-tom looks fresh , healthy and as spectacular as ever . And [every other woman in [the bar]2773-the bar]795-every other woman in the bar thinks so , too . [They]797-they have noticed this breath - taking male , who ’s striding across [the bar]2773-the bar , some even following [him]84-tom . [His]84-tom sparkling greens land on [me]2813-john briefly and [my]2813-john heart resumes beating … very very fast . [His]84-tom face is expressionless as [he]84-tom stares at [me]2813-john for a few seconds before [he]84-tom slowly pulling [his]84-tom gaze away without so much as an acknowledgment to [my]2813-john presence . Then [he]84-tom continues to [the bar]2773-the bar with a flurry of women in tow . [I]2813-john ’m crushed , [my]2813-john racing mind thinking up all sorts of explanations for [his]84-tom quiet absence over the last four days — where [he]84-tom ’s been , what [he]84-tom ’s been doing . [He]84-tom ’s clearly not mourning [his]84-tom loss . [He]84-tom looks arrogant , confident and sickeningly handsome — just like [he]84-tom did on the day [I]2813-john met [him]84-tom . [They]3133-they are all familiar traits to [me]2813-john , but right now , [they]3133-they are all enhanced . [He]84-tom knows the effect [he]84-tom ’s having on [me]2813-john and all of [the other women dribbling at [his]84-tom heels]3134-the other women dribbling at his heels . Uncertainty and raging jealously are strangling [me]2813-john , and [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] still staring at [him]798-he , watching as [he]798-he assaults [the women surrounding [him]798-he]799-the women surrounding him with that fucking face , making [them]799-the women surrounding him disintegrate on the spot . Oh yes , there [he]798-he is , [[my]2813-john husband]420-my husband , looking like [he]798-he ’s just landed from planet fucking perfect . [My]2813-john eyes narrow as [I]2813-john watch a black haired , red dress woman stroke [his]798-he arm , and [I]2813-john literally hold [myself]2813-john back from physically removing [her]420-my husband . But [I]2813-john left [him]798-he , although [he]798-he ’s clearly not that bothered . [I]2813-john laugh to [myself]2813-john . [He]798-he needs [me]2813-john ? It certainly does n’t look like it . [I]2813-john ’m aware of the silence in [[our]3135-our group]3136-our group , so [I]2813-john drag [my]2813-john eyes away from [[my]2813-john bastard of [a husband]3138-a husband]3137-my bastard of a husband and see [Kate]2774-kate watching [me]2813-john closely , [Tom]84-tom dribbling along with [the other hussies]3139-the other hussies and [Victoria]85-victoria scuffing [her]2774-kate ridiculous heels on the bar floor in an awkward silence . [I]2813-john shake [my]2813-john head on a little laugh and take a massive swig of the wine [I]2813-john ’ve been carefully sipping , flicking [my]2813-john eyes briefly over in [his]801-he direction . [He]801-he knows [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] watching . If [he]801-he wants to play games , then [I]2813-john ’m willing , and [I]2813-john do n’t plan of settling for anything less than gold . ‘[2813-john] Let ’s dance . ’ [I]536-ava down the rest of [my]536-ava wine and slam the glass on the bar before pushing [my]536-ava way through the small crowds until [I]536-ava find [myself]536-ava on [the dance floor]459-the dance floor . When [I]536-ava turn around , [I]536-ava find [[my]536-ava three loyal friends]3141-my three loyal friends have all joined [me]536-ava . [Kate]2774-kate looks nervous . [I]536-ava make a snatch for [her]2774-kate wine , but [she]2774-kate swipes it away . ‘[536-ava] Do n’t be stupid , [Ava]536-ava . ’ [she]2774-kate warns seriously . ‘[536-ava] [I]2813-john know [you]536-ava ’re still pregnant . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m trying to piece together something to strike back with , but nothing is coming to [me]2813-john , so in an act of complete stupidity , [I]2813-john turn and stomp over to [the bar]2773-the bar . [I]2813-john know [he]3143-he ’s watching [me]2813-john , and [I]2813-john know [Kate]2774-kate is , too , but it does n’t stop [me]2813-john from ordering and then downing a fresh glass in one foul swoop before returning to the floor . ‘[2813-john] What are [you]536-ava trying to prove ? ’ [Kate]2774-kate yells at [me]2813-john . ‘[2813-john] Because if it ’s that [you]536-ava ’re a fucking twat , then [you]536-ava ’re[536-ava] succeeding . ’ [Her]2774-kate words would probably hit a nerve if the alcohol was n’t getting in the way . [I]802-my pissed off friend do n’t care . [I]802-my pissed off friend ’m[802-my pissed off friend] distracted from [[my]2813-john pissed off friend]802-my pissed off friend by [Tom]84-tom ’s squeal , [his]84-tom eyes lighting up when [the DJ]803-the dj launches [Rob D Clubbed]117-rob d clubbed to death . [He]803-the dj pounces on [me]2813-john . ‘ Get [me]803-the dj a whistle , shove [me]803-the dj in some hot pants and put [me]803-the dj on [that podium]3144-that podium ! [Ibiza]118-ibiza ! ’[803-the dj] [I]2813-john shut [my]2813-john mind down , cancelling out all thoughts of [[my]2813-john infuriating man]802-my pissed off friend , and let the music take [me]2813-john , [my]2813-john body falling into sync with the track , [my]2813-john arms rising above [my]2813-john head and [my]2813-john eyes closing . [I]2813-john ’m in a world of [my]2813-john own . [My]2813-john only awareness is of the loud music and [me]2813-john at the centre of it . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] lost . Numb . Silently devastated . But [he]804-his ’s near . [I]2813-john can sense [him]804-his . [I]2813-john can smell [his]804-his fresh water scent closing in , and then there ’s [his]804-his touch . [My]2813-john arms slowly fall as [I]2813-john feel [his]804-his palm slide across [my]2813-john stomach , [his]804-his groin pressing into [my]2813-john lower back , [his]804-his hot breath in [my]2813-john ear . [I]2813-john ’m surrounded by [him]804-his , and even though [I]2813-john should be pushing [him]804-his away , [I]2813-john ca n’t . [My]2813-john blank mind remains blank , and [I]2813-john start moving with [him]804-his as [he]804-his kisses [my]2813-john neck , [his]804-his hard cock pushing into [my]2813-john back . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] powerless to stop [my]2813-john head from falling slightly to the side , giving [him]804-his better access . [My]2813-john throat ’s taut , making [me]2813-john hyper - sensitive to [his]804-his firm tongue , which is trailing straight up [my]2813-john vein until [he]804-his ’s at [me]2813-john ear , breathing heavy , hot , controlled breaths . [I]2813-john ca n’t help it . [I]2813-john moan and push [myself]2813-john back , further into [him]804-his . The music seems to get louder , [his]804-his handling of [me]2813-john more severe and before [I]2813-john can open [my]2813-john eyes , [I]2813-john ’m being dragged from [the dance floor]459-the dance floor . [I]2813-john could try to stop [him]804-his , but [I]2813-john do n’t . [I]2813-john follow [his]804-his lead until [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] being pulled through [the corridor]2909-the corridor towards [the toilets]442-the toilets , everything around [me]2813-john seeming slow and slurred as [I]2813-john focus only on [his]804-his broad back in front of [me]2813-john . As [we]807-we approach the end of [the passageway]2909-the corridor , [I]2813-john glance back and see [Jay]786-jake watching [us]807-we , then [Jesse]306-jesse turns and gives [him]786-jake the nod before opening the door to [a disabled toilet]808-a disabled toilet and pushing [me]2813-john inside . The door is swiftly shut , the lock flipped and within a second , [I]2813-john ’m pushed up against the wall by [his]786-jake body . The music is louder , and [I]2813-john look up , seeing integrated speakers in the ceiling , but [my]2813-john face is soon yanked back down . [Our]807-we eyes meet . [His]786-jake greens are dark , completely smoked out and [his]786-jake lips are slightly parted . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] panting as [he]786-jake takes [my]2813-john wrists and pulls them up , pinning them on either side of [my]2813-john head before [he]786-jake leans in and takes [my]2813-john bottom lips between [his]786-jake teeth and bites down , then pulls away , dragging it between [his]786-jake grip . [I]2813-john ’ve lost all control of [my]2813-john bodily reactions . [My]2813-john belly is turning , shifting the thump that ’s hammering away inside of [me]2813-john straight down to [my]2813-john core . [I]2813-john ’m desperate for [him]786-jake , but the placing of [my]2813-john hands and [his]786-jake hard body compressed to [mine]2813-john is preventing [me]2813-john from moving anything but [my]2813-john head , so [I]2813-john reach forward with [my]2813-john lips , but [he]786-jake ducks [my]2813-john aim . This is going to be on [his]786-jake terms . [His]786-jake lips hover over [mine]2813-john , only millimetres from [my]2813-john reach . [His]786-jake hot , minty breath heats [my]2813-john face , but then [he]786-jake pulls away . [He]786-jake ’s teasing [me]2813-john . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] waiting for [him]809-his to ask if [I]2813-john want [him]809-his , and [I]2813-john ’m more than ready to blurt [my]2813-john answer . [My]2813-john husky voice breaks . ‘[2813-john] Kiss [me]2813-john , ’ [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] begging , [I]2813-john ’m aware of it , but [I]2813-john do n’t care . [I]2813-john want and need [him]809-his all over [me]2813-john . [His]809-his face is completely impassive as [he]809-his flexes [his]809-his grip on [my]2813-john wrists and increases the pressure of [his]809-his body against [mine]2813-john . [He]809-his slowly moves [his]809-his face forward , [his]809-his green orbs penetrating [me]2813-john completely , and tickles [my]2813-john lips with [his]809-his . [I]2813-john moan and try to capture them , but [he]2813-john pulls away again , still poker - faced , still completely controlled . Not [me]2813-john , though . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] about to go crazy with desperation . ‘ Kiss [me]2813-john , ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john demand harshly . [He]2813-john ignores [me]2813-john and shifts one of [my]2813-john arms across to meet the other , then takes both of [my]2813-john wrists in one grasp . With [his]2813-john other hand , [he]2813-john reaches down and places [his]2813-john fingertip on [my]2813-john knee , and slowly , lightly , [he]2813-john starts a painfully tormenting trail up [my]2813-john thigh , over [my]2813-john hip , across [my]2813-john ribs , [my]2813-john breast and up , up , up , until [he]2813-john has [my]2813-john neck completely encased by [his]2813-john palm , [his]2813-john thumb resting on the hollow of [my]2813-john throat , [his]2813-john fingers splayed at [my]2813-john nape . [My]2813-john pulse has accelerated , [my]2813-john heart is bucking wildly in [my]2813-john chest and [my]2813-john knees could give at any moment . And all of the time , [he]2813-john is burning holes through [me]2813-john with [his]2813-john addictive eyes . [I]2813-john could scream with frustration , which is no doubt [his]2813-john plan . [I]2813-john lean forward again , but [he]2813-john dodges [my]2813-john lips stealthily and homes straight in on [my]2813-john chest , nudging [my]2813-john dress down with [his]2813-john chin and latching onto [my]2813-john breast . [He]2813-john ’s freshening up [his]2813-john mark . [My]2813-john head falls back against the wall and [my]2813-john eyes close in hopelessness . The continuous buzzing between [my]2813-john thighs is excruciating , and [I]2813-john fear [he]2813-john ’s going to leave [me]2813-john like this . [He]2813-john ’s done it more than once . [He]2813-john ’s trampling [me]2813-john . [He]2813-john has no right to , but [I]2813-john ’m not putting the stoppers on this . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] craving this touch , and now it has started , [I]2813-john never want it to stop . With the music pumping loudly around [us]810-us , [you]811-you would think all other sounds would be drowned out , but [they]812-they ’re not . [My]812-they feverish breaths are thick and piercing . [Jesse]306-jesse ’s breathing , though , is slow , shallow and controlled . [He]2813-john is in complete control and calm in [his]2813-john tactics . [He]2813-john knows what [he]2813-john ’s doing . [I]812-they ’m[812-they] about to shout in frustration , but [I]2813-john ’m spun around and pushed back into the wall , [my]2813-john body crashing harshly against the tiles . [I]2813-john turn [my]2813-john face and rest [my]2813-john hot cheek on the coldness , and [his]2813-john knee comes up , separating [my]2813-john thighs . [He]2813-john takes [my]2813-john hands and places them , palms flat , against the shiny surface . [He]2813-john does n’t need to verbally tell [me]2813-john to keep them there . [His]2813-john firm placing and the slow removal of [his]2813-john grip tells [me]2813-john what ’s expected of [me]2813-john . That and [his]2813-john lips pushed to [my]2813-john ear . When [his]2813-john palms rest on the outside of [my]2813-john thighs and clench the hem of [my]2813-john dress , [my]2813-john breathing hitches further , and [I]2813-john begin to physically shake . [He]2813-john slowly pulls it up to [my]2813-john waist , and then [I]2813-john hear the fly of [his]2813-john jeans being pulled down . Impatient , [I]2813-john push [my]2813-john arse out invitingly , only to have [his]2813-john hand collide with [my]2813-john cheek , the instant sting on [my]2813-john bareness spiking a scream . ‘[2813-john] Fuck ! ’ [I]306-jesse pant , earning [myself]306-jesse another swift slap . ‘[306-jesse] [Jesse]306-jesse ! ’ [I]306-jesse turn [my]306-jesse face towards the wall , resting [my]306-jesse forehead against the tiles , [my]306-jesse scorching breath steaming up the black , shiny surface . How long is [he]2813-john going to do this ? How long will [he]2813-john make [me]306-jesse suffer ? But then [my]306-jesse hips are pulled back , [my]306-jesse knickers yanked to the side and [he]2813-john slams into [me]306-jesse . [I]306-jesse yell at the shock , fast invasion , but [he]2813-john is silent , not even panting , not even shaking . [He]2813-john slowly pulls back , holding [himself]2813-john steady for a few moments , before [he]2813-john powers forward again . [My]306-jesse stomach twists , [my]306-jesse head is whirling and [my]306-jesse forehead is rolling from side to side across the tiles . [I]306-jesse do n’t know what to do with [myself]306-jesse . [I]306-jesse ’m[306-jesse] struck again , hard and fast , and [I]2813-john scream , but the music drowns [me]2813-john out . Slowly , [he]813-his pulls out , and [I]2813-john feel a hand leave [my]2813-john hip , sliding up [my]2813-john body until [he]813-his ’s holding the back of [my]2813-john neck . [His]813-his grip twists , prompting [my]2813-john head to turn out to the side , and then [his]813-his lips are on [mine]2813-john . [I]2813-john moan , accepting [his]813-his hard mouth and delighting in the familiarity . [I]2813-john do n’t get nearly enough , just a little teaser of what [I]2813-john ’ve been missing out on , before [he]813-his leaves [me]2813-john craving so much more . Keeping deadly still for a few seconds , [he]813-his then shifts [his]813-his feet and rears back before really letting go of [his]813-his control . [I]2813-john ’m yanked back to meet [him]813-his over and over again , each forceful , punishing blow assisting [me]2813-john in achieving [my]2813-john main aim : ultimate detonation . And just when [I]2813-john think [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] there , [he]813-his pulls out and spins [me]2813-john around , lifting [me]2813-john up to straddle [him]813-his . [He]813-his slips straight back in , [my]2813-john arms fall around [his]813-his neck and [he]813-his charges forward , quickly re - capturing [my]2813-john bubbling orgasm . [My]2813-john head falls back and the warmness of [his]813-his mouth is straight on [my]2813-john throat , biting , sucking and licking . [I]2813-john start trembling as the pulses riddling [my]2813-john entire body all collect together and find [their]814-their way to the tip of [my]2813-john clitoris . [I]2813-john ’m screaming before [I]2813-john ’ve even climaxed , but then the rush of pressure soars and flings [me]2813-john into an abyss of intoxicating pleasure and [I]2813-john shatter , screaming louder , and [I]2813-john know [he]813-his ’s come too , even though [he]813-his remains silent . [My]2813-john head drops , finding a sweat covered face , glazed greens and still a straight , unemotional , unaffected face . It completely baffles [me]2813-john . [I]2813-john shift [my]2813-john hands to [his]813-his hair and pull [him]813-his forward , but [he]813-his resists , instead moving [his]813-his hands to [my]2813-john legs and pushing them down from [his]813-his body . [I]2813-john find [my]2813-john feet , keeping [myself]2813-john relatively stable by leaning against the wall while [I]2813-john watch [him]813-his . [He]813-his slides [his]813-his hand into [my]2813-john knickers , collecting the wetness , and runs [his]813-his palm all over [my]2813-john chest before [he]813-his wipes [his]813-his brow , re - fastens [his]813-his trousers , turns and walks out . Chapter 10 [I]2813-john straighten [myself]2813-john out and do [my]2813-john best to compose [my]2813-john ruffled state . It ’s no good . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] shocked . [He]815-he never said one word from finding [me]2813-john on the dance floor to leaving [me]2813-john alone in the disabled toilet of a bar , where [he]815-he ’s just fucked [me]2813-john . Not made love or even had wild sex . [He]815-he just fucked [[his]815-he wife]79-irene , like [I]2813-john ’m [some tart who [he]815-he picked up in a bar]3146-some tart who he picked up in a bar . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] injured , [my]2813-john uncertainties even stronger than ever before . What do [I]2813-john do now ? [I]2813-john fly around when the door swings open and [Kate]2774-kate barrels in . ‘ There [you]2844-sam are ! [We]3147-we ’re[2774-kate] leaving ! ’ ‘[2774-kate] Why ? ’ [She]2774-kate looks panicked . ‘[2844-sam] [Sam]2844-sam ’s here . ’ Is that all ? ‘[2844-sam] [You]2844-sam can cope with that , ca n’t [you]2844-sam ? ’ ‘[2844-sam] And [[your]2844-sam brother]419-your brother . ’ [she]2774-kate adds dryly . ‘[2844-sam] Oh … ’ ‘[2844-sam] Yes , oh . Come on , ’ [She]2774-kate grabs [my]2844-sam hand and pulls [me]2844-sam from [the toilet]444-the toilet . ‘[2844-sam] Where ’s [Jesse]306-jesse ? ’ [she]2774-kate asks as [we]3147-we pass the bar entrance . [I]306-jesse glance through and see [him]306-jesse standing at [the bar]2773-the bar , a glass of clear liquid in one hand , and in [his]306-jesse other … [a woman]3150-a woman ’s arse . [I]306-jesse see red . [I]306-jesse yank [my]306-jesse hand from [Kate]2774-kate ’s and steam towards [my]306-jesse fucked up , fucking twat of [a husband]3138-a husband . ‘[306-jesse] Hey , [Ava]536-ava ! [I]2813-john need to leave ! ’ [Kate]2774-kate calls . [I]536-ava ignore [her]2774-kate and fight [my]536-ava way through [the crowd]2820-the crowd . [He]2799-here looks up and clocks [me]536-ava , but [his]2799-here eyes do n’t widen , [he]2799-here does n’t look guilty or like [he]2799-here ’s been caught out . Why would [he]2799-here ? [He]2799-here knows [I]536-ava ’m[536-ava] [here]2799-here because [he]2799-here just fucked [me]2813-john and marked [me]2813-john in [the toilets]442-the toilets . [I]2813-john catch a glimpse of [Sam]2844-sam , who looks more fearful than [Jesse]306-jesse at [my]2813-john determined approach . The first thing [I]2813-john do when [I]2813-john reach [him]2799-here is snatch the glass from [his]2799-here hand and down it . It ’s water . [I]2813-john drop it to the floor , the smashing of glass only just breaking the loud roar of music and chatting , then [I]2813-john pivot towards [the woman]60-sarah , who now has [her]60-sarah hand on [[my]2813-john neurotic [Lord]3099-lord]3099-lord ’s tight arse . ‘ Fuck off . ’[60-sarah] [I]2813-john yell in [her]60-sarah face , physically removing [her]60-sarah hand from [Jesse]306-jesse . [I]2813-john do n’t need to repeat the move when it comes to [Jesse]306-jesse ’s palm on [her]60-sarah backside . That has already been wisely removed , and there is no need for [me]2813-john to repeat [my]2813-john words , either . [The woman]60-sarah ’s eyes widen and [she]60-sarah backs away cautiously . It ’s probably the most sensible move [she]60-sarah ’s ever made . [I]2813-john feel lethal . ‘ What the fuck are [you]3153-you doing ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john scream at [him]306-jesse . [His]306-jesse eyebrows raise slowly , a hint of a smirk breaking the corner of [his]306-jesse lush mouth . It ’s the first emotional reaction [I]2813-john ’ve gotten from [him]306-jesse since [he]306-jesse walked into [the bar]2773-the bar . But [he]306-jesse does n’t say anything . ‘ Answer [me]306-jesse ! ’[306-jesse] [He]306-jesse shakes [his]306-jesse head and turns towards [the bar]2773-the bar , signalling [the barman]823-the barman over . Oh , [he]306-jesse asked for this . [I]2813-john turn and see [all three of [[my]2813-john friends]71-my brother]824-all three of my friends , plus [Sam]2844-sam and [[my]2813-john brother]71-my brother , all standing in shocked silence . [I]2813-john ’m shocked [myself]2813-john , but [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] far from silent . ‘ Move ! ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john shout and push [my]2813-john way between [them]824-all three of my friends , striding determinedly towards [the dance floor]459-the dance floor . It does n’t take [me]2813-john long to find what [I]2813-john ’m looking for , [I]2813-john get plenty of offers when [I]2813-john hitch the hem of [my]2813-john dress up , but [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] not doing this with just [anyone]2929-anyone . [I]2813-john take a few brief seconds to scan the selection and [home]2904-home straight in on [a tall , dark haired , blue eyed man]829-a tall , dark haired , blue eyed man . [A hot man]829-a tall , dark haired , blue eyed man . [I]2813-john do n’t give [myself]2813-john time to consider rejection . [I]2813-john walk straight up to [him]829-a tall , dark haired , blue eyed man , let [him]829-a tall , dark haired , blue eyed man drink [me]2813-john in for a few moments , before [I]2813-john slip [my]2813-john hand around [his]829-a tall , dark haired , blue eyed man neck and move in . [He]829-a tall , dark haired , blue eyed man accepts willingly , pushing [his]829-a tall , dark haired , blue eyed man tongue into [my]2813-john mouth without delay and slipping [his]829-a tall , dark haired , blue eyed man arm around [my]2813-john waist . [I]2813-john scorn [myself]2813-john for thinking how good [he]829-a tall , dark haired , blue eyed man is , and [I]2813-john soon fall into [his]829-a tall , dark haired , blue eyed man steady rhythm , until [he]829-a tall , dark haired , blue eyed man is suddenly gone . [I]2813-john open [my]2813-john eyes and see [the strange man]829-a tall , dark haired , blue eyed man scowling at [Jesse]306-jesse . ‘ What the fuck ? ’[829-a tall , dark haired , blue eyed man] [he]829-a tall , dark haired , blue eyed man shouts incredulously , to which [Jesse]306-jesse replies by drawing [his]829-a tall , dark haired , blue eyed man fist back and punching [the poor guy straight in the face]830-the poor guy straight in the face … hard . [I]2813-john watch in horror as [his]829-a tall , dark haired , blue eyed man nose splatters and blood sprays everywhere . It does n’t stop [him]829-a tall , dark haired , blue eyed man , though . [He]829-a tall , dark haired , blue eyed man goes straight back at [Jesse]306-jesse , tackling [him]829-a tall , dark haired , blue eyed man to the floor , fists flying , throats being squeezed and [everyone]2825-everyone moving back to give [the two big men room]832-the two big men room to fight . ‘ [Ava]536-ava , what the fuck were [you]536-ava thinking ? ’[2844-sam] [Sam]2844-sam ’s angry voice stabs at [my]2813-john ears from the side , and [I]2813-john look up to find an accusing stare . [I]2813-john do n’t know what [I]2813-john was thinking . [I]2813-john do n’t think [I]2813-john was thinking at all . [I]2813-john follow [Sam]2844-sam ’s gaze back to the floor , just as [Jesse]306-jesse takes a clean swipe of a fist to [his]306-jesse jaw . [I]2813-john wince . ‘ [Sam]2844-sam , please stop [them]3154-them . ’[2813-john] All [I]2813-john can see is [Jesse]306-jesse ’s white shirt smothered in red and [the other guy]833-the other guy ’s face mangled , [his]306-jesse nose clearly broken . ‘ Are [you]2844-sam fucking mad ? ’[2844-sam] [Sam]2844-sam laughs . [I]2813-john ’m just about to start begging when [Jesse]306-jesse gets to [his]306-jesse feet and drags [the man]306-jesse up , pinning [him]306-jesse against a pillar before bringing [his]306-jesse knee up and striking with a full on , hard blow to the ribs . [The man]306-jesse crumbles to the floor with [his]306-jesse arms wrapped around [his]306-jesse torso . [I]2813-john feel horrible , and not because [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] watching [[my]2813-john husband]420-my husband rub [his]420-my husband sore jaw . [I]2813-john feel responsible for [the poor stranger]833-the other guy , who [I]2813-john targeted to get the crap beaten out of [him]833-the other guy . What the hell is wrong with [me]2813-john ? [I]2813-john gasp as [I]2813-john ’m shoved out the way and [Jay]786-jake charges through , doing a quick assessment of the situation before practically diving on [Jesse]306-jesse and manhandling [him]306-jesse out of [the bar]2773-the bar . [I]2813-john move back as [they]3156-they pass [me]2813-john , but [Jesse]306-jesse fights against the skinhead and grabs hold of [me]2813-john . ‘[2813-john] Get [your]835-your fucking arse outside . ’ [he]306-jesse growls at [me]2813-john . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] suddenly very aware that [I]2813-john ’ve made a grave mistake , and not wanting to face the music that will be a raging beast of [a man]448-a man outside , [I]2813-john decide [my]2813-john safest option is to remain in [the bar]2773-the bar . [I]2813-john struggle against [Jesse]306-jesse , and [he]306-jesse struggles against [Jay]786-jake . [I]2813-john can hear [the doorman]786-jake cursing as [he]306-jesse battles with [us]838-us . ‘ Out ! ’[306-jesse] [he]306-jesse shouts , and [I]2813-john ’m abruptly lifted from [my]2813-john feet and secured against [the doorman]786-jake ’s chest . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’ll carry [her]839-her out if [you]840-you remove [your]840-you stubborn fucking arse from [the bar]2773-the bar ! ’ [he]306-jesse yells at [Jesse]306-jesse . It works , but not before [Jesse]306-jesse snarls at [the doorman]786-jake . ‘[2813-john] Keep [your]840-you fucking hands exactly where [they]841-they are . ’ In [my]2813-john crazed state , [I]2813-john register exactly where [Jay]786-jake ’s hands are — one holding [me]2813-john around [my]2813-john waist and the other clenching [my]2813-john forearm . [I]2813-john defiantly wriggle . ‘[2813-john] Get the hell off [me]2813-john ! ’ ‘[306-jesse] [Ward]306-jesse , how the fuck do [you]840-you put up with this ? ’ [Jay]786-jake asks as [he]786-jake paces out of [the bar]2773-the bar . What ? ‘[842-she] [She]842-she drives [me]2813-john fucking crazy . ’ [Jesse]306-jesse answers , flicking [me]842-she a critical stare before re - focusing [his]306-jesse attention forward and rubbing [his]306-jesse jaw . ‘[842-she] Be careful with [her]842-she . ’ [I]842-she ’m[842-she] gently placed on [my]2813-john feet and given a disapproving headshake by [Jay]786-jake while [he]786-jake claps hands with [Jesse]306-jesse and leaves [us]843-us on [the pavement]844-the pavement . [We]843-us ’re both glowering at each other when [everyone]2825-everyone comes rushing out of [the bar]2773-the bar , including [Dan]464-dan . [I]845-you do n’t need [him]464-dan seeing this . ‘[845-you] Fuck off , all of [you]845-you ! ’ [Jesse]306-jesse roars . [Dan]464-dan steps forward . ‘[2813-john] [You]845-you think [I]2813-john ’m leaving [her]2774-kate with [you]845-you ? ’[786-jake] [He]786-jake laughs . [I]2813-john pray for [Dan]464-dan to just shut the hell up because after what [I]2813-john ’ve just witnessed , there is absolutely no question that [Jesse]306-jesse will annihilate [[my]2813-john brother]71-my brother . [I]2813-john turn slowly back to face [Kate]2774-kate with a help face , but all [I]2813-john get is [Kate]2774-kate ’s pursed lips and the rest of [them]847-they frantically flicking eyes from [Dan]464-dan to [Jesse]306-jesse . [They]847-they have seen [madman Jesse]306-jesse . [They]847-they ’re not going to help . [Jesse]306-jesse takes [my]847-they elbow and points [his]306-jesse glare at [Dan]464-dan . ‘[847-they] [You]848-you do n’t mind if [I]2813-john take [[my]2813-john wife]464-dan [home]2904-home , do [you]848-you . ’ It ’s a statement , not a question . ‘[847-they] Yes , actually , [I]2813-john do . ’ [Dan]464-dan ’s not going to back down here . [I]464-dan can see it in the steely sheen of [his]464-dan dark eyes . ‘[464-dan] [Dan]464-dan , it ’s fine . [I]2813-john ’m fine . Just go . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john turn to face [the rest of [the group]852-the group]851-the rest of the group . ‘ [All of [you]848-you]851-the rest of the group , please , just go . ’[2813-john] But [no one]548-no one makes the first move to leave . [Jesse]306-jesse ’s grip on [me]2813-john increases . ‘ What the fuck do [you]848-you think [I]306-jesse ’m[306-jesse] going to do ? ’ [he]306-jesse bellows . ‘[464-dan] [This woman]464-dan is [my]2813-john fucking life ! ’ [I]306-jesse recoil at [his]306-jesse fierce declaration , and so do the others , including [Dan]464-dan . If [I]306-jesse ’m[306-jesse] [his]306-jesse life , then where has [he]306-jesse been for the last four days ? Why did [he]306-jesse take [me]2813-john like [I]2813-john ’m nothing more than an object ? And why did [he]306-jesse have [his]306-jesse hands on [that woman]464-dan at [the bar]2773-the bar ? [I]306-jesse wrench [my]306-jesse arm from [him]306-jesse and step back , taking a quick glance at [[my]306-jesse friend]3160-my friend . [I]306-jesse ’m[306-jesse] not sure what for — guidance , maybe , because [I]2813-john do n’t know what to do . [She]854-she gives [me]2813-john a subtle shake of [her]854-she head . It ’s a don’t - kick - up - a - stink shake . [My]2813-john argumentative side is shouting , do n’t let [him]306-jesse show [you]855-you up and [my]2813-john fractionally sensible side is appeasing , do n’t show [YOURSELF]855-you up . With the encouragement of [Kate]2774-kate ’s reassuring look , [I]2813-john walk over to [her]2774-kate while pulling the hem of [my]2813-john dress down , and stupidly or not , in one last act of defiance , [I]2813-john grab [her]2774-kate wine and down [the lot]856-the lot . ‘ [Ava]536-ava ! ’[2774-kate] [She]2774-kate tries to stop [me]2813-john , but [I]2813-john ’m on a mission now . ‘[855-you] See [you]855-you later . ’ [I]2813-john say as [I]2813-john grab [my]2813-john clutch from [her]2774-kate other hand and turn towards [Jesse]306-jesse . [His]857-he lip is curled in warning , but [I]2813-john could n’t care less . Everything [he]857-he has done tonight is playing on repeat in [my]2813-john head and with each re - play , [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] getting angrier . ‘ Do n’t bother following [me]857-he . ’[857-he] [He]857-he looks down at [me]2813-john , the fury in [his]857-he expression more than evident . [I]2813-john hope [my]2813-john displeasure is obvious , too , but just in case it ’s not , [I]2813-john throw [him]857-he a disgusted look before [I]2813-john push past [him]857-he and use all of [my]2813-john concentration not to stagger . [I]2813-john should n’t have drunk that wine , for more reasons than one . [I]2813-john haphazardly step into [the road]577-the road to hail [a cab]859-a cab , but [I]2813-john do n’t even get [my]2813-john arm in the air . ‘ Do n’t step out into [the fucking road]577-the road ! ’[857-he] [he]857-he growls , slinging [me]2813-john over [his]857-he shoulder . ‘ [[You]306-jesse stupid woman]306-jesse ! ’[857-he] ‘ Fucking hell , [Jesse]306-jesse ! ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m taken from [the road]577-the road , back to [the pavement]844-the pavement . ‘[2813-john] Put [me]2813-john down ! ’ ‘[857-he] No ! ’ ‘[306-jesse] [Jesse]306-jesse , [you]306-jesse ’re hurting [me]2813-john ! ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m immediately lowered and instantly have concerned greens running all over [my]306-jesse body . ‘[306-jesse] [You]306-jesse ’re hurt ? Where ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john smack [my]2813-john palm on [my]2813-john chest . ‘ Just there ! ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john scream in [his]857-he face . [He]857-he recoils , but then performs the same little rendition , thumping [his]857-he own chest over [his]857-he blood stained shirt . ‘ Join [the fucking club]3162-the fucking club , [Ava]536-ava ! ’[857-he] [he]857-he roars . [I]2813-john flinch at the sound level of [his]857-he voice before turning on [my]2813-john slightly drunken heels and storming off . ‘ [The car]709-the car is this way . ’[857-he] [he]857-he shouts from behind [me]2813-john . [I]2813-john stop and carefully carry out an about turn before marching back in the other direction . There is little point in trying to get away . [I]2813-john ’m tipsy , and [he]857-he ’s determined . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john do n’t like [your]860-your dress . ’ [I]2813-john hear [him]857-he snarl from behind [me]2813-john . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john do . ’ [I]2813-john counter , walking on . ‘[2813-john] And why is that ? ’ [He]857-he catches up with [me]2813-john . It ’s not hard . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] drunk and in heels . [I]2813-john stop and swing to face [him]857-he . ‘ Because [I]2813-john knew [you]862-you would n’t ! ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john shout , drawing a little attention from [passers]861-passers - by . ‘ [You]862-you ’re[2813-john] right ! ’ [he]857-he yells back at [me]308-another man . ‘[308-another man] Good ! Is that the only reason [you]862-you ’re pissed , or is it because [I]308-another man ’m[308-another man] drunk , or is it because [I]2813-john kissed [another man]308-another man ? ’ ‘[308-another man] All of the above but kissing [another man]308-another man gets the fucking gold ! ’ [He]308-another man ’s shaking with anger . ‘[308-another man] [You]862-you had [your]862-you hand on [another woman]536-ava ’s arse ! ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john know ! ’ [He]857-he glares at [me]2813-john , and [I]2813-john glare right back . ‘[2813-john] Why ? Getting bored of keeping it for just [one woman]536-ava ? ’ [I]2813-john screech , and then tense , looking around to see who has heard [my]2813-john little outburst . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] relieved to see [[our]865-our friends]866-our friends have all escaped the scene . [I]2813-john could have chosen to rebuke [him]308-another man on [his]308-another man possessiveness or jealousy but no , [I]2813-john pick [his]308-another man sexual history . [He]308-another man narrows [his]308-another man dark green eyes on [me]2813-john , [his]308-another man lips forming a straight line . ‘ [You]308-another man fucking asked for it , [woman]536-ava ! ’[308-another man] ‘ [Me]308-another man ? How ? ’[308-another man] ‘ [You]308-another man left [me]867-me ! [You]308-another man promised [you]308-another man would never leave [me]867-me ! ’[867-me] [We]867-me stand opposite each other , staring each other down like a pair of circling wolves , [neither one of [us]867-me]294-neither one of us backing down . [We]867-me both have cause for grievance . Of course , [mine]2813-john is the stronger argument , but [I]2813-john ’m not prepared to stand in the middle of [the street]3164-the street all night , just to prove a point . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] not as stubborn as [he]308-another man is . ‘ [You]308-another man should n’t have taken it upon [yourself]308-another man to decide [my]2813-john future . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john say more calmly and carry on towards [the car]709-the car , staggering slightly towards the kerb . [I]2813-john ’ve no idea where it is parked , but [I]2813-john ’ve no doubt some directions will be barked at [me]2813-john soon enough . ‘ [You]308-another man ’re[2813-john] a fucking pain in the arse . ’ [he]308-another man snaps . ‘[2813-john] And [I]2813-john was thinking about [our]867-me future . ’ [He]308-another man scoops [me]306-jesse up from behind and carries [me]306-jesse in [his]308-another man arms . ‘[306-jesse] [Jesse]306-jesse , put [me]2813-john down . ’ [I]2813-john complain weakly . [My]2813-john meagre attempt to wriggle free is really quite pathetic . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m not putting [you]2813-john down , [lady]2813-john . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john give in . [My]2813-john body is weak , [my]2813-john mind even weaker and [my]2813-john throat sore and raspy from too much shouting . [I]2813-john let [him]306-jesse carry [me]2813-john to [the car]709-the car and deposit [me]2813-john in the passenger seat , not even kicking up a stink when [he]306-jesse leans over to buckle [me]2813-john in . [He]306-jesse mumbles incoherently as [he]306-jesse pulls the hem of [my]2813-john dress down and then slams the door . [I]2813-john ’m aware of [him]306-jesse getting in [the car]709-the car , and [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] vaguely aware of the pleasant sounds of [Ed Shearan]119-ed shearan , but then mental exhaustion overwhelms [me]2813-john and [I]2813-john can no longer find the energy to yell at [him]306-jesse . [My]2813-john forehead hits the passenger window , and [I]2813-john stare blankly at the bright lights of [London]3-london by night , flashing past the window . * * * ‘ Oh dear ! ’[90-clive] [I]2813-john hear [Clive]90-clive ’s disapproving tone as [I]2813-john come round , bobbing up and down in time to [Jesse]306-jesse ’s strides . ‘ Should [I]2813-john get [the elevator]604-the elevator for [you]2813-john , [Mr Ward]306-jesse ? ’[2813-john] ‘ No , [I]306-jesse ’ve got it . ’[306-jesse] [Jesse]306-jesse voice vibrates through [me]2813-john . ‘ Fucking dress is ridiculous . ’[306-jesse] [he]306-jesse mumbles as [he]306-jesse calls for the lift and steps in when it opens immediately . [I]2813-john come to in [his]306-jesse arms , and then writhe to free [myself]2813-john . [I]2813-john seem to have dropped a stage of drunkenness and gone from drunk and defiant to simply difficult . ‘ [I]2813-john can walk . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john snap . [He]306-jesse scoffs and lowers [me]2813-john to [my]2813-john feet , but only because there ’s nowhere for [me]2813-john to escape and there are [no cars that [I]2813-john can walk in front of]871-no cars that i can walk in front of . The elevator door opens , and [I]2813-john ’m the first to exit whilst fishing around in [my]2813-john clutch for [my]2813-john keys . [I]2813-john find them remarkably quickly , considering [my]2813-john disorientated hands , but getting the right one in the lock is another matter , entirely . [I]2813-john close one eye to try and focus as [I]2813-john slowly guide the key towards the lock . [I]2813-john hear [him]306-jesse grumbling under [his]306-jesse breath behind [me]2813-john , but [I]2813-john ignore [him]306-jesse and carry on trying to insert the key . [He]306-jesse must get fed up of waiting because there is suddenly a hand wrapped around [my]2813-john wrist , holding it steady and guiding it to the lock successfully . The door opens , [I]2813-john kick [my]2813-john shoes off and trample through the colossal open space , taking the stairs carefully . When [I]2813-john reach the top , [I]2813-john do n’t veer left to [the master suite]609-the master suite , instead taking a right and letting [myself]2813-john into [[my]2813-john favourite spare room]3167-my favourite spare room . [I]2813-john collapse in the bed fully dressed and without taking [my]2813-john make - up off , a clear indication of thorough exhaustion and drunkenness . [I]2813-john do n’t let it concern [me]2813-john for long , though . [My]2813-john eyes close of [their]3168-their own accord , and [I]2813-john feel [myself]2813-john slipping into a drunken slumber . ‘[2813-john] Let ’s get rid of that . ’ [I]2813-john feel [my]2813-john dress being peeled from [my]2813-john body . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] half asleep , [I]2813-john know [I]2813-john ’m still slightly drunk and [my]2813-john eyes are semi stuck together with mascara . ‘[2813-john] Are [you]2813-john going to cut it to pieces ? ’ [I]2813-john mumble irritably . ‘[2813-john] No , ’ [he]2813-john says calmly , [his]2813-john strong , familiar arms wrapping around [me]2813-john and lifting [me]2813-john from the bed . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john might not be talking to [you]2813-john , [lady]2813-john , ’ [he]2813-john whispers , ‘[2813-john] but [I]2813-john want to be not talking to [you]2813-john in [our]873-our bed . ’ [My]536-ava arms automatically reach up and around [him]2813-john to hold on , and [my]536-ava face buries in [his]2813-john neck . [I]536-ava might be a little drunk and massively pissed off , but [I]536-ava recognise [my]536-ava favourite place . [He]2813-john lowers [me]536-ava to bed and a few moments later , [he]2813-john ’s laying the full length of [my]536-ava back and pulling [me]536-ava into [his]2813-john chest . ‘[536-ava] [Ava]536-ava ? ’ [he]2813-john whispers in [my]536-ava ear . ‘[536-ava] What ? ’ ‘[536-ava] [You]536-ava make [me]2813-john crazy , [lady]536-ava . ’ ‘[536-ava] Crazy in love ? ’ [I]536-ava mumble sleepily . [I]536-ava feel [him]2813-john squeeze [me]536-ava closer . ‘[536-ava] That too . ’ * * * ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john love [you]536-ava . ’ What is that ? [I]2813-john splutter and rip [my]2813-john mascara clogged eyes open . ‘[2813-john] Drink . ’ [he]2813-john commands softly . [I]2813-john groan and roll over into [my]2813-john pillow . ‘[2813-john] Leave [me]2813-john alone . ’ [I]2813-john whine , hearing [him]2813-john chuckle . [My]2813-john head is banging . [I]2813-john ’ve not even lifted it off the pillow and it already feels like [Black Sabbath]120-black sabbath are having [their]120-black sabbath practice session in [my]2813-john skull . ‘[2813-john] Hey , come here . ’ [He]2813-john curls [his]2813-john forearm around [my]2813-john waist , and then drags [me]2813-john across the bed , onto [his]2813-john lap . [I]2813-john feel [his]2813-john palm smooth [my]2813-john hair and pull it from [my]2813-john face , and [I]2813-john peek through [my]2813-john eyes to see a glass of fizzing water being held to [my]2813-john lips . ‘[2813-john] Drink . ’ [he]874-he presses . [I]2813-john let [him]874-he tip the glass to [my]2813-john mouth , and [I]2813-john sip the welcome cool , fizzing liquid . ‘[2813-john] All of it . ’ [I]2813-john finish the whole glass and then collapse against [his]874-he bare chest . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] truly rubbish at hangovers . ‘ How bad is it ? ’[874-he] [he]874-he asks . [I]2813-john know [he]874-he ’s grinning . ‘ Bad . ’[874-he] [I]2813-john croak . [My]2813-john eyes are heavy , and [I]2813-john ’m far too comfortable to open [my]2813-john mind to the events that have united [me]2813-john and this stonking hangover — united [me]2813-john with [this maddening man]3169-this maddening man . [I]2813-john feel [him]3169-this maddening man shift on the bed and then lean back , taking [me]2813-john with [him]3169-this maddening man . Well , at least [he]3169-this maddening man ’s talking to [me]2813-john enough to look after [me]2813-john in [my]2813-john pitiful state . What sort of person punishes the alcoholic love of [her]3170-her life by going out and getting drunk ? And when [she]3170-her ’s pregnant , not that [he]3169-this maddening man ’s aware . What sort of person torments [[her]3170-her crazily possessive husband]3171-her crazily possessive husband by shoving [her]3170-her tongue down [another man]308-another man ’s throat in front of [him]308-another man ? The same sort of person who hides the love of [his]308-another man life ’s pills to try and get [her]3170-her pregnant on the sly , that ’s who . [We]3173-we ’re[2813-john] made for each other . ‘ [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] sorry - ish . ’ [I]2813-john say quietly . [He]3169-this maddening man kisses [my]2813-john hair . ‘[2813-john] [Me]2813-john too . ’ [He]3169-this maddening man ’s brave . [I]2813-john must look and smell shocking . Hangover aroma ca n’t be the most pleasant wake up call , especially for [a recovering alcoholic]3174-a recovering alcoholic . [I]2813-john lay in a sorry heap across [him]3169-this maddening man , drifting in and out of sleep and in and out of thought . ‘[2813-john] What are [you]875-you thinking ? ’ [he]2813-john asks quietly , almost apprehensively . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m thinking [we]3173-we ca n’t go on like this . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john answer honestly . ‘ It ’s not good for [you]875-you . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john leave out the fact that it ’s not good for [me]2813-john either . [He]2813-john sighs . ‘ [I]2813-john do n’t care about [me]2813-john . ’[2813-john] ‘ What are [we]3173-we going to do ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john press . [He]2813-john ’s silent for a few moments , and then [he]2813-john shifts [me]2813-john onto [my]2813-john back and nudges [my]2813-john thighs apart to cradle [himself]2813-john between [them]876-them . [He]2813-john takes a deep breath and drops [his]2813-john forehead to [my]2813-john chest . ‘ [I]2813-john do n’t know , but [I]2813-john do know how much [I]2813-john love [you]2813-john . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john sag and look up at the ceiling . [I]2813-john know that as well but the saying love conquers all is being tested to its limit here . [He]2813-john plays the love card every time , like it ’s an acceptable excuse for [his]2813-john neurotic ways . ‘ Why did [you]2813-john do it ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ask . [I]2813-john do n’t have to elaborate further . [He]2813-john knows what [I]2813-john ’m referring to . [He]2813-john looks up at [me]2813-john , [his]2813-john frown line crawling across [his]2813-john forehead . ‘[2813-john] Because [I]2813-john love [you]2813-john . ’ [he]2813-john says defensively . ‘[2813-john] Everything is because [I]2813-john love [you]2813-john . ’ ‘[2813-john] [You]2813-john treat [me]2813-john like trash , fuck [me]2813-john in the toilet of a bar , with no words , and then walk out to go and feel up [another woman]864-another woman ? Did [you]2813-john do that because [you]2813-john love [me]2813-john ? ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john was trying to prove a point . ’ [he]2813-john argues quietly . ‘[2813-john] And watch [your]2813-john mouth . ’ ‘[306-jesse] No , [Jesse]306-jesse . [You]2813-john were trying to be a wanker . ’ [I]2813-john shift slightly under [him]2813-john , and [he]2813-john looks up at [me]2813-john anxiously . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john need a shower . ’ [He]2813-john searches [my]2813-john eyes but eventually rolls off to let [me]2813-john up . [I]2813-john drag [myself]2813-john from the bed and into [the bathroom]2800-the bathroom , closing the door behind [me]2813-john before brushing [my]2813-john teeth and getting in the shower . [I]2813-john feel completely deflated and just want to crawl back into bed and forget about everything , but [my]2813-john racing mind is venturing into frightening territory , making [my]2813-john head ache further . [I]2813-john ’ve not seen [him]2813-john for four days . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] trying [my]2813-john hardest not to venture there , but [I]2813-john really ca n’t help it , especially in light of [his]2813-john last disappearing act . [I]2813-john jump when [I]2813-john feel [his]2813-john hand slide around [my]2813-john stomach and [his]2813-john lips rest on [my]2813-john shoulder . ‘ Let [me]2813-john . ’[2813-john] [he]2813-john whispers , taking the sponge and turning [me]2813-john around . [He]2813-john kneels in front of [me]2813-john and takes [my]2813-john foot , resting it on [his]2813-john thigh , before starting to sweep the soapy sponge up [my]2813-john leg . [His]2813-john frown line is nowhere to be seen . [He]2813-john looks content , peaceful and relaxed , just how [I]2813-john like [him]2813-john to be , and it ’s because [he]2813-john ’s looking after [me]2813-john again . ‘ Where have [you]3176-you been since Monday ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ask as [I]2813-john watch [him]2813-john closely . [He]2813-john does n’t tense or flick [me]2813-john cautious eyes , [he]2813-john just continues slowly washing [me]2813-john as the water beats down around [us]878-us . ‘ In hell . ’[2813-john] [he]2813-john answers softly . ‘ [You]3176-you left [me]2813-john , [Ava]536-ava . ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john does n’t look at [me]2813-john , and [he]2813-john ’s not using an accusing tone , but [I]2813-john know [he]2813-john ’s pointing out that [I]2813-john broke [my]2813-john promise . ‘ Where were [you]3176-you ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john push , dropping [my]2813-john foot back to the shower floor and lifting [my]2813-john other when [he]2813-john taps [my]2813-john ankle . ‘ [I]2813-john was trying to give [you]3176-you space . [I]2813-john realise how [I]2813-john am with [you]3176-you , [Ava]536-ava , and [I]2813-john wish [I]2813-john could stop [myself]2813-john , [I]2813-john really do . But [I]2813-john ca n’t . ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john still has n’t answered [me]2813-john . [I]2813-john know all of that . ‘ Where were [you]3176-you , [Jesse]306-jesse ? ’[2813-john] ‘ Following [you]3176-you . ’[2813-john] [he]2813-john whispers . ‘ Everywhere . ’[2813-john] ‘ For four whole days ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john blurt . [He]2813-john looks up at [me]2813-john and stops with the sponge sweeps . ‘ [My]2813-john only comfort was seeing how lost [you]3176-you were , too . ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john reaches up and takes [my]2813-john hand , pulling [me]2813-john down to [him]2813-john so [I]2813-john ’m kneeling , too , mirroring [him]2813-john . [He]2813-john pushes [my]879-my wet hair from [my]879-my face and leans in to softly kiss [my]879-my lips . ‘[879-my] [We]879-my ’re not conventional , [baby]306-jesse . But [we]879-my ’re[879-my] special . What [we]879-my have is really special . [You]880-you belong to [me]2813-john , and [I]2813-john belong to [you]880-you . It just is . It ’s not natural for [us]879-my to be apart , [Ava]536-ava . ’ ‘[536-ava] [We]879-my drive each other crazy . It ’s not healthy . ’ ‘[879-my] Not healthy would be [my]2813-john life without [you]880-you in it . ’ [He]536-ava encourages [me]879-my up onto [his]536-ava lap and links [my]879-my arms around [his]536-ava neck before circling [my]879-my waist with [his]536-ava big hands . ‘[879-my] This is where [you]880-you ’re supposed to be . ’[536-ava] [He]536-ava squeezes [my]2813-john waist to re - enforce [his]536-ava point . ‘ Right here , always with [me]536-ava . Do n’t ever kiss [another man]308-another man again , [Ava]536-ava . [They]3179-they ’ll be locking [me]536-ava away for a long time . ’[536-ava] [I]2813-john realise [my]2813-john stupidity . [I]2813-john reach up and caress [his]536-ava jaw . There ’s no bruising or marks . ‘ [You]3180-you need to stop with the crazy shit . ’[2813-john] [My]2813-john anger has completely disintegrated , and [I]2813-john know why . It ’s because of how much [I]2813-john know [he]536-ava loves [me]2813-john , but does that excuse [his]536-ava behaviour ? [He]536-ava seems to snap straight out of self - destruction mode as soon as [he]536-ava has hold of [me]2813-john and [I]2813-john ’m doing as [I]536-ava ’m[536-ava] told . [I]2813-john ca n’t pretend that [he]536-ava does n’t frustrate [me]2813-john , stress [me]2813-john out or make [me]2813-john wonder sometimes what the hell [I]2813-john ’m setting [myself]2813-john up for , but this side of [him]536-ava , the incredible loving affection , the doting side of [him]536-ava , almost supersedes all of [his]536-ava confusing , neurotic ways , which swiftly reminds [me]2813-john that [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] still pregnant . And [Jesse]306-jesse thinks [I]2813-john ’m not . [He]306-jesse clenches [my]306-jesse cheeks and pushes [his]306-jesse lips to [mine]306-jesse . ‘[306-jesse] And [you]881-you need to stop with the defiant shit . ’ [He]306-jesse ’s grinning around [my]306-jesse lips . ‘[306-jesse] Never . ’ [I]306-jesse soak [him]306-jesse right up , there in the soaking shower . Chapter 11 [We]3181-we spend most of Saturday making [friends]390-friends . [I]306-jesse ’ve relished in the sleepy sex , and [I]306-jesse ’ve disagreed with almost everything [Jesse]306-jesse has said , just to get some sense fucked into [me]306-jesse . [I]306-jesse then swiftly forgot what [I]306-jesse ’d agreed to during the sense fucking , instigating a reminder fuck . [We]3181-we had an alfresco fuck right after [we]3181-we ate on [the terrace]2781-the terrace , followed by a retribution fuck when [Jesse]306-jesse decided that breaking [my]306-jesse promise warranted one . But [I]306-jesse know [he]306-jesse just wanted [me]306-jesse in handcuffs and , quite frankly , [I]306-jesse deserved it . [I]306-jesse ’ve been fucked in every way , shape and form , and [I]306-jesse ’ve loved every single second of it , even if [I]306-jesse am a little sore now . [I]306-jesse ’m[306-jesse] back to relaxing sweetly on [Central Jesse Cloud Nine]306-jesse . With the absence of a pregnancy , [he]306-jesse ’s back to taking [me]2813-john how and when [he]306-jesse wants and any which way , too . Yesterday has more than made up for [my]2813-john lack of dominant [Jesse]306-jesse in recent weeks . [I]2813-john could n’t be happier . But there is really no lack of a pregnancy . [Kate]2774-kate checked in , and [I]2813-john ’m sure [I]2774-kate heard [[my]2774-kate brother]71-my brother in the background , but [she]2774-kate denied it , proceeding to ask [me]2774-kate if [Jesse]306-jesse and [I]2774-kate had made [friends]390-friends . Yes . [She]2774-kate also asked if [I]2774-kate ’d told [Jesse]306-jesse that [I]2774-kate ’m[2774-kate] still pregnant . No . After a full day of being indulged in [him]306-jesse and having things completely back to normal , just how [they]882-they should be , [I]2813-john ’m sure this is the right decision . ‘[2813-john] Are [you]883-you going to lie there all day , or are [you]883-you getting dressed so [we]884-we can shoot to [The Manor]226-the manor ? ’ [He]306-jesse stands in the bathroom doorway gloriously naked , rubbing a towel over [his]306-jesse dark blonde locks . [I]306-jesse push [myself]306-jesse up and crawl to the bottom of the bed , and then flop back down on [my]306-jesse front , propping [myself]306-jesse up on [my]306-jesse elbows and resting [my]306-jesse chin in [my]306-jesse palm . [I]306-jesse know what [I]306-jesse ’m[306-jesse] doing , and so does [he]306-jesse by the look in [his]306-jesse twinkling greens . Not that [I]2813-john do n’t want to go to [The Manor]226-the manor . With the absence of a certain whip wielding witch , [[Jesse]306-jesse ’s country estate]886-jesse ’s country estate is a far more pleasant place to be . ‘ [I]2813-john might . ’[2813-john] [My]2813-john voice is inviting and low , just how [I]2813-john intended it to be . ‘ [You]306-jesse ’re[2813-john] hard . ’ [I]2813-john nod at [his]306-jesse groin and flick [my]2813-john eyes back up to [him]306-jesse , struggling to hold back [my]2813-john grin . [I]2813-john bite [my]2813-john lip and watch [him]306-jesse closely . ‘[2813-john] That would be because [I]2813-john ’m looking at [you]306-jesse . ’[306-jesse] [He]306-jesse drapes the towel over [his]306-jesse shoulders and leans on the door frame . [I]2813-john start drooling at the mass of pure , tempting gorgeousness and smile . ‘ [You]306-jesse ’re[2813-john] hard everywhere . ’ ‘[2813-john] Except here . ’ [he]306-jesse says , all deep and coarse , tapping [his]306-jesse chest . ‘[2813-john] Here , [I]2813-john ’m as soft as shit . But only for [you]306-jesse . ’[2813-john] [My]2813-john smile widens . ‘ [You]306-jesse can be hard - hearted sometimes . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john muse , rolling over onto [my]2813-john back , [my]2813-john head hanging off the end of the bed . ‘ [You]306-jesse ’re[72-mrs ward] a temptress , [Mrs Ward]72-mrs ward . ’ [I]72-mrs ward watch [his]306-jesse upside down body approach slowly until [he]306-jesse ’s standing looking down at [me]72-mrs ward , [his]306-jesse steel shaft brushing [my]72-mrs ward top lip . ‘[72-mrs ward] [You]887-you want it ? ’ [he]306-jesse asks , clasping the base and guiding [himself]306-jesse from side to side across [my]72-mrs ward lips . The hot dampness has [my]72-mrs ward tongue darting out to taste , but [he]306-jesse pulls back , [his]306-jesse lips tipping at the corners . ‘[72-mrs ward] Say please . ’ ‘[72-mrs ward] Please . ’ [I]536-ava reach up and run [my]536-ava fingertips down the centre of [his]306-jesse chest , and [he]306-jesse moans , guiding [his]306-jesse cock straight to [my]536-ava lips . [I]536-ava open slowly while watching as [his]306-jesse face contorts with anticipation , then [I]536-ava close [my]536-ava lips around [him]306-jesse . ‘[536-ava] [Ava]536-ava , that damn fucking mouth of [yours]536-ava . ’ [he]306-jesse groans , clenching [his]306-jesse eyes shut . ‘[536-ava] Should [I]2813-john stop ? ’ [I]2813-john bite down lightly and drag [my]2813-john teeth across [his]306-jesse smooth flesh . ‘[2813-john] Do [you]536-ava want [me]2813-john to stop ? ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john want [you]536-ava to shut the fuck up and concentrate on what [you]536-ava ’re doing . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john smile and release [him]536-ava before flipping [myself]2813-john over and sitting on the end on the bed between [his]536-ava thighs . [I]2813-john grab [his]536-ava cock and squeeze … hard . ‘ Stop teasing [me]2813-john , [lady]2813-john . ’[2813-john] [His]536-ava hands find [my]2813-john hair , [his]536-ava fists clenching , and [he]536-ava pushes [me]2813-john down to [him]536-ava . [I]2813-john do n’t put up any resistance . [I]2813-john love taking [him]536-ava like this . [My]2813-john head drifts down and [my]2813-john fingernails grip onto [his]536-ava firm arse , pulling [him]536-ava forward . ‘ Oh fuck ! ’[536-ava] [he]536-ava barks , holding [my]2813-john head in place . ‘ Just stay there . ’[536-ava] [He]536-ava ’s brushing the back of [my]2813-john throat , and [I]2813-john ’m struggling to stop [my]2813-john stomach from convulsing . [I]2813-john keep quiet whilst [he]536-ava spasms against [me]2813-john , [his]536-ava head dropped back and [his]536-ava fists tightening in [my]2813-john hair . [I]2813-john need to keep control here . [I]2813-john can not be throwing up , [I]2813-john ’ll never explain it , so instead of concentrating on [my]2813-john mouthful of solid cock , [I]2813-john focus solely on keeping [myself]2813-john from retching . [I]2813-john close [my]2813-john eyes and inhale through [my]2813-john nose . What is wrong with [me]2813-john ? If pregnancy brings aversions and [mine]2813-john is a sudden intolerance of [Jesse]306-jesse ’s manhood in [my]2813-john mouth , then [I]2813-john never want to be pregnant again . [I]2813-john relax a little when [he]536-ava withdraws and quickly drop [him]536-ava from [my]2813-john mouth before crawling up [his]536-ava body and wrapping [my]2813-john legs around [him]536-ava . [I]2813-john need to play this perfectly , especially judging by the incredulous look on [his]536-ava handsome face . [He]536-ava does n’t like [me]2813-john halting things . That ’s [his]536-ava call . [I]2813-john lean in and bite [his]536-ava lip . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john want [you]888-you inside [me]2813-john . ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john was quite happy where [I]2813-john was . ’ [he]536-ava splutters in disbelief . It makes [me]2813-john laugh . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m glad [you]888-you find it funny , [Ava]536-ava . ’[2813-john] ‘ [I]2813-john do n’t , [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] sorry . ’ Pushing [my]2813-john lips to [his]536-ava , [I]2813-john wave the need card . It ’s [my]2813-john only option . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john need [you]888-you inside [me]2813-john now . ’ [He]536-ava pulls back and narrows [his]536-ava eyes . It worries [me]888-you . But then [he]536-ava knocks [me]888-you out with [his]536-ava smile , reserved only for [me]888-you . ‘[888-you] [You]888-you ’ll never have to ask [me]2813-john twice , [baby]306-jesse . ’ [He]536-ava lowers [me]306-jesse to the bed and comes down with [me]306-jesse . ‘[306-jesse] Get rid of the towel . ’ [I]306-jesse yank the bath sheet from around [his]536-ava neck and fling it across [the room]254-the room . ‘[306-jesse] Put [your]888-you hands in [my]2813-john hair . ’ [he]536-ava orders . [I]306-jesse comply immediately , lacing [my]306-jesse fingers though [his]536-ava mass of wet , dirty blonde . ‘[306-jesse] Pull it . ’ [He]536-ava leans down and licks [my]536-ava lips as [I]536-ava tug at [his]536-ava hair on a moan . ‘[536-ava] Kiss [me]2813-john hard , [Ava]536-ava . ’ [His]536-ava stern tone just spikes [my]536-ava need further . [I]536-ava tackle [his]536-ava mouth with desperation and conviction . ‘[536-ava] Stop . ’ [he]536-ava orders , and [I]536-ava do , even though [I]536-ava really do n’t want to . ‘[536-ava] Kiss [me]2813-john softly . ’ [he]536-ava whispers , and [I]536-ava sigh , gently sweeping [my]536-ava tongue through [his]536-ava mouth , so very lazily . It ’s heaven . ‘[536-ava] Enough . ’ [he]536-ava says harshly , and again [I]536-ava stop . [He]536-ava pulls back and drops a loving kiss on [my]536-ava lips . ‘[536-ava] Why ca n’t [you]536-ava do everything [I]2813-john ask that quickly ? ’ [I]536-ava grin and pull [him]536-ava in closer , re - claiming [his]536-ava mouth . ‘[536-ava] Because [your]536-ava power hungry persona is rubbing off on [[your]536-ava wife]306-jesse . ’ [He]536-ava laughs and rolls over so [I]536-ava ’m[536-ava] astride [his]536-ava hips . ‘ Take the power , [baby]306-jesse . ’[536-ava] ‘ Okay . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john agree quickly , lifting [myself]2813-john from [his]536-ava groin . [He]536-ava reaches down , and [I]2813-john slap [his]536-ava hand away . ‘ Excuse [me]536-ava . ’[536-ava] ‘ Oh , sorry . ’[536-ava] [He]536-ava grins sheepishly . ‘ Do n’t fuck about , though , will [you]306-jesse ? ’[536-ava] ‘ [You]306-jesse ’re[306-jesse] forgetting , [God]306-jesse , ’ [I]306-jesse grab [his]536-ava erection and guide [him]536-ava to [me]306-jesse . ‘[306-jesse] [You]306-jesse ’ve just relinquished the power . ’ [I]2813-john lower gently , [his]536-ava grin soon disappearing , being replaced with thorough appreciation . [He]536-ava moans and grabs the tops of [my]2813-john legs . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john might give [you]306-jesse the power more often . ’ [I]306-jesse lift and slowly sink back down , running [my]306-jesse hands all over [his]2813-john chest . ‘[306-jesse] [You]306-jesse like ? ’ ‘[2813-john] Oh , [I]2813-john love . ’ [He]2813-john looks up at [me]306-jesse and starts smoothing [his]2813-john hands over the tops of [my]306-jesse thighs . ‘[306-jesse] [You]306-jesse ’re so handsome . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john lift and lower gently again on a sigh . ‘ [I]2813-john know . ’[2813-john] [he]2813-john says simply . ‘ [You]306-jesse ’re[2813-john] arrogant . ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john know . Up [you]306-jesse go . ’ [I]306-jesse raise [my]306-jesse eyebrows . ‘[306-jesse] Who has the power ? ’ ‘[306-jesse] [You]306-jesse do , but [you]306-jesse wo n’t for long if [you]306-jesse abuse it . Up . ’ [He]2813-john ’s restraining a smile , and [I]306-jesse scowl , but lift [myself]306-jesse anyway . ‘[306-jesse] [Good girl]306-jesse . ’ [he]2813-john pants . ‘[306-jesse] Faster . ’ Sinking back down , [I]306-jesse grind gently . ‘[306-jesse] But [I]2813-john like it like this . ’ ‘[536-ava] Faster , [Ava]536-ava . ’ ‘[536-ava] No . [I]2813-john have the power . ’ [I]2813-john work [my]2813-john way back up , but do n’t get the chance to tease [my]2813-john way down . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] flipped onto [my]2813-john back and pinned down . ‘ [You]306-jesse lost [your]306-jesse chance , [lady]306-jesse . ’[536-ava] [He]536-ava drives straight in with purpose . ‘ [I]536-ava ’m[536-ava] taking the power back . ’ Bang ! [I]536-ava yell , [my]536-ava legs falling open . Bang ! ‘[536-ava] Fuck ! ’ [I]536-ava scream as [he]536-ava hits [my]536-ava womb . ‘[536-ava] Mouth ! ’ Bang ! ‘[306-jesse] [Jesse]306-jesse ! ’ ‘[306-jesse] [You]306-jesse pushed [your]306-jesse luck , [baby]306-jesse . ’ [he]536-ava grunts , flexing [his]536-ava grip of [my]306-jesse wrists and hitting [me]306-jesse over and over and over . [My]306-jesse eyes close . ‘[306-jesse] Eyes ! ’ [I]306-jesse rip them open on a shocked yelp . ‘[306-jesse] Better . ’ Sweat is pouring down [his]536-ava face , dripping onto [my]306-jesse cheeks . [I]306-jesse need to hold onto [him]536-ava , scratch [him]536-ava and bite [him]536-ava , but [I]306-jesse ’m[306-jesse] completely powerless , just as [he]306-jesse likes [me]2813-john . ‘ Let [me]2813-john hold [you]2813-john . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john cry , pulling at [his]306-jesse grip as [he]306-jesse thunders on . ‘ Who has the power ? ’[2813-john] ‘ [You]2813-john do , [you]2813-john fucking control freak ! ’[306-jesse] ‘ Watch , ’[121-bang] Bang ! ‘ [your]2813-john , ’[121-bang] [Bang]121-bang ! ‘ mouth ! ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john scream . ‘ Fuck ! [he]306-jesse yells . ‘[2813-john] Come for [me]2813-john , [Ava]536-ava ! ’ [I]536-ava ca n’t . [I]536-ava ’m[536-ava] trying to focus on the climax that ’s lingering somewhere deep , but every time [I]2813-john think [I]2813-john ’ve captured it , [he]306-jesse hits [me]2813-john again with those punishing hips and knocks it back . [My]2813-john eyes close and [I]2813-john can do nothing more than accept the assault [my]2813-john body is under . ‘ Jesus , [Ava]536-ava . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] going to come ! ’ And with that [he]306-jesse shouts , grinds and collapses on top of [me]2813-john , releasing [my]2813-john hands from [his]306-jesse fierce grip . [His]306-jesse breathing is chaotic , [his]306-jesse body twitching and [his]306-jesse skin wet . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] all of those things , too , minus one satisfying climax . ‘ [You]2813-john did n’t come . ’[306-jesse] [he]306-jesse pants into [my]2813-john neck . [I]2813-john ca n’t talk , so [I]2813-john hum and shake [my]2813-john head , [my]2813-john arms flopped limply at the side of [my]2813-john head . ‘ [Baby]88-baby , [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] sorry . ’ [I]2813-john hum again and attempt to lift [my]2813-john arms to cuddle [him]306-jesse so [he]306-jesse knows that [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] fine , but [my]2813-john muscles are on shut down . [Our]891-i sweaty chests are compressing together and [our]891-i erratic breathing is the loud . [We]891-i ’re both completely shattered . [I]891-i want to stay in bed , but then [I]891-i feel the absence of [his]892-his weight , and [I]891-i ’m[891-i] being lifted into [his]892-his arms . [I]2813-john mumble an audible protest as [I]2813-john ’m carried to [the bathroom]2800-the bathroom . [He]892-his turns the spray on , grabs a towel from the shelf and chucks it on the floor of the shower before laying [me]2813-john down on it . [I]2813-john just about muster up the strength to frown up at [him]892-his as [he]892-his lowers [himself]892-his to the floor and spreads [my]2813-john legs . ‘[2813-john] Let ’s bring [you]893-you back to life . ’ [He]892-his flicks the shower to cool and settles between [my]2813-john thighs before really waking [me]2813-john up with a stretched out , agonisingly soft stroke of [his]892-his tongue , right up the centre of [my]2813-john core . [My]2813-john back arches , [my]2813-john lifeless arms spring to life and [my]2813-john voice comes back . ‘[2813-john] Ohhhhh Godddd ! ’ [I]2813-john grab [his]892-his wet hair and push [him]892-his further into [me]2813-john , the previously deep , misplaced orgasm now gushing forward . [I]2813-john do n’t even try to control it . [I]2813-john start panting , [my]2813-john stomach muscles tensing , [my]2813-john head lifting , as the cool , fresh water rains all over [me]2813-john . [He]892-his ’s everywhere , licking , biting , sucking , trailing kisses down the inside of [my]2813-john thighs and slowly back up again to plunge [his]892-his tongue in deep . ‘[2813-john] Awake yet ? ’ [he]892-his mumbles around [my]2813-john flesh , then bites lightly on [my]2813-john clit . ‘[2813-john] More ! ’ [I]2813-john demand , yanking at [his]892-his hair . [I]2813-john hear [him]892-his laugh a little before [he]892-his follows through on [my]2813-john order and seals [his]892-his mouth completely around [me]2813-john and sucks [me]2813-john gently to climax . [I]2813-john burst . [I]2813-john see stars . [I]2813-john moan and throw [my]2813-john hands over [my]2813-john head . Way too good . Just way way too bloody good . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] pulsing against [him]894-he and completely limp . The cool spray is divine , the consistent purring of the shower relaxing . [I]2813-john ’m not getting up from this floor — not for [anyone]2929-anyone or anything . [He]894-he can put [me]2813-john straight back in bed . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john love love love feeling [you]306-jesse throb . ’ [He]894-he kisses [his]894-he way up [my]2813-john body until [he]894-he finds [me]2813-john lips , giving [me]2813-john more special attention . [I]2813-john only respond with [my]2813-john mouth , unable to convince [my]2813-john muscles to move , and not bothering to make much effort of it either . ‘[2813-john] Am [I]2813-john redeemed ? ’ [I]2813-john nod against [his]894-he kiss and [he]894-he laughs , pulling back to study [me]2813-john . [My]2813-john eyes are still working fine . [He]894-he ’s just beyond fucking beautiful , and [he]894-he knows it , the big headed arse . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john love [you]306-jesse . ’ [I]2813-john just about manage to squeeze the words past [my]2813-john fitful breaths . [He]894-he dazzles [me]2813-john with that smile … [my]2813-john smile . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john know [you]306-jesse do , [baby]306-jesse . ’ [He]894-he gets up , far too spritely for [my]2813-john liking . ‘[2813-john] Come on . Now [I]2813-john ’ve fulfilled [my]2813-john Godly obligation , [we]896-we need to go to [The Manor]226-the manor . ’ [He]894-he takes [my]896-we hand and heaves [me]896-we up with absolutely no effort at all . And [I]896-we do n’t help . [I]896-we make [myself]896-we a deadweight in protest , not that it hampers [him]894-he . ‘[896-we] Do [I]2813-john have to come ? ’ [I]2813-john grumble , as [he]894-he squirts some shampoo in [my]2813-john hair and starts lathering [me]2813-john up . ‘[2813-john] [You]306-jesse never usually complain about coming . ’ [He]306-jesse grins at [me]306-jesse , and [I]306-jesse roll [my]306-jesse eyes . ‘[306-jesse] Yes , [you]306-jesse do . [We]896-we have some time [we]896-we need to catch up on . Four days ’ worth . ’[306-jesse] [I]2813-john ignore [him]306-jesse and let [his]306-jesse big , firm hands massage [my]2813-john head and then rinse [me]2813-john . ‘ [You]306-jesse ’re[2813-john] done , [lady]2813-john . Out . ’ [He]306-jesse slaps [my]2813-john arse and sends [me]2813-john on [my]2813-john way , while [he]306-jesse finishes [his]306-jesse shower . [I]2813-john look longingly at the bed , but as much as it ’s calling [me]2813-john , [I]2813-john resist and venture into [the colossal walk - in - wardrobe]3189-the colossal walk - in - wardrobe to get ready . [We]3190-we do have time to catch up on , and [we]3190-we have lots of hard to catch up on , too . [We]3190-we ’ve broke the back of it , and this is all the more reason for [me]2813-john to remedy the situation that will undoubtedly take [me]2813-john back to being treated like [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] breakable if [I]2813-john remain pregnant . [I]2813-john walk into [the kitchen]3044-the kitchen and find [Jesse]306-jesse rummaging frantically through the cupboards . With [his]306-jesse arms raised , [his]306-jesse broad back is accentuated by the pull of [his]306-jesse white polo t - shirt , the vast expanse of firmness making [my]2813-john hands twitch at [my]2813-john sides and [my]2813-john eyes blink to confirm that [he]306-jesse ’s real . [I]2813-john smile . [He]306-jesse ’s real all right , and [he]306-jesse ’s also [mine]2813-john . ‘ What are [you]3191-you doing ? ’[306-jesse] [I]2813-john ask , pulling [my]2813-john hair up into a messy mass of wildness on top of [my]2813-john head . [He]306-jesse turns around and looks at [me]2813-john in alarm . ‘ [I]306-jesse ’ve run out of Sun - [Pat]374-patrick . ’[306-jesse] ‘ What ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john laugh at [his]306-jesse genuine distress . ‘ [You]3191-you ’ve run out of peanut butter ? ’[2813-john] ‘ It ’s not fucking funny ! ’[306-jesse] [He]306-jesse slams the cupboard door shut before stalking over to the fridge , yanking it open , and shifting endless bottles of water . ‘ What the fuck is [Cathy]1284-cathy playing at ? ’[306-jesse] [he]306-jesse barks to [himself]306-jesse . [I]2813-john ca n’t help it . [I]2813-john double over with laughter . This is not the normal behaviour for someone who merely likes something . [He]306-jesse ’s addicted to it . [[My]2813-john Lord]2765-my lord is addicted to peanut butter and , quite possibly , is going to have a seizure if [he]306-jesse does n’t get [his]306-jesse fix soon . [I]2813-john ’m happily tittering away when [I]2813-john hear the fridge door slam . [I]2813-john bolt upright and do a rubbish job of restraining [my]2813-john grin . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] clamping down painfully on [my]2813-john lip to prevent it . ‘ What are [you]2813-john grinning at ? ’[306-jesse] [He]306-jesse scowls at [me]2813-john , good and proper . ‘ Why the compulsion for peanut butter ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ask quickly before re - clamping down on [my]2813-john lip . [He]306-jesse folds [his]306-jesse arms across [his]306-jesse chest , still scowling . ‘ [I]306-jesse like it . ’[306-jesse] ‘ [You]306-jesse like it ? ’[306-jesse] ‘ Yes , [I]306-jesse like it . ’[306-jesse] ‘ [You]306-jesse ’re[306-jesse] in a bit of a pickle , considering [you]901-you just like it . ’ [My]2813-john lip drags through [my]2813-john teeth as [I]2813-john completely lose the battle to keep back [my]2813-john smirk . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m not in a pickle . ’[306-jesse] [he]306-jesse argues on a small laugh . ‘ It ’s no big deal . ’[306-jesse] ‘ Okay , ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john shrug , still grinning . It is such a big deal . [He]306-jesse walks across [the kitchen]3044-the kitchen and around [the island]903-the island towards [me]2813-john , [his]306-jesse eyes widening as [my]2813-john lower body comes into view . ‘ What the hell are [they]904-they ? ’[306-jesse] [he]306-jesse blurts . [I]2813-john look down at [myself]2813-john and back up to shocked green eyes . ‘ Shorts . ’[2813-john] ‘ [You]2813-john mean knickers ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m grinning again . ‘[2813-john] No , [I]2813-john mean shorts . ’ [I]2813-john grab the hem on each leg of [my]2813-john denim shorts and pull them up . ‘[2813-john] If [they]904-they were knickers , [they]904-they ’d look like this . ’ [He]306-jesse gasps a little , still studying the offending garment . ‘[536-ava] [Ava]536-ava , come on , be reasonable . ’ ‘[306-jesse] [Jesse]306-jesse , ’ [I]306-jesse sigh . ‘[306-jesse] [I]2813-john ’ve told [you]306-jesse . If [you]306-jesse want long skirts and roll neck jumpers , then go find [someone]443-someone [your]306-jesse own age . ’ [I]2813-john pull [my]2813-john shorts back down and kneel to tie the laces of [my]2813-john Converse , ignoring the grumbling and bristling emanating from every delicious fibre of [[my]2813-john unreasonable man]3192-my unreasonable man . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john might go for a swim at [The Manor]226-the manor . ’ [I]2813-john look up at [him]3192-my unreasonable man , and [his]3192-my unreasonable man grumpy face is back to horror . ‘[2813-john] In a bikini ? ’ [I]2813-john laugh . ‘[2813-john] No , in a snowsuit . Of course in a bikini . ’ [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] really pushing [my]2813-john luck here , and [I]2813-john know it . ‘ [You]306-jesse ’re[2813-john] doing this on purpose , are n’t [you]306-jesse ? ’ ‘[306-jesse] [I]2813-john ’d like to go for a swim . ’ ‘[306-jesse] [I]2813-john ’d like to strangle [you]306-jesse . ’ [he]3192-my unreasonable man snaps . ‘[306-jesse] Why do [you]306-jesse do this to [me]2813-john ? ’ ‘[306-jesse] Because [you]306-jesse ’re an unreasonable arse and [you]306-jesse need to loosen up . [You]306-jesse may be [an old man]3193-an old man , but [I]306-jesse ’m[306-jesse] only twenty six . Stop acting like [a caveman]3003-a caveman . What ’ll happen if [we]908-we go on a beach holiday ? ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john thought [we]908-we could go skiing . ’ [He]3192-my unreasonable man ’s [the one]3192-my unreasonable man smirking now . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’ll show [you]306-jesse how good [I]2813-john am at very extreme sports . ’ [I]306-jesse grin at [his]3192-my unreasonable man repeated words from [our]908-we very first meeting , and then jump up to [his]3192-my unreasonable man body , [my]306-jesse nose diving straight into [his]3192-my unreasonable man neck . ‘[306-jesse] [You]306-jesse smell luscious . ’ [I]306-jesse inhale in [his]3192-my unreasonable man yummy scent as [he]3192-my unreasonable man carries [me]306-jesse out to [the car]709-the car , still wearing the short shorts . * * * [We]908-we pull up at [The Manor]226-the manor , and [I]306-jesse ’m[306-jesse] quickly collected from [my]2813-john side of [the car]709-the car before being pulled up the steps and into [the entrance hall]425-the entrance hall . [I]2813-john hear the distant hum of chatting from the bar and smile when [I]2813-john see [John]2813-john approaching , looking ever the frightening mountain of [a man]448-a man . ‘ [Ava]536-ava would like to go swimming . ’[306-jesse] [Jesse]306-jesse grumbles as [John]2813-john joins [us]912-us and starts walking alongside , matching [Jesse]306-jesse ’s strides and [my]2813-john quick steps that are keeping up with [him]306-jesse . [The big guy]306-jesse looks down at [me]2813-john , [his]306-jesse eyebrows peeking above [his]306-jesse wraparounds . ‘ [You]306-jesse do , [girl]306-jesse ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john nod . ‘ It ’s hot out there , ’[2813-john] The small smile flashing across [John]2813-john ’s face is an indication that [he]2813-john knows damn well what [I]2813-john ’m doing . Yes , [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] trying to bash all unreasonableness out of [[my]2813-john husband]518-my best friend , and this is the perfect place to start — at the sex haven of [[my]2813-john Lord]518-my best friend , where the revealing of flesh is an everyday occurrence . [I]2813-john ’m not planning on ever stripping down and prancing around for [everyone]2825-everyone to see , but a swim in a decent bikini is a good place to start . If [he]306-jesse can overcome it here , then [he]306-jesse can overcome it anywhere . [We]3196-we pass [the bar]2773-the bar , and [I]2813-john spot [Sam]2844-sam . [I]2813-john ca n’t see [his]2844-sam face , but [his]2844-sam body slumped on a stool is a clear indication of how [he]2844-sam ’s feeling . [[My]2813-john best friend]518-my best friend is [an idiot]518-my best friend . [She]518-my best friend ’s running away from something good , just to reignite something that ’s terribly bad . [Sam]2844-sam might have dragged [her]518-my best friend over to the dark side , but [he]2844-sam does n’t deserve to be crapped all over like this . As soon as [we]3196-we enter [[Jesse]306-jesse ’s office]455-jesse ’s office , [he]306-jesse drops [my]2813-john hand and goes straight to [the integrated fridge]3199-the integrated fridge . [He]306-jesse pulls out a jar of peanut butter , immediately unscrews the lid and plunges [his]306-jesse finger in . [John]2813-john does n’t bat an eyelid , instead taking a seat on the other side of [Jesse]306-jesse ’s desk , while [I]2813-john look on with a smile on [my]2813-john face . [He]306-jesse walks casually over to [his]306-jesse chair and takes [his]306-jesse seat , slipping [his]306-jesse finger into [his]306-jesse mouth and sighing . [He]306-jesse likes it ? ‘[2813-john] What ’s happening ? ’ [he]306-jesse asks [John]2813-john around [his]306-jesse finger . ‘[2813-john] Camera three is out of action . [The surveillance company]914-the surveillance company is scheduled to come sort it out . ’ [John]2813-john shifts in [his]2813-john seat and pulls [his]2813-john phone from [his]2813-john pocket . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’ll chase [them]915-them up . ’ [He]2813-john dials and puts [his]2813-john phone to [his]2813-john ear before standing and walking over to the window . ‘[88-baby] [Baby]88-baby , [you]88-baby okay ? ’ [I]88-baby flick [my]88-baby eyes from [John]2813-john ’s back to [Jesse]306-jesse , finding a concerned look on [his]2813-john face . ‘[88-baby] Yes , fine . ’ [I]88-baby realise now that [I]88-baby ’m[88-baby] still standing at [his]2813-john office door , so [I]2813-john start towards [his]2813-john desk and sit [myself]2813-john down in the chair next to [John]2813-john ’s . ‘ Daydreaming . Sorry . ’[2813-john] [His]2813-john finger slips into [his]2813-john mouth again . ‘ What about ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john smile . ‘ Nothing . Just watching [you]2813-john settle now [you]2813-john have [your]2813-john peanut butter . ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john looks down at the jar and rolls [his]2813-john eyes . ‘ Want some ? ’[2813-john] ‘ No . ’[2813-john] [My]2813-john nose wrinkles in distaste , and [he]2813-john laughs , [his]2813-john eyes twinkling , [his]2813-john soft lines springing from [his]2813-john greens as [he]2813-john screws the lid on and slides the jar onto [his]2813-john desk . [He]2813-john ’s had [his]2813-john fix . ‘ How ’s [Sam]2844-sam ? ’[2813-john] ‘ Shit . [He]2813-john wo n’t talk about it . How ’s [Kate]2774-kate ? ’[2813-john] ‘ Not good . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m not lying , [she]916-she really is n’t . ‘[916-she] What do [you]2813-john know ? Why did [she]916-she end it ? ’ [I]916-she shrug as casually as possible . ‘[916-she] Because of [this place]917-this place , probably . ’ [I]916-she ’m[916-she] resisting the urge to sit on [my]2813-john hands . [I]2813-john dare not even mention [[my]2813-john brother]71-my brother . ‘ It ’s probably for the best . ’[71-my brother] [He]71-my brother nods thoughtfully . ‘ Do [you]2813-john want to swim or stay with [me]71-my brother ? ’[71-my brother] [I]2813-john know what answer [he]71-my brother wants . ‘ What are [you]2813-john going to do ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ask , eyeing up the piles of paperwork on [his]71-my brother desk . [I]2813-john ’ve never seen it so messy , and [I]2813-john know why . No [Sarah]60-sarah . But [I]2813-john ’m not feeling in the slightest bit guilty about it , even if it means [Jesse]306-jesse ’s desk looks like a bomb ’s gone off on it . [He]306-jesse looks at the paperwork , too , and sighs . ‘[2813-john] This is what [I]2813-john ’ll be doing . ’ [He]306-jesse flicks through one of the piles . ‘[2813-john] Why do n’t [you]919-you employ [someone else]443-someone ? ’ ‘[536-ava] [Ava]536-ava , it ’s not that straight forward in this line of work . [You]921-you have to know [someone]443-someone , trust [them]443-someone . [I]2813-john ca n’t just call [the job centre]922-the job centre and ask [them]443-someone to send along [someone who can type]923-someone who can type . ’ Okay , now [I]306-jesse am feeling a little guilty . [He]923-someone who can type ’s right . [We]3200-we ’re[306-jesse] talking about [people of high society]2905-these people , [people with high powered jobs]925-people with high powered jobs . [Jesse]306-jesse has told [me]2813-john that [they]2905-these people delve into the history of [these people]2905-these people to determine [their]2905-these people financial status and medical history , including any criminal convictions . [I]2813-john suppose there is a confidentiality issue . ‘ [I]2813-john could help . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john offer reluctantly , even though [I]2813-john would n’t have the first idea where to start , but [his]306-jesse overwhelmed expression as [he]306-jesse scans the masses of paper on [his]306-jesse desk is really nudging the guilt . [His]306-jesse eyes fly up . ‘ [You]306-jesse would ? ’[306-jesse] [I]2813-john shrug and grab the first piece of paper [I]2813-john can lay [my]2813-john hands on . ‘ An hour here and there , [I]2813-john suppose . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john scan the text in [my]2813-john hands and recoil . It ’s a bank statement . At least [I]2813-john think it is . [The figures on here]926-the figures on here look more like international telephone numbers , so it could be a telephone bill . [I]2813-john glance up at [him]306-jesse . [He]306-jesse ’s grinning . ‘ [We]3201-we ’re[72-mrs ward] very rich , [Mrs Ward]72-mrs ward . ’ ‘[72-mrs ward] Fucking hell ! ’ ‘[536-ava] [Ava]536-ava … ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m sorry , but … ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john try to focus on all of the digits but lose [my]2813-john place . ‘ This sort of stuff should n’t be lying on [your]2813-john desk , [Jesse]306-jesse . ’[2813-john] It has [his]306-jesse account numbers on and everything . ‘ Wait … did [Sarah]60-sarah look after [your]2813-john finances ? ’[2813-john] ‘ Yes , ’[306-jesse] [he]306-jesse says quietly . [I]2813-john bristle . [I]2813-john do n’t trust [the woman]60-sarah . ‘ Do [you]60-sarah have any idea where [your]60-sarah money is ? How much there is ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john place the paper back on [his]306-jesse desk . ‘ Yes , look , ’[306-jesse] [He]306-jesse takes the piece and points at it . ‘ [I]306-jesse have this much and it ’s in [this bank]3202-this bank . ’[306-jesse] ‘ [You]60-sarah have just one account ? What about business accounts , savings , pensions ? ’[306-jesse] [He]306-jesse looks a little alarmed , and almost irritated . ‘ [I]306-jesse do n’t know . ’[306-jesse] [I]2813-john gape at [him]306-jesse . ‘ [She]60-sarah did everything ? All of [your]60-sarah accounts ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john do n’t like that thought at all . ‘ Not anymore . ’[306-jesse] [he]306-jesse grumbles , throwing the paper back down . ‘ But [you]60-sarah ’ll help ? ’[306-jesse] [He]306-jesse ’s smiling again . How can [I]2813-john not ? [This man]306-jesse is stinking rich and has no idea where and how any of [his]306-jesse money is stored . ‘ Yes , [I]2813-john ’ll help . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john grab a pile and start sifting through , but then [I]2813-john have a very worrying moment of realisation . [My]2813-john head snaps up , finding a contented face staring straight at [me]2813-john . ‘ [I]306-jesse said [I]306-jesse ’d help , that ’s all . A few hours here and there , [Jesse]306-jesse . ’[306-jesse] [He]306-jesse visibly sags at [my]2813-john words . ‘ But it ’s the perfect solution . ’[306-jesse] ‘ For [you]306-jesse ! The perfect solution for [you]306-jesse ! [I]306-jesse have a career . [I]306-jesse am not giving it up to come [here]2799-here every day and file paperwork ! ’[306-jesse] The cheeky swine . [He]306-jesse wants [me]2813-john to replace [Sarah]60-sarah as [[his]306-jesse office girl]60-sarah . Not a chance . ‘ And anyway , ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john dump the pile back on the desk and stand . ‘ [I]2813-john do n’t know how to lash a whip , so [I]2813-john think [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] a little under qualified . ’ [I]2813-john do n’t know why [I]2813-john said that . It was unnecessary and really quite spiteful . [He]306-jesse ’s shocked . [He]306-jesse ’s sitting far back in [his]306-jesse chair with a mixture of disbelief and anger on [his]306-jesse face . ‘[2813-john] That was a little childish , do n’t [you]928-you think ? ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m sorry , ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john scoop [my]2813-john bag up . ‘ [I]2813-john did n’t mean it . ’[2813-john] [John]2813-john joins [us]929-us again and breaks the uncomfortable silence that has fallen between [us]929-us . ‘ [They]929-us ’ll be an hour , ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john slips [his]2813-john phone back in [his]2813-john pocket . ‘ Before [I]2813-john forget , [we]929-us ’ve had a further three memberships cancelled . ’[2813-john] [Jesse]306-jesse ’s eyebrows rise in curiosity . ‘ Three ? ’[306-jesse] ‘ Three , ’[2813-john] [John]2813-john confirms as [he]2813-john walks towards the door . ‘ [All female]3204-all female , ’[2813-john] [he]2813-john adds , leaving [the office]3076-the office . [I]2813-john watch as [Jesse]306-jesse ’s elbows hit [his]306-jesse desk and [his]306-jesse face falls straight into [his]306-jesse palms . [I]2813-john feel rotten . Dropping [my]2813-john bag , [I]2813-john make [my]2813-john way around [his]306-jesse desk and push [him]306-jesse back in [his]306-jesse chair before sitting on [his]306-jesse desk in front of [him]306-jesse . [He]306-jesse watches [me]2813-john as [he]306-jesse chews that lip . ‘ [I]306-jesse ’ll sort allof this out , ’[306-jesse] [I]2813-john signal to the paperwork everywhere . ‘ But [you]306-jesse need to get [someone]443-someone on this . It ’s a fulltime job . ’[2813-john] ‘ [I]306-jesse know , ’[306-jesse] [He]306-jesse clasps [my]2813-john ankles and pulls them up so [my]2813-john feet are sitting on [his]306-jesse knees . ‘ Go for a swim . [I]306-jesse ’ll make a start on this , okay ? ’[306-jesse] ‘ Okay , ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john study [him]306-jesse closely and [he]306-jesse studies [me]2813-john studying [him]306-jesse . ‘ Go on , [beautiful girl]561-beautiful girl . [Spit]122-spit it out . ’[306-jesse] [He]306-jesse ’s smiling a little . ‘ [They]931-they ’re[306-jesse] withdrawing [their]931-they memberships because [you]932-you ’re no longer available to fu … ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john bite [my]2813-john tongue . ‘ To have sex with . ’[2813-john] That makes [me]2813-john immensely happy and it ’s obvious . ‘ It would seem so , would n’t it ? ’[306-jesse] [He]306-jesse narrows [his]306-jesse eyes on [me]2813-john . ‘ [I]2813-john can see this pleases [[my]2813-john wife]2849-my wife . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john shrug , but [I]2813-john ca n’t hide [my]2813-john pleasure at this news . ‘ What ’s the ratio of [men]262-men to [women]253-women ? ’[2813-john] ‘ [Members]237-members ? ’[306-jesse] [he]306-jesse asks . ‘ Yes , ’[306-jesse] ‘ Seventy thirty , ’[2813-john] [My]2813-john mouth drops open . [I]2813-john remember [Jesse]306-jesse saying there were [roughly fifteen hundred members]237-members . That ’s [a thousand women who are potentially after [[my]2813-john Lord]2765-my lord]934-a thousand women who are potentially after my lord . ‘ Well , ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john brush off [my]2813-john shock . ‘ [You]2765-my lord might have to turn [The Manor]3078-the area into a gay club . ’[306-jesse] [He]306-jesse laughs and dangles [my]2813-john feet back off the desk . ‘ Go take a swim . ’[306-jesse] * * * [The changing rooms]936-the changing rooms are empty . [I]2813-john wriggle into [my]2813-john bikini , remove [my]2813-john diamond , re - tie [my]2813-john hair high on [my]2813-john head and stuff [my]2813-john things in one of the wooden walnut lockers . In all of the time [I]2813-john ’ve been with [Jesse]306-jesse , [I]2813-john ’ve never used the spa and [sports facilities]937-sports facilities , but [I]2813-john ’m reliably informed that there ’s no skinny dipping allowed , so [I]2813-john ’ll brave it and put [Jesse]306-jesse to the test at the same time . [I]2813-john wander through [the area]3078-the area , looking for any sign of life , but it ’s completely deserted . It ’s lunchtime on a Sunday . [I]2813-john would have thought it would be a peak time for [members]237-members to utilise this part of [The Manor]3078-the area . Stepping into [the huge glass building]3212-the huge glass building , [I]2813-john scan [the area]3078-the area , finding all of [the Jacuzzis]3213-the jacuzzis , the huge pool , and the sun loungers are empty . It ’s eerily quiet , the only sound a distant hum of water pumps . Laying [my]2813-john towel on a plush wooden sun lounger , [I]2813-john gingerly take the first step into the water and sigh . It ’s tepid . [Lovely]123-lovely . [I]2813-john wade down the rest of the steps and push [myself]2813-john into the water and start a breast stroke to the other end of [the pool]3078-the area . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] relishing in the calmness and quiet as [I]2813-john swim length after length , [no one]548-no one joining [me]2813-john , [no one]548-no one venturing in to use [the Jacuzzis]18-the jacuzzis , and [no one coming to relax on a sun lounger]940-no one coming to relax on a sun lounger . But then [I]2813-john hear movement , and [I]2813-john stop mid - length to see who appears from the entrance that leads to changing areas . [My]2813-john eyes flick from [the male]2943-the male to the female entrances , and then [Jesse]306-jesse emerges , wearing a loose pair of black swimming shorts . [I]2813-john sigh in appreciation , and [he]306-jesse blasts [me]2813-john with [his]306-jesse smile , before diving straight in , [his]306-jesse body stretching out , making minimal noise or splashing as [he]306-jesse slips below the surface . [I]2813-john float in the middle of [the pool]3210-the pool and watch the shadow of [his]306-jesse tall body approaching [me]2813-john under the water until [he]306-jesse ’s right in front of [me]2813-john , but [he]306-jesse remains submerged beneath [me]2813-john . Then [I]2813-john feel [his]306-jesse palm wrap around [my]2813-john ankle , and [I]2813-john squeal as [I]2813-john ’m yanked under the water , just catching a lungful of air before [I]2813-john disappear , [my]2813-john eyes naturally clenching shut . [His]306-jesse lips meet [mine]2813-john , [his]306-jesse arms surrounding [me]2813-john , and [he]306-jesse rolls [us]3214-our around under the water , [our]3214-our skin slipping all over each other , [our]3214-our tongues dancing wildly . This is nice , but [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] rubbish at holding [my]2813-john breath , and [he]306-jesse must be gasping for air , having been down here a lot longer than [me]2813-john . [I]2813-john pinch [him]306-jesse to indicate [my]2813-john depleting breath , and [my]2813-john lungs scream a thank [you]306-jesse when [we]943-we surface , [my]2813-john legs clenching around [his]306-jesse waist and [my]2813-john arms around [his]306-jesse shoulders . [I]2813-john try to grab a hold of [my]2813-john bearings and attempt to open [my]2813-john eyes , and when [I]2813-john do , [I]2813-john ’m greeted by a dirty great big grin . [I]944-you know [he]306-jesse ca n’t touch the bottom [himself]306-jesse , so [he]306-jesse must [me]944-you treading water frantically with [my]944-you dead weight clinging to [him]306-jesse . [You]944-you would never know it , though . That ’s even if [he]306-jesse is . [He]306-jesse looks like [he]306-jesse ’s just floating effortlessly in front of [me]944-you . [I]944-you push [his]306-jesse wet hair from [his]306-jesse face and match [his]306-jesse grin . ‘[944-you] [You]944-you closed the pool , did n’t [you]944-you ? ’ ‘[944-you] [I]2813-john do n’t know what [you]944-you ’re talking about . ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john shifts [me]2813-john around to [his]2813-john back and starts swimming to the side . ‘ It ’s never busy at this time of day . ’[2813-john] ‘ [I]2813-john do n’t believe [you]944-you . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john rest [my]2813-john chin on [his]2813-john shoulder . ‘ [You]944-you could n’t stand the thought of [me]2813-john in a bikini and [others]472-others seeing it . Admit [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] right . ’ [I]2813-john ’ve got [[my]2813-john Lord]2765-my lord worked out . [He]2765-my lord reaches the edge of [the pool]3210-the pool and pulls [me]2813-john from [his]2765-my lord back , pushing [me]2813-john up against the side . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john love the thought of [you]2813-john in a bikini . ’ ‘[2813-john] But for [your]2813-john eyes only ? ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’ve told [you]2813-john before , [Ava]536-ava . [I]2813-john do n’t share [you]2813-john with [anyone]2929-anyone or anything , not even [their]946-their eyes , ’ [He]2765-my lord slides [his]2765-my lord hands down [my]2813-john sides and onto [my]2813-john thighs . ‘[2813-john] Just for [my]2813-john touch , ’ [he]2765-my lord whispers . It makes [me]2813-john immediately clench [my]2813-john thighs as [he]2765-my lord leans in and kisses [me]2813-john gently before scanning [my]2813-john face . ‘[2813-john] Just for [my]2813-john eyes . ’ [His]2765-my lord finger slips into the side of [my]2813-john bikini bottoms , and [I]2813-john hold [my]2813-john breath as [he]2765-my lord strokes [me]2813-john softly . ‘[2813-john] Just for [my]2813-john pleasure , [baby]306-jesse . [I]2813-john know [you]306-jesse understand [me]2813-john , do n’t [you]306-jesse ? ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john do , ’ [I]2813-john shift in front of [him]2765-my lord and drape [my]2813-john arms over [his]2765-my lord shoulders . ‘[2813-john] Good . Kiss [me]2813-john . ’ [I]2813-john dive right in and show [my]2813-john appreciation with a long , hot , passionate kiss that draws a low moan from each of [us]3218-both of us . [His]2765-my lord hands shift to [my]2813-john waist , [his]2765-my lord big hands circling [me]2813-john completely as [he]2765-my lord holds [me]2813-john tight , and [we]3218-both of us kiss for the longest time — there in the middle of the pool , just [me]2813-john and [him]2765-my lord , drowning in each other , consuming each other , loving each other . Everything that happens between [us]3218-both of us is a result of the potent , sometimes poisonous , love [we]3218-both of us share . It pushes [us]3218-both of us to behave erratically and unreasonably — [both of [us]3218-both of us]3218-both of us . In reality , [we]3218-both of us are probably level pegging in [the crazy department]3219-the crazy department , or maybe [I]2813-john have overtaken [him]948-he . [I]2813-john certainly feel crazy . What [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] planning definitely qualifies [me]2813-john as crazy . And if [he]948-he finds out what [[his]948-he crazy wife]949-his crazy wife is planning , then [I]2813-john ’ve no doubt [I]2813-john will see [him]948-he tip over the edge of craziness . Chapter 12 ‘ [I]948-he love [you]948-he . ’[948-he] The low whisper makes [me]2813-john smile as [I]2813-john roll over and blindly grab at [him]948-he . ‘ Hmmm . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john hum , pulling [his]948-he body down to [mine]2813-john . ‘ [Ava]536-ava , it ’s seven thirty . ’[2813-john] ‘ [I]2813-john know . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john mumble into [his]948-he neck . ‘ Sleepy sex . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john demand , [my]2813-john hand drifting down [his]948-he thigh until [I]2813-john find what [I]2813-john ’m looking for . [I]88-baby grasp [him]948-he loosely . ‘[88-baby] [Baby]88-baby , [I]2813-john ’d love to , but when [you]950-you wake up properly , [you]950-you ’re going to fly into panic and leave [me]948-he halfway finished . ’[948-he] [He]948-he grabs [my]2813-john hand and pulls it up to [his]948-he face , kissing [my]2813-john fingers sweetly . ‘ It ’s Monday morning . It ’s seven thirty . [I]2813-john do n’t want the blame for making [you]950-you late . ’[2813-john] [My]2813-john eyes open , seeing [his]948-he wet face suspended over [mine]2813-john . [He]948-he ’s had a shower , which means [he]948-he has been for a run , which means it ’s late . [I]2813-john bolt upright , and [he]948-he quickly moves to avoid being head - butted . ‘ What time is it ? ’[948-he] [He]948-he smiles fondly . ‘ It ’s seven thirty . ’[948-he] ‘ [Jesse]306-jesse ! ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john jump up and run into [the bathroom]2800-the bathroom . ‘ Why did n’t [you]950-you wake [me]2813-john when [you]950-you went for a run ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john flick the shower on and turn to the sink , loading [my]2813-john toothbrush with toothpaste . ‘ [I]948-he did n’t want to disturb [you]950-you . ’[948-he] [He]948-he leans on the doorframe and watches [me]2813-john frantically scrubbing [my]2813-john teeth . [He]948-he ’s grinning , no doubt at [my]2813-john little fluster . ‘ Never … bother … fore . ’[948-he] [I]2813-john spit around [my]2813-john mouthful of paste . [His]948-he grin widens . ‘ Pardon ? ’[948-he] [I]2813-john shake [my]2813-john head on an eye roll and return to the mirror , finishing up and rinsing out . ‘ [I]2813-john said it never bothered [you]950-you before . Why did n’t [you]950-you drag [me]2813-john out of bed and punish [me]2813-john with fourteen miles ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m suspicious , and [you]952-you can tell . [He]948-he shrugs and joins [me]2813-john by the mirror , grabbing [his]948-he own toothbrush . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john will if [you]952-you want [me]2813-john to . ’ ‘[2813-john] No , just wondering . ’ [I]2813-john wo n’t push it . [I]2813-john step in the shower and make a quick job of washing [my]2813-john hair and shaving before stepping out and practically running into the walk - in - wardrobe . [I]2813-john stand and stare at the rails and rails of clothes , mostly all with tags still attached . It feels like hard work trying to choose , there ’s way too much , so [I]2813-john yank down [my]2813-john red shift dress . That ’ll do . By the time [I]2813-john ’ve rough dried [my]2813-john hair , haphazardly slapped on [my]2813-john make - up , and landed [downstairs]316-downstairs , [Jesse]306-jesse is suited up in navy with a crisp white shirt and collecting [his]306-jesse car keys . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’ll take [you]952-you , ’ ‘[2813-john] Where ’s [Cathy]1284-cathy ? ’ [I]1284-cathy eye [him]306-jesse up . All of [him]306-jesse . That ’s [[my]1284-cathy husband]306-jesse . Do [I]1284-cathy really need to go work ? [He]306-jesse frowns a little . ‘[1284-cathy] [I]2813-john do n’t know . It ’s not like [her]1284-cathy to be late . ’ Grabbing [my]952-you hand , [he]306-jesse starts leading [me]952-you from [the penthouse]3011-the penthouse . ‘[952-you] [You]952-you got everything ? ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john have , ’ [We]3222-we make [our]3222-we way down to [the foyer of [Lusso]95-lusso]598-the foyer of lusso and as [we]3222-we approach the concierge desk , [I]2813-john see [Cathy]1284-cathy leaning up , chatting with [Clive]90-clive . [I]2813-john grin and look up to [Jesse]306-jesse , but [he]306-jesse ignores [me]2813-john , even though [he]306-jesse knows damn well [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] looking at [him]952-you and probably what [I]2813-john ’m thinking , too . ‘[2813-john] That would explain . ’ [I]953-they say on a little laugh . ‘[953-they] [They]953-they ’re just talking . ’[306-jesse] [Jesse]306-jesse grumbles , leading on . ‘ [They]953-they look very friendly . ’[306-jesse] [I]2813-john watch [Cathy]1284-cathy fidget and giggle as [Clive]90-clive entertains [her]1284-cathy with words and hand gestures . [He]952-you looks just as enthralled as [[Jesse]306-jesse ’s housekeeper]515-jesse ’s housekeeper . [She]1284-cathy spots [us]955-us . ‘ Oh ! [I]1284-cathy was just on [my]1284-cathy way up ! ’[1284-cathy] ‘ No problem , ’[306-jesse] [Jesse]306-jesse does n’t sound impressed , and [he]306-jesse does n’t stop . [I]2813-john , however , would love to hang around and see the developments . [My]2813-john grin widens as [I]2813-john pass , and [Cathy]1284-cathy and [Clive]90-clive both blush profusely . ‘ [I]1284-cathy ’m[1284-cathy] out of peanut butter . ’ [Jesse]306-jesse calls back crossly . ‘[1284-cathy] There ’s a whole box of it in the cupboard , [[my]2813-john boy]956-my boy . Do [you]956-my boy think [I]2813-john ’d let that run dry ? ’ [Cathy]1284-cathy sounds irritated by [Jesse]306-jesse ’s critical comment . It makes [me]2813-john laugh , especially when [Jesse]306-jesse starts grumbling under [his]306-jesse breath . ‘[2813-john] Do n’t be so moody . [They]957-they ’re only talking . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john rebuke [him]306-jesse as [we]958-we emerge into the sunshine and [Jesse]306-jesse slips [his]306-jesse wayfarer ’s on . ‘ It ’s not right , ’[306-jesse] [He]306-jesse shudders and releases [my]2813-john hand . [I]2813-john start rummaging through [my]2813-john bag for [my]2813-john own shades . ‘ Ooh , [she]3224-she might be inviting [him]306-jesse up when [we]958-we ’re[2813-john] not there . [I]2813-john did notice the sheets it [the spare room]959-the spare room were a little … ruffled . ’ ‘[536-ava] [Ava]536-ava ! ’ [he]306-jesse yells as [he]306-jesse points a screwed up face of displeasure to the heavens . ‘[536-ava] Do n’t ! ’ [I]536-ava laugh . ‘[536-ava] Stop being ageist . ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m not , ’[306-jesse] [His]306-jesse disgusted face disappears immediately . [He]306-jesse ’s grinning now . ‘ What are [you]2813-john smirking at ? ’[306-jesse] [I]2813-john ask . [He]306-jesse removes [his]306-jesse shades and closes the distance between [us]960-us , stooping down so [our]960-us noses touch . ‘ [I]306-jesse bought [you]2813-john a present . ’[306-jesse] ‘ [You]2813-john have ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john rest [my]2813-john lips on [his]306-jesse . ‘ What ? ’[2813-john] ‘ Turn around . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john pull back and watch [his]306-jesse delighted eyes as [he]306-jesse nods over [my]2813-john shoulder . [I]2813-john slowly pivot and stand for a few moments , scanning [the car park]711-the car park for whatever [I]2813-john should be looking for , but nothing is jumping out at [me]2813-john . [His]306-jesse arm appears over [my]2813-john shoulder and a set of car keys are dangling in front of [my]2813-john face , and it ’s then [I]2813-john spot [a dirty great big , bright white , sparkly wheeled Range Rover Sport]962-a dirty great big , bright white , sparkly wheeled range rover sport . Or tank — whichever . Oh no ! [I]2813-john ca n’t even think of any words . How did [I]2813-john miss it ? It ’s blinding [me]2813-john now . [I]2813-john squint as the keys are jangled in front of [me]2813-john , like [he]306-jesse does n’t realise that [I]2813-john ’ve clocked [my]2813-john present and [he]306-jesse ’s trying to hint further . No need . [I]2813-john can see it . And [I]2813-john hate it ! ‘ Over there , ’[306-jesse] [he]306-jesse prompts , jangling the keys again . ‘ [You]963-you mean [that spaceship]3225-that spaceship ? ’[306-jesse] [I]2813-john ask dryly . [I]2813-john ’m not driving that thing , no matter how many countdowns or sense fucks [I]963-you get as a consequence . ‘[963-you] [You]963-you do n’t like it ? ’ [He]306-jesse sounds hurt . Oh shit , what do [I]2813-john say ? ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john like [my]2813-john Mini . ’ ‘[2813-john] It ’s not safe . ’ Now [he]306-jesse sounds affronted , as [I]2813-john knew [he]306-jesse would . [He]306-jesse makes [his]306-jesse way around [me]2813-john and looks down at [my]2813-john shocked face . ‘[2813-john] This is safer . ’ [I]306-jesse ca n’t help the incredulous look [my]306-jesse face is naturally morphing into . ‘[306-jesse] [Jesse]306-jesse , that ’s [[a man]448-a man ’s car]965-a man ’s car — [a John car]966-a john car . It ’s fucking huge ! ’ ‘[536-ava] [Ava]536-ava ! Watch [your]536-ava fucking mouth ! ’ [He]306-jesse scowls at [me]2813-john . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john got it in white . That ’s [a lady]2794-a lady ’s colour . Come on , [I]2813-john ’ll show [you]536-ava . ’ [He]306-jesse takes [my]2813-john reluctant shoulders and leads [me]2813-john over to the giant snowball . The closer [I]2813-john get , the more [I]2813-john hate it . It ’s far too showy . [I]2813-john love [my]2813-john Mini . ‘[2813-john] Look , ’ [He]306-jesse opens the door … and [I]2813-john gasp . It gets worse . White … everywhere . White leather steering wheel ; white leather gearstick ; white leather seats . Even the carpets are white . [I]2813-john look up at [him]306-jesse , [[my]2813-john deluded husband]3226-my deluded husband , and shake [my]2813-john head , but [I]2813-john ca n’t be ungrateful . [He]306-jesse looks so pleased with [himself]306-jesse . [I]2813-john thought [this man]306-jesse had taste . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john do n’t know what to say . ’ [I]2813-john really do n’t . ‘[2813-john] [You]968-you could ’ve just bought [me]2813-john a watch or a necklace or something . ’ [I]968-you wish [he]306-jesse ’d have bought [me]968-you a watch or necklace or something . ‘[968-you] Jump in . ’ [He]306-jesse ushers [me]2813-john towards the thing . [I]2813-john gasp . Oh no ! Stitched in the headrest of the front seat is [Mrs Ward]72-mrs ward . Now that ’s going too far . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john am not driving this ! ’ [I]2813-john blurt , before [my]2813-john brain filters the insulting declaration . ‘[2813-john] [You]968-you fucking are ! ’ Well , that just got rid of any guilt [I]2813-john had , and now [my]2813-john heels are firmly digging in . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john am not ! [Jesse]306-jesse , it ’s way too big for [me]2813-john ! ’ ‘[306-jesse] It ’s safe . ’ [He]306-jesse picks [me]306-jesse up and places [me]306-jesse on [the driver]3227-the driver ’s seat . [I]306-jesse feel small . ‘[306-jesse] Look , ’ Reaching in , [he]306-jesse presses a button and a compartment pops open , revealing a computer screen . ‘[306-jesse] Everything [you]968-you ’ll need . [I]2813-john ’ve loaded all of [your]968-you favourite music . ’ [He]306-jesse grins , pressing a button and Massive Attack seeps through all of the millions of speakers . ‘[2813-john] [You]968-you can think of [me]2813-john . ’ ‘[968-you] [I]2813-john think of [you]968-you every time [you]968-you call and [I]2813-john hear that track . ’ [I]2813-john jump out . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john want [[your]968-you car]709-the car . [You]968-you can have this . ’ [I]2813-john signal to the gleaming heap of metal . ‘[2813-john] [Me]2813-john ? ’ A worried looks passes over [his]2813-john face . ‘[2813-john] But it ’s a bit … ’ [He]2813-john runs [his]2813-john eyes over [my]2813-john present . ‘[2813-john] … girly . ’ ‘[2813-john] It is , and [I]2813-john know [your]968-you game , [Ward]72-mrs ward . ’ [I]72-mrs ward look inside and [my]72-mrs ward mind conjures up images of baby seats and [child booster seats]3228-child booster seats . And a pram in the boot . Oh no ! [I]72-mrs ward point [my]72-mrs ward finger at [his]2813-john chest . ‘[72-mrs ward] The only reason [you]968-you want [me]2813-john to drive this thing is because it ’s enormous and there ’s less chance of injury if [I]2813-john crash . Prettying it up is n’t going to convince [me]2813-john . ’ [I]2813-john turn and storm off towards [my]2813-john lovely little mini , in which there is no chance of squeezing a pram in the boot . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] stunned when [I]2813-john make it into [[my]2813-john car]653-my car without any [Jesse]306-jesse style intervention . [I]2813-john look in the rear view mirror as [I]2813-john settle in [my]2813-john seat and see [him]306-jesse leaning against [[his]306-jesse own car]653-my car with [his]306-jesse arms folded over [his]306-jesse chest . [I]2813-john ignore the heavy glower on [his]306-jesse stunning face and start [[my]2813-john Mini]971-my mini , quickly reversing out of [the space]972-the space and heading for [the gates]973-the gates . ‘ [Impossible man]3229-impossible man , ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john mutter to [myself]2813-john , reaching up to smash the button on the little black device that will open the gates . It ’s not there . ‘ What ! ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john yell disbelievingly to absolutely [no one]548-no one . ‘ Fucking hell ! ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john slam [my]2813-john brakes on and jump out , finding the glower has morphed into a dazzling smile . ‘ Planning on going somewhere ? ’[2813-john] ‘ Oh fuck off ! ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john yell across [the car park]711-the car park , grabbing [my]2813-john bag from the front seat and leaving [[my]2813-john car]653-my car exactly where it is , [driver]3227-the driver ’s door open . [I]2813-john stomp [my]2813-john angry heels towards the pedestrian gate , but [I]2813-john ’m not lucky enough to avoid a Jesse style intervention this time . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] swiftly grabbed and hoofed back to [my]2813-john shiny new wedding present . ‘ Will [you]2813-john watch [your]2813-john fucking mouth ! ’[3227-the driver] [He]3227-the driver places [me]2813-john in [the driver]3227-the driver ’s seat and puts the seatbelt on [me]2813-john before whipping the keys to [my]2813-john Mini from [my]2813-john hand . ‘ Why do [you]2813-john have to defy [me]3227-the driver on absolutely everything ? ’[3227-the driver] [He]3227-the driver starts transferring all of [my]2813-john keys onto [my]2813-john new car key . ‘ Because [you]2813-john ’re[3227-the driver] an unreasonable arse ! ’ [I]3227-the driver shift irritably in [my]3227-the driver seat . ‘[3227-the driver] Why ca n’t [you]306-jesse take [me]2813-john to work ? ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m already late for a meeting because [[my]3227-the driver wife]2849-my wife wo n’t do as [she]2849-my wife ’s told . ’[3227-the driver] [He]3227-the driver grabs the back of [my]2813-john neck and yanks [me]2813-john towards [his]3227-the driver lips . ‘ [Anyone]2929-anyone would think [you]306-jesse ’re[3227-the driver] after a retribution fuck . ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m not ! ’[3227-the driver] [He]3227-the driver grins and hits [me]2813-john with a full on , hot , melt worthy kiss . A long one — one of those kisses that bashes all of the obstinacy right out of [me]2813-john . ‘ Hmmm , [you]306-jesse taste delicious , [baby]306-jesse . What time are [you]306-jesse finishing work ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m released and , as ever , breathless . ‘[2813-john] Six . ’ ‘[2813-john] Come straight to [The Manor]226-the manor and bring [your]979-your files so [we]980-we can finalise the orders for [the new rooms]689-the new rooms . ’ [He]3227-the driver pushes another button , lowering [the driver]374-patrick ’s window , before shutting the door and leaning in . [He]3227-the driver looks so smug . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john love [you]2813-john . ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john know . ’ [I]2813-john mutter , turning the key in the ignition . ‘[2813-john] Have [you]2813-john spoken to [Patrick]374-patrick yet ? ’ [he]3227-the driver asks , halting [my]2813-john strop and reminding [me]2813-john that [I]2813-john have yet to fulfil [my]2813-john obligation . ‘[2813-john] Move [[my]2813-john car]653-my car ! ’ [I]2813-john snap , not knowing what else to say . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’ll take that as a no . [You]2813-john ’ll speak to [him]374-patrick today . ’ It ’s not a question . ‘[2813-john] Move [[my]2813-john car]653-my car . ’ [I]2813-john repeat touchily . ‘[2813-john] Anything [you]2813-john want , [lady]2813-john . ’ [His]2813-john eyes are giving [me]2813-john a thorough warning , but [I]2813-john ignore it . ‘[2813-john] Where the hell am [I]2813-john going to park this thing ? ’ [He]3227-the driver starts laughing and strolls off to move [[my]61-darling car]653-my car before jumping in [his]3227-the driver DBS and screeching out of [the car park]711-the car park . * * * After driving around [the nearest car park]711-the car park for an age , [I]61-darling finally find two spaces to straddle . Bursting through the door , the first thing [I]61-darling see is a bunch of [Calla lilies]124-calla lilies spread on [my]61-darling desk and as [I]61-darling get nearer , a little box . ‘[61-darling] [Darling]61-darling ! ’ [Tom]84-tom ’s croon does n’t distract [me]61-darling from the small box . ‘[61-darling] Morning , ’ [I]61-darling greet , taking a seat and picking up the box . ‘[61-darling] [You]61-darling okay ? ’ ‘[125-chirpy] [Chirpy]125-chirpy chirpy . [You]61-darling ? ’ [Tom]84-tom sounds curious now and that does have [my]2813-john eyes dragging away from the box as [I]2813-john remember the last time [I]2813-john saw [him]84-tom . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m good , ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john brush it off and watch as [his]125-chirpy face spreads into a cheeky grin . ‘ [I]125-chirpy ’ve said it before and [I]125-chirpy ’ll say it again . [God]306-jesse , [that man]306-jesse can do a sexy brood ! ’[125-chirpy] [He]125-chirpy starts fanning [his]125-chirpy face with a coffee coaster . ‘ Hot ! ’[125-chirpy] [I]2813-john scoff and turn [my]2813-john attention back to the box . What ’s [he]125-chirpy bought [me]2813-john now ? ‘ Who delivered this ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ask , holding the box up . ‘ [Flower girl]3233-flower girl . ’[84-tom] [Tom]84-tom shrugs and returns to [his]84-tom computer , leaving [me]2813-john to unwrap the neatly covered gift box . [I]2813-john sigh when [I]2813-john open it up and come face to face with a graphite and gold Rolex . It ’s [the women]983-the women ’s equivalent to [Jesse]306-jesse ’s and stunning , but more responsibility . ‘ Wow ! ’[60-sarah] [Sally]60-sarah gushes as [she]60-sarah catches sight of the contents . ‘ Wow , wow , wow ! That ’s beautiful ! ’[60-sarah] [I]2813-john smile at [her]60-sarah enthusiasm and take it from the box , slipping it over [my]2813-john wrist . It really is . ‘ [I]2813-john know . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john say quietly . ‘ Thanks , [Sal]60-sarah . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john move the flowers from [my]2813-john desk and slip the box into [my]2813-john bag . ‘ Would [you]60-sarah like a coffee , [Ava]536-ava ? ’[60-sarah] [Sal]60-sarah walks off towards [the kitchen]3044-the kitchen . ‘ Please . Where are [Patrick]374-patrick and [Victoria]85-victoria ? ’[60-sarah] ‘ [Patrick]374-patrick has a personal meeting and [Victoria]85-victoria is on a site visit . ’[60-sarah] ‘ Oh , okay . ’[60-sarah] After putting [my]2813-john flowers in water , [I]2813-john get stuck into [my]2813-john work , preparing [my]2813-john file to take to [Ruth Quinn]87-ruth ’s , and then printing off all of the details for [the obscenely expensive beds that [Jesse]306-jesse wants made for [The Manor]226-the manor]985-the obscenely expensive beds that jesse wants made for the manor . At ten o’clock , [I]2813-john abruptly come over all queasy and disappear into [the toilet]442-the toilets to try and throw up , but it ’s just not happening . [I]2813-john slump on [the toilet]442-the toilets , feeling hot , bothered and tearful . [I]2813-john need to chase up [my]2813-john hospital appointment . Suddenly a little determined , probably because of how crap [I]2813-john feel , [I]2813-john exit [the toilets]442-the toilets to do exactly that , but [I]2813-john ’m soon halted mid - resolute march when [the main office]678-my office comes into view , and [I]536-ava clock [someone]443-someone sat in one of the tub chairs opposite [my]536-ava desk . [Sarah]60-sarah . [I]536-ava do n’t feel ill anymore . [I]536-ava feel angry . What the fucking hell is [she]60-sarah doing here ? As much as [I]536-ava ’d love to rip [her]60-sarah to shreds , [I]536-ava do n’t want to in [[my]536-ava office]678-my office , so [I]536-ava turn to escape and hide in [the toilets]442-the toilets . ‘[536-ava] [Ava]536-ava ? ’ [I]536-ava snap out of [my]536-ava shocked , fleeing state and turn towards the voice — the voice [I]536-ava ’ve not heard for weeks . [I]536-ava ’m[536-ava] a little surprised this voice has found [me]2813-john , especially after everything that ’s happened . [I]2813-john got [her]464-dan sacked . ‘ [Sarah]60-sarah . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john say flatly . [I]2813-john ’m reeling . Is [she]464-dan going to add to [my]2813-john grievances ? [She]464-dan ’s looking rather understated , [her]464-dan hair softer than usual and [her]464-dan boobs tucked neatly behind a substantial cropped jacket , the short dresses side - lined for a respectful , knee length matching skirt . ‘[2813-john] Why are [you]989-you [here]2799-here ? ’ [I]2813-john ask . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john was hoping [we]991-we could talk . ’ [She]464-dan shifts in the chair uncomfortably , [her]464-dan usual cocky demeanour nowhere in sight . [I]2813-john ’ve been caught completely off guard . Is [she]464-dan playing games again ? ‘[2813-john] Talk ? ’ [I]2813-john ask cautiously . ‘[2813-john] About what ? ’ [I]2813-john ’ve got nothing to say to [this woman]464-dan . [She]464-dan glances around [the office]3076-the office , as do I. [Tom]84-tom is ever [[my]2813-john nosey , gay friend and looking curiously across at [the strange woman who ’s sitting at [my]2813-john desk]464-dan]464-dan . ‘[2813-john] Perhaps [I]2813-john could buy [you]989-you a coffee ? ’ [she]464-dan asks , returning [her]464-dan eyes to [mine]2813-john . Whilst [I]2813-john should be telling [her]464-dan where to go , curiosity is getting the better of [me]2813-john . [I]2813-john walk over to [my]2813-john desk and grab [my]2813-john bag , ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john have half an hour . ’ [I]2813-john say curtly , leaving [her]464-dan behind and walking out of [[my]2813-john office]678-my office . [My]2813-john heart is pumping too fast for [my]2813-john liking . [I]2813-john thought [I]2813-john ’d seen the back of [this whip wielding witch]3239-this whip wielding witch , and now [I]2813-john ’ve clapped eyes on [her]464-dan again , all of the torment and drama [she]464-dan ’s caused is fresh and clear in [my]2813-john mind . All [I]2813-john can see are lash marks on [Jesse]306-jesse , [his]306-jesse tortured face and [my]2813-john pitiful body draped over [him]306-jesse . [She]464-dan has a nerve . [I]2813-john walk into [the nearby Starbucks]3240-the nearby starbucks and settle in a chair . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] not buying [her]992-her a coffee . [I]2813-john know [my]2813-john face is plastered in a look of contempt as [she]992-her approaches the table , but [I]2813-john ca n’t help it . [I]2813-john do n’t want to help it . [I]2813-john want [her]992-her to know how much [I]2813-john hate [her]992-her . ‘ Would [you]2813-john like a drink ? ’[992-her] [she]992-her asks politely . This is not the Sarah [I]2813-john know and despise . ‘ [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] fine . ’ [She]992-her smiles a little . ‘[2813-john] Well , [I]2813-john think [I]2813-john ’ll get one . [I]2813-john do n’t think the management would be very happy about [us]993-us taking a table up . Are [you]2813-john sure ? ’ ‘[2813-john] Yes , ’ [I]2813-john shake [my]2813-john head and watch [her]992-her go quietly to the counter , ensuring [she]992-her ’s busy ordering before [I]2813-john pull [my]2813-john phone from [my]2813-john bag to text [Kate]2774-kate . [I]2813-john need to vent . [The cheeky bitch]2774-kate has turned up at [[my]2813-john office]678-my office ! [She]2774-kate replies immediately . Granted , it was n’t the sort of text that [you]2774-kate could cast aside with the intention to reply soon . No ! ! ! ! ! Really ? [Ava]536-ava , stop talking in fucking code ! Who ’s [the cheeky bitch]2774-kate ? [I]2813-john almost let an exasperated curse fall from [my]2813-john lips . [Sarah]60-sarah ! [Her]2774-kate reply is instant again . Noooooooooooo ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! [My]2813-john fingers work fast across the pad as [I]2813-john look up to check that [Sarah]60-sarah ’s still being served . Fucking yes ! ! ! ! ! Will call u. [I]2813-john go to slip [my]2813-john phone in [my]2813-john bag , but it chimes instantly again . [I]2813-john can imagine [her]60-sarah gasping , [her]60-sarah pale fingers flying across the buttons of [her]60-sarah phone . [She]60-sarah ’s probably driving , too . Call [me]2813-john now , put it on the table . [I]2813-john want 2 hear what [she]60-sarah ’s got 2 say ! [I]2813-john do scoff out loud this time , shaking [my]2813-john head . [She]60-sarah would never keep [her]60-sarah gob shut if [she]60-sarah heard something that [she]60-sarah did n’t like , and then [I]2813-john would be explaining the distant sounds of [[my]2813-john screeching best friend]3242-my screeching best friend . No [I]2813-john press send and smile when [she]60-sarah immediately texts back ; [Bitch]126-bitch ! [I]2813-john shove [my]2813-john phone back in [my]2813-john bag when [Sarah]60-sarah approaches with a coffee , crossing [my]2813-john legs and maintaining a look of complete hatred . [I]2813-john do . [I]2813-john hate [her]60-sarah . [I]2813-john hate everything [she]60-sarah represents , but most of all , [I]2813-john hate [her]60-sarah for inflicting pain on [Jesse]306-jesse . [I]2813-john should stop thinking . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] getting angrier . [My]2813-john moods are extreme these days . [She]994-she lowers [herself]994-she and stirs [her]994-she coffee gingerly , looking down at [her]994-she cup . ‘ [I]994-she wanted to apologise for everything that ’s happened . ’[994-she] ‘ [You]2813-john do ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john laugh . ‘ Are [you]2813-john winding [me]994-she up ? ’[994-she] [She]994-she pauses and looks up at [me]2813-john , smiling nervously . ‘ [Ava]536-ava , [I]994-she ’m[994-she] so sorry . [I]2813-john guess [I]2813-john was a little shocked at [your]2813-john arrival . ’ ‘[2813-john] Oh ? ’ [I]2813-john say on a frown . ‘[2813-john] If [you]2813-john told [me]2813-john where to go , then [I]2813-john would n’t blame [you]2813-john . [I]2813-john ’ve behaved dreadfully . [I]2813-john have no excuse . ’ ‘[2813-john] Except that [you]2813-john ’re in love with [him]2813-john . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john say frankly , and [her]994-she eyes widen in surprise . ‘ Why else would [you]2813-john behave like that , [Sarah]60-sarah ? ’[994-she] [She]994-she looks away , and [I]2813-john think [I]2813-john detect tears in [her]994-she eyes . Oh , [she]994-she ’s really in love with [him]2813-john . Have [I]2813-john underestimated this issue ? ‘ [I]536-ava ’m[536-ava] not going to fob [you]2813-john off , [Ava]536-ava . [I]2813-john ’ve been in love with [Jesse]306-jesse for as long as [I]2813-john can remember . ’ [She]994-she returns [her]994-she eyes to [mine]2813-john . ‘[2813-john] It does n’t excuse [me]2813-john , though . ’ ‘[2813-john] But [you]2813-john whipped [him]2813-john . ’ [I]2813-john do n’t get it . ‘[2813-john] Why would [you]2813-john do that to [[someone]443-someone [you]2813-john love]443-someone ? ’ [She]994-she laughs mildly . ‘[2813-john] That ’s what [I]2813-john do . [I]2813-john dress in leathers , hold a whip and [thrash men]996-thrash men before [I]2813-john fuck [them]996-thrash men . ’ [I]2813-john wince . ‘[2813-john] Okay . ’ ‘[306-jesse] [Jesse]306-jesse was never interested in that . ’ ‘[306-jesse] But [you]2813-john ’ve still fucked [him]306-jesse . ’ [I]306-jesse say candidly . [Jesse]306-jesse has admitted that to [me]306-jesse , and [I]306-jesse know [he]306-jesse was never whipped before that horrible day when [I]306-jesse found [them]996-thrash men in [[his]306-jesse office]2910-his office . [She]3244-she must have been in [her]3244-she element , especially when [she]3244-she managed to entice [me]306-jesse to [The Manor]226-the manor to witness the whole horror scene . [She]3244-she looks surprised . ‘[306-jesse] Yes , but just once . ’ [She]3244-she ’s definitely holding back tears . [I]306-jesse ’ve really misjudged this issue . ‘[306-jesse] Funny , is n’t it ? Even when [he]306-jesse was smashed [he]306-jesse did n’t want [me]2813-john . [He]306-jesse ’d take them all , but never [me]2813-john . ’ [I]306-jesse ’m[306-jesse] beginning to understand this now , even if [I]2813-john ’m not overly happy about the reminder of [Jesse]306-jesse ’s history . [He]306-jesse screwed all over [the place]2776-the place , took anything , anytime … except [Sarah]60-sarah . [The Manor]226-the manor is full of [willing women]3247-willing women , none more than [Sarah]60-sarah , and [he]306-jesse never wanted [her]60-sarah . ‘[997-you] [You]997-you were hoping [he]306-jesse ’d fuck [you]997-you after [you]997-you thrashed [him]306-jesse ? ’ The words turn [my]306-jesse stomach . [I]306-jesse feel sick again . [She]60-sarah shakes [her]60-sarah head . ‘[306-jesse] No , [I]2813-john knew [he]306-jesse would n’t . [He]306-jesse was too screwed up over [you]997-you . [I]2813-john never thought [I]2813-john ’d see the day when [Jesse Ward]306-jesse would fall to [his]306-jesse knees for [a woman]3150-a woman . ’ ‘[306-jesse] [You]997-you mean [you]997-you hoped [you]997-you would never see the day . ’ ‘[997-you] Yes , [I]2813-john hoped . [I]2813-john also hoped that [you]997-you ’d run a mile when [you]997-you found out about [The Manor]226-the manor . ’ [I]60-sarah did run a mile , but [I]60-sarah went back . It did n’t take [Sarah]60-sarah ’s intervention to get [me]60-sarah running after [I]60-sarah discovered [the drunken Jesse]306-jesse , though . [I]60-sarah look at [the woman across the table from [me]60-sarah]3150-a woman , and [I]60-sarah feel sorry for [her]464-dan . [I]60-sarah hate [myself]60-sarah for it , but [I]60-sarah do . ‘[60-sarah] [Sarah]60-sarah , [he]1000-he classes [you]60-sarah as [a friend]1001-a friend . ’ [I]1000-he ca n’t believe [I]1000-he ’m[1000-he] trying to make [this woman]464-dan feel better after everything [she]464-dan ’s done . ‘ Yes , [he]1000-he does . ’[464-dan] [She]464-dan really laughs this time , but then [she]464-dan frowns and returns to stirring [her]464-dan coffee . ‘ After what [you]60-sarah did , and seeing how [he]1000-he reacted to that , it made [me]464-dan realise how stupid [I]464-dan ’d been . [He]1000-he deserves happiness . [He]1000-he deserves [you]60-sarah . [You]60-sarah love [him]1000-he despite [The Manor]226-the manor , what [he]1000-he did , and [his]1000-he problem with alcohol . [You]60-sarah love [him]1000-he in [his]1000-he entirety . ’[464-dan] [She]464-dan smiles . ‘ [You]60-sarah ’ve made [him]1000-he feel . [I]2813-john should never have tried to take that away from [him]1000-he . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m sitting in a stunned silence , just staring at [her]464-dan , with not a clue of what to say in response . What do [I]1003-i say to that ? ‘[1003-i] [You]1003-i want [your]1003-i job back . ’ So [I]2813-john say that ? [Her]464-dan eyes widen . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john do n’t think that can happen , do [you]1003-i ? ’ No , it could n’t . Despite [her]464-dan confessions , [I]1003-i could never trust [her]464-dan or even like [her]464-dan . [I]1003-i can feel a little sorry for [her]464-dan , but [I]1003-i could never invite [her]464-dan back into [our]3249-our lives . [I]1003-i ’ve never asked [Jesse]306-jesse what happened when [he]1003-i fired [her]464-dan . [He]1003-i made it clear it was n’t up for discussion and being delighted that [she]464-dan was out of the picture , [I]1003-i did n’t push it . But now , more than ever , [I]1003-i really want to know what happened during that conversation . ‘[1003-i] [You]1003-i must have seen [him]1003-i with [many women]1004-many women . Why target [me]2813-john ? ’ [I]1003-i ask , although [I]1003-i already know the answer to that question . ‘[1003-i] [You]1003-i were different , that was obvious . [Jesse Ward]306-jesse does n’t pursue [women]253-women . [Jesse Ward]306-jesse does n’t take [women]253-women back to [[his]306-jesse home]1006-his home . [Jesse Ward]306-jesse does n’t not drink . [You]1003-i ’ve changed [that man]306-jesse . [You]1003-i ’ve done what [many women]1004-many women have tried and failed to do for many years , [Ava]536-ava . [You]1003-i ’ve won [The Lord]536-ava . ’ [She]72-mrs ward stands up . ‘[536-ava] Congratulations , [Mrs Ward]72-mrs ward . Take care of [him]306-jesse . Make [him]306-jesse happy . [He]306-jesse deserves it . ’ [She]72-mrs ward leaves . As [I]1008-i watch [her]72-mrs ward back disappear out of [Starbucks]19-starbucks , [I]1008-i feel tearful again . [I]1008-i ’ve won [The Lord]536-ava . [I]1008-i ’ve changed [him]536-ava . [I]1008-i ’ve made [him]536-ava stop drinking and fucking around . [I]1008-i ’ve made [him]536-ava feel and love . And [he]536-ava does love . [He]536-ava loves really hard , and [I]1008-i love [him]536-ava really hard , too . [I]1008-i need to see [him]536-ava . [I]1008-i really need to see [him]536-ava . Damn [Ruth Quinn]87-ruth and [her]87-ruth demanding arse . [I]1008-i jump up and race to [the car park]711-the car park to collect [my]1008-i present , calling [Kate]2774-kate on the way . ‘[1008-i] What did [she]1008-i say ? ’ [she]1008-i screeches down the phone before it ’s even rung . ‘[1008-i] Apologised . ’ [I]1008-i ’m[1008-i] a little breathless . ‘ Anyway , [I]1009-coral ’m[1009-coral] keeping [the baby]1009-coral . ’ [She]1008-i laughs at [me]1009-coral . ‘[1009-coral] Of course [you]1009-coral are , [[you]1009-coral stupid cow]1009-coral . ’ [I]536-ava smile as [I]536-ava run towards [the car park]711-the car park , keen to get [my]536-ava appointment with [Ruth]87-ruth out of the way so [I]536-ava can get to [Jesse]306-jesse . * * * ‘[536-ava] [Ava]536-ava ! ’ [Her]87-ruth smiley face almost irritates [me]87-ruth . ‘[87-ruth] Hi , [Ruth]87-ruth . ’ [I]87-ruth practically push past [her]87-ruth into the shell of [a kitchen]3251-a kitchen , doing a quick analyse . Everything looks like it ’s on track . Nothing is jumping out as being a problem . ‘[87-ruth] [I]2813-john ca n’t stay long , [Ruth]87-ruth . [I]2813-john have another meeting . ’ [I]2813-john turn to face [her]87-ruth . ‘[2813-john] Oh ? Coffee ? ’ [She]87-ruth looks hopeful . ‘[2813-john] No , really . What ’s the problem ? ’ [I]2813-john ask , trying to prompt [her]87-ruth along , but [she]87-ruth does n’t look like [she]87-ruth ’s in a hurry as [she]87-ruth meanders over to a makeshift table and starts faffing with a mug . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’ll just make [myself]2813-john one , and [we]1010-we can go sit in [the lounge where it ’s less dusty]1011-the lounge where it ’s less dusty . ’ [I]2813-john screw [my]2813-john face up in frustration . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m sorry , [I]2813-john double booked , [Ruth]87-ruth . Can [we]1010-we re - arrange ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m feeling panicky . ‘[2813-john] Oh . It wo n’t take long . ’ [She]87-ruth carries on about [her]87-ruth slow business , while [I]2813-john shift impatiently behind [her]87-ruth . [You]1012-you would think [she]87-ruth was doing this on purpose . ‘[2813-john] Did [you]1012-you have a good weekend with [[your]1012-you parents]502-your parents ? ’ The question throws [me]1012-you , but [I]1012-you quickly engage [my]1012-you brain before [I]1012-you drop [myself]1012-you in it . ‘[1012-you] Oh , yes , thank [you]1012-you . ’ ‘[1012-you] Are [you]1012-you sure [you]1012-you do n’t want a coffee ? ’ [She]87-ruth lazily strolls over to [the fridge]3252-the fridge to get the milk . ‘[1012-you] No , honestly . ’ [I]1012-you ca n’t help the irritation in [my]1012-you tone . ‘[1012-you] It ’s funny . [I]2813-john was sure that [I]2813-john saw [you]1012-you on Friday evening . ’ [she]87-ruth says casually . ‘[2813-john] In [a bar]491-a bar . What ’s it called ? ’ [She]87-ruth pours the milk leisurely and stirs even slower . ‘[2813-john] That ’s it . Baroque on [Piccadilly]10-piccadilly . ’ ‘[2813-john] Oh ? ’ Shit ! ‘[2813-john] Yes , [I]2813-john joined [a few work friends]1015-a few work friends . Nothing much . [I]2813-john left Saturday morning to visit [[my]2813-john parents]2767-my parents . ’ [My]2813-john fingers are twisting wildly in [my]2813-john hair . Why am [I]2813-john even lying to [her]87-ruth ? What [I]2813-john do and when [I]2813-john do it is none of [her]87-ruth business . [She]87-ruth turns with a smile , but then [her]87-ruth eyes fall on [my]2813-john left hand and there is no mistaking the eye bulge . [I]2813-john look at [my]2813-john diamond adorned ring finger and suddenly feel uneasy . ‘[2813-john] [You]1017-you ’ve never said [you]1017-you were married . ’ [she]87-ruth laughs . ‘[1017-you] [I]2813-john feel so stupid ! There ’s [me]2813-john , telling [you]1017-you to steer clear of [all men]1018-all men , and all along [you]1017-you were married ! ’ [She]87-ruth actually starts blushing , and a horrible realisation kicks in . [She]87-ruth ’s gay ! Oh no ! Oh fucking hell ! That would explain it , all of the invitations to drinks , the persistent calling and meetings , and now [her]87-ruth eyes bulging at [my]2813-john rings . [She]87-ruth fancies [me]2813-john . Now [I]2813-john really do feel uncomfortable . ‘[2813-john] Wait there . ’ [She]87-ruth frowns . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john remember [you]1017-you saying [you]1017-you had [a boyfriend]1019-a boyfriend , ’ [Her]87-ruth frown deepens . ‘[1019-a boyfriend] And [you]1017-you did n’t have any rings on last week . ’ [I]1019-a boyfriend shift on [my]1019-a boyfriend heels . ‘[1019-a boyfriend] [I]2813-john only recently got married . ’ [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] not going into this . ‘ [My]2813-john rings were being re - sized . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ca n’t look at [her]1019-a boyfriend . [She]1019-a boyfriend ’s attractive , but not like that . ‘ Why did n’t [you]1017-you say ? ’[1019-a boyfriend] [She]1019-a boyfriend sounds offended . Why did n’t [I]2813-john say ? Lots of reasons ! ‘ It was a low - key affair . [Just family]3253-just family . ’[1019-a boyfriend] Would [she]1019-a boyfriend have expected an invite , or would [she]1019-a boyfriend have tried to stop [me]2813-john ? All this talk is making [me]2813-john want to get to [Jesse]306-jesse even more . Should [I]2813-john tell [her]1019-a boyfriend that [I]2813-john ’m pregnant too ? By , the look on [her]1019-a boyfriend face , it would probably finish [her]1019-a boyfriend off . [She]1019-a boyfriend looks hurt . ‘[87-ruth] [Ruth]87-ruth , [I]2813-john really must ask what [you]87-ruth wanted to discuss so [I]2813-john can remedy it and get going . [I]2813-john ’m sorry to do this . ’[1019-a boyfriend] [She]1019-a boyfriend makes an obviously bad job of hiding [her]1019-a boyfriend alarm and giving [me]2813-john a fake smile . ‘ No , [you]87-ruth go . It can wait . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m relieved but shocked . Maybe this was the best thing that could ’ve happened . Will [she]1019-a boyfriend ease off on the persistent offers of drinks and meetings ? [I]2813-john ca n’t believe [I]2813-john did n’t see this before . [A woman who looks like this with [no man]3255-no man]3254-a woman who looks like this with no man ? [I]2813-john do n’t dwell on it for long , though . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] itching to escape , and not just because [I]2813-john have [a female admirer]1020-a female admirer . ‘ Thank [you]87-ruth , [Ruth]87-ruth . [We]3256-we ’ll re - arrange . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john do n’t hang around . [I]2813-john exit hastily and wave [my]2813-john arm over [my]2813-john shoulder as [I]2813-john do . [I]2813-john ’m such [a fool]731-a fool . [I]536-ava run down the path and jump into [[my]536-ava shiny new car]3258-my shiny new car , nearly breaking down in tears when [Angel]57-angel hits [my]536-ava eardrums . * * * [I]536-ava frantically stab at the button on the intercom , but after a few agonising minutes , the gates still are n’t opening , so [I]536-ava dive into [my]536-ava bag and retrieve [my]536-ava phone to dial [him]536-ava . It rings once . ‘[536-ava] [Ava]536-ava ? ’ ‘[536-ava] The gates wo n’t open ! ’ [I]536-ava sound distressed and crazy , but [I]536-ava ’m[536-ava] going out of [my]2813-john mind with the need to see [him]536-ava . ‘ Hey , calm down . ’[536-ava] [He]536-ava sounds equally anxious . ‘ Where are [you]536-ava ? ’[536-ava] ‘ [I]536-ava ’m[536-ava] at the gates ! [I]2813-john ’ve been pressing the button , but [no one]548-no one ’s opening them ! ’ ‘[536-ava] [Ava]536-ava , stop it . [You]536-ava ’re worrying [me]536-ava . ’[536-ava] ‘ [I]2813-john need [you]536-ava . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john sob , finally giving in to the overwhelming guilt that ’s been looming deep inside of [me]2813-john for days . ‘ [Jesse]306-jesse , [I]2813-john need [you]536-ava . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john can hear [his]536-ava laboured breathing down the phone . [He]536-ava ’s running . ‘ Pull down the sun visor , [baby]536-ava . ’[536-ava] [I]2813-john look up through [my]2813-john tears and yank down the white leather , finding two small black devices . [I]2813-john do n’t wait for [his]536-ava instruction . [I]2813-john press them both and the gates start to swing open . [I]2813-john throw [my]2813-john phone on the passenger seat and bang [my]2813-john foot down on the accelerator , immediately zooming forward . [I]2813-john ’m crying hard now , painful , aching , heavy tears as [I]1022-his weave up the tree lined driveway in a blur until [I]1022-his see [Jesse]306-jesse ’s [Aston Martin]127-aston martin come speeding from the other direction . [I]1022-his slam [my]1022-his brakes on and jump out , running at full pelt toward [him]127-aston martin . [He]127-aston martin looks absolutely terrified as [he]127-aston martin flies from [[his]127-aston martin car]716-his car , leaving the door open , and sprints towards [[his]127-aston martin crazy , hysterical wife]3260-his crazy , hysterical wife . [I]1022-his ca n’t help it , [I]1022-his ’m[1022-his] freaking [him]1022-his out , but this sudden clarity has sent [me]2813-john into a panic attack . [I]2813-john ’ve lost control of [my]2813-john emotions . The cold hearted bitch [I]2813-john ’ve been is suddenly melting and letting [me]2813-john see things clearly . [Our]1023-our bodies ’ crash together , and [I]1022-his ’m[1022-his] immediately engulfed by [him]1022-his , every hard muscle pushed up against [me]2813-john as [I]2813-john ’m lifted and held tight to [his]1022-his body . [I]2813-john sob relentlessly into [his]1022-his neck as [he]1022-his paces around [the driveway]3261-the driveway just holding [me]2813-john . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] so stupid . [I]2813-john ’m such [a stupid , selfish , heartless cow]3262-a stupid , selfish , heartless cow . ‘[306-jesse] [Jesus]306-jesse , [Ava]536-ava . ’ [he]1022-his pants into [my]2813-john neck . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m sorry . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john still sound frantic , even though [I]2813-john feel a million times better for being in [his]1022-his arms . ‘ What ’s happened ? ’[2813-john] ‘ Nothing . [I]2813-john just needed to see [you]306-jesse . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john grip [him]1022-his tighter . [I]2813-john ca n’t get [him]1022-his close enough . ‘ Fucking hell , [Ava]536-ava ! Please , explain ! ’[1022-his] [He]1022-his tries to release [me]2813-john , but [I]2813-john firm up [my]2813-john already iron hold , refusing to let [him]1022-his put [me]2813-john down . ‘ [Ava]536-ava ? ’[2813-john] ‘ Can [we]3263-we go [home]2904-home ? ’[1022-his] ‘ No ! Not until [you]306-jesse tell [me]2813-john why the fuck [you]306-jesse ’re[2813-john] in such a state . ’ [he]1022-his shouts , battling with [my]2813-john clutching arms . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] no match for [him]1022-his . [He]1022-his soon detaches [me]2813-john from [his]1022-his body and stands [me]2813-john in front of [him]1022-his , scanning every square inch of [my]2813-john figure as [he]1022-his holds the tops of [my]2813-john arms . ‘ What ’s going on ? ’[1022-his] ‘ [I]1022-his ’m[1022-his] pregnant . ’ [I]2813-john sob . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john lied to [you]2813-john . [I]2813-john ’m sorry . ’[1022-his] [He]1022-his physically starts twitching and drops [me]2813-john , stepping back , [his]1022-his eyes wide , [his]1022-his frown line deep . ‘ What ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john brush [my]2813-john rolling tears away and drop [my]2813-john eyes to the floor . [I]2813-john feel so ashamed of [myself]2813-john . [He]1022-his ’s no saint , but while [he]1022-his was trying to make life , [I]2813-john was thinking about destroying it . That really is unforgivable , not that [I]2813-john could ever tell [him]1022-his what [I]2813-john was thinking . ‘ [You]1022-his make [me]2813-john so mad . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john whisper pitifully . ‘ [You]1022-his make [me]2813-john mad and then [you]1022-his make [me]2813-john so happy . [I]2813-john did n’t know what to do . ’[2813-john] It ’s a feeble and pathetic excuse . When a few silent , awkward moments have past , and [he]1022-his still has n’t spoken , [I]2813-john chance a glance at [him]1022-his . [He]1022-his looks in shock . ‘ Fuck ! [Ava]536-ava , are [you]536-ava trying to get [me]1022-his sectioned ? ’[1022-his] [His]1022-his hands delve into [his]1022-his hair , and [he]1022-his looks up to the sky . ‘ Are [you]536-ava fucking with [my]1022-his mind because [I]1022-his really do n’t need this , [lady]536-ava . [I]1022-his ’ve just got [my]1022-his head around [you]536-ava not pregnant , and now [you]536-ava are ? ’[1022-his] ‘ [I]1022-his always have been . ’[1022-his] [His]1022-his head drops and so do [his]1022-his hands . [They]1024-they just dangle by [his]1022-his sides as [he]1022-his studies [me]2813-john closely , a disbelieving look on [his]1022-his face . ‘ When were [you]536-ava going to tell [me]1022-his ? ’[1022-his] ‘ When [I]2813-john accepted it . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john do n’t even think [I]2813-john ’m lying , and [my]1025-i lack of need to try and restrain [my]1025-i natural reflex is telling [me]1025-i so . Maybe [I]1025-i was trying to make the most of [dominant Jesse]306-jesse before [he]1022-his starts treating [me]1025-i like glass again . [I]1025-i do n’t even know . [I]1025-i ’ve been so stupid . ‘[1025-i] [We]1025-i ’re having [a baby]2851-a baby ? ’[1022-his] [He]1022-his barely whispers the words , and [I]2813-john nod [my]2813-john confirmation . [I]2813-john ca n’t talk . [His]1022-his eyes fall from [mine]2813-john to [my]2813-john stomach and linger for a while , and then [I]2813-john see a tear trickle down [his]1022-his cheek . It enflames the guilt further , but when [he]1022-his drops to [his]1022-his knees , [I]2813-john lose complete control of [my]2813-john own weeping . [I]2813-john ’m just standing and crying , watching [his]1022-his slumped body silently shedding tears in front of [me]2813-john . [I]2813-john really have fucked with [his]1022-his head , as if [he]1022-his needs it where [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] concerned . [My]2813-john natural response to [[my]2813-john beautiful , [neurotic man]1026-boy]1026-boy ’s reaction is to walk straight to [him]1026-boy and join [him]1026-boy on the floor . [My]2813-john arms creep over [his]1026-boy shoulders and hold [him]1026-boy tight to [me]2813-john as [he]1026-boy sobs into [my]2813-john neck , [his]1026-boy hands drifting all over [my]2813-john back , like [he]1026-boy ’s checking that [I]2813-john ’m really here . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m so sorry . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john say quietly . [He]1026-boy does n’t speak . [He]1026-boy stands and lifts [me]2813-john with [him]1026-boy before taking [me]2813-john to [[his]1026-boy car]716-his car and depositing [me]2813-john in the passenger seat , remaining silent as [he]1026-boy buckles [me]2813-john in . Taking [his]1026-boy phone from the inside pocket of [his]1026-boy suit jacket , [he]1026-boy shuts the door before walking off and making a call while [he]1026-boy moves [[my]2813-john new car]716-his car to the side of [the driveway]3261-the driveway . [He]1026-boy returns and puts [my]2813-john bag between [my]2813-john feet before driving [us]1029-us [home]2904-home in complete silence . Chapter 13 [He]1026-boy still has n’t said a word by the time [we]1029-us pull up at [Lusso]95-lusso . [He]1026-boy gets out and collects [me]2813-john , walking [me]2813-john straight past a cautious looking [Casey]95-lusso and putting [me]2813-john in [the penthouse elevator]1031-the penthouse elevator . [I]2813-john glance up at [him]1026-boy , but [he]1026-boy ’s keeping [his]1026-boy gaze pointed forward , not even meeting [my]2813-john eyes when [I]2813-john look at [him]1026-boy in the reflection of the doors . When [he]1026-boy opens the door into [the penthouse]3011-the penthouse , [Cathy]1284-cathy appears from [the kitchen]3044-the kitchen , [her]1284-cathy happy smile dropping away as soon as [she]1284-cathy notices [her]1284-cathy cheerfulness is n’t being reciprocated . ‘ Is everything okay ? ’[1284-cathy] [She]1284-cathy assesses [us]1034-us both , then looks to [Jesse]306-jesse for an answer , but [he]1026-boy just hands [me]2813-john [my]2813-john bag and nods towards [the stairs]3122-the stairs . [I]2813-john look at [him]1026-boy , silently begging for some words . [He]1026-boy does n’t indulge [me]2813-john . [He]1026-boy nods again . ‘ [Boy]1026-boy ? ’[1026-boy] [Cathy]1284-cathy prompts warily . ‘ Everything is fine . [Ava]536-ava ’s not feeling too well . ’[1026-boy] [He]1026-boy lightly pushes into [my]2813-john back with [his]1026-boy hand , urging [me]2813-john forward . ‘ Are [you]1026-boy coming ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ask . ‘ [I]1026-boy ’ll be up in a minute . Go . ’[1026-boy] [He]1026-boy reinforces [his]1026-boy words with a firmer push of [his]1026-boy hand , and [I]2813-john leave [him]1026-boy with [Cathy]1284-cathy . As [I]2813-john ’m passing [[Jesse]306-jesse ’s sweet housekeeper]3266-jesse ’s sweet housekeeper , [she]3266-jesse ’s sweet housekeeper reaches out and gently strokes [my]2813-john shoulder , giving [me]2813-john a small smile . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m glad [you]536-ava ’re[536-ava] [home]2904-home , [Ava]536-ava . ’ [I]536-ava return [her]3266-jesse ’s sweet housekeeper smile . It ’s a feeble smile . [I]536-ava feel uncertain and a little concerned by [Jesse]306-jesse ’s despondent state . ‘[536-ava] Thank [you]536-ava . ’ [I]536-ava make [my]536-ava way [upstairs]2927-upstairs , entering [the master - suite]3268-the master - suite and settling on the end of the bed . Not knowing what to do , [I]536-ava kick [my]536-ava shoes off and shuffle [myself]536-ava up the bed a little more . [My]536-ava eyes are brimming with tears again as [I]536-ava clutch [my]536-ava knees to [my]536-ava chest and wait for [him]306-jesse . [I]536-ava know that right now is when [we]3218-both of us ’ll talk about this , now [we]3218-both of us have both acknowledged what is happening ; but in order to have a talk , [both of [us]3218-both of us]3218-both of us need to be speaking , and [Jesse]306-jesse does n’t look like [he]306-jesse plans on saying anything . [I]536-ava have no idea what is going through that crazy mind of [his]306-jesse and the strained atmosphere is pushing doubts back into [me]536-ava . [I]536-ava need reassurance , not silence , not time to talk [my]536-ava way back out of this . [My]536-ava head snaps up when [he]306-jesse enters [the bedroom]2800-the bathroom , but [he]306-jesse does n’t look at [me]536-ava . Instead , [he]306-jesse goes straight to [the bathroom]2800-the bathroom . [I]536-ava hear the waterfall tap of the bath start pouring and the faffing of [his]306-jesse movements as [he]306-jesse follows through on [his]306-jesse usual bath time routine , collecting everything [he]306-jesse ’ll need and placing it within reach . [We]3271-we ’re[536-ava] having a bath ? After way too long of [me]2813-john just sitting on the bed , listening to the water running and [Jesse]306-jesse ’s quiet activities , [he]306-jesse eventually walks soundlessly into [the bedroom]2800-the bathroom and approaches [me]2813-john without a word . Taking [my]2813-john hand and pulling [me]2813-john up from the bed , [he]306-jesse strips [me]2813-john down , removes [my]2813-john diamond and [my]2813-john Rolex , for which [I]2813-john have n’t even thanked [him]306-jesse , before picking [me]2813-john up and carrying [me]2813-john into [the bathroom]2800-the bathroom . [He]306-jesse lowers [me]2813-john gently into the bath . ‘ Is the water okay ? ’[306-jesse] [he]306-jesse asks softly , releasing [me]2813-john and kneeling by the side of the tub . ‘ It ’s fine , ’[306-jesse] [I]2813-john answer , watching as [he]306-jesse removes [his]306-jesse suit jacket and unbuttons the cuffs of [his]306-jesse shirt before pushing them up [his]306-jesse arms . [He]306-jesse collects the sponge and dips , then squeezes some soap on it and turns [me]2813-john away from [him]306-jesse . [He]306-jesse starts gliding it across [my]2813-john back in gentle , steady strokes . [I]2813-john ’m a little confused . ‘[2813-john] Are n’t [you]1038-you getting in ? ’ [I]2813-john ask quietly . [I]2813-john want [him]306-jesse to lay behind [me]2813-john so [I]2813-john can feel [him]306-jesse , take comfort in [him]306-jesse . [I]2813-john need that . ‘[2813-john] Let [me]2813-john look after [you]1038-you . ’ [His]306-jesse voice is low and unsure . [I]2813-john do n’t like it . [I]2813-john turn [myself]2813-john around to face [him]306-jesse , finding glazed green eyes and a stoic expression . It pulls at [my]2813-john heart . [I]2813-john ’ve really fucked with [his]306-jesse mind this time . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john need [you]1038-you closer than this . ’ [I]2813-john reach up with [my]2813-john wet hand and lay [my]2813-john palm on [his]306-jesse cheek . ‘[2813-john] Please , ’ [He]306-jesse watches [me]2813-john carefully for a few moments , like [he]306-jesse ’s deciding whether [he]306-jesse should , but [he]306-jesse eventually sighs and drops the sponge , before [he]306-jesse stands and slowly removes [his]306-jesse clothes . Stepping in behind [me]2813-john , [he]306-jesse lowers [himself]306-jesse to cocoon [me]2813-john completely . [I]2813-john feel immediately better with [his]306-jesse warm hardness cradling [me]2813-john , but [I]2813-john ca n’t see [him]306-jesse , so [I]2813-john turn over and sit on [his]306-jesse lap , encouraging [his]306-jesse knees up so [I]2813-john can lean back and look at [him]306-jesse . [I]2813-john take [his]306-jesse hands and interlace [our]3272-our fingers , and [we]3272-our both watch in silence as [we]3272-our play with [each other]3052-each other ’s hands , [our]3272-our tangled fingers glimmering now and then when [our]3272-our rings catch the reflections of the water . It ’s not a difficult silence anymore . ‘[2813-john] Why did [you]1039-you lie to [me]2813-john , [Ava]536-ava ? ’ [he]536-ava whispers , still watching [our]3272-our snaking fingers working together . [My]2813-john movements falter for a few moments but do n’t stop completely . It ’s a question that [I]2813-john predicted and it ’s one that needs answering . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john was scared . [I]2813-john ’m still scared . ’[2813-john] It ’s nothing but the truth , and [he]536-ava needs to hear it . [He]536-ava needs to know that this whole situation terrifies [me]2813-john . ‘ Of [me]536-ava , ’[536-ava] [he]536-ava says simply . ‘ [You]1039-you ’re[536-ava] scared of [me]2813-john . ’ [He]536-ava does n’t elaborate , and [he]536-ava does n’t need to . [I]2813-john know what [he]536-ava means , and [he]536-ava knows that , too . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m scared of how [you]1039-you ’ll be . ’[2813-john] ‘ [You]1039-you mean more crazy . ’[536-ava] [he]536-ava confirms , keeping [his]536-ava eyes on out entwined fingers . ‘ It was n’t even definite and [you]1039-you were treating [me]536-ava like a priceless object . ’[536-ava] [He]536-ava exhales softly and takes both of [our]1040-our hands to [his]536-ava chest , resting them over [his]536-ava heart , but [he]536-ava still does n’t look at [me]2813-john . ‘ [You]1039-you also think that [I]536-ava might love [[our]1040-our child]3274-our child more than [you]1039-you . ’[536-ava] The words make [me]2813-john go rigid . [They]1041-they ’re the words [I]536-ava have refused to acknowledge every time [they]1041-they ’ve whirled around in [my]536-ava head . [I]536-ava am worried that [he]536-ava ’ll love [[our]1040-our child]3274-our child more than [me]536-ava . Selfishly , yes , it frightens [me]536-ava to death . The unreasonable thought has been lingering there somewhere , [I]536-ava ’ll admit it to [myself]536-ava now . [I]536-ava ’ve not long had [his]536-ava love , and [I]536-ava ’m[536-ava] blessed to have it . Who would n’t want to be loved so powerfully , so passionately ? [I]2813-john ’m not ready to share [him]536-ava , not with [anyone]2929-anyone , not even a part of [us]1040-our . ‘[1042-you] Would [you]1042-you ? ’ [I]1042-you ask quietly . [I]1042-you ’m[1042-you] not sure how [he]1043-he ’ll answer . All [I]2813-john ’ve got to go on is how desperate [he]1043-he is for [a baby]306-jesse . [His]1043-he eyes lift slowly , revealing a sadness [I]2813-john ’ve never seen before . Or it could be disappointment . [I]2813-john ’m not sure . ‘[2813-john] Do [you]1042-you feel that ? ’ [He]1043-he flattens [my]2813-john palms on [his]1043-he chest and holds them there firmly . ‘[2813-john] It was made to love [you]1042-you , [Ava]536-ava . For too long it was useless , redundant , not required . Now it ’s gone into overdrive . It swells with happiness when [I]2813-john look at [you]1042-you . It splinters with pain when [we]1045-we fight . And it beats wildly when [I]2813-john make love to [you]1042-you . Maybe [I]2813-john go overboard with [my]2813-john love , but that ’s never going to change . [I]2813-john ’ll love [you]1042-you this fiercely until the day [I]2813-john die , [baby]306-jesse . [Children]1046-children or not . ’ [I]1046-children ’m[1046-children] crippled more than ever before . It really is n’t possible for [me]2813-john to love [this man]222-this man more . ‘ [I]222-this man never want to be without [your]1042-you fierce love . ’[222-this man] [He]222-this man reaches up and slides [his]222-this man hand around the base of [my]2813-john neck , pulling [me]2813-john down so [our]1045-we foreheads meet . ‘ [You]1042-you wo n’t be . [I]536-ava ’ll never stop loving [you]1042-you hard . It ’ll only get harder because every day that passes [we]1045-we create more memories . Memories [I]536-ava ’ll treasure , not memories [I]536-ava want to forget . [My]536-ava mind is being filled with beautiful images of [us]1045-we , and they are replacing a history that lingers . [They]1048-they ’re[536-ava] chasing away [my]2813-john past , [Ava]536-ava . [I]2813-john need [them]1048-they . [I]2813-john need [you]1049-his . ’ ‘[1049-his] [You]1049-his have [me]2813-john . ’ [I]1049-his breathe , shifting [my]1049-his hands up to [his]1049-his shoulders . ‘[1049-his] Do n’t ever leave [me]2813-john again . ’ [He]1049-his kisses [me]1049-his gently . ‘[1049-his] It hurt so badly . ’ [I]2813-john sit up on [his]1049-his lap and pull [him]1049-his up with [me]2813-john , wrapping [my]2813-john arms so tightly around [him]1049-his and pushing [my]2813-john mouth to [his]1049-his ear . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m crazy in love with [you]2813-john . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john whisper . ‘ Fiercely , too . That ’s never going to stop , not ever . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john kiss [his]2813-john ear . ‘ End of . ’[2813-john] [His]2813-john head turns into [me]2813-john , catching [my]2813-john lips . ‘ Good . [My]2813-john heart is swelling . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john smile a little as [he]2813-john reinforces [his]2813-john happiness with [his]2813-john kiss , drifting back down in the tub until [I]2813-john ’m sprawled across [his]2813-john chest . [We]3276-we just kiss , for a long , long time . It ’s gentle and sweet , but it ’s what [we]3276-we both need right now . Pure , unapologetic , powerful love . It ’s potent . It overpowers [us]3276-we both . [He]2813-john pulls back and encases [my]2813-john face with [his]2813-john hands . ‘[2813-john] Let [me]2813-john bathe [you]2813-john . ’ ‘[2813-john] But [I]2813-john ’m comfy . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john just want to lie on [his]2813-john chest and stay until the water cools and [I]2813-john ’m forced to vacate the giant tub . ‘[2813-john] [We]1050-we can be comfy in bed and [you]2813-john can fall asleep in [my]2813-john arms where [you]2813-john ’re supposed to be . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john frown . ‘ It ’s not even mid - afte … ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john halt . ‘ [I]2813-john ’ve not gone back to work ! ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john start to scramble off [him]2813-john to call [Patrick]374-patrick , but [I]2813-john ’m swiftly restrained and pulled back down to [his]374-patrick chest . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john took care of it . Unravel [your]2813-john knickers , [lady]2813-john ’ ‘[2813-john] When ? ’ ‘[2813-john] When [I]2813-john brought [you]2813-john [home]2904-home . ’ [He]2813-john turns [me]2813-john around in [his]2813-john lap and retrieves the sponge from the water . ‘[2813-john] What did [you]2813-john tell [him]2813-john ? ’ ‘[2813-john] That [you]2813-john ’re ill . ’[2813-john] ‘ [He]2813-john ’ll be sacking [me]2813-john soon . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john sigh and lean forward , dropping [my]2813-john heavy head between [my]2813-john propped up knees and letting [Jesse]306-jesse soak [me]2813-john all over with lazy rubs and squeezes of the sponge . The silence is comfortable , [my]2813-john mind serene . [I]2813-john close [my]2813-john eyes and absorb the love that ’s flowing into [me]2813-john from [our]1053-us contact through the sponge . That ’s how powerful it is . It can battle through any obstacle that ’s placed between [us]1053-us , be it an inanimate object , such as a simple sponge , or a living , breathing person , such as a Coral or [a Sarah]1054-a sarah … or [a Mikael]1055-a mikael . Nothing can or ever will tear [us]1053-us apart … only [us]1053-us . When [he]2813-john ’s looked after [me]2813-john for a while , [he]2813-john wraps [me]2813-john in a towel and sits [me]2813-john on the vanity unit . ‘ Stay there . ’[2813-john] [he]2813-john orders gently before dropping a chaste kiss on [my]2813-john lips and leaving [me]2813-john with a furrowed brow . ‘ Where are [you]2813-john going ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john call after [him]2813-john . ‘ Just wait . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john hear [him]2813-john rummaging and the crumpling of a paper bag , and [he]2813-john ’s soon standing in front of [me]2813-john again , holding it up with slightly raised brows . ‘ What ’s that ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ask , pulling [my]2813-john towel in a little more . [He]2813-john takes a deep breath and opens it up , thrusting it towards [me]2813-john so [I]2813-john can take a peek . [I]2813-john throw [him]2813-john inquisitive eyes and lean forward to look in the bag . As soon as [I]2813-john register the contents , [I]2813-john bolt upright on a shocked gasp . ‘ [You]2813-john do n’t believe [me]2813-john ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m hurt and it ’s obvious . [He]2813-john rolls [his]2813-john eyes and reaches in , pulling out a pregnancy test . ‘[2813-john] Of course [I]2813-john do . ’ ‘[2813-john] Then why do [you]2813-john have a paper bag with … ’ [I]2813-john grab it and tip it upside down , emptying the little boxes into the sink next to [me]2813-john . [I]2813-john start picking them up and chucking them on the counter . ‘[2813-john] One , two , three , four , five , six , seven , eight . Why do [you]2813-john have eight pregnancy tests ? ’ [I]2813-john turn [my]2813-john eyes back to [[my]2813-john mad - cap husband]3277-my mad - cap husband and wave one of the boxes under [his]3277-my mad - cap husband nose . [He]3277-my mad - cap husband shrugs sheepishly and bats the box away . ‘[2813-john] There are two in a box . ’ ‘[2813-john] Sixteen ? ’ [I]2813-john blurt . [He]3277-my mad - cap husband starts opening one of the boxes . ‘[2813-john] Sometimes [they]1056-his do n’t work properly . [They]1056-his ’re just back - ups . ’[1056-his] [He]1056-his slides a stick out and takes it to [his]1056-his mouth , ripping off the plastic packaging before [he]1056-his thrusts it at [me]2813-john . ‘ [You]2813-john have to pee on this bit here , look . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john watch [him]1056-his pull the cap off the end and point to the only non - plastic part of the stick . ‘ [I]1056-his did one at [the Doctor]3089-the doctor ’s , [Jesse]306-jesse . [I]1056-his know how [they]1056-his work . Why wo n’t [you]2813-john take [my]1056-his word for it ? ’[1056-his] [His]1056-his lip slides straight between [his]1056-his teeth and starts to receive a nervous chew . ‘ [I]1056-his do take [your]2813-john word for it , but [I]1056-his need to see it for [myself]1056-his . ’[1056-his] [I]2813-john feel a little offended , although [I]2813-john have no right to be . [I]2813-john ’ve already mislead [him]1056-his and played with that crazy mind . [I]2813-john ca n’t blame [him]1056-his for wanting official confirmation . ‘ How long have [you]2813-john had these ? ’[1056-his] [He]1056-his pouts and shrugs guiltily , dropping [his]1056-his eyes . [He]1056-his does n’t need to say . [I]2813-john put [my]2813-john hand out and [his]1056-his eyes lift . [They]1057-they are sparkling again . ‘ Give , ’[1057-they] [I]2813-john nod at the stick and watch as [his]1056-his lip slips through [his]1056-his bite , and [he]1056-his smiles . [He]1056-his really really smiles . [I]2813-john think this smile even tops [his]1056-his one reserved only for [me]2813-john . [I]2813-john quickly bat away the silly pang of jealousy that stabs at [me]2813-john because of it . [I]2813-john ’m being ridiculous . [I]2813-john jump down from [the unit]3279-the unit . ‘[2813-john] Some privacy please . ’ [He]1056-his recoils , a look of disbelief on [his]1056-his face . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m staying . ’[1056-his] [he]1056-his says incredulously . ‘ [I]1056-his ’m[1056-his] not peeing on a stick in front of [you]1058-you ! ’ [I]306-jesse shake [my]306-jesse head . ‘[306-jesse] No way , [Ward]306-jesse . ’ [He]1056-his sits down on the floor in front of [me]306-jesse , [his]1056-his towel gaping open and revealing … everything . ‘[306-jesse] Move [me]2813-john . ’ [He]1056-his ’s fighting a smug grin from [his]1056-his lush lips . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’ll use [another bathroom]2800-the bathroom . ’ [I]2813-john retort haughtily as [I]2813-john sidestep [him]1056-his to exit [the bathroom]2800-the bathroom . [I]2813-john yelp as [my]2813-john ankle is grasped and [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] suddenly trying to pull a dead weight to escape . ‘ [Jesse]306-jesse ! ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john tug [my]2813-john leg , but it ’s completely hopeless . [I]2813-john turn to find [him]2813-john lying on [his]2813-john stomach , now with both palms wrapped around [my]2813-john one ankle . [He]2813-john ’s looking up at [me]2813-john with adorable , shimmering eyes , and [he]2813-john ’s pouting . ‘ Humour [me]2813-john , [baby]2813-john . Please . ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john actually bats [his]2813-john long lashes at [me]2813-john . [I]2813-john try [my]2813-john hardest to restrain [my]2813-john smile , but when [he]2813-john ’s looking at [me]2813-john like this , it ’s just impossible . ‘ Can [you]2813-john at least turn around ? ’[2813-john] ‘ No , ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john jumps up and whips [his]2813-john towel off , [his]2813-john beauty hitting [me]2813-john like a sledgehammer . ‘ Does this make [you]2813-john feel better ? ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john holds [his]2813-john arms to the sides , and [I]2813-john ca n’t stop [my]2813-john appreciative gaze dragging down [his]2813-john solid loveliness . [I]2813-john sigh happily . ‘ No , that just distracts [me]2813-john . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john muse , continuing to drink [him]2813-john in , all of the way down before casually and slowly back up again — all of [him]2813-john . Every wondrous , magnificent , sickeningly perfect inch of [him]2813-john . [I]2813-john reach [his]2813-john face . [His]2813-john eyes have smoked out , and [I]2813-john know [mine]2813-john have , too . ‘ [You]2813-john wield that physique unfairly . ’[2813-john] ‘ Of course [I]2813-john do . It ’s one of [my]2813-john best assets . ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john reaches forward and yanks [my]2813-john towel off . ‘ It comes a close second to this one . ’[2813-john] [His]2813-john eyes leisurely skate down [my]2813-john nakedness , and [he]2813-john sighs to [himself]2813-john . ‘ Just perfect . ’[2813-john] ‘ [You]2813-john wo n’t say that when [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] fat and swollen . ’ [I]2813-john grumble , suddenly realising that [I]2813-john will , in fact , get fat and swollen . ‘[2813-john] And if [you]1060-you say there will be more of [me]2813-john to love , then [I]2813-john might divorce [you]1060-you . ’ [I]2813-john snatch the towel up and re - wrap [myself]2813-john , ignoring [his]2813-john obvious annoyance . ‘[2813-john] Do n’t say the word divorce . ’ [he]2813-john threatens , taking [my]2813-john hand and leading [me]2813-john to [the toilet]444-the toilet . ‘[2813-john] If it makes [you]1060-you feel better , [I]2813-john ’ll eat for two , too . ’ [He]2813-john ’s looking down at [me]2813-john with a smirk . ‘[2813-john] Promise [you]1060-you wo n’t leave [me]2813-john when [I]2813-john ’m unable to reach [your]1060-you cock with [my]2813-john mouth because [my]2813-john belly is in the way . ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john throws [his]2813-john head back on a laugh . ‘ [I]2813-john promise , [baby]2813-john . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m turned around and positioned in front of [the toilet]444-the toilet . ‘[2813-john] Now , let ’s pee on some sticks . ’ [I]2813-john hitch up [my]2813-john towel and reluctantly lower [myself]2813-john to [the toilet]444-the toilet , while [Jesse]306-jesse crouches in front of [me]2813-john . ‘[2813-john] Do [you]1060-you want to stick [your]1060-you hand in the loo again ? ’ [I]2813-john grin as [I]2813-john watch [his]2813-john lips twitch at the memory of [me]2813-john sitting on [his]2813-john arm in [the hospital]742-the hospital . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john could mark [you]1060-you officially . ’ [He]2813-john ’s trying [his]2813-john hardest , but failing miserably . [He]2813-john collapses onto [his]2813-john arse and laughs . It makes [me]536-ava feel so much better . While [[my]536-ava hysterical husband]3282-my hysterical husband rolls around on the floor , [I]536-ava hold the stick between [my]536-ava thighs and release [my]536-ava bladder . ‘[536-ava] [Ava]536-ava , [baby]536-ava , [I]2813-john love [you]536-ava so fucking much . ’ [He]536-ava pulls [himself]536-ava up and kneels again , resting [his]536-ava palms on [my]536-ava thighs , and leans up to kiss [me]536-ava hard on the lips … while [I]536-ava ’m[536-ava] peeing on a stick . ‘ There . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john pull [my]2813-john hand out and hand [him]536-ava the test , and [he]536-ava takes it , immediately giving [me]2813-john another . ‘ What ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ask , frowning at the new stick . ‘ [I]536-ava told [you]536-ava , sometimes [they]3283-they do n’t work . Quick . ’[536-ava] [He]536-ava thrusts it forward . [My]2813-john head rolls back in complete exasperation , but [I]2813-john take the stupid stick and repeat the same routine , only to finish and have another one shoved at [me]2813-john . ‘ [Jesse]306-jesse , come on ! ’[536-ava] ‘ One more . ’[536-ava] [He]536-ava removes the lid . ‘ For [God]306-jesse ’s sake . ’[536-ava] [I]2813-john snatch it on a scowl and shove it between [my]2813-john thighs . ‘ That ’s it ! ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john drain the rest of [my]2813-john bladder , making sure it ’s completely empty so [I]2813-john physically ca n’t pee on any more sticks . ‘ There . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john yank some tissue from the roll and sort [myself]2813-john out while [he]536-ava takes all three tests to the unit and places them neatly in a row . Despite [my]2813-john irritation , [I]2813-john ca n’t help smiling as [I]2813-john watch [him]536-ava standing there , naked and bent slightly , bracing [his]536-ava hands on [his]536-ava knees and getting [his]536-ava face up close and personal with the tests . ‘ Are [you]536-ava okay there ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ask , joining [him]536-ava and copying [his]536-ava position in front of [the unit]3279-the unit . ‘ [I]2813-john think [they]1062-i ’re[2813-john] broken . [We]1062-i should do some more . ’ [He]536-ava makes to shift , but [I]1062-i grab [his]536-ava arm . ‘[1062-i] It ’s been thirty seconds . ’ [I]1062-i laugh , ‘[1062-i] Here , wash [your]2765-my lord hands . ’ [I]1062-i take [his]536-ava hands and hold them under the tap while [he]536-ava keeps [his]536-ava eyes on the test , not paying a bit of attention to what [I]1062-i ’m[1062-i] doing . ‘ It ’s been longer than that . ’[536-ava] [he]536-ava scoffs . ‘ Much longer . ’[536-ava] ‘ No it has n’t . Stop being neurotic . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john resume knee brace in front of [the unit]3279-the unit , as does [he]536-ava . Glancing out the corner of [my]2813-john eye , [I]2813-john meet [his]536-ava sideway glance , [my]2813-john lips curving at the corner . [He]536-ava raises defensive eyebrows at [me]2813-john . ‘ [I]536-ava ’m[536-ava] not neurotic . ’ ‘[2765-my lord] Of course [you]2765-my lord ’re not . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john tease . ‘ Are [you]2765-my lord taking the piss out of [me]2765-my lord , [lady]2765-my lord ? ’[2765-my lord] ‘ Not at all , [[My]536-ava Lord]2765-my lord . ’[536-ava] The silence falls again , and [we]1064-we both remain motionless , braced and waiting — waiting for the confirmation of what [I]2813-john already know . And then some faint letters start to appear on the first test , and [I]2813-john find [myself]2813-john holding [my]2813-john breath . [I]2813-john do n’t know why . Perhaps it ’s because [I]2813-john ’m mimicking [[my]2813-john challenging man , who ’s suddenly gone rigid next to [me]2813-john]2765-my lord . Time seems to slow slightly as the letters form and [we]1064-we both stare in silence . [My]2813-john heart picks up pace as [my]2813-john eyes drift over to the next test and find the slow development of the same letters . [My]2813-john heart is now trying to break free from [my]2813-john chest and [our]1064-we heads inch to the left a little to watch as the very same letters appear on the third and final test . It ’s only now [I]2813-john realise that [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] still holding [my]2813-john breath , and [I]2813-john let it gush from [my]2813-john mouth as [I]2813-john sense [Jesse]306-jesse next to [me]2813-john twitching . [I]2813-john turn [my]2813-john face to [his]306-jesse , feeling completely overwhelmed with emotion . [His]306-jesse head turns , too , until [he]306-jesse ’s facing [me]2813-john . [We]1065-we ’re still bent over the unit , [we]1065-we ’re[1065-we] still both bracing [our]1065-we arms of [our]1065-we knees and [we]1065-we ’re both completely expressionless . ‘[128-daddy] Hi , [Daddy]128-daddy . ’ [I]128-daddy whisper , [my]128-daddy voice quivering slightly as [I]128-daddy watch [him]306-jesse scanning [my]128-daddy face . ‘[128-daddy] Fuck [me]2813-john , ’ [he]306-jesse whispers back . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ca n’t breathe . ’ [He]306-jesse collapses to the floor on [his]306-jesse back and stares up at the ceiling . Why the shocked reaction ? [He]306-jesse wanted this . [I]2813-john straighten [myself]2813-john out and roll [my]2813-john shoulder blades a little . [I]2813-john feel all stiff . ‘[2813-john] Are [you]128-daddy okay ? ’ [I]2813-john ask , looking down at [him]306-jesse . This was n’t what [I]2813-john expected , but then [his]306-jesse mouth starts twitching and [his]306-jesse greens land on [me]2813-john . [He]306-jesse jumps up and seizes [me]2813-john in [his]306-jesse arms , lifting [me]2813-john clean from [my]2813-john feet on a shocked squeal . ‘[2813-john] What ’s the matter with [you]128-daddy ? ’ [He]306-jesse paces quickly into [the bedroom]663-the bedroom and places [me]2813-john down way too gently on the bed , yanking [my]2813-john towel away before crawling up above [me]2813-john and settling [his]306-jesse body between [my]2813-john thighs and resting [his]306-jesse chin on [my]2813-john stomach . [He]306-jesse looks up at [me]2813-john with the most incredible amount of contentment in [his]306-jesse eyes . [They]3285-they are twinkling madly , [his]306-jesse damp hair is all over [the place]2776-the place and [his]306-jesse frown line and chewed lip are nowhere to be seen . How could [I]2813-john have ever doubted this when [he]306-jesse ’s looking so relaxed , like [I]2813-john ’ve just given [him]306-jesse life ? Well , [I]2813-john have , [I]2813-john suppose . Or [he]306-jesse has given life to [me]2813-john . Either or , [[my]2813-john husband]420-my husband is [one happy man]420-my husband , and now that [I]2813-john may have gotten [my]2813-john own head around this , [I]2813-john can see clearly — very , very clearly . [He]306-jesse has more than enough love to share . [This devastating man]306-jesse , [this ex - playboy]306-jesse , will be [an amazing daddy]306-jesse , if a little over - protective . [I]2813-john ’ve not just given [him]306-jesse life , a life revived and worthy , by giving [him]306-jesse [me]2813-john , [I]2813-john ’ve given [him]306-jesse new life , too — a part of [him]306-jesse and a part of [me]2813-john combined . And seeing [him]306-jesse so unbelievably euphoric has chased away every single doubt . [I]2813-john can have [a baby]2851-a baby with [this man]306-jesse . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john love [you]2813-john . ’ [he]306-jesse says quietly . ‘[2813-john] So much . ’ [I]2813-john smile . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john know . ’ [He]306-jesse presses [his]306-jesse lips to [my]2813-john stomach tenderly , and then strokes it softly . ‘[2813-john] And [I]2813-john love [you]2813-john , too . ’ [he]306-jesse whispers to [my]2813-john flat belly . [He]306-jesse circles [his]306-jesse nose around [my]2813-john bellybutton before [he]306-jesse works [his]306-jesse way up the bed and lays [himself]306-jesse all over [me]2813-john . [My]2813-john hair is brushed from [my]2813-john face and [he]306-jesse gazes down at [me]2813-john . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’ll try to be better . With [you]2813-john , [I]2813-john mean . [I]2813-john ’ll try not to smother [you]2813-john and make [you]2813-john crazy . ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john like [you]2813-john smothering [me]2813-john . It ’s the unreasonableness that [we]1066-we need to work on . ’ ‘[2813-john] Give [me]2813-john specifics . ’ [he]306-jesse prompts . ‘[2813-john] [You]2813-john want to know exactly what drives [me]2813-john crazy ? ’ ‘[2813-john] Yes , tell [me]2813-john . [I]2813-john ca n’t try to control it if [I]2813-john do n’t know exactly what bothers [you]2813-john . ’ [He]306-jesse drops a chaste kiss on [my]2813-john lips , and [I]2813-john struggle to prevent a laugh . [He]306-jesse does n’t know ? [We]1066-we could be [here]2799-here for the rest of the year , but [I]2813-john ’ll focus on [my]2813-john main grievance for now . ‘[2813-john] [You]2813-john treated [me]2813-john too gently . When [you]2813-john thought [I]2813-john was pregnant , [you]2813-john stopped being fierce in [the bedroom]663-the bedroom and [I]2813-john did n’t like it . [I]2813-john want [my]2813-john dominant [Jesse]306-jesse back . ’ [He]306-jesse pulls back and [his]306-jesse eyebrows shoot up . ‘[2813-john] What the hell have [I]2813-john done to [you]2813-john ? ’ ‘[2813-john] [You]2813-john ’re addictive , and lately [I]2813-john ’ve been having [Jesse]306-jesse withdrawal . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m frank and honest with [my]2813-john answer . [I]2813-john need to get this out because another eight - ish months with gentle [Jesse]306-jesse might send [me]2813-john crazy . [His]306-jesse frown line flickers straight across [his]306-jesse brow . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’ve taken [you]2813-john hard lately . ’ ‘[2813-john] Yes , but only when [you]2813-john thought [I]2813-john was n’t pregnant , and when [you]2813-john thought [I]2813-john was , [I]2813-john had to provoke [you]2813-john into it . [I]2813-john want shock and awe . ’ [His]306-jesse frown deepens further . ‘[2813-john] Do n’t [you]2813-john like sleepy sex ? ’ [I]2813-john sigh and reach up to grab [his]306-jesse cheeks . ‘[2813-john] [You]2813-john wo n’t hurt it , [you]2813-john know . ’ ‘[2813-john] It ? ’ [he]306-jesse laughs . ‘[2813-john] Let ’s get one thing straight , [lady]2813-john . [We]1068-we will not be calling [[my]2813-john baby]2851-a baby it . ’ ‘[1068-we] It ’s hardly [a baby]2851-a baby at the moment . ’ ‘[1068-we] What is it , then ? ’ ‘[1068-we] Well , it ’s probably more like a peanut . ’ [I]306-jesse watch as [his]306-jesse eyes sparkle delightedly and a cheeky grin spreads across that otherworldly face . ‘[306-jesse] Oh no , [Ward]306-jesse ! ’ [I]306-jesse laugh . ‘[306-jesse] What ? ’ [He]306-jesse leans down and rubs [his]306-jesse nose up [my]306-jesse cheek . ‘[306-jesse] It ’s perfect . ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john am not referring to [[our]1068-we baby]2851-a baby as peanut ! End of ! ’ [I]2813-john yelp as [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] grabbed on [my]2813-john sensitive hipbone , and [I]2813-john start bucking under [him]2851-a baby , somewhere between delight and torture — the torture for obvious reasons and the delight because this is normal . This is [us]1068-we . ‘ Stop ! ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john cry . And [he]2851-a baby does . ‘ Shit ! ’[2851-a baby] [he]2851-a baby curses . ‘ What are [you]2813-john doing ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john shout angrily . [He]2851-a baby looks down at [my]2813-john stomach and then back up at [me]2813-john , [his]2851-a baby shamed expression telling [me]2813-john [he]2851-a baby knows exactly what [he]2851-a baby ’s just done . ‘ See , ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john hit [him]2851-a baby with critical eyes . ‘ That is what [I]2813-john mean ! If [you]2813-john do n’t reinstate some of [your]2813-john normal behaviour soon , then [I]2813-john ’ll be moving to [[my]2813-john mum]2774-kate and [dad]264-matt ’s for the rest of this pregnancy . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m not even being dramatic . [I]2813-john absolutely will . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john mean it , [Ward]306-jesse . All of the fierceness , the rough , the countdowns and fuckings of various degrees , [I]2813-john want [them]1070-them back , and [I]2813-john want [them]1070-them now . ’ [He]2851-a baby ’s just looking at [[his]2851-a baby wife]79-irene like [she]79-irene ’s a complete nutcase . [I]2813-john think [she]79-irene is . ‘[2813-john] Calmed down yet ? ’ [he]2851-a baby asks seriously . ‘[2813-john] That depends on whether any of this is sinking in to this thick skull of [yours]1071-yours . ’ [I]2813-john reach for [his]2851-a baby hair and yank it . ‘[2813-john] Ouch ! ’ [He]2851-a baby laughs a little and then sighs , rolling over onto [his]2851-a baby back and taking [me]2813-john with [him]2851-a baby . [His]2851-a baby knees come up to support [my]2813-john back , and [he]2851-a baby studies [me]2813-john thoughtfully . [I]2813-john let [him]2851-a baby . [I]2813-john sit and wait for [him]2851-a baby to piece together what [he]2851-a baby wants to say until [he]2851-a baby inhales deeply . ‘[2813-john] Do [you]1072-you remember when [I]2813-john found [you]1072-you at [the bar]2773-the bar , when [I]2813-john showed [you]1072-you how to dance ? ’ [I]2813-john smile as [I]2813-john relax against [his]2851-a baby thighs behind [me]2813-john . ‘[2813-john] That was the night that [I]2813-john realised [I]2813-john ’d fallen in love with [you]1072-you . ’ [I]2813-john confess . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john know because [you]1072-you told [me]2813-john . [You]1072-you were drunk , but [you]1072-you still said it . ’ ‘[1072-you] Hmm . Must have been the dancing . ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john know . ’ [His]2851-a baby shoulders jump up casually . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m good . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john shake [my]2813-john head at [his]2813-john impertinence . ‘ [You]1072-you ’re[2813-john] arrogant . ’ [I]2813-john ’ve grown to love that about [him]2813-john , too . [His]2813-john confidence is actually a huge turn - on , especially now that [he]2813-john ’s just [mine]2813-john . And [he]2813-john has every right to be self - assured . ‘[2813-john] It would seem that [I]2813-john ’m a little brighter than [[my]2813-john beautiful wife]3293-my beautiful wife . ’[2813-john] [he]2813-john says , wrapping [his]2813-john palms around [my]2813-john ankles . ‘ [You]1072-you ’re[2813-john] really arrogant . ’ ‘[2813-john] No , not this time . This time [I]2813-john ’m just honest . [You]1072-you see , [I]2813-john realised that [I]2813-john was in love with [you]1072-you before then . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john pout . ‘ Does that make [you]1072-you cleverer than [me]2813-john ? ’[2813-john] ‘ Yes , it does . The whole time [you]1072-you were running , [I]2813-john was so frustrated . [I]2813-john was thinking there must ’ve been something wrong with [you]1072-you . ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john smiles shyly . ‘ [You]1072-you know , because [you]1072-you would n’t submit to [me]2813-john . ’[2813-john] ‘ Like [the others]3294-the others did . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john confirm [his]2813-john point . [I]2813-john imagine rejection was very frustrating for [a man who always took what [he]1074-a man who always took what he wanted with complete ease wanted with complete ease]1074-a man who always took what he wanted with complete ease . [He]1074-a man who always took what he wanted with complete ease nods , and [I]2813-john sigh . ‘ It was only because [I]1074-a man who always took what he wanted with complete ease knew [I]1074-a man who always took what he wanted with complete ease ’d get hurt . Even though [I]1074-a man who always took what he wanted with complete ease did n’t know [you]1074-a man who always took what he wanted with complete ease , it was obvious [you]1074-a man who always took what he wanted with complete ease … ’[1074-a man who always took what he wanted with complete ease] [I]2813-john pause briefly . ‘ were experienced . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john was going to say [a womaniser]1075-a womaniser , but [I]2813-john do n’t think [Jesse]306-jesse could be labelled that at all . [Women]253-women threw [themselves]253-women at [his]306-jesse feet , made it easy for [him]306-jesse , so [he]306-jesse did n’t need to resort to chasing . Until [he]306-jesse met [me]2813-john . [His]306-jesse fingertips start tracing up [my]2813-john shins , and [he]306-jesse watches [their]253-women path . ‘ When [I]306-jesse left [you]1078-you for those four days … ’[306-jesse] ‘ Do n’t ! ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john blurt . ‘ Please do n’t talk about that . ’[2813-john] ‘ Just let [me]306-jesse explain something . It ’s important . ’[306-jesse] [He]306-jesse reaches up and pulls [me]2813-john down so [we]1077-we ’re nose to nose . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john was so confused by what [I]2813-john was feeling . It took that time away from [you]1078-you to piece together exactly what it was . [I]2813-john could n’t work out why [I]2813-john was behaving like [a madman]2915-a madman . [I]2813-john really did think [I]2813-john was going fucking crazy , [Ava]536-ava . ’ [I]536-ava absolutely do not relish these reminders . [I]536-ava do n’t know where this is leading to , but [I]536-ava already know that [he]306-jesse left [me]536-ava because [he]306-jesse knew [he]306-jesse was in trouble , because [he]306-jesse did n’t want to hurt [me]536-ava . [I]536-ava do n’t need to hear it all again . [He]306-jesse has a little nibble of [his]306-jesse lip , right under [my]536-ava nose , and then presses on . ‘[536-ava] [I]2813-john spent day three and four reliving every single moment with [you]1080-you . [I]2813-john replayed them repeatedly until [I]2813-john was torturing [myself]2813-john , so [I]2813-john came to find [you]1080-you . Then [you]1080-you fucking ran again . ’ Of course [I]536-ava ran again . [My]536-ava instincts did n’t fail [me]536-ava . Even if [I]536-ava was n’t wholly sure of why [I]536-ava should be running , [I]536-ava knew [I]536-ava had to . ‘[536-ava] [Ava]536-ava , the night when [you]1080-you told [me]2813-john that [you]1080-you love [me]2813-john , everything became so fucking clear , but at the same time it was a massive blur . [I]2813-john wanted [you]1080-you to love [me]2813-john , but [I]2813-john knew [you]1080-you did n’t really know [me]2813-john . [I]2813-john knew there was stuff that would make [you]1080-you run again , but [I]2813-john also knew that [I]2813-john belonged to [you]1080-you , and it scared [me]2813-john to fucking death to think that once [you]1080-you started unravelling it all , [you]1080-you ’d be off again . [I]2813-john could n’t risk it , not after it took [me]2813-john so long to find [you]1080-you . ’ [His]1081-his eyes close and [he]1081-his takes a further deep breath of confidence . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john took [your]1080-you pills that night . ’ [I]1081-his ’m[1081-his] not even shocked . [He]1081-his ’s confessed , not only to stealing them , but why [he]1081-his did . It makes sense to [him]1081-his in [his]1081-his crazy world , and worryingly , it kind of does to [me]2813-john . [His]1081-his lips press to [mine]2813-john softly . ‘ [I]1081-his sat there all night and watched [you]1080-you sleeping , and all [I]1081-his thought about was every reason for [you]1080-you not to want [me]1081-his . [I]1081-his knew it was wrong to take them , but [I]1081-his saw it as collateral . That ’s how desperate [I]1081-his was . ’[1081-his] [I]2813-john relax into [him]1081-his , [my]2813-john face falling into [his]1081-his neck . ‘ So [you]1080-you do n’t want [a baby]306-jesse ? [You]1080-you just want to keep [me]1081-his ? ’[1081-his] [He]1081-his pulls [me]2813-john out of [his]1081-his neck and hits [me]2813-john with [his]1081-his smile , reserved only for [me]2813-john . ‘ [I]1081-his want everything in [the world]2908-the world with [you]1080-you , [baby]306-jesse , and [I]1081-his want it all yesterday . ’[1081-his] Deep down , [I]2813-john think [I]2813-john knew that , too . ‘ Thank [you]1080-you for [my]1081-his watch . ’[1081-his] [He]1081-his smiles and reaches up to drag [his]1081-his finger across [my]2813-john bottom lip . ‘ [You]1080-you ’re[1081-his] more than welcome . ’ [I]1082-i fall to [his]1081-his lips and lose [myself]1082-i in [him]1081-his . It ’s slow , it ’s soft , it ’s exquisite . It ’s just how it ’s supposed to be in this moment . Chapter 14 The familiar sound of whirring and banging wakes [me]1082-i , and knowing where to find [him]1081-his , [I]1082-i take [myself]1082-i down to [the gym]3297-the gym . [I]1082-i stand on the other side of the glass door and watch [his]1081-his sweat drenched back flexing and rippling as [he]1081-his pounds the treadmill while watching the sports news on the suspended television . Opening the door quietly , [I]1082-i wander in and take [myself]1082-i around the front of the machine , sitting [my]1082-i naked arse on the weights bench in front of [him]1081-his . [He]1081-his ’s running very fast , and when [I]1082-i lean back on [my]1082-i arms , [he]1081-his slams [his]1081-his fist on the slow button , and starts a steady pace down until [he]1081-his ’s stopped completely . [My]1082-i sleepy eyes are beside [themselves]3298-themselves , watching as [he]1081-his grabs a towel and runs it through [his]1081-his hair and over [his]1081-his face . [He]1082-i ’s a mass of pure , solid , shimmering sweatiness . [I]1082-i could eat [him]1082-i . [I]1082-i ’m[1082-i] being watched very closely as [he]1082-i bends forward and rests [his]1082-i forearms on the front of the machine . ‘ Morning . ’[1082-i] [His]1082-i eyes run down [my]2813-john front and all the way back up again until [he]1082-i ’s back at [my]2813-john eyes . ‘ Morning [yourself]1082-i . Why are [you]1082-i running in [here]2799-here ? ’[1082-i] [I]2813-john already know the answer to that question , and if [I]2813-john ’m going by the tiny , barely noticeable grin on [his]1082-i face , [he]1082-i knows [I]2813-john know the answer to that question , too . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john fancied a change . ’ [I]2813-john throw [him]1082-i a questioning look , but do n’t bother challenging [him]1082-i on it . If pregnancy stops [him]1082-i from dragging [me]2813-john out of bed at sunbreak for a trek around [London]3-london , then [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] looking more forward to the next eight months . ‘ [I]2813-john do n’t remember falling asleep . ’[2813-john] ‘ [You]1082-i went out like a light . [I]306-jesse was happy to have [you]1082-i tucked into [my]306-jesse side , so [I]306-jesse let [you]1082-i be . [You]1082-i ’re[306-jesse] sleeping for [England]20-england , [baby]306-jesse . ’ At that comment , [I]306-jesse yawn and stretch [my]306-jesse arms over [my]306-jesse head . ‘[306-jesse] What time is it ? ’ Just as the words leave [my]306-jesse lips , [I]306-jesse hear the front door open and shut , and then the cheerful calling of [Cathy]1284-cathy . If [Cathy]1284-cathy ’s here , then it ’s got to be eight o’clock - ish , and [I]306-jesse ’m[306-jesse] stark bollock naked ! [I]2813-john jump up . ‘ [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] naked ! ’ [He]2813-john smirks and steps down from [the treadmill]3300-the treadmill . ‘[1084-you] So [you]1084-you are . ’ [he]2813-john laughs , walking over to [me]1084-you . ‘[1084-you] Whatever will [Cathy]1284-cathy think ? ’ [I]1284-cathy do a quick scan of [the gym]3297-the gym , looking for a towel or anything to conceal [my]1284-cathy naked form so [I]1284-cathy can escape [upstairs]2927-upstairs with [my]1284-cathy dignity still intact . [I]1284-cathy laugh to [myself]1284-cathy . [I]1284-cathy lost [my]1284-cathy dignity the morning [Cathy]1284-cathy walked in on [us]3303-us both naked . [My]1284-cathy eyes land on the towel in [Jesse]306-jesse ’s hand , and [I]1284-cathy quickly snatch it from [his]306-jesse grasp to flap it out . ‘[1284-cathy] [I]2813-john do n’t think that ’ll quite cover it . ’ [he]306-jesse muses smugly . [He]306-jesse ’s right . It ’s little more than a face cloth . ‘[1284-cathy] Help [me]2813-john . ’ [I]1284-cathy lift pleading eyes to [him]306-jesse and find a soft smile . ‘[1284-cathy] Come here . ’ [He]306-jesse opens [his]306-jesse arms , and [I]1284-cathy walk right into [them]3304-them , lifting [myself]1284-cathy up in [my]1284-cathy usual chimp - ish manner . [His]306-jesse damp skin is slippery and smells delicious . Walking to the gym door , [he]306-jesse opens it and sticks [his]306-jesse head out . ‘[1284-cathy] [Cathy]1284-cathy ? ’ [he]306-jesse calls . ‘[1026-boy] Yes , [boy]1026-boy ? ’ ‘[1026-boy] Where are [you]1026-boy ? ’ ‘[1026-boy] In [the kitchen]3044-the kitchen . ’ With that confirmation , [he]306-jesse slips out and takes [the stairs]3122-the stairs quickly . [I]1026-boy watch over [his]306-jesse shoulder as [we]3306-we rise , praying that [Cathy]1284-cathy does n’t come to investigate [his]306-jesse questioning . [She]1284-cathy does n’t . [I]1026-boy make it to the safety of [the master - suite]3268-the master - suite with [my]1026-boy dignity still whole . ‘[1026-boy] There . ’ [he]306-jesse places [me]1026-boy on [my]1026-boy feet and drops a kiss on [my]1026-boy forehead . ‘[1026-boy] What time is it ? ’ ‘[1026-boy] Ten to eight . ’ [I]1026-boy roll [my]1026-boy eyes and point an accusing glare at [him]306-jesse . ‘[1026-boy] Why did n’t [you]1026-boy wake [me]2813-john ? ’ [I]1026-boy walk off to [the bathroom]2800-the bathroom . ‘[1026-boy] [You]1026-boy needed to sleep . ’ ‘[1026-boy] Not for fifteen hours . ’ [I]1026-boy flip the shower on and step straight into the water , not bothering to wait for it to warm . [I]1026-boy need waking up . [I]1026-boy make quick work of wetting [my]1026-boy hair and slapping some shampoo in [my]1026-boy palms . [He]306-jesse ’s standing on the other side of the glass removing [his]306-jesse running shoes . ‘[1026-boy] [You]1026-boy obviously do need it . ’ [he]306-jesse mumbles . [I]1026-boy rinse [my]1026-boy hair , condition , and then slip past [him]306-jesse , ignoring more grumbles as [he]306-jesse steps in . It takes [me]1026-boy tens minute flat to dry [my]1026-boy hair , apply [my]1026-boy make - up and get dressed , and [I]1026-boy ’m[1026-boy] on [my]2813-john way [downstairs]316-downstairs before [Jesse]306-jesse . ‘ Morning , [Cathy]1284-cathy , ’[1026-boy] [I]2813-john take [my]2813-john phone off the charger and slip it in [my]2813-john bag . ‘ [Ava]536-ava , [you]536-ava look a little brighter . ’[2813-john] [Cathy]1284-cathy dries [her]1284-cathy hands on the front of [her]1284-cathy apron and does a little assessment of [me]2813-john . ‘ Yes , much brighter . ’[2813-john] ‘ [I]2813-john feel it , ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john laugh . ‘ What would [you]536-ava like for breakfast ? ’[2813-john] ‘ Oh , [I]1284-cathy ’m[1284-cathy] late , [Cathy]1284-cathy . [I]2813-john ’ll grab something at work . ’ [I]2813-john throw [my]2813-john bag over [my]2813-john shoulder . ‘[2813-john] [You]1284-cathy ’ll eat ! ’ [Jesse]306-jesse ’s stern , take no shit voice hits [me]1284-cathy from behind , and [I]1284-cathy turn to find a scowl fixed to [his]306-jesse face as [he]306-jesse fastens [his]306-jesse tie . ‘[1284-cathy] [She]1284-cathy ’ll have a bagel , [Cathy]1284-cathy . ’ [His]306-jesse suit - clad perfection reaches [me]1284-cathy and lifts [me]1284-cathy to a stool . ‘[1284-cathy] With eggs . ’ [He]306-jesse seems to consider something for a second . ‘[1284-cathy] Actually , no eggs . ’ [My]1284-cathy eyes widen , and [I]1284-cathy quickly remove [myself]1284-cathy from the barstool , looking across at [[Jesse]306-jesse ’s confused housekeeper]3309-jesse ’s confused housekeeper . ‘[1284-cathy] [Cathy]1284-cathy , thank [you]1284-cathy , but [I]2813-john ’ll eat at work . ’ [I]1284-cathy walk out of [the kitchen]3044-the kitchen , leaving [Jesse]306-jesse with [his]306-jesse jaw slightly gaping . ‘[1284-cathy] Hey ! ’ [His]306-jesse shocked voice reaches [me]1284-cathy as [I]1284-cathy slam the penthouse door behind [me]1284-cathy . No run . [I]1284-cathy will eat . No eggs . [My]1284-cathy contentment was short lived . [I]1284-cathy stab at the elevator keypad , but it does n’t open , so [I]1284-cathy re - stab , getting [myself]1284-cathy more and more worked up . ‘[1284-cathy] No eggs ? ’ [I]1284-cathy yell at the row of numbers when the door still does n’t shift . ‘[1284-cathy] [You]1284-cathy okay ? ’ [I]2813-john swing around and find [[my]2813-john neurotic control freak]3311-my neurotic control freak with [his]306-jesse hands draped loosely in [his]306-jesse trouser pockets , watching [me]2813-john lose [my]2813-john temper with the innocent keypad . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john can eat eggs ! ’ [I]2813-john yell at [him]1088-him . ‘[2813-john] What ’s the new code ? ’ ‘[2813-john] Excuse [me]2813-john ? ’ ‘[1284-cathy] [You]1284-cathy heard . ’ [I]1284-cathy bash the pad with the side of [my]1284-cathy fist . ‘[1284-cathy] Yes , [I]2813-john heard . But [I]2813-john ’m giving [you]1284-cathy a chance to retract that tone . ’[1088-him] [He]1088-him ’s completely straight faced and unaffected by [my]2813-john little outburst , while [my]2813-john eyes have just bulged at [his]1088-him insolence . Giving [me]2813-john a chance to retract it ? [I]2813-john walk up to [him]1088-him , calm and composed , and reach up on [my]2813-john tiptoes so [I]2813-john ’m as near as possible to [his]1088-him nauseatingly splendid face — the one [I]2813-john want to smash in at this particular moment in time . ‘[2813-john] Fuck … off . ’ [I]2813-john breathe on [him]1088-him before stomping off towards [the stairwell]3312-the stairwell , praying [he]1088-him has n’t took the initiative to change the code on this door yet . [He]1088-him has n’t . [I]2813-john smile smugly as [I]2813-john push [my]2813-john way through . [Thirteen floors]3313-thirteen floors is going to kill [me]2813-john , but [I]2813-john start tackling [them]3313-thirteen floors anyway , thanking the stair [God]306-jesse ’s that [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] going down them and not up . By floor seven , [I]2813-john ’ve removed [my]2813-john heels and by floor four , [I]2813-john have to stop and take a breather . [I]2813-john ’m hot , sweaty and [I]1089-fucking man feel sick . ‘[1089-fucking man] [Fucking man]1089-fucking man . ’ [I]1089-fucking man grumble , taking a deep breath and carrying on [my]1089-fucking man way . [I]1089-fucking man push [my]1089-fucking man way through the fire door and walk straight into that chest , before being pushed back into [the stairwell]3001-the foyer . [I]1089-fucking man do n’t even try to battle free from [his]306-jesse grasp . [I]1089-fucking man ’m[1089-fucking man] absolutely beat . [I]2813-john ’m lifted from [my]2813-john feet and held in place against the concrete wall . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] damp with sweat and panting heavy , exhausted breaths in [his]1089-fucking man face after pounding [the stairs]3122-the stairs down to [the foyer]3001-the foyer , while [Jesse]306-jesse is breathing steady , calm streams of air after taking [the luxurious elevators from [the top of [Lusso]95-lusso]1093-the top of lusso]1092-the luxurious elevators from the top of lusso . ‘ [You]1094-you ’re[306-jesse] not getting an apology fuck . ’ [I]2813-john practically wheeze all over [him]306-jesse . Even through [my]2813-john slightly sick feeling , [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] struggling to fight off [his]306-jesse potency . [I]2813-john ’m not yielding to this . It ’s no eggs today , but it ’ll be something more extreme tomorrow . [His]306-jesse lips form a straight line and [his]306-jesse greens eyes narrow . ‘[2813-john] Mouth ! ’ ‘[2813-john] No ! [You]1094-you are not … ’ That ’s as far as [I]1095-stubborn woman get before [his]306-jesse mouth hits [mine]1095-stubborn woman , attacking [me]1095-stubborn woman full force . [I]1095-stubborn woman know exactly what [he]306-jesse ’s doing , but that does n’t stop [my]1095-stubborn woman bag from dropping to the ground and [my]1095-stubborn woman hands from grappling at [his]306-jesse suit covered back . [My]1095-stubborn woman legs lift and curl around [his]306-jesse waist . This is the Jesse [I]1095-stubborn woman know and love . [I]1095-stubborn woman could n’t be happier . [I]1095-stubborn woman moan , [I]1095-stubborn woman yank at [his]306-jesse jacket , [I]1095-stubborn woman pull [his]306-jesse hair and bite at [his]306-jesse lip . ‘[1095-stubborn woman] [Stubborn woman]1095-stubborn woman . ’ [he]306-jesse works up to [my]443-someone ear and bites down , clinking [my]443-someone earing with [his]306-jesse teeth . ‘[443-someone] [Someone]443-someone ’s gagging for it . ’ [He]306-jesse kisses the sensitive void under [my]443-someone lobe , and [I]443-someone shudder from top to toe . ‘[443-someone] Shall [I]2813-john make [you]1097-you scream in [the stairwell]3312-the stairwell , [Ava]536-ava ? ’ Oh good Lord , [I]536-ava want [him]306-jesse to fuck [me]536-ava in [the stairwell]3312-the stairwell . ‘[536-ava] Yes , ’ [He]306-jesse pulls away , unhooks [my]2813-john legs and lets [me]2813-john slide down the wall to [my]2813-john feet , and then [he]306-jesse rearranges [his]306-jesse groin area while observing [my]2813-john shocked face under hooded eyes . ‘[2813-john] Would love to , but [I]2813-john ’m late . ’[2813-john] ‘ [[You]2813-john bastard]2813-john . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john spit , trying desperately to compose [myself]2813-john . It ’s no good . Why bother pretending to be unaffected ? It ’ll never work . [I]2813-john stoop and grab [my]2813-john bag before pushing the door open and clinking on [my]2813-john frustrated heels through [the foyer]3001-the foyer . ‘ Good Morning , [Ava]536-ava . ’[90-clive] [Clive]90-clive ’s fresh , happy tone irritates [me]2813-john . [I]2813-john just about manage a low grunt as [I]2813-john pass , walking out into the sunshine and putting [my]2813-john sunglasses on , immediately loving the fact that [my]2813-john present is n’t here , but [my]2813-john Mini is . [He]1100-he ’ll have to let [me]2813-john out , and [he]1100-he ’d better . [I]2813-john jump in and start [her]1101-her up , and there ’s an immediate tap on [my]2813-john window . ‘ Yes ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ask as the glass pane lowers . ‘ [I]2813-john ’ll take [you]2813-john to work . ’[2813-john] It ’s that tone , but [I]2813-john could n’t give a toss . [I]2813-john do the window back up . ‘ No , thank [you]2813-john . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john reverse out of the space , taking care not to run [his]1100-he feet over , before pulling [my]2813-john phone from [my]2813-john bag and dialling [Lusso]95-lusso . ‘ Morning , [Clive]90-clive . ’[2813-john] [My]2813-john greeting is a million miles away from the grunt that [I]2813-john ’ve just given [the old boy]1102-the old boy . ‘ [Ava]536-ava ? ’[2813-john] ‘ Yes , sorry to be a pain . Could [you]1102-the old boy open the gates ? ’[2813-john] ‘ Of course . [I]2813-john ’ll do it now . ’[2813-john] ‘ Thank [you]1102-the old boy , [Clive]90-clive . ’[2813-john] A smug , private smile breaks the corners of [my]2813-john lips , and [I]2813-john chuck [my]2813-john phone on [the passenger]1103-the passenger ’s seat as the gates start to open . [I]2813-john do n’t hang around . [I]2813-john drive straight out of [the car park]711-the car park , catching [Jesse]306-jesse ’s arms waving around above [his]306-jesse head before [he]306-jesse stalks back into [the foyer]3001-the foyer . * * * After driving up and down [the car park]711-the car park forever , looking for a space , [I]2813-john finally fall through the office doors a whole half an hour late . [I]2813-john ’m still slightly sweaty , [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] even more out of breath and [my]2813-john frustration is obvious , especially when [I]2813-john throw [my]2813-john bag across [my]2813-john desk and it takes [my]2813-john pen pot with it , the loud clatter attracting the attention of [[my]2813-john work colleagues]1106-my work colleagues , who all poke [their]1106-my work colleagues heads out of [the kitchen]3044-the kitchen to see what the commotion is all about . ‘ Feeling better ? ’[84-tom] [Tom]84-tom asks , [his]84-tom inquisitive gaze running the length of [my]2813-john clammy form . ‘ Yes ! ’[84-tom] [I]2813-john bark , wrenching [my]2813-john bag to the floor and collapsing into [my]2813-john chair . [I]2813-john take a few calming breaths and turn [my]2813-john swivel chair towards [the kitchen]3044-the kitchen , finding three sets of raised eyebrows . ‘ What ? ’[2813-john] ‘ [You]60-sarah look terrible , ’[85-victoria] [Victoria]85-victoria pipes up . ‘ Maybe [you]60-sarah should ’ve stayed off work . ’[85-victoria] ‘ [I]60-sarah can pick [you]60-sarah a Starbucks up , ’[60-sarah] [Sally]60-sarah offers sweetly . [I]2813-john soften [my]2813-john scowling face at the expressions all pointed at [me]2813-john , which have now turned from curious to concerned . [I]2813-john forgot that [I]2813-john was supposedly ill yesterday . ‘ Thanks , [Sal]60-sarah . That would be lovely . ’[60-sarah] [She]60-sarah walks over to [her]60-sarah desk and pulls some money from the petty cash tin . ‘ [Anyone else]3314-anyone else ? ’[60-sarah] [Tom]84-tom and [Victoria]85-victoria both shout [their]1108-their orders at [Sal]60-sarah , who barely holds back to hear [them]1108-their before leaving [office]1109-office promptly , probably to escape [my]2813-john obvious foul mood . [I]2813-john turn [my]2813-john computer on and load up [my]2813-john email account . [Tom]84-tom and [Victoria]85-victoria are standing at the end of [my]2813-john desk in a blink of an eye . ‘ [You]84-tom look pasty . ’[84-tom] [Tom]84-tom observes , twirling a pen in [his]84-tom fingers , [his]84-tom turquoise shirt and yellow tie playing havoc with [my]2813-john tired eyes . ‘ Really pale , [Ava]536-ava . Are [you]536-ava sure [you]536-ava ’re[84-tom] okay ? ’ [Victoria]85-victoria sounds and looks more concerned than [Tom]84-tom , who just looks damn right suspicious . [I]2813-john start flicking through [my]2813-john email , highlighting and deleting the mass of junk and promotional rubbish . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m fine . Where ’s [Patrick]374-patrick ? ’[2813-john] It ’s only now , when [I]2813-john ’ve calmed slightly , that [I]2813-john ’ve noticed [[my]2813-john boss]374-patrick has n’t come to investigate the noise . ‘ Personal meetings . ’[1111-they] [they]1111-they chant in unison , and [I]2813-john look up on a frown . ‘ Was n’t [he]374-patrick in private meetings yesterday ? ’[1111-they] ‘ [He]374-patrick ’ll be in tomorrow . ’[84-tom] [Tom]84-tom tells [me]2813-john . ‘ Do [you]84-tom think [he]374-patrick ’s finally divorcing [Irene]79-irene ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john actually laugh . ‘ No ! ’[1112-she] [She]1112-she might drive [Patrick]374-patrick around the twist , but [he]374-patrick loves [her]1112-she dearly . ‘ Ooh , [I]374-patrick did n’t think of that . ’[374-patrick] [Victoria]85-victoria ’s blue eyes are wide . ‘ Did [you]84-tom see that thing [she]1112-she had on at [your]84-tom wedding ? ’[85-victoria] ‘ Yes ! ’[84-tom] [Tom]84-tom shrieks . ‘ A crime ! ’[85-victoria] [Victoria]85-victoria laughs as [she]1112-she walks back to [her]1112-she desk , and [I]2813-john look back at [Tom]84-tom . [He]84-tom is in no position to pass judgment on other peoples fashion sense . ‘ What ? ’[84-tom] [he]84-tom asks , running [his]84-tom eyes down [his]84-tom own garish torso . ‘ Fabulous , is n’t it ? ’[84-tom] ‘ Stunning . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john laugh , turning [my]2813-john attention back to [my]2813-john computer , leaving [Tom]84-tom dancing [his]84-tom way back to [his]84-tom side of [the office]3076-the office . [The office]3076-the office door opens and a woman with a basket draped over [her]1112-she arm walks in . ‘ [Ava Ward]536-ava ? ’[1112-she] [She]1112-she looks at [Tom]84-tom , and then follows [his]84-tom pointed pen over to [me]2813-john . ‘ Hi , ’[1112-she] [I]2813-john say as [she]1112-she makes it to [my]2813-john desk and rests [her]1112-she hamper on the edge . ‘ Can [I]1112-she help [you]1112-she ? ’[1112-she] [I]2813-john do n’t recognise [her]1112-she . [She]1112-she pulls the gingham towel from the top of the carrier and [my]2813-john eyes naturally follow [her]1112-she hand into it . ‘ Breakfast , ’[1112-she] [She]1112-she smiles , placing a paper bag in front of [me]2813-john , and then reaches back in , pulling out a takeaway coffee cup . ‘ [My]1112-she coffee was n’t good enough , so [he]1112-she had [me]1112-she pick one up from [Starbucks]19-starbucks . [Cappuccino]130-cappuccino , extra shot , no chocolate or sugar . ’[1112-she] [She]1112-she does n’t sound impressed . ‘ Enjoy . ’[1112-she] And with that [she]1112-she turns and walks out . [I]2813-john sigh and push the bag to the side . [I]2813-john ’m not in the least bit hungry , but [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] dying for some coffee . [I]2813-john take a sip and immediately screw [my]2813-john face up at the bitter taste . ‘ Ewww , ’[2813-john] ‘ All right ? ’[84-tom] [Tom]84-tom frowns across [the office]3076-the office at [me]2813-john . ‘ Fine , ’[84-tom] [I]2813-john stand and take [myself]2813-john into [the kitchen]3044-the kitchen , removing the lid from [my]2813-john coffee and tipping sugar into the cup before giving it a good stir and taking another sip . [I]2813-john hum in sweet satisfaction . ‘ Coffee for [Ava]536-ava ! ’[2813-john] [Sally]60-sarah walks into [the kitchen]3044-the kitchen , waving a Starbucks cup at [me]2813-john . ‘ Oh ? ’[60-sarah] A look of complete confusion invades [her]1112-she face as [she]1112-she watches [me]2813-john gulping down the hot , sweet liquid . [I]2813-john exhale happily . ‘ Delivered , courtesy of [[my]1112-she husband]420-my husband . ’[1112-she] [She]1112-she melts . ‘ That ’s so sweet . ’[1112-she] ‘ No , it was n’t , actually . But [I]2813-john added a few [myself]2813-john . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john walk past a puzzled looking [Sal]60-sarah , back to [my]2813-john desk and dig through [my]2813-john bag when [I]2813-john hear [my]2813-john phone shout the arrival of a text . Are [you]1116-you eating [your]1116-you breakfast ? [I]2813-john take another swig of [my]2813-john coffee and text back ; [Yummy]131-yummy . No thank [you]1116-you because [I]2813-john ’m really not very grateful . [I]2813-john feel queasy , but the sweet coffee is going down a treat . [I]2813-john do n’t get a chance to put [my]2813-john phone down before it chimes again . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] so glad [our]1117-our marriage is based on honesty . [My]2813-john eyes instinctively lift and there [he]1118-he is , holding a bunch of calla lilies and with an annoyed glare drilling into [me]2813-john . [I]2813-john ca n’t prevent the long , drawn out exhale of air that rushes from [my]2813-john mouth as [I]2813-john lower [myself]2813-john to [my]2813-john chair . [He]1118-he strides over , giving [Tom]84-tom and [Victoria]85-victoria a nod in greeting before sinking [his]1118-he tall , leanness into a chair on the other side of [my]2813-john desk , placing the flowers in front of [me]2813-john . ‘ Eat . ’[1118-he] [he]1118-he orders flatly , nodding at the paper bag that ’s been shoved to the side . ‘ [I]306-jesse ’m[306-jesse] not hungry , [Jesse]306-jesse . ’ [I]306-jesse ’m[306-jesse] whining , but [I]2813-john ca n’t muster up the energy to retaliate or snap at [him]1118-he . [He]1118-he leans forward , looking worried , [his]1118-he eyes evaluating [my]2813-john face . ‘ [Baby]88-baby , [you]88-baby look pale . ’[1118-he] ‘ [I]2813-john feel rubbish . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john admit . Finally morning sickness at the correct time of day . There is no point in feigning fine because [I]2813-john absolutely do n’t feel it and [I]2813-john clearly do n’t look it . [He]1118-he rises and comes to stand behind [my]2813-john chair , leaning down and placing [his]1118-he palm across [my]2813-john brow and [his]1118-he mouth to [my]2813-john ear . ‘ [You]88-baby ’re[1118-he] hot . ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john know . ’ [I]2813-john sigh , pushing [my]2813-john cheek to [his]1118-he mouth , [my]2813-john eyes closing with no instruction from [my]2813-john brain . How can [I]2813-john feel so exhausted still ? ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john hope [you]1119-you feel guilty . ’ [I]2813-john say quietly . This is all [his]1118-he fault . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] feeling sorry for [myself]2813-john . [I]2813-john ’m released and [my]2813-john chair swivelled around to face [him]1118-he . [He]1118-he crouches in front of [me]2813-john and takes [my]2813-john hands . ‘[2813-john] Let [me]2813-john take [you]1119-you [home]2904-home . ’ [he]1118-he says , but [I]2813-john can tell by [his]1118-he pleading face that [he]1118-he knows [I]2813-john ’ll refuse . ‘[2813-john] It ’ll pass . ’ ‘[1119-you] [You]1119-you ’re impossible sometimes . ’[1119-you] [He]1119-you reaches up to cup [my]2813-john cheek . ‘ [Pregnancy]132-pregnancy is making [you]1119-you moody and even more defiant . ’[1119-you] [I]2813-john force a small smile . ‘ [I]2813-john like keeping [you]1119-you on [your]1119-you toes . ’[2813-john] ‘ [You]1119-you mean [you]1119-you like keeping [me]1119-you crazy . ’[1119-you] ‘ That , too . ’[1119-you] Sighing , [he]1119-you leans in and kisses [me]2813-john sweetly . ‘ Please eat . ’[1119-you] [He]1119-you ’s begging , not demanding . ‘ It might make [you]1119-you feel better . ’[1119-you] ‘ Okay . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john agree . [I]2813-john ’m willing to try because even though the thought of swallowing food makes [me]566-good girl want to gag , [I]566-good girl could n’t possibly feel any worse than [I]566-good girl already do . [He]1119-you looks a little surprised at [my]566-good girl lack of disobedience . ‘[566-good girl] [Good girl]566-good girl , ’ [I]566-good girl ’m[566-good girl] turned back towards [my]2813-john desk and presented with the paper bag , and as [I]2813-john open it , the waft of bacon hits [my]2813-john nose and [I]2813-john do actually gag . ‘ [I]2813-john do n’t think [I]2813-john can . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john snap the bag shut again , but it ’s soon whipped from [my]2813-john hand , the bagel unpacked and placed on a napkin in front of [me]2813-john . As [I]2813-john gingerly pick at a corner and bring it to [my]2813-john lips , [I]2813-john ’m fighting the overwhelming desire to run to [the toilets]442-the toilets and shove [my]2813-john fingers down [my]2813-john throat . [I]2813-john chew slowly for an age , under the watchful eye of [[my]2813-john worried husband]3317-my worried husband , then [I]2813-john swallow . [I]2813-john do n’t retch . ‘[2813-john] Can [I]2813-john just eat the bagel ? ’ [I]2813-john pick at another piece . [I]2813-john ca n’t face the bacon . [He]2813-john smiles down at [me]2813-john . ‘[2813-john] Yes . Do [you]2813-john see how happy [you]2813-john make [me]2813-john when [you]2813-john do what [you]2813-john ’re told ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ignore [him]2813-john and pop the bread in [my]2813-john mouth , each chew becoming easier , each swallow instigating less stomach turning . [He]2813-john just stands and watches [me]2813-john until [I]2813-john ’ve worked [my]2813-john way through most of [my]2813-john breakfast , leaving the bacon and a few scraps of bread to the side . ‘ Happy ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ask . [I]2813-john know [I]2813-john am . [I]2813-john feel better already . ‘ [Your]2813-john colours back . Yes , [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] happy . ’ [He]2813-john scoops up the remains and throws it in the bin , and then bends down , getting nose to nose with [me]2813-john . ‘[2813-john] Thank [you]2813-john . ’ [he]2813-john grins , and [I]2813-john grin right back . ‘[2813-john] [My]2813-john work here is done . ’ [He]2813-john pushes [his]2813-john lips to [mine]2813-john . ‘[2813-john] Now [I]2813-john ’ll leave [[my]2813-john wife]2849-my wife to work in peace . ’ [I]2813-john scoff . ‘[2813-john] No [you]2813-john wo n’t . ’ Pulling back , [he]2813-john hits [me]2813-john with a cheeky grin . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john might check in once or twice . ’ [I]2813-john scoff again . ‘[2813-john] No [you]2813-john wo n’t ! ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john wo n’t make a promise [I]2813-john ca n’t keep . Is [Patrick]374-patrick [here]2799-here ? ’ [His]374-patrick question reminds [me]374-patrick that [I]374-patrick still have n’t spoken to [[my]374-patrick boss]374-patrick about [Mikael]74-mikael . ‘[374-patrick] No . [He]374-patrick ’s in meetings all day . ’ [He]374-patrick straightens , flicking [his]374-patrick eyes to [my]374-patrick hair , clearly looking for signs of [my]374-patrick fiddling fingers . [He]374-patrick wo n’t find them there because [Patrick]374-patrick is in meetings . ‘[374-patrick] [You]2813-john ’ve made [me]2813-john late . ’ [he]374-patrick says , looking down at [his]374-patrick Rolex . ‘[2813-john] [You]2813-john make [yourself]2813-john late . ’ [I]2813-john shoo [him]374-patrick away and pick up [my]2813-john flowers to put them in water . ‘[2813-john] Go . ’ [He]374-patrick holds [his]374-patrick hands up and starts backing away from [me]2813-john . ‘[2813-john] Feeling better ? ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john do . Thank [you]2813-john . ’ Now [I]2813-john really am very grateful . Blessing [me]2813-john with [his]374-patrick smile , reserved only for [me]2813-john , [he]374-patrick winks , blows a kiss and walks out , leaving [me]2813-john with a little grin on [my]2813-john non - pale face , [Victoria]85-victoria and [Sal]60-sarah smiling fondly and [Tom]84-tom swooning at [[my]2813-john Lord]2765-my lord ’s back . [They]3320-they ’re[2813-john] all still so affected . * * * [I]2813-john make it to the end of the day with [my]2813-john breakfast still in [my]2813-john stomach . [I]2813-john feel so much better . [Jesse]306-jesse has text [me]2813-john five times , each one asking how [I]2813-john feel , [my]2813-john answer the same for every reply . Better . The final message asks a different question , though . [I]2813-john ’m still at [The Manor]226-the manor . Come ? [We]3322-we ’ll have steak . The last bit gets [me]2813-john . On [my]2813-john way x [I]2813-john pack [my]2813-john desk up and wave a goodbye to all of [[my]2813-john colleagues]699-my colleagues , meeting [a woman]3150-a woman holding a bunch of flowers at the door . ‘[2813-john] [Ava O’Shea]536-ava ? ’ [she]3150-a woman asks . It ’s not the usual florist , and [she]3150-a woman called [me]536-ava by [my]536-ava maiden name . [Jesse]306-jesse would absolutely never do that and [he]306-jesse already sent [me]536-ava flowers today , anyway . ‘[536-ava] That ’s [me]2813-john . ’ [I]536-ava sound cautious which is fine because [I]536-ava am . [I]536-ava ’ve just noticed the flowers are not calla lilies and [they]3325-they are far from fresh . In fact , [they]3325-they ’re[536-ava] dead . [She]1124-she places the flowers in [my]2813-john arms and thrusts the clipboard under [my]2813-john nose . [She]1124-she wants a signature for dead flowers ? [I]2813-john shift [my]2813-john full arms and manage a rough scribble across the paper . ‘ Thanks ’[1124-she] [she]1124-she says casually as [she]1124-she turns to walk away . [I]2813-john look down at the flowers a little puzzled . ‘ [They]3325-they ’re[1124-she] dead . ’ [I]2813-john call to [her]1124-she back . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john know . ’ [she]1124-she replies , not in the least bit troubled by that . ‘[2813-john] [You]2813-john think it ’s okay to deliver dead flowers ? ’ [She]1124-she turns and laughs . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’ve had stranger requests . ’ [I]2813-john flinch . Like what ? [She]1124-she carries on [her]1124-she way , not bothering to enlighten [me]2813-john , so [I]2813-john find the card and scramble between [my]2813-john full hands to remove it from the tiny envelope . [HE]2813-john SAYS [HE]2813-john NEEDS [YOU]2813-john . [HE]2813-john DOESN’T. [YOU]2813-john THINK [YOU]2813-john KNOW [HIM]2813-john . [YOU]2813-john DON’T. [I]2813-john DO . LEAVE [HIM]2813-john . Chapter 15 [My]2813-john heart stops beating in [my]2813-john chest and one name springs to mind immediately . [Coral]1009-coral . [I]2813-john should feel concerned , but [I]2813-john do n’t . [I]2813-john feel deadly possessive at the suggestion . A lightning bolt of [Jesse]306-jesse ’s famous attribute flies through [me]2813-john , leaving [me]2813-john dropping everything in [my]2813-john arms to the floor and tearing the malicious warning up slowly . Who the hell does [she]1009-coral think [she]1009-coral is ? A fuck , that ’s what [she]1009-coral was , nothing more than a convenient fuck . Has [she]1009-coral been in touch with [Jesse]306-jesse again ? Should [I]2813-john ask [him]2813-john and prick [his]2813-john curiosity , because [I]2813-john do n’t want [him]2813-john to know about this . [I]2813-john do n’t want anything tipping [him]2813-john over the edge . [I]2813-john can deal with empty threats . Leave [him]2813-john , or what ? [I]2813-john stuff the dead flowers in a bin over [the road]577-the road , along with the card , and make [my]2813-john way to [the car park]711-the car park . The desperate urge to be with [him]2813-john has suddenly overwhelmed [me]2813-john . [I]2813-john come to an abrupt halt when [I]2813-john see the parking space where [I]2813-john left [[my]2813-john Mini]653-my car this morning is empty . [No car]653-my car . [I]2813-john glace up at the board displaying the floor number and note that [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] in the exact right place . So where the hell is [[my]2813-john car]653-my car ? ‘ S’all good , [girl]87-ruth . ’[2813-john] [John]2813-john ’s low rumble pulls [my]2813-john body around to find [him]2813-john leaning out of the window of [[his]2813-john Range Rover]1126-his range rover . ‘ In [you]87-ruth get . ’[2813-john] ‘ [[My]2813-john car]653-my car ’s been stolen . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john wave [my]2813-john arm at the empty space and turn back to check that [I]2813-john ’m not imagining things . ‘[2813-john] It ’s not been stolen , [girl]87-ruth . Get in . ’ ‘[87-ruth] What ? ’ [I]87-ruth turn startled eyes back to [the mountain of [a black man]3330-a black man]3329-the mountain of a black man . ‘[87-ruth] Where is it , then ? ’ [John]2813-john has a clear look of embarrassment on [his]2813-john mean face . ‘[87-ruth] [[Your]1128-you mother fucking husband]1129-your mother fucking husband had it picked up . ’ [He]2813-john nods [his]2813-john head to the passenger side . ‘[87-ruth] Are [you]1128-you winding [me]2813-john up ? ’ [I]87-ruth laugh . [His]2813-john eyebrows appear over [his]2813-john wraparounds . ‘[87-ruth] What do [you]1128-you think ? ’ [he]2813-john asks seriously . [I]2813-john take a deep , calming breath and make [my]2813-john way around to the passenger side and climb in . Yes , [he]2813-john needs [me]2813-john all right . [He]2813-john needs [me]2813-john to drive [me]2813-john fucking crazy ! ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john might strangle [him]1129-your mother fucking husband . ’ [I]2813-john mutter , yanking [my]2813-john seatbelt around and clipping it in place . ‘[2813-john] Take it easy on [him]1129-your mother fucking husband , [girl]87-ruth . ’ [John]2813-john commences strumming on the steering wheel as [he]2813-john drives out of [the car park]711-the car park , back into the daylight . ‘[2813-john] [John]2813-john , ’ [I]2813-john start in a matter - of - fact tone . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john like [you]2813-john , [I]2813-john really do , but unless [you]2813-john can enlighten [me]2813-john on an acceptable reason for [[my]2813-john husband]420-my husband ’s neurotic ways , then [I]2813-john wo n’t be taking any notice of [your]2813-john request to take it easy on [him]1129-your mother fucking husband . ’ [He]1129-your mother fucking husband laughs a deep , rolling belly laugh , [his]1129-your mother fucking husband neck retracting and revealing those chins [he]1129-your mother fucking husband keeps hidden . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john like [you]2813-john , too , [girl]87-ruth . ’ [he]1129-your mother fucking husband chuckles , reaching under [his]1129-your mother fucking husband glasses and wiping under [his]1129-your mother fucking husband eyes . [I]2813-john ’ve never seen this big , menacing beast so vivacious . It makes [me]2813-john smile , thoughts of challenging husbands and threatening notes soon making way for the giggles . But then [John]2813-john ’s face straightens all too quickly , and [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] left laughing alone with wraparounds pointed at [me]2813-john . The sudden change in [his]1129-your mother fucking husband expression snaps [me]2813-john right from [my]2813-john hysterical state . ‘ [He]1129-your mother fucking husband might get worse . [I]1129-your mother fucking husband believe congratulations are in order . ’[1129-your mother fucking husband] [His]1129-your mother fucking husband face dips , an indication that [he]1129-your mother fucking husband ’s looking at [my]2813-john stomach , before [he]1129-your mother fucking husband returns to face [the road]577-the road . ‘ [He]1129-your mother fucking husband ’s told [you]1129-your mother fucking husband ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ask disbelievingly . [I]2813-john do n’t want [anyone]2929-anyone to know yet . It ’s way too soon . ‘ [Girl]87-ruth , [he]1129-your mother fucking husband did n’t need to . ’[2813-john] ‘ [He]1129-your mother fucking husband did n’t ? ’[2813-john] ‘ No , when [I]2813-john found [Harrods]55-harrods baby department on the screen of [his]1129-your mother fucking husband computer , it kind of let the cat out the bag . That and the smile on [the mother fucker]3332-the mother fucker ’s face all day . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john sink into [my]2813-john seat . [I]2813-john can imagine [he]1129-your mother fucking husband ’s got [Zoe]55-harrods sourcing all sorts of luxurious baby equipment . [I]2813-john can also imagine [her]55-harrods face when [Jesse]306-jesse hits [her]55-harrods with [his]306-jesse latest shopping list , when it ’s just a few short weeks since [she]55-harrods met [me]2813-john and set [me]2813-john up with a stunning gown for the anniversary dinner . And just a few short weeks after that , [she]55-harrods ’s searching for [my]2813-john wedding dress , and then not long later , [she]55-harrods ’s finding [[our]1135-our baby]1069-our baby ’s christening gown . What must [she]55-harrods be thinking ? Shot - gun , that ’s what . A rush job because [he]1129-your mother fucking husband ’s knocked [me]2813-john up , just like [everyone else]1137-everyone else will probably think , including [[my]2813-john parents]2767-my parents and [Dan]464-dan . How long can [I]2813-john hold out before [I]2813-john tell [them]2767-my parents ? * * * [John]2813-john pulls up at [The Manor]226-the manor , and [I]2813-john waste no time jumping down from [[his]2813-john Range Rover]1126-his range rover and making [my]2813-john way up the steps . ‘ [He]2813-john ’s in [[his]2813-john office]2910-his office . ’[2813-john] [John]2813-john calls . ‘ Thanks , [John]2813-john . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john use [my]2813-john key , pushing [my]2813-john way through the doors , and head straight towards the back of [The Manor]226-the manor , passing through [the summer room]244-the summer room and smiling to [myself]2813-john at the sudden silence that falls . [I]2813-john cast [my]2813-john eyes across the gathering of [women]253-women , all with drinks in [their]253-women hands and all with sour faces . ‘ Evening , ’[253-women] [I]2813-john smile brightly and receive a chorus of mumbles in return for [my]2813-john trouble . [My]2813-john smile widens at the thought of those sour faces souring further when [they]253-women learn of [my]2813-john pregnancy . [I]2813-john ’m smug . As [I]2813-john approach [[Jesse]306-jesse ’s office]455-jesse ’s office , the door opens and [a man]448-a man exits , looking tense but relieved all at once . It ’s [Steve]134-steve . [He]134-steve looks different , fully clothed and without a whip in [his]134-steve grasp . [I]2813-john halt dead in [my]2813-john tracks , completely shocked , mainly because [he]134-steve ’s in one piece . [He]134-steve does n’t look so cocky now . ‘[2813-john] Hi , ’ [I]536-ava stammer , the surprise clear in [my]536-ava tone . [His]134-steve eyes lift and [he]134-steve smiles , a little embarrassed . ‘[536-ava] [Ava]536-ava , ’ [I]536-ava ’m[536-ava] staring at [him]536-ava , and [I]2813-john realise it ’s rude , but [I]2813-john ’m not sure what to say . There are no bruises or black eyes , [he]134-steve ’s not limping and [he]134-steve does n’t look like [he]134-steve ’s just been offered burial or cremation . ‘[2813-john] How are [you]536-ava ? ’ [I]2813-john ask , when [my]2813-john brain fails to give [me]2813-john anything better to say . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m good , ’[536-ava] [He]536-ava slips [his]536-ava hands into [his]536-ava jacket pockets , looking no less uncomfortable . ‘ [You]536-ava ? ’[536-ava] ‘ Yes , [I]536-ava ’m[536-ava] fine . ’ This is so awkward . The last time [I]536-ava saw [him]536-ava , [he]536-ava had [me]536-ava trussed up and was whipping the crap out of [me]536-ava . [He]536-ava was cocky and smarmy , but there is no trace of [that man]536-ava now . ‘[536-ava] [You]536-ava ’ve been to see [Jesse]306-jesse ? ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john have . ’ [He]536-ava laughs . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’ve avoided it for long enough . [I]2813-john needed to apologise . ’ ‘[2813-john] Oh , ’ [My]2813-john brain is failing [me]2813-john again . [He]536-ava looks sincere enough , but if [I]2813-john was [a man]448-a man and [I]2813-john had [Jesse]306-jesse vying for [my]2813-john blood , [I]2813-john think [I]2813-john would face the shame of grovelling , which is no doubt what [he]536-ava ’s done . [We]3337-we would n’t be walking if [he]536-ava had n’t . It may have been a few weeks , but [I]2813-john know [Jesse]306-jesse has been quietly boiling over this . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john should apologise to [you]2813-john , too . ’ [he]536-ava stammers through [his]536-ava words . ‘[2813-john] Yeah … urm … [I]2813-john ’m … [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] sorry . ’ [I]2813-john shake [my]2813-john head . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] the one who ’s embarrassed now . [I]2813-john asked [him]2813-john to whip [me]2813-john . [I]2813-john asked for it . It ’s [me]2813-john who should be feeling remorseful for setting [him]2813-john up for certain annihilation . ‘ [Steve]134-steve , [I]2813-john should n’t have asked [you]134-steve . It was wrong of [me]2813-john . ’[2813-john] ‘ No , ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john smiles , but this time it ’s a sweet offering . ‘ [I]2813-john ’d been walking a fine line for too long , getting carried away , losing respect for [the women trusting [me]2813-john]3338-the women trusting me . [You]134-steve actually did [me]2813-john a favour , but , of course , [I]2813-john wish [I]2813-john ’d never hurt [you]134-steve . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john smile back . ‘ [I]2813-john ’ll accept [yours]134-steve , if [you]134-steve accept [mine]134-steve . ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john pulls [his]2813-john car keys from [his]2813-john pocket and starts to pass [me]2813-john . ‘ Accepted . [I]2813-john ’ll see [you]134-steve . ’[2813-john] ‘ See [you]134-steve . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john call to [his]2813-john back . [I]2813-john push through [Jesse]306-jesse ’s office door and find [him]2813-john on [his]2813-john knees in the middle of the floor , [my]2813-john mind suddenly awash with painful memories . But [he]2813-john ’s fully dressed in [his]2813-john suit and there are piles and piles of paperwork spread on the floor in front of [him]2813-john . [He]2813-john looks up , and [my]2813-john heart constricts at the exasperated look on [his]2813-john beautiful face . [His]2813-john concentration frown is heavy . ‘ Hey , ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john shut the door behind [me]2813-john , and [his]2813-john look changes from mentally exhausted to contented in a split second . ‘ Here ’s [[my]2813-john beautiful girl]0-my beautiful girl . ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john sits or [his]2813-john arse , knees bent and with [his]2813-john feet flat on the floor . [He]2813-john opens [his]2813-john arms . ‘ Come here . [I]2813-john need [you]0-my beautiful girl . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john walk slowly over . ‘ Need [me]2813-john , or need [me]2813-john to sort all of this out for [you]0-my beautiful girl ? ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john pouts and waves [him]2813-john arms impatiently . ‘ Both . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john sit [myself]2813-john between [his]2813-john thighs and shuffle back until [my]2813-john back is pressed to [his]2813-john front . [His]2813-john arms wrap around [my]2813-john shoulders and [his]2813-john nose goes straight into [my]2813-john hair , taking a long , loud inhale . ‘ How are [you]0-my beautiful girl feeling ? ’[2813-john] ‘ Better . ’[2813-john] ‘ Good , [I]2813-john do n’t like seeing [you]0-my beautiful girl poorly . ’[2813-john] ‘ Then [you]0-my beautiful girl should n’t have been underhanded and knocked [me]2813-john up . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john retort dryly , earning [myself]2813-john a nudge of [his]2813-john leg . ‘ [I]2813-john saw [Steve]134-steve leaving . ’[2813-john] ‘ Hmm , ’[2813-john] [he]2813-john hums in [my]2813-john ear , nibbling at [my]2813-john lobe . ‘ Did [you]2813-john offer burial or cremation ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john grin to [myself]2813-john when [I]2813-john ’m nudged again . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john offered [him]2813-john an olive branch , actually . Sarcasm does n’t suit [you]2813-john , [lady]2813-john . ’ [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] pretty speechless . [I]2813-john would ’ve put [my]2813-john life on the imminent demise of [the poor Steve]134-steve . ‘ What ’s made [you]2813-john so reasonable ? ’[2813-john] ‘ [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] always reasonable . It is [you]2813-john , [beautiful girl]561-beautiful girl , who ’s [the unreasonable one]1145-the unreasonable one . ’ [I]2813-john do n’t bother challenging [him]134-steve . [I]2813-john do n’t even bother scoffing or laughing , but [his]134-steve little comment has just reminded [me]2813-john of something . ‘[2813-john] What ’s so reasonable about having [[my]2813-john car stolen]1146-my car stolen ? ’ [I]2813-john ask . ‘[2813-john] And how did [you]2813-john manage it without any key ? ’ ‘[2813-john] [Tow truck]1147-tow truck . ’ [he]134-steve replies with absolutely no shame or further explanation . [I]2813-john reach forward and pick up a few pieces of paper , anything to stop [myself]2813-john from countering [his]134-steve ridiculous claim of not being unreasonable . ‘[2813-john] How was [your]2813-john day ? ’ [he]134-steve asks . [I]2813-john try to prevent the slight tensing of [my]2813-john body , scorning [myself]2813-john for the immediate reaction to withdraw from [his]134-steve embrace so [he]134-steve does n’t sense it . Given [his]134-steve relaxed persona , [I]2813-john do n’t need to worry [him]134-steve with trivial , empty threats from [[his]134-steve ex - scorned lover]3340-his ex - scorned lover . ‘[2813-john] Productive . Shall [we]1148-i make a start ? ’ [He]134-steve groans but releases [me]1148-i . ‘[1148-i] Suppose so . ’ Over the next hour , [we]1148-i sort through endless papers , bills , contracts and invoices . [I]1148-i ’ve collated [them]1148-i all in date order , stacked them in neat piles and secured [them]1148-i with elastic bands . [Jesse]306-jesse slumps in [his]306-jesse office chair and starts fiddling with [his]306-jesse computer , and [I]1148-i watch as [I]1148-i finish binding the final pile of papers . [He]306-jesse ’s guiding [his]306-jesse mouse around , [his]306-jesse frown a perfect line on [his]306-jesse brow . Curious , [I]1148-i get up to go and see what [he]306-jesse ’s so rapt with , although [I]1148-i suspect [I]1148-i already know . As [I]1148-i walk around [his]306-jesse desk , [he]306-jesse flicks [his]306-jesse eyes quickly to [me]1148-i , and then hastily shuts [his]306-jesse screen down . ‘[1148-i] Dinner ? ’ [He]306-jesse stands . [I]1148-i give [him]306-jesse suspicious eyes and lean past [him]306-jesse , turning the screen back on . It ’s as [I]1148-i thought ; baby paraphernalia everywhere . Multiple screens are open , and [I]1148-i glance across the bottom , seeing every manufacturer of baby equipment that [you]3341-you could possibly think of . There ’s even one page dedicated to organic nappies . [I]1148-i turn [my]1148-i face to [his]306-jesse with a questioning look , but [I]1148-i ca n’t possibly be cranky with [him]306-jesse , especially when [he]306-jesse shrugs sheepishly and starts biting at [his]306-jesse bottom lip . ‘[1148-i] Just doing a bit of research . ’ [He]306-jesse actually looks down and starts scuffing [his]306-jesse shoes on the office carpet . [I]1148-i melt at [his]306-jesse feet . [I]1148-i could hug [him]306-jesse . So [I]1148-i do . [I]1148-i embrace [his]306-jesse excitement and embrace [him]306-jesse . Tightly . ‘[1148-i] [I]2813-john know [you]1149-you ’re excited , but could [we]3342-we hold off telling [people]2825-everyone ? ’[2813-john] ‘ [I]2813-john want to shout about it , ’[2813-john] [he]2813-john complains . ‘ Tell [everyone]2825-everyone . ’[2813-john] [You]1149-you would never know this was [the same man]1150-the same man . From the arrogant , conceited arsehole the day [I]2813-john met [him]2813-john in [this exact office]1151-this exact office , to this ? ‘ [I]1150-the same man know , but [I]1150-the same man ’m[1150-the same man] only a few weeks . It ’s bad luck . [Women]253-women usually wait until [their]253-women first scan , at least . ’ ‘[253-women] When ’s the first scan ? [I]2813-john ’ll pay . [We]1153-we ’ll get one tomorrow . ’ [I]1153-we laugh and pull away . ‘[1153-we] It ’s far too early for a scan , and anyway , [the hospital]742-the hospital will do it . [He]2813-john looks at [me]2813-john like [I]2813-john ’ve just grown another head . ‘ [You]1149-you are not having [[my]2813-john baby in [a NHS hospital]742-the hospital]3344-my baby in a nhs hospital ! ’[2813-john] ‘ [I]2813-john … ’[2813-john] ‘ No , [Ava]536-ava . This is not up for discussion . End of . ’[2813-john] It ’s that tone — the one [I]2813-john know , for absolutely sure , never to challenge . ‘ Never , no way . ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john shakes [his]2813-john head . [He]2813-john ’s horrified at the thought , clearly . ‘ What do [you]1156-you think [they]1155-they ’ll do ? ’[2813-john] ‘ [I]2813-john do n’t know , but [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] not giving [them]1155-they the chance . ’ [He]2813-john takes [my]1156-you hand and starts leading [me]1156-you from [[his]2813-john office]2910-his office . ‘[1156-you] [You]1156-you pay [your]1156-you taxes and so do [I.]1157-i. It ’s a privilege to have a National Health Service . [You]1156-you should be grateful . ’ ‘[1156-you] [I]2813-john am , it ’s wonderful , but [we]1158-i wo n’t be utilising it . End of . ’ ‘[1158-i] Neurotic , ’ [I]1158-i mutter , looking up at [him]2813-john on a grin . [My]1158-i grin is returned , even though [I]1158-i can see [he]2813-john ’s trying to remain serious . ‘[1158-i] -ish . ’ [he]2813-john replies . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john like [your]1156-you dress . ’ [His]2813-john eyes wander down the front of [my]2813-john nude structured pencil dress , as do [mine]2813-john . ‘[2813-john] Thank [you]1156-you . ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john want to show [you]1156-you something . Come on . ’ [He]2813-john opens the door and places [his]2813-john hand on the small of [my]2813-john back to guide [me]2813-john . ‘[2813-john] What ? ’ [I]1156-you ask , letting [my]1156-you body be gently pushed from [[his]2813-john office]2910-his office and down [the corridor]2909-the corridor . [I]1156-you shiver when [I]1156-you feel [his]2813-john mouth at [my]1156-you ear . ‘[1156-you] [You]1156-you ’ll see . ’ [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] curious , and [I]2813-john ’m also feeling … a little breathless . Just from a few whispered words and [his]2813-john hand on [my]2813-john body , [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] mentally begging for [him]1156-you . Pregnancy might be responsible , or it could just be [him]1156-you . No , it ’s the latter , for sure , but combined [I]2813-john could be in a whole heap of sexual trouble . [We]1159-i pass [the members of [The Manor]226-the manor in [the summer room]244-the summer room]1160-the members of the manor in the summer room , [Jesse]306-jesse nodding , [me]2813-john smiling sweetly , and make [our]1159-i way up [the stairs]2909-the corridor until [we]1159-i ’re walking down [the corridor]2909-the corridor to the extension . [He]306-jesse opens the door to [the very last room]244-the summer room , the one [I]1159-i fled from , the one [I]1159-i sat on [my]1159-i arse sketching drafts in , and the one in which [I]1159-i received [my]1159-i warning from [Sarah]60-sarah . [I]1159-i do n’t particularly like [this room]254-the room , but as [I]1159-i ’m[1159-i] pushed through and [the whole area]1164-the whole area comes into view , [I]2813-john gasp . It ’s no longer an empty shell of raw plaster and a rough wooden floor . It ’s now a palatial space , garnished in sumptuous materials , all in black and gold . [I]2813-john gingerly wander in , gazing around , drinking in the stunning space . The huge bed that [I]2813-john sketched has come to life and is dominating [the room]254-the room , dressed in pale gold satin with huge , black lace calla lilies embroidered across the material . The windows are adorned with heavy gold drapes of the same material , and the floor is soft and squidgy under [my]2813-john heels . [I]2813-john look down and find [I]2813-john ’m standing on a gigantic plush rug , so thick that [I]1166-i ca n’t see the tops of [my]1166-i feet . [I]1166-i trail [my]1166-i eyes across the walls , finding the paper [I]1166-i picked on one wall and the three remaining walls painted in a dull gold to match the bedding and curtains . It ’s almost an exact replica of [my]1166-i rough drawing . [I]1166-i turn to face [Jesse]306-jesse . ‘[1166-i] [You]1166-i did this ? ’ [He]306-jesse shuts the door quietly . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john gave [someone]443-someone [your]443-someone drawing and told [them]443-someone to create it . Is it close ? ’ ‘[2813-john] It is . When ? ’ [I]2813-john ask . ‘[2813-john] It does n’t matter when . What matters is if [you]443-someone like it . ’ [He]306-jesse ’s trying to gage [my]443-someone reaction , looking a little cautious and maybe even a little nervous , too . ‘[443-someone] It ’s perfect . ’ [He]306-jesse was nervous because [he]306-jesse has just visibly relaxed . ‘[1168-ours] It ’s [ours]1168-ours . ’ [My]1168-ours eyes widen a little . ‘[1168-ours] [Ours]1168-ours ? ’ What does [he]306-jesse mean by that ? Does [he]306-jesse want [us]1168-ours to live [here]285-this room ? [I]1168-ours ’m[1168-ours] not living here . [He]1169-he must catch the worry on [my]2813-john face because [he]1169-he smiles mildly . ‘ [No one]548-no one has ever been in [this room]285-this room and [no one]548-no one ever will be . This is [[our]1168-ours room]285-this room . If [I]1170-you ’m[1170-you] working and [you]1170-you ’re with [me]1170-you , maybe [you]1170-you ’ll want a sleep or some rest . ’[1170-you] ‘ [You]1170-you mean when [I]2813-john have swollen ankles or exhaustion from carrying too much weight ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m suddenly contemplating the awful thought that [we]1172-we ’re[67-doctor monroe] having [a baby]67-doctor monroe , [we]1172-we are starting [a family]1173-a family , and [The Manor]917-this place will be a huge feature and presence in [our]1172-we lives . [[My]2813-john baby]67-doctor monroe ’s daddy owns [a sex club]1175-a sex club . Once [I]2813-john have [this baby]67-doctor monroe , [I]2813-john ’ll never want to bring it here , and with [Jesse]306-jesse working [I]2813-john ’ll hardly see [him]306-jesse . [He]306-jesse ’ll hardly see [us]1172-we . The terrifying , unsure feelings are still lying dormant , and with this sudden realisation , [they]1176-they are threatening to rear [their]1176-they ugly head and send [me]2813-john back a few paces . [He]306-jesse ’ll never sell [this place]917-this place . [He]306-jesse ’s already confirmed that . It was [[Carmichael]323-carmichael ’s baby]67-doctor monroe . ‘ [I]306-jesse mean , if [we]1172-we need it , it will be here . ’[306-jesse] [he]306-jesse says quietly . [I]2813-john do n’t want to need it . If [we]1172-we were never here , then [we]1172-we would n’t need it . [I]2813-john do n’t say that , though . [He]306-jesse ’s gone to all of this trouble for [me]2813-john , so instead , [I]2813-john break [my]2813-john eyes away from [Jesse]306-jesse ’s thoughtful greens and cast them around the pale gold walls . There ’s no wall art , no pictures or decorative pieces . Except the cross . [My]2813-john eyes remained fixed on the giant , dark wooden crucifix , and [I]2813-john notice at each end of the horizontal piece of wood spanning two thirds of the way up , there are manacles — shiny , gold , intricately carved pieces of mental bolted to the far edges to hold something in place . To hold [a person in place]1177-a person in place . [I]2813-john slowly turn [my]2813-john eyes back to [Jesse]306-jesse ’s and find [his]306-jesse are still on [me]2813-john , watching carefully , assessing [my]2813-john reaction to the piece of art . ‘ Why is that in here ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ask quietly . ‘ Because [I]306-jesse had it put in here . ’[306-jesse] [He]306-jesse ’s just as quiet , and [his]306-jesse hands are draped loosely in [his]306-jesse pockets , [his]306-jesse legs slightly spread . ‘ Why ? ’[306-jesse] ‘ [I]306-jesse think it might … help . ’[306-jesse] [His]306-jesse eyes are smoking out , [his]306-jesse lip being chewed . Help ? With what ? [Jesse]306-jesse is just standing there with rapt intention written all over that heart - stopping face , and it ’s playing havoc with [my]2813-john vital signs . ‘ What do [we]3351-we need help with ? ’[2813-john] [My]2813-john voice is a husky murmur , full of want and longing . All of those vital signs escalate further when [he]306-jesse slowly starts walking towards [me]2813-john . ‘ [You]1178-you want it hard . ’[306-jesse] [he]306-jesse says quietly , ‘ and [I]306-jesse ’m[306-jesse] not very comfortable with that when [you]1178-you ’re carrying [[my]306-jesse baby]727-my baby . ’[306-jesse] [He]306-jesse removes [his]306-jesse Grensons and socks , then slides [his]306-jesse jacket off [his]306-jesse shoulders and drapes it on the bed . ‘ So [I]2813-john thought carefully and came up with the compromise fuck . ’[2813-john] [My]2813-john exhale falters in [my]2813-john throat and for some reason unbeknown to [me]2813-john , [I]2813-john step back . [I]2813-john do n’t know why , [I]2813-john trust [him]306-jesse , but [I]2813-john ’m a little shocked by [his]306-jesse obvious intention . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john do n’t understand . ’ [He]306-jesse reaches up and pulls at [his]306-jesse tie before slowly unfastening [his]306-jesse shirt buttons . ‘[1179-you] [You]1179-you will . ’ [He]306-jesse leaves [his]306-jesse shirt draping open , teasing [my]1179-you eyes with only a sliver of [his]306-jesse flesh , and walks across [the room]2873-the whole room , opening a cupboard door and fiddling with something . Then [the whole room]2873-the whole room is swamped with a slow building hum of spiritual , tingle provoking music . [I]1179-you go rigid . ‘[1179-you] What is this ? ’ [I]135-amber ask as [he]306-jesse walks slowly back towards [me]135-amber , reaching [my]135-amber body and breathing down on [me]135-amber . ‘[135-amber] This is [Amber]135-amber , Sexual . ’ [he]306-jesse says gently . ‘[135-amber] Afterlife . Appropriate , do n’t [you]1179-you think ? ’ [I]1179-you could n’t agree more , but [my]1179-you mouth refuses to speak and tell [him]306-jesse so . ‘[1179-you] It does n’t always have to be hard , [Ava]536-ava . [I]2813-john hold the power , no matter how [I]2813-john take [you]1179-you . ’ [He]536-ava pushes [me]2813-john back gently until [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] positioned in front of the cross . ‘ It ’s not the hard [you]1179-you love , anyway . It ’s [me]536-ava taking [you]1179-you so unapologetically . ’[536-ava] [His]536-ava voice is low and sure . It should be . [He]536-ava ’s totally right . It ’s the power [he]536-ava has over [me]2813-john , not just the power of [his]536-ava body . ‘ [You]1179-you ’ll never fuck any sense into [me]2813-john again ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ask , just as low , but not so sure . [His]536-ava lips break into a concealed smile . ‘ Will [you]1179-you defy [me]536-ava again ? ’[536-ava] ‘ Probably , ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john breathe . ‘ Then [I]536-ava ’ve absolutely no doubt that [I]536-ava will , [my]536-ava temptress . ’[536-ava] [He]536-ava rests [his]536-ava finger under [my]2813-john chin and brings [my]2813-john face up to [his]536-ava . ‘ If [I]536-ava want to fuck [you]1179-you hard and make [you]1179-you scream , then [I]536-ava will . If [I]536-ava want to make love to [you]1179-you , [Ava]536-ava , and make [you]1179-you purr , then [I]536-ava will . ’[536-ava] [He]536-ava places [his]536-ava lips gently over [mine]2813-john , and [my]2813-john eyes close , [my]2813-john breathing hitching quietly . ‘ If [I]536-ava want to bind [you]1179-you on this cross , then [I]536-ava will . ’[536-ava] [He]536-ava reaches around [my]2813-john back and lazily draws the zipper of [my]2813-john dress down before pulling it away and lowering [himself]536-ava with it so [I]2813-john can step out . Working [his]536-ava way back up [my]2813-john body , [he]536-ava takes [my]2813-john hand and kisses [my]2813-john wedding ring . ‘ And [you]1179-you are [mine]1179-you , so [I]536-ava ’ll do what [I]536-ava like with [you]1179-you . ’[536-ava] [My]2813-john eyes are still closed , [my]2813-john head dropped low . [My]2813-john breathing is weak and shallow , too , and [my]2813-john ears are saturated by the sensual tones of the calm music . [My]2813-john flesh screams for [his]536-ava touch . However [he]536-ava wants to do it . However [he]536-ava wants to take [me]2813-john . [I]2813-john feel [my]2813-john bra being removed , and the slow lift of [my]2813-john hand to meet the gold manacle . It clips into place and [he]536-ava kisses [me]2813-john again before slowly guiding [my]2813-john free hand to the other gold shackle . [I]2813-john ’m bound , spread on the cross and at [his]536-ava mercy . But [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] one hundred per cent safe , and [I]2813-john ’m one hundred per cent comfortable . ‘[306-jesse] Look at [me]2813-john , [baby]306-jesse . ’ [he]536-ava whispers , stroking [my]306-jesse cheek . [My]306-jesse heavy lids lift and [I]306-jesse ’m[306-jesse] crippled by dark green pools of pure love . ‘ Tell [me]306-jesse [you]306-jesse ’ve never done this before . ’[306-jesse] It ’s the only distracting thought running through [my]2813-john mind . The time [I]2813-john spent in [the communal room]228-the communal room never suggested this level of intensity or intimacy between [two people]1182-two people . But [my]2813-john time was brief and even though what [I]2813-john witnessed was intense , it certainly never carried an element of love . [We]1183-we have that love . Sliding [his]1184-his hand around the nape of [my]2813-john neck , [he]1184-his pulls [me]2813-john forward slightly so [our]1183-we faces are as close as can be without touching . ‘ Never . ’[1184-his] [His]1184-his mouth meets [mine]2813-john tenderly , and [I]2813-john close [my]2813-john eyes , opening to [his]1184-his soft lips willingly , but not frenzied . [I]2813-john feel calm and serene as [he]1184-his leisurely works [his]1184-his tongue through [my]2813-john mouth , rolling , lapping and withdrawing before evenly plunging back inside to continue lazily seducing [me]2813-john . [My]2813-john lack of ability to hold [him]1184-his is not bothering [me]2813-john at all . [He]1184-his ’s holding [my]2813-john neck firmly , kissing [me]2813-john like [I]2813-john ’m glass , and [I]2813-john have no physical hold of [him]1184-his . [His]1184-his mouth is giving [me]2813-john everything [I]2813-john need . [I]2813-john have no desire to demand harsher contact . This is just perfect . Trailing [his]1184-his mouth to [my]2813-john ear , [he]1184-his runs [his]1184-his tongue up the edge of [my]2813-john lobe , [my]2813-john cheek pushing into [his]1184-his jaw , [his]1184-his light stubble comforting and so familiar . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] riddled with tingles , every scrap of [my]2813-john form buzzing to the erotic routine of [his]1184-his lips . And then [they]1185-they leave [my]2813-john ear and [he]1184-his pulls away . ‘ Eyes , [baby]306-jesse . ’[1184-his] [I]2813-john rip [my]2813-john eyes open with some determined effort and watch as [he]1184-his shrugs off [his]1184-his shirt , the revealing of slightly tanned , toned , smooth flesh attacking [my]2813-john eyes . [My]2813-john gaze drifts all over the hard vastness of [his]1184-his chest , over [his]1184-his pecs , over [his]1184-his abdomen , over [his]1184-his scar . The sight makes [me]2813-john shift in [my]2813-john heels and wish that [I]2813-john was n’t bound at all . But [I]2813-john ’m quickly distracted from [my]2813-john need to lay [my]2813-john hands on [him]1184-his when [his]1184-his belt is unfastened , along with [his]1184-his button and zipper , and [he]1184-his ’s pushing [his]1184-his trousers down [his]1184-his robust thighs . [He]1184-his ’s standing before [me]2813-john , uncovered and unforgivingly phenomenal . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] not serene any longer . [I]2813-john ’m fighting the instinct to wrestle with [my]2813-john restraints and shout a demand for contact . [He]1184-his must catch [my]2813-john pending loss of control because [he]1184-his ’s pressed up to [my]2813-john body in a split second and looking down into [my]2813-john desperate eyes . ‘[2813-john] Let the music sink back in , [Ava]536-ava . Control it . ’ [I]2813-john try , but with [his]1184-his naked muscles spread all over [my]2813-john restrained frame , it ’s just way too hard . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ca n’t . ’ [I]2813-john admit unashamedly . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] not ashamed . [I]2813-john ’m consumed . [I]2813-john close [my]2813-john eyes again , willing some strength from [my]2813-john weakness to obey [him]1184-his . [My]2813-john hands are suddenly warm , and [I]2813-john realise that [his]1184-his palms are encasing the fists [I]2813-john have formed . [I]2813-john flex them silently , showing [my]2813-john cooperation , and [he]1184-his releases [me]2813-john before lightly dragging [his]1184-his fingers up the insides of [my]2813-john arms , a flurry of goose bumps tracking [their]3355-their path until [he]1184-his ’s on [my]2813-john chest and cupping both of [my]2813-john breasts . [My]2813-john eyes are still closed , but [I]2813-john know [his]1184-his mouth is moving in . [I]2813-john can feel [his]1184-his breath spreading further over [my]2813-john skin the closer [he]1184-his ’s getting . And then there is the unmistakable heat of [his]1184-his mouth completely closed around [my]2813-john right breast . [His]1184-his tactic is exact . [He]1184-his sucks deeply , rolls [his]1184-his tongue slowly and pulls back to kiss [my]2813-john nipple sweetly before repeating , sucking , rolling and kissing . [My]2813-john head falls back , and [I]2813-john moan , a low , raspy noise of surrender . [I]2813-john soak up the attentive motions , as [I]2813-john quietly sigh and let [my]2813-john head go completely limp . A buzzing has developed between [my]2813-john thighs and is beating a steady , consistent thrum . [I]2813-john feel [his]1184-his teeth clamp painfully onto [my]2813-john nipple and [my]2813-john head flies up on a small cry . [He]1184-his does n’t release [me]2813-john , even though it ’s obviously painful . [He]1184-his just gazes up through [his]1184-his long lashes at [me]2813-john struggling to deal with the pressure . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] not relenting . [I]2813-john ’m not telling [him]1184-his to stop , so [I]2813-john block it out and meet [his]1184-his stare with [my]2813-john own determined one , and when [he]1184-his smiles a little around [my]2813-john breast , [I]2813-john know [I]2813-john was right to ride it out . [My]2813-john nipple is released and the blood rushes back in as [he]1184-his sucks it back to life , and [I]2813-john release a quiet gasp . ‘[2813-john] [[My]2813-john beautiful girl]0-my beautiful girl is learning to control it . ’ [he]1184-his muses , drawing [my]2813-john knickers down [my]2813-john thighs and tapping each ankle to lift . Pecking [his]1184-his way between [my]2813-john breasts , up [my]2813-john throat and back to [my]2813-john lips , [he]1184-his cups [me]2813-john delicately and then slowly pushes two fingers inside of [me]2813-john . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] panting immediately . ‘ [Shhhh]136-shhhh . ’[0-my beautiful girl] [he]0-my beautiful girl whispers . ‘ Soak it up , [Ava]536-ava . Feel every single bit of pleasure that [I]0-my beautiful girl bless [you]536-ava with . ’[0-my beautiful girl] [His]0-my beautiful girl fingers pull free and firmly drive forward again , deep and high . [He]0-my beautiful girl might be measured and soft , but [my]2813-john muscles are gripping [him]0-my beautiful girl harshly . And then [they]1187-i ’re gone , but before [I]1187-i can voice a frustrated complaint , [I]1187-i feel the soaking wet head of [his]0-my beautiful girl cock meet the very tip of [my]1187-i clit . [I]1187-i do n’t miss the slight , sharp intake of breath from [him]0-my beautiful girl , but [I]1187-i ’m[1187-i] too drunk on [his]0-my beautiful girl heated touch to tell [him]0-my beautiful girl to control it . [He]0-my beautiful girl guides [himself]0-my beautiful girl around , rolling the steel , slippery head across [me]2813-john , getting [his]0-my beautiful girl face up close to [mine]2813-john and breathing heavily all over [my]2813-john lips . [Our]1188-we eyes lock , complete adoration clashing between [them]1187-i , and [he]0-my beautiful girl slowly lowers [his]0-my beautiful girl lips to [mine]2813-john and kisses [me]2813-john . It ’s a kiss of passion and it ’s full of heat and devotion . This time , [we]1188-we both groan , [we]1188-we both lose [our]1188-we breath and [we]1188-we both shift on the spot to steady [ourselves]1188-we . ‘ Are [your]2813-john arms okay ? ’[0-my beautiful girl] [he]0-my beautiful girl murmurs into [my]2813-john mouth . ‘ Yes , ’[0-my beautiful girl] ‘ Are [you]2813-john ready for [me]0-my beautiful girl to take [you]2813-john , [Ava]536-ava ? Tell [me]0-my beautiful girl [you]2813-john ’re[0-my beautiful girl] ready . ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m ready . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m floating away . [He]0-my beautiful girl stoops and hovers at [my]2813-john entrance , then drops [my]2813-john lips . ‘[2813-john] Open [your]2813-john eyes for [me]2813-john , [baby]2813-john . ’ [I]2813-john instantly comply , the magnetism of [his]0-my beautiful girl own pulling [me]2813-john straight to where [they]3356-they should be . [I]2813-john watch [him]0-my beautiful girl as [he]0-my beautiful girl unhurriedly breaches [my]2813-john opening and slides into [me]2813-john . ‘[2813-john] Oh God , ’ [I]306-jesse breath , maintaining [our]3357-our eye contact , refusing to break this incredible intimacy . ‘[306-jesse] [Jesus]306-jesse , ’ [His]306-jesse cheeks puff slightly , [he]306-jesse shakes [his]306-jesse head very mildly and a shimmer of sweat materialises across [his]306-jesse brow as [he]306-jesse reaches down and takes the back of [my]2813-john thighs and lifts them to [his]306-jesse narrow hips before drawing back and pushing forward on a low , throaty moan , dipping [his]306-jesse head and latching onto [my]2813-john throat . [My]2813-john head naturally falls to the side , [my]2813-john eyes closing , as [he]0-my beautiful girl lazily licks up the column , finishing with a tender kiss under [my]2813-john ear . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john set the pace . ’ [he]0-my beautiful girl murmurs , ‘[306-jesse] and [you]306-jesse follow . ’ [His]0-my beautiful girl words make [me]306-jesse swallow hard and turn into [his]0-my beautiful girl mouth , capturing [his]0-my beautiful girl lips and worshipping [him]0-my beautiful girl while [he]0-my beautiful girl truly blesses [me]306-jesse with the consistent , calm and controlled advances of [his]0-my beautiful girl hips . In and out . In and out . In and out . When [we]1190-we ’re[306-jesse] like this , nothing and [no one else]1189-no one else exists . [We]1190-we ’re surrounded by this calming music , [we]1190-we are both calm , but [we]1190-we are both sticky , gliding against each other ’s bodies and completely out of [our]1190-we mind on pleasure . Out [he]0-my beautiful girl pulls , and in [he]0-my beautiful girl goes again . [He]0-my beautiful girl ’s filling [me]1191-me wholly and not just with each and every perfect stroke . [My]1191-me heart is full , too . It ’s full of fierce , powerful , undying love . [He]0-my beautiful girl pushes forward , but this time [I]1191-me hear a clear , harsh pull of breath . ‘[1191-me] [You]1191-me ’re going to come . ’[2813-john] [My]2813-john words come out on a quiet rush of breath . ‘ Not yet . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john watch as [his]2813-john eyes clench shut and [his]2813-john frown line trails the entire width of [his]2813-john brow , and [he]2813-john still maintains [his]2813-john steady pace . [He]2813-john is remarkably controlled , but [I]2813-john ’m moving fast to where [I]2813-john need to be . Just looking at that face has sent the spiralling rush of pressure descending downwards and now [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] worried that [I]2813-john ’ll break before [Jesse]306-jesse . [I]2813-john pant and rest [my]2813-john lips on [his]2813-john again . It ’s [me]2813-john who teases this time , and [he]2813-john eagerly accepts , [his]2813-john tongue darting into [my]2813-john mouth and mimicking [my]2813-john big sweeping circles . [His]2813-john fingers dig into the backs of [my]2813-john thighs and lift [me]2813-john a little higher so [he]2813-john can get more leverage . [He]2813-john hits [me]2813-john firmly and yells into [my]2813-john mouth as [I]2813-john free [his]2813-john lips and take refuge in the crook of [his]2813-john neck on a supressed cry as [I]2813-john ’m attacked by feverish spasms . [He]2813-john ’s grinding firmly , retreating slowly , and flowing back in , so controlled . ‘[306-jesse] [Jesus fucking Christ]306-jesse , ’ [he]2813-john mumbles quietly , drawing back and striking precisely and expertly one last mind splitting time . ‘[306-jesse] [Jesse]306-jesse ! ’ [I]306-jesse latch onto [his]2813-john shoulder and bite down hard , while [I]306-jesse ride out the violent pulsations firing off all over [my]306-jesse body . [He]2813-john bucks , yells and squeezes [my]306-jesse thighs as [he]2813-john comes , the feeling of [his]2813-john scorching essence filling [me]306-jesse , warming [me]306-jesse , completing [me]306-jesse . [I]306-jesse ’m[306-jesse] light headed and limp , but oddly feel stronger than ever before . [His]2813-john face is buried in [my]2813-john neck , [mine]2813-john in [his]2813-john , and despite the calmness of that whole lovemaking session , the ending was n’t a calm roll over into orgasm , and it was n’t a frenzied rush to explosion . [We]1192-we just found [our]1192-we middle ground — a mixture of pure , gentle [Jesse]306-jesse , and the dominant sex Lord [I]2813-john love . ‘ That was perfect . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john whisper in [his]2813-john ear . [I]2813-john really need to hold [him]2813-john , but [I]2813-john do n’t need to ask . [He]2813-john ’s already grasping [me]2813-john with one arm and reaching across with the other to undo [me]2813-john . [He]2813-john then swaps arms and releases [my]2813-john other hand . In spite of the slight ache and lack of life in [my]2813-john limbs , [they]1193-they still find [their]1193-they way around [Jesse]306-jesse ’s strong shoulders . [I]2813-john smother [him]2813-john completely , [my]2813-john thighs tightening and [my]2813-john cheek resting on [his]2813-john shoulders as [he]2813-john carries [me]2813-john over to the bed and takes [us]1194-our down , [me]2813-john beneath [him]2813-john . The cool satin is a welcome sensation across [my]2813-john hot , clammy back , and it does n’t escape [my]2813-john notice that [he]2813-john is n’t spreading [his]2813-john full weight all over [me]2813-john , instead opting to hold [himself]2813-john up slightly across [my]2813-john tummy . ‘ Do [you]2813-john like [[our]1194-our room]3348-our room ? ’[2813-john] [he]2813-john asks into [my]2813-john hair . [I]2813-john smile up at the ceiling . ‘ Are [we]1194-our going to have a cradle put in here ? [You]2813-john know , for when [we]1194-our bring [[our]1194-our baby]1069-our baby to [The Manor]226-the manor . ’[2813-john] [My]2813-john question is enough to plant the seed , and judging by the stilling of [his]2813-john heaving body , [my]2813-john seed has settled well . [He]2813-john slowly pulls [himself]2813-john up and shifts to [my]2813-john side , resting the side of [his]2813-john head in [his]2813-john palm on [his]2813-john propped elbow . [His]2813-john fingertip starts circling around [my]2813-john bellybutton while [he]2813-john studies [me]2813-john . ‘ [Sarcasm]137-sarcasm does n’t suit [you]2813-john , [lady]2813-john . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john put on [my]2813-john most innocent face . [I]2813-john know it wo n’t make a jot of difference . [He]2813-john ’s cottoned right on to [my]2813-john little dig . ‘ Just a question . ’[2813-john] [His]2813-john eyebrows slowly rise and serious eyes skate down [my]2813-john body to watch the slow rotations of [his]2813-john finger . ‘ [You]2813-john have a bump . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john shrink further into the mattress on an offended snort . ‘ Do n’t be stupid ! [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] barely pregnant . ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m not being stupid . ’[2813-john] [His]2813-john hand flattens and strokes softly . ‘ It ’s faint , but it ’s there . ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john leans down and kisses [my]2813-john belly before propping [his]2813-john head on [his]2813-john bent arm again . ‘ [I]2813-john know this body , and [I]2813-john know it ’s changing . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john frown and look down and [my]2813-john stomach , but it looks perfectly flat to [me]2813-john . [He]2813-john ’s seeing things now . ‘ Whatever [you]1195-you say , [Jesse]306-jesse . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m not arguing after that perfect moment , even if [I]2813-john do want to slap [him]2813-john for insinuating that [I]2813-john ’ve put on weight . [He]2813-john leans down again and gets [his]2813-john mouth up close to [my]2813-john abdomen . ‘[2813-john] See , peanut ? [[Your]1195-you mother]60-sarah ’s learning who has the power . ’ ‘[60-sarah] No peanut ! ’ [I]1195-you throw [my]1195-you head up and lob [him]2813-john a mighty scowl . [He]2813-john ’s grinning at [me]1195-you . ‘[1195-you] Think of another name . [You]1195-you ’re not referring to [[our]3361-our child]1069-our baby as something disgusting that [you]1195-you obsess about and devour daily . ’[1195-you] ‘ [I]1195-you obsess about [you]1195-you . [I]1195-you also devour [you]1195-you daily . But [I]1195-you ca n’t call [[our]3361-our baby]1069-our baby a defiant little temptress . ’[1195-you] ‘ No , that would be wrong . But [you]1195-you could call [it baby]1069-our baby . ’[1195-you] It ’s [me]2813-john who ’s grinning now . [He]1197-his jumps up and straddles [my]2813-john hips , pinning [my]2813-john wrists down , but still not resting [himself]1197-his on [my]2813-john stomach . ‘ Let [me]1197-his call [our]3361-our baby peanut . ’[1197-his] ‘ Never . ’[1197-his] ‘ Sense fuck ? ’[1197-his] ‘ Yes please . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john reply way too hopefully , [my]2813-john grin widening . [He]1197-his laughs and kisses [me]2813-john chastely . ‘ [Pregnancy]132-pregnancy ’s making [you]1195-you a monster . Come on . [[My]1197-his wife]2962-your wife and peanut must be hungry . ’[1197-his] ‘ [[Your]1195-you wife]2962-your wife and [baby]306-jesse are very hungry . ’[1197-his] [His]1197-his greens twinkle and [he]1197-his pulls [me]2813-john up from the bed , dressing [me]2813-john first before [he]1197-his pulls [his]1197-his own boxers , trousers and shirt on . [I]2813-john step into [his]1197-his chest and remove [his]1197-his hands from [his]1197-his collar , taking over the fastening of [his]1197-his buttons while [he]1197-his watches [me]2813-john quietly . Reaching around [his]1197-his back to tuck [his]1197-his shirt into [his]1197-his trousers , [my]2813-john cheek rests on [his]1197-his chest as [I]2813-john take [my]2813-john time making [him]1197-his look presentable . ‘ Belt ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ask , as [I]2813-john pull away from [him]1197-his . [He]1197-his stoops down and retrieves it from the floor , handing it to [me]2813-john on an amused smile . [I]2813-john take it , returning [his]1197-his smile , and start feeding it through the loops of [his]1197-his trousers and buckling it up . ‘ [You]2813-john ’re[2813-john] done . ’ ‘[2813-john] No [I]2813-john ’m not . ’[1197-his] [He]1197-his nods at [his]1197-his shoes . ‘ If [you]2813-john ’re[1197-his] going to do a job , do it properly . ’ [I]1198-lord ignore [his]1197-his insolence , instead pushing [him]1197-his down so [he]1197-his ’s sitting on the end of the bed . [I]1198-lord kneel in front of [him]1197-his , resting [my]1198-lord bum on [my]1198-lord heels and start putting [his]1197-his socks on for [him]1197-his . ‘[1198-lord] Is this okay for [you]1198-lord , [Lord]1198-lord ? ’ [I]1198-lord yank at a few of the dark blonde hairs at the bottom of [his]1197-his shins . [He]1197-his jerks . ‘[1198-lord] Fuck ! ’ [he]1197-his reaches down and rubs [his]1197-his shin . ‘[1198-lord] There was no need for that . ’ ‘[1198-lord] Do n’t be cheeky . ’ [I]1198-lord retort dryly , placing [his]1197-his shoes at [his]1197-his feet before pushing [myself]1198-lord up . [He]1197-his slips [his]1197-his feet in and stands , grabbing [his]1197-his jacket and stuffing [his]1197-his tie in the pocket , all the time frowning at [me]1198-lord . ‘[1198-lord] [You]1198-lord really are a monster . ’ [I]1198-lord smile sweetly , prompting [his]1197-his frown to iron out and [his]1197-his lips to twitch . ‘[1198-lord] Ready ? ’ [I]53-mario ask . [He]1197-his shakes [his]1197-his head and takes [my]53-mario hand , leading [me]53-mario from [[our]3365-our room]3348-our room and down to [the bar]2773-the bar . [I]53-mario ’m[53-mario] placed on [my]2813-john usual stool , and [Mario]53-mario is with is in a heartbeat . ‘ [Mrs Ward]72-mrs ward ! ’[53-mario] [His]53-mario cheerful accented voice draws the usual response from [me]2813-john . [I]2813-john smile . ‘ [Mario]53-mario , it ’s [Ava]536-ava . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john scorn [him]53-mario lightly . ‘ How are [you]1199-you ? ’[2813-john] ‘ Ah ! ’[53-mario] [He]53-mario flips a bar towel over [his]53-mario shoulder and leans forward . ‘ [I]53-mario ’m[53-mario] very well . What would [you]1199-you like ? ’ ‘[1199-you] Two waters , ’ [Jesse]306-jesse interjects swiftly . ‘[1199-you] Just two waters please , [Mario]53-mario . ’ [I]53-mario flip critical eyes straight to [[my]53-mario husband]420-my husband , who has sat [himself]53-mario on the stool next to [me]53-mario . ‘[53-mario] [I]2813-john might like some wine with [my]2813-john dinner . ’ [He]53-mario ’s not at all perturbed by [my]1199-you reproachful glare . In fact , [he]53-mario does n’t even look at [me]1199-you . ‘[1199-you] [You]1199-you might , but [you]1199-you ’re not having any . Two waters , [Mario]53-mario . ’[53-mario] This time [he]53-mario ’s not asking [[his]53-mario head barman]1200-his head barman , [he]53-mario ’s ordering , and judging by [Mario]53-mario ’s wary eyes that are flicking between [us]1201-us , [he]53-mario ’s not going to offer [me]2813-john a choice again . [He]53-mario scoots straight off to the row of fridges lining the back of [the bar]2773-the bar , while [I]2813-john glare at [Jesse]306-jesse , but [he]53-mario still refuses to face [me]2813-john , instead signalling [Pete]95-lusso over . ‘ Two steaks , [Pete]95-lusso . One medium , one well done . No blood , whatsoever . ’[95-lusso] The confusion in [Pete]95-lusso ’s face is obvious , and the disbelieving look on [mine]2813-john must be clear , too . ‘ [Urhh]138-urhh … yes , [Mr Ward]306-jesse . Salad and new potatoes ? ’[95-lusso] [Pete]95-lusso asks . [His]95-lusso puzzled eyes have drifted across to [my]2813-john dumbstruck face , [I]2813-john can feel them on [me]2813-john , but [I]2813-john ’m too busy staring at [[my]2813-john impossible husband]3369-my impossible husband to acknowledge [him]3369-my impossible husband . ‘[2813-john] Yes , just make sure one steak is thoroughly cooked . ’ [Jesse]306-jesse accepts the bottled water from [Mario]53-mario and starts pouring [mine]2813-john into a glass . ‘[2813-john] Is there egg in that salad dressing ? ’ [I]2813-john actually choke on a cough , not that it makes a bit of difference . [He]3369-my impossible husband ’s just looking at [Pete]95-lusso with [an expectant raised brow]3370-an expectant raised brow . [Poor Pete]95-lusso has no idea what ’s going on . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m not sure . Should [I]2813-john check ? ’[2813-john] ‘ Yes , if there is , leave the salad with the well - cooked steak un - dressed . ’[2813-john] ‘ Okay , [Mr Ward]306-jesse . ’[53-mario] [Mario]53-mario backs away , as does [Pete]95-lusso , and [we]1203-we ’re alone at [the bar]2773-the bar , [me]95-lusso in a stunned silence and [Jesse]306-jesse busying [himself]95-lusso with water pouring duties to avoid facing [[his]95-lusso astonished wife]3370-an expectant raised brow . [He]95-lusso knows that [I]95-lusso ’m[95-lusso] gawking at [him]95-lusso , [he]95-lusso damn well knows it . [I]2813-john turn [myself]2813-john back to [the bar]2773-the bar , all calm and unruffled , but [I]2813-john ’m quietly raging . [He]95-lusso just ca n’t help [himself]95-lusso . ‘[2813-john] If [you]1205-you do n’t go to [that kitchen]1206-that kitchen , change [my]2813-john order and get [me]2813-john a glass of wine , then [I]2813-john ’m one step closer to moving in with [[my]2813-john parents]2767-my parents for the rest of this pregnancy . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john know [he]95-lusso ’s looking at [me]2813-john now . [I]2813-john can feel [his]95-lusso shocked greens burning a hole in [my]2813-john profile . [I]2813-john take [my]2813-john glass of water and slowly turn [my]2813-john face to [his]95-lusso . ‘ [You]1205-you are not trampling [my]2813-john diet , [Ward]306-jesse . ’[2813-john] ‘ [You]1205-you ’ve already got [yourself]1205-you pissed while [you]1205-you were pregnant . ’[95-lusso] [he]95-lusso spits quietly . [He]95-lusso ’s not happy , but neither am [I.]2813-john ‘ [I]2813-john was mad with [you]1205-you . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john still sound calm , but now [I]2813-john feel guilty , too . [His]95-lusso eyebrows shoot up . ‘ So [you]1205-you thought [you]1205-you would take it out on [[my]95-lusso baby]727-my baby ? ’[95-lusso] [I]2813-john soak up the resentment pouring from [him]95-lusso . ‘ [You]1205-you keep saying [[my]2813-john baby]727-my baby . It ’s [ours]3374-ours . ’[2813-john] ‘ That ’s what [I]2813-john meant ! ’[2813-john] ‘ [You]1205-you ’re[2813-john] not worried about [me]2813-john , then ? It ’s not [my]2813-john safety anymore ? ’ [I]2813-john watch [him]95-lusso carefully , weighing up [his]95-lusso reaction to [my]2813-john words . [I]2813-john ’ve shocked [him]95-lusso because [he]95-lusso ’s not coming back with a counter attack . [He]95-lusso ’s just severely chomping on that bottom lip , [his]95-lusso mind ’s cogs racing at a million miles per hour . [He]95-lusso finally sags , swinging away from [me]2813-john on [his]95-lusso stool , [his]95-lusso hands diving straight into [his]95-lusso messy array of dark blonde . ‘[2813-john] Fucking hell , ’ [he]95-lusso curses quietly . ‘[2813-john] Fucking , fuck , fuck , fuck ! ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john mean it , [Jesse]306-jesse . ’ [I]306-jesse reinforce [my]306-jesse threat . [I]306-jesse need [him]95-lusso to know that [I]306-jesse ’m[306-jesse] not setting [myself]2813-john up for this . [I]2813-john was wrong to go out and get [myself]2813-john pissed up , aware that [I]2813-john ’m pregnant , but it was only a result of what [this man]95-lusso does to [me]2813-john — what [this man]95-lusso spikes in [me]2813-john . [I]2813-john wo n’t be getting pissed again , but a small glass of red wine wo n’t hurt and a half cooked steak is harmless . Do n’t even get [me]2813-john started on the eggs . [I]2813-john see [his]95-lusso eyes clench shut and [he]95-lusso takes a deep breath before turning towards [my]2813-john calm face . [He]95-lusso takes [my]2813-john water and places it on [the bar]2773-the bar , and then holds [my]2813-john hands in [his]95-lusso . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m sorry . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john very nearly fall off [my]2813-john stool . ‘ [You]2813-john are ? ’[2813-john] There is no escaping the shock in [my]2813-john voice . Even if [I]2813-john was threatening [him]1207-he with confidence , [I]2813-john had absolutely no faith that [he]1207-he would take any notice of [me]2813-john . ‘ [I]1207-he am . [I]1207-he ’m[1207-he] sorry . This is going to take some getting used to . ’ [I]306-jesse laugh . ‘[306-jesse] [Jesse]306-jesse , this is hard enough to cope with , without dealing with [an enhanced control freak]1208-an enhanced control freak . It ’s not something [I]2813-john planned or even considered . [I]2813-john do n’t need [you]1209-you on [my]2813-john case , analysing every move [I]2813-john make , monitoring everything that passes [my]2813-john lips . Please do n’t make this tougher than it already is . ’ [I]2813-john started on a laugh , but that little speech just ended completely seriously . [I]2813-john mean every word , and [he]1207-he knows it . [His]1207-he sorry eyes confirm it . [I]2813-john know [he]1207-he ca n’t help it , but [he]1207-he must . [I]2813-john need to work heavily on some reassurance , and then perhaps [he]1207-he might ease up . It ’s an ambitious thought when [he]1207-he ’s hardly learnt to control [his]1207-he challenging ways when it comes to only [me]2813-john . [I]2813-john let out an almighty sigh and stand up , positioning [myself]2813-john between [his]1207-he legs . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john want [[my]2813-john baby]306-jesse to have [a daddy]1211-a daddy . Please , try to reduce the risk of a stress induced heart attack by chilling out a little . ’ [I]139-hmmm kiss every part of [his]1207-he face that [I]139-hmmm can lay [my]139-hmmm lips on , and [he]1207-he lets [me]139-hmmm . ‘[139-hmmm] [Hmmm]139-hmmm . [I]2813-john ’ll work on it , [baby]306-jesse . [I]2813-john ’m really trying , but can [we]3376-we at least compromise ? ’[2813-john] ‘ Compromise how ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john feel [his]1211-a daddy hand slide onto [my]2813-john head and grasp [my]2813-john hair , pulling [my]2813-john busy lips away from [him]1211-a daddy . [He]1211-a daddy pouts . ‘ Please do n’t drink . ’[1211-a daddy] [His]1211-a daddy eyes are pleading with [me]2813-john , and [I]2813-john realise all too quickly how important it is to [him]1211-a daddy . [He]1211-a daddy ’s [a recovering alcoholic]3174-a recovering alcoholic , even if [he]1211-a daddy wo n’t admit it . For [me]2813-john to chuck alcohol down [my]2813-john throat in normal circumstances would be thoughtless . While [I]2813-john ’m carrying [[his]1211-a daddy baby]3023-his baby would be way past that . It would be cruel . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john wo n’t . ’ [I]2813-john agree , and the relieved look that washes over [his]1211-a daddy face makes [me]2813-john feel awful . Really really awful . ‘[2813-john] Go and get [me]2813-john a medium cooked steak . ’ [I]2813-john peck [his]1211-a daddy lips and pull out of [his]1211-a daddy hold , placing [myself]2813-john back on [my]2813-john stool . ‘[2813-john] And [I]2813-john ’d like that dressing on [my]2813-john salad . ’ [I]2813-john nod past [him]1211-a daddy . [He]1211-a daddy gives [my]2813-john cheek a quick stroke and leaves [me]2813-john at [the bar]2773-the bar to go and fulfil [his]1211-a daddy obligation of getting [[his]1211-a daddy pregnant wife]3379-his pregnant wife a medium cooked steak . As [my]2813-john eyes wander around [the bar]2773-the bar , [I]2813-john immediately notice that it ’s busy , something [I]2813-john was oblivious to when [Jesse]306-jesse brought [me]2813-john in [here]2799-here and while [we]3381-we were busy sniping at [each other]3052-each other , and subsequently making [friends]390-friends . Did [they]390-friends hear anything ? Oh God , have [we]3381-we just revealed to a bar full of members that [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] expecting ? [My]2813-john eyes flick across [various groups]1213-various groups , all drinking and chatting , but the curious interest that always surrounds [me]2813-john when [I]2813-john ’m here is ever present . [I]2813-john spot [Natasha]140-natasha in the corner with voice one and voice three , and [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] mortified when [her]1214-her eyes drop to [my]2813-john stomach . [My]2813-john face heats , and [I]2813-john swing back towards [the bar]2773-the bar , hastily escaping [her]1214-her inquisitive , intent look . It ’s so easy to forget there ’s a world happening around [us]1216-we when [we]1216-we ’re so wrapped up in each other , whether [we]1216-we ’re[1216-we] arguing , making [friends]390-friends or just plain getting [our]1216-we fix of each other . ‘ Evening , [Ava]536-ava . ’[83-drew] [Drew]83-drew ’s reserved tone pulls [my]2813-john attention in [his]83-drew direction , and [I]2813-john ’m more than thrown to find [him]83-drew in jeans . [He]83-drew has a formal shirt tucked in and [his]83-drew black hair is perfectly placed , as usual , but jeans ? ‘[2813-john] Hi , ’ [I]2813-john ca n’t help [my]2813-john eyes making repeat up and down motions over [his]83-drew body , and when [he]83-drew shifts uncomfortably , [I]2813-john realise that [he]83-drew ’s caught [me]2813-john making [my]2813-john examinations . [I]2813-john quickly snap [myself]2813-john out of [my]2813-john rude observations . ‘[2813-john] How are [you]1218-you ? ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m good . And [you]1218-you ? ’[83-drew] [He]83-drew nods at [Mario]53-mario , who promptly collects a beer from a fridge and delivers it to [Drew]83-drew . ‘ Great , ’[83-drew] ‘ Oh , congratulations , ’[83-drew] [he]83-drew raises [his]83-drew bottle and takes a swing . [I]2813-john gape at [him]83-drew . [He]83-drew knows , too ? ‘ Never thought [I]83-drew ’d see the day . ’[83-drew] [He]83-drew shakes [his]83-drew head . ‘ Yes ! ’[53-mario] [Mario]53-mario sings . ‘ [A baby]2851-a baby ! ’[53-mario] [My]2813-john exhale of exasperation is loud , just as [I]2813-john intended it to be . [I]2813-john hope it reached the ears of [[my]2813-john darling husband]1219-my darling husband in [the kitchen]3044-the kitchen , where [he]83-drew ’s ensuring [my]2813-john steak is pink in the middle . ‘ Thank [you]2851-a baby , ’[83-drew] is all [I]2813-john can think to say . That is until [Jesse]306-jesse walks back into [the bar]2773-the bar , and [I]2813-john start mentally preparing [my]2813-john words as [he]83-drew walks towards [me]2813-john . [He]83-drew gets in first , though . ‘ Just remember , none of [our]3385-our business . ’[83-drew] ‘ What ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john frown at [him]83-drew as [he]83-drew gives [me]2813-john a warning look , which would be fine , if [I]2813-john knew why [I]2813-john was receiving a warning . ‘ What are [you]3386-you talking about ? ’[83-drew] [He]83-drew rolls [his]83-drew eyes and grabs [his]83-drew water from [the bar]2773-the bar , and then [I]2813-john see [them]1222-them . [Sam]2844-sam and [Kate]2774-kate . Chapter 16 ‘ What the hell ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john jump up from [my]2813-john stool , only to be placed back on it before [I]2813-john can launch into [my]2813-john rant . ‘ [Ava]536-ava , ’[83-drew] [His]83-drew tone is clipped and stern , not that [I]2813-john ’ll take any notice , but then it very quickly occurs to [me]2813-john that [Sam]2844-sam is oblivious to [Kate]2774-kate ’s straying ways , as is [Jesse]306-jesse , so [I]2813-john aim [my]2813-john aggravation at [[my]2813-john husband]222-this man instead . ‘ Who else have [you]222-this man told ? ’[83-drew] [His]83-drew warning face soon drops . ‘ A few . ’[2813-john] [My]2813-john lips purse . ‘ [You]222-this man ’ve told [everyone]2825-everyone , have n’t [you]222-this man ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ca n’t believe [this man]222-this man . [[My]2813-john poor parents]1224-grandparents do n’t even know that [they]1224-grandparents ’re going to be [grandparents]1224-grandparents yet . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john might have . ’ ‘[306-jesse] [Jesse]306-jesse , ’ [I]306-jesse moan , completely deflated . [His]83-drew adorable face takes the edge off [my]306-jesse irritation slightly , and then [he]83-drew shrugs guiltily , completely diminishing the rest of [my]306-jesse exasperation . ‘[306-jesse] Can [we]1225-we visit [my]2813-john in - laws this weekend ? ’ [he]83-drew asks quietly . ‘[306-jesse] Well , yes . [We]1225-we ’d better before news travels and makes it to [Cornwall]15-cornwall before [we]1225-we do . ’ [He]83-drew grins at [me]1226-my and stoops down to seal [our]1225-we mouths , [his]83-drew hand landing on [my]1226-my stomach and caressing [my]1226-my non - bump , while [his]83-drew tongue caresses [my]1226-my mouth . ‘[1226-my] [You]1226-my make [me]2813-john [a very happy man]1227-my man , [Mrs Ward]72-mrs ward . ’ ‘[72-mrs ward] That ’s because [I]2813-john ’m letting [you]1226-my trample all over [me]2813-john at the moment . ’[2813-john] ‘ No , it ’s because [you]1226-my ’re[2813-john] beautiful , spirited , and all [mine]2813-john . ’ ‘[1227-my man] [[My]2813-john Man]1227-my man ! ’ [Sam]2844-sam ’s happy greeting distracts [us]1225-we from [our]1225-we moment . [He]2844-sam claps [Jesse]306-jesse ’s shoulder and stands [me]2813-john up , looking [me]2813-john up and down . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john can tell , ’ [he]2844-sam says , staring at [my]2813-john tummy before lifting [his]2844-sam sparkling blues . ‘[2813-john] [You]1227-my man ’ve got that healthy glow about [you]1227-my man . ’ [I]1227-my man actually laugh , and [I]1227-my man ’m[1227-my man] dying to ask if any of [these happy well - wishers]1228-these happy well - wishers know of the circumstances surrounding [my]2813-john pregnancy . ‘ That ’s funny because [I]2813-john mostly feel like shit . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john quip . ‘ Mouth , [Ava]536-ava ! ’[306-jesse] [Jesse]306-jesse snaps , but [I]2813-john snub [him]306-jesse and move past [Sam]2844-sam to take [Kate]2774-kate ’s hand . ‘ Let ’s sit over in the corner . ’[2774-kate] [I]2813-john smile sweetly and lead [her]2774-kate away from [the bar]2773-the bar . [Her]2774-kate pale face is cautious , and it bloody well should be , but [she]2774-kate does n’t resist , letting [me]2813-john direct [her]2774-kate away from [the men]241-the men to a little table in the quietest part of [the busy bar]2773-the bar . [I]2813-john practically push [her]2774-kate into a chair . ‘ Okay , [Matthews]2774-kate . Spill . ’[2813-john] [We]1231-we ’ve got way past the fun excuses , so [she]2774-kate ’d better not even try . Not now [[my]2813-john brother]71-my brother is involved , even if [I]2813-john do n’t particularly like [him]71-my brother at the moment . ‘ So , ’[2774-kate] [she]2774-kate begins , all chirpy and unfazed by [my]2813-john sharp order , ‘ It ’s official then ? ’[2774-kate] ‘ What ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john sit down opposite [her]2774-kate . ‘ [The baby]2774-kate , ’[2774-kate] [she]2774-kate nods at [my]2813-john stomach . ‘ [You]2774-kate ’re[2774-kate] not getting rid of it . ’ ‘[2774-kate] [Kate]2774-kate ! ’ [I]2774-kate blurt on a shocked whisper , making a quick check of the nearby tables . [We]3388-we ’re[2774-kate] safe , but [her]2774-kate hard - hearted words have hit a nerve and for the first time since all of this sank in , [my]2813-john hand rests on [my]2813-john tummy protectively . And [I]2813-john feel untold guilt . [She]2774-kate smiles . ‘ [Ava]536-ava , [I]2813-john knew [you]2813-john ’d never see that through . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m a little speechless . ‘[2813-john] Why did n’t [you]2813-john tell [me]2813-john sooner ? ’ ‘[2813-john] [You]2813-john needed to figure it out . ’ [She]2774-kate looks across to [the men , who are all chatting at [the bar]2773-the bar]3389-the men , who are all chatting at the bar . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john do n’t get [him]2813-john , but look at that face . ’ [she]2774-kate says , smiling fondly at [Jesse]306-jesse . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john was a breath away from telling [him]2813-john , [Ava]536-ava . ’ [I]2813-john knew [she]2774-kate would be . [I]2813-john follow [her]2774-kate eyes and see [a very happy man]1227-my man , but [he]2813-john ’s always happy when [we]3392-we ’re[2813-john] together , or [he]2813-john ’s always happy when [I]2813-john ’m conceding to [him]2813-john and [his]2813-john impossible ways . Whichever , [I]2813-john ca n’t deny how happy it makes [me]2813-john to see [him]2813-john like this and to know it ’s [me]2813-john who does it — [me]2813-john and now [his]2813-john little peanut , too . [Jesse]306-jesse catches [my]2813-john eye and flips [me]2813-john a wink , sending a comforting , warm shot of contentment deep into [my]2813-john heart , but then [I]2813-john remember that [I]2813-john have [a friend]1001-a friend with some explaining to do . ‘[2813-john] Hey ! ’ [I]2813-john blurt across the table . ‘[2813-john] It ’s time to explain [yourself]1233-you . ’ [Kate]2774-kate returns [her]2774-kate body forward and gives [me]2813-john a tired look . [I]2813-john do n’t appreciate it . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’ve told [[your]1233-you brother]419-your brother to go back to [Australia]4-australia . ’ ‘[2813-john] Oh ? ’ [I]419-your brother lean forward , utterly rapt by this news . ‘[419-your brother] And is [he]419-your brother ? ’ [She]1235-she shrugs . ‘[419-your brother] [I]2813-john do n’t know , but [I]2813-john have n’t heard from [him]419-your brother since Saturday . ’ ‘[419-your brother] [I]2813-john knew [he]419-your brother was there . ’ [I]419-your brother ’m[419-your brother] scowling . ‘ What happened ? ’[1235-she] ‘ [Sam]2844-sam happened . ’[1235-she] [she]1235-she answers quietly . ‘ It ’s not ideal , but [we]1238-we ’re[1235-she] going to work on it . ’ ‘[1233-you] [You]1233-you mean [The Manor]917-this place ? ’ ‘[1233-you] Well , yeah . ’ ‘[1233-you] Then why are [you]1233-you [here]2799-here now ? ’ [I]1238-we ask . If [they]3394-they are working on eradicating [The Manor]917-this place and all things kink from [their]3394-they relationship , then would n’t it make sense to avoid [this place]917-this place ? ‘[1238-we] [We]1238-we ’re having a drink . ’[1238-we] ‘ But wo n’t [you]1233-you be tempted to … ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john can feel [myself]2813-john burning red , and [I]2813-john could kick [myself]2813-john for it . ‘ [you]1233-you know … ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john look up at the ceiling . ‘ get [your]1233-you fix ? ’[2774-kate] [Kate]2774-kate bursts into a hysterical fit of laughter , [her]2774-kate palms hitting the table , making [me]2813-john jump back . ‘ Oh , [Ava]536-ava . Considering [you]1233-you ’re[2774-kate] married to [the man who owns [this place]917-this place]1239-the man who owns this place , [your]1241-i primness is laughable . ’ ‘[1241-i] Clearly , ’ [I]1241-i scoff , a little offended . [I]1241-i am not prim . [She]2774-kate gets [her]2774-kate laughter under control and smiles fondly at [me]1241-i . [I]1241-i might not be delighted by [her]2774-kate humour , but [I]1241-i ’m[1241-i] more than happy to see [her]2774-kate back to [her]2774-kate old self . ‘ [We]3395-we ’re[2774-kate] only going to have sex with each other from now on . ’ [Her]2774-kate face is somewhere between amusement and complete seriousness — amusement because [I]2813-john know [my]2813-john mouth has just fallen open , and seriousness because [I]2813-john know that despite [her]2774-kate open - mindedness and blasé approach to [her]2774-kate relationship with [Sam]2844-sam , [she]2774-kate really likes [him]2844-sam , and that has never happened . [I]2813-john close [my]2813-john gaping mouth . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m happy for [you]2813-john . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m ecstatic , in fact . ‘[2813-john] So why are [you]2813-john [here]2799-here again ? ’ ‘[2813-john] There are [private suites]2795-private suites . ’ [She]2774-kate grins . ‘[2813-john] [[Your]2813-john bedroom]1244-your bedroom is private ! ’ ‘[2813-john] It is , but it ’s not … ’ [her]2774-kate grin widens . ‘[2813-john] furnished suitably . ’ [My]2813-john lips clamp shut , [my]2813-john eyes widen … and [I]2813-john laugh . Holy shit , the filthy little minx ! ‘[2813-john] [You]2813-john have no shame . ’ [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] really laughing , tears and all . It feels so good to be sharing this with [[my]2813-john fiery friend]280-my fiery friend , even if the topic up for discussion is a million miles away from what [either of [us]1247-us]1246-either of us would have guessed [we]1247-us ’d be chuckling about just a few months ago . [Plush sex clubs]1248-plush sex clubs , [The Lord of [the Sex Manor]2814-the sex manor]3127-the lord of the sex manor — to whom [I]2813-john ’m now married and with whom [I]1251-a child ’m[1251-a child] having [a child]1251-a child — and sexy , cute members of [said Manor]2814-the sex manor , one of which [Kate]2774-kate is experimenting with . [My]2813-john life has turned upside down and inside out . ‘ [I]2813-john ca n’t believe [you]2813-john . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john snort . ‘ And who have [you]2813-john and [Sam]2844-sam invited to play ? Before [you]2813-john made this new rule , [I]2774-kate mean . ’[2774-kate] [Her]2774-kate blue eyes dance in delight . ‘ [A certain dashing , black haired moody type]3396-a certain dashing , black haired moody type . ’[2774-kate] ‘ No ! ’[2774-kate] [She]2774-kate nods with wide eyes . ‘ Just as moody in [the bedroom]663-the bedroom . It ’s hot ! ’[2774-kate] ‘ Fuck off ! ’[2774-kate] ‘ [I]2774-kate will not ! ’[2774-kate] [She]2774-kate measures out at least eight inches between [her]2774-kate palms . ‘ And [he]3396-a certain dashing , black haired moody type ’s fucking brilliant with it . ’[2774-kate] ‘ Oh God ! Stop ! ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john blurt on a hushed snort . [She]2774-kate falls back in [her]2774-kate chair and fights to keep [her]2774-kate laughter under control . ‘ [He]3396-a certain dashing , black haired moody type might be good , but [he]3396-a certain dashing , black haired moody type ca n’t match [Sam]2844-sam for stamina and skill . ’[2774-kate] [She]2774-kate sighs on a smile . ‘ And [he]3396-a certain dashing , black haired moody type does n’t make [me]2774-kate laugh like that adorable twat . ’[2774-kate] [I]2813-john ca n’t help the huge smile invading [my]2813-john face . [She]2774-kate ’s not said in as many words , but [she]2774-kate ’s just admitted to liking [Sam]2844-sam . [We]1252-we have a breakthrough , and [I]2813-john ’m so happy . ‘[1253-you] [You]1253-you do n’t know how pleased [I]2813-john am to finally hear [you]1253-you say that . ’ ‘[2813-john] Yes , [I]2813-john do . ’ [Kate]2774-kate retorts dryly , leaning across the table . ‘[2813-john] Let [me]2813-john just tell [you]1253-you one more thing , and then [we]1252-we speak no more of [Mr Moody]141-mr moody , okay ? ’ ‘[141-mr moody] Ooh , this sounds interesting . ’ [I]142-dish mirror [her]2774-kate pose , leaning in [myself]142-dish so [our]1252-we faces are only a few inches away from each other . ‘[142-dish] [Dish]142-dish . ’ ‘[141-mr moody] [He]141-mr moody has a piercing . ’ ‘[141-mr moody] Nipple ? ’ [I]141-mr moody ask , far too enthralled , but [she]2774-kate shakes [her]2774-kate head . [I]141-mr moody sit up straight and measure roughly eight inches between [my]141-mr moody palms . [She]2774-kate nods . ‘[141-mr moody] No ! ’ [I]141-mr moody look over to the reserved , stand - offish [Drew]83-drew , [my]141-mr moody eyes automatically dropping to [his]141-mr moody crotch . ‘[141-mr moody] [You]1253-you wo n’t see it through [his]141-mr moody jeans , [Ava]536-ava . ’ [Kate]2774-kate chuckles , and [I]536-ava ’m[536-ava] off again , too . Uncontrollable , belly clenching , might pee [my]2813-john knickers laughter . Through [my]2813-john tears , [I]2813-john see [Kate]2774-kate stick [her]2774-kate tongue in [her]2774-kate cheek . ‘ [I]2774-kate nearly cracked a tooth . ’[2774-kate] ‘ Please ! ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m falling all over [my]2813-john chair . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] helpless . ‘ Something funny ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john battle to pull [myself]2813-john together and wipe [my]2813-john eyes , looking up at [[my]2813-john Lord of [the Sex Manor]2814-the sex manor]2828-my lord of the sex manor , who ’s staring down at [[his]141-mr moody giggling wife]1256-his giggling wife with a bemused look plastered all over [his]141-mr moody face . ‘ No , nothing . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john bet [he]141-mr moody knew about this , which was why [he]141-mr moody persistently told [me]2813-john to mind [my]2813-john own business . [I]2813-john refuse to look at [her]2774-kate because [I]2813-john know [she]2774-kate ’s waiting for it , but [I]2813-john ’m not giving [her]2774-kate the chance to increase [my]2774-kate fit of laughter with a private quip or a funny look . [Jesse]306-jesse sits down next to [me]2774-kate . ‘[2774-kate] Here ’s [your]1257-your dinner . ’ [He]306-jesse signals [Pete]95-lusso , who ’s wandering over with a tray . ‘[2813-john] Ooh , [I]2813-john ’m starving . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john get [myself]2813-john comfy in [my]2813-john chair and smile a thanks when [my]2813-john steak is placed in front of [me]2813-john . ‘ Medium ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ask , shoving a potato straight in [my]2813-john mouth . [Pete]95-lusso smiles fondly . ‘ Just to [your]95-lusso liking , [Ava]536-ava . ’[95-lusso] [He]95-lusso hands [me]2813-john a knife and fork , and then sets [Jesse]306-jesse ’s plate down . ‘ Can [I]306-jesse get [you]95-lusso anything else , [sir]95-lusso ? ’[306-jesse] ‘ No , thanks , [Pete]95-lusso . ’[95-lusso] ‘ [I]2774-kate ’ll leave [you]95-lusso to eat . ’[2774-kate] [Kate]2774-kate makes to stand , but [I]2813-john wave [my]2813-john knife at [her]2774-kate . ‘ No , sit . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john munch [my]2813-john way through [my]2813-john spud . ‘ It ’s fine . Sit down . ’[2774-kate] [She]2774-kate lowers to the chair again . ‘ Okay , [you]95-lusso do n’t have to get all violent on [me]2774-kate . ’[2774-kate] [Jesse]306-jesse ’s hand is suddenly wrapped around [my]2813-john wrist and pulling it down to the table . ‘ Do n’t wave [your]95-lusso knife , [Ava]536-ava . ’[306-jesse] [he]306-jesse cautions harshly . [I]2813-john look at [my]2813-john knife , which is now safely set on the side of [my]2813-john plate . ‘ Sorry . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john start carving [my]2813-john way through [my]2813-john steak and sigh , long and satisfied as [I]2813-john plunge a piece into [my]2813-john mouth . ‘ Good ? ’[306-jesse] [Jesse]306-jesse asks , and [I]2813-john look at [him]306-jesse , finding a pleased beam around [his]306-jesse fork . ‘ As always , ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john confirm before returning [my]2813-john attention to [Kate]2774-kate , but [I]2813-john quickly realise that [our]1258-our new company is preventing any further questioning . In fact , [I]2813-john ca n’t think of anything to talk about now . All of the interesting stuff is now off the cards , even more so when [Sam]2844-sam and [Drew]83-drew join [us]1259-us . [My]2813-john chewing slows down , and [I]2813-john watch as [Drew]83-drew sits on one side of [Kate]2774-kate , and [Sam]2844-sam on the other . [I]2813-john ’ll never look at them the same again , and damn if [my]2813-john eyes wo n’t stop wandering into [Drew]83-drew ’s lap . A piercing ? And a piercing there ? [I]2813-john would never have thought , and [I]2813-john fail to prevent the small chuckle that spurts from [my]2813-john mouth around [my]2813-john mouthful of steak . [Kate]2774-kate catches [my]2813-john eyes and sticks [her]2774-kate tongue back in [her]2774-kate cheek . [I]2813-john choke . [I]2813-john ’m coughing and spluttering all over the place . [Jesse]306-jesse ’s cutlery hits [his]306-jesse plate and [his]306-jesse hand lands on [my]2774-kate back . [He]306-jesse starts smacking [me]2774-kate . ‘[2774-kate] Fucking hell , [woman]2774-kate . Slow down , it ’s not going to walk off [your]1260-your plate . ’ This does n’t help [me]2774-kate in the slightest . [I]2774-kate ’m[2774-kate] gasping for breath , trying to swallow down [my]2813-john half chewed piece of meat and through the tears that have sprung into [my]2813-john eyes , [I]2813-john can see [Sam]2844-sam and [Drew]83-drew staring at [me]2813-john with perplexed looks on [their]1261-their faces , and [[my]2813-john delinquent best friend]1262-my delinquent best friend with the biggest smirk spread across [her]2774-kate pale features . ‘ [I]2774-kate ’m[2774-kate] okay . ’ [I]2774-kate wheeze , coughing again to clear [my]2774-kate throat . ‘[2774-kate] Went down the wrong way . ’ ‘[2774-kate] Here , ’ [Jesse]306-jesse takes [my]2774-kate knife and fork and replaces them with a glass of water . ‘[2774-kate] Drink . ’ ‘[2774-kate] Thank [you]2774-kate , ’ [I]536-ava accept the glass and gulp it all down , striving to avoid [Kate]2774-kate across the table , but failing miserably . [Her]2774-kate mischievous mood is like a magnet to [my]536-ava vulnerable state . This time [she]2774-kate ’s mimicking a blowjob , [her]2774-kate fist casually wanking thin air in front of [her]2774-kate mouth . [I]536-ava spit [my]536-ava water across the table , all over [Drew]83-drew and [Sam]2844-sam , and [I]536-ava aim well because [I]536-ava catch [Kate]2774-kate , too . [Sam]2844-sam and [Drew]83-drew fly up from [their]3398-themselves chairs , but [Kate]2774-kate stays exactly where [she]2774-kate is , laughing . ‘[536-ava] Fucking hell , [Ava]536-ava . ’ [Jesse]306-jesse grabs a napkin . ‘[536-ava] What the hell is wrong with [you]536-ava ? ’ [He]306-jesse starts dabbing at [my]2813-john mouth while [I]2813-john fall apart all over [the place]2776-the place , hearing [Sam]2844-sam and [Drew]83-drew cursing to [themselves]3398-themselves and [Kate]2774-kate ’s continued giggles . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m sorry , ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john laugh . ‘ [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] so sorry . ’ [I]1263-i look at [Sam]2844-sam and [Drew]83-drew , both patting [themselves]3398-themselves down with napkins that [Mario]53-mario has brought over . [I]1263-i refuse to look at [Kate]2774-kate , but [I]1263-i do cast [my]1263-i eyes around the bar , finding half of [the occupants]2911-the occupants observing [my]1263-i little performance . ‘[1263-i] Are [you]1263-i okay ? ’ [Jesse]306-jesse ’s concerned voice drags [my]2813-john attention back to [him]306-jesse . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m sorry , ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john repeat [myself]2813-john . ‘ [I]2813-john do n’t know what ’s wrong with [me]2813-john . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john do , and the wicked cow is sat opposite [me]2813-john , silently willing [me]2813-john to look at [her]1264-her . [I]2813-john do n’t . [I]2813-john take [my]2813-john cutlery back and turn [my]2813-john eyes down to [my]2813-john plate , and that ’s where [I]2813-john ’ll be keeping [them]1265-them until [I]2813-john ’ve finished [my]2813-john dinner . [She]1264-her ’s loving this . [I]2813-john see [Sam]2844-sam lower back into [his]2844-sam chair opposite [me]2813-john . ‘ Is this what pregnancy does to [women]253-women ? ’[2844-sam] [he]2844-sam asks on a chuckle . ‘ It ’s better than mood swings . ’[2774-kate] [Kate]2774-kate snickers . ‘ Yeah , let [me]83-drew know when [they]1265-them start , ’[83-drew] [Drew]83-drew pipes up . ‘ [I]83-drew can handle being spat at , but [I]83-drew ’m[83-drew] not up for a tongue lashing . ’ Oh , [good Lord]3402-good lord ! [I]2813-john can feel [my]2813-john shoulders starting to jerk up and down , and [I]2813-john know [Kate]2774-kate is grinning at [me]2813-john again , but this time [I]2813-john control it . [I]2813-john keep [my]2813-john head down and work [my]2813-john way through the rest of [my]2813-john dinner . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john take it [you]2813-john ’re done ? ’[306-jesse] [Jesse]306-jesse says to [my]2813-john empty plate , pulling it away and handing it to [Pete]95-lusso . ‘ Hmm , ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john fall back in [my]2813-john chair . ‘ That was heaven . ’[2813-john] ‘ [We]1267-we can see . ’[83-drew] [Drew]83-drew ’s eyebrows are raised and following the clean plate to [Pete]95-lusso ’s tray . ‘ Say [your]2813-john goodbyes , [lady]2813-john . It ’s getting late . ’[306-jesse] [Jesse]306-jesse leans over the table and shakes hands with [the boys]1266-the boys before standing and giving [Kate]2774-kate a peck on the cheek . [I]2813-john join [him]95-lusso and lean down to kiss each of [[our]1267-we friends]866-our friends . ‘ Ring [me]2813-john , ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john whisper to [Kate]2774-kate as [I]2813-john pull away from [her]2774-kate cheek . ‘ [I]2774-kate will , ’[2774-kate] [she]2774-kate sings . As [we]1267-we exit [the bar]2773-the bar , [Jesse]306-jesse looks down at [me]2813-john with enquiring eyes . ‘ Gathered [yourself]2813-john together now , [Mrs Ward]72-mrs ward ? ’[306-jesse] [I]2813-john meet [his]306-jesse stare with a questioning look . ‘ [You]2813-john knew , did n’t [you]2813-john ? ’[2813-john] ‘ About what ? ’[2813-john] ‘ About [Kate]2774-kate , [Sam]2844-sam , and [Drew]83-drew . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john let [him]306-jesse guide [me]2813-john through [the entrance hall]425-the entrance hall , but keep [my]2813-john eyes on [his]306-jesse . There ’s no denying the flash of surprise that flies across [his]306-jesse face . ‘ Is that what [you]2813-john were laughing about ? [She]1271-she told [you]2813-john ? ’[1271-she] ‘ Yes , ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john confirm , wanting to add that [she]1271-she actually told [me]2813-john a lot more — a lot , lot more . ‘ Why did n’t [you]2813-john tell [me]1271-she ? ’[1271-she] ‘ And give [you]2813-john something to get [your]2813-john knickers in a twist over ? ’[306-jesse] [he]306-jesse jibes . ‘ [I]2813-john would n’t have . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john announce confidently , as [we]1272-we crunch [our]1272-we way across [the gravel]1273-the gravel . ‘ Shall [I]2813-john take [my]2813-john giant snowball ? ’[2813-john] ‘ No , [you]2813-john ’re[2813-john] coming with [me]2813-john . ’ [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] directed into [the passenger seat of [the DBS]150-the dbs]1274-the passenger seat of the dbs , but [I]2813-john do n’t say a word . [I]2813-john do n’t want to drive the humongous thing . [He]306-jesse starts the engine and cruises sensibly down [the driveway]3261-the driveway , and it ’s not until [I]2813-john feel [his]306-jesse hand rest over [mine]2813-john that [I]2813-john realise [mine]2813-john is laid flat on [my]2813-john stomach . [I]2813-john do n’t need visual validation that [he]306-jesse ’s looking at [me]2813-john , so [I]2813-john continue to watch the trees slowly passing the passenger window as [I]2813-john feel [his]306-jesse fingers lace through [mine]2813-john and squeeze gently . [I]2813-john smile to [myself]2813-john . This is just so right . Chapter 17 There ’s that familiar whirring again as [I]2813-john come awake . [I]2813-john sit up and immediately feel gut wrenchingly sick . Flopping back to [my]2813-john pillow on an enormous groan , [I]2813-john soon appreciate [my]2813-john error when [my]2813-john stomach turns , indicating that [I]2813-john have n’t got time to lay [here]2799-here and determine just how crap [I]2813-john feel . [I]2813-john ’m going to be sick . [I]2813-john dive from the bed , straight into [the bathroom]2800-the bathroom , where [I]2813-john just about make it to [the lovely toilet]2800-the bathroom before [I]2813-john decorate it with last night ’s dinner . ‘[2813-john] No , ’ [I]2813-john whine to [myself]2813-john as [I]2813-john yank at the roll of toilet paper . It does n’t feel so right now . [My]2813-john body is completely rejecting [my]2813-john contented thoughts . [I]2813-john hug the toilet for an age , [my]2813-john head resting on [my]2813-john arms as [I]2813-john fight off the sweats and moan under [my]2813-john breath to the empty space surrounding [me]2813-john . ‘[2813-john] Rubbish , ’ [I]2813-john grumble . ‘[2813-john] Why are [you]1277-you doing this to [me]2813-john ? ’ [I]1277-you look down at [my]1277-you stomach . ‘[1277-you] [You]1277-you ’re going to be challenging like [[your]1277-you father]2787-your father , are n’t [you]1277-you ? ’[1277-you] On a long , drawn out sigh , [I]2813-john pull [myself]2813-john up and go to [the bedroom]663-the bedroom , tugging on the nearest thing [I]2813-john can find , which happens to be [Jesse]306-jesse ’s discarded shirt from last night . [I]2813-john do n’t bother to try and make [myself]2813-john look better because [I]2813-john want [him]306-jesse to see [me]2813-john suffering . [I]2813-john go [downstairs]316-downstairs and meet [him]306-jesse as [he]306-jesse rounds the corner from [the gym]3297-the gym , looking all spectacular in [his]306-jesse running shorts with a towel draped across [his]306-jesse naked shoulders and [his]306-jesse hair a mess of damp locks all over [his]306-jesse glistening head . It makes [me]2813-john feel sicker . ‘ Oh [baby]306-jesse , ’[306-jesse] [he]306-jesse mumbles sympathetically . ‘ Crap ? ’[306-jesse] ‘ Terrible . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john try to pout , but [my]2813-john exhausted body wo n’t allow it . [I]2813-john ’m just standing in front of [him]306-jesse lifelessly , [my]2813-john arms hanging limply by [my]2813-john sides . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] feeling mighty sorry for [myself]2813-john . [He]306-jesse picks [me]2813-john up and carries [me]2813-john into [the kitchen]3044-the kitchen . ‘ [I]306-jesse was going to ask why [you]2813-john ’re[306-jesse] not naked . ’ ‘[306-jesse] Do n’t bother , ’ [I]306-jesse grumble . ‘[306-jesse] [I]2813-john ’ll throw up on [you]2813-john . ’ [He]306-jesse laughs and sits [me]2813-john on the worktop , brushing [my]2813-john wild mane from [my]2813-john pasty face . ‘[2813-john] [You]2813-john look beautiful . ’ ‘[2813-john] Do n’t lie to [me]2813-john , [Ward]306-jesse . [I]2813-john look like shit . ’ ‘[536-ava] [Ava]536-ava , ’ [he]2813-john scorns [me]536-ava gently . [I]536-ava do n’t apologise , mainly because [I]536-ava can barely muster up the energy to speak . ‘[536-ava] [You]2813-john need to eat . ’ [I]536-ava retch at the very thought of trying to get food into [my]536-ava stomach and shake [my]536-ava head pleadingly . [I]536-ava know that [I]536-ava ’m[536-ava] fighting a losing battle . [He]2813-john wo n’t leave [me]2813-john alone until [I]2813-john ’ve had some breakfast . [I]2813-john hear the front door open and close , and then the chirpy sounds of [Cathy]1284-cathy singing . All [I]2813-john have on is [Jesse]306-jesse ’s shirt , but [I]2813-john ca n’t even find the strength to be concerned by that , so [I]2813-john remain exactly where [I]2813-john am , unconcerned , unbothered and very unwell . ‘ Morning ! ’[1284-cathy] [she]1284-cathy sings at [us]1282-us as [she]1284-cathy places [her]1284-cathy huge carpet bag on [the worktop]3126-the worktop . ‘ Oh dear . Whatever is the matter ? ’[1284-cathy] [Jesse]306-jesse answers for [me]2813-john , which is a good job because [I]2813-john ’m incapable of speech . ‘[536-ava] [Ava]536-ava ’s not feeling too good . ’ [I]536-ava scoff at [his]536-ava understatement and direct [my]536-ava forehead straight to [his]536-ava chest . [I]536-ava feel positively dull — dead , even . ‘[536-ava] Oh , the dreaded morning sickness ? It ’ll pass . ’ [Cathy]1284-cathy declares , like [I]536-ava do n’t look like [I]536-ava ’m[536-ava] ready to keel over . [She]1284-cathy knows , too , then . ‘ Will it ? ’[1284-cathy] [I]2813-john garble into [Jesse]306-jesse ’s chest . ‘ When ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john feel [his]306-jesse hand stroking [my]2813-john back and [his]306-jesse mouth in [my]2813-john hair , kissing [me]2813-john dotingly , but [he]306-jesse remains silent . It ’s a good indication that [he]306-jesse would love to know the answer , too . ‘ It depends . [Boy]264-matt , [girl]264-matt , [mum]264-matt , [dad]264-matt . ’[1284-cathy] [she]1284-cathy says , and [I]2813-john hear [her]1284-cathy flick the kettle on . ‘ [Some women]778-some women have a few weeks of it , some struggle throughout the whole of [their]778-some women pregnancy . ’[1284-cathy] ‘ Oh God . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john howl . ‘ Do n’t say that . ’[2813-john] ‘ Shhh , ’[306-jesse] [Jesse]306-jesse hushes [me]2813-john and increases the rubs of [my]2813-john back . [I]2813-john ’m not even being [a baby]2851-a baby . It really is that bad . ‘[143-ginger] [Ginger]143-ginger ! ’ That one random word drags [my]143-ginger splattered face from [Jesse]306-jesse ’s wet torso . ‘[143-ginger] What ? ’ ‘[143-ginger] [Ginger]143-ginger ! ’ [she]1284-cathy repeats , rootling through [her]1284-cathy bag . [I]143-ginger look at [Jesse]306-jesse , but [he]306-jesse looks as equally confused . ‘[143-ginger] [You]1284-cathy need ginger , [dear]1284-cathy . ’ [She]1284-cathy pulls out a pack of ginger biscuits . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john came prepared . ’ [She]1284-cathy pushes [Jesse]306-jesse from in front of [me]2813-john and opens the packet , presenting [me]2813-john with a biscuit . ‘[2813-john] Have one every morning when [you]1284-cathy wake up . Works wonders ! Eat . ’ [I]1284-cathy wisely note that with [Jesse]306-jesse hovering in the background and with [Cathy]1284-cathy behaving all motherly , there ’s little point in refusing , so [I]1284-cathy take the biscuit and have a little nibble . ‘[1284-cathy] It ’ll settle [your]1284-cathy stomach . ’ [She]1284-cathy gives [me]2813-john one of [her]1284-cathy warm smiles and cups [my]2813-john cheek with [her]1284-cathy hand . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m so excited . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ca n’t match [her]1284-cathy enthusiasm , not when [I]2813-john ’m feeling like this , so [I]1285-the new boy smile weakly and let [Jesse]306-jesse place [me]1285-the new boy gently on a barstool . ‘[1285-the new boy] [The new boy]1285-the new boy gave [me]2813-john these , ’ [She]1284-cathy hands [Jesse]306-jesse a pile of post . ‘[1285-the new boy] [Cute little bugger]1286-cute little bugger , is n’t [he]1285-the new boy ? ’ That makes [me]1285-the new boy laugh , especially when [Jesse]306-jesse lets out a disgusted snort and snatches the envelopes from [her]1284-cathy wrinkles fingers . ‘[1285-the new boy] [He]1285-the new boy ’s very sweet . ’ [I]1285-the new boy confirm , suddenly finding the energy to form a whole sentence . ‘[1285-the new boy] But wo n’t [you]1285-the new boy miss [Clive]90-clive , [Cathy]1284-cathy ? ’ ‘[1284-cathy] Oh , not at all , ’ [She]1284-cathy gets the bagels out and holds them up , [Jesse]306-jesse and [I]1285-the new boy both nodding [our]3409-our acceptance . ‘[1285-the new boy] [He]1285-the new boy ’s taking [me]2813-john out this evening . ’ [I]1285-the new boy nudge [Jesse]306-jesse with [my]1285-the new boy elbow as [I]1285-the new boy nibble away at the edges of [my]1285-the new boy biscuit , but [I]1285-the new boy ’m[1285-the new boy] ignored . Instead of indulging [my]2813-john curious mind , [he]1285-the new boy starts opening [his]1285-the new boy post . ‘ That ’ll be nice . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john chirp . ‘ It will . ’[1284-cathy] [she]1284-cathy agrees , loading the toaster and fetching the eggs . [I]2813-john ’m happily chatting away to [Cathy]1284-cathy , eating [my]2813-john breakfast , listening to where [Clive]90-clive is taking [her]1284-cathy and filling [her]1284-cathy in on [my]2813-john recent bouts of sickness , when it strikes [me]2813-john that [Jesse]306-jesse has been silent for an eternity . [He]306-jesse also has n’t moved . And [his]306-jesse bagel is sitting untouched in front of [him]306-jesse . [I]2813-john push [his]306-jesse plate towards [him]306-jesse . ‘[2813-john] Eat [your]1287-your breakfast . ’ [He]306-jesse does n’t move , nor does [he]306-jesse acknowledge [me]306-jesse . ‘[306-jesse] [Jesse]306-jesse ? ’ [He]306-jesse looks like [he]306-jesse ’s in a trance . ‘[306-jesse] [Jesse]306-jesse , are [you]306-jesse okay ? ’ [He]306-jesse flips an envelope over and runs [his]306-jesse eyes across it . So do I. [Jesse Ward]306-jesse . Private and [Confidential]144-confidential ‘[306-jesse] What is that ? ’ [I]306-jesse ask . [He]306-jesse turns [his]306-jesse eyes to [mine]306-jesse . [They]3410-they are glazed and wary . [I]306-jesse do n’t like it . ‘[306-jesse] Go [upstairs]2927-upstairs . ’ [I]306-jesse frown . ‘[306-jesse] Why ? ’ ‘[306-jesse] Do n’t make [me]2813-john ask [you]306-jesse again , [Ava]536-ava . ’ [I]536-ava withdraw and try to assess [him]306-jesse , but the only thing that [I]536-ava can determine is [he]306-jesse ’s not happy with [me]536-ava . Despite that , though , [I]536-ava know [I]536-ava need to get [my]536-ava arse [upstairs]2927-upstairs before [he]306-jesse asks [me]536-ava again . This is one of those times when [I]536-ava know not to argue . [He]306-jesse ’s starting to shake and though [I]536-ava have no idea what about , [I]536-ava ’m[536-ava] certain it ’s not for [Cathy]1284-cathy ’s ears . [I]2813-john drop [myself]2813-john from the stool and excuse [myself]2813-john , leaving [the kitchen]3044-the kitchen and walking quietly up [the stairs]3122-the stairs to [the master suite]254-the room , all of the time wondering what on [earth]1292-earth is wrong with [him]1293-he . [I]2813-john do n’t get long to ponder it . It strides into [the room]254-the room , still holding the paper and envelope . [He]1293-he ’s bubbling with anger . [I]2813-john can see it in the slight shaking of [his]1293-he hands and in the flash of black in [his]1293-he eyes . [He]1293-he pins [me]2813-john in place with an incensed stare . ‘ What the fuck is this ? ’[1293-he] [My]2813-john eyes fall naturally to the paper that [he]1293-he ’s holding up , but [I]2813-john have no idea what it is . ‘ What is it ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ask nervously . [He]1293-he chucks the papers into the space between [us]1294-us . ‘ [You]3411-you were going to kill [[our]1294-us baby]1069-our baby ? ’[1293-he] [He]1293-he says it so calmly . The ground falls away from under [me]2813-john , and [I]2813-john feel like [I]2813-john ’m free - falling into a black hole of nothing . [I]2813-john ca n’t face [him]1293-he . [My]2813-john eyes are burning up with hot tears as [they]3413-they trace every square inch of the bedroom floor at [his]1293-he feet . [My]2813-john brain has failed [me]2813-john , but even if it did give some inspiration and load [my]2813-john mouth with the right words , [I]2813-john would be lying and [he]306-jesse would know . ‘[2813-john] Answer [me]2813-john ! ’ [he]306-jesse roars , and [I]2813-john jump , but [I]2813-john still ca n’t bring [myself]2813-john to face [him]306-jesse . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] completely ashamed of [myself]2813-john , and having spent the last few days with [Jesse]306-jesse and seeing how truly blissful [he]306-jesse is , how caring and attentive [he]306-jesse ’s being , the guilt could n’t get any worse . [I]2813-john thought about terminating this pregnancy . [I]2813-john thought about ridding [my]2813-john body of [this baby]1069-our baby . [[His]1069-our baby baby]1069-our baby . [[Our]1069-our baby baby]1069-our baby . [I]2813-john ’m inexcusable . ‘[536-ava] [Ava]536-ava , for fuck sake ! ’ Before [I]536-ava can even think to try and form any words , [he]306-jesse ’s grasping the tops of [my]536-ava arms and bending to get [his]306-jesse face in [my]536-ava line of sight . But [I]536-ava still evade [his]306-jesse greens , not being able to bare facing what [I]536-ava know will be there . Contempt … disgust … disbelief . ‘[536-ava] Damn it , look at [me]2813-john . ’ [I]536-ava shake [my]536-ava head faintly , like [the pathetic coward [I]536-ava am]3414-the pathetic coward i am . [He]306-jesse deserves an explanation , but [I]536-ava do n’t know where to begin . [My]536-ava mind has completely shut down , like [I]536-ava ’m[536-ava] protecting [myself]2813-john from the inevitable that will be [Jesse]306-jesse flying off the handle . [He]306-jesse ’s pretty much there already . [My]2813-john jaw is grasped harshly and pulled up so [I]2813-john ’m forced to acknowledge [him]306-jesse . [My]2813-john eyes are glassy with red - hot tears , but [I]2813-john can see with one hundred per cent clarity the hurt on [his]306-jesse face . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m sorry . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john sob . It ’s the only thing [I]2813-john can think to say . It ’s the only thing [I]2813-john should say . [I]2813-john am sorry for having such horrid thoughts . [His]306-jesse face crumbles before [me]2813-john , enflaming the guilt further . ‘ [You]306-jesse ’ve broken [my]306-jesse fucking heart , [Ava]536-ava . ’[306-jesse] [He]306-jesse drops [me]2813-john and stalks into [the wardrobe]1296-the wardrobe , leaving [me]2813-john a pathetic form of shaking body parts . Sickness has moved aside and made way for crippling shame . [I]2813-john suddenly feel disgusted with [myself]2813-john , so [I]2813-john have a very good idea of what [Jesse]306-jesse thinks of [me]2813-john . [He]306-jesse appears again with a handful of clothes , but [he]306-jesse does n’t stuff them in a bag or go to [the bathroom]2800-the bathroom to get anything else . [He]306-jesse just walks out , still only wearing [his]306-jesse running shorts . [My]2813-john throat has closed off on [me]2813-john , so [I]2813-john ca n’t even scream for [him]306-jesse to stay . [I]2813-john ’m paralysed on the spot , nothing working , except [my]536-ava eyes , which are releasing a relentless flow of tears . Then [I]536-ava hear the front door slam , and [I]536-ava find [myself]536-ava in a heap on the floor , silently sobbing to [myself]536-ava . ‘[536-ava] [Ava]536-ava , [dear]536-ava ? ’ [Cathy]1284-cathy ’s soft , warm voice is only just detectable through [my]536-ava heaving . ‘[536-ava] [Ava]536-ava , [my]2813-john goodness , whatever is the matter ? ’ It must be glaringly obvious that [I]536-ava ’m[536-ava] not suffering with morning sickness , and [she]1298-her must have heard [Jesse]306-jesse bellowing at [me]2813-john . [I]2813-john feel [her]1298-her squidgy body against [me]2813-john , and [I]2813-john instinctively turn into [her]1298-her apron coated body , wrapping [my]2813-john arms around [her]1298-her back . ‘ Oh dear , oh no . ’[1298-her] [She]1298-her starts rocking [me]2813-john gently , shushing [me]2813-john and whispering quiet words in [my]2813-john ears . ‘ Oh [Ava]536-ava , come on , dear . Tell [me]1298-her what ’s happened . ’[1298-her] [I]2813-john try to form some words , but it just results in [me]2813-john crying even harder . [My]2813-john compulsion to spill [my]2813-john guilt , to share [my]2813-john remorse , is just emphasising how incredibly selfishly [I]2813-john was thinking . ‘ Come on . Let [me]1284-cathy make [you]536-ava a cup of tea . ’[1284-cathy] [Cathy]1284-cathy soothes , hauling [her]1284-cathy round body up from the bedroom floor before tugging on [my]2813-john arm , encouraging [me]2813-john to stand . [I]2813-john just about manage it , and then [I]2813-john ’m cradled under [her]1284-cathy arm and guided down to [the kitchen]3044-the kitchen . [She]1284-cathy hands [me]2813-john a hanky from the front of [her]1284-cathy apron , then sets about making a pot of tea . [I]2813-john watch [her]1284-cathy in silence , except for the odd judder of breath that escapes as [I]2813-john try to gain control of [my]2813-john shaky body and erratic breathing . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] trying [my]2813-john very hardest , but it ’s inevitable for [me]2813-john to think about all of the other times [I]2813-john ’ve sent [him]1299-him crazy mad , except this time [he]1299-him really looked unhinged . This time [I]2813-john ’ve really sent [him]1299-him over the edge . [Cathy]1284-cathy sets a pot of tea down on [the island]903-the island and pours two cups , putting a few sugars in [mine]2813-john , even though [she]1284-cathy did n’t ask and neither did [I.]1284-cathy ‘ [You]1284-cathy need the energy . ’[1284-cathy] [she]1284-cathy says as [she]1284-cathy stirs , then picks it up and places it between both of [my]2813-john palms . ‘ Drink up , [dear]1284-cathy . There ’s nothing tea ca n’t cure . ’[1284-cathy] [She]1284-cathy takes [her]1284-cathy own , blows across the top , and a wave of steam streams through mid - air and disintegrates in front of [me]2813-john . [I]2813-john stare at it until it ’s gone , and [I]2813-john ’m left gazing blankly at nothing . ‘[2813-john] Now , tell [me]2813-john what ’s got [[my]2813-john boy]956-my boy in such a pickle and [you]956-my boy in this state ? ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john was thinking about having an abortion . ’ [I]2813-john say to thin air . [I]2813-john do n’t want to see the look of horror that will have undoubtedly jumped onto the face of [[Jesse]306-jesse ’s sweet , innocent , wholesome housekeeper]306-jesse . [Her]1284-cathy silence and the mug of tea that [I]2813-john can see in [my]2813-john peripheral vision , hovering at [her]1284-cathy lips , only confirms [my]2813-john thoughts . [She]1284-cathy ’s shocked , and having heard the words aloud , so am [I.]2813-john And embarrassed . ‘[2813-john] Oh , ’ [she]1284-cathy says simply . What else can [she]1284-cathy say ? [I]2813-john know what [I]2813-john should be saying . [I]2813-john should be explaining [myself]2813-john and the reasons , but not only do [I]2813-john feel like [I]2813-john ’ve let [Jesse]306-jesse down and trampled all over [his]306-jesse happiness , [I]2813-john feel protective of [him]306-jesse . [I]2813-john do n’t want [Cathy]1284-cathy to judge [him]306-jesse if [I]2813-john tell [her]1284-cathy how [I]2813-john ended up pregnant , which is ludicrous . It ’s the only reason [I]2813-john considered a termination , and the fact that [I]2813-john did n’t think [I]2813-john was ready , but the last few days have proved [me]2813-john wrong . [Jesse]306-jesse has unearthed a deep feeling of hope , happiness , and love for [this baby]1069-our baby growing inside of [me]2813-john . A piece of [me]2813-john and a piece of [him]306-jesse mixed together to form a life . [[Our]3417-our baby]1069-our baby . Now the thought of ridding it from [my]2813-john body is absolutely abhorrent . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] disgusted with [myself]2813-john . [I]2813-john turn towards [Cathy]1284-cathy . ‘ [I]2813-john would never have seen it through . [I]2813-john soon realised [I]2813-john was being stupid . [I]2813-john was just so shocked . [I]2813-john do n’t know how [he]536-ava ’s found out . ’[2813-john] Now [I]2813-john ’ve calmed slightly , [I]2813-john ’m wondering how [he]536-ava does actually know . That paper . The envelope . ‘[536-ava] [Ava]536-ava , [he]536-ava ’s obviously shocked . Give [him]536-ava time to come round . [You]536-ava ’re still pregnant and that ’s all that matters . [He]536-ava ’ll see soon enough . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john smile , but [Cathy]1284-cathy ’s words have n’t made [me]2813-john feel any better . [She]1284-cathy does n’t know what happened the last time [he]536-ava walked out on [me]2813-john . ‘ Thank [you]536-ava for the tea , [Cathy]1284-cathy . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john say , getting down from the stool . ‘ [I]2813-john ’d better get ready for work . ’[2813-john] [Her]1284-cathy wrinkled brow furrows , and [she]1284-cathy looks at [my]2813-john mug . ‘ But [you]536-ava ’ve hardly touched it . ’[1284-cathy] ‘ Oh , ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john quickly scoop it up and take a few hot sips , probably burning the roof of [my]2813-john mouth in the process , but there ’s a piece of paper lying on the floor of [the master suite]609-the master suite , and it ’s screaming for [me]2813-john to read it . [I]2813-john give [Cathy]1284-cathy a quick peck in the cheek , and [she]1284-cathy rubs [my]2813-john arm affectionately before [I]2813-john escape [the kitchen]2927-upstairs . [I]2813-john run [upstairs]2927-upstairs fast and pick the paper straight up , being immediately greeted with a bunch of pamphlets , stapled to the corner of a letter . The letter is a scan appointment . The pamphlets are a wealth of information on abortion . The information sinks in very fast , and as [I]2813-john lift [my]2813-john eyes to the top of the letter , [I]2813-john notice [my]2813-john name and address . No , not [my]2813-john address . It ’s [Matt]264-matt ’s address . [I]2813-john gasp and screw the paper up , throwing it at the wall on an infuriated yell . [I]2813-john ’m so fucking stupid . [I]2813-john ’ve not changed [my]2813-john address with the surgery . [I]2813-john ’ve not changed [my]2813-john address with [anyone]2929-anyone . All of [my]2813-john mail has been going to [Matt]264-matt ’s and clearly [the fucking bastard]264-matt has been opening it . [He]264-matt must ’ve been in [his]264-matt element to find this . What the hell is wrong with [him]264-matt , the nasty fucking lowlife ? [My]2813-john damn emotions are all over [the place]2776-the place . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] sad , [I]2813-john ’m hurt , [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] blood boiling mad . At the risk of lashing out on the door or the wall or anything [I]2813-john can lay [my]2813-john hands on , [I]2813-john throw [myself]2813-john in the shower instead . * * * [I]2813-john ’m still shaking with anger when [I]2813-john walk into [the penthouse foyer]609-the master suite only half an hour later . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] already late , but [my]2813-john work , for the first time ever , is the least of [my]2813-john priorities . And it ’s a good thing because [I]2813-john ’m standing staring blankly at the keypad , with not the first idea of what numbers to punch in . [I]2813-john glance back at the door , contemplating nipping back in to ask [Cathy]1284-cathy , but [I]2813-john decide against it , instead bashing in the code of the fire exit door and pushing [my]2813-john way through . [I]2813-john need to burn off some of this fury before [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] in the close proximity of [people]2834-people . [I]2813-john might rip [someone]443-someone ’s head off , and [I]2813-john want to save [my]2813-john wrath for [Matt]264-matt . ‘ Good Morning , [Mrs Ward]72-mrs ward . ’[95-lusso] [Casey]95-lusso ’s friendly voice is the first thing [I]2813-john hear when [I]2813-john exit [the stairwell]3312-the stairwell , panting from exhaustion as oppose to panting with anger . ‘ [Casey]95-lusso , ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john puff , putting [my]2813-john heels back on . [He]95-lusso looks [me]2813-john up and down . [God]306-jesse only knows what [I]2813-john must look like . [I]2813-john did n’t even bother to use a mirror , instead blasting [my]2813-john hair and firing pins in all over [my]2813-john head where [I]2813-john felt [they]1308-they needed to be . ‘ Are [you]95-lusso okay ? ’[95-lusso] [he]95-lusso asks . ‘ Fine , ’[95-lusso] ‘ Congratulations , ’[95-lusso] [he]95-lusso says . [I]2813-john look at [him]95-lusso in alarm . [Jesse]306-jesse would n’t share [our]1309-our good news with the new concierge . [He]95-lusso does n’t like [him]95-lusso . ‘ On getting married , ’[95-lusso] [Casey]95-lusso adds . ‘ [I]2813-john did n’t know . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m frowning . Would [Jesse]306-jesse have told [him]95-lusso that ? Probably . [He]95-lusso was probably trampling at the time , stamping [his]95-lusso ownership . ‘[2813-john] Thanks , ’ [I]2813-john stalk past [him]95-lusso and slip [my]2813-john shades on before [I]2813-john hit the sunshine , hoping the oversized things might conceal most of [my]2813-john harassed face . [John]2813-john ’s here . [He]2813-john shrugs , and [I]2813-john shake [my]2813-john head . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m not coming with [you]2813-john , [John]2813-john . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john fire [my]2813-john key fob at [[my]2813-john Mini]971-my mini and start across [the car park]711-the car park . ‘ Come on , [girl]87-ruth . Let ’s not push it . ’[2813-john] [His]2813-john voice is a low rumble , even though [he]2813-john ’s pleading with [me]2813-john . ‘ [John]2813-john , [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] sorry , but [I]2813-john ’m driving [myself]2813-john today . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john insist in the firmest tone [I]2813-john can find . It ’s hard . [I]2813-john just want to cry some more . [He]2813-john ’s so mad with [me]2813-john , but [he]2813-john still sent [John]2813-john to take [me]2813-john to work . As usual , [he]2813-john just ca n’t help it . [I]2813-john stop and swing around to face the big friendly giant . [He]2813-john ’s standing at the hood of [[his]2813-john Range Rover]22-his range rover , holding [his]2813-john big arms out to [me]2813-john pleadingly . ‘ Is [he]2813-john okay ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ask . ‘ No , [he]2813-john ’s gone [mother]87-ruth fucking crazy , [girl]87-ruth . What ’s going on ? ’[2813-john] ‘ Nothing , ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john say quietly , feeling so thankful that [John]2813-john is unaware to why [Jesse]306-jesse has lost the plot . [He]2813-john ’s probably too ashamed of [me]2813-john to admit it to [anyone]2929-anyone , and [he]2813-john has every right to be . ‘ Nothing ? ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john laughs , but then [his]2813-john frightening face turns deadly serious . ‘ It ’s nothing to do with [that Danish [mother fucker]87-ruth]87-ruth ? ’[2813-john] ‘ No , ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john shake [my]2813-john head , thinking [Mikael]74-mikael might be something else for [Jesse]306-jesse to fly off the handle about . ‘ Are [you]3423-you okay ? ’[2813-john] [His]2813-john wraparounds are still firmly in place , but [I]2813-john know [he]2813-john ’s looking at [my]2813-john stomach . [He]2813-john thinks something has happened to [the baby]1009-coral . [I]2813-john nod , [my]2813-john hand naturally sliding across [my]2813-john cornflower blue shift dress and onto [my]2813-john navel . ‘ Fine , [John]2813-john . ’[2813-john] ‘ [Ava]536-ava , [girl]536-ava , let [me]2813-john take [you]2813-john to work so [I]2813-john can at least go back to [The Manor]226-the manor and tell [him]2813-john [I]2813-john got [you]2813-john there safely . ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john gestures towards [his]2813-john shining heap of black metal . It ’s hard for [me]2813-john to refuse [John]2813-john . [He]2813-john ’s thinking about [Jesse]306-jesse , and [I]2813-john know that [he]2813-john cares about [me]2813-john . Under any other circumstances , [I]2813-john would , but [I]2813-john have an ex to deal with , and [I]2813-john ca n’t wait to rip [him]2813-john to shreds . ‘ [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] sorry , [John]2813-john . ’ [I]2813-john jump in [[my]2813-john car]653-my car and dial [Casey]95-lusso to open the gates . No code , no gate device . [Anyone]2929-anyone would think that [he]2813-john was trying to keep [me]2813-john prisoner . [I]2813-john leave [a clearly exasperated [John]2813-john in [the Car park of [Lusso]95-lusso]23-the car park of lusso]3427-a clearly exasperated john in the car park of lusso and drive [myself]2813-john to work . * * * The look [I]2813-john flash all of [my]2813-john work colleagues the second [I]2813-john walk into [the office]3076-the office makes [them]3429-them cautiously put [their]3429-them heads back down to work . Mindless chit - chat and feigning happiness is not something [I]2813-john can be bothered to do today . [I]2813-john need to focus on getting through the day as quickly and as quietly as possible . Interacting with [anyone]2929-anyone is a risk [I]2813-john ca n’t take . [I]2813-john might explode , and then all of [my]2813-john fury will be wasted . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] left to work in peace , [my]2813-john only distraction being [my]2813-john racing imagination , which is flicking from what [Jesse]306-jesse will be doing now , to what [I]2813-john ’m going to do to [Matt]264-matt . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] surviving fine , until [Patrick]374-patrick perches on the edge of [[my]2813-john new desk]1314-my new desk . [I]2813-john see [him]374-patrick before [I]2813-john hear [him]374-patrick , which has absolutely never happened . The creak that [I]2813-john usually get in warning is absent , and it throws [me]2813-john a little . [I]2813-john grew rather fond of the familiar sound of [[my]2813-john boss]374-patrick perching on [my]2813-john desk , even if it did make [me]2813-john hold [my]2813-john breath and pray for reinforced wood . ‘ [Flower]86-flower , update [me]2813-john . [We]3431-we ’ve not spoken for a few days . [My]2813-john fault , [I]2813-john know . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john do n’t need this . [My]2813-john brain is awash with everything , except work , and [I]2813-john ’m dreading the Mikael question . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] living on borrowed time here , [I]2813-john realise that , but [I]2813-john ca n’t broach this now . ‘ There ’s not a lot to report , really . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john continue composing the email that [I]2813-john ’ve been working on for the last hour . [I]2813-john ’m two lines in , and it ’s only a simple sample request to [a manufacturer]3432-a manufacturer . ‘[2813-john] Oh , everything ’s in order , then ? ’ ‘[2813-john] Yes , everything . ’ [I]2813-john sound short and terse , but [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] trying [my]2813-john best not to be . ‘ Are [you]374-patrick okay , flower ? ’[374-patrick] [[My]2813-john boss]374-patrick ’s concern is clear , when [he]374-patrick should actually be telling [me]2813-john to buck up and answer [him]374-patrick properly . [I]2813-john stop typing and turn to face [my]2813-john cuddly bear of [an employer]1317-an employer . ‘ [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] sorry . Yes , [I]2813-john ’m fine , but [I]2813-john ’ve got a heap of things [I]2813-john want to get done before the day ’s out . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john mentally applaud [myself]2813-john for blagging [my]2813-john way through that whole little speech . [I]2813-john did sound fine and like [I]2813-john was keen to get on , something [Patrick]374-patrick will never argue with . ‘ Excellent ! ’[374-patrick] [He]374-patrick laughs . ‘ [I]374-patrick ’ll leave [you]1318-you to it , then . [I]374-patrick ’ll be in [[my]374-patrick office]678-my office . ’[374-patrick] [He]374-patrick lifts from the desk and for the first time in four years , it does n’t creak , but [I]2813-john still wince anyway . ‘ [Ava]536-ava , [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] sorry to bother [you]1318-you , ’ [Sal]60-sarah ’s apprehensive voice almost makes [me]60-sarah feel guilty . ‘[60-sarah] What ’s up , [Sal]60-sarah ? ’ [I]374-patrick look up at [[our]3434-our plain - [Jane]145-jane]3435-our plain - jane , turned office siren , and force a smile , until [I]374-patrick see the plaid skirt . It ’s back , and [I]374-patrick was so busy throwing cautionary looks at [everyone]2825-everyone when [I]374-patrick arrived this morning , [I]374-patrick had n’t noticed . [I]374-patrick also had n’t noticed the lack of polished nails or scoop neck top . Or the face that looks like it ’s just been dealt the most dreadful news . [She]60-sarah ’s been dumped . ‘[374-patrick] [Patrick]374-patrick has asked [me]2813-john to run through all of the invoices due for payment . Here ’s a list . ’ [She]60-sarah hands [me]374-patrick a printout of [clients]373-clients . ‘[374-patrick] All of the highlighted sections are due within a week , and [he]374-patrick ’d like [you]1319-you all to gently remind [[your]1319-you clients]373-clients so [we]1321-we get the payments on time . ’ [I]373-clients frown and cast [my]373-clients eyes over the spread sheet . ‘[373-clients] But [they]373-clients ’re not due yet . [I]373-clients ca n’t remind [them]373-clients when [they]373-clients ’ve not even forgotten . ’[373-clients] It ’s embarrassing enough chasing overdue invoices . [She]1322-she shrugs . ‘ [I]1323-the messenger ’m[1323-the messenger] just [the messenger]1323-the messenger . ’ ‘[374-patrick] [He]374-patrick ’s never asked [us]1321-we to do this before . ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m just [the messenger]1323-the messenger ! ’[1322-she] [she]1322-she snaps , and [I]2813-john recoil in [my]2813-john chair . Then [she]1322-she bursts into tears . [I]2813-john should be jumping up and soothing [her]1322-she , but [I]2813-john ’m just sitting here , watching [her]1322-she wail all over [my]2813-john desk . [She]1322-she ’s snorting and sniffling , attracting the attention of [everyone]2825-everyone , including [Patrick]374-patrick , who has ventured from [[his]374-patrick office]2910-his office to see what the commotion is all about , but [he]374-patrick retreats hastily when [he]374-patrick spots [Sal]60-sarah in tears . [Tom]84-tom and [Victoria]85-victoria sit tapping [their]2825-everyone pens , neither one of [them]2825-everyone coming to aid [me]2813-john in [my]2813-john distress . And [I]2813-john am distressed . [I]2813-john do n’t know what to do with [her]1322-she , but as [no one else]1189-no one else seems to be willing , it ’s down to [me]2813-john to sort [her]1322-she out . [I]2813-john slide the spread sheet into [my]2813-john tray and stand , taking [Sal]60-sarah ’s elbow and leading [her]1322-she into [the toilets]442-the toilets , where [I]2813-john stuff [her]1322-she hands full of tissue and wait silently for [her]1322-she to pull [herself]1322-she together . After a good five minutes , [she]1322-she finally speaks . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john hate [men]262-men . ’ Is all [she]1322-she says . It makes [me]2813-john smile . [I]2813-john think [every woman on [the planet]2951-the planet]3441-every woman on the planet has said that line at some point in [their]3441-every woman on the planet life . ‘[2813-john] Things not too good between [you]1325-you and … ’ ‘[2813-john] Do n’t say [his]1326-he name ! ’ [she]1322-she blurts . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john never want to hear it again . ’ It ’s a good job because [I]2813-john ca n’t remember it . ‘[2813-john] Do [you]1325-you want to talk about it ? ’ ‘[2813-john] No . ’ [she]1322-she spits , rubbing away at [her]1322-she cheeks . There is no make - up transferring onto the tissue . [She]1322-she has well and truly returned to boring [Sal]60-sarah . ‘[2813-john] Never ! ’ [she]1322-she adds on a filthy look . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] relieved . [My]2813-john brain would n’t absorb it , even if [she]1327-she did tell [me]2813-john . [I]2813-john ’d be listening , but not engaging . ‘ Okay , ’[1327-she] [I]2813-john rub [her]1327-she arm in a gesture to suggest that [I]2813-john understand when [I]2813-john ’m actually more relieved . ‘[1326-he] [He]1326-he ’s here , then [he]1326-he ’s not . [He]1326-he calls , then [he]1326-he does n’t . What does that mean ? ’ [She]1322-she looks at [me]1328-she expectantly , like [I]1328-she might know the answer . ‘[1328-she] [You]1328-she mean [he]1326-he ’s messing [you]1328-she around ? ’ [I]1326-he ’m[1326-he] engaging . ‘ [I]1326-he ’m[1326-he] on call when [he]1326-he wants , so yes . [I]2813-john sit around waiting for [him]1326-he to ring [me]2813-john , and when [he]1326-he does want to see [me]2813-john , it ’s lovely , but all [he]1326-he wants to talk about is [me]2813-john . [[My]2813-john friends]825-my friends . [My]2813-john job . ’ [She]1328-she sniffles a bit more . ‘[2813-john] When will [he]1326-he want to have sex ? ’ [I]1328-she cough on a laugh . ‘[1328-she] [You]1328-she ’re worried because [he]1326-he has n’t tried to get [you]1328-she in bed ? ’[1328-she] That ’s a rarity . [She]1328-she should be pleased . ‘ Yes ! ’[1328-she] [She]1328-she collapses against the wall . ‘ [I]1328-she do n’t know how much more [we]3443-we can talk . ’[1328-she] ‘ It ’s nice that [he]1326-he wants to get to know [you]1328-she , [Sal]60-sarah . [Too many men]3444-too many men are after one thing . ’[1328-she] Is [she]1328-she sexually frustrated ? Or is [she]1328-she sexually clueless ? Has [she]1328-she ever even had sex ? [I]2813-john ca n’t imagine it , and if [I]2813-john go by the deepening red of [her]1328-she cheeks , then [I]2813-john think [I]2813-john might have [my]2813-john answer . [Sal]60-sarah ’s [a virgin]1330-a virgin ? Fucking hell ! How old is [she]1328-she , anyway ? [I]2813-john ’m suddenly more than ready to engage , but [Victoria]85-victoria ’s head pops around the door , halting [my]536-ava intended interrogation tactics . ‘[536-ava] [Ava]536-ava , [your]536-ava phone is ringing off the hook . ’ [She]1328-she ca n’t resist a quick inspection of [herself]1328-she in the mirror before [she]1328-she leaves . ‘[60-sarah] [Sal]60-sarah , [I]2813-john ’d better get that . ’ It might be [Jesse]306-jesse , and [he]306-jesse ’ll be beside [himself]306-jesse . ‘[60-sarah] Will [you]536-ava be okay ? ’ [She]1328-she nods , sniffles and blows [her]1328-she nose before running [her]1328-she teary eyes all over [me]536-ava . ‘[536-ava] Are [you]536-ava feeling better ? ’ [she]1328-she asks . ‘[536-ava] Yes , ’ [I]536-ava frown , forgetting [my]536-ava recent absences from work . [I]536-ava ’m[536-ava] not ready to share [my]2813-john news yet . ‘ [You]536-ava do n’t look it . What ’s wrong , anyway ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john search [my]2813-john brain for a feasible reason for [my]2813-john constant dashing to [the toilet]444-the toilet and bad moods . ‘ Tummy bug . ’[2813-john] is the best that [I]2813-john come up with . ‘ And married life ? Good ? Honeymoon ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john stand for a few silent moments , wondering how this turned around on [me]2813-john . ‘ All great . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john lie . ‘ Maybe [we]3445-we ’ll catch a holiday soon . [Jesse]306-jesse ’s busy . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john lie again , but [Sal]60-sarah is one of [the few people in [my]2813-john life who has n’t worked out [my]2813-john bad habit]1332-the few people in my life who has n’t worked out my bad habit , so [I]2813-john ’m confident that [I]2813-john ’ve not been rumbled . [I]2813-john leave [her]87-ruth before [she]87-ruth can pry any further and rush back to [my]2813-john desk , hoping to find a mass of missed calls from [Jesse]306-jesse . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] sorely disappointed . It ’s [Ruth Quinn]87-ruth . [I]2813-john have n’t spoken to [her]87-ruth since [I]2813-john abandoned [our]1333-our meeting , and [I]2813-john ’m not sure [I]87-ruth want to , but it starts wailing again in [my]87-ruth hand . [I]87-ruth do n’t need to call [her]87-ruth back . [She]87-ruth ’s going to call [me]87-ruth until [I]87-ruth answer , and [I]87-ruth ca n’t avoid [her]87-ruth forever . ‘[87-ruth] Hello , [Ruth]87-ruth . ’ [I]536-ava sound normal enough . ‘[536-ava] [Ava]536-ava , how are [you]536-ava ? ’ [She]87-ruth sounds normal , too . ‘[536-ava] Good , thank [you]536-ava . ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john was waiting for [you]536-ava to call . Did [you]536-ava forget about [me]2813-john ? ’ [She]87-ruth laughs . Actually , [I]87-ruth did . [Her]87-ruth lesbian crush has made way for other more important things . ‘[87-ruth] Not at all , [Ruth]87-ruth . [I]2813-john was going to call [you]536-ava later . ’ [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] lying through the skin of [my]2813-john teeth . ‘ Oh , well [I]2813-john beat [you]536-ava to it , then . Can [we]3446-we meet tomorrow ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john sink into [my]2813-john chair , [my]2813-john mind whizzing through a million excuses to put [her]87-ruth off , but [I]2813-john know [I]2813-john have to face this head on . [I]2813-john can be professional . ‘ Sure , how about one - ish ? ’[2813-john] ‘ Perfect . [I]87-ruth look forward to it . Bye ! ’[87-ruth] [She]87-ruth hangs up , and [I]2813-john hang [my]2813-john head . [I]2813-john bet [she]87-ruth is . [I]2813-john ’ll be wearing trousers tomorrow , and [I]2813-john wo n’t be making too much of an effort either . [Tom]84-tom lowers [his]84-tom fashion specs to the end of [his]84-tom nose . ‘ [Dumped]146-dumped ? ’[84-tom] [he]84-tom asks . [I]2813-john do n’t need to push for an elaboration on [his]84-tom one word question . ‘ It ’s complicated . ’[84-tom] [I]2813-john brush [him]84-tom off and start to mark up some drawings , but something catches [my]2813-john attention outside [the office]3076-the office . [[My]2813-john brother]71-my brother . [He]71-my brother ’s standing on [the pavement]844-the pavement looking into [the office]3076-the office and after what seems like an age of [us]1337-us staring at each other , [he]71-my brother pushes [his]71-my brother way through the door . ‘ Hi , ’[71-my brother] [He]71-my brother smiles . [My]2813-john hand comes up in a little wave gesture . ‘ Hi , ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john whisper . [We]1337-us ’re in that awkward place again . ‘[1337-us] Lunch ? ’ [he]71-my brother asks hopefully . [I]84-tom smile and collect [my]84-tom bag , joining [him]71-my brother at the front of [the office]3076-the office . [My]84-tom simmering anger has cooled , but [I]84-tom ’ll re - stoke it later . Right now , [I]84-tom want to fix things with [Dan]464-dan , get things back on track before [he]71-my brother goes back to [Australia]4-australia . [He]71-my brother ’s been a complete arsehole , but [I]84-tom ca n’t hold grudges , not with [[my]84-tom brother]71-my brother . ‘[84-tom] [Tom]84-tom , [I]2813-john ’ll be back in an hour . ’ ‘[84-tom] Hmmm , ’ [he]71-my brother replies . [I]84-tom look back and see [him]71-my brother staring dreamily at [Dan]464-dan . ‘[84-tom] Bye , [[Ava]536-ava ’s brother]71-my brother . ’ [he]71-my brother croons , waving a limp wrist and actually fluttering [his]71-my brother lashes . [I]306-jesse purse [my]306-jesse lips and shake [my]306-jesse head , especially when [Dan]464-dan ’s eyes enlarge in alarm and [he]71-my brother starts walking backwards . ‘[306-jesse] [Urm]306-jesse , yeah , ’ [He]71-my brother coughs and straightens [his]71-my brother shoulders in an obvious attempt to make [himself]71-my brother look more manly . ‘[84-tom] See [ya]84-tom , ’ [His]71-my brother voice has gone deeper , too . [I]84-tom laugh . ‘[84-tom] Come on , ’ [I]84-tom push [Dan]464-dan through the door . ‘[84-tom] [You]84-tom have [an admirer]1339-an admirer . ’ ‘[1339-an admirer] Great . ’ [he]1339-an admirer quips . ‘[2813-john] Not that [I]2813-john ’m homophobic or anything . [You]84-tom know , whatever tickles [your]84-tom fancy . ’[2813-john] ‘ [I]2813-john think [Tom]84-tom wants to tickle [your]84-tom fancy . ’[2813-john] ‘ [Ava]536-ava ! ’[1339-an admirer] [He]1339-an admirer looks at [me]2813-john in horror , but then breaks out in a grin . ‘ [He]1339-an admirer ’s got taste , obviously . ’[1339-an admirer] ‘ [I]2813-john do n’t want to burst [your]84-tom bubble , but [he]1339-an admirer ’s like that with [most men]3447-most men . [You]84-tom ’re[2813-john] nothing special . ’ [We]3448-we start walking side by side down [Bruton Street]24-bruton street , towards [Starbucks]19-starbucks . ‘[1339-an admirer] Thanks , ’ [Dan]464-dan laughs , nudging [my]1339-an admirer shoulder . [I]1339-an admirer nudge [him]464-dan right back and smile up at [him]464-dan . [We]3448-we ’re[1339-an admirer] going to be okay . * * * [Dan]464-dan sets down the coffees and [his]464-dan sandwich , and [I]2813-john immediately tip three sachets of sugar into [my]2813-john cup , momentarily unaware that what [I]2813-john ’m doing is completely out of the ordinary , until [I]2813-john look up and see [Dan]464-dan ’s brow all knitted as [he]464-dan watches [me]2813-john stir it in . ‘[2813-john] Since when have [you]1340-you taken sugar in [your]1340-you coffee ? ’ [I]2813-john freeze mid - stir , frantically searching [my]2813-john brain for a viable excuse . [We]3448-we ’ve not talked , but things are comfortable . Advising [him]464-dan that [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] pregnant will catapult [us]1341-us straight back to awkwardness , so [I]2813-john ’m going to be a total shitbag and wait for [him]464-dan to go back to [Australia]4-australia , then [I]2813-john ’ll get [[our]1341-us mum]3449-our mum to tell [him]464-dan . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m knackered . [I]2813-john need a sugar hit . ’[2813-john] It ’s the best [I]2813-john come up with . ‘ [You]2813-john look tired . ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john sits down , eyeing [me]2813-john suspiciously . ‘ [I]2813-john am tired . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john admit . No hair twiddling needed . ‘ Why ? ’[2813-john] ‘ Work stress . ’[2813-john] Half true , but now [I]2813-john ’m fighting [my]2813-john hands to keep them on the table . ‘[2813-john] So , [you]2813-john ’re okay ? ’[2813-john] ‘ [Kate]2774-kate told [me]2813-john to take a leap , but [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] sure [you]2813-john know that already . ’ [He]2813-john un - wraps [his]2813-john sandwich and takes a bite . Yes , [I]2813-john do , but there is little point confirming it . ‘[2813-john] [You]2813-john should never have gone there , and [you]2813-john really should n’t have gone there on [my]2813-john wedding day . ’ ‘[2813-john] Yeah , [I]2813-john was out of line . [I]2813-john ’m sorry . ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john reaches over and places [his]2813-john hand over [mine]2813-john . ‘ [We]3450-we ’ve never had cross words . ’[2813-john] ‘ [I]2813-john know . It was horrible . ’[2813-john] ‘ It was [my]2813-john fault . ’[2813-john] ‘ It was , ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john grin , and [he]2813-john dips [his]2813-john finger in the froff of [my]2813-john coffee and flicks it at [my]2813-john nose . ‘ Hey ! ’[2813-john] ‘ Congratulations , anyway . ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john smiles . ‘ What ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john blurt . ‘ [I]2813-john never congratulated [you]2813-john on [your]2813-john actual wedding day . [I]2813-john was too busy being an arsehole . ’[2813-john] ‘ Oh , thanks . ’[2813-john] The relief that takes hold makes [me]2813-john sag in [my]2813-john chair , but just as quickly , [I]2813-john ’m stiff as a board . [Matt]264-matt knows , and [he]264-matt has been doing a fantastic job of keeping [[my]1342-i parents]2767-my parents informed and up - to - date on [my]1342-i love life . [He]264-matt ’ll be like a pig in shit over this . That cooling fury has just boiled over into the realms of panic . [I]1342-i quickly disregard the possibility that [he]264-matt ’s called [[my]1342-i mum]2774-kate and [dad]264-matt already because if [he]264-matt had , then [Dan]464-dan would know , and [he]264-matt would n’t be sat opposite [me]1342-i happily chomping [his]264-matt way through a tuna melt . This is bad news . [I]1342-i need to get to [Matt]264-matt before [he]264-matt gets to [[my]1342-i parents]2767-my parents . Or [I]1342-i could just ring [[my]1342-i parents]2767-my parents and tell [them]2767-my parents [myself]1342-i . That would be the sensible thing to do , but [I]1342-i want to see [them]2767-my parents with [Jesse]306-jesse . [I]1342-i want to do this bit right , which is absurd , but after how [they]2767-my parents found out about [Jesse]306-jesse and the shock of a rushed wedding , [I]1342-i want to make this part special . ‘[1342-i] [You]1342-i okay ? ’ [Dan]464-dan ’s worried tone pulls [me]1342-i from yet more mental meltdown . ‘[1342-i] Yeah , so when are [you]1342-i going back ? ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’ll get on - line when [I]2813-john get back to [Harvey]148-harvey ’s to see what ’s available . ’ [He]148-harvey dabs [his]148-harvey mouth with [his]148-harvey napkin and proceeds to launch into a proper apology speech . [I]2813-john spend the next half an hour listening , nodding , yes - ing and no - ing , but [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] a million miles away from the conversation , [my]2813-john head struggling to decide on what to do for the best . Why has n’t [Matt]264-matt called [them]1343-them already ? ‘ [You]1342-i ’ll get sacked . ’[264-matt] ‘ Huh ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john glance down at [my]2813-john Rolex , noting its two fifteen . [I]2813-john ’m already late , but [I]2813-john feel no sense of urgency to hurry back to [the office]3076-the office . The only urgency [I]2813-john have is to resolve [my]2813-john little Matt issue once and for all . ‘[2813-john] Yeah , [I]2813-john ’d better shoot . ’ ‘[2813-john] Nice watch . ’ [He]148-harvey nods at [my]2813-john wrist . ‘[2813-john] Wedding present , ’ [I]2813-john stand and brush [myself]2813-john down . ‘[2813-john] Which way are [you]2813-john heading ? ’ ‘[2813-john] Back to [Harvey]148-harvey ’s . ’ ‘[2813-john] Okay , will [you]2813-john call [me]2813-john ? [I]2813-john mean , [you]2813-john wo n’t just leave , will [you]2813-john ? ’ [His]148-harvey eyes warm and [he]148-harvey stands before pulling [me]2813-john into [him]148-harvey and giving [me]2813-john the biggest cuddle . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john would n’t go anywhere without saying goodbye to [[my]2813-john little sister]1344-my little sister . ’ [He]148-harvey kisses [my]2813-john head . ‘[2813-john] Let ’s not fall out again , okay ? ’ ‘[2813-john] Okay . Keep it in [your]2813-john trousers then , and try to be civil to [[my]2813-john husband]420-my husband if [you]2813-john ever have to share company with [him]420-my husband again . ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john promise . ’ [He]420-my husband assures [me]420-my husband . [I]420-my husband ’m[420-my husband] a little surprised [he]420-my husband does n’t point out that [Jesse]306-jesse was discourteous , too , because [he]420-my husband really was . ‘ Take care . ’[306-jesse] ‘ [You]2813-john , too . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john leave [Dan]464-dan , but instead of going to [the office]2910-his office , [I]2813-john call in sick again and go to get [[my]2813-john car]653-my car . [I]2813-john ’m walking on thin ice , but this really can not wait . [Matt]264-matt wo n’t be [home]2904-home , but [he]420-my husband ’ll be at [[his]420-my husband office]2910-his office , and [I]536-ava really do n’t care where [I]536-ava verbally bash [him]420-my husband . Chapter 18 But [he]420-my husband ’s not at [[his]420-my husband office]2910-his office , and [he]420-my husband has n’t been for weeks . After driving across [the city]3455-the city in mid - afternoon traffic , [I]536-ava pulled up to the glass building which houses the sales centre of the firm that [he]420-my husband works for , only to be told by the receptionist that [Matt]264-matt lost [his]264-matt job a few weeks ago . [I]536-ava remember [him]264-matt mentioning it , [he]264-matt ’d used it as an excuse for [his]264-matt shitty behaviour , but [I]536-ava never gave it another thought . Despite [his]264-matt misfortune , though , [I]536-ava do n’t feel pity or concern . Nothing is going to dampen down [my]536-ava resentment and contempt . [I]536-ava sit in [[my]536-ava car]653-my car and pull [my]536-ava phone from [my]536-ava bag , full of determination . [I]536-ava ’ll track [him]1348-him down . It rings once . ‘[536-ava] [Ava]536-ava , ’ [I]536-ava was expecting a voice laced with smugness and deep satisfaction , so when [I]536-ava hear this one , which is broken and strained , [I]536-ava ’m[536-ava] thrown completely . It takes [me]2813-john a few moments to piece a sentence together and when [I]2813-john do , it ’s not at all what [I]2813-john had intended to say . ‘ Are [you]536-ava okay ? ’[1348-him] [He]1348-him laughs , but it ’s weak . ‘ Why do n’t [you]536-ava ask [[your]536-ava husband]2786-mr ? ’[1348-him] The back of [my]2813-john head hits the headrest of [my]2813-john seat , and [I]2813-john stare up at the ceiling of [[my]2813-john car]653-my car . [I]2813-john should have predicted this . ‘ How bad ? ’[2813-john] ‘ Oh , just a couple of broken ribs and a black eye . Nothing major . [[Your]536-ava husband]2786-mr knows how to do a job properly , [I]1348-him ’ll give [him]2786-mr that . ’[1348-him] ‘ Why did [you]536-ava do it ? ’[2813-john] ‘ Because [I]2813-john want everything [he]2786-mr has with [you]536-ava . Or [I]2813-john did . [Kate]2774-kate took great pleasure in telling [me]2813-john [you]536-ava were marrying [him]2786-mr , and then that letter fell on [my]2813-john doormat . [I]2813-john wondered why [you]536-ava would be seeking an abortion if [you]536-ava were married , so [I]2813-john guessed [he]2786-mr did n’t know . [I]2813-john took a chance . Why are [you]536-ava having an abortion ? ’[2813-john] ‘ [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] not . ’ ‘[2813-john] Then why … ’ ‘[2813-john] Because [I]2813-john was shocked . ’ [I]2813-john shout defensively . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] not explaining [myself]2813-john to [him]1350-him . Silence falls down the line , and [I]2813-john ’m not in the least bit compelled to explain [myself]2813-john further . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john think this is where [you]1351-you give up , [Matt]264-matt . ’ ‘[264-matt] Well [I]2813-john wo n’t be setting [myself]2813-john up for another beating from [[your]1351-you unhinged husband]1352-your unhinged husband . Not even [you]1351-you are worth the pain [I]2813-john ’m in right now . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john laugh to [myself]2813-john and [my]2813-john stupidity for almost feeling sorry for [him]1350-him . ‘ Oh , ’[1350-him] [he]1350-him continues , ‘ and do n’t worry about [Elizabeth]215-elizabeth and [Joseph]464-dan . [I]1350-him ’ve been given a little taste of what will happen if [I]1350-him share [your]464-dan news . Can [I]1350-him suggest that [you]464-dan get [your]464-dan address changed so [I]1350-him do n’t receive any of [your]464-dan shit in future ? ’[1350-him] [He]1350-him hangs up , and [I]2813-john stare down at [my]2813-john phone in disbelief . [I]2813-john did n’t blast [him]1350-him with half of the words [I]2813-john ’ve been mentally preparing throughout the day . [I]2813-john did n’t get to spit [my]2813-john hatred at [him]1350-him , or even slap [his]1350-him face . [I]2813-john ’d love to slap [his]1350-him face . [I]2813-john smirk to [myself]2813-john , [my]2813-john smile only broadening when a mental image of [Jesse]306-jesse pounding on [Matt]264-matt ’s loser arse springs to mind . [I]2813-john ’m not [a violent person]3458-a violent person , but if [Jesse]306-jesse wants to take [his]306-jesse anger out on [someone]443-someone , then [Matt]264-matt would be [[my]2813-john person]264-matt of choice every time . [He]306-jesse deserves everything [he]306-jesse gets , and there ’s no doubt in [my]2813-john mind that [I]2813-john wo n’t be hearing from [him]306-jesse again and neither will [[my]2813-john parents]2767-my parents . It ’s one more thing ticked off [my]2813-john list of issues . [Sarah]60-sarah has apologised , for what it ’s worth , but [she]60-sarah ’s gone and that ’s all that matters . [Kate]2774-kate and [Sam]2844-sam are together , and [Kate]2774-kate and [Dan]464-dan are not . [I]2813-john ’ve made [friends]390-friends with [[my]2813-john brother]420-my husband , and [Matt]264-matt has been trampled . [That one]3463-that one makes [me]2813-john smile again . But what [I]2813-john really need to be doing is finding [[my]2813-john husband]420-my husband and making [friends]390-friends with [him]420-my husband . [I]2813-john chuck [my]2813-john phone on the passenger seat and make [my]2813-john way back towards [the city]3455-the city . [I]2813-john feel like [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] on a cleansing mission . [Our]1353-our new life together will be free from troubles very soon , and it ’s right now that [I]2813-john decide to tackle the final issue tomorrow . [Mikael]74-mikael . [I]2813-john ’ve still not heard from [him]74-mikael , but there ’s nothing [he]74-mikael can say , anyway , nothing [he]74-mikael can tell [me]2813-john , so [I]2813-john do n’t know what the point of [our]1353-our meeting will be . [He]74-mikael ’s not back from [Denmark]5-denmark , or if [he]74-mikael is [I]2813-john ’ve not heard from [him]74-mikael , but [I]2813-john ’ll call [him]74-mikael . [I]2813-john ’ll beat [him]74-mikael to the punch . [I]2813-john ’m full of determination to eradicate this final issue . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] making it [my]2813-john mission objective . [I]2813-john ’ll do anything . As [I]2813-john ’m driving over [London Bridge]26-london bridge , [I]2813-john glance up to [my]2813-john rear view mirror and spot [a familiar car]3465-jesse ’s car . [[Jesse]306-jesse ’s car]3465-jesse ’s car . [He]222-this man ’s dipping in and out of the traffic in [his]222-this man usual haphazard style , overtaking and generally causing traffic mayhem in [his]222-this man wake . [I]2813-john spend a few moments flicking [my]2813-john eyes between [the road]577-the road ahead and [my]2813-john rear view mirror , the potential of what [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] about to face slowly settling in the pit of [my]2813-john stomach . [He]222-this man ’s been following [me]2813-john , which means [he]222-this man has followed [me]2813-john to [[Matt]264-matt ’s office]1355-matt ’s office , which means [he]222-this man is going to hit the fucking roof . [I]2813-john did n’t see [Matt]264-matt , but the intention was there , and [I]2813-john ’m not going to try and convince [myself]2813-john that [Jesse]306-jesse would n’t know where [Matt]264-matt worked . Of course [he]222-this man knows where [Matt]264-matt worked . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] fighting the clash of extreme worry and extreme rage . [I]2813-john ’m worried for obvious reasons , but the rage is overshadowing that right now . Following [me]1356-i ? This should n’t be a surprise . [I]1356-i need to stop being so astounded by what lengths [this man]222-this man goes to — the things that [he]222-this man does , the reactions that [he]222-this man has , the extreme reactions [he]222-this man draws from [me]1356-i . [I]1356-i know it ’s [him]222-this man , but that does n’t stop [me]1356-i taking a right , and then a right , and then a right again , bringing [me]1356-i back to where [I]1356-i started , and as [I]1356-i knew it would be , [the DBS]2996-the dbs is still tailing [me]1356-i a few cars behind . [I]1356-i ’m[1356-i] leading [him]1356-i on a merry dance . [I]2813-john feel around on the seat for [my]2813-john phone and stab at the buttons . ‘ Yes ? ’[1356-i] [he]1356-i spits , short , curt and clipped . Not [his]1356-i usual baby or pleasure filled tone . [I]2813-john ’m astounded . ‘[2813-john] Nice drive ? ’ [I]2813-john ask . ‘[2813-john] What ? ’ ‘[2813-john] Are [you]1357-you having a nice drive ? ’ [I]536-ava repeat [myself]536-ava , this time the words pushed through clenched teeth . ‘[536-ava] [Ava]536-ava , what the fuck are [you]1357-you talking about ? And when [I]2813-john send [John]2813-john to fetch [you]2813-john , get in is [fucking car]1358-fucking car . ’ [I]2813-john ignore that last part and glance back up to [my]2813-john rear view mirror , just to check [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] not imagining things . [I]2813-john ’m not . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m talking about [you]2813-john following [me]2813-john . ’[2813-john] ‘ What ? ’[1356-i] [he]1356-i yells impatiently . ‘ [Ava]536-ava , [I]1356-i have n’t got time for fucking riddles . ’[1356-i] ‘ [I]306-jesse ’m[306-jesse] not talking in riddles , [Jesse]306-jesse . Why the hell are [you]1357-you following [me]2813-john ? ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m not following [you]1357-you , [Ava]536-ava . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john glance up again . ‘ So [I]2813-john suppose there are hundreds of [Aston Martins]149-aston martins driving around [London]3-london , and one just happens to be following [me]2813-john . ’[2813-john] Silence falls down the phone line , then [his]1356-i heavy breathing starts . ‘ [You]1359-you ’re[1356-i] driving ? ’ ‘[1356-i] Yes ! ’ [I]2813-john shriek . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m driving around in bloody circles , and [you]1359-you ’re[2813-john] following [me]2813-john . [You]1359-you ’d make [a shit detective]1360-a shit detective ! ’ ‘[1359-you] [[My]2813-john car]653-my car ’s following [you]1359-you ? ’ ‘[1359-you] Yes ! ’ [I]1359-you actually hit [my]1359-you steering wheel in a temper . Does [he]653-my car think [I]1359-you ’m[1359-you] stupid ? ‘ [Ava]536-ava , [baby]536-ava , [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] not driving [[my]2813-john car]653-my car . [I]2813-john ’m at [Lusso]95-lusso . ’[653-my car] [He]653-my car does n’t sound impatient anymore . [He]653-my car sounds concerned , which only concerns [me]2813-john . [I]2813-john take another look in [my]2813-john mirror and find [the DBS]150-the dbs is now only [one car]1362-one car behind [me]2813-john , drifting in and out of [my]2813-john sight . ‘ But it ’s [[your]2813-john car]653-my car . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john say quietly . ‘ Fuck ! ’[653-my car] [he]653-my car roars , and [I]2813-john instinctively pull the phone away from [my]2813-john ear . ‘ [John]2813-john ! ’[653-my car] ‘ [Jesse]306-jesse ? What ’s going on ? ’[2813-john] [My]2813-john stomach is suddenly a knot of panic at [his]653-my car reaction . ‘ [[My]2813-john car]653-my car ’s been stolen . ’[2813-john] ‘ Stolen ? How can [you]2813-john steal [an Aston Martin]127-aston martin ? ’[653-my car] Surely it would be impossible . ‘ Where are [you]2813-john ? ’[653-my car] [he]653-my car asks . Frantically looking around , [I]2813-john search for something familiar . ‘ [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] on [the embankment]1363-the embankment , driving towards [the city]3455-the city . ’ ‘[2813-john] [John]2813-john ! [The embankment]1363-the embankment . [City]3455-the city bound . Call [her]1365-her in two . ’ [I]88-baby hear car doors closing . ‘[88-baby] [Baby]88-baby , listen to [me]2813-john . Just keep driving , okay ? ’ ‘[88-baby] Okay . ’ [I]2813-john agree , [my]2813-john earlier anger giving way to pure fear . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’ve got to put the phone down now . ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john do n’t want [you]1366-you to . ’ [I]2813-john murmur . ‘[2813-john] Stay on the phone , please . ’ ‘[536-ava] [Ava]536-ava , [I]2813-john ’ve got to put the phone down . [John]2813-john ’s going to call [you]1366-you as soon as [I]2813-john hang up . Put it on loudspeaker and place it in [your]1366-you lap so [you]1366-you can concentrate . Understand ? ’ [He]2813-john ’s trying to stay calm , but [he]2813-john ’s failing to conceal [his]2813-john distress . It ’s thick in [his]2813-john husky voice , and [I]536-ava ’m[536-ava] frightened by it . ‘ [Ava]536-ava , [baby]536-ava . Tell [me]536-ava [you]1366-you understand ! ’[536-ava] ‘ [I]2813-john understand . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john whisper , and then the distinctive roar of a motorbike pours down the line . One of [Jesse]306-jesse ’s bikes . The phone goes dead . [My]2813-john heart has gone berserk and is punching its way through [my]2813-john chest , [my]2813-john hand is visibly shaking on the wheel and [my]2813-john eyes are glazing over with panic fuelled tears . When [my]2813-john phone starts ringing , [I]2813-john fumble with the keypad until [I]2813-john manage to connect the call . ‘ [John]2813-john ? ’[2813-john] ‘ Hey , [girl]566-good girl . Are [you]2813-john on hands free ? ’[2813-john] ‘ No , wait . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john quickly place the call on loudspeaker before dropping [my]2813-john phone into [my]2813-john lap and replacing [my]2813-john hand on the wheel , gripping harder to try and stop the shakes . ‘ [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] done . [I]2813-john ’ve done it . ’ ‘[566-good girl] S’all good , [girl]566-good girl . ’ [He]306-jesse sounds so calm . ‘[566-good girl] Just take a quick peek and tell [me]2813-john how far back [[Jesse]306-jesse ’s car]1362-one car is . ’ [I]566-good girl do as [I]566-good girl ’m[566-good girl] told . ‘ It ’s only [one car]1362-one car behind . ’[306-jesse] [He]306-jesse hums a little . ‘ [I]306-jesse want [you]306-jesse to drive as slowly as possible , without looking suspicious . Just below the limit , [you]306-jesse got it ? ’[306-jesse] [I]2813-john instantly ease off the accelerator a little . ‘ Okay . ’[2813-john] ‘ [Good girl]566-good girl . Now , tell [me]2813-john exactly where [you]306-jesse are . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john glance to [my]2813-john left . ‘ [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] approaching [Millennium Bridge]27-millennium bridge . ’ ‘[2813-john] That ’s good . ’ [he]306-jesse muses . ‘[2813-john] Concentrate on [the road]577-the road now . ’ ‘[2813-john] Okay . Why are [you]1370-i so calm ? ’ [I]1370-i ask . [I]1370-i ’m[1370-i] not complaining because it ’s rubbing off on [me]2813-john . An air of serenity is traveling down the line and calming [me]2813-john , which is crazy , considering the source of it — a giant , mean looking , wraparound wearing black man , who oozes terror . ‘ [One crazy mother fucker]3468-one crazy mother fucker is enough , do n’t [you]306-jesse think ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john manage a small smile through [my]2813-john growing fear . ‘ Yes , ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john agree . ‘ Now , tell [me]2813-john how [you]306-jesse ’ve been today . ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john asks it like [we]1371-we ’re having a perfectly normal conversation . ‘[2813-john] Fine . [I]2813-john ’ve been fine . ’ Of course , [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] not being truthful , but what sort of question is that when [I]2813-john ’m being chased down in [a car]572-a car ? What next ? [An axe wielding madman]3470-an axe wielding madman ? [Jesus]306-jesse , since [I]2813-john ’ve met [this man]306-jesse [I]2813-john ’ve been through the wringer , but this is going into the realms of a Hollywood blockbuster . Who the hell is following [me]2813-john ? ‘[2813-john] [He]2813-john ’ll be [an extraordinary daddy]2813-john , [Ava]536-ava . ’ [John]2813-john ’s softly spoken words that seep from the phone and seem to linger in the closed air around [me]2813-john , immediately pull [me]2813-john back . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john know [he]2813-john will . ’ [I]2813-john ca n’t see [John]2813-john , but if [I]2813-john could , [I]2813-john know [I]2813-john would see that illusive gold tooth . ‘[2813-john] So [you]1372-you two are going to stop fucking about and sort this shit out ? ’ [He]2813-john sounds like [a father]3471-a father , and [my]2813-john fondness grows for the burly beast of [a man]448-a man . ‘[2813-john] Yes , ’ [I]2813-john agree . ‘[2813-john] Oh ! ’ [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] suddenly thrust forward in [my]2813-john seat and [my]2813-john seatbelt locks , pulling straight across [my]2813-john collarbone and burning the skin beneath [my]2813-john dress . ‘ [Ava]536-ava ? ’[2813-john] [John]2813-john ’s voice is distant and muffled , and [I]2813-john ca n’t work out why . ‘ [Ava]536-ava , [girl]536-ava ! ’[2813-john] ‘ [John]2813-john ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john feel around on [my]2813-john lap , but there ’s nothing . ‘ [John]2813-john ! ’[2813-john] Bang ! [I]2813-john ’m jolted forward again , [my]2813-john arms instinctively locking on the wheel and sending a sharp flash of pain straight up to [my]2813-john shoulders . ‘[2813-john] Shit ! ’ [I]2813-john look in the rear view mirror and freeze when [I]2813-john see the DBS now directly behind [me]2813-john , but it ’s quite a way back . ‘[2813-john] [John]2813-john ? ’ [I]2813-john yell . ‘[2813-john] [John]2813-john , can [you]2813-john hear [me]2813-john ? ’ [My]2813-john eyes are moving constantly from [the road]577-the road ahead to the mirror , back and forth , and each time [they]3474-they ’re[2813-john] back on the mirror , [[Jesse]306-jesse ’s car]653-my car is closer . [I]2813-john attempt to step on the accelerator , but all body functions are failing [me]2813-john , except [my]2813-john eyes which are watching in horror as [the DBS]2996-the dbs gains on [me]2813-john . Bang ! ‘ No ! ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john cry , as [I]2813-john swerve and struggle to regain control on [[my]2813-john Mini]971-my mini . [I]2813-john do n’t stand a chance . [My]2813-john brain is being inundated by a million different orders , but [I]2813-john ca n’t gather any cognitive thought to establish [my]2813-john best move . [I]2813-john straighten up [[my]2813-john car]653-my car to be immediately hit again . Now [I]2813-john ’m crying . [My]2813-john emotions are taking hold , telling [me]2813-john that [I]2813-john should be crying , that [I]2813-john should be frightened . And [I]2813-john am . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] terrified . Crash ! This time [I]2813-john lose complete control . [I]2813-john scream as the wheel starts spinning of its own accord , and [I]2813-john ’m suddenly travelling sideways down the carriage way . Then [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] hit again and facing forward once more . [I]2813-john frantically grapple with the steering wheel , but it ’s got a mind of its own and in a total panic , [I]2813-john yank at the handbrake . [I]2813-john ’m not sure what happens next , but [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] thrown forward and back again , and [I]2813-john ’m dizzy , blurred images whirling past the windows . [Buildings]3475-buildings , [people]2834-people and [cars]679-cars are all spinning around [me]2813-john until eventually a loud crash rings through [my]2813-john ears , [my]2813-john body jolts violently and [my]2813-john eyes close . [I]2813-john do n’t know where [I]2813-john am . But [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] still . [I]2813-john ’m not moving anymore . [I]2813-john flex [my]2813-john neck on a groan and open [my]2813-john eyes to look out of the window . The traffic has stopped . All of it . [People]2834-people are getting out of [[their]2834-people cars]3478-their cars and wandering over to [me]2813-john . [I]2813-john shuffle [my]2813-john legs and move [my]2813-john arms , quickly noting that [I]2813-john have feeling in all of [them]2834-people , before [I]2813-john unclip [my]2813-john belt and let [myself]2813-john out of [[my]2813-john car]653-my car . [People]2834-people are walking towards [me]2813-john , but [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] walking away . [I]2813-john ’m walking towards [the DBS]150-the dbs , which is sitting a few yards away , the engine still purring . [I]2813-john should be running in the other direction , but [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] not . [I]2813-john ’m running towards it . The desperate need to know who would do this has suddenly flattened [my]2813-john fear . Date rape , threats , and now this ? What planet if [this person]3480-this person on ? The accumulation of incidents is now hitting [me]2813-john hard . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] only a few yards away when the engine starts revving , like some sort of eerie fucked up threat . It does n’t stop [me]2813-john . What does , though , is the sound of a high powered machine getting louder and louder . [I]2813-john halt and stand rooted to the spot as [I]2813-john watch [the DBS]150-the dbs screech off , and then [[John]2813-john ’s Range Rover]1376-john ’s range rover go sailing past in pursuit . This is n’t happening to [me]2813-john . [I]2813-john want to pinch [myself]2813-john , slap [myself]2813-john across the face , or , at the very least , wake up . [I]2813-john slowly turn when it sounds like one of [Jesse]306-jesse ’s superbikes is speeding around in [my]2813-john head . [He]306-jesse skids to a stop and throws [his]306-jesse bike down before sprinting towards [me]2813-john , no leathers , no helmet , just some faded jeans and a plain black t - shirt protecting [his]306-jesse body — the clothes that [he]306-jesse yanked from the wardrobe before [he]306-jesse walked out on [me]2813-john . [I]2813-john ca n’t move . All [I]2813-john can do is wait where [I]2813-john am for [him]306-jesse to reach [me]2813-john , and [he]306-jesse soon does , [his]306-jesse hands starting to work fast strokes all over [my]2813-john stunned face as [I]2813-john stare blankly into [his]306-jesse green eyes , which are drowned in pure terror . ‘ [Ava]536-ava ? [Jesus]306-jesse , [baby]306-jesse . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m pulled into [his]306-jesse chest , one hand cradling the back of [my]2813-john head , the other wrapped around [my]2813-john waist to hold [me]2813-john tight . [I]2813-john want to hold [him]306-jesse back , [I]2813-john need to hold [him]306-jesse back , but nothing is happening when [I]2813-john tell it to happen . [I]2813-john hear [Jesse]306-jesse ’s phone ringing and [he]306-jesse releases [my]2813-john head to fish around in [his]306-jesse pocket . ‘[2813-john] [John]2813-john ? ’ Being buried under [Jesse]306-jesse ’s chin , [I]2813-john can hear the low rumble of [John]2813-john ’s pissed off voice , and [I]2813-john distinctly hear [him]2813-john asking why the fuck [he]2813-john has to own such [a stupidly fast mother fucking car]3481-a stupidly fast mother fucking car . ‘[2813-john] Where are [you]2813-john ? ’ [Jesse]306-jesse asks , kissing [my]2813-john head between words . This time [I]2813-john ca n’t hear [him]2813-john . All [I]2813-john can hear are sirens — coming from every direction are sirens . [I]2813-john pull out of [Jesse]306-jesse ’s chest and find a mass of [police cars]3482-police cars and [two ambulances]3483-two ambulances . Just for [me]2813-john ? But then [I]2813-john notice a crumple heap of [a car]572-a car , and it ’s not [mine]2813-john . Neither is the one wrapped around a lamppost nearby . [I]2813-john search through the chaos of [people]2834-people and [abandoned cars]3486-abandoned cars and spot [[my]2813-john Mini]971-my mini crunched up against some railings that are separating [the road]577-the road from [the pavement]844-the pavement . [I]2813-john shudder . ‘[2813-john] [John]2813-john , do n’t stop until [you]2813-john ’ve found out who ’s in [[my]2813-john fucking car]1377-my fucking car . ’ [Jesse]306-jesse hangs up and stuffs [his]306-jesse phone back in [his]306-jesse pocket . [He]306-jesse pulls at [my]306-jesse chin . ‘[306-jesse] Look at [me]2813-john , [baby]306-jesse . ’ [I]306-jesse gaze up at [him]306-jesse . [I]306-jesse ’m[306-jesse] not sure what to say . ‘ Where ’s [your]306-jesse helmet ? ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john takes a deep breath and claps [my]2813-john cheeks in [his]2813-john palms . ‘ Fucking hell . ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john kisses [me]2813-john hard on the lips . ‘ Why do [you]306-jesse refuse to play ball ? ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john kisses [my]2813-john nose , [my]2813-john lips , [my]2813-john eyes , [my]2813-john cheeks . ‘ [I]2813-john sent [John]2813-john to get [you]2813-john , [Ava]536-ava . Why did n’t [you]2813-john let [him]2813-john take [you]2813-john to work ? ’[2813-john] ‘ Because [I]2813-john wanted to shred [Matt]264-matt . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john admit . ‘ But [you]2813-john beat [me]2813-john to it . ’[2813-john] ‘ [I]2813-john was so angry , [Ava]536-ava . ’[2813-john] ‘ [I]2813-john would never have seen it through . [I]2813-john would n’t have killed [[our]3490-our baby]1069-our baby . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john know [I]2813-john need to say this , at the very least . ‘ Shhh . ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john continues placing [his]2813-john lips all over [my]2813-john face and [my]2813-john arms finally lift to hold [him]2813-john tightly . [I]2813-john never want to let go . ‘ Excuse [me]2813-john , [sir]536-ava . ’[2813-john] The strange voice pulls both of [our]1379-we attention to the side where [a policeman]1380-a policeman is standing . ‘ Is [the young lady]3492-the young lady okay ? ’[306-jesse] [Jesse]306-jesse looks back at [me]2813-john and starts doing an all over visual assessment . ‘ [I]306-jesse do n’t know . Are [you]1382-you okay ? ’[306-jesse] ‘ [I]306-jesse ’m[306-jesse] fine . ’ [I]306-jesse smile awkwardly . ‘[306-jesse] What about [the other drivers]1381-the other drivers ? ’ [I]306-jesse look across to [the two wrecked cars]3493-the two wrecked cars . ‘[306-jesse] Just a few cuts and bruises . ’ The copper says . ‘[1382-you] [You]1382-you were all very lucky . Shall [we]1379-we get [you]1382-you checked over before [we]1379-we run through some questions ? ’ [He]536-ava smiles kindly and signals over to [an ambulance]3494-an ambulance . [I]2813-john feel all dramatic and a bit of a bother . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john feel fine , honestly . ’ [Jesse]306-jesse growls and tosses [me]2813-john a fierce scowl . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m going to take that fine in [my]2813-john palm and slap [you]1382-you all over the arse with it . ’[2813-john] ‘ [I]2813-john am fine . ’[2813-john] [[My]2813-john car]653-my car ’s not , though . It looks terrible . [Mum]246-mum ’s insistence that [we]1379-we should never leave each other on a cross word has never hit so hard . [I]2813-john appreciate it fully , and [I]2813-john do n’t ever plan on leaving [Jesse]306-jesse on bad terms again . Never . [Jesse]306-jesse makes a meal of exhaling and flopping [his]306-jesse head back . ‘ [Ava]536-ava , do n’t defy [me]306-jesse on this , please . [I]306-jesse have no problem with pinning [you]1382-you down in [the ambulance]3495-the ambulance so [they]3496-they can confirm [you]1382-you ’re[306-jesse] okay . ’ [His]306-jesse head drops back down . ‘[1384-you] Are [you]1384-you going the easy way , or the hard way ? ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’ll go . ’ [I]2813-john agree quietly . [I]2813-john ’ll do anything [he]306-jesse says . [I]2813-john free [myself]2813-john from [his]306-jesse chest . ‘[2813-john] [My]2813-john bag , ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’ll get it . ’ [He]306-jesse sprints away . ‘[2813-john] [My]2813-john phone ’s on the floor ! ’ [I]2813-john call after [him]306-jesse , but [he]306-jesse just waves [his]306-jesse arm over [his]306-jesse head to acknowledge that [he]306-jesse heard . [He]306-jesse ’s back in seconds , and [the policeman]306-jesse leads [us]3497-us to [the ambulance]3495-the ambulance , pushing [his]306-jesse way through the growing crowds of [pedestrians]3499-pedestrians . [A paramedic on the back]3500-a paramedic on the back puts [his]306-jesse hand out to [me]2813-john , but [I]2813-john do n’t get the chance to grasp it . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] lifted and placed in [the white van]1385-the white van . ‘ Thank [you]306-jesse , ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john smile down at [Jesse]306-jesse and watch as the copper gets a pad and pen from [his]306-jesse pocket . ‘ [Sir]306-jesse , while [she]3501-she ’s being taken care of , do [you]306-jesse mind answering a few questions ? ’[2813-john] ‘ Yes , [I]2813-john do . [You]306-jesse ’ll have to wait . ’[2813-john] ‘ [Sir]306-jesse , [I]67-doctor monroe ’d like to ask [you]306-jesse a few questions . ’[67-doctor monroe] [The policeman]67-doctor monroe is n’t asking nicely this time . [Jesse]306-jesse turns [his]306-jesse full body into [him]67-doctor monroe , the edge of threat clear in [his]67-doctor monroe stance . [He]67-doctor monroe ’s trampling a copper . ‘ [[My]67-doctor monroe wife]2849-my wife and [child]3503-child are in the back of [that ambulance]3504-that ambulance and the only way [you]306-jesse ’re[67-doctor monroe] going to stop [me]2813-john from seeing to [them]1387-them is if [I]2813-john ’m dead . ’[67-doctor monroe] [He]67-doctor monroe steps back and holds [his]67-doctor monroe hands out to the side . ‘ So fucking shoot [me]67-doctor monroe . ’[67-doctor monroe] [The policeman]67-doctor monroe looks up at [me]2813-john , and [I]2813-john smile apologetically . The last thing [I]2813-john need is [Jesse]306-jesse being arrested . [I]2813-john do n’t know whether it ’s put down to emotions running high , but the copper nods and gestures for [Jesse]306-jesse to join [me]2813-john . [My]2813-john trampling [Lord]1388-lord ’s glower is still fixed to [his]1388-lord face as [he]1388-lord turns back towards [me]2813-john , but it soon falls away . [His]1388-lord face is level with [my]2813-john stomach , but [his]1388-lord eyes are currently dropped and looking at [my]2813-john bare legs . Reaching forward , [he]1388-lord runs [his]1388-lord finger up the inside of [my]2813-john calf . ‘ [Baby]88-baby , [you]88-baby ’re[1388-lord] cut . ’ [I]1388-lord glance down . ‘[1388-lord] Where ? ’ [I]1388-lord ca n’t feel anything . [I]1388-lord pull at [my]1388-lord dress , hitching it higher , but there is no sign of any cut . Higher it goes ; still more blood but no cut . [I]1388-lord look at [Jesse]306-jesse in confusion , but [he]1388-lord ’s frozen as [he]1388-lord watches [me]1388-lord searching for the source of the blood . [His]1388-lord eyes lift to [mine]1388-lord . [They]3505-they are wide and uneasy . It does n’t sit well . [I]1388-lord start shaking [my]1388-lord head as [he]1388-lord moves forward , taking [my]1388-lord dress up as far as it can go . There is no cut . The blood is coming from [my]1388-lord knickers . ‘[1388-lord] No ! ’ [I]1388-lord cry out , realisation crashing into [me]1388-lord like a tornado . ‘[1388-lord] Oh Jesus , ’ [He]95-lusso yanks the hem of [my]1388-lord dress back down and jumps up to [the ambulance]3495-the ambulance , engulfing [me]1388-lord in [his]95-lusso arms . ‘[1388-lord] Fucking hell , no . ’ ‘[95-lusso] [Sir]95-lusso ? ’ ‘[95-lusso] [Hospital]1390-hospital . NOW ! ’ [I]1388-lord ’m[1388-lord] placed on gurney gently and hear the slamming of metal doors , making [me]2813-john jump . [I]2813-john turn into [his]95-lusso chest , clutching at [his]95-lusso t - shirt and hiding [my]2813-john face from [him]95-lusso . ‘ [I]95-lusso ’m[95-lusso] sorry . ’ ‘[536-ava] Shut up , [Ava]536-ava . ’ [He]95-lusso grabs the back of [my]536-ava hair and pulls [me]536-ava out . [His]95-lusso eyes are a cloud of green . ‘[536-ava] Please , just shut up . ’ [His]95-lusso thumb drags under [my]2813-john eye , collecting some tears . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john love [you]536-ava . ’ This is [my]2813-john punishment . This is [my]2813-john penance for having such toxic thoughts . [I]2813-john deserve it , but [Jesse]306-jesse does n’t . [He]306-jesse deserves the happiness [I]2813-john know [this baby]306-jesse would ’ve given [him]306-jesse . It ’s an extension of [me]2813-john , and [I]2813-john know that [he]306-jesse ca n’t get enough [me]2813-john . [I]2813-john ’ve destroyed [his]306-jesse dream . [I]2813-john should have seen things clearer sooner . [I]2813-john should have changed [my]2813-john address at the surgery . [I]2813-john should have let [John]2813-john take [me]2813-john to work . [I]2813-john should n’t have gone to [[Matt]264-matt ’s office]1355-matt ’s office . There are so many things [I]2813-john have and have n’t done that could have changed how things are playing out . [My]2813-john shame is eating away at [me]2813-john and it will do for the rest of [my]2813-john life . It has n’t happened how [I]2813-john had stupidly first thought , but the end result is the same . [I]2813-john ’ve killed [[our]3508-we baby]1069-our baby . Chapter 19 The silence surrounding [us]3508-we is painful . The whole way in [the ambulance]3495-the ambulance , [I]2813-john sobbed and [Jesse]306-jesse constantly told [me]2813-john how much [he]306-jesse loves [me]2813-john . [I]2813-john ca n’t help but think it ’s simply because [he]306-jesse does n’t know what else to say . There ’s no comfort or reassurance coming from those three words . [He]306-jesse has n’t said it does n’t matter because [I]2813-john know it does . [He]306-jesse has n’t said it ’s not [my]2813-john fault because [I]2813-john know it is . [He]306-jesse has n’t said that [we]3508-we will be fine either , and [I]2813-john do n’t know if [we]3508-we will . Just when [I]2813-john was beginning to see light at the end of the never - ending tunnel of issues , [we]3508-we ’re[2813-john] hit with the worst kind of devastation — a damage that ca n’t be fixed . [Our]1391-our love for each other will be tested to the absolute limit now , but the dwelling ache deep inside of [me]2813-john is not filling [me]2813-john with hope . [I]2813-john ’m not sure if [we]3508-we can survive this . [He]306-jesse ’ll resent [me]2813-john forever . [He]306-jesse carries [me]2813-john from [the ambulance]3495-the ambulance , rejecting the wheelchair that ’s brought out by [a nurse]3512-a nurse . [He]306-jesse silently follows [the doctor]3089-the doctor down [the busy corridor]3514-the busy corridor , all of the time looking straight ahead and flipping one word answers to anyone who asks [him]3089-the doctor questions . [I]2813-john ca n’t feel anything except [Jesse]306-jesse ’s thundering heartbeat under [my]2813-john hand , which is resting on [his]1394-his chest . All of [my]2813-john nerve endings seem to have died . [I]2813-john ca n’t sense a thing . After what seems like an eternity of gently bobbing up and down in [Jesse]306-jesse ’s arms , [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] lowered onto [a huge hospital bed in [a private room]1393-a private room]1392-a huge hospital bed in a private room . [He]1394-his ’s gentle and all of [his]1394-his actions are tender and loving as [he]1394-his strokes [my]2813-john hair , props [my]2813-john head up slightly and covers [my]2813-john legs with the thin sheet that ’s lying at the foot of the bed . But there are still no comforting or reassuring words . [We]1395-my ’re closed in from every direction by machines and medical equipment . [A nurse]3515-beatrice stays , but [the ambulance men]3516-the ambulance men leave after giving a brief rundown on [me]1395-my , what has happened and the observations [they]3516-the ambulance men have already performed on the way to [the hospital]742-the hospital . [The nurse]3515-beatrice takes notes , sticks things in [my]1395-my ear and holds thing to [my]1395-my chest . [She]3515-beatrice asks questions , and [I]1395-my answers quietly , but the whole time , [I]1395-my keep [my]1395-my eyes on [Jesse]306-jesse , who ’s sitting in a chair with [his]306-jesse face in [his]306-jesse palms . [The nurse]3515-beatrice pulls [my]1395-my reluctant eyes away from [[my]1395-my grieving husband]3518-my grieving husband when [she]3515-beatrice hands [me]1395-my a gown . [She]3515-beatrice smiles . It ’s a sympathetic smile . Then [she]3515-beatrice leaves [the room]254-the room . [I]1395-my just hold it for a while , until so much time has passed , [I]1395-my think it could be next week , or even next year . [I]1395-my want it to be next year . Will this crippling pain and guilt be gone by next year ? [I]1395-my finally slide [myself]1395-my to the side of the bed , [my]1395-my back to [Jesse]306-jesse , and reach around to unzip [my]1395-my dress . In the quiet , [I]1395-my hear [him]306-jesse stand , like [my]1395-my movements have suddenly snapped [him]306-jesse from [his]306-jesse nightmare and [his]306-jesse obligatory duties have kicked in . [He]306-jesse comes and stands in front of [me]1395-my , but [my]1395-my stinging eyes remain on the floor . ‘[1395-my] Let [me]2813-john . ’ [he]306-jesse says softly , taking over the removal of [my]1395-my dress . ‘[1395-my] It ’s okay . [I]2813-john can manage . ’ [I]1396-you counter softy . [I]1396-you do n’t want [him]306-jesse to do anything that [he]306-jesse does n’t want to . ‘[1396-you] [You]1396-you probably can , ’ [He]306-jesse pulls [my]1396-you dress up over [my]1396-you head , ‘[1396-you] but it ’s [my]2813-john job and [I]2813-john ’d like to keep it . ’ [My]2813-john chin starts to tremble as [I]2813-john fight to restrain the persistent tears , not wanting to enflame any guilt [he]306-jesse might be feeling [himself]306-jesse . ‘[2813-john] Thank [you]1396-you , ’ [I]1396-you whisper , still keeping [my]1396-you welling eyes from [his]306-jesse line of sight . It ’s an impossible task , especially when [he]306-jesse bends and pushes [his]306-jesse face up into [my]1396-you neck , forcing [my]1396-you face up to [his]306-jesse . ‘[1396-you] Do n’t thank [me]2813-john for looking after [you]1396-you , [Ava]536-ava . It ’s what [I]2813-john ’ve been put on [this earth]1397-this earth to do . It ’s what keeps [me]2813-john [here]2799-here . Do n’t ever thank [me]2813-john for that . ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’ve ruined everything . [I]2813-john ’ve lost [your]1396-you dream . ’ [He]306-jesse pushes [me]1396-you down onto the bed and kneels in front of [me]1396-you . ‘[1396-you] [My]2813-john dream is [you]1396-you , [Ava]536-ava . Day and night , just [you]1396-you . ’ [My]2813-john vision is hazy and blurred , but [I]2813-john can clearly see the tears trickling from [his]306-jesse green eyes . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john can manage without anything , but never [you]1396-you . Not ever . Do n’t look like this , please . Do n’t look like [you]1396-you think it ’s the end . It ’s never the end for [us]1399-us . Nothing will break [us]1399-us , [Ava]536-ava . Do [you]1396-you understand [me]2813-john ? ’ [I]1396-you nod through [my]1396-you quiet weeping , unable to form words or even say them if [I]1396-you could . [He]306-jesse brushes the back of [his]306-jesse hand roughly across [his]306-jesse cheeks . ‘[1396-you] [We]1399-us let [these people]2905-these people tell [us]1399-us [you]1396-you ’re going to be okay , and then [we]1399-us go [home]2904-home to be together . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john nod again . ‘ Tell [me]2813-john [you]1396-you love [me]2813-john . ’[2813-john] A loud sob spills from [my]2813-john mouth and [my]2813-john arms find [his]2813-john shoulders and pull [him]2813-john into [me]2813-john . ‘ [I]2813-john need [you]1396-you . ’[2813-john] ‘ [I]2813-john need [you]1396-you , too . ’[2813-john] [he]2813-john whispers . [His]2813-john hands all over [my]2813-john back , despite being cool and a little shaky , give [me]2813-john all of the comfort [I]2813-john need . [We]1401-we will be okay . Heartbroken , but okay . ‘ Let [me]2813-john get [you]1396-you into this gown . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m pulled up from the bed , but [he]2813-john remains kneeling , and starts peeling [my]2813-john blood stained underwear away from [my]2813-john body . [I]2813-john ca n’t look . [I]2813-john clench [my]2813-john eyes shut and feel instead of see [my]2813-john knickers being slowly drawn down [my]2813-john thighs . The familiar feel on [his]2813-john fingertip tapping [my]2813-john ankle prompts [me]2813-john to step out , but all of the time , [I]2813-john keep [my]2813-john eyes clenched shut . For the briefest of moments , [I]2813-john know [he]2813-john has moved from in front of [me]2813-john , and then [I]2813-john hear a tap running before [he]2813-john ’s back and gently sweeping a wet cloth up the inside on [my]2813-john thigh . [My]2813-john heart constricts painfully in [my]2813-john chest , and [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] gulping back tears repeatedly . ‘ Arms , ’[306-jesse] [Jesse]306-jesse ’s soft instruction encourages [me]2813-john to open [my]2813-john eyes . [I]2813-john find [him]306-jesse holding the gown in front of [me]2813-john . [My]2813-john arms thread through , and [I]2813-john ’m turned so [he]306-jesse can fasten it . ‘[2813-john] Up [you]1402-you get . ’ [he]306-jesse orders . [I]536-ava shift [myself]536-ava back into position , just as there ’s a knock on the door . [Jesse]306-jesse calls an okay . [The same nurse]3521-the same nurse has returned , but this time [she]3521-the same nurse has [a white coated doctor]3089-the doctor with [her]3521-the same nurse . [He]3089-the doctor shuts the door softly and nods at [Jesse]306-jesse , who is suddenly more alert , and [I]536-ava know why . [The doctor]3089-the doctor has a fiddle with the machine at the side of [me]536-ava , and then perches on the edge of the bed . ‘[536-ava] How are [you]1402-you feeling , [Ava]536-ava ? ’ [he]306-jesse asks . ‘[536-ava] Fine . ’ The one word that [Jesse]306-jesse has threatened to spank [my]2813-john arse with just slips right out . [He]306-jesse sighs but does n’t say anything . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m okay , thank [you]1402-you . ’[2813-john] ‘ Okay , no aches or pains , cuts or bruises ? ’[2813-john] ‘ No , nothing . ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john smiles mildly and folds back the sheet that ’s covering [my]2813-john stomach . ‘ Let ’s see what ’s going on . Would [you]1402-you like to pull the gown up so [I]2813-john can feel [you]1402-you tummy ? ’[2813-john] Even now , when [we]1403-we are in [the darkest most desperate place]1404-the darkest most desperate place , [I]2813-john can feel [Jesse]306-jesse ’s tenseness at the prospect of another man laying [his]306-jesse hands on [me]2813-john . [I]2813-john glance over to [him]306-jesse and give pleading eyes , but [he]306-jesse just shakes [his]306-jesse head . ‘ [I]306-jesse might step outside . ’[306-jesse] [he]306-jesse says quietly , stepping back towards the door . ‘ Do n’t [you]306-jesse dare ! ’[306-jesse] [I]2813-john cry . ‘ Do n’t [you]306-jesse dare leave [me]306-jesse . ’[306-jesse] [I]2813-john know [he]306-jesse ’s struggling , and [I]2813-john know the idea of [another man]308-another man touching [me]2813-john is unbearable for [him]308-another man , even if it is over - the - top and only part of [his]308-another man unreasonable possessiveness , but [he]308-another man can overcome that now . [He]308-another man has to overcome that now . [The Doctor]3089-the doctor looks between [us]1407-us , a little baffled , and waits for [Jesse]306-jesse to take the initiative and join [me]2813-john at the bed . What will [I]2813-john do if [he]308-another man walks out ? [I]2813-john do n’t think [I]2813-john could bear it , but then [he]308-another man inhales what seems to be a long , controlled gathering of strength and comes to sit next to [me]2813-john . [My]2813-john hand is picked up and encased in both of [his]308-another man before [he]308-another man brings the bundle to [his]308-another man chest and drops [his]308-another man head to it . [He]308-another man ca n’t watch . [I]2813-john ’m flanked on both sides , one man pushing [my]2813-john gown up and feeling around on [my]2813-john stomach , the other breathing deeply and squeezing [my]2813-john hand . [I]2813-john just rest [my]2813-john head back and stare up at the ceiling , wishing this could be over so [Jesse]306-jesse can take [me]2813-john [home]2904-home and [we]3524-we can start painfully processing what has happened . Who was in [the DBS]150-the dbs ? This is sheading a whole new light on [my]2813-john blacking out episode in the bar . Surely [Mikael]74-mikael is n’t so wrapped up in revenge that [he]308-another man would go to these lengths . ‘[2813-john] This will be a little chilly . ’ [The Doctor]3089-the doctor says as [his]3089-the doctor squirts some gel on [my]2813-john abdomen . [He]3089-the doctor starts rolling the device around while [he]3089-the doctor watches the screen , and [the small room]3526-the small room is instantly filled with a wishy - washy distortion of crackling and whirring . [He]3089-the doctor hums and makes odd noises as [he]3089-the doctor flicks switches with [his]3089-the doctor spare hand and pushes the grey contraption firmly into [my]2813-john stomach . It does n’t hurt . Nothing hurts because [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] still totally numb . And then [he]1408-i stops moving [his]1408-i hand and stops flicking buttons on the huge machine . [I]2813-john sneak a peek at [the Doctor]3089-the doctor , finding [him]1408-i looking intently at the screen . [He]1408-i eventually looks at [me]2813-john . ‘ Everything is okay , [Ava]536-ava . ’[1408-i] ‘ [I]1408-i ’m[1408-i] sorry ? ’ [I]1408-i whisper . [My]1408-i dying heart has suddenly roused and is climbing up to [my]1408-i throat , set on choking [me]1408-i with shock . ‘[1408-i] Everything is okay . Light bleeding in early pregnancy can be perfectly normal , but given the circumstances , it ’s wise for [us]1410-us to be cautious . ’ [I]1408-i can feel [Jesse]306-jesse ’s hands tightening around [mine]1408-i , slowly constricting until [I]1408-i hiss a little with pain . [He]1408-i eases off immediately and slowly raises [his]1408-i head until [his]1408-i eyes find [mine]1408-i . [They]3527-they are wide green pools of shock and [his]1408-i cheeks are drenched . [I]1408-i shake [my]1408-i head mildly , like out of all the horror today had brought ; it ’s this bit that [I]1408-i must be dreaming about . [We]1410-us ’re[1408-i] both just staring at each other , [neither one of [us]1410-us]294-neither one of us knowing how to handle this news . [He]294-neither one of us goes to speak , but nothing comes out . [I]2813-john go to say something , too , but no words materialise . [He]294-neither one of us stands up , sits back down again , and then re - stands , letting go of [my]2813-john hand . ‘ [Ava]536-ava ’s still pregnant ? [She]3528-she ’s … [she]3528-she ’s … there ’s … [we]1410-us ’re[294-neither one of us] … ’ [The doctor]3089-the doctor laughs a little ‘[294-neither one of us] Yes , [Ava]536-ava is still pregnant , [Mr Ward]306-jesse . Sit down , [I]2813-john ’ll show [you]2813-john . ’ [Jesse]306-jesse turns stunned eyes to [me]2813-john briefly before directing [them]3530-them at the monitor of the machine . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’ll stand , if [you]2813-john do n’t mind . [I]2813-john need to feel [my]2813-john legs . ’ [He]294-neither one of us leans over the bed slightly , [his]294-neither one of us eyes squinting . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john do n’t see anything . ’ It ’s hard , but [I]2813-john pull [my]2813-john eyes away from [[my]2813-john dazed husband]3531-my dazed husband and take a look [myself]2813-john , but all [I]2813-john can see is a black and white jumble of fuzz . [The Doctor]3089-the doctor points at the screen . ‘[2813-john] There , look . Two perfect heartbeats . ’ [I]2813-john frown to [myself]2813-john . Two heartbeats ? [Jesse]306-jesse recoils and almost scowls at [the doctor]3089-the doctor . ‘[2813-john] [[My]2813-john baby]727-my baby has two hearts ? ’ [The doctor]3089-the doctor laughs and turns amused eyes onto [us]3533-us . ‘[306-jesse] No , [Mr Ward]306-jesse . Each of [[your]1413-your babies]1414-your babies has one heart , and both are beating just fine . ’ [His]306-jesse mouth falls open and [he]306-jesse starts walking backwards until the backs of [his]306-jesse legs hit a chair and [he]306-jesse collapses , [his]306-jesse arse colliding loudly with the seat . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m sorry , say that again . ’[306-jesse] [he]306-jesse murmurs . [The Doctor]3089-the doctor chuckles . [He]306-jesse finds this funny ? [I]2813-john do n’t . [I]2813-john ’ve gone from having [one baby]1416-one baby , to having [no baby]3109-no baby , to having two babies ? At least , that ’s what [I]2813-john think [he]306-jesse ’s saying . [The white coated man]306-jesse turns [his]306-jesse body fully towards [Jesse]306-jesse . ‘ [Mr Ward]306-jesse . Let [me]306-jesse put this into plain English , if it will help . ’[306-jesse] ‘ Please , ’[306-jesse] [Jesse]306-jesse whispers . ‘ [[Your]306-jesse wife]2962-your wife is expecting [twins]3535-twins . ’[306-jesse] ‘ Oh fuck , ’[306-jesse] [he]306-jesse gulps . [He]306-jesse looks at [me]2813-john , but if [he]306-jesse ’s expecting any words , a facial expression , or anything , then [he]306-jesse ’s looking in vain . [I]2813-john ’m still numb and truly shocked . [Twins]3535-twins ? ‘[2813-john] About six weeks , [I]2813-john would say . ’ Yes , [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] stunned , but [I]2813-john know damn well that that ’s impossible . [I]2813-john had a period five - ish weeks ago . [I]2813-john ca n’t be any more than four weeks . ‘ [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] sorry , that ca n’t be right . [I]2813-john ’ve had a period within that time and was on the pill previous to that . ’ [He]306-jesse does n’t need to know that [I]2813-john missed a few here and there . It ’s irrelevant now . ‘[2813-john] [You]1418-i had a period ? ’ [he]306-jesse asks . ‘[1418-i] Yes ! ’ ‘[1418-i] That ’s not unusual . ’ [he]306-jesse flips casually . ‘[1418-i] Let [me]2813-john do some measurements . ’ It ’s not ? [I]1418-i glance across at [Jesse]306-jesse warily , seeing nothing but a lean physique frozen in place . [He]306-jesse looks like [he]306-jesse ’s been fossilised . Is [he]306-jesse so excited now ? [I]1418-i do n’t know , but [he]306-jesse had better get used to it . This is revenge at its best . [He]306-jesse did n’t bargain on this , and if [I]1418-i was n’t so shell - shocked , then [I]1418-i think [I]1418-i ’d be smug . [I]1418-i think [I]1418-i would laugh in [his]306-jesse stunned , handsome face and tell [him]306-jesse that [he]306-jesse asked for this . [He]306-jesse ’s going to be [a daddy]1211-a daddy , all right . [[My]1418-i challenging , neurotic ex - playboy]3537-my challenging , neurotic ex - playboy has a challenge on [his]306-jesse hands , and it ’s called [a hormone frenzied wife]3538-a hormone frenzied wife and [two screaming babies]3539-our babies . [I]1418-i actually smile to [myself]1418-i as [I]1418-i lie back on the pillow and drift off to [a fantasy land of chaos]3540-a fantasy land of chaos , [a place where [Jesse]306-jesse is pulling [his]306-jesse hair out while [I]1418-i look on , smiling as [[our]3541-our two toddlers]3542-our two toddlers]3540-a fantasy land of chaos run around [his]306-jesse ankles , vying for [his]306-jesse attention — a fantasy land that ’s going to be all too real very soon . [[My]1418-i Lord]2765-my lord is going to have some stiff competition in [the demanding department]3544-the demanding department because one thing [I]1418-i wholeheartedly wish for most is that both of [these babies]3539-our babies have every irritating trait that [he]306-jesse does . [I]1418-i hope [they]3539-our babies take after [[their]3539-our babies father]3545-their father , and [I]1418-i hope [they]3539-our babies challenge [him]306-jesse every day for the rest of [his]306-jesse life . [I]1418-i look at [his]306-jesse motionless frame and smile on the inside . [I]1418-i also hope [they]3539-our babies are just like [him]306-jesse because [he]306-jesse ’s beautiful and bursting at the seams with pure intense love . Love for [me]1418-i , and love for [[our]3546-us babies]3539-our babies . [I]1418-i ’ve just landed softly on [Central Jesse Cloud Nine]306-jesse . * * * After being told to take it easy for a day or two and being checked for whiplash , [the doctor]3089-the doctor printed off a picture and sent [us]3546-us on [our]3546-us way . [We]3546-us strolled out of the hospital hand in hand , with [Jesse]306-jesse holding the little black and white scan picture gently at the corner . [I]1418-i guided [him]306-jesse the whole way because [he]306-jesse was too rapt by the photo to look where [he]306-jesse was going . [John]2813-john picked [us]3546-us up and dropped [us]3546-us at [Lusso]95-lusso , and laughed the hardest [I]1418-i ’d ever seen when [I]1418-i told [him]306-jesse the news that [we]3546-us ’d just received . [I]1418-i told [him]306-jesse because [Jesse]306-jesse still was n’t talking , not even to ask [John]2813-john if [he]2813-john caught [the DBS]150-the dbs . So [I]1418-i did . [He]2813-john lost [the mother]3548-the mother fucking thing . [We]3546-us passed [Casey]95-lusso , who looked a little shocked that [he]2813-john was n’t growled at , and [I]1418-i directed [Jesse]306-jesse into [the elevator]604-the elevator and just about coaxed the new code from [him]2813-john . [He]2813-john did n’t tell [me]1418-i it . [He]2813-john just absentmindedly punched in the four digits . 3,2,1,0 [I]1418-i fall apart on the inside , but maintain all seriousness on the outside . [We]3550-we ’re[1418-i] now in [the kitchen]3044-the kitchen , [Jesse]306-jesse slumped on the stool , still staring at the picture , and [me]2813-john sipping a glass of water , waiting for [him]306-jesse to spring back to life . [I]2813-john ’ll give [him]306-jesse half an hour , then [I]2813-john ’ll chuck some cold water over [him]306-jesse . [I]2813-john go [upstairs]316-downstairs , call [Kate]2774-kate , and listen to [her]2774-kate gasp in shock — first at the news of [my]2813-john dramatic car chase , then at the news of [twins]3535-twins . [I]2813-john take a shower and dry [my]2813-john hair , then throw on [my]2813-john Thai fisherman pants , smiling when [I]2813-john realise that these will grow with [my]2813-john belly . When [I]2813-john get back [downstairs]316-downstairs , [Jesse]306-jesse is still sitting motionless at [the island]903-the island , staring at the scan picture . Feeling a little frustrated , [I]2813-john sit next to [him]306-jesse and pull [his]306-jesse face to [mine]2813-john . ‘ Are [you]306-jesse going to speak anytime soon ? ’[306-jesse] [His]306-jesse eyes roam all over [my]2813-john face for so long , until they eventually land on [mine]2813-john . ‘ [I]306-jesse ca n’t fucking breathe , [Ava]536-ava . ’[306-jesse] ‘ [I]306-jesse ’m[306-jesse] shocked , too . ’ [I]2813-john admit , although clearly not as shocked as [him]306-jesse . [His]306-jesse lip slowly slips through [his]306-jesse teeth which seem to clamp down severely , [his]306-jesse cogs firing into action in [his]306-jesse head . It makes [me]2813-john immediately wary . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john was [a twin]1423-a twin . ’ [he]306-jesse says quietly . Chapter 20 [I]2813-john shrink back on [my]2813-john stool and drop [his]306-jesse chin , and for the millionth time in one day , [I]2813-john ca n’t form any words . Nothing . Absolutely zero inspiration is coming to [me]2813-john . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] more shocked now than at any other point during this long day . [He]2813-john smiles mildly . ‘ [[My]2813-john spirited girl]3551-my spirited girl is speechless . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john am . Well and truly floored , in fact . [You]1424-you would think [I]2813-john ’d be used to shock and surprise from [this man]2813-john , but no , [he]2813-john gets [me]2813-john every bloody time . Reaching up , [he]2813-john strokes [my]2813-john cheek gently and slides [his]2813-john hand onto [my]2813-john neck , circling [his]2813-john thumb on [my]2813-john throat softly . ‘ Have a bath with [me]2813-john . ’[2813-john] [he]2813-john says quietly , rising from the stool and pulling [me]2813-john up . ‘ [I]2813-john need to be with [you]2813-john . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m lifted up to [his]2813-john body , [my]2813-john arms sliding around [his]2813-john shoulders and [my]2813-john legs finding [their]3552-their favourite place as [he]2813-john walks [us]3553-us [upstairs]2927-upstairs . It takes no thought or any mental encouragement for [my]2813-john lips to find [his]2813-john neck and kiss [him]2813-john . Just kiss [him]2813-john and smell [him]2813-john and feel [him]2813-john , all of [his]2813-john minty freshness and all of [his]2813-john hard edges comforting [me]2813-john deeply . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] not going to press [him]2813-john for information . [He]2813-john could ’ve easily used [our]1425-our recent news as the reason for [his]2813-john shock and [I]2813-john would have believed [him]2813-john , but [he]2813-john did n’t . [He]2813-john ’s shared something , a part of [himself]2813-john . [He]2813-john ’s confessed that [he]2813-john was [a twin]1423-a twin , not that [he]2813-john is [a twin]1423-a twin . And now [[his]2813-john wife]79-irene is pregnant with [twins]3535-twins , and it has clearly unearthed something from deep within [him]2813-john . [He]2813-john places [me]2813-john on [the vanity unit in [the bathroom]2800-the bathroom]1429-the vanity unit in the bathroom and sets about [his]2813-john usual bath time routine of testing the temperature , pouring in the bath soak and swishing to instigate some bubbles . [He]2813-john collects the towels , arranges the toiletries by the side of the tub , and then returns to [me]2813-john once [he]2813-john ’s done and the bath is full . [He]2813-john reaches to pull [my]2813-john vest up , resting [his]2813-john lips on [mine]2813-john as [he]2813-john does , and [we]1431-our fall straight into a slow massaging of [each other]3052-each other ’s tongues as [he]2813-john works [my]2813-john clothing , only pulling away briefly to get [my]2813-john vest past [my]2813-john face before [we]1431-our find [ourselves]1431-our again and continue with [our]1431-our sweet , lingering kiss . It ’s a special kiss . A really special one , and [I]2813-john delay pulling off [his]2813-john t - shirt , just so [I]2813-john do n’t have to leave [his]2813-john lips . This kiss is not leading to an intense love making session . This kiss is leading to [him]2813-john sharing something painful . Right now , when [he]2813-john ’s pouring [his]2813-john love into [me]2813-john through [our]1431-our kiss , is [his]2813-john way of finding the strength to tell [me]2813-john [his]2813-john story . It ’s [his]2813-john way of ensuring that [I]2813-john ’m real before [he]2813-john off loads a past of pain . [My]2813-john hands find [their]1431-our way under [his]2813-john t - shirt and to the hard , rippling waves of [his]2813-john stomach . ‘[2813-john] Take it off . ’ [he]2813-john says between [our]1431-our mouths . ‘[2813-john] Please , take away everything between [us]1431-our . ’ [His]2813-john request makes [me]2813-john falter slightly , but when [his]2813-john lips press a little harder , [I]2813-john find [my]2813-john flow again . That was n’t just a plea to remove [his]2813-john clothes . [I]2813-john work fast . The urgency to get [his]2813-john bare skin on [mine]2813-john is very quickly [my]2813-john top priority , so [I]2813-john drop [his]2813-john mouth and pull [his]2813-john t - shirt up , then start on [his]2813-john jeans , pushing them down [his]2813-john legs so [he]2813-john can kick them off . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] pulled down from the unit , [my]2813-john Thai pants are removed and [my]2813-john lace knickers are drawn down [my]2813-john thighs . [I]2813-john do n’t miss the quick check for blood . There is none . [[Our]1433-our babies]3539-our babies are okay . [I]2813-john ’m lifted to [him]2813-john , [my]2813-john hands sliding straight into [his]2813-john hair and [my]2813-john lips falling straight to [his]2813-john mouth as [he]2813-john steps into the bath with [me]2813-john wrapped around [him]2813-john and lowers to [his]2813-john knees . ‘[2813-john] Is the water okay ? ’ [he]2813-john mumbles as [I]2813-john settle on [his]2813-john thighs . ‘[2813-john] Fine , ’ [I]2813-john press [my]2813-john body into [his]2813-john , [my]2813-john breasts flattening against the vast hardness of [his]2813-john chest , [my]2813-john elbows resting on [his]2813-john shoulders while [my]2813-john hands roam all over [his]2813-john head and [my]2813-john lips work relentlessly but softly . ‘[2813-john] Always fine , ’ [he]2813-john whispers . ‘[2813-john] Always perfect if [I]2813-john have [you]2813-john , ’ ‘[2813-john] [You]2813-john have [me]2813-john , ’ [His]2813-john fingers thread through [my]2813-john hair and grip before [he]2813-john pulls [me]2813-john back . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] breathing all over [his]2813-john face . ‘ [You]2813-john do know that , do n’t [you]2813-john ? ’[2813-john] ‘ [You]2813-john married [me]2813-john , of course [I]2813-john know . ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john shakes [his]2813-john head and grabs [my]2813-john hand , pulling off [my]2813-john wedding ring and holding it up . ‘ Do [you]2813-john think this signifies [my]2813-john love for [you]2813-john ? ’[2813-john] ‘ Yes , ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john admit quietly . [He]2813-john smiles a little , as if [I]2813-john just do n’t get it . [I]2813-john do n’t . ‘ Then [we]3555-we should get these diamonds removed and have it re - encrusted with [my]2813-john heart . ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john slowly slides it back onto [my]2813-john finger . [I]2813-john dissolve in [his]2813-john lap and reach forward , resting [my]2813-john palm on [his]2813-john chest . ‘ [I]2813-john like [your]2813-john heart exactly where it is . ’[2813-john] Leaning down , [I]2813-john place [my]2813-john lips on [his]2813-john skin . ‘ [I]2813-john like how it swells when [you]2813-john look at [me]2813-john . ’[2813-john] ‘ Just for [you]2813-john , [baby]2813-john . ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john pushes [our]1435-our mouths together and spends a few moments reinforcing exactly that . ‘ Let [me]2813-john bathe [you]2813-john . ’[2813-john] [he]2813-john mumbles , working [his]2813-john lips down to [my]2813-john throat . ‘ Turn around for [me]2813-john . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john begrudgingly let [him]2813-john shift [me]2813-john from [his]2813-john lap so [he]2813-john can come off [his]2813-john knees and sit back before [he]2813-john arranges [me]2813-john between [his]2813-john thighs and starts with [his]2813-john bathing routine . [I]2813-john sigh contentedly but say nothing . And [I]2813-john do n’t plan on instigating tub - talk , either . Not this time . This is for [him]2813-john to lead . Of course , [my]2813-john curious mind has gone into overdrive , but [I]2813-john will not be [the first one]1436-the first one to break the comfortable silence . Besides , [I]2813-john ’m lapping up the affection on [Central Jesse Cloud Nine]306-jesse , and [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] revelling in it . [[My]2813-john Lord]2765-my lord ’s past holds no significance to [our]1438-our future . [He]2813-john has said that before and now , more than ever , [I]2813-john know just what [he]2813-john meant . ‘ Are [you]2765-my lord fine ? ’[2813-john] [he]2813-john asks , working the sponge around the base of [my]2813-john neck . [I]2813-john smile down into the water . ‘ [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] okay . ’ [I]2813-john watch the water ripple , the little waves lapping around [me]2813-john as [he]2813-john moves in closer and rests [his]2813-john mouth at [my]2813-john ear . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m a little worried about [my]2813-john defiant little temptress . ’[2813-john] [he]2813-john whispers . [I]2813-john do n’t want to come over all hot and tingly , but it ’s something [I]2813-john ’ll never prevent when [he]2813-john ’s near , let alone breathing in [my]2813-john ear . [I]2813-john push [my]2813-john cheek into [him]2813-john . ‘ Why ? ’[2813-john] ‘ Because [she]3556-she ’s too quiet when there ’s information to be had . ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john kisses [my]2813-john temple and lays back , taking [me]2813-john with [him]2813-john . ‘ If [you]3020-my girl want to tell [me]2813-john , then [you]3020-my girl will . ’[2813-john] [His]2813-john chest jolts a little beneath [me]2813-john on a silent laugh . ‘ [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] not sure [I]2813-john like what pregnancy is doing to [[my]2813-john girl]3020-my girl . ’ [His]2813-john hands come over and rest on [my]3020-my girl stomach . ‘[3020-my girl] First of all , [she]3020-my girl ’s developed a phobia of [my]2813-john cock in [her]3020-my girl mouth . ’ [He]2813-john lifts [his]2813-john hips into [my]3020-my girl lower back , as if demonstrating what [I]3020-my girl ’m[3020-my girl] missing . [I]2813-john know exactly what [I]2813-john ’m missing , and [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] not liking it . ‘ And secondly , [she]3020-my girl ’s not blessing [me]2813-john with [her]3020-my girl forceful demands for intelligence . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john shrug nonchalantly . ‘ [[My]1440-we Lord]2765-my lord is n’t blessing [me]1440-we with [his]2765-my lord wide range of expert fucking ’s , so [we]1440-we ’re[1440-we] even , are n’t [we]1440-we ? ’ [He]2765-my lord laughs , and [I]1440-we ’m[1440-we] a little annoyed that [I]2813-john ’m not facing [him]2765-my lord because if [I]1441-i was , [I]1441-i know [I]1441-i ’d see the sparkle in [his]2765-my lord eyes and the light fans at the corners . ‘[1441-i] But [she]1441-i ’s still blessing [me]2813-john with [her]1441-i filthy mouth . ’ [He]2765-my lord gives [me]1441-i a little tweak above [my]1441-i hipbone , and [I]1441-i perform a little jerk and a yelp before [he]2765-my lord lets [me]1441-i settle again . The silence settles , too . [I]1441-i know [his]2765-my lord mind ’s cogs are racing because [I]1441-i can hear [them]3558-them . It ’s almost like [he]2765-my lord wants [me]1441-i to force [him]2765-my lord into spilling , but [I]1441-i ’m[1441-i] not going to . [We]1442-we ’re in a silent stand - off . [He]2765-my lord eventually sighs and starts circling tiny rings with [his]2765-my lord fingertips on each side of [my]1443-a genius bellybutton . ‘[1443-a genius] [His]1443-a genius name was [Jake]786-jake . ’ [He]1443-a genius does n’t say any more than that . [He]1443-a genius just gives [me]1444-me [[his]1443-a genius twin]3559-his twin ’s name and says no more , and [I]1444-me just lie quietly on [him]1443-a genius , waiting for [him]1443-a genius to elaborate . [He]1443-a genius needs to do this in [his]1443-a genius own time and without any encouragement from [me]1444-me . [I]1444-me know that [he]1443-a genius wants [me]1444-me to lead on from here , but [I]1444-me need [him]1443-a genius to confess everything willingly . ‘[1444-me] [You]1444-me ’re doing this on purpose , are n’t [you]1444-me ? ’[1443-a genius] [he]1443-a genius asks . [He]1443-a genius knows , so [I]2813-john remain silent . And then [he]1443-a genius sighs again , [my]2813-john body rising and falling with [him]1443-a genius . ‘ [He]1443-a genius idolised [me]1443-a genius . [He]1443-a genius wanted to be [me]1443-a genius . [I]1443-a genius ’ll never understand it . ’[1443-a genius] [He]1443-a genius sounds angry , and [I]2813-john ’m suddenly moving , being turned around to face [him]1443-a genius . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] now on [my]2813-john stomach , spread all over [him]1443-a genius and looking up into green grief . ‘ [I]2813-john ca n’t do this on [my]2813-john own , [baby]306-jesse . Help [me]2813-john . ’[2813-john] [My]2813-john instincts kick in and [I]2813-john push [myself]2813-john up [his]1443-a genius body , settling higher so [I]2813-john can get [my]2813-john face in the crook of [his]1443-a genius neck . ‘ Were [you]151-twins not alike ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ask . [Twins]151-twins must surely be alike . ‘ [We]151-twins were the furthest away from alike [you]151-twins could get . In looks and personality . ’[151-twins] ‘ [He]1443-a genius was n’t [a God]3561-a god ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ask quietly , thinking maybe [I]2813-john ‘ ve just suggested that [[his]1443-a genius twin brother]3562-his twin brother was ugly . [I]1443-a genius did n’t mean it like that , but it would be the furthest away from [Jesse]306-jesse . [His]306-jesse hands caress [my]1443-a genius back gently . ‘[1443-a genius] [He]1443-a genius was [a genius]1443-a genius . ’ ‘[1443-a genius] How is that far away from [you]1443-a genius ? ’ [I]786-jake ask . ‘[786-jake] [Jake]786-jake had [his]1443-a genius brain to get [him]1443-a genius by , [I]2813-john had [my]2813-john looks and [I]2813-john used them , as [you]1443-a genius well know . [Jake]786-jake did n’t use [his]786-jake brain . If [he]786-jake did , [he]786-jake would n’t be dead . ’ Oh ? [I]786-jake take back all previous thoughts because now questions are popping into [my]786-jake mind left , right and centre , and [I]786-jake ca n’t hold them back . ‘[786-jake] How did [he]786-jake die ? ’ ‘[786-jake] [He]786-jake got hit by [a car]572-a car . ’ ‘[786-jake] How would that be not using [his]786-jake brain ? ’ ‘[786-jake] Because [he]786-jake was pissed when [he]786-jake staggered into [the road]577-the road . ’ Realisation in dawning , and it is dawning very fast . [I]323-carmichael stepped into [the road]577-the road on Friday . [I]323-carmichael was also drunk . ‘[323-carmichael] [Carmichael]323-carmichael is n’t the only reason [you]1447-you do n’t talk to [[your]1447-you parents]502-your parents , is [he]323-carmichael ? ’ [I]323-carmichael ask . ‘[323-carmichael] No , the fact [I]2813-john ’m responsible for [[my]323-carmichael brother]323-carmichael ’s death is a major contributing factor . ’[323-carmichael] [He]323-carmichael says it with no emotion at all , almost sarcastically . The resentment is gushing from [him]323-carmichael . ‘ [Carmichael]323-carmichael and [The Manor]226-the manor came after and kind of put the nail in the coffin . ’[323-carmichael] ‘ [Jake]786-jake was [their]3564-their favourite ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john hate saying that . It makes [me]2813-john angry to think it , but [I]2813-john ’m slowly working this out . [I]2813-john do n’t know [[Jesse]306-jesse ’s family]3565-jesse ’s family , and [I]2813-john have no desire to after [he]323-carmichael told [me]2813-john that [they]3565-jesse ’s family ’re[2813-john] ashamed of [him]323-carmichael and the lifestyle [he]323-carmichael led . But all of this is telling [me]2813-john that the rift is n’t just a result of [The Manor]226-the manor . ‘ [Jake]786-jake was everything [they]3565-jesse ’s family wanted from [a son]3566-a son . [I]323-carmichael was n’t . [I]323-carmichael tried to be . [I]323-carmichael studied , but it did n’t come as naturally to [me]323-carmichael as it did to [Jake]786-jake . ’[323-carmichael] ‘ But [he]786-jake wanted to be like [you]786-jake ? ’[1450-he] ‘ [He]786-jake wanted the small piece of freedom [I]1450-he gained through being considered the one with the least potential . All of [their]3565-jesse ’s family attention was focused on [Jake]786-jake , [the genius]786-jake — the one [they]3565-jesse ’s family could be proud of . [Jake]786-jake would go to [Oxford]29-oxford . [Jake]786-jake would make [his]786-jake first million before [he]786-jake was twenty one . [Jake]786-jake would marry [a well - bred English girl and breed well - spoken , polite , clever children]3567-a well - bred english girl and breed well - spoken , polite , clever children . ’[1450-he] [He]1450-he pauses . ‘ Except [Jake]786-jake did n’t want any of that . [He]1450-he wanted to choose the direction of [his]1450-he own life and the tragic thing is , [he]1450-he would ’ve chosen well on [his]1450-he own . ’[1450-he] ‘ So what happened ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m so intrigued . [He]1450-he ’s really in [his]1450-he flow now . ‘[2813-john] There was [a house party]1451-a house party . [You]1452-i know , full of drink , [girls]1453-girls and … opportunities . ’ Yes , [I]1452-i know , and [I]1452-i bet [Jesse]306-jesse was [a regular at [these house parties]1451-a house party]306-jesse . ‘[1452-i] [We]1454-we were coming up to [[our]1454-we seventeenth]1455-our seventeenth . [We]1454-we were prepping for [our]1454-we finals , ready for the Oxford application . Of course , it was [my]2813-john idea . ’ ‘[2813-john] What ? ’ [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] not sure [I]2813-john like where this tale is heading , but [I]2813-john know [I]2813-john ’m going to find out . ‘[2813-john] To go out and be [teenagers]1456-teenagers , get away from the constant grind of studying and to stop trying to live up to [[our]1454-we parents]1457-our parents expectations . [I]2813-john knew [I]2813-john ’d pay for it , but [I]2813-john was prepared to face [[my]2813-john parent]2981-my parent ’s wrath . [We]1454-we were going to have a few drinks together , like [brothers]1459-brothers . [I]2813-john wanted to spend some time with [him]2981-my parent , like [normal kids]1460-normal kids . It was just one night . [I]2813-john never expected to pay so severely . ’ [My]2813-john heart is breaking for [him]2981-my parent . [I]2813-john pull [myself]2813-john from [my]2813-john snug place in [his]2981-my parent neck and sit up . [I]2813-john need to see [his]2981-my parent face . ‘[2813-john] [You]1461-you got carried away ? ’ [His]2981-my parent eyebrows shoot up . ‘[2813-john] [Me]2813-john ? No ! [I]2813-john ’d had a few , but [Jake]786-jake was throwing back shots like [he]786-jake ’d never drink again . [I]2813-john virtually carried [him]786-jake out of [that house]1462-that house , then it all came out . How much [he]786-jake hated the suffocation , how [he]786-jake did n’t want to go to [Oxford]29-oxford . [We]1463-we made a pact . ’ [He]786-jake smiles mildly , fondly . ‘[1463-we] [We]1463-we agreed to tell [[our]1463-we parents]1457-our parents together that [we]1463-we did n’t want to do it anymore . [We]1463-we wanted to make [our]1463-we own decisions based on [our]1463-we dreams , not based on what would impress the snotty fuckers who [[my]2813-john mum]2774-kate and [dad]264-matt socialised with . ’ Now [he]786-jake really smiles . ‘[786-jake] [He]786-jake wanted to race motorbikes , but that was considered uncouth and common . Reckless . ’ [His]786-jake eyes clench shut and re - open , and [he]786-jake loses [his]786-jake beam . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’d never seem [him]786-jake so happy at the thought of rebelling with [me]2813-john , doing what [we]1463-we wanted for once , not what [we]1463-we were told to do . And then [he]786-jake walked out into [the road]577-the road . ’ [He]786-jake keeps [his]786-jake eyes on [mine]2813-john , gaging [my]786-jake reaction . [He]786-jake wants to know if [I]786-jake think it ’s [his]786-jake fault . ‘[786-jake] [You]1468-you ca n’t be held responsible . ’ [I]786-jake ’m[786-jake] feeling a bit mad . [He]786-jake smiles and brushes [my]2813-john hair from [my]2813-john face . ‘ [I]786-jake ’m[786-jake] held responsible because [I]2813-john am responsible . [I]2813-john should n’t have dragged [Jake]786-jake off [the perfect path]1469-the perfect path . [The stupid idiot]1470-the stupid idiot should n’t have listened to [me]2813-john . ’ ‘[1470-the stupid idiot] It does n’t sound like [you]1470-the stupid idiot dragged [him]1470-the stupid idiot anywhere . ’ [I]1470-the stupid idiot counter . ‘[1470-the stupid idiot] [He]1470-the stupid idiot would n’t be dead , [Ava]536-ava . What if … ’ ‘[306-jesse] No , [Jesse]306-jesse . Do n’t think like that . Life is full of what ifs . What if [[your]1471-you parents]502-your parents did n’t suffocated [you]1471-you ? What if [you]1471-you stood up sooner and said enough ? ’ ‘[1471-you] What if [I]2813-john ’d have played ball ? ’ [His]1470-the stupid idiot face is straight . This is a question [he]1470-the stupid idiot has asked [himself]1470-the stupid idiot repeatedly and never found the answer to . [I]1471-you ’m[1471-you] about to give it to [him]1470-the stupid idiot . ‘ [You]1470-the stupid idiot would never have found [me]1471-you . ’[1471-you] [I]2813-john can feel [my]2813-john emotions squeezing at [my]2813-john vocal cords . ‘ And [I]2813-john would never have found [you]1470-the stupid idiot . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john whisper , the very thought finishing [me]2813-john . Tears start streaming down [my]2813-john face . It ’s unthinkable . Unbearable . Everything happens for a reason and if [Jake]786-jake was still alive , then [I]2813-john ’ve no doubt that [Jesse]306-jesse ’s life would have taken a different direction , and then [we]1473-we would never have found each other . [I]2813-john ’ve said this because the silly thought mulling around in [his]306-jesse crazy head might just soften the torment . [His]306-jesse head rests back , and [he]306-jesse looks at [my]2813-john tummy . ‘ Everything that ’s happened in [my]306-jesse life has led [me]306-jesse to [you]1470-the stupid idiot , [Ava]536-ava . It ’s taken forever , but [I]306-jesse ’ve finally found where [I]306-jesse belong . ’[306-jesse] [I]2813-john grab [his]306-jesse hand and hold it against [my]2813-john stomach . ‘ With [me]306-jesse and [these two little people]3568-these two little people . ’[306-jesse] [His]306-jesse eyes drift up [my]2813-john body and [his]306-jesse other hand grabs [my]2813-john waist , pulling [me]2813-john down . ‘ With [you]3569-you and [those two little people]3568-these two little people . ’[306-jesse] [he]306-jesse confirms . ‘ [[Our]1474-our little people]3568-these two little people . ’[306-jesse] [Jesse]306-jesse ’s reaction to [our]1474-our news is understandable now , and the more [he]306-jesse speaks of [[his]306-jesse parents]1475-his parents , the more [I]2813-john dislike [them]1475-his parents . The unreasonable need to keep up appearances tore [[their]1475-his parents family]1476-their family apart . ‘ What about [Amalie]152-amalie ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ask . ‘ [Amalie]152-amalie would marry well and be [a good wife]3570-a good wife and [mother]381-mother , and [I]2813-john believe [she]381-mother might have fulfilled [her]381-mother obligation . It said [Doctor David]153-doctor david , did n’t it ? ’[2813-john] ‘ It did . ’[306-jesse] ‘ There [you]153-doctor david are , then . ’[306-jesse] [His]306-jesse tone carries an air of bitterness which [I]2813-john ca n’t help but feel , too . [I]2813-john do n’t want to ever meet [[Jesse]306-jesse ’s parents]1475-his parents . [My]2813-john mind is building up an image of [a stuffy English gentleman with a pocket watch]1477-a stuffy english gentleman with a pocket watch , a shotgun and some plaid trousers tucked into wellington boots . That would be [[Jesse]306-jesse ’s Dad]1475-his parents . [[His]1475-his parents Mum]1478-his mum ? Probably a two - piece wearing lady , with a set of real pearls and an extra stiff upper lip , who only serves tea in proper English bone china at the correct time of day . [I]2813-john bet it has to be [Earl Grey]154-earl grey , too . [I]2813-john smile on the inside at the thought of [their]1479-their faces and [Jesse]306-jesse ’s constant cursing . And [The Manor]226-the manor . [He]306-jesse really did go all out after [Jake]786-jake died , like [he]306-jesse was on a defiance mission to make up for [Jake]786-jake ’s absence ; like , in a weird kind of way , [he]306-jesse was avenging [[his]306-jesse brother]786-jake ’s death . [He]306-jesse was doubling up on the delinquencies , making up for [Jake]786-jake ’s absence and ensuring [he]306-jesse did n’t break the pact . Although [I]2813-john hope to [God Jesse]306-jesse ’s dream was n’t to become [a hedonistic playboy]306-jesse . [His]306-jesse interest in superbikes is clear now , though . ‘ [You]786-jake started spending more time with [Carmichael]323-carmichael after [Jake]786-jake ’s death ? ’[306-jesse] ‘ [I]306-jesse did . [Carmichael]323-carmichael knew the score . [He]306-jesse ’d been through it [himself]306-jesse with [[my]306-jesse Granddad]3572-my granddad . ’[306-jesse] [His]306-jesse hands slip all over [my]2813-john back . ‘ Are [you]786-jake comfy ? ’[306-jesse] ‘ Yes , [I]306-jesse ’m[306-jesse] fine . ’ [I]306-jesse brush off [his]306-jesse concern quickly , wanting [him]306-jesse to continue . ‘[306-jesse] It was a relief . [I]2813-john escaped the daily reminder that [Jake]786-jake was n’t with [me]2813-john anymore , and [I]2813-john distracted [myself]2813-john with jobs that [[my]2813-john uncle]2779-dad gave [me]2813-john around [The Manor]226-the manor . ’ [He]2779-dad shifts a little . ‘[2779-dad] Are [you]2779-dad sure [you]2779-dad ’re comfy ? ’[2779-dad] ‘ [I]1483-i ’m[1483-i] bloody comfy ! ’ [I]1483-i tweak [his]2779-dad nipple , and [he]2779-dad laughs . This is good . [He]2779-dad ’s at ease sharing this with [me]1483-i . ‘[1483-i] [She]1483-i ’s comfy . ’ [he]2779-dad muses . ‘[1483-i] [She]1483-i is . What jobs did [you]2779-dad do ? ’ ‘[2779-dad] Everything . [I]2813-john ’d collect the glasses in [the bar]2773-the bar , mow the lawns . [[My]2813-john Dad]2779-dad went through the roof , but [I]2813-john did n’t let [him]2779-dad stop [me]2813-john . Then [they]1485-they announced that [we]1485-they were moving to [Spain]30-spain . ’ ‘[1485-they] And [you]2779-dad refused to go . ’ ‘[1485-they] Yes , [I]2813-john had n’t ventured into [the rooms of [The Manor]226-the manor]1486-the rooms of the manor at that point . [I]2813-john was still [a Manor virgin]1488-a manor virgin . ’ [He]323-carmichael ’s grinning , [I]2813-john know [he]323-carmichael is . ‘[2813-john] But on [my]2813-john eighteenth birthday , [Carmichael]323-carmichael let [me]2813-john loose in the bar . Worst thing [he]323-carmichael could ’ve done . [I]2813-john slipped right in . It came naturally . Too naturally . ’ [I]2813-john look up at [him]323-carmichael . The grin has gone . ‘[2813-john] If simply being at [The Manor]226-the manor took [my]2813-john mind away from all of [my]2813-john troubles , then being drunk and having sex at [The Manor]226-the manor eliminated [them]226-the manor completely . ’ ‘[2813-john] Escapism . ’ [I]2813-john whisper . [He]323-carmichael escaped the guilt that [[his]323-carmichael parents]502-your parents landed on [him]323-carmichael by drinking excessively and dabbling with [too many women]3573-too many women . ‘[2813-john] What did [Carmichael]323-carmichael think to all of this ? ’ [He]323-carmichael smiles . ‘[323-carmichael] [He]323-carmichael thought it was a phase , that it would pass . Then [he]323-carmichael went and died on [me]2813-john , too . ’ ‘[323-carmichael] And [[your]1489-your parents]502-your parents tried to make [you]1489-your sell [The Manor]226-the manor . ’ [I]323-carmichael already know all of this . ‘[323-carmichael] Yes , [they]502-your parents soon flew [home]2904-home from [Spain]30-spain at the news of [[my]2813-john uncle]1481-my uncle ’s death . [They]502-your parents found [me]2813-john , a younger version of [the family]352-the family black sheep , lording it up , drinking and gorging on [women]253-women . [I]2813-john ’d experienced freedom , without [them]502-your parents trying to mould [me]2813-john into suitable son material . [I]2813-john ’d grown cocky and confident , and now [I]2813-john was also extremely wealthy . ’ [His]2813-john lips press into a straight line . [He]2813-john is full to the brim with resentment . It really is n’t fixable . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john told [them]502-your parents where to shove [their]502-your parents ultimatum . [The Manor]226-the manor was [Carmichael]323-carmichael ’s life , and then it became [mine]2813-john . End of . ’ What do [I]1497-our children say to that ? [I]1497-our children thought so much was clear , but today ’s tub - talk has put all other enlightenment to shame . Two of [the most important people in [his]2813-john life where taken prematurely from [him]2813-john]3574-the most important people in his life where taken prematurely from him , both involving [cars]679-cars , so why the hell does [he]2813-john drive like a complete nut - job ? [I]1497-our children do n’t know , but all of this adds to the explanation of [his]2813-john over - protectiveness . ‘[1497-our children] [[Our]1496-our children]1497-our children will be whoever [they]1497-our children want to be , ’ [I]1497-our children bite [his]2813-john chin . ‘[1497-our children] As long as [they]1497-our children do n’t want to be playboys . ’ [My]1497-our children bum cheeks are clenched in [his]2813-john palms and squeezed tightly . ‘[1497-our children] Sarcasm does n’t suit [you]2813-john , [lady]2813-john . ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john think it does . ’ [I]2813-john retort quietly . ‘[2813-john] [You]2813-john ’re right , it does . ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john slides [me]2813-john up and kisses [my]2813-john nipple . ‘ [My]2813-john mark is fading . ’[2813-john] ‘ Freshen it up , then . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john push [my]2813-john chest into [him]2813-john , like the little temptress [he]2813-john knows [me]2813-john to be , and [he]2813-john wraps [his]2813-john lips around [my]2813-john puckered bud and laps gently . [I]2813-john moan , long , low and deeply satisfied , [my]2813-john nose rubbing through [his]2813-john wet locks and taking a hit of [his]2813-john delicious scent . ‘ Nice ? ’[2813-john] [he]2813-john asks , clamping down with [his]2813-john teeth . ‘ Hmmm . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john feel peaceful , enlightened . [His]2813-john lips drift across to the site of [my]2813-john fading mark , and [he]2813-john begins to suck gently , drawing the blood to the surface . ‘ [Ava]536-ava , [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] not sure how [I]2813-john feel about [[our]1499-our babies]3539-our babies taking to [your]222-this man breasts . ’ [He]2813-john releases [me]1499-our , and [I]1499-our slide back down , brushing across something very hard . [His]2813-john eyes expand , and [he]2813-john inhales sharply . ‘[1499-our] Oh no , [we]1499-our ca n’t . ’ [He]2813-john shifts [me]2813-john and sits up . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john wo n’t , [Ava]536-ava . And do n’t [you]222-this man dare kick into temptress mode , either . ’ [I]15-cornwall scowl at [him]2813-john . ‘[15-cornwall] [Cornwall]15-cornwall . ’ [I]222-this man threaten , and [he]222-this man recoils in horror , but soon matches [my]222-this man scowl , [his]222-this man probably fiercer . ‘[222-this man] [You]222-this man ’re not going anywhere ! ’[222-this man] [he]222-this man asserts on a growl as [he]222-this man stands , [his]222-this man beautiful , smooth iron rod of flesh just at the right level for [my]2813-john kneeling form . [I]2813-john seize it quickly before [he]222-this man can step out of the tub , wrapping [my]2813-john palm around [him]222-this man and clamping down . ‘ Fuck , [you]222-this man little fucking tormenter . ’[222-this man] ‘ Are [you]222-this man going to walk away from [me]2813-john ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john pull a long , slow draw . [I]2813-john ’m so bad . [He]222-this man shakes [his]222-this man head . ‘[536-ava] [Ava]536-ava , there ’s not a fucking chance on [this planet]1502-this planet that [I]2813-john ’m taking [you]222-this man . ’[2813-john] ‘ Sit down , ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john nod to the side of the tub and flick [my]2813-john tongue across the wet head of [his]222-this man huge cock . [He]222-this man hisses and looks up to the ceiling . ‘ [Ava]536-ava , if [you]222-this man leave [me]222-this man hanging to throw up , [I]222-this man ’ll lose [my]222-this man fucking mind . ’[222-this man] [He]222-this man thrusts forward gently . ‘ [I]222-this man wo n’t , ’[222-this man] [I]2813-john do n’t know that for sure , but there are other ways to do this . ‘ Sit . ’[222-this man] [I]2813-john push [him]222-this man down onto the side of the tub and kneel between [his]222-this man thighs , but [I]2813-john do n’t get a chance to be creative with how [I]2813-john do this . [He]222-this man grabs [my]2813-john arms . ‘ If [I]222-this man ’m[222-this man] sitting on this side , then [you]1503-you ’re sitting on the other . ’[222-this man] [He]222-this man hits [me]2813-john with a hungry kiss and pulls away panting , [his]222-this man eyes completely smoked out . Anticipation is making [my]2813-john tummy clench . ‘ With [your]1503-you legs wide open . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john gasp a little , and immediately curse [myself]2813-john for it . [He]222-this man ’s luring [me]2813-john in to that place where [he]222-this man takes all control . [He]222-this man ’s goading [me]2813-john with those eyes which are full of promise and pleasure , daring [me]2813-john to refuse . Slipping [his]222-this man hands under [my]2813-john arms , [he]222-this man lifts [me]2813-john to [my]2813-john feet before gently pushing [me]2813-john back . [I]2813-john find [my]2813-john place and rest [my]2813-john bum on the edge of the giant tub . It ’s hard under [my]2813-john wet flesh , not that [I]2813-john ’m particularly concerned . [I]2813-john ca n’t seem to focus on anything , other than [this man]222-this man sitting opposite [me]2813-john , all smouldering and hard . Then [he]222-this man runs [his]222-this man tongue across [his]222-this man bottom lip , and [I]2813-john find [myself]2813-john mimicking [him]222-this man . ‘[2813-john] Lick [your]1504-your fingers , [Ava]536-ava . ’ [he]222-this man orders . There is no softly softly approach , which [I]536-ava was dreading . [He]222-this man ’s in dominant Jesse mode . [I]536-ava ’m[536-ava] in [my]2813-john element . [I]2813-john know there will be no hard fuck to wrap this up , but it ’s that look , that stance , that commanding tone . [I]2813-john take [my]2813-john fingers to [my]2813-john mouth and slide them between [my]2813-john lips , slowly and precisely , never removing [my]2813-john eyes from [his]536-ava . [I]2813-john could n’t if [I]2813-john tried . The usual addictiveness is hard enough to pull away from , but when [they]1505-they are all hooded , [his]536-ava lashes fanned and hunger oozing from them … impossible . ‘ Slide [your]2813-john hand down [your]2813-john front . ’[536-ava] [he]536-ava says roughly . ‘ Slowly . ’[536-ava] [I]2813-john comply and lazily drag [my]2813-john palm down [my]2813-john body , brushing [my]2813-john nipples and skimming [my]2813-john stomach . ‘ Slow enough for [you]2813-john ? ’[536-ava] ‘ Did [I]536-ava say talk ? ’[536-ava] [he]536-ava asks , not taking [his]536-ava eyes from [mine]2813-john . [I]2813-john pout but continue [my]2813-john journey downwards , arriving at the juncture of [my]2813-john thighs . ‘ Stop . ’[536-ava] [He]536-ava rips [his]536-ava eyes from [mine]2813-john and [they]1506-they wander down , taking [their]1506-they time , drinking in [his]536-ava asset before [they]1506-they reach [my]2813-john hand . ‘ One finger , [baby]306-jesse . Slowly slide one finger in . ’[2813-john] Doing as [I]2813-john ’m instructed , [I]2813-john insert one finger on a deep inhale of breath . ‘[2813-john] Remember , that ’s [mine]2813-john , ’ [he]536-ava flicks [his]536-ava eyes to [mine]2813-john . ‘[2813-john] So be gentle with it . ’ Those words , the way [he]536-ava says them , and the fact that [he]536-ava absolutely means them , pushes [me]536-ava to close [my]536-ava eyes and mentally gather [my]536-ava wits . ‘[536-ava] Eyes , [Ava]536-ava . ’ Using breathing exercises to try and calm [myself]536-ava down , [I]536-ava follow through on [his]536-ava order . ‘[536-ava] [Good girl]536-ava . ’ [He]536-ava reaches down and takes a loose hold of [himself]536-ava . [My]536-ava heart rate multiplies . ‘[536-ava] Taste . ’ [I]536-ava do n’t feel shy . [I]536-ava never have , no matter what [he]536-ava does or asks [me]536-ava to do . [My]536-ava brain always registers some slight nervousness , maybe even a little apprehension , too , but one look into those eyes and it ’s trampled all over . [My]536-ava hand glides back up [my]536-ava body , and then [I]536-ava slowly , seductively , teasingly slide [my]536-ava finger into [my]536-ava mouth and shamelessly moan as [I]536-ava do . ‘[536-ava] Good ? ’ [He]536-ava ’s drawing easy strokes of [his]536-ava arousal as [he]536-ava watches [me]536-ava . It ’s sending [me]536-ava wild with want , but [I]536-ava know that [I]536-ava ’m[536-ava] not moving from this side of the tub . [I]2813-john know who has the power . [I]2813-john give [him]1507-his heavy , lustful eyes as [I]2813-john lick and suck around [my]2813-john finger , working [myself]2813-john up into a desperate wreck of trembling nerves . ‘ [I]1507-his ’ll take that as a yes . ’[1507-his] [He]1507-his jerks a little and pauses with [his]1507-his lazy rhythm , seeming to gather [his]1507-his own wits . ‘ Fucking hell , [Ava]536-ava . ’[1507-his] Knowing [his]1507-his self - control is slipping , [I]2813-john take advantage and drift back down to [my]2813-john entrance , scissoring [my]2813-john fingers and beginning a measured , meticulous caressing of [myself]2813-john . [My]2813-john back arches , [my]2813-john legs spread further and [my]2813-john head rolls on a groan . [I]2813-john ’m rippling all over and releasing uncontrolled bursts of breath as [my]536-ava pleasure builds with [my]536-ava own rhythmic touch . ‘[536-ava] Damn it , [Ava]536-ava . Look at [me]2813-john . ’ [he]1507-his hisses . [My]536-ava eyes and head drop at [his]1507-his command . [He]1507-his ’s tipping the edge , too . [His]1507-his body has solidified and [his]1507-his fist is working firmer and faster . This only encourages [me]536-ava , [my]536-ava own fingers speeding up , [my]536-ava own body tensing . ‘[536-ava] [You]536-ava ’re close , [baby]536-ava . ’[2813-john] ‘ Yes ! ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m losing it . ‘[2813-john] Oh Jesus , not yet . Control it . ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ca n’t ! ’ [I]2813-john shout , the thought of [him]536-ava stopping this making [me]2813-john panic slightly . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] brimming . It ’s coming . ‘ Oh God ! ’[2813-john] ‘ [Ava]536-ava , fuck , control it ! ’[536-ava] Now [his]536-ava fist is moving urgently , [his]536-ava head is rolling , but [he]536-ava ’s keeping those greens right on [me]2813-john . [I]2813-john attempt everything . [I]2813-john tense all over , [my]2813-john legs splashing the water as [I]2813-john jerk and fight the convulsions riding through [me]2813-john . ‘ [Jesse]306-jesse , ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john cry desperately . The buzzing at [my]2813-john core is getting out of control . ‘ [Ava]536-ava , [you]536-ava look fucking amazing . ’[536-ava] [His]536-ava unrestrained movements get the better of [him]536-ava and [he]536-ava moans , falling to [his]536-ava knees in the water and letting out a supressed bark . [I]2813-john move [my]2813-john hand immediately when [his]536-ava head falls between [my]2813-john thighs and [his]536-ava mouth takes over , while [he]536-ava continues to work [himself]536-ava in front of [me]2813-john . The warmth of [his]536-ava lips all over [my]2813-john sex pushes [me]2813-john that little bit further into ecstasy . [I]2813-john ’m yanking at [his]536-ava hair , pushing [him]536-ava further into [me]2813-john . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] going to burst at the seams with pleasure . And then [I]2813-john do . [My]2813-john thighs clamp to the sides of [his]536-ava head as [I]2813-john let go on an elongated shudder of comforting bliss and a heavy rush of air . [My]2813-john lungs burst . [I]2813-john go lax . [He]536-ava rolls and laps gently , softly flicking [his]536-ava tongue , and then works [his]536-ava way up [my]2813-john body until [he]536-ava finds [my]2813-john mouth . [He]536-ava pulls [me]2813-john down to [my]2813-john knees and takes [my]2813-john hand , replacing [his]536-ava with mine around [his]536-ava steel shaft . [He]536-ava has n’t come . ‘ [My]536-ava turn . ’[536-ava] [he]536-ava whispers . ‘ Hold it against [you]536-ava . ’[536-ava] The wet tip of [him]536-ava meets [my]2813-john clit , pushing against [me]2813-john , taking the edge off the persistent buzz . [I]2813-john take over , holding [him]536-ava lightly and massaging [him]536-ava to climax . [His]536-ava hands are free now , and [they]1508-they are encasing [my]2813-john neck , holding [my]2813-john head firm as [he]536-ava works [my]2813-john mouth with the same care as [I]2813-john ’m working [him]536-ava with [my]2813-john hand . This is n’t urgent and frenzied . This is controlled and relaxed . [He]536-ava can control it so much better than [I]2813-john can . ‘[2813-john] Just keep it like that . ’ [he]536-ava mumbles into [my]2813-john mouth . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john could stay like this forever . ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john love [you]2813-john . ’ [I]2813-john do n’t know why [I]2813-john feel the need to say this now , but [I]2813-john do anyway . [His]536-ava tongue sweeps gently through [my]2813-john mouth , [he]536-ava pulls back , [he]536-ava plays with [my]2813-john lips , and then [he]536-ava ’s back in [my]2813-john mouth , flirting with [my]2813-john tongue . And the whole time , [I]2813-john just soak up [his]536-ava attention and keep up [my]2813-john seduction of [his]536-ava velvet hardness against [me]2813-john . It ’s working [me]2813-john down perfectly and working [him]536-ava up just as well . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john know . ’ [he]536-ava murmurs , and with a small whimper and hardening of [his]536-ava kiss , [he]536-ava comes , the hot essence of [him]536-ava pouring all over [me]2813-john as [he]536-ava throbs in [my]2813-john hold and moans around [our]3577-our kiss . ‘[2813-john] [My]2813-john work here is done , ’ [I]2813-john sigh , releasing [him]2813-john and slipping [my]2813-john fingers into [his]2813-john wet hair , not resisting a little tug . ‘[2813-john] [You]2813-john ’re a savage , [lady]2813-john . ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john sits on [his]2813-john heels , pulling [me]2813-john onto [his]2813-john lap . ‘ The water ’s getting cold . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john had n’t noticed , but now [he]2813-john ’s mentioned it , [I]2813-john ’m starting to shiver . ‘[2813-john] A little . ’ [I]2813-john shrug and seek warmth by pushing [myself]2813-john into [him]2813-john . ‘[2813-john] Let [me]2813-john clean [you]2813-john down . ’ [He]2813-john tries to pry [me]2813-john away from [him]2813-john , but [I]2813-john mutter a complaint and dig [my]2813-john nails into [his]2813-john back . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’ll be quick . [I]2813-john do n’t want [you]2813-john catching a cold . ’ More effort is put in to the removal of [my]2813-john body from [his]2813-john and before [I]2813-john know it , [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] being sponged down . ‘ [[My]2813-john lady]3578-my lady ’s tired . ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john kisses [my]2813-john nose . ‘ Snuggle ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john nod , and [he]2813-john lifts [me]2813-john from the bath . [We]1510-our dry each other off in silence and find [our]1510-our way to the bed , falling in together and immediately finding [our]1510-our snuggle places — [him]2813-john on [his]2813-john back , [me]2813-john spread all over [his]2813-john chest , [my]2813-john face in [his]2813-john neck and [his]2813-john hands running all over [me]2813-john . ‘ [I]2813-john ’ll never love one more than the other . ’[2813-john] [he]2813-john proclaims quietly . [I]2813-john do n’t answer [him]2813-john . Instead , [I]2813-john kiss [his]2813-john neck and snuggle deeper . Chapter 21 [I]2813-john could lie here forever , just watching [him]2813-john sleep , the peaceful streams of minty air intermittently reaching [my]2813-john face , reinforcing the deep sense of belonging inside of [me]2813-john . The tender placing of [his]2813-john palm on [my]2813-john tummy is strengthening [my]2813-john love for [this man]2813-john . And the close perfection of [his]2813-john body is swelling [my]2813-john desire for [his]2813-john touch . There are a million things about [this man that make [me]2813-john despair]2813-john , but there are endless things that make [me]2813-john adore [him]2813-john . Some of those despairing things [I]2813-john even adore . Unable to resist , [I]2813-john reach forward and run [my]2813-john thumb down [his]2813-john stubbled cheek and onto [his]2813-john parted lips , smiling as [he]2813-john twitches a little , and then sighs and settles again , [his]2813-john hand on [my]2813-john belly unconsciously starting to circle . The flawlessness of [his]2813-john beautiful face will amaze [me]2813-john until the day [I]2813-john die — [his]2813-john lightly tanned skin , [his]2813-john almost girly long lashes , the faint crease across [his]2813-john brow . It would take [me]2813-john a lifetime to run through all [his]2813-john stunning features . [[My]2813-john devastating man]2813-john , in all of [his]2813-john challenging ways . [My]2813-john wandering hand float across [his]2813-john face , [my]2813-john fingertip traces the taut flesh of [his]2813-john throat and [my]2813-john palm skims [his]2813-john solid chest . [I]2813-john sigh , all dreamy and content as [I]2813-john spend this quiet time exploring [his]2813-john body and face , almost wishing that [he]2813-john could stay like this for an eternity so [I]2813-john can watch [him]2813-john and feel [him]2813-john undisturbed . But then [I]2813-john ’d never hear that voice , [I]2813-john would never see those eyes , and [I]2813-john would never experience [his]2813-john trampling or countdowns . ‘ Have [you]2813-john finished feeling [me]2813-john up ? ’[2813-john] [His]2813-john rough voice drags [me]2813-john from [my]2813-john daydreaming , [my]2813-john hand pausing on [his]2813-john scar . [His]2813-john eyes remain closed . ‘ No , just be still and silent . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john order quietly , carrying on with [my]2813-john fondling . ‘ Anything [you]2813-john say , [lady]2813-john . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john grin and lean forward , hovering [my]2813-john lips over [his]2813-john . ‘ [Good boy]2813-john , ’[2813-john] [His]2813-john closed lids flicker and the corners of [his]2813-john mouth are blatantly restraining a smirk . ‘ What if [I]2813-john want to be [a bad boy]2813-john ? ’[2813-john] [he]2813-john asks . ‘ [You]2813-john ’re[2813-john] talking , ’ [I]2813-john point out , and one of [his]2813-john eyes opens cheekily . Nothing will prevent [me]2813-john from smiling at that face , no matter how stern and serious [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] attempting to be . ‘ Morning . ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john moves too fast . [I]2813-john ’m on [my]443-someone back and pinned under [his]2813-john body in a nanosecond , [my]443-someone arms held over [my]443-someone head . [I]443-someone do n’t even have time to register [his]2813-john attack or let out a squeal of shock . ‘[443-someone] [Someone]443-someone has sleepy sex on [their]443-someone mind . ’ [he]2813-john muses , leaning down to nibble [my]443-someone nose . ‘[443-someone] No , [I]2813-john have [Jesse Ward]306-jesse on [my]2813-john mind , which means [I]2813-john also have various degrees of fucking ’s on [my]2813-john mind . ’ [His]306-jesse eyebrows rise slowly , thoughtfully . ‘[0-my beautiful girl] [You]0-my beautiful girl ’re insatiable , [[my]306-jesse beautiful girl]0-my beautiful girl . ’[306-jesse] [He]306-jesse kisses [me]2813-john hard . ‘ Watch [your]0-my beautiful girl mouth . ’[306-jesse] [I]2813-john quickly return [his]306-jesse kiss , but [he]306-jesse halts [me]2813-john by pulling away . [I]2813-john scowl . [He]306-jesse smiles . It ’s that smug smile . [I]2813-john scowl harder , but [I]2813-john ’m ignored . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’ve been thinking . ’ [he]306-jesse declares . [My]2813-john scowl falls away immediately . [Jesse]306-jesse thinking is almost as worrying as [him]306-jesse trampling all over [the place]2776-the place . ‘[2813-john] What about ? ’ [I]2813-john ask suspiciously . ‘[2813-john] About how dramatic [our]1513-our married life has been . ’ [I]2813-john ca n’t argue with that ‘[2813-john] Okay , ’ [I]2813-john drag the word out slowly , meaning [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] not sure it ’s okay at all . ‘ Let [me]306-jesse take [you]306-jesse away , ’[306-jesse] [He]306-jesse ’s begging . [His]306-jesse green eyes are pleading with [me]2813-john , and now [he]306-jesse ’s pouting , too . Is [he]306-jesse beginning to realise that this face has just as much impact as a sense fuck ? ‘ Just [us]1513-our two on [our]1513-our own . ’[306-jesse] ‘ [We]1513-our ’ll never be alone ever again . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john remind [him]306-jesse . [He]306-jesse lifts and glances down at [my]2813-john stomach , and [I]2813-john see [him]306-jesse smile and shift down to kiss [my]2813-john tummy before returning those puppy dog eyes to [mine]2813-john . ‘ Let [me]306-jesse love [you]306-jesse . Let [me]306-jesse have [you]306-jesse to [myself]306-jesse for a few days . ’[306-jesse] ‘ What about [my]2813-john job ? ’[2813-john] [My]2813-john commitment recently has been really questionable . ‘ [Ava]536-ava , [you]306-jesse were in a car accident yesterday . ’[2813-john] ‘ [I]2813-john know , ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john concede . ‘ But [I]2813-john have appointments and [Patrick]374-patrick is … ’[2813-john] ‘ [I]306-jesse ’ll sort [Patrick]374-patrick . ’[306-jesse] [He]306-jesse cuts [me]2813-john straight off . ‘ [He]306-jesse ’ll deal with [your]306-jesse appointments . ’[306-jesse] [My]2813-john eyes narrow . ‘ [Sort Patrick]156-patrick or trample [Patrick]156-patrick ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ask . [He]306-jesse pulls that hurt face . [I]2813-john ’m not buying it . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’ll speak to [Patrick]156-patrick . ’ ‘[2813-john] Delicately . ’ [He]306-jesse grins . ‘[2813-john] -ish . ’ ‘[306-jesse] No , [Ward]306-jesse . No – ish about it . Delicately . End of ! ’ ‘[306-jesse] Is that a yes ? ’ [he]306-jesse asks hopefully . [I]306-jesse could cuddle [him]306-jesse , the adorable pain in the arse that [he]306-jesse is . ‘[306-jesse] Yes , ’ [I]306-jesse agree . [He]306-jesse needs the break just as much as [I]306-jesse do , probably more . Yesterday ’s events will not help [his]306-jesse worrying . ‘[306-jesse] Where are [we]1514-we going ? ’ [He]306-jesse springs into action , jumping up from the bed like [an excited child]3580-an excited child on Christmas morning . ‘[306-jesse] Anywhere , [I]2813-john do n’t care . ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john do ! [I]2813-john ’m not skiing ! ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john sit bolt upright in bed at the very thought of being kitted out in padded ski wear with some giant planks of wood attached to [my]2813-john feet . ‘ Do n’t be stupid , [woman]536-ava . ’[156-patrick] [He]156-patrick rolls [his]156-patrick eyes and disappears into the wardrobe — or rather , [the room [we]1516-we call [our]1516-we wardrobe]1515-the room we call our wardrobe — appearing moments later with a suitcase . ‘ [You]1518-you ’re[156-patrick] carrying [[my]2813-john babies]1517-my babies in there . ’ [He]156-patrick points to [my]1518-you stomach . ‘[1518-you] [You]1518-you ’re lucky [I]1518-you ’m[1518-you] not chaining [you]1518-you to the bed for the rest of this pregnancy . ’ ‘[1518-you] [You]1518-you can if [you]1518-you like . ’ [I]2813-john hold [my]2813-john wrists against the headboard . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john wo n’t complain . ’ ‘[1518-you] [You]1518-you ’re a temptress , [Mrs Ward]72-mrs ward . Come pack . ’[156-patrick] [He]156-patrick goes back into the wardrobe , leaving [me]2813-john hanging on the bed . On a grumble loud enough for [him]156-patrick to hear , [I]2813-john shuffle to the edge and follow [him]156-patrick . [He]156-patrick ’s pulling down clothes haphazardly and chucking them into a pile by the case . ‘ Where are [we]3582-we going ? ’[156-patrick] ‘ [I]156-patrick do n’t know . [I]156-patrick ’ll make a few calls . ’[156-patrick] [He]156-patrick ’s happily packing [his]156-patrick case , but then [he]156-patrick looks up at [me]2813-john where [I]2813-john ’m leaning on the door frame . ‘[2813-john] Are n’t [you]1518-you going to pack ? ’ ‘[156-patrick] Well , [I]2813-john do n’t know where [I]2813-john ’m going . Hot , cold ? [Car]3583-car , [plane]3584-plane ? ’[2813-john] ‘ [Car]157-car . ’[156-patrick] [he]156-patrick asserts firmly , turning to reach for more t - shirts . ‘ [You]1518-you ca n’t fly . ’[156-patrick] ‘ What do [you]1518-you mean , [I]2813-john ca n’t fly ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john blurt to [his]156-patrick back . ‘ [I]2813-john do n’t know . Cabin pressure . ’[2813-john] [His]156-patrick naked shoulders shrug . ‘ It might squish [the babies]3585-the babies . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john laugh because if [I]2813-john do n’t , [I]2813-john might bash [him]156-patrick around the head instead . ‘ Tell [me]2813-john [you]1519-you ’re[2813-john] joking . ’ [He]156-patrick slowly turns to face [me]2813-john . [He]156-patrick ’s not impressed by [my]2813-john humour . It ’s written all over that bloody perfect face . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john do n’t joke when it comes to [you]1519-you , [Ava]536-ava . [You]1519-you should know that . ’ [He]156-patrick ’s being ridiculous . ‘[1519-you] Cabin pressure wo n’t squish [[our]1520-our babies]3539-our babies , [Jesse]306-jesse . If [you]1519-you ’re taking [me]1519-you away , then [you]1519-you ’re[1519-you] taking [me]2813-john on [a plane]1522-a plane . ’ [I]1519-you very nearly stamp [my]1519-you foot to assert [my]1519-you order . [He]156-patrick looks a little shocked by [my]1519-you demand , and [he]156-patrick slips into thought , munching [his]156-patrick lip , the cogs slowly starting to kick into action . ‘[1519-you] It ’s not safe for [pregnant women]1523-pregnant women to fly . ’ [he]156-patrick says quietly . ‘[1519-you] [I]2813-john ’ve read about it . ’ ‘[2813-john] Where have [you]1519-you read about it ? ’ [I]1519-you ask on a laugh , fearing [he]156-patrick ’s about to produce some sort of Guide to Pregnancy manual . [I]1519-you stop laughing immediately when [he]156-patrick reaches between [his]156-patrick suits and produces a Guide to Pregnancy manual . ‘[1519-you] In here . ’ [He]156-patrick holds it up sheepishly . ‘[1519-you] [You]1519-you should also be taking folic acid . ’ [I]1519-you gape at the book being dangled in front of [me]1519-you and watch with a mixture of astonishment and amusement as [he]156-patrick starts flicking through the pages . There are pages folded over at the corners , and [I]1519-you think [I]1519-you even see a glimpse of a passage highlighted with a neon pen . [He]156-patrick knows what [he]156-patrick ’s looking for , and [I]1519-you can do nothing more than stand and stare as [[my]1519-you beautiful , neurotic control freak]3586-my beautiful , neurotic control freak finds it . ‘[1519-you] Here , look . ’ [He]156-patrick shoves the book under [my]1519-you nose and points to the centre of the page , where a section has been highlighted in neon pink . ‘[1519-you] [The Department of Health]31-the department of health recommends that [women]253-women should take a daily supplement of four hundred micrograms of folic acid while [they]253-women are trying to conceive , and should continue taking this dose for the first twelve weeks of pregnancy when [the baby]1009-coral ’s spine is developing . ’ [He]156-patrick frowns . ‘[1009-coral] But [we]1526-we have [two babies]1527-two babies , so maybe [you]1528-you should take eight hundred micrograms . ’ [My]2813-john heart swells to bursting point . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john love [you]1528-you . ’ [I]2813-john say on a smile . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john know . ’ [He]156-patrick flicks some more pages . ‘[2813-john] The flying bit is here somewhere . Just … ’ [I]2813-john smack the book from [his]156-patrick hands and [we]1526-we both follow its fall to the floor , where it bumps around before settling . [He]156-patrick looks up at [me]2813-john with narrowed eyes , [his]156-patrick lips pressing into a straight line . It just makes [me]2813-john smirk , which makes [him]156-patrick scowl harder . [I]2813-john kick the book . [He]156-patrick gasps . ‘[2813-john] Pick the book up . ’ [he]156-patrick snarls . ‘[2813-john] Stupid book . ’ [I]2813-john kick it again . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] still grinning . ‘ Pick the book up , [Ava]536-ava . ’[2813-john] ‘ No . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john snap back petulantly . [I]2813-john know exactly what [I]2813-john ’m doing here . [My]2813-john eyes are delighting at the fierceness seeping from [his]156-patrick refined physique . [He]156-patrick raises those eyebrows . [He]156-patrick ’s thinking really hard about this . [He]156-patrick knows [my]2813-john game . Then three fingers appear in front of [my]2813-john face . ‘[2813-john] Three . ’ [he]156-patrick whispers . [My]2813-john grin widens as [I]2813-john bat [his]156-patrick hand away . ‘[2813-john] Two , ’ [I]2813-john counter . [He]156-patrick ’s trying [his]156-patrick hardest to conceal [his]156-patrick own grin . ‘[2813-john] One , ’ ‘[306-jesse] Zero , [baby]306-jesse . ’ [I]306-jesse finish for [him]156-patrick and squeal in delight as [I]306-jesse ’m[306-jesse] hoofed up over [his]306-jesse shoulder , with conviction but care , and carted into [the bedroom]663-the bedroom . [I]2813-john ’m laughing hard as [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] dropped to the bed , with way too much precision , before [he]306-jesse blankets [me]2813-john and brushes [my]2813-john hair from [my]2813-john face . ‘ [Lady]3587-lady , when will [you]3587-lady learn ? ’[306-jesse] [he]306-jesse asks , cupping the back of [my]2813-john head and raising it a to meet [his]306-jesse nose . ‘ Never , ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john admit . [He]306-jesse smiles that smile , reserved only for [me]2813-john . ‘ [I]306-jesse hope [you]3587-lady do n’t . Kiss [me]306-jesse . ’[306-jesse] ‘ What if [I]2813-john do n’t ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ask . [I]2813-john so will . And [he]306-jesse knows it . Reaching down , [he]306-jesse rests the tip of [his]306-jesse finger on the hollow void above [my]2813-john hipbone . [I]2813-john hold [my]2813-john breath . ‘ [We]3588-we both know [you]536-ava ’re[2813-john] going to kiss [me]2813-john , [Ava]536-ava . ’ [His]306-jesse lips tickle [mine]2813-john . ‘[536-ava] Let ’s not waste valuable time when [I]2813-john could be losing [myself]2813-john in [you]536-ava . Kiss [me]2813-john now . ’ [My]536-ava tongue slides from [my]536-ava mouth , meeting with [his]306-jesse bottom lip , and [I]536-ava perform [my]536-ava own little tease , lightly skimming until [he]306-jesse submits and lets [his]306-jesse own tongue make an appearance . [We]3589-we meet in the middle and circle sweetly until [he]306-jesse moans and attacks [my]536-ava mouth with brute force . [I]536-ava mentally chalk a tally for [me]536-ava . [I]536-ava ’m[536-ava] as impossible for [him]536-ava to resist as [he]536-ava is for [me]2813-john . ‘ [Hmmm]139-hmmm . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john sigh , matching the purposeful lashes of [his]536-ava tongue . This is what [we]1531-we need . [We]1531-we need a few days with each other , loving each other and getting used to [our]1531-we imminent future together . A future that now has [two babies in it]1532-two babies in it . [I]2813-john need [Jesse]306-jesse to [myself]2813-john for a while , with no distractions , except [him]306-jesse , and with no issues , just [us]1531-we . ‘ It did n’t really say [I]2813-john ca n’t fly , did it ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ask , stupidly or not . [I]2813-john know it could n’t have , because [I]2813-john ’ve seen [pregnant women on planes]1523-pregnant women before . This is just another one of [Jesse]306-jesse ’s stupid pregnancy rules . [My]2813-john lip is bitten and sucked . ‘ It ’s logical . ’[536-ava] [he]536-ava says . ‘ No , it ’s neurotic . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john argue . ‘ [Pregnant women]1523-pregnant women fly all of the time , so [you]1534-you are taking [me]2813-john on [a plane]1522-a plane to somewhere hot and [you]1534-you ’re[2813-john] going to let [my]2813-john feast on [you]1534-you the whole time . Constant contact . [I]2813-john want constant contact . ’ [I]2813-john know this will please [him]2813-john and when [he]2813-john lifts [his]2813-john head , sucking [my]2813-john lip as [he]2813-john does , the wonderful smile on [his]2813-john face confirms it . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ca n’t fucking wait . ’ [He]2813-john kisses [my]2813-john nose and gets up . ‘[2813-john] Come on , then . [We]1535-we ’re wasting valuable feasting time . ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john winks , turns , and leaves [me]2813-john wallowing among the white sheets . This really is [Central Jesse Cloud Nine]306-jesse . * * * [I]2813-john pull [my]2813-john case down [the stairs]3122-the stairs and it bumps as it goes . ‘ Hey ! ’[2813-john] The shout makes [me]2813-john jump and falter mid - step , causing [me]2813-john to clutch the handrail to steady [myself]2813-john . A loud gasp rings through the air , followed by thundering footsteps up [the stairs]3122-the stairs . [I]2813-john ’m grabbed and held still . ‘[536-ava] What the fuck are [you]2813-john doing , [woman]536-ava ? ’ [My]306-jesse fright turns to anger . ‘[306-jesse] For fuck sake , [Jesse]306-jesse . Fucking hell ! That was [your]306-jesse fucking fault ! ’ [I]2813-john immediately realise [my]2813-john slip - up , the growl coming from [Jesse]306-jesse confirming that [I]2813-john have , most definitely , just swore like [a sailor]3591-a sailor . Three times … all in one rant . [I]2813-john brace [myself]2813-john for it , closing one eye on a wince . ‘[2813-john] Will [you]2813-john watch [your]2813-john fucking MOUTH ! ’ [He]306-jesse takes [my]2813-john case . ‘[2813-john] Wait there ! ’ [he]306-jesse barks , and [I]2813-john do , but mostly because [I]2813-john ’ve been shocked into stillness and silence by that infuriated yell . [He]306-jesse practically throws [my]2813-john case down when [he]306-jesse reaches the bottom , muttering and cursing under [his]306-jesse breath before coming back up [the stairs]3122-the stairs and picking [me]2813-john up . ‘[2813-john] [You]2813-john ’ll break [your]2813-john fucking neck , [[you]2813-john stupid woman]2813-john . ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john was carrying a case ! It was [you]2813-john who made [me]2813-john jump . ’ [I]2813-john do n’t wriggle or try to break free . ‘[2813-john] [You]2813-john should n’t be carrying anything , except [[my]2813-john babies]3539-our babies . ’ ‘[3539-our babies] [[Our]1540-our babies]3539-our babies ! ’ ‘[3539-our babies] That ’s what [I]2813-john fucking said ! ’ [He]306-jesse puts [me]2813-john on [my]2813-john feet . ‘[2813-john] No doing stupid shit , [lady]2813-john . ’ [I]2813-john rearrange [my]2813-john top , huffing and puffing as [I]2813-john do . ‘[2813-john] How is carrying a case stupid ? ’ ‘[2813-john] Because [you]2813-john ’re pregnant ! ’[2813-john] Oh , [I]2813-john ca n’t bear this . ‘ [You]2813-john ’d better rein it in , [Ward]306-jesse . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john point [my]2813-john finger right in [his]2813-john face . ‘ [Cornwall]15-cornwall ! ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john actually starts laughing , which only serves to notch [my]2813-john frustration up by a few more levels . [He]2813-john should be worried , not laughing . ‘ How many times are [you]2813-john going to threaten [me]2813-john with fucking [Cornwall]15-cornwall ? ’[2813-john] [he]2813-john asks cockily , like [he]2813-john knows [I]2813-john ’ll never see [my]2813-john threat through . [I]2813-john might do . [I]2813-john do n’t relish the thought of spending [my]2813-john whole pregnancy with [[my]2813-john parents]2767-my parents , but anything has got to be better than this . ‘ [I]2813-john ’ll go now ! ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john shout in [his]2813-john face . ‘ Come on then . [I]2813-john ’ll take [you]2813-john . ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john picks [my]2813-john case up and walks to the door , looking back over [his]2813-john shoulder at [me]2813-john standing startled on the spot . What does [me]2813-john mean , [he]2813-john ’ll take [me]2813-john ? ‘ Are [you]2813-john coming ? ’[2813-john] [he]2813-john asks . [He]2813-john ’s pulling [my]2813-john leg . ‘ Have [you]2813-john called [Patrick]156-patrick ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ask , following behind . There ’s no way on this earth [Jesse]306-jesse will voluntarily take [me]2813-john to [[my]2813-john mother]2774-kate ’s . ‘ Yes . ’[2813-john] [he]2813-john answers short and sharp , ‘ [You]2813-john need to be back in work by Tuesday . ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john shuts the door behind [me]2813-john before calling [the elevator]604-the elevator . ‘ [I]2813-john ca n’t believe [you]2813-john used the countdown as the new code . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john grumble , but [he]2813-john does n’t acknowledge [me]2813-john . [We]1544-we travel down in silence , [me]2813-john looking at [him]2813-john in the reflection of the mirrored doors while [he]2813-john makes a call to [John]2813-john . [He]2813-john does n’t acknowledge [me]2813-john . The doors open , and [he]2813-john nods to [them]1545-them as [he]2813-john continues [his]2813-john conversation with [the big guy]438-the big guy , telling [John]2813-john to get [Steve]134-steve on it before advising [him]2813-john that [he]2813-john ’s taking [me]2813-john to [[my]2813-john parents]2767-my parents . [I]2813-john still do n’t believe it . And get [Steve]134-steve on what ? ‘ Hi , [Ava]536-ava . ’[95-lusso] [Casey]95-lusso ’s cheerful tone quickly has a bright smile replacing [my]2813-john fixed furrowed brow . ‘ [Mrs Ward]72-mrs ward ! ’[306-jesse] [Jesse]306-jesse barks , between words with [John]2813-john as [we]1548-we pass the concierge desk . [I]2813-john ignore [him]2813-john . ‘ Morning , [Casey]95-lusso . Are [you]95-lusso okay ? ’[2813-john] ‘ Very well , thank [you]95-lusso . It ’s a lovely day . ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john nods outside , and [I]2813-john look to find bright sunshine . ‘ Have a nice day , [Ava]536-ava . ’[2813-john] ‘ Thank [you]95-lusso , ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m all dreamy as [I]2813-john emerge into the muggy air , instantly noticing [my]2813-john wedding present has miraculously made its way back to [Lusso]95-lusso , but [[my]2813-john bright white Range Rover]3593-my bright white range rover is forgotten when [I]2813-john see [an Aston Martin]127-aston martin . ‘[2813-john] Yeah , [thanks big guy]1549-thanks big guy . ’ [Jesse]306-jesse hangs up and walks straight to the boot of [the strange car]709-the car , slipping the case in . ‘[1549-thanks big guy] What ’s this ? ’ [I]2813-john ask , pointing to [the DBS]2996-the dbs . [He]1549-thanks big guy shuts the boot and clasps [his]1549-thanks big guy stubbled chin thoughtfully . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john think it might be [a car]709-the car . ’ ‘[2813-john] Sarcasm does n’t suit [you]1551-you , [God]306-jesse . [I]2813-john mean , where has it come from ? ’ ‘[2813-john] [It]709-the car came from [a garage]1552-a garage to replace [mine]2813-john until it ’s located . ’ [He]1549-thanks big guy takes [my]709-the car elbow and directs [me]709-the car in . ‘[709-the car] [They]1553-they ’ve still not found [[your]1551-you car]709-the car ? ’ ‘[709-the car] No , ’ [he]1549-thanks big guy answers quickly and finally , with no room for pushing on the matter , not that it stops [me]709-the car . ‘[709-the car] What ’s [Steve]134-steve doing ? ’ [I]134-steve ask , and [he]1549-thanks big guy pulls back , momentarily faltering in [his]1549-thanks big guy purposeful stride of actions . ‘[134-steve] Nothing , ’ [He]1549-thanks big guy ’s lying , and [I]134-steve raise [my]134-steve eyebrows suspiciously , just so [he]1549-thanks big guy knows that [I]134-steve know . ‘[134-steve] [He]134-steve ’s looking into a few things for [me]2813-john . ’ [he]134-steve huffs , reaching across to belt [me]134-steve up . [I]134-steve bat [his]134-steve fussing hands away when [he]134-steve adjusts the lap belt across [my]134-steve tummy . ‘[134-steve] Will [you]1554-you just stop ? ’ [I]134-steve push [him]134-steve out and shut the door on [him]134-steve , leaving a brooding mass of male on the other side of the window , glaring at [me]134-steve . [I]134-steve ’m[134-steve] beginning to wish [he]134-steve was taking [me]2813-john to [[my]2813-john mum]2774-kate ’s . [I]2813-john do n’t know if [I]2813-john can stand it , and [I]2813-john ’m not going to even try and convince [myself]2813-john that [he]134-steve can stop . [Double babies]3595-double babies looks like double mollycoddling . [Jesse]306-jesse mollycoddling . And [I]2813-john know damn well what [Steve]134-steve ’s looking into , and [I]2813-john also know that [Steve]134-steve being left intact by [Jesse]306-jesse is a result of [Steve]134-steve agreeing to look into [my]2813-john drugging , and now the accident , too . [I]2813-john throw [my]2813-john head back against the headrest and turn a little to watch [him]306-jesse settle in [the driver]3227-the driver ’s seat , adjusting the settings that will take [him]306-jesse further away from the wheel so [his]306-jesse long legs are comfortable . ‘[2813-john] Why did n’t [we]1556-we just take [[my]2813-john car]653-my car ? ’ [I]1558-i ask , nodding across to [my]1558-i shiny snowball . [He]306-jesse freezes mid - adjust and looks at [me]1558-i out the corner of [his]306-jesse eye . ‘[1558-i] [You]1558-i ca n’t drive too far . ’ [I]1558-i smile on the inside . ‘[1558-i] No , but [you]1558-i could . ’ [I]1558-i should throw a hissy fit and make [him]306-jesse drive [the damn tank]3597-the damn tank . [I]1558-i would n’t be surprised if it was bullet proof as well . ‘[1558-i] Yes , [I]2813-john could , but [I]2813-john have this now . ’ [He]306-jesse brushes [me]2813-john off and starts the engine , revving it loudly on a satisfied smile . ‘[2813-john] Listen to that . ’ [he]306-jesse sighs , whacking it into gear and pulling off . [I]2813-john begrudgingly admire the guttural roar of [the DBS]150-the dbs as [I]2813-john keep [my]2813-john relaxed head facing [him]306-jesse , admiring [his]306-jesse stunning profile . ‘[2813-john] Where are [you]1558-i taking [me]2813-john , then ? ’ [I]2813-john ask , retrieving [my]2813-john phone from [my]2813-john bag . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john told [you]1558-i , [[your]1558-i mother]2774-kate ’s . ’ [I]2813-john roll [my]2813-john eyes dramatically . [I]2813-john know [he]1558-i would rather boil [his]1558-i head than see [[my]2813-john mum]2774-kate willingly . ‘[2813-john] Okay , ’ [I]1558-i sigh , dialling [Kate]2774-kate . Give [me]1558-i [your]1558-i phone . ’[1558-i] [His]1558-i hand comes towards [me]2813-john , [his]1558-i fingers grasping in the space between [us]1560-us . ‘ No phone . ’[1558-i] ‘ [I]2813-john need to call [Kate]2774-kate . ’[2813-john] [My]2813-john phone is seized and turned off . ‘ [I]2774-kate ’ve called everyone who needs to know that [we]1560-us ’re[2774-kate] going away , including [Kate]2774-kate . Unravel [your]1561-your knickers , [lady]2813-john . ’ [I]536-ava do n’t try to reclaim it . [I]536-ava do n’t want it . * * * ‘[536-ava] [Ava]536-ava , [baby]536-ava , wake up . ’ [I]536-ava open [my]536-ava eyes and stretch , [my]536-ava hands hitting the ceiling above [me]536-ava . Confused , [I]536-ava look up and see the roof of [a car]572-a car . Then [my]536-ava sleepy eyes fall to the side and come face to face with [[my]536-ava lovely control freak]3599-my lovely control freak . [He]3599-my lovely control freak ’s smiling brightly at [me]536-ava . ‘[536-ava] Where are [we]1563-we ? ’ [I]536-ava rub [my]536-ava eyes . ‘[536-ava] Cornwall , ’ [he]3599-my lovely control freak replies quickly . [My]536-ava waking brain quickly registers that [I]536-ava need a wee . ‘[536-ava] Stop it . ’ [I]536-ava snap . [I]536-ava ’m[536-ava] a little grizzly , too . ‘ [I]536-ava need a wee . ’[536-ava] [I]2813-john shift in [my]2813-john seat and clasp the handle to get out , catching the first glimpse of [our]1563-we surroundings . [I]2813-john recognise it . The low wall circling [the small graveyard]1564-the small graveyard , [the little hut [you]1565-you can walk through to take the winding path down to [the beach]1566-the beach]1564-the small graveyard and the mixture of sand and leaves that gather in the gutter . It ’s all familiar . Too familiar . [I]2813-john swing to face [him]2813-john . ‘ [You]1565-you were n’t kidding ! ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john double check , but the line of hanging wetsuits in [the garden]1567-the garden across [the road]577-the road only confirm [my]2813-john fears . ‘ [You]1565-you ’re[2813-john] dumping [me]2813-john on [[my]2813-john mum]2774-kate ? ’ [I]2774-kate sound hurt . [I]2774-kate am hurt . Perhaps [he]2813-john ca n’t cope with [his]2813-john ridiculous over - protectiveness either and has come to the conclusion that [[my]2774-kate parents]2767-my parents looking after [me]2774-kate throughout this pregnancy will probably prevent the heart attack that [he]2813-john ’s bound to have . It might also save [our]3601-our marriage because [I]2774-kate can see quite a few months of controlling on [his]2813-john part and defiance on [mine]2774-kate , that is until [I]2774-kate ’m[2774-kate] too fat to retaliate . [I]2813-john ’m going to be like a whale . Huge . Enormous . Fat and pregnant and really un - sexy . [I]2813-john could cry . [I]2813-john feel [his]2813-john hand slide across [my]2813-john neck and grasp [my]2813-john nape , turning [my]2813-john face towards [his]2813-john . ‘[2813-john] Do n’t threaten [me]2813-john with [Cornwall]15-cornwall . ’ [He]2813-john ’s grinning . And [I]88-baby start crying , like [a stupid , hormonal pregnant woman]3602-a stupid , hormonal pregnant woman . Through [my]88-baby unreasonable tears , [I]88-baby see [his]1570-he grin vanish and a look of anxiousness replace it . ‘[88-baby] [Baby]88-baby , [I]2813-john ’m joking . [Anyone]2929-anyone would have to slice [their]2929-anyone way through [me]1570-he to get to [you]88-baby . [You]88-baby know that . ’[1570-he] [He]1570-he pulls [me]2813-john over onto [his]1570-he lap , and [I]2813-john burrow into [his]1570-he neck , sobbing stupidly . [I]2813-john ’m being completely unreasonable , [I]536-ava know that . [He]1570-he would never leave [me]536-ava . What ’s the matter with [me]536-ava ? ‘[536-ava] [Ava]536-ava , look at [me]2813-john . ’ [I]536-ava sniffle into [him]1570-he and reluctantly pull [my]536-ava head up so [he]1570-he can see [my]536-ava tear stained mess of a face . ‘[536-ava] [I]2813-john ’m going to be so fat . [Massive]158-massive ! [Twins]151-twins , [Jesse]306-jesse ! ’[2813-john] [My]2813-john smugness from [the hospital]742-the hospital has long gone . All of the thoughts of torturing [him]1570-he with screaming babies and mood swings have just diminished . [I]2813-john ’m going to be stretched to within an inch of [my]2813-john life . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] twenty six . [I]2813-john do n’t want saggy bits and stretch marks . [I]2813-john ’ll never pull off lace again . ‘ [You]306-jesse wo n’t … ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ca n’t think it , let alone say it . ‘ Desire [you]306-jesse . ’[1570-he] [He]1570-he finishes for [me]2813-john . [He]1570-he knows . [I]2813-john nod [my]2813-john head a little , feeling guilty for being so selfish , but that look in [his]1570-he eyes when [he]1570-he has [me]2813-john in [his]1570-he arms , or anytime [he]1570-he looks at [me]2813-john , in fact , [I]2813-john do n’t know what [I]2813-john ’d do if [I]2813-john never had it again . [I]2813-john need it . It ’s a massive part of [our]1572-our relationship . ‘ Yes , ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’ve got to be honest . It ’s a fear , along with all of the others that accompany this pregnancy . [He]1570-he smiles a little and places [his]1570-he hand on [my]2813-john cheek , [his]1570-he thumb brushing gentle circles . ‘ [Baby]88-baby , that will never happen . ’[1570-he] ‘ [You]2813-john do n’t know that . [You]2813-john do n’t know how [you]2813-john ’ll feel when [I]2813-john ’ve got swollen ankles and [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] walking like [I]2813-john ’ve got a melon wedged between [my]2813-john thighs . ’ [He]1570-he laughs , really hard . ‘[2813-john] Is that how it ’ll be ? ’ ‘[2813-john] Probably , ’ ‘[2813-john] Let [me]2813-john tell [you]2813-john , [lady]2813-john . [I]2813-john desire [you]2813-john more with every day that passes , and [I]2813-john believe [you]2813-john ’ve been carrying [[my]2813-john babies]1517-my babies for quite a few weeks . ’ [He]1570-he gives [my]2813-john tummy a little rub with [his]1570-he spare hand . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m not fat yet . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john mutter . ‘ [You]2813-john ’re[2813-john] not going to be fat , [Ava]536-ava . [You]2813-john ’re pregnant , and let [me]536-ava tell [you]2813-john , the thought of [you]2813-john keeping a piece of [me]536-ava and [you]2813-john warm and safe makes [me]536-ava fucking deliriously happy , and … ’[536-ava] [He]536-ava slowly thrusts [his]536-ava hips upwards . [He]536-ava ’s solid . ‘ It makes [me]536-ava desire [you]2813-john even fucking more . Now , shut up and kiss [me]536-ava , [wife]2844-sam . ’[536-ava] [I]2813-john give [him]536-ava a cynical look , and [he]536-ava gives [he]536-ava an expectant one , delivering another thrust upwards . It catches [me]2813-john perfectly , and [I]2813-john practically dive on [him]536-ava . [I]2813-john decide right here in this moment that [I]2813-john ’m not going to let it happen . [I]2813-john shall be doing those pelvic floor things until [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] blue in the face . [I]2813-john ’ll be running , too , and wearing lace when [I]2813-john ’m in labour . ‘[2813-john] Hmmm , there ’s [[my]2813-john girl]3020-my girl , ’ [he]536-ava hums when [I]536-ava let [him]536-ava up for air . ‘[536-ava] Shit , [Ava]536-ava , [I]2813-john would love to rip those lace knickers off and fuck [you]536-ava stupid right now , but [I]2813-john do n’t want [an audience]1575-an audience . ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john do n’t care . ’ [I]536-ava assault [him]536-ava again , raiding [his]536-ava mouth with [my]536-ava tongue and pulling at [his]536-ava hair viciously . [He]536-ava just said [he]536-ava ’d love to fuck [me]536-ava . [I]536-ava do n’t care where [we]3605-we are . ‘[536-ava] [Ava]536-ava , ’ [He]536-ava struggles against [me]536-ava on a laugh . ‘[536-ava] Cut it out or [I]2813-john wo n’t be responsible for [my]2813-john actions . ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john wo n’t hold [you]536-ava responsible . ’ [I]536-ava do n’t give up . [I]536-ava ’m[536-ava] pulling at [his]536-ava t - shirt , grinding [myself]2813-john down on [his]536-ava erection . ‘ Fucking hell , [woman]536-ava . ’[536-ava] [he]536-ava groans . [I]2813-john ’ve nearly got [him]536-ava , but then there ’s a hard rapping on the window right next to [my]2813-john head , and [I]2813-john pull back on gasp , quickly gathering [my]2813-john near on unquenchable lust . [We]3218-both of us look at [each other]3052-each other for a few seconds , [both of [us]3218-both of us]3218-both of us panting , and then slowly turn [our]3218-both of us heads in unison towards the window . There ’s [a policeman]1380-a policeman . And [he]1380-a policeman does n’t look very happy . [I]2813-john ’m quickly shifted from [Jesse]306-jesse ’s lap and placed on [my]2813-john seat , where [I]2813-john smooth [my]2813-john hair down and blush a million shades of red . [Jesse]306-jesse grins that roguish grin as [he]1380-a policeman watches [me]2813-john sort [myself]2813-john out . ‘[2813-john] That ’ll teach [you]1579-you . ’ [He]1380-a policeman lets [his]1380-a policeman window down and turns [his]1380-a policeman attention to the copper . ‘[2813-john] Sorry about that . Pregnant . Hormones . Ca n’t keep [her]1580-her hands off [me]2813-john . ’ [He]1380-a policeman ’s supressing a laugh , and [I]1580-her gasp , smacking [his]1380-a policeman thigh . [He]1380-a policeman chuckles , grabbing [my]1580-her hand and squeezing . ‘[1580-her] See ? ’ [The policeman]67-doctor monroe actually coughs and blushes [himself]67-doctor monroe . ‘[1580-her] Yes … well … urm … public place . ’ [He]1380-a policeman signals around in thin air . ‘[1580-her] Move on , please . ’ ‘[1581-we] [We]1581-we ’re visiting . ’[306-jesse] [Jesse]306-jesse does the window back up , blocking any further stuttering and stammering from [the red faced policeman]67-doctor monroe , before turning [his]67-doctor monroe mischievous face back to [me]2813-john . This is easy going [Jesse]306-jesse . [He]67-doctor monroe ’s shameless , just like any other time , but adorable and lovable and all roguish . ‘ Ready ? ’[67-doctor monroe] ‘ [I]2813-john thought [you]3607-you were taking [me]2813-john on [a plane]1522-a plane ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john love [Newquay]32-newquay , and [I]2813-john ca n’t wait to see [[my]2813-john mum]2774-kate and [dad]2779-dad , but [Jesse]306-jesse all to [myself]2813-john is what [I]2813-john want right now . ‘ [I]2779-dad am , after [we]3609-we ’ve told [[my]2779-dad delightful mother]2774-kate - in - law that [she]2774-kate ’s going to be [a grandmother]2774-kate . ’[2779-dad] [He]2779-dad jumps out of [the car]709-the car and leaves [me]2813-john all horrified and suddenly not so keen on seeing [[my]2813-john mum]2774-kate . [She]2774-kate ’s going to pass out . The door opens next to [me]2813-john . ‘ Out [you]3610-you get . ’[2774-kate] [I]2813-john close [my]2813-john eyes and look for some patience . ‘ Why are [you]3610-you doing this to [me]2813-john ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ask . ‘ [They]3611-they need to know . ’[2779-dad] [He]2779-dad takes [my]2813-john hand and pulls [me]2813-john out . ‘ No , [you]3610-you just ca n’t wait to advise [[my]2779-dad forty seven year old mother]3612-my forty seven year old mother that [she]1586-she ’s going to be [a gran]3613-a gran . ’[2779-dad] ‘ Not at all . ’[2779-dad] [He]2779-dad ’s all defensive , but [I]2813-john know [his]2779-dad game . [He]2779-dad loves rubbing [her]1586-she up the wrong way . Holding [my]2813-john hand , [he]2779-dad leads [me]2813-john up [the driveway]3261-the driveway to [[[my]2813-john parent]2981-my parent ’s semi by [the sea]1590-the sea]1589-my parent ’s semi by the sea . ‘ How did [you]3614-you know where to come ? ’[2779-dad] This has only just occurred to [me]2813-john . [He]2779-dad ’s never been [here]2799-here before . Or has [he]2779-dad ? ‘ [I]2779-dad called and asked for the address , and [I]2779-dad believe that ’s [[your]3614-you father]2779-dad ’s car . ’[2779-dad] [He]2779-dad points to [[my]2813-john dad]2779-dad ’s [Mercedes]159-mercedes . ‘ Am [I]2779-dad right ? ’[2779-dad] ‘ Yes , ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john grumble . [[My]2813-john parents]2767-my parents are obviously expecting [us]1593-us . As [we]1593-us approach the front door , [Jesse]306-jesse lifts [my]2813-john hand and kisses it sweetly , giving [me]2813-john a little wink . [I]2813-john smile at [the irritating rogue]1594-the irritating rogue . Then [he]2779-dad snaps a pair of handcuffs over [our]1593-us wrists . ‘ What are [you]2779-dad doing ? ’[2779-dad] [I]2813-john pull against [him]2779-dad , but it ’s too late . [He]2779-dad works those cuffs well . ‘ [Jesse]306-jesse ! ’[2779-dad] The front door swings open and [[my]2813-john mum]2774-kate stands there , looking all lovely in a pair of cropped jeans and a little cream jumper . ‘ [[My]2774-kate girl]3020-my girl ’s [home]2904-home ! ’[2774-kate] ‘ Hi , [Mum]246-mum . ’[306-jesse] [Jesse]306-jesse chirps , lifting [our]1593-us cuffed hands and waving on a grin . [I]2813-john knew [he]2779-dad would do that , and even though [[my]2813-john poor mum]2774-kate has just staggered in shock , [I]2813-john ca n’t help breaking out in a huge smile . [He]2779-dad ’s all playful , and [I]2813-john love it . [She]2774-kate gets [herself]2774-kate in a fluster and does a quick scan on the outside area behind [us]1593-us before grabbing [Jesse]306-jesse and hauling [him]306-jesse into [the hallway]648-the hallway . ‘ Get those cuffs off [[my]306-jesse daughter]215-elizabeth , [you]215-elizabeth menace . ’[306-jesse] [He]306-jesse laughs and removes them promptly , quickly restoring [Elizabeth]215-elizabeth ’s smile . ‘ Happy ? ’[306-jesse] [he]306-jesse asks . ‘ Yes , ’[2774-kate] [She]2774-kate knocks [his]306-jesse shoulder before moving in and squeezing [me]2813-john to [her]2774-kate bosom . ‘ It ’s so good to see [you]215-elizabeth , [darling]215-elizabeth . [I]2774-kate ’ve got [the spare room]959-the spare room ready for [you]215-elizabeth . ’[2774-kate] ‘ [We]1597-we ’re[2774-kate] staying ? ’ [I]1597-we ask , accepting [her]2774-kate hug . ‘[1597-we] [We]1597-we fly out in the morning . ’ [Jesse]306-jesse pipes up . ‘[1597-we] [I]2813-john thought [we]1597-we ’d run a visit in before [[your]1598-you mum]287-your mum starts thinking that [I]2813-john ’m keeping [you]1598-you from [her]246-mum . ’[246-mum] [Mum]246-mum drops [me]2813-john and takes [Jesse]306-jesse in [her]246-mum arms . ‘ Thank [you]1598-you for bringing [her]246-mum to visit . ’[246-mum] [she]246-mum says , squeezing [him]306-jesse extra tight . [I]2813-john smile as [I]2813-john watch [him]306-jesse accept [her]246-mum hug , rolling [his]306-jesse eyes over [her]246-mum shoulder at [me]2813-john . All of this is n’t for [him]306-jesse . [I]2813-john know that [he]306-jesse ’d rather have [me]2813-john to [himself]306-jesse any day of the week , but [he]306-jesse really is trying , and [I]2813-john love [him]306-jesse all the more for it . ‘ Make the most of it because [I]306-jesse ’m[306-jesse] kidnapping [her]246-mum in the morning . ’ ‘[246-mum] Yes , yes , [I]2813-john know . ’ [She]246-mum releases [him]306-jesse . ‘[464-dan] [Joseph]464-dan ! [They]1600-they ’re here ! [I]1601-i ’ll make tea . ’[1601-i] [We]1601-i follow [her]246-mum down to [the kitchen]3044-the kitchen , and [I]2813-john gaze around , taking in the ever perfect neatness and preciseness of [[[my]2813-john parent]2981-my parent ’s home]1604-my parent ’s home . [I]2813-john did n’t grow up here , but [mum]246-mum has gone out of [her]246-mum way to replicate [[my]2813-john childhood home]1604-my parent ’s home , even having a wall knocked down to join [the kitchen]3044-the kitchen and [dining room]1605-dining room , making it [a huge family room]1606-a huge family room . [[My]2813-john dad]2779-dad is sitting at the kitchen table , reading a newspaper . ‘ Hi , [Dad]2779-dad ! ’[2779-dad] [I]2813-john lean over [his]2779-dad shoulder and kiss [his]2779-dad cheek , and like always [he]2779-dad tenses at the show of affection . ‘ [Ava]536-ava , how are [you]536-ava ? ’[2779-dad] [He]2779-dad closes [his]2779-dad paper and puts [his]2779-dad hand out to [Jesse]306-jesse , who has made [himself]306-jesse comfy in the chair next to [Dad]2779-dad . ‘ Is [she]2779-dad keeping [you]536-ava on [your]536-ava toes ? ’[2779-dad] ‘ Of course , ’[306-jesse] [Jesse]306-jesse flicks [me]2813-john a look , and [I]2813-john scoff . After visiting the loo , [I]2813-john settle at the table with [[my]2813-john dad]2779-dad and [[my]2813-john husband]2779-dad and watch quietly as [they]1608-they chat at ease while [[my]2813-john mum]2774-kate makes tea , throwing little bits into the conversation here and there . It ’s a wonderful sight , and if [anyone]2929-anyone would ’ve said that this would happen when [I]2813-john first got involved with [[my]2813-john Lord of [the Sex Manor]2814-the sex manor]2828-my lord of the sex manor , [I]2813-john would have laughed in [their]1608-they face . [I]2813-john would never have dreamt it . [I]2813-john ’m so happy . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john thought [we]1613-we could go down to [The Windmill]1614-the windmill for dinner tonight . ’ [Mum]246-mum says , placing the tea on the table . ‘[1613-we] [We]1613-we ’ll stroll down . It ’s going to be a lovely evening . ’ [Dad]2779-dad grunts [his]2779-dad agreement , no doubt looking forward to a few pints . ‘[1613-we] That sounds like a plan . ’ [he]2779-dad agrees . ‘[1613-we] Perfect , ’ [Jesse]306-jesse places [his]2779-dad hand on [my]1613-we knee and squeezes . Yes , perfect . Chapter 22 ‘[1613-we] Ladies first , ’ [Jesse]306-jesse holds the door open , and [mum]246-mum and [I]464-dan slip past . ‘[464-dan] [Joseph]464-dan , ’ ‘[464-dan] Thank [you]464-dan , [Jesse]306-jesse . ’ [[My]306-jesse dad]2779-dad walks ahead , leading [us]1613-we to a table by the fireplace , which is lit with an array of candles , rather than the usual logs and flames that crackle during the winter months . ‘[306-jesse] Drinks ? ’ [Jesse]306-jesse asks , pulling out a chair for [me]2813-john , but soon stopping [me]2813-john from resting [my]2813-john bum down when [he]2779-dad notices it ’s hard wood and free of anything cushioned . Leaving [me]2813-john standing , [he]2779-dad quickly swaps it for a nearby high - backed chair with arms , upholstered in a regal green velvet . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’ll have a glass of white . ’ [Mum]246-mum perches neatly down and takes [her]246-mum glasses out to read the menu . ‘[2813-john] Pint of [Carlsberg]160-carlsberg for [me]2813-john , please . ’ [Dad]2779-dad says . ‘[160-carlsberg] And for [[my]2813-john beautiful girl]0-my beautiful girl ? ’ [Jesse]306-jesse asks , pushing [me]0-my beautiful girl down onto the soft seat . ‘[0-my beautiful girl] Water , please . ’ [I]0-my beautiful girl place [my]0-my beautiful girl order with absolutely no thought , until [[my]0-my beautiful girl mum]246-mum ’s head flies up from the menu . ‘[0-my beautiful girl] No wine ? ’ [Her]246-mum face is shocked as [she]246-mum looks over [her]246-mum glasses at [me]1617-i . [I]1617-i shift on [my]1617-i seat and feel [Jesse]306-jesse fidgeting behind [me]1617-i as [he]306-jesse tucks [me]1617-i in closer to the table . ‘[1617-i] No , [we]1616-we need to get away early . ’ [I]1617-i flip casually , picking up a menu . [I]1617-i ’m[1617-i] very abruptly reminded of the reason [we]1616-we ’re here . [I]1617-i ’m[1617-i] really not looking forward to this . ‘ Oh , ’[1617-i] [She]1617-i still looks surprised , but [she]1617-i does n’t push the matter further , instead pointing out the specials on the menu . [I]2813-john feel [Jesse]306-jesse ’s hot breath at [my]2813-john ear . Of course , [I]2813-john shiver , still quite pent up from [our]1616-we abandoned encounter in [the Aston Martin]1618-the aston martin . ‘ [I]1618-the aston martin love [you]1618-the aston martin . ’[1618-the aston martin] [He]1618-the aston martin kisses [my]2813-john cheek , and [I]2813-john reach up to feel [his]1618-the aston martin stubbled cheek out . ‘ [I]1618-the aston martin know . ’[1618-the aston martin] [He]1618-the aston martin leaves [us]1616-we at the table to order the drinks , and [I]2813-john watch as [[my]2813-john mum]2774-kate reads out everything on the menu to [[my]2813-john dad]56-darling , and then proceeds to recite the daily specials from the various blackboards dotted around [the bar]2773-the bar . ‘ Have [you]1618-the aston martin heard from [Dan]464-dan ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ask . ‘ Yes , [he]1618-the aston martin called earlier , [darling]56-darling . ’[246-mum] [Mum]246-mum tells [me]2813-john . ‘ [He]1618-the aston martin said that [you]1618-the aston martin met for lunch yesterday . How lovely . [I]246-mum told [him]306-jesse [you]1618-the aston martin were coming down before [you]1618-the aston martin go on holiday , but [he]306-jesse did n’t know . [I]246-mum ’m[246-mum] surprised [Jesse]306-jesse did n’t think to tell [him]306-jesse . ’ [I]246-mum ’m[246-mum] not surprised , but [[my]2813-john mum]246-mum seems to be blissfully unaware of the animosity batting between [[my]2813-john brother]420-my husband and [[my]2813-john husband]420-my husband . ‘ This was last minute . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john shake [my]2813-john head dismissively . ‘ [Jesse]306-jesse probably forgot . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john feel a tad guilty . It did n’t cost [me]2813-john a thought to let [Dan]464-dan know that [I]2813-john was out of [London]3-london for a while . [I]2813-john ’m saved from further interrogation when a tray is placed on the table . [Everyone]2825-everyone takes [their]2825-everyone drinks , and [[my]2813-john parents]2767-my parents both gasp appreciatively around the rims of [their]2825-everyone alcohol filled glasses . [I]2813-john look at [my]2813-john own clear filled highball with as much enthusiasm as [I]2813-john feel for it , and then at [[my]2813-john mum]2774-kate ’s wineglass on a sigh . ‘[2813-john] What are [you]2813-john having , then ’ [Mum]246-mum asks . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john think [I]2813-john ’ll go for the seafood platter . ’ [I]306-jesse lean over to [Jesse]306-jesse and share [his]306-jesse menu , [my]306-jesse hand falling to [his]306-jesse knee . [He]306-jesse picks it up and absentmindedly kisses it , not taking [his]306-jesse eyes from the menu . ‘[306-jesse] What would [you]2813-john like , [baby]306-jesse ? ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m not sure . ’[2813-john] ‘ [I]306-jesse ’m[306-jesse] having the mussels in garlic . ’ [Dad]2779-dad declares , pointing at the board , which is displaying a mouth - watering selection of seafood dishes . ‘[2813-john] Bloody delicious . ’ [He]2779-dad smacks [his]2779-dad lips and takes a swig of [his]2779-dad pint . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] torn . Seafood is a must , especially being so close to [the sea]1590-the sea , but what shall [I]2813-john have ? [The Seafood Platter]1626-the seafood platter , full of cockles , mussels , crab and king prawns , or the mussels drenched in garlic butter with warm , freshly baked bread . [My]2813-john stomach growls , pushing [me]2813-john to hurry and fill it up . ‘ [I]2813-john ca n’t decide . ’[2813-john] ‘ Tell [me]2813-john what [you]2813-john ’re[2813-john] thinking , and [I]2813-john ’ll help [you]2813-john . ’ [Jesse]306-jesse looks over , waiting for [me]161-mussels to enlighten [him]306-jesse on [my]161-mussels quandary . ‘[161-mussels] [Mussels]161-mussels or the seafood platter . ’ [I]161-mussels muse . [His]306-jesse eyes bug . ‘[161-mussels] Neither ! ’ [he]306-jesse blurts , drawing the attention of [[my]161-mussels parents , who both pause with [their]3621-my parents , who both pause with their drinks halfway to their mouths drinks halfway to [their]3621-my parents , who both pause with their drinks halfway to their mouths mouths]3621-my parents , who both pause with their drinks halfway to their mouths . ‘[161-mussels] Why ? ’ [I]306-jesse turn a frown on [him]306-jesse , but very quickly realise exactly why . [He]306-jesse ’s read something in that bloody book . ‘[306-jesse] Oh , come on , [Jesse]306-jesse ! ’ [He]306-jesse shakes [his]306-jesse head . ‘[306-jesse] No way , [lady]2813-john . Not a chance . There ’s some sort of mercury in fish that can damage [an unborn baby]1627-an unborn baby ’s nervous system . Do n’t even try to defy [me]2813-john on this one . ’ ‘[2813-john] Are [you]2813-john going to let [me]2813-john eat anything ? ’ [My]2813-john brow is completely furrowed . [I]2813-john love seafood . ‘[2813-john] Yes . Chicken , steak . Both are high in protein , and that ’s good for [[our]1628-our babies]3539-our babies . ’ [I]2813-john let out a frustrated protest and grab [my]2813-john water viciously . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] going to lose [my]2813-john mind . [I]2813-john ’ll be on [Prozac]162-prozac by the time [these babies]3539-our babies arrive . [I]2813-john ’m so busy having a mental sulk , it takes [me]2813-john a few moments to register [[my]2813-john parent]2981-my parent ’s stunned faces across the table . Oh shit ! ‘[2813-john] Do it in style , [Ava]536-ava . ’ [Jesse]306-jesse mutters , placing [his]306-jesse menu on the table . [I]536-ava shoot incredulous eyes to [him]306-jesse . [Me]536-ava ? ‘[536-ava] [You]536-ava ’re pregnant ? ’[246-mum] [Mum]246-mum blurts , the information overload obviously registering . ‘ [Ava]536-ava ? ’[2779-dad] [Dad]2779-dad presses when [I]2813-john remain focused on [Jesse]306-jesse , who is remaining focused on the menu that [he]2779-dad ’s just laid down . [I]2813-john take a deep breath of confidence and bite the bullet . There ’s no escaping this now , not that [I]2813-john ever dreamt [Jesse]306-jesse would allow [me]2813-john to leave [Newquay]32-newquay without telling [them]32-newquay . ‘ Surprise . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john whisper , like [a feeble cop]1630-a feeble cop out . ‘ But [you]2813-john ’ve been married for five minutes ! ’[246-mum] [Mum]246-mum gasps . ‘ Five minutes ! ’[246-mum] [I]2813-john watch as [[my]2813-john dad]2779-dad places a calming hand on [her]246-mum arm , but that is n’t going to stop [her]246-mum . [I]2813-john can feel a rant coming on , in which case , [I]2813-john also feel a Jesse style trample coming on . [I]2813-john ca n’t imagine [him]2779-dad taking a critical speech from [[my]2813-john mother]2774-kate too well . [She]2774-kate ’s right , though . [We]1632-we have only been married for a few short weeks . Not quite five minutes , but it may as well be . [I]2813-john dare not tell [her]2774-kate how far pregnant [I]2813-john am . [She]2774-kate ’ll work out the timeframes fast enough and soon calculate just how soon after meeting [this man]2779-dad [I]2813-john got [myself]2813-john knocked up . Coming to terms with the fact that [I]2813-john met and married [him]2779-dad so quickly was hard enough , even if [Jesse]306-jesse did delicately - ish trample them and gain [[my]2813-john father]1633-my father ’s approval . [I]2813-john remain quiet , as does [Jesse]306-jesse , as does [[my]2813-john father]1633-my father , but not [[my]2813-john mother]2774-kate . Oh no , [she]2774-kate ’s only just getting started . [I]2813-john can tell by the flex of [her]2774-kate fingers on [her]2774-kate wine glass and the drawing of deep breaths . And then [I]2813-john get really worried because [her]2774-kate eyes widen and swing towards [Jesse]306-jesse . ‘ It was a shotgun wedding , was n’t it ? [You]3623-you married [her]2774-kate because [you]3623-you had to ! ’[2774-kate] ‘ Thanks ! ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john laugh , thinking how obscene it is for [her]2774-kate to say such a thing . [She]2774-kate ’s not thinking straight , and now [she]2774-kate ’s saying stupid shit . Even with [her]2774-kate limited time with [us]1634-we , [she]2774-kate knows how [we]1634-we feel about each other . ‘ [Elizabeth]215-elizabeth , ’[306-jesse] [Jesse]306-jesse sits forward , all stern , [his]306-jesse jaw ticking . [I]2813-john fear the worst . ‘ [You]215-elizabeth know better than that . ’[306-jesse] [He]306-jesse sounds so calm , but [I]2813-john can detect the irritation in [his]306-jesse tone , and [I]2813-john can hardly blame [him]306-jesse . [He]306-jesse ’s insulted , and so am I. [Mum]246-mum huffs a little , but [Dad]2779-dad interjects before [she]246-mum can retaliate . ‘ So [you]215-elizabeth did n’t know at the wedding ? ’[2779-dad] ‘ No , ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john answer quickly , taking [my]2813-john glass with both hands to prevent [my]2813-john natural reflex from failing [me]2813-john . Yes , [we]1634-we both knew damn well , even if [I]2813-john was denying it . ‘ [I]2779-dad see , ’[2779-dad] [Dad]2779-dad sighs . ‘ [I]246-mum ca n’t believe it , ’[246-mum] [Mum]246-mum whines . ‘ [A pregnant bride]3624-a pregnant bride suggests only one thing . ’[246-mum] ‘ Then do n’t bloody tell [anyone]2929-anyone . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john snap , feeling immensely pissed off with [[my]2813-john mum]246-mum and [her]246-mum reaction . [I]2813-john ca n’t blame [her]246-mum , it is shocking , more so than [she]246-mum ’ll ever know , but to suggest [I]2813-john was rushed down [the aisle]279-the aisle because of it ? That just makes [me]2813-john fuming mad , so [I]2813-john do n’t know how [Jesse]306-jesse must be feeling . [His]306-jesse twitching , tense frame should be a clue , and when [he]306-jesse takes [my]2813-john left hand and starts twirling [my]2813-john wedding ring , [I]2813-john know that [[my]2813-john mum]246-mum is about to be trampled . [He]306-jesse leans forward , and [I]2813-john close [my]2813-john eyes . ‘ [Elizabeth]215-elizabeth , [I]306-jesse ’m[306-jesse] not [an eighteen year old lad]1636-an eighteen year old lad being forced to do the right thing after a quick fuck about with [a girl]1637-a girl . ’ [He]306-jesse ’s not quite snarling at [[my]1637-a girl mother]536-ava , but as [I]1637-a girl open [my]1637-a girl eyes to [gage]163-gage exactly how much fierceness [we]3626-we ’re[1637-a girl] dealing with , [I]2813-john immediately notice [him]306-jesse fighting a curling lip . ‘ [I]306-jesse ’m[306-jesse] thirty eight years old . [Ava]536-ava is [[my]2813-john wife]536-ava , and [I]2813-john ’m not having [her]1637-a girl worked up or upset , so [you]3627-you can accept it and give [us]3626-we [your]3627-you blessing , or [you]3627-you can carry on like this and [I]306-jesse ’ll take [[my]306-jesse girl]536-ava [home]2904-home now . ’[306-jesse] [He]306-jesse ’s still twirling [my]2813-john ring , and even though [he]306-jesse has just firmly put [[my]2813-john melodramatic mother]536-ava in [her]1638-her place , and quite harshly , [I]2813-john could kiss [him]306-jesse . And slap [him]306-jesse , too . [He]306-jesse does n’t want [me]2813-john worked up ? Coming from [him]306-jesse , that ’s bloody hilarious . ‘ Now , let ’s all just calm down a little , shall [we]3629-we ? ’[1633-my father] [[My]2813-john dad]1633-my father says , all calm and softly , ever [the mediator]1640-the mediator . Not only does [he]306-jesse avoid affection , [he]306-jesse ’s not all that keen on confrontation , either . [I]2813-john notice [he]306-jesse gives [[my]2813-john mother]536-ava a sideway glace in warning , something rare from [[my]2813-john father]1633-my father and only delivered to [[his]306-jesse wife]536-ava when [he]306-jesse thinks it ’s absolutely necessary . It is definitely necessary right now because if [mum]536-ava does n’t rein it in , [Jesse]306-jesse will trample all over [her]1641-her , and it wo n’t be delicately either . [He]306-jesse has been unusually tolerant so far , but then again , [mum]536-ava has been pretty tolerant of [[my]2813-john challenging man]258-my challenging man , too . ‘ [Ava]536-ava , ’[536-ava] [Dad]2779-dad smiles at [me]2813-john across the table , keeping [his]2779-dad hand on [[his]2779-dad wife]536-ava ’s arm , a subtle message to shut the hell up . ‘ How do [you]536-ava feel about this ? ’[2779-dad] ‘ Fine , ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john answer quickly , feeling [Jesse]306-jesse squeeze [my]2813-john hand . [I]2813-john need to find a replacement for fine . ‘ Perfect . Could n’t be happier . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john return [[my]2813-john dad]2779-dad ’s smile . ‘ Well , then . [They]1643-they ’re[2779-dad] married , financially stable , ’ [He]2779-dad laughs . It ’s quite funny to say that [Jesse]306-jesse is financially stable . ‘[1643-they] And [they]1643-they ’re [bloody adults]3630-bloody adults , [Elizabeth]215-elizabeth . Get a grip . [You]1645-you ’re[1644-a granny] going to be [a granny]1644-a granny . ’ [I]1643-they ’m[1643-they] feeling pretty mortified . After what has just transpired , [you]1645-you would think [we]1646-we were [a pair of [teenagers]1456-teenagers]1647-a pair of teenagers . [I]2813-john smile apologetically at [Jesse]306-jesse , who shakes [his]306-jesse head in complete exasperation . ‘ [I]246-mum will not be [a granny]1644-a granny ! ’[246-mum] [Mum]246-mum chokes . ‘ [I]246-mum ’m[246-mum] forty seven years old . ’ [She]246-mum fluffs [her]246-mum hair . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john could be [a Nana]1649-a nana , though . ’ [She]246-mum muses thoughtfully . ‘[2813-john] [You]1649-a nana can be whatever [you]1649-a nana like , [Elizabeth]215-elizabeth . ’ [Jesse]306-jesse picks the menu back up , clearly fighting to leave it there . [I]215-elizabeth can tell [he]306-jesse ’s dying to trample further . ‘[215-elizabeth] And [you]1649-a nana should watch [your]1649-a nana language , [Jesse Ward]306-jesse ! ’ [She]246-mum reaches over the table and flicks the top of [his]306-jesse menu , but [he]306-jesse does n’t apologise . ‘[306-jesse] Wait ! ’ [she]246-mum shrieks . ‘[306-jesse] For what ? ’ [Dad]2779-dad asks . [Mum]246-mum ’s eyes are passing between [me]306-jesse and [Jesse]306-jesse , back and forth , again and again before finally resting on [Jesse]306-jesse , who has raised brows , waiting for [her]246-mum to advise [us]3631-us on what [we]3631-us ’re[306-jesse] waiting for . ‘ [You]1649-a nana said [babies]1527-two babies , plural . [You]1649-a nana said [[our]3631-us babies]1527-two babies . ’[306-jesse] ‘ [Twins]151-twins . ’[306-jesse] [Jesse]306-jesse smiles brightly , all irritation and trampling signs disappearing in a split second . [He]306-jesse rubs [my]2813-john tummy lightly . ‘ [Two babies]1527-two babies . [Two grandchildren]1527-two babies . ’[306-jesse] ‘ Well , [I]2779-dad ’ll be damned . ’[2779-dad] [Dad]2779-dad laughs . ‘ Now that really is very special . Congratulations ! ’[306-jesse] [His]306-jesse chest swells a little in pride , making [me]2813-john smile fondly . ‘ [Twins]151-twins ? ’[246-mum] [Mum]246-mum jumps in . ‘ Oh , [Ava]536-ava , [darling]536-ava ! [You]536-ava are going to be exhausted . What are … ’[246-mum] ‘ No , [she]246-mum wo n’t . ’[306-jesse] [Jesse]306-jesse cuts [her]246-mum off completely before [she]246-mum can dig [herself]246-mum any further into [his]306-jesse trampling pit . ‘ [She]246-mum ’s got [me]306-jesse . End of . ’[306-jesse] [Mum]246-mum sits back vigilantly and shuts [her]246-mum trap , and [I]2813-john melt on a little sigh . Yes , [I]2813-john have [him]2779-dad . ‘ And [you]1650-you have [us]1651-us , [darling]536-ava . ’[246-mum] [Mum]246-mum says quietly . ‘ [I]246-mum ’m[246-mum] so sorry . It ’s just a bit of a shock . ’ [She]246-mum leans over and puts [her]246-mum hand out . [I]1650-you take it . ‘[1650-you] [You]1650-you ’ll always have [us]1651-us . ’ [I]1652-i smile , but realise instantly that [I]1652-i wo n’t actually have [them]1651-us . [They]1651-us live miles away from [London]3-london , and with [[Jesse]306-jesse ’s family]3565-jesse ’s family well out of the picture , there will be no calling [the grandparents]3634-the grandparents to pop over and relieve [me]1652-i for an hour . There will be no popping in to see [[my]1652-i mum]246-mum for a cup of tea and a chat so [she]246-mum can see [[her]246-mum grandchildren]3635-her grandchildren . [I]1652-i feel [Jesse]306-jesse ’s hand tighten around [mine]1652-i , dragging [me]1652-i from [my]1652-i unexpected , unwelcome thoughts . [I]1652-i look at [him]306-jesse , and [he]306-jesse gazes straight into [my]1652-i eyes . ‘[1652-i] [You]1652-i have [me]2813-john . ’ [he]306-jesse affirms , as if [he]306-jesse ’s read [my]2813-john mind . [He]306-jesse probably has . [I]2813-john nod , trying to convince [myself]2813-john that [he]306-jesse is all [I]2813-john need , but with [two babies]1527-two babies to take care of and [Jesse]306-jesse at [The Manor]226-the manor , [I]2813-john can see loneliness looming — a place where adult interaction is limited because , let ’s face it , getting out and about with [two babies]1527-two babies is going to be tough and relying on visits from [friends]390-friends will be what [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] resorted to . ‘ Have [you]3639-you decided ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john look up , finding [a waitress armed with a pad and pen , ready to take [our]1654-our order]95-lusso . [She]95-lusso ’s smiling brightly , and [she]95-lusso ’s smiling brightly at [Jesse]306-jesse . ‘ [I]95-lusso ’ll have the steak , please . ’[95-lusso] [I]2813-john say , [my]2813-john hand slipping onto [his]306-jesse knee instinctively , indicating the beginning of [my]2813-john own little trampling session . [She]95-lusso makes no attempt to write anything down and does n’t ask how [I]2813-john ’d like it cooked . [She]95-lusso just hovers , all starry eyed and dreamy as [her]95-lusso greedy eyes run continuous trails up and down [my]2813-john God ’s seated frame . ‘ [I]2813-john ’ll have the steak . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john repeat , minus the please . ‘ Medium . ’[2813-john] ‘ Pardon ? ’[95-lusso] [She]95-lusso rips [her]95-lusso eyes away from [Jesse]306-jesse , who is hiding a small smirk as [he]306-jesse pretends to read the menu . ‘ The steak . Medium . Would [you]3640-you like [me]2813-john to write it down for [you]3640-you ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ask tightly . [I]2813-john hear [Jesse]306-jesse chuckle . ‘ Oh , of course . ’[95-lusso] [Her]95-lusso pen hand kicks into action . ‘ And for [you]3640-you ? ’[95-lusso] [she]95-lusso asks , looking at [[my]2813-john parents]2767-my parents . ‘ [Mussels]161-mussels for [me]2779-dad . ’[2779-dad] [Dad]2779-dad grunts . ‘ And the seafood platter for [me]246-mum . ’[246-mum] [Mum]246-mum sings . ‘ And [I]95-lusso ’ll have another wine . ’[95-lusso] [She]95-lusso raises [her]95-lusso glass . [The waitress]1656-the waitress scribbles it all down before turning back towards [Jesse]306-jesse . [She]95-lusso ’s smiling again . ‘ And for [you]95-lusso , [sir]95-lusso ? ’[95-lusso] ‘ What would [you]95-lusso recommend ? ’[1656-the waitress] [He]1656-the waitress blows [her]95-lusso back a few metres with [his]1656-the waitress smile , reserved only for [women]253-women . [I]2813-john roll [my]2813-john eyes as [I]2813-john watch [her]95-lusso pull at [her]95-lusso ponytail and blush profusely . ‘ The lamb is good . ’[95-lusso] ‘ [He]95-lusso ’ll have the same as [me]2813-john . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john collect up the menus and shove them at [her]95-lusso , smiling sweetly . ‘ Medium . ’[2813-john] ‘ Oh ? ’[95-lusso] [She]95-lusso looks at [Jesse]306-jesse for confirmation . ‘ [The wife]95-lusso has spoken . ’[95-lusso] [He]95-lusso leans in and drapes [his]95-lusso arm over [my]2813-john shoulder , but keeps [his]95-lusso eyes on [the waitress]1656-the waitress . ‘ [I]95-lusso do as [I]95-lusso ’m[95-lusso] told , so it looks like [I]2813-john ’m having the steak . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john scoff , [mum]246-mum and [dad]264-matt laugh , and [the waitress]1656-the waitress swoons all over [her]1656-the waitress pad , almost certainly wishing that [she]1656-the waitress had [a God who did what [he]1661-a god who did what he ’s told ’s told]1661-a god who did what he ’s told . What a joke . [She]1656-the waitress backs away , slipping [her]1656-the waitress pen and pad into the front pocket of [her]1656-the waitress apron . ‘ [You]1662-you ’re[1656-the waitress] impossible . ’ [I]1656-the waitress say quietly , as [[my]1656-the waitress parents]2767-my parents chuckle and look across the table fondly at [Jesse]306-jesse making a meal of eating [my]1656-the waitress neck . ‘[1656-the waitress] And since when do [you]1662-you do what [you]1662-you ’re told ? ’[1662-you] ‘ [Ava]536-ava , that was really quite rude . ’[246-mum] [Mum]246-mum chastises [me]2813-john . ‘ [Jesse]306-jesse can make [his]306-jesse own meal choices . ’[246-mum] ‘ It ’s okay , [Elizabeth]215-elizabeth . ’[1661-a god who did what he ’s told] [He]1661-a god who did what he ’s told sucks on [my]2813-john neck a bit more . ‘ [She]1661-a god who did what he ’s told knows what [I]1661-a god who did what he ’s told like . ’[1661-a god who did what he ’s told] ‘ [You]215-elizabeth like to be impossible . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john quip , rubbing the side of face into [his]1661-a god who did what he ’s told stubble . ‘ [I]1661-a god who did what he ’s told love watching [you]215-elizabeth in trampling action . ’[1661-a god who did what he ’s told] [he]1661-a god who did what he ’s told whispers in [my]2813-john ear . ‘ [I]2813-john could bend [you]215-elizabeth over this table and fuck [you]215-elizabeth really hard . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john do n’t gasp or recoil at [his]1661-a god who did what he ’s told crass words , spoken with no concern for the company [we]1663-we ’re sharing . [They]1663-we were definitely for [my]1663-we ears only . [I]1663-we turn into [him]1661-a god who did what he ’s told , pushing [my]1663-we mouth to [his]1661-a god who did what he ’s told ear . ‘[1663-we] Stop saying the word fuck , unless [you]1664-you ’re going to fuck [me]1664-you . ’[1664-you] ‘ Watch [your]1664-you mouth . ’[1664-you] ‘ No . ’[1661-a god who did what he ’s told] [He]1661-a god who did what he ’s told laughs and bites [my]2813-john neck . ‘ Cheeky . ’[1661-a god who did what he ’s told] ‘ Let ’s raise a toast ! ’[2779-dad] [Dad]2779-dad ’s cheerful tone pulls [us]1663-we out of [our]1663-we private moment . ‘ To [twins]3535-twins ! ’[2779-dad] ‘ To [twins]3535-twins ! ’[246-mum] [Mum]246-mum chants , and [we]1663-we all clink [our]1663-we glasses in acknowledgment to the fact that [I]2813-john ’m going to get really fat . * * * [I]2813-john enjoy [my]2813-john steak , but [I]2813-john ca n’t help staring longingly across the table as [[my]2813-john mum]246-mum and [dad]2779-dad plough [their]3535-twins way through a delicious selection of seafood . After [Jesse]306-jesse pays the bill , [we]1663-we take a slow wander back to [[[my]2813-john parent]2981-my parent ’s house]3644-my parent ’s house , [mum]246-mum pointing out all of sites to [Jesse]306-jesse as [we]1663-we walk and chat . When [we]1663-we get [home]2904-home , [dad]2779-dad takes [his]2779-dad usual seat in the window , armed with [his]2779-dad remote control , and [mum]246-mum puts the kettle on . ‘[2813-john] Bedtime tea ? ’ [she]246-mum asks . [Jesse]306-jesse looks across [the kitchen]3044-the kitchen to [me]2813-john , clocking [me]2813-john yawning . ‘[2813-john] No , [I]2813-john ’m taking [Ava]536-ava to bed . Come on , [lady]536-ava . ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john walks over and rests [his]2813-john hands on [my]2813-john shoulders , then proceeds to direct [me]2813-john out of [the kitchen]3044-the kitchen . [I]2813-john make no objection , whatsoever . ‘ Say goodnight to [[your]2813-john mother]536-ava . ’[2813-john] ‘ Goodnight , [Mother]381-mother . ’[1666-she] ‘ Yes , [you]2813-john get to bed . [You]2813-john have an early start . ’[1666-she] [she]1666-she says , flicking the kettle on . ‘ Say goodnight to [[your]2813-john father]2787-your father . ’[306-jesse] [Jesse]306-jesse instructs as [we]1667-we pass [the lounge]3045-the lounge . ‘ Goodnight , [Dad]2779-dad . ’[306-jesse] ‘ Goodnight , [you]2779-dad two . ’[2779-dad] [Dad]2779-dad does n’t even crane [his]2779-dad neck around from the television . [I]2813-john ’m pushed up [the stairs]648-the hallway and guided down [the hallway]648-the hallway until [we]1667-we reach [the guest room]648-the hallway , where [he]2779-dad begins to strip [me]2813-john down . ‘[2813-john] That was nice . ’ [I]2813-john muse as [my]2813-john dress is pulled up over [my]2813-john head . ‘[2813-john] It was , but [[your]1669-his mum]287-your mum is still a pain in the arse . ’ [Jesse]306-jesse replies dryly . ‘[287-your mum] Give [me]2813-john [your]1669-his wrist . ’ [I]287-your mum hold [my]287-your mum hand up to [him]1669-his and watch whilst [he]1669-his removes [my]287-your mum Rolex and slides it onto the bedside table . ‘[287-your mum] [You]1669-his trampled [her]287-your mum again . ’ [I]1669-his ’m[1669-his] smiling . Reaching up to [my]2813-john neck , [he]1669-his starts unknotting [my]2813-john cream lace scarf . ‘ [She]287-your mum ’ll learn eventually . ’[1669-his] [My]2813-john scarf is removed , revealing [my]2813-john diamond . [He]1669-his smiles , straightening it out . ‘ Are [you]1669-his looking forward to a few days of constant contact ? ’[1669-his] ‘ [I]2813-john ca n’t wait . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john answer without a second hesitation , reaching up to unbutton [his]1669-his shirt . [I]2813-john really ca n’t . This evening has been lovely , but [I]2813-john ’ll be well and truly on [Central Jesse Cloud Nine]306-jesse with no one else around . Pushing [his]1669-his shirt from [his]1669-his shoulders , [I]2813-john sigh . ‘ [You]1669-his ’re[2813-john] just too perfect . ’ [I]2813-john lean in and kiss [his]1669-his chest , leaving [my]2813-john lips lingering . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john know . ’ [He]1669-his agrees , with no humour or sarcasm . [He]1669-his really does know , the arrogant arse . [I]2813-john drop [his]1669-his shirt and start working the button fly of [his]1669-his jeans before sliding [my]2813-john hands into the back and working them over the solidness of [his]1669-his arse . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john love this . ’ [I]2813-john dig [my]2813-john nails in as [I]2813-john pass . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john know . ’ [he]2813-john concurs again , making [me]2813-john smile . When [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] down to [his]2813-john thighs , [I]2813-john slip [my]2813-john hand around the front and grasp [him]2813-john loosely . [He]2813-john ’s solid , as [I]2813-john knew [he]2813-john would be . ‘ And [you]1671-you know how much [I]2813-john love this . ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john sucks in a hiss of breath through [his]2813-john teeth and pulls [his]2813-john groin away , but [I]2813-john maintain [my]2813-john hold . ‘ [Ava]536-ava , [baby]536-ava , there is no way in hell [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] taking [you]1671-you under [[your]1671-you mother]60-sarah ’s roof . ’ ‘[2813-john] Why ? ’ [I]2813-john pout . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john can be quiet . ’ [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] drifting into temptress mode . [He]2813-john looks at [me]2813-john doubtfully , and so [he]2813-john should . [I]2813-john ca n’t guarantee that at all . ‘ [I]2813-john do n’t think [you]1671-you can . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john lower to [my]2813-john knees and unlace [his]2813-john shoes , and [he]2813-john lifts each in turn for [me]2813-john to remove them , along with [his]2813-john socks . Taking the waist of [his]2813-john jeans , [I]2813-john slowly pull them down [his]2813-john legs . ‘ [I]2813-john think [you]1671-you ’ll be surprised by what [I]2813-john can do . Lift . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john tap [his]2813-john ankle . ‘ [You]1671-you mean [I]2813-john ’ll be surprised by what [I]2813-john can make [you]1671-you do . ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john lifts in turn , so [I]2813-john can remove [his]2813-john jeans and boxers . ‘ And [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] never surprised . [I]2813-john have that effect on [you]1673-you . ’ Of course , [he]2813-john ’s cocky , but one hundred per cent right , not that [I]2813-john ’ll tell [him]2813-john . [I]2813-john do n’t need to . It goes without saying . Instead of stroking [his]2813-john overinflated ego , [I]2813-john stoop down and kiss the top of [his]2813-john foot before moving [my]2813-john lips to [his]2813-john ankle , circling [my]2813-john tongue and kissing [my]2813-john way up [his]2813-john legs . [I]2813-john take [my]2813-john time , flattening [my]2813-john palms on the fronts of [his]2813-john thighs , just feeling [him]2813-john as [my]2813-john lips skim every naked inch of [his]2813-john flesh , but [I]2813-john soon find [myself]2813-john at [his]2813-john neck , despite [my]2813-john determination to drag out the whole episode . [I]2813-john inhale [his]2813-john scent and lift up on [my]2813-john tiptoes to reach [his]2813-john chin , which is higher than usual because [he]2813-john ’s looking up at the ceiling . [I]2813-john ca n’t reach . ‘[2813-john] What ’s the matter ? ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m trying to control [myself]2813-john . ’[2813-john] [His]2813-john voice is all gravelly . ‘ [I]2813-john do n’t want [you]2813-john to . ’[2813-john] ‘ Do n’t say that , [Ava]536-ava . ’[2813-john] [he]2813-john warns . ‘ [I]2813-john do n’t want [you]2813-john to . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john repeat , all low and throaty , biting at [his]2813-john neck . [He]2813-john moves fast . [His]2813-john arm snakes around [my]2813-john waist , and [I]2813-john ’m pushed up against the nearest wall on a growl . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] ecstatic and trying to play it cool , but [my]2813-john lips are parted , and [I]2813-john ’m breathing shocked gasps . ‘[1674-my] [You]1674-my seem to be making some noise , ’ [he]2813-john observes quietly , holding one side of [my]1674-my face and pushing [his]2813-john mouth to [my]1674-my ear . [I]1674-my close [my]1674-my lips , clench [my]1674-my eyes shut and rest [my]1674-my head against the wall . [I]1674-my need to focus because [he]2813-john ’s going to make this hard for [me]1674-my , even if [he]2813-john does n’t give it to [me]1674-my hard . ‘[1674-my] Now , listen very carefully . ’ [He]2813-john unhooks [my]1674-my bra while keeping a hand on [my]1674-my cheek and [his]2813-john mouth at [my]1674-my ear . ‘[1674-my] [[Your]1674-my parents]502-your parents seem to like [me]2813-john . Do n’t fuck it up . ’ Oh good Lord , [my]1674-my confidence is diminishing fast . Why did n’t [he]2813-john book [a hotel]710-a hotel , damn it . [I]1674-my bite painfully down on [my]1674-my lip , determined to keep quiet , as [my]1674-my lace bra is pulled away from [my]1674-my body and dropped to the floor before [he]2813-john leans down , taking [my]1674-my nipple in [his]2813-john mouth and sucking [my]1674-my nub gently until it ’s tingling and stiff . [I]1674-my hit [my]1674-my head against the wall , [my]1674-my face distorting as [I]1674-my try urgently to withhold a moan of pleasure . [I]1674-my fail . ‘[1674-my] Ohhhh God , ’ [I]1674-my groan , banging [my]1674-my head against the wall again . ‘[1674-my] Oh dear . ’ [He]2813-john ’s at [my]1674-my lips immediately . ‘[1674-my] [You]1676-i just ca n’t control it , can [you]1676-i ? ’ [I]1676-i shake [my]1676-i head , unashamedly agreeing with [him]2813-john . ‘[1676-i] No , ’ ‘[1676-i] Which just confirms what [we]1677-we both know , does n’t it ? ’ [He]2813-john rolls [his]2813-john naked hips upwards , forcing [me]1676-i onto [my]1676-i tiptoes to try and escape the rub that will have [me]1676-i losing further control . [I]1676-i fail again . ‘[1676-i] Yes , ’ [I]1676-i pant , uncontrolled and grappling at [his]2813-john naked shoulders . ‘[1676-i] And what is that , [Ava]536-ava ? ’ [He]2813-john bites [my]536-ava lip and keeps hold while [he]2813-john waits for [me]536-ava to give the answer — the answer [we]1678-we both know . ‘[536-ava] [You]1676-i have the power . ’ [I]2813-john confirm quietly . [His]2813-john eyes sparkle in approval , and [I]2813-john reach down to stroke [him]2813-john , but [he]2813-john pulls away from [me]2813-john on a mild head shake . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john thought [we]1678-we just clarified who has the power . ’ [My]2813-john hand is pushed away . ‘[2813-john] And [I]2813-john need to safeguard [my]2813-john current favourable standing with [[your]1676-i parents]502-your parents , so [you]1676-i ’ll keep quiet . ’ [He]2813-john ’s staring at [me]1676-i , obviously waiting for confirmation that [I]1676-i understand . [I]1676-i do , but [I]1676-i absolutely can not guarantee [my]1676-i silence . ‘[1676-i] Can [you]1676-i be quiet , [Ava]536-ava ? ’ [I]536-ava lie . ‘[536-ava] Yes . ’ [I]536-ava ’ve been ambushed by [him]536-ava and [his]536-ava potency , and [I]536-ava ’m[536-ava] not saying no if it means [he]536-ava ’ll tuck [me]2813-john up in bed for a snuggle . [Pregnancy]132-pregnancy is doing serious things to [me]2813-john . [I]2813-john ’m more desperate than ever , if that ’s at all possible . [His]2813-john eyes blink lazily , an almost undetectable smile flashing across [his]2813-john face . [He]2813-john reaches up and pulls [my]2813-john hand away from [my]2813-john hair . ‘[2813-john] It looks like [we]1680-we have a problem . ’ [he]2813-john whispers . ‘[2813-john] Do n’t move . ’ [He]2813-john backs away , and [I]536-ava want to yell at [him]2813-john , but then [he]2813-john picks something up and [I]536-ava ’m[536-ava] distracted as [he]536-ava slowly comes towards [me]2813-john again , concealing whatever [he]536-ava ’s holding behind [his]536-ava back . [I]2813-john ’m fidgeting , squirming and thinking real hard about what the hell [he]536-ava ’s hiding , but [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] not left suffering for too long . [He]536-ava brings [his]536-ava hands around to the front of [him]536-ava and holds up [my]2813-john lace scarf , then wraps it around [his]536-ava fists and pulls it taut . [My]2813-john teeth clench , as do [my]2813-john thighs . In fact , every single muscle [I]2813-john have has tightened considerably at the prospects of what that scarf presents , and [I]2813-john know it ’s not going to be used to blindfold [me]2813-john . ‘ [I]536-ava think [we]3649-we ’ll call this one the quiet fuck . ’[536-ava] [He]536-ava brings the scarf to [my]2813-john mouth and slips it between [my]2813-john lips . ‘ Keep [your]2813-john tongue relaxed . ’[536-ava] [he]536-ava instructs softly , taking it around the back of [my]2813-john head and tying it firmly but not tightly . ‘ If [you]2813-john feel the need to scream , bite down . Understand ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john nod , [my]2813-john eyes following [him]536-ava as [he]536-ava leans down and removes [my]2813-john knickers . It really does n’t matter that [I]2813-john ca n’t talk because [my]2813-john mind has gone blank . [I]2813-john can think of nothing to say , [my]2813-john only thoughts being of anticipation . And maybe there ’s a little bit of [me]2813-john wondering whether [he]536-ava ’s gagged [anyone else]3314-anyone else before . Possibly . Highly likely . It ’s unwelcome , but [my]2813-john docile state is preventing [me]2813-john from chasing the thought — that and the hot tongue running up the inside of [my]2813-john leg . [I]2813-john do n’t want to scream , but [I]2813-john bite down on the scarf anyway , [my]2813-john eyes closing , [my]2813-john drumming heart beating an even pulse in [my]2813-john chest . [I]2813-john feel surprisingly calm . [He]536-ava makes a point of breathing heavily in [my]2813-john ear as [he]536-ava laces [his]536-ava fingers through [mine]2813-john and pushes [my]2813-john hands up to the wall behind [me]2813-john before kissing down the sensitive flesh of [my]2813-john inside arm , softly and painfully slow . [I]2813-john quickly fear that the only screaming [I]2813-john ’ll be doing will be in impatience . [He]536-ava ’s going to take [his]536-ava time with [me]2813-john . ‘ [I]536-ava think [we]1682-we ’ll do this lying down . ’[536-ava] [His]536-ava low , sure voice has [me]2813-john praying for control as [he]536-ava brings [our]1682-we hands down , fingers still laced , and then starts walking backwards , encouraging [me]2813-john to step with [him]536-ava . Not that [I]2813-john need any encouragement . [I]2813-john ’ll follow [this man]536-ava wherever [he]536-ava goes , whether it ’s to a bed or to the end of [the earth]1683-the earth . [He]536-ava bends and takes a hold of [me]2813-john before straightening [his]536-ava legs and kneeling onto the small , double bed and crawling up , resting [me]2813-john down gently . The tip of [my]2813-john nose is kissed , [my]2813-john hair smoothed from [my]2813-john face , and then [I]2813-john ’m turned onto [my]2813-john side slightly , [my]2813-john leg lifted and bent so [he]536-ava can straddle the one still flush with the bed . [He]536-ava edges forward , holding [himself]536-ava with one hand and keeping [my]2813-john leg up with the other , watching what [he]536-ava ’s doing , getting closer until [he]536-ava skims [my]2813-john opening . If [I]2813-john could , [I]2813-john ’d yelp , but [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] resorted to reaching behind [me]2813-john to grab the headboard . [My]2813-john back bows , even though [he]536-ava ’s just holding [himself]536-ava there . It ’s torturous . ‘ [Ava]536-ava , ’[536-ava] [He]536-ava kisses [my]2813-john foot , ‘ Nothing can beat this . ’[536-ava] [He]536-ava sinks slowly into [me]2813-john , [his]536-ava head falling back , and [I]2813-john have to look . [I]2813-john overcome the overwhelming need to close [my]2813-john eyes in utter bliss , just so [I]2813-john can watch [his]536-ava face . [His]536-ava jaw tenses , [his]536-ava grip of [my]2813-john ankle increases , [his]536-ava now free hand rests on [my]2813-john waist and [his]536-ava torso sharpens , the lines of every muscle defined and protruding . [I]2813-john so want to feel [him]536-ava there , but [I]2813-john ’m immobilised by pleasure , rendering [me]2813-john incapable of moving . [He]536-ava ’s right . Nothing can or ever will beat this . It ’s agonisingly good , and [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] transfixed on [him]536-ava , completely captivated by [him]536-ava . So incredibly in love with [him]536-ava . ‘ Do [you]536-ava like what [you]536-ava see ? ’[536-ava] [he]536-ava asks as [he]536-ava withdraws slowly . [I]2813-john ’m so fixated on the movement of [his]536-ava muscles , [I]2813-john ’ve not noticed [his]536-ava head has now dropped and [he]536-ava ’s studying [me]2813-john . [He]536-ava gags [me]2813-john , inflicts this pleasure on [me]2813-john , and then expects the impossible . [He]536-ava wants [me]2813-john to reply ? [I]2813-john should n’t need to , [he]536-ava knows the answer very well , but [I]2813-john nod anyway . [He]536-ava does n’t smile or show any approval of [my]2813-john answer . [He]536-ava just gradually works [his]536-ava way deep inside of [me]2813-john , as if rewarding [me]2813-john for [my]2813-john silent response . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john like what [I]2813-john see , too . ’ [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] blessed with a precise grinding of [his]2813-john hips . [I]2813-john might not be able to cry out in pleasure , but [I]2813-john can moan . So [I]2813-john do . Pulling out slowly , [he]2813-john plunges straight back in . [He]2813-john ’s starting to work up a steady rhythm . It remains controlled , it remains exact and it remains profoundly powerful , but without the force [I]2813-john know [he]2813-john ’s capable of . [He]2813-john ’s determined to make [his]2813-john point — the point of unnecessary hardness , the hardness that [I]2813-john think [I]2813-john need , and the point that [I]2813-john ’m not sure would need to be raised if [I]2813-john was n’t pregnant . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] being thoroughly indulged . [I]2813-john ’m being doted upon . [I]2813-john can live with this for the next few months . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] moaning again as [he]2813-john grinds , and when [I]2813-john feel [his]2813-john teeth graze [my]2813-john ankle , [my]2813-john head flies back and [I]2813-john ’m unexpectedly overcome with heated tingles , stabbing all over [my]1684-my skin , but more intensely between [my]1684-my thighs . ‘[1684-my] [She]1684-my ’s losing control . ’ [he]2813-john gasps quietly , lifting up higher on [his]2813-john knees , taking [my]1684-my lower body with [him]2813-john . [I]1684-my start shaking [my]1684-my head , tightening [my]1684-my grip of the headboard and twisting [my]1684-my body to try and get onto [my]1684-my back . [I]1684-my ’m[1684-my] attempting in vain . [I]2813-john could never overpower [him]2813-john . [He]2813-john has a firm hold on [my]2813-john hip , keeping [me]2813-john where [he]2813-john wants [me]2813-john . ‘ Do n’t fight [me]2813-john , [Ava]536-ava . ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john strikes firmly but carefully It ’s nowhere near the power that [I]2813-john know [he]2813-john ’s capable of . But it ’s still good . [I]2813-john do n’t need it . [I]2813-john crave it . Big difference , but [my]2813-john insatiable want has been fed good and proper , and now it ’s expected . In [he]2813-john goes again , definitely and on a supressed hiss . [I]2813-john try to flip [myself]2813-john over again , but it ’s useless . [I]2813-john ’ll never win , only knacker [myself]2813-john out , and [I]2813-john want to store [my]2813-john energy for the building release that ’s brewing . [I]2813-john bite down on the scarf and let out a muffled yell . ‘ Am [I]2813-john making [you]2813-john crazy , [baby]2813-john ? ’[2813-john] [he]2813-john asks , the tinge of smugness clear as [he]2813-john reverts back to a smooth , even pace . [I]2813-john do n’t look at [him]2813-john . [I]2813-john close [my]2813-john eyes and turn [my]2813-john attention to catching the booming beat at [my]2813-john core before [he]2813-john tells [me]2813-john to control it . [He]2813-john ’s ruling [me]2813-john , and even though it ’s slow and almost effortless , it ’s still very deep and it ’s still very pleasurable , and [I]2813-john ’m still going to erupt . ‘[1685-you] [You]1685-you ’re doing well , [Ava]536-ava . ’[2813-john] In [he]2813-john sinks , around [he]2813-john grinds , out [he]2813-john comes . ‘ [My]2813-john temptress is getting stronger . ’[2813-john] Back in , back around , back out . [I]2813-john whimper , flexing [my]2813-john hands on the headboard . The flowing of [his]2813-john body into [mine]2813-john is inconceivably good . So good . Holy shit ! [I]2813-john try to shout [his]2813-john name , but all [I]2813-john achieve is a stifled , inaudible howl . ‘ [Ava]536-ava ! ’[2813-john] [he]2813-john whispers loudly . ‘ Shut the fuck up ! ’[2813-john] With that harsh demand comes a less controlled buck of [his]2813-john hips . It just pushes another yell from [me]2813-john , but it ’s no more decipherable . That cusp of pleasure is teasing [me]2813-john as [he]2813-john turns [his]2813-john mouth into [my]2813-john leg and bites down , and then reaches down to circle [his]2813-john thumb over [my]2813-john clitoris . That does it . [I]2813-john gulp , [my]2813-john body being yanked into a rigid arch as every muscle starts to spasm , and [I]2813-john bite down on the lace scarf . If [I]2813-john could talk , [I]2813-john would be firing fucks off all over [the place]2776-the place , so it is undoubtedly a good job that [I]2813-john ca n’t . [I]2813-john ’m shaking , moaning and [Jesse]306-jesse is still plunging into [me]2813-john , still solid and still biting on [my]2813-john ankle . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] riding out the pleasure , but it ’s just going on and on and on . [I]2813-john ’m immensely grateful when [my]2813-john leg is released and [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] allowed to roll onto [my]2813-john back . [I]2813-john ’m wrecked , and still relentlessly contracting around [Jesse]306-jesse as [he]306-jesse keeps [himself]306-jesse buried deep and arranges [my]2813-john legs so [he]306-jesse can settle between [my]2813-john thighs . ‘[2813-john] Good ? ’ [he]306-jesse asks , [his]306-jesse brows raised confidently as [he]306-jesse looks down at [me]1687-i . [I]1687-i nod , [my]1687-i eyes closing , no matter how desperate [I]1687-i am to keep them on [his]306-jesse damp , handsome face . [I]1687-i also want to feel [his]306-jesse hair out and give it a little yank , but [my]1687-i arms are welded to the headboard . ‘[1687-i] [You]1687-i ’ll never know how much satisfaction [I]2813-john get from watching [you]1687-i fall apart under [my]2813-john touch . ’ [he]306-jesse whispers , and [I]1688-i flick [my]1688-i eyes open briefly , seeing [him]306-jesse raising [his]306-jesse torso so [he]306-jesse ’s braced on two muscle swelling arms . [He]306-jesse does n’t make any attempt to get any friction , instead seeming quietly content to just hover above [me]1688-i . After a few moments have passed and [he]306-jesse ’s unmoved but still twitching within [me]1688-i , [I]1688-i force [my]1688-i eyes open properly . [He]306-jesse gazing down at [me]1688-i , waiting for [my]1688-i eyes . ‘[1688-i] [She]1688-i ’s back . ’ Yes , only just and [she]1688-i ’s still pulsating around [his]1689-his throbbing cock . [I]1688-i attempt to say something , [my]1688-i exhausted mind having forgotten that [I]1688-i ’m[1688-i] gagged , but as soon as [I]2813-john realise [my]2813-john limitation , [I]2813-john convince [my]2813-john arms to lift and sandwich [his]1689-his face between [my]2813-john palms . [His]1689-his stubble is nearly two days ’ worth . [I]1689-his love it . [He]1689-his turns [his]1689-his head and kisses [my]1689-his palm before lowering [himself]1689-his onto [his]1689-his elbows and tucking [his]1689-his fingers under the scarf , pulling in down over [my]1689-his chin so it rests on [my]1689-his neck . [I]1689-his can talk , but funnily enough , [I]1689-his do n’t want to say anything now . [I]1689-his ’m[1689-his] holding [Jesse]306-jesse ’s face , soaking up the happiness oozing from [his]1689-his beautiful greens , and [I]2813-john ’m happy to do just that . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john want to kiss [you]2813-john . ’ [he]1689-his declares , but while [his]1689-his little proclamation is sweet , it ’s also light - years away from the usual kiss [me]2813-john demand . That is probably why [my]2813-john brow is completely furrowed and [Jesse]306-jesse ’s eyes are sparkling in amusement . ‘[2813-john] [You]2813-john do ? ’ ‘[2813-john] Hmm , ’ [He]1689-his drags [his]1689-his thumb across [my]2813-john bottom lip and watches intently . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john really do . ’ ‘[2813-john] [You]2813-john can kiss [me]2813-john . ’ Being gagged has dried [my]2813-john throat out , making [my]2813-john voice rough and low . [His]1689-his thumb reaches the corner of [my]2813-john mouth , and then sets off again , back across [my]2813-john lips . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m not asking permission , ’[2813-john] [His]2813-john eyes close and re - open , landing directly on [mine]2813-john . ‘ [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] just thinking out loud . ’ ‘[2813-john] Why do n’t [you]2813-john stop thinking and do . ’ [I]2813-john raise [my]2813-john hips , signalling that kissing [me]2813-john is not the only thing [I]2813-john ’d like [him]2813-john to do . [Jesse]306-jesse working [himself]2813-john up is really going to work [me]2813-john down . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] still buzzing , [his]2813-john arousal still held snuggly inside of [me]2813-john . ‘ Are [you]2813-john demanding , [Mrs Ward]72-mrs ward ? ’[2813-john] ‘ Are [you]2813-john denying , [Mr Ward]306-jesse ? ’[2813-john] ‘ No , but [you]2813-john do … ’[2813-john] ‘ [I]2813-john know who has the power . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john interrupt , and [he]2813-john gives [me]2813-john that roguish grin as [he]2813-john slowly dips , [his]2813-john lips finding [mine]2813-john , and takes what [I]2813-john ’m so willing to give . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’ve never tasted anything so good . ’ [His]2813-john hips swivel , sweeping through [my]2813-john remnants of pleasure . ‘[2813-john] Not even an Ava éclair ? ’ [I]2813-john ask around [his]2813-john lush , wet mouth . ‘[2813-john] Not even an Ava éclair . ’ [he]2813-john confirms , nibbling [his]2813-john way up to [my]2813-john ear . ‘[2813-john] Not even peanut butter . ’ [he]2813-john murmurs , reaching down and hooking [his]2813-john arm under [my]2813-john knee . [He]2813-john pulls [my]2813-john bent leg upwards and plants [his]2813-john fist in the mattress so [my]2813-john leg is draped over [his]2813-john arm . ‘[2813-john] Just pure , ’ [he]2813-john sucks [my]2813-john earlobe . ‘[2813-john] Raw , ’ [he]2813-john bites down . ‘[2813-john] naked , ’ and then drags it teasingly through [his]2813-john teeth . [I]536-ava shudder as [he]2813-john skims across [my]536-ava cheek and plunges [his]2813-john tongue into [my]536-ava mouth . ‘[536-ava] [Ava]536-ava . ’ [he]2813-john finishes on a whisper . ‘[536-ava] Pure , raw , naked , [Ava]536-ava . And [I]2813-john ’ve got [her]1690-her for three whole days … all … . to … [myself]2813-john . ’ [I]2813-john smile around [his]2813-john lips and find [his]2813-john hair , unable to resist a playful yank as [he]2813-john moans and pleasures [me]2813-john with those damn delectable , wonderfully talented hips . Deep grinds . [Firm]165-firm dives . Easy retreats . [I]2813-john sigh , and [he]2813-john rumbles , low in [his]2813-john throat , but [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] not interested in coming again . [I]2813-john could , but [I]2813-john do n’t want to . [I]2813-john want to concentrate on [him]536-ava , so [I]2813-john meet [his]536-ava rotations with [my]2813-john own , ensuring optimum contact and pleasure , just for [him]536-ava . When [I]2813-john feel the rolling waves of [his]536-ava muscles tensing around [my]2813-john body , [I]2813-john know that [he]536-ava ’s tipping the edge , so [I]2813-john harden [my]2813-john kiss , yank at [his]536-ava hair a little more and moan . [He]536-ava ’s blazing , and when [he]536-ava pulls away on a gasp , [I]2813-john know [he]536-ava wants [my]2813-john eyes . [My]2813-john hands move straight to [his]536-ava neck . The feeling of [his]536-ava throbbing neck vain is matching [his]536-ava laboured breaths . [Our]1691-our eyes lock , [his]536-ava full of hunger , [mine]2813-john full of surrender . ‘ [My]536-ava heart ’s bucking wildly . ’[536-ava] [he]536-ava murmurs , pushing into [me]2813-john one last , deep , steady time and just holding [himself]536-ava there as [he]536-ava inhales severely and begins to shake . ‘ Fuck , that feels good . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m not joining [him]536-ava in [his]536-ava climax , but it does n’t stop [me]2813-john from whimpering shallowly and sucking in [my]2813-john own sharp breath , [my]2813-john thighs finding [his]536-ava waist and [my]2813-john arms moving to [his]536-ava shoulders to pull [him]536-ava down . [I]2813-john kiss [him]536-ava deeply , invading [his]536-ava mouth forcefully , helping [him]536-ava through the twitching and jerking of [his]536-ava body . ‘[2813-john] Good ? ’ [I]2813-john ask around [his]536-ava mouth . [He]536-ava keeps [our]3650-our kiss up and bites [my]2813-john tongue lightly . ‘[2813-john] Do n’t ask stupid fucking questions . ’ [he]536-ava warns seriously , rolling onto [his]536-ava back and lifting [his]536-ava arm for [me]2813-john to find [my]2813-john happy place . [My]2813-john fingertips find [his]536-ava scar and start [their]3651-their usual trailing from side to side as [he]536-ava pulls [me]2813-john in snuggly and breathes into [my]2813-john hair . ‘[2813-john] Okay ? ’ ‘[2813-john] Do n’t ask stupid fucking questions . ’ [I]536-ava grin into the side of [his]536-ava chest . ‘[536-ava] [Ava]536-ava , one day [I]2813-john ’m going to shove a bar of soap in [your]536-ava mouth . ’[536-ava] [He]536-ava probably would . ‘ What time are [we]1692-we leaving ? ’[2813-john] ‘ Seven - ish . [We]1692-we ’re[2813-john] flying at noon from [Heathrow]33-heathrow . ’ ‘[33-heathrow] [Heathrow]33-heathrow ? [We]1692-we ’ve got to drive all the way back to [London]3-london ? ’ Is [he]536-ava kidding [me]1692-we ? ‘[1692-we] Yes . It was the only place where [I]2813-john could get a flight from at such short notice . ’ [I]1693-you sulk into [his]536-ava chest , but that tone was final and what would be the point of complaining further , anyway ? It ’s not like it ’ll get [me]1693-you anywhere and not just because of the short notice and lack of availability . ‘[1693-you] [You]1693-you could ’ve got something from [Bristol]34-bristol , at least . ’ [I]1693-you just ca n’t help [myself]1693-you . ‘[1693-you] Shut up . Let ’s talk about [our]1692-we plans for the weekend . ’ ‘[1693-you] Have [you]1693-you made plans ? ’ [I]1693-you ask . ‘[1693-you] Yes , it involves lots of lace and even more naked flesh . ’ [he]536-ava kisses [my]1693-you head , and [I]1693-you ’m[1693-you] immediately distracted from [my]2813-john mood . Just [me]2813-john , [Jesse]306-jesse and lots of naked flesh , after lots of lace has been removed … slowly . [I]2813-john smile , snuggle deeper and let [my]2813-john sleepy mind wander to all things [Jesse]306-jesse - ish . Chapter 23 ‘ Have [you]1693-you got everything ? ’[246-mum] [Mum]246-mum ’s still in [her]246-mum dressing gown as [she]246-mum faffs all over [the driveway]3261-the driveway . ‘ Yes , ’[246-mum] [I]2813-john sigh with optimum exasperation , for the tenth time . ‘ Oh , it was brief , but [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] so happy [you]1693-you came to see [us]1692-we . ’ [She]246-mum clasps [my]1693-you cheeks and kisses [me]1693-you . [I]1693-you should n’t be getting the credit for this . If it was n’t for [Jesse]306-jesse , who knows how long [I]1693-you would ’ve put this trip off . ‘[1693-you] [You]1693-you must take care . ’ [I]1693-you roll [my]1693-you eyes , but hug [her]79-irene . ‘[1693-you] It was so good to see [you]1693-you . ’ ‘[1693-you] Are [you]1693-you insinuating that [I]2813-john ca n’t look after [[my]2813-john wife]79-irene ? ’ [Jesse]306-jesse asks seriously as [he]306-jesse shuts the boot of [the car]709-the car . ‘[79-irene] No , [I]2813-john was telling [her]79-irene to take care . ’ [She]79-irene throws a small scowl over to [Jesse]306-jesse . ‘[79-irene] And [I]2813-john would never insinuate that [you]1693-you could n’t look after [[my]2813-john daughter]79-irene . ’ [She]79-irene ’s poking [him]306-jesse . It ’s like [the O’Shea women]3653-the o’shea women have a compulsion to goad [Jesse Ward]306-jesse . [Jesse]306-jesse strolls over , leaving [[my]79-irene dad]2779-dad browsing around the fully loaned DBS . ‘[79-irene] [She]79-irene does n’t need to take care because [I]2813-john do that for [her]79-irene . ’ [He]2779-dad pulls [me]1696-me from [[my]1696-me mum]79-irene ’s grasp , reclaiming [[his]2779-dad wife]79-irene from [[her]79-irene mother]79-irene . ‘[1696-me] [Mine]1696-me . ’ [He]2779-dad grins and smothers [me]1696-me to make [his]2779-dad point . ‘[1696-me] Menace . ’ [Mum]246-mum huffs , trying not to smile . ‘[464-dan] [Joseph]464-dan ! Do n’t get any ideas . ’ [We]1697-we all turn to see [[my]464-dan dad]464-dan running [his]464-dan palm down the gleaming bonnet of [the Aston Martin]127-aston martin . If [I]464-dan was close enough , [I]464-dan ’m[464-dan] sure [we]1697-we ’d hear a sigh . ‘ Just admiring , ’[464-dan] [he]464-dan says to [himself]464-dan . ‘ [I]464-dan thought [yours]464-dan had black leather ? ’[464-dan] [I]2813-john glance at [Jesse]306-jesse and send a telepathic message to think of something fast to explain why the interior has gone from black leather to cream . ‘ [Mine]306-jesse ’s in for a service . It ’s [a courtesy car]3655-a courtesy car . ’[464-dan] [He]464-dan reels off the explanation with complete ease and with no delay . [He]464-dan ’s such a better liar than [me]2813-john , and [I]2813-john hate that . [Dad]2779-dad laughs . ‘ [I]306-jesse do n’t get [courtesy cars]3656-courtesy cars like this from [[my]306-jesse garage]3657-my garage . ’[306-jesse] [Jesse]306-jesse smiles and leads [me]2813-john to the passenger side , pushing [me]2813-john down gently and buckling [me]2813-john in before adjusting the lap belt . [I]2813-john bat [his]2779-dad hands away , earning [myself]2813-john a growl . ‘ [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] not incapable . ’ [I]2779-dad mutter . ‘[2779-dad] No , [you]2779-dad ’re very capable , ’[2779-dad] [he]2779-dad narrows annoyed eyes on [me]2813-john . ‘ of driving [me]2779-dad fucking nuts ! ’[2779-dad] ‘ [You]2779-dad drive [yourself]2779-dad nuts . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john retort , pushing [him]2779-dad away and shutting the door . [I]2813-john let the window down . ‘ Bye ! ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john blow [[my]2813-john parents]2767-my parents a kiss and watch as [Jesse]306-jesse shakes hands with [[my]2813-john dad]2779-dad and kisses [[my]2813-john mum]2774-kate chastely on the cheek before making [his]2779-dad way around the front of [the car]709-the car , drilling holes into [me]2813-john through the window as [he]2779-dad does . [He]2779-dad slips in and starts the engine . ‘ This weekend will be a lot more pleasant if [you]3658-you do as [you]3658-you ’re[2779-dad] told . ’ [he]2779-dad grumbles , pulling away from [[[my]2779-dad parent]2981-my parent ’s house]3644-my parent ’s house . [I]2779-dad wave them goodbye and turn in [my]2779-dad seat to face [him]2779-dad . ‘[2779-dad] [I]2813-john can put a seatbelt on . ’ ‘[2813-john] But [I]2813-john want to do it . ’ [he]2779-dad mutters sullenly . ‘[2813-john] It ’s [my]2813-john job . ’ ‘[2813-john] To put [my]2813-john seatbelt on ? ’ [I]2813-john laugh . ‘[2813-john] Sarcasm does n’t suit [you]222-this man , [lady]222-this man . ’ [He]2779-dad starts flicking a few switches on the steering wheel . ‘[222-this man] It ’s [my]2813-john job to look after [you]222-this man . No sickness this morning ? ’ ‘[222-this man] No . ’ [I]222-this man sigh . ‘[222-this man] [You]222-this man shoving a ginger biscuit in [my]2813-john mouth the second [I]2813-john woke up took care of that . ’ [I]222-this man quip , bolting upright when [the car]709-the car stereo kicks in and [Mr JT]167-mr jt [himself]167-mr jt joins [us]3662-us . [I]222-this man turn eyes mixed with surprise and amusement to [Jesse]306-jesse . [He]222-this man knows that [I]222-this man ’m[222-this man] looking at [him]222-this man , but [he]222-this man ’s ignoring it . ‘ [You]222-this man had [them]3663-them put this CD in , did n’t [you]222-this man ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m using every ounce of willpower not to grin . [He]222-this man frowns at [the road]577-the road . ‘[2813-john] Do n’t be stupid . ’ ‘[2813-john] [You]222-this man did . On the special request part of the form that [you]222-this man completed , [you]222-this man wrote … Please load the disc player with [Justin]92-justin . ’ [I]222-this man pause . ‘[222-this man] Did [you]222-this man put a love heart and a few kisses on it , too ? ’ [I]222-this man ’m[222-this man] most certainly grinning now . [He]222-this man slowly turns un - amused eyes to [me]2813-john . ‘ Do [you]222-this man think [you]222-this man ’re[222-this man] funny ? ’ ‘[222-this man] Yes . ’ [I]222-this man reach forward and crank the volume up , and then start jigging in [my]222-this man seat , singing along and generally taking the piss out of [[my]222-this man JT fanatical God]3665-my jt fanatical god . ‘[222-this man] Hey ! ’ [I]2813-john yelp when [his]222-this man fingers squeeze [my]2813-john hipbone and the music is suddenly low again . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john was enjoying that . ’ ‘[222-this man] [You]222-this man should . [He]222-this man ’s [a very talented man]222-this man . ’ [Jesse]306-jesse states earnestly . ‘[222-this man] [You]222-this man ’re [a very talented man]222-this man . ’[222-this man] ‘ [I]222-this man know . ’[222-this man] [He]222-this man shrugs . ‘ [We]3666-we have a lot in common . [He]222-this man ’s [a great guy]222-this man . ’[222-this man] ‘ [You]222-this man ’ve met [him]222-this man ? ’[222-this man] ‘ No , [he]222-this man keeps putting [his]222-this man requests in , but [I]222-this man ’m[222-this man] too busy . ’ It ’s [him]222-this man concealing a grin now . [I]222-this man laugh , and [he]222-this man slips [his]222-this man wayfarers on , but not before giving [me]222-this man a wink and a little jiggle of [his]222-this man shoulders . [Laidback Jesse]52-jesse . [God]306-jesse , [I]222-this man love [this man]222-this man . * * * [Jesse]306-jesse takes [us]3666-we on an adventure around [the airport]3667-the airport , dipping and weaving past [cars]679-cars , taking turns in the wrong direction and generally just seeming like [he]222-this man has no idea where [he]222-this man ’s going . [I]222-this man watch the sign for [the airport car park]3669-the airport car park go sailing past [my]222-this man window and frown to [myself]222-this man . Then [I]222-this man look at the clock . It ’s eleven thirty and [we]1703-we ’re[222-this man] supposed to be flying in half an hour . [We]1703-we have n’t checked in , done security or anything . ‘ Shit ! ’[1703-we] [I]2813-john blurt , grabbing [my]2813-john bag up from the floor . ‘ [Ava]536-ava , mouth ! What ’s up ? ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john takes a corner too hard , and [my]2813-john hand shoots out to steady [myself]2813-john on the door . ‘ Will [you]536-ava take it easy ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john snap irritably . Would now be a good time to point out that [his]2813-john driving is stupid ? ‘ [Ava]536-ava , there ’s no place [you]536-ava ’re[2813-john] safer than in [a car]572-a car with [me]2813-john . What ’s the matter ? ’ [He]2813-john does n’t look at [me]2813-john , so [he]2813-john ca n’t appreciate the look of disbelief on [my]2813-john face , but then [I]2813-john swiftly remember why [I]2813-john was oh shitting in the first place . ‘[2813-john] [My]2813-john passport . ’ [I]2813-john say , diving into [my]2813-john bag , looking in complete vain because [I]2813-john know it ’s not in here . [I]2813-john did n’t put it in [here]2799-here , and [my]2813-john rummaging slows when [I]2813-john realise exactly where [my]2813-john passport is . [He]2813-john ’ll go spare . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’ve left [my]2813-john passport in [my]2813-john box of junk . ’ [I]2813-john tell [him]2813-john , mentally cursing [myself]2813-john for not sorting that box out yet . [He]2813-john reaches forward and flips the glove compartment open . ‘[2813-john] No [you]1705-you have n’t , but [you]1705-you have forgotten to get [your]1705-you name changed , [Miss O’Shea]168-miss o’shea . ’ [He]2813-john drops it on [my]168-miss o’shea lap and tosses [me]168-miss o’shea a reproachful look . ‘[168-miss o’shea] So [I]2813-john ’m travelling a single ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ask , opening it up and admiring [my]2813-john maiden name . ‘ Shut up , [Ava]536-ava . ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john screeches to a stop and jumps out , making quick work of getting around to [my]2813-john side and opening [my]2813-john door . [I]2813-john would have done it [myself]2813-john , but [I]2813-john ’m just staring out of the windscreen with [my]2813-john mouth slightly agape . ‘[2813-john] Come on . ’ [I]2813-john look up as [a well suited and booted man]3671-a well suited and booted man approaches with a man in [a captain]3672-a captain ’s uniform . [My]2813-john passport is whipped from [my]2813-john grasp , hands are shook , paperwork and signatures are exchanged , and then [our]3673-our luggage is removed from the boot . ‘[2813-john] Are [you]2813-john going to sit there all day , [lady]2813-john ? ’ [He]2813-john holds [his]2813-john hand out to [me]2813-john , and [I]2813-john take it automatically , letting [him]2813-john pull [me]2813-john from [the car]709-the car . ‘[2813-john] What ’s that ? ’ [I]2813-john ask , nodding at [the toy - like plane]3675-the toy - like plane sitting a few yards away from [us]1708-us . ‘[2813-john] That ’s [a plane]1522-a plane . ’ There is humour in [his]2813-john voice . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] pulled towards [the jet]1522-a plane , not feeling any more enthusiastic as [we]1708-us get closer because it ’s not getting any bigger , and [I]2813-john ’m not filled with any further confidence when [Jesse]306-jesse has to dip to enter the damn thing to avoid smacking [his]306-jesse head . [I]536-ava halt on the ridiculously small amount of steps that will have [me]536-ava boarding , and [Jesse]306-jesse turns to see what ’s keeping [me]536-ava when [our]1708-us arms are pulled taut between [us]1708-us . ‘[536-ava] [Ava]536-ava ? ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m not getting on that thing . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m attacked by an unreasonable bout of fear . [I]2813-john ’ve never been afraid of flying , but [this little plane]1522-a plane is really pumping the anxiety through [my]2813-john veins . [I]2813-john feel a little breathless , too . [He]536-ava smiles , but frowns at the same time . ‘[2813-john] Of course [you]1709-you are . ’ [My]2813-john arm is tugged gently , encouragingly , but [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] not shifting . In fact , [I]2813-john ’m backing away . ‘[536-ava] [Ava]536-ava , [you]1709-you ’ve never said [you]1709-you ’re scared of flying . ’[536-ava] [He]536-ava re - dips and stands up straight , back on the outside of [the jet]1707-the jet . ‘ [I]536-ava ’m[536-ava] not . In big planes . Why are [we]1711-we not going on [a big plane]1712-a big plane ? ’ [I]536-ava look behind [me]536-ava and see heaps of big planes . ‘[536-ava] Why ca n’t [we]1711-we go on one of those ? ’ ‘[1711-we] Because [they]1711-we ’re probably not going where [we]1711-we need [them]1711-we to . ’[536-ava] [he]536-ava says softly . [I]2813-john feel [my]2813-john arm go lax in front of [me]2813-john from where [he]536-ava ’s getting closer , and then [his]536-ava palm is on [my]2813-john cheek . ‘ It ’s perfectly safe . ’[536-ava] [he]536-ava assures [me]2813-john , pulling [my]2813-john face away from all of the big planes that [I]2813-john ’d like to board instead . [I]2813-john do n’t care if [they]1711-we ’re not going where [we]1711-we need [them]1711-we to . [I]536-ava ’ll go wherever [they]1711-we take [me]536-ava . ‘[536-ava] It does n’t look safe . ’ [I]1711-we glance past [him]536-ava and see [a perfectly positioned woman with perfectly styled hair , perfect make - up and a perfect smile]3676-a perfectly positioned woman with perfectly styled hair , perfect make - up and a perfect smile . ‘[1711-we] It looks too small . ’ ‘[536-ava] [Ava]536-ava , ’ [His]536-ava soft , re - assuring voice pulls [my]536-ava eyes back to [his]536-ava . [He]536-ava ’s smiling down at [me]536-ava . ‘[536-ava] This is [me]2813-john , [your]2813-john possessive , unreasonable , over - protective control freak . ’ [He]536-ava kisses [me]2813-john gently . ‘[2813-john] Do [you]2813-john really think [I]2813-john ’d willingly put [you]2813-john in danger ? ’ [I]1713-a complete baby shake [my]1713-a complete baby head , fully aware that [I]1713-a complete baby ’m[1713-a complete baby] being [a complete baby]1713-a complete baby . [My]2813-john fear has surprised [me]2813-john , though . [I]2813-john should be shocked that [he]95-lusso ’s booked [a private jet]1715-a private jet , but [I]2813-john ’m not . The fact that [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] expected to fly on [this private jet]1715-a private jet is more shocking . ‘ [I]2813-john feel a little nervous . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john admit quietly , the visible closeness of [all personnel]1716-all personnel , including [the captain behind [me]2813-john]1717-the captain behind me , registering in [my]2813-john apprehensive mind . ‘ Answer [my]95-lusso question . ’[95-lusso] [he]95-lusso pushes . ‘ No , [I]95-lusso do n’t . ’[95-lusso] ‘ Good . ’[95-lusso] [He]95-lusso rounds [me]2813-john and clasps [my]2813-john shoulders , pushing [me]2813-john gently up the steps . ‘ [You]1718-the perfect woman , who ’s still standing perfectly in place ’ll love it , trust [me]95-lusso . ’[95-lusso] ‘ Good morning ! ’[95-lusso] [The perfect woman , who ’s still standing perfectly in place]1718-the perfect woman , who ’s still standing perfectly in place , greets [us]1719-us , holding [her]1718-the perfect woman , who ’s still standing perfectly in place arm out in a signal of where to go . It ’s really not necessary . There are one of two ways , and [I]2813-john ’m not going anywhere near [the cockpit]3677-the cockpit . Peering inside , [I]2813-john notice just a few chairs , all massive , all leather , all reclining , and just two rows of [them]3678-them — one of each side of [the jet]1707-the jet . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] directed to the middle , turned around and eased down into the soft plumpness . [I]2813-john keep quiet and resist the urge to bolt as [Jesse]306-jesse secures [my]2813-john seatbelt and takes a seat opposite [me]2813-john . [He]95-lusso immediately lifts [my]2813-john feet to [his]95-lusso lap . ‘ Champagne , [sir]95-lusso ? ’[95-lusso] [Perfect lady]1718-the perfect woman , who ’s still standing perfectly in place is back , and [I]2813-john spy [her]1718-the perfect woman , who ’s still standing perfectly in place beaming at [[my]2813-john God]2944-my god , but [I]2813-john ’m too busy gathering [my]2813-john pathetic anxiousness to trample . ‘[2813-john] Just water . ’ [Jesse]306-jesse answers shortly , with no smile , no acknowledgment and no please . [She]1718-the perfect woman , who ’s still standing perfectly in place beats a hasty retreat , and [Jesse]306-jesse slips [my]2813-john ballet pumps from [my]2813-john feet , dropping them carelessly to the floor before getting comfy and repositioning [my]2813-john feet so [they]3680-they ’re[2813-john] at a good angle for [him]95-lusso to massage . ‘ Okay ? ’[95-lusso] [he]95-lusso asks . ‘ Not really . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john have no idea what has gotten into [me]2813-john . ‘ There were regular flights available , were n’t [there]3681-there ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ask suspiciously , having a quick glimpse out of the under average size window . ‘ [I]2813-john do n’t know , [I]2813-john did n’t check . [We]3682-we do n’t do commercial , [Ava]536-ava . ’[2813-john] ‘ [You]536-ava do n’t . [I]2813-john do . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john wiggle [my]2813-john toes . ‘ [I]95-lusso have n’t got swollen feet yet , [you]536-ava know . ’[95-lusso] [His]95-lusso thumbs are working delicious , firm circles into the instep of [my]2813-john feet . ‘ Close [your]536-ava eyes and make [yourself]536-ava comfy , [baby]306-jesse . ’[95-lusso] [he]95-lusso orders tenderly , and [I]2813-john do . [My]2813-john eyes slowly shut , and the last image [I]2813-john see is of [[my]2813-john God]2944-my god lovingly massaging [my]2813-john feet , trying to ease [me]2813-john out of [my]2813-john unwarranted fit of nervousness . [I]2813-john let [my]2813-john mind shut down and drift into a semi - conscious state of bliss . It ’s not a difficult task to achieve when [he]95-lusso ’s touching [me]2813-john , even if it is just [my]2813-john feet . It ’s the usual scenario of [Jesse]306-jesse drawing all of [my]2813-john troubles out of [me]2813-john , whether it ’s justified troubles , or completely trivial , unnecessary troubles , like a sudden fear of flying . [My]2813-john subliminal state only barely notes that regardless of trivial or justified troubles , [Jesse]306-jesse is [the maker]306-jesse . And then [my]2813-john mind moseys through all things [Jesse]306-jesse - ish – the lace , the calla lilies , the peanut butter , the scorns for swearing — and [I]2813-john mentally smile . All of the various degrees of [Jesse]306-jesse style fucking ’s , the temper , the playfulness , the gentleness . [I]2813-john might really be smiling now . The handcuffs , the lace gag , the crucifix , the rowing machine , the Ava éclair . [My]2813-john heart has sped up . The dirty blonde , the addictive , sludgy but bright eyes , the sculptured perfection , the one and two days ’ worth of stubble . The way [he]95-lusso flicks the collar up on [his]95-lusso polo shirts , [his]95-lusso various smiles — for [women]253-women , for [me]1722-i , and now for [my]1722-i tummy , too . [His]95-lusso fierceness , [his]95-lusso protectiveness , [his]95-lusso dominant ways . The way [he]95-lusso walks and the way [he]95-lusso tramples , and all of the ways in which [he]95-lusso loves [me]1722-i , with unapologetic , raw adoration . The way [I]1722-i return that love . [I]1722-i shift in [my]1722-i seat and in [my]1722-i subconscious , [I]1722-i hear [his]1722-i laugh . The soft , low one . Then [I]1722-i feel the wet warmness of [his]1722-i tongue on [my]1722-i toe . [I]1722-i smile , being snapped from all of [my]1722-i mental assessments of [[my]1722-i beautiful husband]3685-my beautiful husband . [I]1722-i open one eye , and [I]1722-i ’m[1722-i] greeted by [his]1722-i smile , reserved only for [me]2813-john . ‘ Dreaming ? ’[1722-i] [he]1722-i asks , biting down on [my]2813-john little toe . ‘ Of [you]1723-you . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john sigh . ‘ Tell [me]2813-john when [we]3686-we take off so [I]2813-john can put [my]2813-john head between [my]2813-john legs . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’ll put [my]2813-john head between [your]1723-you legs . ’ [He]1722-i sucks [my]2813-john toe , and [I]2813-john shudder . ‘[2813-john] Just tell [me]2813-john . ’ ‘[306-jesse] Look out the window , [baby]306-jesse . ’ [I]306-jesse frown and gaze out , expecting to find runways and planes , but instead , [I]306-jesse find clouds . ‘[306-jesse] Oh ! ’ [My]306-jesse relaxed state falters , just for a split second , before [I]306-jesse register no movement . There is hardly any sound , either . It ’s really peaceful . [I]306-jesse look to the side and see [our]3686-we waters placed on a highly polished table , and then [I]306-jesse peek down [the aisle]279-the aisle and see [the perfect woman]3688-the perfect woman pottering around at the other end of [the jet]1707-the jet . ‘[306-jesse] Why did n’t [you]1723-you tell [me]2813-john ? ’ [I]306-jesse ask , settling back in [my]306-jesse seat . [He]1722-i kisses [my]306-jesse toe . ‘[306-jesse] And miss the sounds and looks [you]1723-you were making ? ’ [He]1722-i drops [my]306-jesse foot . ‘[306-jesse] Come here . ’ [I]306-jesse do n’t stall for a second . [I]306-jesse unclip [my]306-jesse belt and virtually dive onto [his]1722-i lap , nestling [my]306-jesse head under [his]1722-i chin and wrapping [my]306-jesse arms around [his]1722-i neck . ‘[306-jesse] Go back to sleep and dream of [me]2813-john , [lady]2813-john . ’ [He]1722-i does n’t need to ask twice . [Our]3690-we early start and long drive has taken it out of [me]2813-john , and [I]2813-john do n’t want to be beat when [we]3690-we land wherever [we]3690-we ’re[2813-john] landing . [I]2813-john still have n’t asked , but [I]2813-john do n’t care . It ’s going to be warm , sunny , and just [me]2813-john and [Jesse]306-jesse . * * * [I]2813-john come to , still tucked into [Jesse]306-jesse ’s body . [I]2813-john can hear [him]306-jesse quietly speaking , but it ’s all muffled . A little groggy , [I]2813-john pull [myself]2813-john up a little and find [the perfect woman hovering over [us]1726-us]0-my beautiful girl . ‘ Welcome to [Malaga]36-malaga , [Mrs Ward]72-mrs ward . ’[0-my beautiful girl] [She]0-my beautiful girl blasts [me]2813-john with an insincere , part - of - the - job smile . ‘ Thank [you]72-mrs ward . ’[0-my beautiful girl] [I]2813-john return [her]0-my beautiful girl smile , although [mine]2813-john is weaker , but definitely more sincere . [Malaga]36-malaga ? Like [Spain Malaga]37-spain malaga ? Like near to [Marbella Malaga]38-marbella malaga ? ‘ [[My]306-jesse beautiful girl]0-my beautiful girl ’s back . ’[306-jesse] [He]306-jesse kisses [my]2813-john cheek . ‘ Enjoy [your]306-jesse flight ? ’[306-jesse] [I]2813-john look at [him]306-jesse through [my]2813-john fog of sleepiness and note a stubbled , hazy , smiling face , and a dishevelled mop of dark blonde . ‘ Do [I]2813-john yank [your]306-jesse hair in [my]2813-john sleep ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john croak , reaching up to pat it down . ‘ [You]306-jesse do a lot in [your]306-jesse sleep . [I]2813-john could watch [you]306-jesse forever . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john make to move , but get absolutely nowhere . ‘ [I]2813-john need to stretch . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john complain , wriggling . [I]2813-john hear a click , and [I]2813-john ’m instantly free . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john needed to belt [you]1727-he in . ’ [He]1727-he helps [me]2813-john to [my]2813-john feet and watches as [my]2813-john arms raise , nearly touching the ceiling of [the plane]3691-the plane . Oh , that feels too good . ‘[2813-john] Are n’t [I]2813-john supposed to be belted into [my]2813-john own seat for landing ? ’ [I]2813-john ask , ‘[2813-john] With [my]2813-john seat in the upright position , [my]2813-john table stowed away , and all of [my]2813-john belongings tucked neatly under the seat in front ? ’ [He]1727-he raises a sardonic eyebrow . ‘[2813-john] Yes . [I]2813-john very nearly had to trample [the lovely lady]1728-the lovely lady . ’ [He]1727-he stands [himself]1727-he and pulls [my]2813-john blouse down , which is riding up [my]2813-john navel from [my]2813-john stretched position . [He]1727-he holds it in place until [I]2813-john ’ve finished . ‘[2813-john] Done ? ’ ‘[2813-john] Yes , ’ [I]2813-john yawn , as [he]1727-he releases the hem of [my]2813-john top . [I]2813-john know this is probably a sign of things to come over the next couple of days , but [he]1727-he ’d better lighten up and fast because [I]2813-john ’ve packed [my]2813-john bikinis , and [I]2813-john ’ll be wearing them . As [we]3692-we emerge into the bright sunlight , [I]2813-john smile , the heat hitting [my]2813-john face and warming [me]2813-john to the core . Or warming [me]2813-john further . [I]2813-john already have a lovely , peaceful warmth coursing through [me]2813-john , and that ’s only going to increase over the next few days . Taking the steps down to the tarmac , [we]3692-we ’re[2813-john] immediately greeted by [a smart Spanish man , who hands [Jesse]306-jesse a set of keys]1729-a smart spanish man , who hands jesse a set of keys . Then [I]2813-john spot [the DBS]2996-the dbs . ‘ Really ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john blurt . ‘ [We]3692-we could n’t have taken [a taxi]3693-a taxi ? ’[1729-a smart spanish man , who hands jesse a set of keys] [He]1729-a smart spanish man , who hands jesse a set of keys scoffs and signs the paperwork presented to [him]1729-a smart spanish man , who hands jesse a set of keys . ‘ [I]1729-a smart spanish man , who hands jesse a set of keys do n’t do public transport , [Ava]536-ava . ’[1729-a smart spanish man , who hands jesse a set of keys] ‘ [You]536-ava should . It ’ll save [you]536-ava a fortune . ’[1729-a smart spanish man , who hands jesse a set of keys] Handing back the paperwork , [he]1729-a smart spanish man , who hands jesse a set of keys makes quick work of putting [me]2813-john in the wrong side of [the car]709-the car , throwing [me]2813-john off a little . Once [he]1729-a smart spanish man , who hands jesse a set of keys ’s buckled [me]2813-john in and [I]2813-john ’ve gathered [my]2813-john bearings , [I]2813-john settle in the familiar , if a little warmer , softness of the leather seat and listen to the bumping and banging of the luggage being loaded into the boot . [Jesse]306-jesse jumps in and slips [his]306-jesse shades on . ‘ Are [you]536-ava ready to be binged on for the next three days ? ’[306-jesse] ‘ No , take [me]2813-john [home]2904-home . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john grin and lean across , planting a kiss on [his]306-jesse lips . ‘ Not a chance , [lady]2813-john . [You]2813-john ’re[2813-john] all [mine]2813-john , and [I]2813-john ’m going to make the most of it . ’[306-jesse] [He]306-jesse returns [my]2813-john kiss , palming the back of [my]2813-john head to pull [me]2813-john closer . ‘ [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] always [yours]2813-john ’ ‘[2813-john] Correct . Get used to it . ’ [I]306-jesse ’m[306-jesse] released before [he]306-jesse hastily rams [the Aston]1733-the aston in gear and screeches away from [the Jet]1707-the jet . ‘ [I]2813-john am used to it . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john muse , resting [my]2813-john elbow on the door and settling [my]2813-john head so [I]2813-john can watch [the unfamiliar world]1735-the unfamiliar world go by . It ’s all very boring and concrete - like for quite some time as [we]1736-we make [our]1736-we way out of [the airport]3667-the airport and away from the hustle and bustle of [central Malaga]36-malaga , but then [we]1736-we hit [a coast road]1738-a coast road , and the sight of [the Mediterranean]40-the mediterranean meeting the sky holds [my]2813-john attention for the rest of the journey . [Mansun]170-mansun sing about a Wide Open Space , and the smell of heat mixed with the kicked up dust of [the well - worn road]577-the road overpowers the usual lingering scent of fresh water , leaving [me]2813-john resentful of its intrusion on [my]2813-john nose . Apart from that smell , it ’s blissful . [We]1736-we cruise along in a comfortable silence , the stereo in the background keeping [us]1736-we company , [Jesse]306-jesse ’s hand resting on [my]2813-john knee , and [mine]2813-john clutching it . [I]2813-john sneak a peek of [his]306-jesse profile and smile before [I]2813-john close [my]2813-john eyes , relax further into the leather and think of the tranquil , undisturbed time ahead of [us]1736-we . * * * [I]2813-john ’m not asleep , but [my]1736-we eyes come open when [the road beneath the tyres]3695-the road beneath the tyres becomes bumpy and [the car]709-the car starts jolting all over [the place]2776-the place . [I]1736-we look to [the road]577-the road ahead and the first thing that strikes [me]1736-we is the appalling condition of it . There ’s rubble all over [the rut riddled surface]3698-the rut riddled surface , leaving [Jesse]306-jesse negotiating [the prestigious car]709-the car with care . [I]1736-we ’ve never known [him]306-jesse to drive with such caution , but it ’s blatantly obvious that any faster , then [he]306-jesse ’s likely to take out the bottom of [the car]709-the car . ‘[1736-we] Where are [we]1736-we ? ’ [I]306-jesse ask , searching around for any sign of something appealing . There is nothing , only [derelict land]3699-derelict land , this hideous , dusty , shambles of [a road]577-the road and [a few houses]3700-a few houses . No , not [houses]3701-houses , [shacks]3702-shacks would be more apt . There ca n’t be [any people living in [them]3702-shacks]3703-any people living in them . ‘[306-jesse] This is paradise , [baby]306-jesse . ’ [Jesse]306-jesse says , deadly serious . [I]306-jesse almost laugh , but worry is preventing it . [I]306-jesse ’ve seen paradise , in pictures mainly , and this could n’t be any further removed . [I]306-jesse ’m[306-jesse] about to demand that [he]1741-he turn around , but then a colossal set of wooden , planked gates come into view and [my]2813-john attention is captured by the high , whitewashed wall stemming from each side and stretching out into the distance . And then [I]2813-john see it . Paradise . There is a sign on the wall next to the gate and it says [Paradise]41-paradise . [He]1741-he can not be serious . Paradise ? Not only is it not paradise , but could [he]1741-he have picked a cheesier name for a place to stay ? [Paradise]41-paradise ? Those walls do n’t look like [they]1742-they ’ve been touched by any white - wash paint in two decades , and [I]2813-john ’m starting to feel nauseous from being tossed around in [this lovely car]709-the car . [He]1741-he ’s brought [me]2813-john to [this dump]709-the car ? [He]1741-he has [me]2813-john to [himself]1741-he for three days and [he]1741-he ’s brought [me]2813-john [here]709-the car ? [I]2813-john would rather sleep in [the car]709-the car . [My]2813-john tranquil mind is n’t feeling so tranquil , not now that [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] surrounded by this most un - tranquil vista . Yes , it ’s quiet , but the whole deadness of [our]1743-our surroundings is just making it feel eerie , rather than peaceful . ‘ [Jesse]306-jesse … ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m not sure what to say . [He]1744-he does n’t seem in the least bit perturbed by all of this , which leaves [me]1744-he thinking that [he]1744-he ’s been [here]2799-here before . If [he]1744-he has , then why would [he]1744-he return ? [I]1744-he ’m[1744-he] not given any explanation , [he]1744-he just flips a switch and smiles fondly as the wooden gates start to creak open . [He]1744-he has been [here]2799-here before . [I]2813-john choose to keep [my]2813-john mouth shut , despite [my]2813-john better judgment . [I]2813-john ’m not staying [here]2799-here . No way . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] having a good mental sulk in [my]2813-john seat when [we]1746-we breach the gates and [we]1746-we ’re immediately closed in by darkness , a canopy of the greenest green [I]2813-john ’ve ever seen , draping over [us]1746-we and [the driveway]3261-the driveway ahead . Clusters of white flowers are spotted here and there among the foliage and the most potent fragrance is seeping into [the car]709-the car , even with all of the windows closed . ‘[2813-john] That smell . ’ [I]1746-we sniff deeply and exhale on a sigh . ‘[1746-we] This is nothing . At nightfall it ’s pungent . ’ [Jesse]306-jesse breathes in deeply [himself]306-jesse , humming in pleasure as [he]306-jesse exhales . [I]1744-he ’m[1744-he] totally intrigued . [He]1744-he ’s mentally reminiscing . Whilst the smell is heavenly , [I]2813-john ’m still concerned by [our]1746-we location , but then the sunlight flickers towards the end of [the concealed driveway]3707-the concealed driveway and the shards of flashing lights stabbing at [us]1746-we through the windscreen makes [me]2813-john squint , even through [my]2813-john shades . It ’s like a light has been abruptly switched on and all of a sudden , [I]2813-john ’ve been transported to … Paradise . [My]2813-john breath catches in [my]2813-john throat , and [I]2813-john unclip [my]2813-john belt to sit forward , blinking to ensure that [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] not imagining this . The grimy , concrete and [wasteland jungle]1747-wasteland jungle is no more , and in its place is an idyllic haven , bursting with greenery , neatly trimmed lawns and pergolas dripping in pompoms of red flowers . [We]1748-i ’re suddenly not moving anymore , and [I]1748-i waste no time ejecting [myself]1748-i from [the car]709-the car , shutting the door and absorbing [my]1748-i new , improved surroundings . [I]1748-i start walking across the rumbled , cobbled driveway towards [the terracotta villa]3709-the terracotta villa up ahead , not bothering to wait for [Jesse]306-jesse , or even to check that [he]306-jesse ’s following . [I]1748-i take the steps up to [the veranda]3710-the veranda that circles [the entire property]3711-the entire property and turn to get the full view of [the grounds]2897-the grounds . Paradise . When [I]1748-i think that [I]1748-i ’ve taken it all in , [I]1748-i turn [my]1748-i attention back to [Jesse]306-jesse , finding [him]306-jesse sitting on the bonnet of [the DBS]150-the dbs , legs stretch and crossed at the ankles . [His]306-jesse arms are folded over [his]306-jesse chest , too . And [he]306-jesse ’s smiling . ‘[1748-i] What ’s [[my]2813-john beautiful girl]0-my beautiful girl thinking ? ’ [he]306-jesse shouts over to [me]2813-john . [My]2813-john hand reaches out and pulls a stray leaf from the shrubbery hanging from some trellis on [the veranda]3710-the veranda . [I]2813-john smell it and sigh . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m thinking that [I]2813-john ’ve just officially arrived on [Central Jesse Cloud Nine]306-jesse . ’[2813-john] ‘ Where ? ’[2813-john] The confusion and amusement in [his]2813-john tone is clear . [I]2813-john grin , drop the leaf , and start running towards [him]2813-john , only vaguely registering [his]2813-john increased amusement as [he]2813-john stands and readies [himself]2813-john for [my]2813-john attack . [I]2813-john launch [myself]2813-john at [him]2813-john , [my]2813-john body taking up the usual baby monkey style hold , and [I]2813-john tackle [his]2813-john mouth , full of enthusiasm . [He]2813-john does n’t stop [me]2813-john . [He]2813-john holds [me]2813-john under [my]2813-john bum and smiles around [my]2813-john brute force . ‘ It ’s [my]2813-john most favourite place in [the world]2908-the world . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john say , easing up on [his]2813-john lips and looking down at [him]2813-john , noticing immediately that [his]2813-john wayfarers are still fixed to [his]2813-john face . [I]2813-john pull them off so [I]2813-john can see all of [him]2813-john . ‘ Are [you]2813-john happy ? ’[2813-john] [he]2813-john asks , despite it being transparently obvious that [I]2813-john ’m delirious with delight . ‘[2813-john] Delirious . ’ [I]2813-john thread [my]2813-john fingers through [his]2813-john hair and give it [my]2813-john usual little tug . ‘[2813-john] Then [my]2813-john work here is done . ’ [His]2813-john mouth goes to [my]2813-john neck and bites lightly before [he]2813-john disconnects [me]2813-john from [his]2813-john body . ‘[2813-john] Let [me]2813-john get the cases . ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’ll help . ’ [I]2813-john say automatically , following [him]2813-john to the rear of [the car]709-the car . [I‘m]2813-john soon halted when [he]2813-john turns and flashes [me]2813-john a cautionary look . ‘[2813-john] Okay , [I]2813-john wo n’t help . ’ [I]2813-john hold [my]2813-john hands up and fetch [my]2813-john bag from [the car]709-the car instead , then follow [Jesse]306-jesse back towards [the single storey villa]3716-the single storey villa . [He]306-jesse drops the cases briefly while [he]306-jesse tries at least three different keys in the lock before finally arriving at the correct one . The door opens , and [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] ushered in to complete darkness , with only slices on light penetrating the gaps between the closed shutters . [I]2813-john ca n’t see much , but [I]2813-john can smell , and that perfume is rife inside , too , the potency incredible and lingering everywhere . ‘ Wait here . ’[306-jesse] [Jesse]306-jesse instructs , dumping the cases by the door and disappearing outside again . [I]2813-john stand , gazing around the walls for a light switch , but [I]2813-john ca n’t see a thing , even with the faint light pouring in from the doorway . And then it ’s like a spotlight has hit a blackened stage when a sudden gush of sunlight shoots across [the room]254-the room and collides with the wall opposite . Then there ’s another , this one coming from another window , the arrow of light sailing through the first beam , creating a bright cross of light in the dimness of [the room]254-the room . And another , then another . [I]2813-john watch as the space transforms into a busy crossroads of light lines until there is no more darkness , just sunlight streaming in from every window and door . [My]2813-john sensitive eyes want to close , but it ’s impossible when there is so much to focus on . The walls are smooth and white , the floor is laid in giant honey coloured flagstones , with cream rugs scattered randomly and a giant U shaped couch facing the doors that lead to a pool surrounded by bright green grass . And beyond that , [a beach]1566-the beach . ‘ Oh wow , ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john breathe , walking tentatively forward , [my]2813-john excitement building the closer [I]2813-john get and with the more that comes into view . Before [I]2813-john know it , [I]2813-john ’ve crossed [the terrace]2781-the terrace , padded [my]2813-john way over [the lawn]2781-the terrace , and [I]2813-john ’m standing , fiddling with a cast iron gate that ’s getting between [me]2813-john and [the beach]1566-the beach . ‘[2813-john] Here , ’ [Jesse]306-jesse ’s hand is suddenly on [mine]2813-john , and a key is inserted into the lock , opening the gate and allowing [me]2813-john to pass through . Ten wooden sleepers formed as steps and covered in sand and grass take [me]2813-john down to [the beach]1566-the beach . It ’s deserted , and as [I]2813-john look each way for any sign of life , [I]2813-john realise [we]1755-we ’re[2813-john] in [a bay]1753-a bay . There are no other properties in sight - no beach bars , [no hotels]1754-no hotels , not anything . It really is just [us]1755-we , [this beautiful villa]1756-this beautiful villa , and the midnight blue warmth of [the Mediterranean]40-the mediterranean . ‘ Still on [Central Jesse Cloud Nine]306-jesse ? ’[1757-his] [he]1757-his whispers in [my]2813-john ear , slipping [his]1757-his forearm around the tops of [my]2813-john shoulders and pulling [me]2813-john back to rest against [his]1757-his chest . ‘ [I]1757-his am . Where are [you]1757-his ? ’[1757-his] ‘ [Me]1757-his ? ’[1757-his] [he]1757-his asks , kissing [my]2813-john cheek softly and sliding [his]1757-his palm onto [my]2813-john tummy . ‘ [Baby]88-baby , [I]1757-his ’m[1757-his] in paradise . ’ [I]1757-his close [my]1757-his eyes on a contented smile and sink into [his]1757-his body , [my]1757-his hand finding [his]1757-his on [my]1757-his stomach , [our]3717-our fingers intertwining and feeling each other . Central Jesse Cloud Nine really is Paradise . * * * [We]3717-our spend the rest of the afternoon unpacking , taking delivery of groceries and [Jesse]306-jesse gives [me]1757-his a guided tour , showing [me]1757-his [the six en - suite bedrooms]3718-the six en - suite bedrooms , all with doors leading to a different part of [the veranda]3710-the veranda . [The kitchen]3044-the kitchen , which is white and modern , has wooden stained worktops and little touches like the suspended wooden grid with cast iron pans hanging over [the cooking area]3721-the cooking area to maintain the rustic feel of [the villa]917-this place . As [an interior designer]3722-an interior designer , [I]1757-his ’m[1757-his] in awe . [I]2813-john could n’t have done a better job [myself]2813-john . [The bedrooms]1758-the bedrooms are all plain walled , but with sumptuous fabrics dressing the beds and billowing voile hanging at the windows . Sporadically placed canvases take the edge off the sparseness of the plain walls and all of the randomly placed rugs break up the vastness of the flagstone flooring that runs through [the entire villa]917-this place . [This place]917-this place features in [Jesse]306-jesse ’s history , [I]2813-john ’m sure , but [I]2813-john do n’t press it . [He]306-jesse told [me]2813-john only that the renovations have been underway on and off for many years , so [I]2813-john gather [he]306-jesse owns [this place]917-this place . But [I]2813-john did n’t have it confirmed . Now [we]3723-we ’re[2813-john] sat at the gigantic wooden table between [the kitchen]3044-the kitchen and the lounge space with a jug of ice water , and the questions are not prepared to stay in [my]2813-john brain for much longer . This place holds significance somewhere in [Jesse]306-jesse ’s life and [my]2813-john curious mind is struggling to hold back . [He]306-jesse watches [me]2813-john with a small smile as [I]2813-john lift [my]2813-john glass to [my]2813-john lips before [he]306-jesse proceeds to quench [his]306-jesse own thirst , still keeping [his]306-jesse eyes on [mine]2813-john . [I]2813-john ’m desperate to ask , and [he]306-jesse knows it , but [he]306-jesse ’s making [me]306-jesse suffer . Instead of volunteering the information that [he]306-jesse knows [I]306-jesse ’m[306-jesse] craving , [he]306-jesse ’s going to make [me]2813-john ask , and [I]2813-john promised [myself]2813-john that [I]2813-john would never push [him]306-jesse for information on [his]306-jesse history again . It does n’t matter to [me]2813-john anymore , but its lack of importance clearly fails to prevent the inquisitiveness in [me]2813-john . [I]2813-john ca n’t help it . [I]2813-john ’m thankful when [he]306-jesse speaks before [me]2813-john , preventing [me]2813-john from firing off a round of questions . ‘[2813-john] Would [you]1761-you like something to eat ? ’ [I]2813-john ca n’t prevent the surprised look from jumping onto [my]2813-john face . ‘[2813-john] Are [you]1761-you going to cook for [me]2813-john ? ’ There ’s no [Cathy]1284-cathy here , and [he]306-jesse knows [I]2813-john hate cooking . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john could ’ve had staff , but [I]2813-john wanted [you]1761-you to [myself]2813-john . ’ [He]306-jesse grins that roguish grin . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john think [you]1761-you should look after [[your]1761-you husband]2849-my wife and fulfil [your]1761-you obligation as [[my]2813-john wife]2849-my wife . ’ [I]2849-my wife cough a little at [his]306-jesse arrogance . [My]2849-my wife obligation ? ‘[2849-my wife] When [you]1761-you married [me]2813-john , [you]1761-you knew [I]2813-john hated cooking . ’ ‘[2849-my wife] And when [you]1761-you married [me]2813-john , [you]1761-you knew [I]2813-john could n’t cook . ’ [he]306-jesse counters cockily . ‘[2849-my wife] But [you]1761-you have [Cathy]1284-cathy . ’ ‘[1761-you] In [England]20-england [I]2813-john have [Cathy]1284-cathy to feed [me]2813-john , which is a good job as [[my]2813-john wife]2849-my wife does n’t . ’ [He]306-jesse ’s serious now . ‘[2849-my wife] In Spain [I]2813-john have [[my]2813-john wife]2849-my wife . And [she]2849-my wife ’s going to make [me]2813-john something to eat . [You]1763-i did a good job with the chicken . ’ [He]306-jesse ’s right , [I]1763-i did , but that does n’t mean [I]1763-i enjoyed it , although [I]1763-i ’d be lying if [I]1763-i said that [I]1763-i did n’t enjoy watching [him]306-jesse eat it . [I]1763-i was looking after [him]306-jesse for a change , and with that thought [I]1763-i ’m[1763-i] oddly keen to prepare a meal for [him]1764-him . ‘ Okay , ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john stand up . ‘ [I]2813-john ’ll fulfil [my]2813-john obligation . ’[2813-john] ‘ Oh good . It ’s about time [you]1763-i did what [you]1763-i ’re[2849-my wife] told . ’ [he]1764-him says candidly , no smile , no humour . ‘[2849-my wife] Get to it , then . ’ ‘[2849-my wife] Do n’t push it , [Ward]72-mrs ward . ’ [I]72-mrs ward warn , leaving [him]306-jesse at the table and making [my]72-mrs ward way to [the fridge]3252-the fridge . It does n’t take [me]72-mrs ward long to decide what to cook . [I]72-mrs ward grab some peppers , chorizo sausage , rice and mushrooms , along with some lamb cutlets , and transport [them]3725-them to the worktop before locating a chopping board and a knife . [I]72-mrs ward set to work , halving the peppers and deseeding them , and then chopping the mushrooms and sausage finely and frying it all off . [I]72-mrs ward boil the rice , chop some fresh bread and pan fry the lamb . And the whole time [he]1765-he sits and watches [me]72-mrs ward busy [myself]72-mrs ward , with no offer of help and no attempt to make conversation . [He]1765-he just quietly observes [me]72-mrs ward fulfilling [my]72-mrs ward obligation to feed [him]1765-he . [I]72-mrs ward ’m[72-mrs ward] halfway through stuffing the peppers , when [he]1765-he appears in front of [me]2813-john , leaning across the counter from the other side . ‘ [You]2813-john ’re[2813-john] doing a great job , [lady]2813-john . ’ [I]2813-john pick [my]2813-john knife up and wield it at [him]1765-he . ‘[2813-john] Do n’t patronise [me]2813-john . ’ [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] shocked when [his]1765-he relaxed face flashes black and the knife is snatched from [my]2813-john hand . ‘ Do n’t fucking wave knives around , [Ava]536-ava ! ’[2813-john] ‘ Sorry ! ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john blurt , glancing at it in [his]1765-he hand and quickly appreciating [my]2813-john stupidity . It ’s a nasty looking blade , and [I]2813-john ’m brandishing it about like it ’s [a rhythmic gymnast]3726-a rhythmic gymnast ’s ribbon . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m sorry . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john repeat . [He]1765-he places it down carefully and seems to gather [himself]1765-he . ‘ It ’s okay . Forget about it . ’[1765-he] [I]2813-john gesture towards the table for anything to do , other than apologise again . [He]1765-he does n’t seem happy at all . ‘ Do [you]2813-john want to lay the table ? ’[1765-he] ‘ Sure , ’[1765-he] [he]1765-he says quietly , maybe thinking that [he]1765-he ’s gone a bit over - the - top , [I]2813-john do n’t know , but [his]1765-he withdrawn mood and [my]2813-john scorned state have formed a clear tension . [Jesse]306-jesse leaves [me]2813-john and quietly lays the table for two , while [I]2813-john finish preparing dinner . ‘ Here , ’[306-jesse] [I]2813-john slide [his]1765-he plate in front of [him]1765-he , but before [I]2813-john can pull [my]2813-john hand away , [he]1765-he grabs it and looks up at [me]2813-john with sorry eyes . ‘ [I]1765-he over - reacted . ’[1765-he] [I]2813-john feel better already . ‘ No , it ’s fine . [I]1765-he should n’t be so careless . ’[1765-he] [He]1765-he smiles . ‘ Sit , ’[1765-he] [He]1765-he pulls [my]2813-john chair out , but as soon as [I]2813-john ’ve lowered [myself]2813-john , [he]1765-he stands . ‘ [We]3727-we ’re[1765-he] missing something . ’ [he]1765-he informs [me]111-mick , striding off and leaving [me]111-mick wondering where [he]1765-he ’s gone . It ’s not long before [he]1765-he ’s back , holding a candle in one hand and a remote control in the other . [He]1765-he finds some matches , lights the candle and places it in the centre of the table , then pushes a few buttons on the remote control , filling [the villa]1759-the villa with a distinct male voice . [I]111-mick recognise it immediately . ‘[111-mick] [Mick Hucknell]111-mick ? ’ [I]306-jesse ask , a little surprised . ‘[306-jesse] Or [God]306-jesse . Either will do . ’ [He]1765-he smiles as [he]1765-he takes [his]1765-he seat . ‘[111-mick] [You]111-mick ’re willing to share [your]111-mick title ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ask , picking up [my]2813-john blunt knife and safe fork . ‘ [He]111-mick ’s worthy , ’[111-mick] [he]111-mick replies casually . ‘ This looks good . Eat up . ’[111-mick] [I]2813-john acknowledge [his]111-mick nod at [my]2813-john plate with a small smile and carve [my]2813-john way through a piece of lamb , resisting the urge to brandish [my]2813-john knife again when [Jesse]306-jesse leans over , looking at [my]2813-john meat . [He]111-mick ’s checking how well it ’s cooked . [I]2813-john help [him]111-mick out , turning [my]2813-john plate so [he]111-mick can see the centre of [my]2813-john lamb cutlet . [He]111-mick should be happy . [I]2813-john like [my]2813-john steak medium , but [I]2813-john love [my]2813-john lamb cooked thoroughly . [I]2813-john stab a piece with [my]2813-john fork and bring it up to [my]2813-john lips . ‘ May [I]2813-john ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ask , completely serious and with no hint of a smile on [my]2813-john face , which is good because [I]2813-john ’m matching [Jesse]306-jesse . ‘[1767-you] [You]1767-you may . ’ [he]111-mick says , slicing through [his]111-mick own lamb and taking [his]111-mick first bite . [He]111-mick chews , nods and swallows . ‘[2844-sam] [You]1767-you can cook , [wife]2844-sam . ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’ve never said [I]2813-john ca n’t . [I]2813-john just do n’t like doing it . ’ ‘[2813-john] Not even for [me]2813-john ? ’ [I]2813-john flick [him]111-mick a look to gage [his]111-mick expression , and it ’s as [I]2813-john feared . There is no humour and [he]111-mick ’s not pouting at [me]2813-john playfully . [I]2813-john know where this is heading and whilst [I]2813-john do actually like cooking for [him]111-mick , [I]2813-john would n’t want to do it every day . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john do n’t mind . ’ [I]2813-john answer coolly . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john like [you]1767-you cooking for [me]2813-john , ’ [he]111-mick muses . ‘[2813-john] It ’s kind of normal . ’ [I]2813-john pause and place [my]2813-john knife down . ‘[2813-john] Normal ? ’ ‘[2813-john] Yes , normal . Like what [normal married people]1769-normal married people do . ’ ‘[2813-john] Normal , like [the wife]1653-the wife cooks and [the husband]1653-the wife eats ? That ’s a bit chauvinistic . ’ [I]1653-the wife laugh , but [he]111-mick does n’t . [He]111-mick ’s still concentrating on [his]111-mick careful cutting and eating . [He]111-mick wants normalcy ? Then [he]111-mick should try being a bit normal [himself]111-mick . But do [I]1653-the wife want [him]111-mick to be normal ? No , [I]1653-the wife do n’t . [He]111-mick would n’t be [Jesse]306-jesse if [he]111-mick was normal . [We]3729-we would n’t be [us]3729-we if [he]111-mick was normal . [I]1653-the wife take another bite of lamb to busy [my]1653-the wife mouth , instead of calling [him]111-mick [a caveman]3003-a caveman . [We]3729-we ’ll never be normal , not completely , and [I]1653-the wife hope [we]3729-we ’re[1653-the wife] not . [He]1771-his shrugs , rests [his]1771-his cutlery on the side of [his]1771-his plate and sits back in [his]1771-his chair , slowly raising [his]1771-his eyes to [mine]1772-mine as [he]1771-his chews purposely slow . What ’s going on in that head of [his]1771-his ? The greenness of [his]1771-his gaze has [me]2813-john engrossed , making [me]2813-john slow [my]2813-john own chews down to mimic [his]1771-his . ‘ Is n’t this normal ? ’[1771-his] [he]1771-his asks , [his]1771-his voice low and throaty . ‘ [You]1771-his mean having dinner together ? ’[1771-his] ‘ Yes , ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john shrug a little . ‘ Yes , this is normal . ’[1771-his] [He]1771-his nods mildly . ‘ What about if [I]1771-his spread [you]1771-his on this table during dinner and fuck [you]1771-his ? Would that be normal ? ’[1771-his] [My]2813-john eyes widen a little in surprise . [I]2813-john do n’t know why because that would be perfectly normal for [us]1773-our . ‘ [Our]1773-our normal is [you]1771-his taking what [you]1771-his want , when [you]1771-his want it . [You]1771-his can chuck in a meal cooked by [[your]1771-his wife]2962-your wife , if [you]1771-his like . ’[2813-john] ‘ Good , ’[1771-his] [He]1771-his collects [his]1771-his knife and fork . ‘ [I]1771-his like [our]1773-our normal . ’[1771-his] [I]2813-john frown at [him]1771-his . What was the point of all that ? ‘ Is something worrying [you]1771-his ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ask . ‘ No , ’[1771-his] [He]1771-his answers far too quickly . ‘ Yes , there is . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john fire back , and [I]2813-john think [I]2813-john know what it is . ‘ Are [you]1771-his suddenly considering the possibility of no wherever and whenever with [two babies]1527-two babies around ? ’[2813-john] ‘ Not at all . ’[2813-john] ‘ Look at [me]2813-john . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john demand , and [he]1771-his does , but [he]1771-his ’s looking at [me]2813-john in shock . [I]2813-john do n’t give [him]1771-his a chance to scoff at [my]2813-john order , or ask [me]2813-john who the hell [I]2813-john think [I]2813-john ’m talking to . ‘[1774-you] [You]1774-you are , are n’t [you]1774-you ? ’ [His]1771-his shock turns to a glower . ‘[1774-you] Wherever , whenever . ’ ‘[1774-you] Not with [two babies]1527-two babies around . ’ [I]1774-you could laugh at [him]1771-his . [He]1771-his has . [He]1771-his ’s suddenly well aware that [his]1771-his possession over [my]1774-you body is going to be curbed . [I]1774-you return to [my]1774-you dinner , delighting in this revelation . [I]1774-you ca n’t believe [he]1771-his has n’t thought about this already . ‘[1774-you] [They]1527-two babies ’ll need a lot of [my]2813-john attention . ’ [He]1771-his points [his]1771-his fork at [me]1527-two babies . Not [his]1771-his knife , but [his]1771-his fork . ‘[1527-two babies] Yes , [you]1774-you ’re primary role will be the care of [[our]3733-our children]1497-our children , but a close second , and [I]1774-you mean a very close second , will be for [my]1774-you indulgence . Wherever , whenever , [Ava]536-ava . [I]1774-you might need to control [my]1774-you craving for [you]1774-you to a certain extent , but do n’t think that [I]1774-you ’m[1774-you] going to sacrifice devoting [my]2813-john life to consuming [you]1774-you . Constant contact . Wherever , whenever . That ’s not going to change , just because [we]1776-we have [babies]3632-babies . ’ [He]1771-his stabs at a piece of lamb and yanks it off the fork with [his]1771-his mouth . If wanting [me]2813-john to cook for [him]1771-his was chauvinistic , then [I]2813-john have no idea what that little speech would represent . ‘[2813-john] Even if [I]2813-john ’m knackered from night feeds ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m poking . ‘[2813-john] Too tired for [me]2813-john to take [you]1774-you ? ’ [he]1771-his asks , shocked . ‘[2813-john] Yes , ’ ‘[2813-john] [We]1778-we ’ll get [a nanny]1779-a nanny , ’ [His]1771-his lamb takes another vicious stabbing , and [I]1779-a nanny mentally laugh [my]1779-a nanny socks off . ‘[1779-a nanny] But [I]2813-john ’ve got [you]1774-you . ’ [I]1774-you remind [him]1771-his . [He]1771-his sighs and drops [his]1771-his knife and fork to [his]1771-his plate . ‘[1774-you] [You]1774-you do , ’ [His]1771-his fingertips go to [his]1771-his temples and start rubbing calming circles . ‘[1774-you] [You]1774-you do have [me]2813-john , and [you]1774-you always will . ’ [He]1771-his reaches over and takes [my]1774-you hand . ‘[1774-you] Promise [me]2813-john [you]1774-you ’ll never say [I]2813-john ’m too tired , or [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] not in the mood . ’ ‘[1774-you] [You]1774-you ’re the one who tells [me]1774-you [I]1774-you ’m[1774-you] too tired ! ’ [I]1774-you practically screech . ‘[1774-you] It ’s okay for [you]1774-you to knock [me]2813-john back . ’ ‘[1774-you] That ’s because [I]2813-john have the power . ’ [he]2813-john says frankly . ‘[2813-john] Promise [me]2813-john . ’ [he]2813-john presses . ‘[2813-john] [You]1774-you want [me]2813-john to promise [you]1774-you that [I]2813-john ’m here for [you]1774-you to take as and when [you]1774-you please ? ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john looks away , only very briefly , before returning thoughtful eyes to [me]2813-john . ‘ Yes , ’[2813-john] [he]2813-john says simply . ‘ What if [I]2813-john do n’t ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m being insolent for the sake of it . [I]2813-john ’ll never be too tired for [this man]2813-john , but [his]2813-john sudden epiphany is really quite amusing . [He]2813-john should have thought about all of this before [he]2813-john nicked [my]2813-john pills . [He]2813-john laughs , and then [the arrogant swine]3735-the arrogant swine only leans back and pulls [his]2813-john t - shirt over [his]2813-john head , revealing [himself]2813-john in all of [his]2813-john clean cut perfection . [He]2813-john looks down at [his]2813-john chest , as if refreshing [his]2813-john own memory of just how incredibly flawless [he]2813-john is . [My]2813-john eyes are on that chest , too . [I]2813-john might even be salivating all over [my]2813-john lamb , but [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] defiantly resisting [his]1780-he tactics . [I]2813-john drink in [his]1780-he godliness , [my]2813-john eyes skipping over every hard piece of [him]1780-he , [my]2813-john mind making a mental note to refresh [my]2813-john mark . It ’s fading . ‘ [You]1780-he ’ll never resist this . ’[1780-he] [He]1780-he gestures to [his]1780-he torso . [My]2813-john eyes whip back up , seeing self - assured , bright greens . ‘ [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] used to it . ’ [I]2813-john rip [my]2813-john greedy stare away from the equal perfection of [his]2813-john face and back to [my]2813-john plate . [My]2813-john eyes are not happy and are pulling in [my]2813-john sockets to get another fill . ‘[2813-john] It kind of gets the same old after a while . ’ [I]1780-he add as casually as [I]1780-he can . [He]1780-he ’s on [me]1780-he in a second , pulling [me]1780-he from the table and taking [me]1780-he down to a rug on the floor . [I]1780-he do n’t get a moment to register what ’s happened until [I]1780-he ’m[1780-he] barely breathing and [he]1780-he ’s coating [me]2813-john completely . ‘ [You]306-jesse ’re[306-jesse] [a shit liar]306-jesse , [baby]306-jesse . ’ ‘[306-jesse] [I]2813-john know . ’ [I]2813-john concede . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] crap at it . ‘ Let ’s see how used to it [you]306-jesse are , shall [we]3736-we ? ’[1780-he] [He]1780-he moves [my]2813-john arms to [my]2813-john sides and sits astride of [me]2813-john , pinning [me]2813-john in place . [I]2813-john ’m immobile and suddenly very concerned by this situation . [I]306-jesse ’ve been here plenty of times before , and [most of [them]3737-most of them]3737-most of them [I]306-jesse came out the other end [a very unhappy girl]3738-a very unhappy girl . ‘[306-jesse] [Jesse]306-jesse , please do n’t . ’ [I]306-jesse beg , for very little purpose . [I]306-jesse know it will get [me]306-jesse entirely nowhere . [He]306-jesse ’s in a trampling mood , [his]306-jesse sudden realisation of how [he]306-jesse might be side - lined sparking [his]306-jesse animal instinct to stake [his]306-jesse claim , and probably mark [me]306-jesse , too . [He]306-jesse ’s like a lion . ‘[306-jesse] What ? ’ [he]306-jesse asks , despite knowing damn well what . ‘[306-jesse] [You]306-jesse ’re used to it . ’[306-jesse] [He]306-jesse ’s fully aware that [I]2813-john was feigning nonchalance . [I]2813-john ’ll never get used to it , and [I]2813-john ’m so glad . [I]2813-john ’ll look at [him]306-jesse this way , appreciate [him]306-jesse this way and become consumed with desire this way for the rest of [my]2813-john days . And [I]2813-john ca n’t wait . That desire is coursing through [my]2813-john veins right now . It ’s always lying dormant in the background , simmering gently , ready for a few right words or a touch . Then the simmering transforms into a fizzing , deep in [my]2813-john tummy , and then impatience , and then torturous pleasure until explosion , whether it ’s of the soft , rollover kind , or the mind - bending , screaming kind . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] starting to fizz now . [My]2813-john tummy muscles are squeezing and [he]306-jesse ’s probably aware because unlike previous encounters lately , [he]306-jesse ’s resting on [my]2813-john stomach . Has [he]306-jesse had enlightenment that [he]306-jesse wo n’t hurt [[his]306-jesse babies]1782-his babies , as well as being enlightened that [I]2813-john wo n’t just be [his]306-jesse anymore ? [My]2813-john current position and the relentless beat between [my]2813-john thighs is not helped when [he]306-jesse raises to [his]306-jesse knees and starts unbuttoning the fly of [his]306-jesse jeans . This is going to be painful . If [he]306-jesse ’s going to go full force into dominant [Jesse]306-jesse , then [I]2813-john want to make the most of it , and [I]2813-john have no hope of seizing the opportunity with [my]2813-john body and arms pinned down . [I]2813-john feel a yell of frustration brewing and as hard as [I]2813-john try to pull [my]2813-john insatiable eyes away from those abdominals as [his]306-jesse hands work [his]306-jesse jeans , [I]2813-john ’m failing miserably . Used to it ? Fucking ridiculous thing to claim . ‘[306-jesse] [Jesse]306-jesse , let [me]2813-john up . ’ [I]306-jesse do n’t bother wriggling because it will only tire [me]306-jesse out , and [I]306-jesse ’m[306-jesse] storing [my]2813-john energy for what [I]2813-john hope is to come . ‘ No , [Ava]536-ava . ’[306-jesse] [He]306-jesse pushes the waist of [his]306-jesse jeans down a little , revealing [his]306-jesse tight , white Armani ’s . This is getting harder . ‘ Please , ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john plead . There ’s a glint of victory sparkling from [his]306-jesse hooded eyes , even though [we]1783-we both know [he]306-jesse ’s not done yet . ‘ No , [Ava]536-ava . ’[306-jesse] [he]306-jesse repeats on a husk , slipping [his]306-jesse thumb into the waistband of [his]306-jesse boxers . [I]2813-john catch a glimpse of [his]306-jesse dark blonde mass of hair and the unmistakable taut , smooth flesh of [his]306-jesse cock . ‘ Oh God , ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john close [my]2813-john eyes in hopelessness , hating [him]306-jesse and loving [him]306-jesse all at the same time . Keeping [myself]2813-john in darkness , [I]2813-john ’m beyond mystified when [I]2813-john do n’t get the familiar bark to open . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] not mystified for long , though . Not when [I]2813-john feel movement , and then the sensation of something solid and wet slipping across [my]2813-john lips . Natural instinct kicks in and [my]2813-john lips open , but [I]2813-john do n’t get mouth penetration . This might result in [my]2813-john throwing up , but [I]2813-john ’m still praying for mouth penetration . [I]2813-john open [my]2813-john eyes to be met by [his]306-jesse stomach from where [he]306-jesse ’s dropped a hand by [my]2813-john head so [he]306-jesse ’s leaning over [me]2813-john . Glancing up to find [his]306-jesse face , [I]2813-john know what [I]2813-john ’ll discover , but it does n’t stop [me]2813-john . [I]2813-john know what look [I]2813-john ’ll find , [I]2813-john know it ’ll drive [me]2813-john insane with lust , and [I]2813-john know that [I]2813-john ’ll be able to do fuck all about it . And there it is . [[My]2813-john Lord]2765-my lord , braced on one stupidly solid arm , [his]2765-my lord obscenely addictive eyes dropped low , [his]2765-my lord sickening long lashes fanning that stunning face and with a little flick of [my]2813-john eyes , [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] staring at that stomach and chest which should be deemed a hazard . With the added bonus of [him]536-ava holding [himself]536-ava , grazing [my]2813-john lips with the broad magnificence of [his]536-ava cock , [I]2813-john ’m ruined . ‘[2813-john] Mouth . ’ [I]2813-john demand calmly . ‘[2813-john] What do [I]2813-john do to [you]2813-john , [Ava]536-ava ? ’ [he]536-ava asks , clearly confident of the answer [I]536-ava ’m[536-ava] going to give and teasing [me]2813-john with another dash of contact to [my]2813-john lips . ‘ [You]2813-john fucking cripple [me]2813-john ! ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john yell on a pointless writhe . ‘ Watch [your]2813-john fucking mouth , ’[536-ava] [he]536-ava practically groans the words out , only heightening [my]2813-john simmering state and [my]2813-john aggravation . ‘ Please ! ’[536-ava] ‘ Are [you]2813-john used to [me]536-ava ? ’[536-ava] ‘ No ! ’[536-ava] ‘ And [you]2813-john never will be . This is [our]3740-our normal , [baby]306-jesse . Get used to this . ’[536-ava] [He]536-ava slides [himself]536-ava into [my]2813-john mouth on a moan , and [I]2813-john accept willingly , elatedly , eagerly . [I]2813-john moan around [his]536-ava invasion , [I]2813-john suck , lap and bite , but [I]2813-john do n’t have full control . [He]536-ava ’s retaining the power , but [I]2813-john do n’t care . It ’s contact . ‘ Keep it gentle , [Ava]536-ava . ’[536-ava] [He]536-ava forces the words out , and [I]2813-john glance up to indulge in the strain on [his]536-ava face as [he]536-ava watches [my]2813-john mouth indulge on [his]536-ava arousal . ‘ [I]536-ava love [your]536-ava fucking mouth , [woman]536-ava . ’[536-ava] [His]536-ava free hand creeps behind [my]2813-john neck and locks on [my]2813-john nape , holding [me]2813-john in place whilst [he]536-ava gently thrusts forward , slow , evenly , deliciously . No hard necessary , but that ’s not to say [he]536-ava is n’t fulfilling [his]536-ava obligation to be dominant [Jesse]306-jesse . [He]536-ava ’s worked out the happy medium in [our]1785-our normal relationship , even if [I]2813-john have n’t , but [I]2813-john ’m beginning to get it , and [he]536-ava is doing a bloody fine job of showing [me]2813-john the way . Biting down gently mid - way up [his]536-ava steel length , the tell - tale signs of a regular throb , accompanied by the tensing on [his]536-ava legs which are securing [my]2813-john arms , give [me]2813-john all the prompt [I]2813-john need . [My]2813-john licks and strokes become more forceful , ignoring [his]536-ava demand to keep it gentle . [He]536-ava ’s going to come . [I]2813-john moan around [him]536-ava , [he]536-ava bucks on a round of explicit language , but then [he]536-ava ’s not in [my]2813-john mouth anymore . [He]536-ava ’s pushes [himself]536-ava up to [his]536-ava knees , fists [his]536-ava swollen cock and watches [me]2813-john with parted lips as [he]536-ava finishes . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] annoyed , but one of [my]2813-john favourite mental images of all time is being refreshed — the erotic , extraordinary vision of [Jesse]306-jesse working [himself]306-jesse to climax , but this time it ’s better because [he]306-jesse has just reached up and swept [his]306-jesse wet hair from [his]306-jesse face , trailing [his]306-jesse hand through [his]306-jesse dirty blonde mass , ripping the muscles of [his]306-jesse chest further . [I]2813-john nearly choke with satisfaction . Given a few more moments , [I]2813-john think [I]2813-john ’d orgasm just watching this . Holy shit , [he]306-jesse looks divine . ‘ [Jesus]306-jesse ! ’[306-jesse] [he]306-jesse barks , resting back on [his]306-jesse heels and yanking [my]2813-john vest and bra down before positioning [his]306-jesse erection between [my]2813-john breasts and spilling [his]306-jesse seed all over [my]2813-john chest . [He]306-jesse pants , sweating and wet , rolling [himself]306-jesse around , spreading [himself]306-jesse everywhere . [Marked]306-jesse . ‘ Wherever , whenever , [baby]306-jesse . ’[306-jesse] [he]306-jesse puffs , leaning down and hitting [me]2813-john with a forceful attack of [his]306-jesse lips . [I]2813-john accept this willingly , too , letting [him]306-jesse continue to take whatever [he]306-jesse wants . ‘ Fucking perfect . ’[2813-john] ‘ Hmmm , ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john hum , not needing to actually say anything . It was perfect . [He]306-jesse is perfect . ‘ Come here . ’[306-jesse] [He]306-jesse sits up , re - arranges [my]2813-john bra and top before standing and lifting [me]2813-john . [He]306-jesse carries [me]2813-john to the table , puts [me]2813-john on [my]2813-john chair and points at [my]2813-john plate . ‘ Finish [your]2813-john dinner . ’[306-jesse] ‘ [I]2813-john did n’t throw up . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john say , almost proudly . ‘ Well done . ’[2813-john] ‘ Why did n’t [you]2813-john come in [my]2813-john mouth ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ask , as [he]306-jesse buttons up [his]306-jesse fly . [His]306-jesse serious face falters , but only a little . Taking [his]306-jesse seat , [he]306-jesse nods at [my]2813-john knife and fork in a silent instruction , and then takes [his]306-jesse own . ‘ Might poison [the babies]3585-the babies . ’[306-jesse] If [I]2813-john had a mouthful of lamb , [I]2813-john ’d choke , but instead [I]2813-john splutter all over [the place]2776-the place in a helpless fit of laughter . ‘ What ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john giggle . [He]306-jesse does n’t repeat [himself]306-jesse , [he]306-jesse just winks , and [I]2813-john fall in love that little bit more . ‘ Eat [your]2813-john dinner , [lady]2813-john . ’[306-jesse] Grinning at [my]2813-john plate , [I]2813-john resume [my]2813-john meal , utterly satisfied , despite [my]2813-john lack of orgasm . [I]2813-john ’m still bubbling slightly , but [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] not concerned . ‘ What are [we]3743-we doing tomorrow ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ask . ‘ Well , [I]2813-john do n’t know about [you]1787-you , but [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] bingeing . ’ ‘[1787-you] [You]1787-you ’re keeping [me]2813-john locked up in [Paradise]41-paradise all weekend ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john do n’t mind , but it would be nice to go for a walk , perhaps , or maybe even have dinner . ‘ [I]306-jesse was n’t going to , but locks can be arranged . ’[306-jesse] [He]306-jesse slips [his]306-jesse fork into [his]306-jesse mouth and pulls off a piece of stuffed pepper slowly as [he]306-jesse looks at [me]2813-john with raised eyebrows . [I]2813-john ’m putting ideas in [his]306-jesse head . There ’s no comeback from [me]306-jesse . [I]306-jesse just widen [my]306-jesse grin , consumed with happiness as [I]306-jesse continue [my]306-jesse attempts to finish [my]306-jesse meal . ‘[306-jesse] [God]306-jesse , [I]2813-john love that fucking grin . Show [me]2813-john . ’ [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] not grinning now . [I]2813-john ’m smiling properly , and [he]306-jesse blesses [me]2813-john with [his]306-jesse one reserved only for [me]2813-john , twinkling eyes and all . ‘[2813-john] Happy ? ’ [I]2813-john ask . ‘[2813-john] Fucking delirious . ’ Chapter 24 [I]2813-john know that [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] smiling in [my]2813-john sleep . [I]2813-john do n’t even need to open [my]2813-john eyes to grasp [my]2813-john bearings . The cool sea breeze wafting in from the open doors , the mix of salty sea air and that pungent perfume is all the reminder [I]2813-john need . Both of those aromas , though , do n’t overpower [my]2813-john most favourite scent in [the world]2908-the world that ’s embedded in every fibre of the crisp cotton sheets that [he]1789-he ’s slept in . But [he]1789-he ’s not in the bed . Opening [my]2813-john eyes , the first thing [I]2813-john see is a ginger biscuit , some folic acid and a glass of water . [I]2813-john smile , collecting the pills and swallowing with the water before munching [my]2813-john way through the biscuit . [I]2813-john shuffle to the edge of the bed and do n’t bother with underwear or clothes . [We]1790-i ’re alone on [a deserted beach]3744-a deserted beach , and [I]1790-i have n’t forgotten [his]1789-he demand for [me]1790-i to come down to breakfast just like this every morning , except now [I]1790-i can without the worry of [Cathy]1284-cathy arriving . So [I]1790-i take [my]1790-i naked form out into the main part of [the villa]1759-the villa to seek out [[my]1790-i Lord]2765-my lord , but after a few moments of searching , [no Lord]2765-my lord . [I]1790-i notice the voile at the doors of [the living area that lead to [the veranda]3710-the veranda]3710-the veranda are flapping as the light wind gusts through , so [I]1790-i fight [my]1790-i way through the mass of moving material until [I]1790-i ’m[1790-i] on the wooden veranda and taking a deep inhale of fresh air . Perfect . It ’s early because the sun is low , but the heat is intense , only slightly weakened by the breeze which is whipping [my]2813-john hair all over [my]2813-john face . [I]2813-john fight to secure it in a loose , messy knot and once [my]2813-john vision is clear , [I]2813-john see [him]1791-he in the distance . [He]1791-he ’s running , and [he]1791-he ’s running in loose shorts , no t - shirt and [no trainers]1792-no trainers . [I]2813-john lean on the wooden balustrade and happily watch [him]1791-he get closer and closer , [his]1791-he muscular frame shimmering under the morning sun . [He]1791-he could be a mirage . ‘ Morning , ’[1791-he] [I]2813-john chirp when [he]1791-he ’s a few yards away , sweating and actually a little out of breath . This is unusual . [He]1791-he ’s a robot when running , never displaying any signs of fatigue or over exertion . [He]1791-he grabs a towel that ’s draped over a railing and starts rubbing [himself]1791-he on a smile . ‘ Good morning , indeed . ’[1791-he] [His]1791-he eyes travel down [my]2813-john nakedness , which is only slightly concealed by the posts that [I]2813-john ’m standing behind . ‘[2813-john] How do [you]1793-you feel ? ’ [I]2813-john have a quick think and do a bodily assessment , concluding that [I]2813-john feel perfect . [I]2813-john do n’t feel sick at all . ‘[2813-john] Fine . ’ ‘[2813-john] Good , ’ [he]1791-he approaches [the pavilion]3748-the pavilion and looks up at [me]2813-john . ‘[2813-john] Give [me]2813-john a kiss . ’ [I]1793-you lean over and peck [his]1791-he lips , [his]1791-he signature smell enhanced by the clean sweat riddling is body . ‘[1793-you] [You]1793-you ’re soaked . ’[1793-you] ‘ That ’s because it ’s fucking hot . ’[1791-he] [He]1791-he pulls away . ‘ Breakfast ? ’[1791-he] [He]1791-he asks it as a question , but [he]1791-he does n’t mean it as a question . If [I]2813-john say no , then without question , [I]2813-john ’d be growled at and possibly hauled in and force fed . ‘ [I]2813-john ’ll make [you]1793-you breakfast . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john start walking across [the veranda]2813-john , towards [[our]1795-our bedroom]1796-our bedroom . ‘ Where are [you]1793-you going ? ’[1791-he] [he]1791-he calls after [me]2813-john . ‘ To put something on . ’[1791-he] ‘ Hey ! ’[1791-he] [he]1791-he shouts , and [I]2813-john turn to see a face awash with disgust . ‘ Get [your]1793-you naked arse in [that kitchen]1206-that kitchen , [lady]2813-john . ’[2813-john] ‘ Excuse [me]2813-john ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john laugh . ‘ [You]1793-you heard . ’[1791-he] [He]1791-he ’s looking at [me]2813-john expectantly , daring [me]2813-john to defy [him]1791-he . [I]2813-john look down at [my]2813-john bareness and sigh . [He]1791-he wo n’t be making such demands when [I]2813-john ’m fit to burst . [I]1791-he ’ll put [him]1791-he off [his]1791-he food , but for now , [I]1791-he ’m[1791-he] comfortable in [my]2813-john skin and [he]1791-he ’s clearly comfortable looking at it , so [I]2813-john retrace [my]2813-john steps and enter [the villa]1759-the villa , via the doors to [the kitchen]3044-the kitchen , receiving a swift slap of [my]2813-john backside as [I]2813-john pass [Jesse]306-jesse . * * * If [our]1799-our normal is [me]2813-john preparing and eating breakfast with both of [us]1799-our butt naked , then [I]2813-john love [our]1799-our normal . If [our]1799-our normal is taking three hours to get ready because [neither one of [us]1799-our]294-neither one of us can keep [our]1799-our hands off each other , then [I]2813-john really love [our]1799-our normal . If [our]1799-our normal is [me]2813-john putting on a summer dress and being looked at like [I]2813-john ’ve totally lost [my]2813-john mind , then [I]2813-john ’m not so keen on [our]1799-our normal . ‘[2813-john] Think again , [lady]2813-john . ’ [He]2813-john rummages through [my]2813-john clothes , cursing and scoffing to [himself]2813-john as [he]2813-john assesses and tosses each of [my]2813-john beach dresses aside . ‘[2813-john] [You]2813-john ’ve done this on purpose . ’ ‘[2813-john] It ’s hot . ’ [I]2813-john laugh , standing in the centre of [the room]254-the room in [my]2813-john lace , watching as [Jesse]306-jesse actually loses [his]306-jesse own mind . ‘[2813-john] But Christ , [Ava]536-ava ! ’ [He]306-jesse holds up a strapless playsuit with very short shorts . ‘[536-ava] [You]2813-john said [I]2813-john have great legs . ’ [I]2813-john argue . ‘[2813-john] Yes , [you]2813-john have great fucking everything , but that does n’t mean [I]2813-john want [everyone]2825-everyone to know it . ’ [He]306-jesse chucks the playsuit aside and grabs a long , floaty black dress with spaghetti straps . ‘[2813-john] [My]2813-john eyes . ’ [he]306-jesse affirms . ‘[2813-john] Just for [my]2813-john eyes . ’ ‘[2813-john] What the hell is wrong with [you]2813-john ? ’ [I]2813-john snatch the dress from [his]306-jesse hands . ‘[2813-john] [You]2813-john were fine with the gown at the anniversary party and [my]2813-john denim shorts . ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john was n’t fine at all . [I]2813-john made an exception , but [I]2813-john saw the way [men]262-men were looking at [you]2813-john . ’ Is [he]306-jesse winding [me]262-men up ? ‘[262-men] [I]2813-john see how [women]253-women look at [you]2813-john ! ’ ‘[2813-john] Yes , and could [you]2813-john imagine how [they]253-women ’d look at [me]2813-john if [I]2813-john was prancing around half naked ? ’ [He]306-jesse nods at the dress . ‘[2813-john] [You]2813-john can wear that . ’ ‘[2813-john] [You]2813-john ’re often shirtless . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john point out . ‘ [You]2813-john do n’t see [me]2813-john rugby tackling [you]2813-john to the floor to conceal [your]2813-john body . Lighten up ! ’[2813-john] ‘ No ! ’[2813-john] [he]2813-john yells . [Our]1805-our scowls are in competition , but [his]2813-john has definitely got the edge . ‘ [You]2813-john ’re[2813-john] unreasonable . ’ [I]2813-john spit . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m wearing what [I]2813-john like . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john chuck the black dress at [him]2813-john and retrieve [my]2813-john dusky pink , halter neck summer dress , stepping in and pulling it up [my]2813-john body . [He]2813-john watches [me]2813-john violently yanking the dress on . ‘ Why do [you]2813-john do this to [me]2813-john ? ’[2813-john] [he]2813-john asks , impatiently . ‘ Because it ’s unreasonable for [you]2813-john to think that [you]2813-john can dictate [my]2813-john wardrobe , that ’s why . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john knot the dress behind [my]2813-john neck and smooth it down , ignoring the low , rumbling growl emanating from [[my]2813-john unreasonable Lord]1806-my unreasonable lord . [I]2813-john ’ll never back down on this element of [our]1807-our normal relationship . ‘ It ’s not so bad . ’[2813-john] ‘ [You]2813-john ’re[2813-john] too fucking beautiful . ’ [he]2813-john mutters sullenly . [I]2813-john smile and slip [my]2813-john feet into [my]2813-john flip - flops . ‘[2813-john] But [I]2813-john ’m [[your]2813-john beautiful girl]2813-john , [Jesse]306-jesse . ’[2813-john] ‘ [You]2813-john are . ’[2813-john] [he]2813-john replies quietly . ‘ [Mine]306-jesse . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john take a calming breath and step into [his]2813-john chest . ‘ [No one]548-no one will ever take [me]2813-john away from [you]2813-john . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john do n’t know how many times [I]2813-john have to tell [him]2813-john . [I]2813-john know this a fear , but [I]2813-john also know [his]2813-john problem is [the army of [naked women who have paraded around [him]2813-john naked for the most part of [his]2813-john life]1809-naked women who have paraded around him naked for the most part of his life]1808-the army of naked women who have paraded around him naked for the most part of his life . [He]2813-john does n’t want [men]262-men to look at [me]2813-john like [they]262-men look at those women — the way [Jesse]306-jesse looked at [those women before [me]2813-john]1811-those women before me . ‘ [I]2813-john know , ’[2813-john] [he]2813-john sighs . ‘ But is it necessary to pick the tiniest dress on [the fucking planet]541-the fucking planet ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john kiss [his]2813-john cheek . ‘ [You]2813-john ’re[2813-john] over exaggerating . ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john do n’t think [I]2813-john am . ’ [he]2813-john grumbles , pushing [his]2813-john freshly shaved cheek into [my]2813-john lips . ‘[2813-john] Can [we]1812-we compromise ? ’ ‘[1812-we] Compromise how ? ’ [I]72-mrs ward ask . [He]2813-john squats and picks up a cardigan , and [I]72-mrs ward start shaking [my]72-mrs ward head . ‘[72-mrs ward] No way , [Ward]72-mrs ward . [I]2813-john ’ll pass out . ’ Making a ridiculously over - the - top point of demonstrating [his]2813-john exasperation , [he]2813-john drops it and rises from [his]2813-john squatting position . ‘[2813-john] Fine , but [I]2813-john wo n’t be held accountable if [some prick]1813-some prick looks at [you]1814-me funny . ’ [I]2813-john stare at [him]2813-john a little perplexed as [he]2813-john stands in front of [me]2813-john , looking all fresh and yummy in [his]2813-john heavy board shorts and white Ralph Lauren polo t - shirt , collar turned up , [Jesse]306-jesse style . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john have to deal with the funny looks that [you]1814-me get daily . ’ [He]2813-john grins . ‘[2813-john] Yes , and [you]1814-me trample all over them . ’ [I]1814-me laugh and make [my]1814-me way from [the room]254-the room . ‘[1814-me] [My]2813-john trampling ritual is a little milder than [yours]1815-yours . ’ * * * Paradise just gets better . Whilst letting [Jesse]306-jesse have [his]306-jesse way by keeping [me]1814-me locked up at [the villa]1759-the villa was really very tempting , [I]1814-me wanted to explore with [him]306-jesse , walk along holding hands , have lunch and be together in another way . It ’s not happened very often since [we]3755-we ’ve found [each other]3052-each other and though [he]306-jesse had a little sulk about it , [I]1814-me know [he]306-jesse ’s taken pleasure from [me]1814-me in another way today . [His]306-jesse arm around [my]1814-me shoulder has kept [me]1814-me snuggly tucked into [him]306-jesse and when [we]3755-we ate at [a beach bar]3757-a beach bar , [he]306-jesse made [me]1814-me sit closely next to [him]306-jesse so [he]306-jesse could keep [his]306-jesse contact . It ’s dusk by the time [we]3755-we ’re[1814-me] bumping down [the pot holed road]1816-the pot holed road , back to [the villa]1759-the villa . The familiar fragrance hits [my]2813-john nose as [we]1818-we slip through the wooden gates and drive down the cobbled road beneath the canopy of green and white . ‘ Have [you]306-jesse had a nice day ? ’[1819-he] [he]1819-he asks , shutting the engine off and looking at [me]2813-john almost hopefully . ‘ [I]1819-he have , thank [you]306-jesse . Have [you]306-jesse ? ’[1819-he] ‘ [I]1819-he ’ve had the best day , [baby]306-jesse . But now [I]1819-he get to pick what [we]3755-we do for the rest of the evening . ’[1819-he] [He]1819-he unclips [my]2813-john belt and leans across to open the door for [me]2813-john . ‘ Out . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john follow through on [his]1819-he order , ejecting [myself]2813-john from the soft leather . ‘ What are [we]3755-we doing ? ’[2813-john] ‘ [We]3755-we ’re[1819-he] going to play a game . ’ [He]1819-he ’s on [my]2813-john side of [the car]709-the car now , looking down at [me]2813-john with a crafty , raised brow . ‘[2813-john] What sort of game ? ’ [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] too curious , and it ’s obvious . ‘ [You]2813-john ’ll see . ’[2813-john] [My]2813-john hand is grasped , and [I]2813-john ’m led to [the villa]663-the bedroom . ‘[2813-john] Meet [me]2813-john on the rug in [the lounge]663-the bedroom . ’ [he]1819-he instructs , dropping a kiss on [my]2813-john bewildered face and leaving [me]2813-john like a loose part by the front door . Where ’s [he]1819-he going ? [My]2813-john frowning face watches [his]1819-he back disappear out of [the room]663-the bedroom towards [the bedroom]663-the bedroom , and with little else to do , except follow through on [his]1819-he instruction , [I]2813-john drop [my]2813-john bag and make [my]2813-john way over to the designated rug , sitting [myself]2813-john down in the soft , thick , pile . [My]2813-john curious mind is racing , but not for long . [He]1819-he reappears shuffling a pack of cards . ‘[2813-john] [We]1821-we ’re playing cards ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ask , trying not to sound disappointed . ‘ Yes , ’[2813-john] [His]2813-john short , simple reply is an indication that [we]1821-we will , indeed , be playing cards , no matter how much [I]2813-john protest . Cards ? ‘ Would n’t [you]2813-john rather binge on [me]2813-john ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john try temptress tactics , with little confidence . [I]2813-john know when [I]2813-john ’m going to win , and now is n’t going to be one of those times . [He]1819-he eyes [me]1821-we warily as [he]1819-he lowers [his]1819-he arse to the rug , leaning up against the back of the couch with [his]1819-he long legs spread at full length in front of [him]1819-he . ‘[1821-we] [We]1821-we ’ll play strip poker . ’ [I]1821-we ’m[1821-we] promptly fidgeting in [my]2813-john seated position . ‘ [I]2813-john do n’t know how to play poker . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’ll lose , but is that such a bad thing ? ‘ It wo n’t be a fair game if [I]2813-john do n’t know how to play . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john decide that it will be a bad thing . [He]1822-he ’s smug , and [I]2813-john want to wipe that cocky look clean from [his]1822-he face . [My]2813-john competitive side has just raced to the surface . ‘ Okay , ’[1822-he] [he]1822-he says slowly , shuffling carefully to match [his]1822-he thoughtful word . ‘ How about pontoon ? ’[1822-he] [He]1822-he must catch [my]2813-john confused face because [he]1822-he smiles a little . ‘ Twenty one ? Stick , twist , burn ? ’[1822-he] [I]2813-john look at [him]1822-he blankly . ‘ Nope , sorry . [I]2813-john have no idea what [you]1822-he ’re[2813-john] talking about . ’ [I]2813-john stretch [my]2813-john legs out and lean back on [my]2813-john hands . ‘[2813-john] Snap ? ’ [He]1822-he laughs , that head thrown back , fanning temples laugh — the one [I]2813-john adore . ‘[2813-john] Snap ? ’ ‘[2813-john] Yes , [I]2813-john ’m really fast . ’[2813-john] ‘ [Ava]536-ava , let ’s save snap for when [the babies]3585-the babies arrive . ’[1822-he] [He]1822-he chuckles to [himself]1822-he and deals [us]1823-us two cards each . ‘ Okay , [I]1824-the banker ’m[1824-the banker] [the banker]1824-the banker and [you]1825-you need to take a look at [your]1825-you cards . ’ [I]1824-the banker shrug and pick [them]3585-the babies up , noting a ten and a six . ‘[1824-the banker] Okay . ’ ‘[1824-the banker] What do [you]1825-you have ? ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m not telling [you]1825-you ! ’[1822-he] [He]1822-he rolls [his]1822-he eyes . ‘ [We]1823-us ’ll call this a trial run . Tell [me]1822-he what [you]1825-you have . ’[1822-he] [I]2813-john hold [my]2813-john cards to [my]2813-john chest . ‘ A ten and a six . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john say suspiciously . ‘ Sixteen , then ? ’[2813-john] ‘ [You]1825-you add them together ? ’[1822-he] [He]1822-he ’s going to regret this . [He]1822-he might be already . ‘ Yes , [you]1825-you add [them]1823-us together . ’[1822-he] ‘ Right . In that case , [I]2813-john have sixteen . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john flash [him]1822-he [my]2813-john cards . [He]1822-he nods [his]1822-he acknowledgment . ‘ So [the winner]3761-the winner is the one who is the closest to twenty one when [all players]3762-all players have made [their]3762-all players move . ’[1822-he] ‘ What moves ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john restrain [my]2813-john grin when [he]1822-he flops [his]1822-he head back , looking up at the ceiling in exasperation . ‘ The moves [I]536-ava ’m[536-ava] about to explain , [Ava]536-ava . ’ ‘[536-ava] Oh , okay . Explain away . ’ [His]1822-he head comes back down and [he]1822-he blows out a tired breath . [He]1822-he ’s definitely regretting this . [I]536-ava bet [he]1822-he ’s wishing [he]1822-he ’d have opted for bingeing . ‘[536-ava] Right . [You]1826-you have sixteen and [you]1826-you need to get as close to twenty one as possible , without going bust . Bust means over twenty one . Got it ? ’ ‘[2813-john] Got it . ’ ‘[2813-john] Good . With a total of sixteen , [you]1826-you should twist , which means [I]2813-john deal [you]1826-you another card . Got it ? ’ ‘[2813-john] Got it . ’ [He]2813-john pushes another card towards [me]2813-john , and [I]2813-john pick it up stealthily , like [he]2813-john does n’t already know what [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] holding in [my]2813-john hand . ‘ What have [you]1826-you got ? ’[2813-john] [he]2813-john asks . ‘ [A king]3763-a king . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m not [a card genius]3764-a card genius , but [I]2813-john know that makes [me]2813-john bust . [I]2813-john throw [my]2813-john cards on the floor . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john did n’t want to twist . ’ ‘[2813-john] [You]1826-you ca n’t stick on sixteen , [Ava]536-ava . ’ ‘[536-ava] But at least [I]2813-john would n’t be bust ! ’ ‘[536-ava] No , but it ’s likely [I]2813-john ’ll beat sixteen , so [you]1826-you may as well risk it . ’ [He]2813-john turns [his]2813-john own cards over , revealing a jack and [a queen]3765-a queen . ’[536-ava] ‘ Twenty , ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john confirm quickly . ‘ Correct . And [I]2813-john ’ll stick , so [I]2813-john win . ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john gathers the cards back up and starts shuffling them again . ‘ Get it ? ’[2813-john] ‘ Oh , [I]72-mrs ward ’m[72-mrs ward] gon na whoop [your]1826-you arse , [Ward]72-mrs ward . ’ [I]72-mrs ward rub [my]72-mrs ward hands together and make [myself]72-mrs ward comfortable . [He]2813-john smiles at [my]72-mrs ward competiveness , probably thinking that [I]72-mrs ward ’m[72-mrs ward] deluded . After all , [Jesse Ward]306-jesse is amazing at everything . ‘ [We]3766-we need to talk about stakes , [baby]306-jesse . ’[306-jesse] ‘ [I]1826-you ’m[1826-you] not hungry , thank [you]1826-you . [You]1826-you ’ve fed [me]2813-john enough today . ’ [His]306-jesse head falls back again as [he]306-jesse laughs really hard . [I]1826-you ’m[1826-you] trying to keep a serious face , but [I]2813-john so love [him]306-jesse when [he]306-jesse laughs . ‘ [I]306-jesse mean what [we]1827-we ’re[306-jesse] playing for . ’ [His]306-jesse green eyes land on [me]306-jesse . ‘[306-jesse] [God]306-jesse , [I]2813-john fucking love [you]1826-you . ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john know . What are [we]1827-we playing for ? ’ [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] liking this game more and more . ‘ How many items of clothing do [you]1826-you have on ? ’[306-jesse] [His]306-jesse eyes run the full length of [my]2813-john body , as if [he]306-jesse ’s mentally working it out . Playing cards does n’t seem so bad now . ‘ Three . Dress , bra and knickers . Oh , and shoes , so five . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john point to [my]2813-john flip - flops . ‘ Take the flip - flops off . ’[306-jesse] [he]306-jesse commands . ‘ [I]306-jesse have two . ’[306-jesse] [He]306-jesse pulls at [his]306-jesse t - shirt and [his]306-jesse shorts . ’ ‘[306-jesse] What about [your]1826-you boxers ? ’ ‘[1828-they] [They]1828-they were too much of an obstruction . ’ [he]306-jesse flips casually , dealing [us]1828-they two cards each . [I]1828-they absolutely know where this is going . No obstructions . ‘[1828-they] [The first one naked]1829-the first one naked loses , ’ [he]306-jesse grins at [me]3761-the winner . ‘[3761-the winner] [The winner]3761-the winner takes the power . ’ [I]3761-the winner gasp at [his]306-jesse amused expression . ‘[3761-the winner] What happened to wherever , whenever ? ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m being reasonable . ’[306-jesse] [He]306-jesse shrugs , nodding at [my]2813-john cards . ‘ Do n’t push it . [I]306-jesse could always withdraw [my]306-jesse offer of potential power . ’[306-jesse] [I]2813-john snatch [my]2813-john cards up carefully and hold [them]1828-they close to [my]2813-john face . [He]306-jesse ’s as confident as ever , giving [me]2813-john an extra item of clothing . ‘ There is nothing reasonable about bargaining for the power in [our]3767-our relationship . ’[306-jesse] [I]2813-john glance down at [my]2813-john cards , seeing two sevens . ‘ [I]306-jesse ’ll twist . ’[306-jesse] [He]306-jesse slides a card over to [me]2813-john , maintaining [his]306-jesse grin . ‘ It ’s all part of [our]3767-our normal , [lady]2813-john . There [you]2813-john go . ’[306-jesse] ‘ Thank [you]2813-john . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john reply politely , pulling [my]2813-john card from the floor and placing it with [my]2813-john others . It ’s an eight . [I]2813-john dramatically huff and toss them between [us]1831-us . ‘ Bust . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john grumble . [He]306-jesse smiles and turns [his]306-jesse own cards over , revealing a Jack and a nine . ‘ [I]306-jesse think [I]306-jesse ’ll stick . ’[306-jesse] [he]306-jesse muses . ‘ [You]306-jesse lose . ’[306-jesse] [I]2813-john shake [my]2813-john head as [I]2813-john watch [him]306-jesse put the cards down and slowly crawl towards [me]2813-john , [his]306-jesse eyes burning into [mine]2813-john with rapt intention . [My]2813-john heartbeat is quickening at the sight of [his]306-jesse prowling frame nearing , and when [he]306-jesse ’s up close , [he]306-jesse slowly raises [his]306-jesse hands to the back of [my]2813-john neck . ‘ Let ’s lose the dress . ’[306-jesse] [he]306-jesse whispers , pulling the straps free of the knot . ‘ Up [you]3768-you get . ’[306-jesse] [I]2813-john force [myself]2813-john to stand when all [I]2813-john want to do is collapse onto [my]2813-john back and let [him]306-jesse take [me]2813-john right now . [He]306-jesse can keep the power . [I]2813-john do n’t want it . Ever . [I]2813-john watch with lust filled eyes as [he]306-jesse grasps the hem of [my]2813-john dress and lifts it up over [my]2813-john head , standing as [he]306-jesse rises and chucking it onto the couch when it ’s separated from [my]2813-john body . Leaning into [my]2813-john ear , [he]306-jesse bites [my]2813-john lobe . ‘ Lace . ’[306-jesse] [he]306-jesse murmurs , blowing a soft stream of hot air onto [my]2813-john skin . [I]2813-john tense , despite [my]2813-john best efforts not to , and just like that , [he]306-jesse leaves [me]2813-john standing like a built up bag of desire and resumes position on [his]306-jesse arse . ‘ Sit . ’[306-jesse] [I]2813-john close [my]2813-john eyes and collect [my]2813-john senses . [I]2813-john need to be strong because this really is a game to [him]306-jesse . [I]2813-john sit back down in [my]2813-john lace and like the complete temptress that [I]2813-john am , [I]2813-john spread [my]2813-john legs wide and lean back on [my]2813-john hands . If [he]306-jesse ’s going to play games , then so am [I.]2813-john ‘ Deal again , [Lord]3769-lord . ’[2813-john] The knowing smile that creeps across [his]306-jesse handsome face indicates [his]306-jesse awareness . [His]306-jesse temptress is living up to [her]1832-her reputation . [He]306-jesse deals the cards , [I]2813-john cautiously look , and then immediately declare [my]2813-john intention to stick . [He]306-jesse nods thoughtfully and turns [his]306-jesse own cards over . [He]306-jesse has a nine and [a Queen]3765-a queen . ‘ Stick . ’[306-jesse] [He]306-jesse looks at [me]2813-john , and [I]2813-john grin , chucking [[my]2813-john two Kings]1834-my two kings down cockily before making [my]2813-john way over on [my]2813-john hands and knees . [I]2813-john straddle [his]306-jesse thighs and take the hem of [his]306-jesse t - shirt . ‘ Lose the t - shirt . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john whisper , pulling it up . [He]306-jesse lifts [his]306-jesse arms willingly , and [I]2813-john throw it behind [him]306-jesse , sighing and leaning in to kiss [his]306-jesse chest . ‘ Hmmm , hard . ’[306-jesse] [I]2813-john grind [myself]2813-john into [his]306-jesse lap wickedly , instigating a sharp intake of breath from [him]306-jesse , but then [I]2813-john remove [myself]2813-john from [his]306-jesse lap and resume [my]2813-john position across the rug . ‘ Deal . ’[2813-john] It ’s quite obvious [he]306-jesse ’s fighting the urge to tackle [me]2813-john to the rug . [I]2813-john can tell from the discreet adjusting of [his]306-jesse groin area and the vicious biting of [his]306-jesse lip . [He]306-jesse ’s really concentrating , and [I]2813-john ’m really loving it . The view is improving with each hand [I]306-jesse win , too . Just one more , and [he]306-jesse ’s [mine]306-jesse , power and all . [He]306-jesse deals again , and [I]306-jesse sweep [my]306-jesse cards up , quickly calculating a total of fourteen . ‘[306-jesse] Twist , please . ’ [I]306-jesse gesture for [him]306-jesse to pass a card . A two . Total : sixteen . Crap , [I]306-jesse really do n’t know what to do now . ‘[306-jesse] Stick . No twist ! ’ [He]306-jesse goes to pass [me]306-jesse another card on a smile . ‘[306-jesse] No ! No , [I]2813-john ’ll stick . ’ [I]2813-john wave away the card , and [his]306-jesse smile turns into a grin . ‘[2813-john] Indecisive ? ’ [he]306-jesse asks , taking [his]306-jesse leaning body back upright , putting way too much emphasis on that chest . [I]2813-john blink back [my]2813-john peeping eyes , determined not to lose [my]2813-john concentration . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] not being distracted , but it ’s hellish resisting the urge to steal a look . Or even just gawp at it . ‘ No , [I]306-jesse ’m[306-jesse] sticking . ’ [I]306-jesse affirm snootily . ‘[306-jesse] Okay , ’ [He]306-jesse ’s desperately fighting a smile as [he]306-jesse turns [his]306-jesse cards over . ‘[306-jesse] Hmmm , sixteen . ’ [he]306-jesse muses . ‘[306-jesse] What to do ? ’ [I]1835-i shrug . ‘[1835-i] [Your]1835-i call . ’ [I]1835-i do n’t reinforce [his]306-jesse words from [our]3770-our trial run . [I]1835-i ’m[1835-i] dying to , but [I]2813-john do n’t . [I]2813-john want to see how [Mr Amazing]306-jesse at everything plays this one . ‘ [I]306-jesse ’ll twist . ’[306-jesse] [he]306-jesse says , turning a card over . [I]2813-john do n’t know how , but [I]2813-john manage to keep a straight face when [he]306-jesse reveals [a six]1836-a six . ‘ Oh dear . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john whisper , taking [my]2813-john eyes from [his]306-jesse cards , up [his]306-jesse torso , [his]306-jesse neck , and then onto [his]306-jesse lovely face . ‘ [You]306-jesse risked it . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john chuck [my]2813-john cards at [him]306-jesse — the ones that collectively total sixteen . ‘ [I]306-jesse did n’t . Lose the shorts . ’[306-jesse] [He]306-jesse examines [my]2813-john cards on a faint curve of [his]306-jesse lips , shaking [his]306-jesse head . ‘ [You]306-jesse beat [me]306-jesse , [baby]306-jesse . ’[306-jesse] ‘ [I]2813-john have the power . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john start crawling [my]2813-john way over to [him]306-jesse , not wanting to delay getting [my]2813-john hands on [him]306-jesse . That was the longest card game ever . ‘ How do [you]306-jesse feel about that ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john un - zip the fly of [his]306-jesse shorts . [He]306-jesse does n’t try to stop [me]2813-john . [He]306-jesse pushes [his]306-jesse back into the couch to raise [his]306-jesse butt so [I]2813-john can negotiate them down [his]306-jesse thighs . With the revealing of [his]306-jesse arousal , [I]2813-john struggle to contain [myself]2813-john . ‘ [I]306-jesse ’ll ask [you]306-jesse the same question . ’[306-jesse] [he]306-jesse rumbles , low , throatily and with one hundred per cent sex in [his]306-jesse tone . ‘ [I]306-jesse feel powerful . ’[306-jesse] [I]2813-john throw [his]306-jesse shorts over [his]306-jesse head and take the pack of cards from [his]306-jesse hand , placing them neatly to one side . [He]306-jesse reaches forward and rubs [his]306-jesse thumb over [my]2813-john bottom lip , dragging it , [his]306-jesse lips parting [his]306-jesse eyes flicking to [mine]2813-john . ‘ What has [my]306-jesse little temptress got planned ? ’[306-jesse] [I]2813-john should push [his]306-jesse hand away , but [I]2813-john do n’t . ‘ [She]3771-she ’s going to surrender the power . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john whisper , placing [my]2813-john hands on [his]306-jesse thighs and reaching up until [we]1837-we ’re touching noses . ‘[1837-we] What does [my]2813-john God say to that ? ’ [He]0-my beautiful girl smiles , that glorious smile . ‘[2813-john] [[Your]2813-john God]0-my beautiful girl says [his]0-my beautiful girl temptress has learnt well . ’ [His]0-my beautiful girl big hands curl around [my]2813-john wrists and pull [my]2813-john hands up to rest on [his]0-my beautiful girl shoulders . ‘[2813-john] [[Your]2813-john God]0-my beautiful girl says [his]0-my beautiful girl temptress wo n’t regret surrendering to [him]0-my beautiful girl . ’ [His]0-my beautiful girl lips press to [mine]2813-john , and [his]0-my beautiful girl tongue takes a slow sweep through [my]0-my beautiful girl mouth . ‘[0-my beautiful girl] But [this God]0-my beautiful girl and [his]0-my beautiful girl temptress both know how [our]1837-we normal relationship works . ’ [He]0-my beautiful girl cups [me]0-my beautiful girl over [my]0-my beautiful girl lace knickers and rests [his]0-my beautiful girl forehead on [mine]2813-john . ‘[0-my beautiful girl] And it works perfectly . ’ [I]2813-john go rigid , but bear down on [his]0-my beautiful girl palm to get some friction . ‘[2813-john] [You]2813-john ’re perfect . ’[2813-john] [My]2813-john lips find [his]0-my beautiful girl and [my]2813-john hands automatically seek out [his]0-my beautiful girl hair . [I]2813-john ’m yanking at it again . [I]2813-john just ca n’t help it . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john know . ’ [he]0-my beautiful girl mumbles around [my]2813-john demanding lips , sliding [his]0-my beautiful girl hands around [my]2813-john waist and onto [my]2813-john bum . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john thought [you]2813-john surrendered the power . ’ [I]2813-john could n’t stop if [my]2813-john life depended on it , and [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] mentally praying on all things holy that [he]0-my beautiful girl does n’t stamp [his]0-my beautiful girl authority because [I]2813-john ’m desperate , craving , needing . ‘[2813-john] Please do n’t stop [me]2813-john . ’ [I]0-my beautiful girl ’m[0-my beautiful girl] completely unashamed , still driving [my]2813-john tongue into [his]0-my beautiful girl mouth . [He]0-my beautiful girl groans , pulling [me]2813-john into [him]0-my beautiful girl and showing no sign of halting this . [He]0-my beautiful girl ’s letting [me]2813-john have [my]2813-john way with [him]0-my beautiful girl . ‘ [You]0-my beautiful girl know [I]0-my beautiful girl ca n’t say no to [you]0-my beautiful girl . ’[0-my beautiful girl] ‘ Yes , [you]0-my beautiful girl can . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john argue between firm , deep lashes of [my]2813-john tongue , although [I]2813-john ’m stupid to remind [him]0-my beautiful girl of this right now . [He]0-my beautiful girl often says no , when [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] tired or if [he]0-my beautiful girl ’s really trampling [me]2813-john . ‘ Not now . ’[0-my beautiful girl] [He]0-my beautiful girl ’s standing with [me]2813-john wrapped around [him]0-my beautiful girl , and [I]2813-john do n’t even know it ’s happened . [I]2813-john ’m too consumed , but when the cool night air attacks [my]2813-john bare back , [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] pulling [myself]2813-john into [his]0-my beautiful girl body , holding tighter and kissing harder . [My]2813-john brain is n’t given any space to think about where [we]1839-i ’re going . [I]1839-i do n’t care . The rushing sound of the night waves gently lapping at [the shore line]3772-the shore line is the first thing [I]1839-i hear . Then [I]1839-i smell the salty essence of [the Mediterranean]40-the mediterranean . There ’s a chill in the air , but the warmth of [his]0-my beautiful girl body fit snuggly to [mine]1839-i eliminates any discomfort . [I]1839-i ’m[1839-i] burning up , and [I]2813-john do n’t think even [the Antarctic]1840-the antarctic would cool [me]2813-john off . The wooden sleepers are taken with care as [he]1840-the antarctic carries [me]2813-john down to [the sea]1590-the sea ’s edge , but [he]1840-the antarctic does n’t take [me]2813-john into the water . [He]1840-the antarctic kneels and places [me]2813-john down on the soft , damp sand , ensuring [our]1839-i lips remain locked the entire time . [My]2813-john hands are wandering all over [his]1840-the antarctic muscular frame , [my]2813-john legs are writhing beneath [him]1840-the antarctic , and [I]2813-john ’m fast losing [my]2813-john breath , [my]2813-john laboured breathing not helped when a gentle wave gushes up and breaks around [my]2813-john sprawled body , surrounding [me]2813-john in [a shallow puddle of cool , salty sea water]3773-a shallow puddle of cool , salty sea water . [My]2813-john shocked , quiet yelp is n’t containable , [my]2813-john fingernails dig into [his]1840-the antarctic biceps and [my]2813-john back arches to try and escape the freshness , [my]2813-john lace covered breasts pushing into [his]1840-the antarctic bare chest . [My]2813-john burnt up state has instantly cooled . ‘[2813-john] Shhhh . ’ [he]1840-the antarctic calms [me]2813-john , ‘[2813-john] hush now . ’ [His]1840-the antarctic soft words relax [me]1840-the antarctic in an instant . [I]1840-the antarctic do n’t know how or even why , [I]1840-the antarctic ’m[1840-the antarctic] still cold , but [he]1840-the antarctic never fails to soothe [me]2813-john . [He]1840-the antarctic kisses [his]1840-the antarctic way into [my]2813-john neck , biting and sucking before [he]1840-the antarctic ’s kissing [his]1840-the antarctic way across [my]2813-john face again . ‘ [I]1840-the antarctic love [you]1840-the antarctic . ’[1840-the antarctic] [he]1840-the antarctic whispers . ‘ [I]1840-the antarctic fucking love love love [you]1840-the antarctic . ’[1840-the antarctic] [My]2813-john heart bursts . ‘ [I]1840-the antarctic know . ’[1840-the antarctic] [My]2813-john mouth skims [his]1840-the antarctic . ‘ [I]1840-the antarctic know [you]1840-the antarctic do . Make love to [me]1840-the antarctic . ’[1840-the antarctic] It ’s what [we]1842-we need to do right now . No fucking . No hard . Just love . ‘ [I]1840-the antarctic never planned on doing anything else . ’[1840-the antarctic] [He]1840-the antarctic ’s pulling at [my]2813-john lace and pushing [my]2813-john knickers down [my]2813-john legs . ‘ [We]1842-we ’ll call this one sleepy twilight sex . ’[1840-the antarctic] [My]2813-john hands are sliding up [his]1840-the antarctic arms until [my]2813-john palms are cupping [his]1840-the antarctic cheeks . [His]1840-the antarctic face is perfectly clear to [me]2813-john , despite the blackness surrounding [us]1842-we . Sleepy twilight sex may be a new favourite . ‘ Deal . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john murmur , shifting [my]2813-john legs to assist in the removal of [my]2813-john underwear . [His]1840-the antarctic arm slips under the small of [my]2813-john back and lifts [me]2813-john a little so [he]1840-the antarctic can access the back of [my]2813-john bra . It ’s removed with one hand and slid down [my]2813-john arms where [I]2813-john leave it suspended between [my]2813-john two wrists that refuse to release [his]1840-the antarctic face . [I]2813-john want to keep [my]2813-john lips on [his]1840-the antarctic , the gentle caressing of [his]1840-the antarctic tongue on [mine]2813-john sending [me]2813-john right to [the highest level of [Central Jesse Cloud Nine]306-jesse]1843-the highest level of central jesse cloud nine . [My]2813-john nipples pucker further , tingling with coolness but mostly with desire . And then [he]1840-the antarctic ’s pulling [his]1840-the antarctic face from [my]2813-john hands on a moan and rearing back . [He]1840-the antarctic studies [me]2813-john for a few moments before sinking into [me]2813-john meticulously , thoroughly , perfectly , halting when [he]1840-the antarctic ’s only half submerged . [His]1840-the antarctic face is unreadable , but those greens are telling a whole other story . [They]1844-they are seeping into the deepest part of [me]2813-john . [They]1844-they are spilling with awe and devotion . ‘ All the way ? ’[1840-the antarctic] [he]1840-the antarctic asks , so quietly [I]2813-john almost do n’t hear [him]1840-the antarctic above the light rush of waves . [I]2813-john nod and tip [my]2813-john hips , quietly impatient . [My]2813-john alluring ploy works . [He]1840-the antarctic inhales a shaky breath and quickly lifts [me]2813-john when another wave creeps up on [us]1845-us . [I]2813-john cry out at the coldness again , but [his]1840-the antarctic sudden full penetration is more of the cause . [He]1840-the antarctic ’s holding [me]2813-john against [him]1840-the antarctic as the water recedes , [my]2813-john cheek pressed to [his]1840-the antarctic throat , and then [I]2813-john ’m on [my]2813-john way back down to [the sand]371-the sand . [My]2813-john hands find [their]371-the sand place on [his]1840-the antarctic shoulders and [his]1840-the antarctic forearms find [their]371-the sand place on either side of [my]2813-john head . And [we]1847-we just look at each other . This in itself is beyond pleasurable . [He]1840-the antarctic ’s completely filling [me]2813-john , and [I]2813-john can feel [him]1840-the antarctic pulsating . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] even contracting around [him]1840-the antarctic , but [neither one of [us]1847-we]294-neither one of us has any urgent need to hurry this along . It ’s chilly , [we]1847-we ’re both wet , but [we]1847-we ’re[1840-the antarctic] perfectly happy . Nothing around [us]1847-we exists , just how [we]1847-we like it . ‘ Do [you]306-jesse want [me]1840-the antarctic to move ? ’[1840-the antarctic] [he]1840-the antarctic drops [his]1840-the antarctic mouth to [mine]1848-mine . ‘ Tell [me]1840-the antarctic what [you]306-jesse want , [baby]306-jesse . ’[1840-the antarctic] ‘ Just [you]306-jesse . However [you]306-jesse come . ’[1840-the antarctic] ‘ [I]1840-the antarctic come with uncontrollable love for [you]306-jesse . Is that good enough ? ’[1840-the antarctic] It ’s more than good enough . [I]2813-john kiss [him]1840-the antarctic instead of answering [him]1840-the antarctic , but [he]1840-the antarctic pulls away , [his]1840-the antarctic heavy , hooded eyes looking for a verbal reply . ‘ It ’s good enough . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john accept on a quiet sigh , feeling like [I]2813-john ’ve probably just sanctioned [his]1840-the antarctic challenging ways . But it is good enough . ‘ [I]1840-the antarctic ’m[1840-the antarctic] glad . ’ [He]1840-the antarctic rocks [his]1840-the antarctic hips upwards , drawing a quiet intake of breath from [me]1849-you and strained neck muscles from [him]1840-the antarctic . ‘[1849-you] [You]1849-you feel so fucking good . [I]2813-john do n’t know how [I]2813-john ever survived without this . [I]2813-john existed , [Ava]536-ava . [I]2813-john did n’t live . ’ [He]1840-the antarctic pulls gradually out and pushes lazily back into [me]2813-john , pressing [his]1840-the antarctic lips to [mine]2813-john to capture [my]2813-john small cry of pleasure , mixed with more coldness as another wave surprises [me]2813-john . ‘[2813-john] Now [I]2813-john live . And it ’s only for [you]1849-you . ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john understand . ’ [I]2813-john say around [his]1840-the antarctic mouth , because [I]2813-john know that ’s [his]1840-the antarctic next question . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john understand all of that . ’ ‘[2813-john] Good . [I]2813-john need [you]1849-you to , ’ Out and in again , and there ’s a sigh and tensing from both of [us]1850-our . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john love [our]1850-our normal . ’ [I]2813-john smile , and squirm beneath [him]1840-the antarctic on another meticulous plunge . [Our]1850-our normal . [I]2813-john love [our]1850-our normal , too . [Our]1850-our normal is [Jesse]306-jesse loving [me]2813-john so violently , it drives [him]1840-the antarctic crazy . It ’s [me]2813-john returning that love . And it ’s [me]2813-john accepting [him]1840-the antarctic in all of [his]1840-the antarctic challenging ways . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] so over it . [I]2813-john ’m not even feeling the coolness of [the sea]1590-the sea lapping around [me]2813-john now . Desire is coursing through [my]2813-john veins , heating [my]2813-john skin , and [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] grabbing on to every drive with every muscle [I]2813-john possess . [I]2813-john equal [his]2813-john passion with [my]2813-john own , kissing [him]2813-john and feeling [him]2813-john , yanking at [his]2813-john hair and moaning . [He]2813-john ’s swaying those hips back and forth so precisely , so evenly , that each thrust is hitching [me]2813-john steadily closer to climax . The softness of [his]2813-john tongue exploring every part of [my]2813-john mouth and the hard velvet of [his]2813-john cock sliding in and out of [me]2813-john is utter ecstasy , as always . [I]2813-john let [my]2813-john displeasure be known when [he]2813-john breaks [our]1851-our mouth contact , but [he]2813-john ignores [me]2813-john , pulling back to study [me]2813-john while [he]2813-john maintains [his]2813-john pace . ‘ [I]2813-john need to see [you]2813-john , ’[2813-john] [he]2813-john breathes . ‘ [I]2813-john need to see those eyes smoulder when [you]2813-john come for [me]2813-john . ’[2813-john] ‘ [Jesse]306-jesse , ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m panting . [He]2813-john wo n’t have to wait very long at all . The switch is flicking , courtesy of [[my]1852-my Lord]2765-my lord and [his]2813-john expert way with [me]1852-my . Knowing [I]1852-my ’ll get chastised if [I]1852-my close [my]1852-my eyes , [I]1852-my work hard to resist the temptation of throwing [my]1852-my head back and clenching them shut . It ’s hard when [he]2813-john ’s doing this to [me]1852-my . [He]2813-john lifts [his]2813-john upper body and braces [himself]2813-john on [his]2813-john fists . ‘[1852-my] [She]1852-my ’s close . ’ [he]2813-john observes quietly . ‘[536-ava] Control it , [Ava]536-ava . Do n’t make [me]2813-john stop . ’ [He]2813-john increases [his]2813-john pace , never allowing [his]2813-john eyes to leave [mine]2813-john . ‘[2813-john] Please , do n’t stop . ’ [My]2813-john hands find [their]3778-their way to [his]2813-john arse and grab on hard , pushing [him]2813-john into [me]2813-john . ‘[2813-john] [You]1853-i know what to do , then . ’ [He]536-ava circles firm and deep , almost purposely making this more difficult for [me]1853-i . [I]1853-i bite back a cry , mustering up all of [my]1853-i strength to delay the inevitable until [he]536-ava ’s ready . This calls for deep , controlled breaths , so [I]1853-i swallow hard and begin a sequence of breath regulating exercises . [He]536-ava knows that [I]1853-i ’m[1853-i] struggling . [He]536-ava knows because there is a faint shimmer of a knowing smile looking down at [me]2813-john , and [he]536-ava ’s firming up [his]536-ava strokes . [His]536-ava biceps are bulging , too , indicating a shifting of [his]536-ava fists in the sand where [he]536-ava ’s trying to gain more leverage to torment [me]2813-john with [his]536-ava punishing love making . And [God]306-jesse does [he]536-ava succeed . Every single time it just gets better and better . [I]2813-john ’m lying under [him]536-ava , soaking up [his]536-ava attentiveness , biting harshly on [my]2813-john lip , and [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] sizzling , bubbling , dying to let go . Through [my]2813-john wild sensuality , [I]2813-john ’m searching for any sign that [he]536-ava may be close [himself]536-ava , and [I]1854-i begin to despair when [I]1854-i find nothing , but then [his]536-ava greens disappear behind [his]536-ava eyelids , only very briefly , and [his]536-ava hips jerk . [He]536-ava ’s struggling . Fearful that [he]536-ava might slow to gather [himself]536-ava , [I]1854-i quickly wrap [my]1854-i legs around [his]536-ava waist and use every leg muscle [I]1854-i own to push [him]536-ava into [me]1854-i . It ’s [his]536-ava downfall . [He]536-ava hisses , bucks again , and [I]1854-i shout [my]1854-i appreciation , moving [my]1854-i hands to [his]536-ava forearms and gripping hard . ‘[1854-i] [You]1854-i little … FUCK ! ’ [His]536-ava head flies back and [his]536-ava smooth pace rapidly advances into firmer strokes . [I]1854-i take the opportunity of [his]536-ava gaze away from [mine]1854-i to squeeze [my]1854-i eyes shut . [I]1854-i hold [my]1854-i breath , too . ‘[1854-i] Eyes ! ’ [My]2813-john darkness was brief . [My]2813-john lids are open again , and [they]3779-they are looking at a damp , hard face of frustration . Frustration that [he]536-ava ca n’t control it . ‘[2813-john] Fucking hell , [lady]2813-john . ’ [he]536-ava pants . ‘[2813-john] [You]1854-i want to come ? ’ ‘[1854-i] Yes ! ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john know . ’ [He]536-ava pistons into [me]2813-john , yells explicitly , time and time again , and then [he]536-ava barks ‘[2813-john] Come . ’ And [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] besieged , [my]2813-john whole body going into meltdown as it ’s attacked with violent shakes and is palpitating from the consistent bursts of release that just keep coming and coming and coming . [I]2813-john ’m heated completely , [his]536-ava cum flooding [me]2813-john as [he]536-ava stills , moaning and grinding . [His]536-ava breathing is sharp . [My]2813-john breathing is challenged . [He]536-ava ’s still braced on [his]536-ava arms and [he]536-ava ’s sweating profusely , while [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] rolling [my]2813-john head from side to side , almost disorientated from the intensity of [my]2813-john climax . ‘ [You]1856-me made [me]1856-me lose control , [Ava]536-ava . ’[1856-me] [he]1856-me huffs down at [me]2813-john . ‘ Damn it , [woman]536-ava [you]536-ava fucking send [me]1856-me crazy . ’[1856-me] [My]2813-john arms fall above [my]2813-john head into [the wet sand]1857-the wet sand , immediately noting another receding puddle of water , not that [my]2813-john body feels it . [I]2813-john ’m scorching hot . ‘[1858-i] [You]1858-i wo n’t hurt [them]1859-them . ’ [I]2813-john insist on a gasp . [He]536-ava shakes [his]536-ava head , like [he]536-ava ’s also all disorientated , before [he]536-ava slides from within [me]2813-john and falls to [his]536-ava forearms , taking [my]2813-john nipple between [his]536-ava lips . [I]2813-john barely register the heat of [his]536-ava mouth locked round [me]2813-john . ‘[2813-john] That feels nice . ’ [I]2813-john sigh , finally closing [my]2813-john eyes for a reasonable length of time while [he]536-ava feasts on [my]2813-john breasts . ‘[2813-john] Just keep doing that . ’ ‘[2813-john] [You]1858-i taste so good , ’ [he]536-ava mumbles , latching onto the area where [I]1858-i know [my]1858-i mark to be and sucking deeply . [I]1858-i happily leave [him]536-ava to [his]536-ava own devices while [I]1858-i concentrate on stabilising [my]1858-i breathing and racing heartbeat , but [I]1858-i ’m[1858-i] still burning up . ‘ Take [me]2813-john into the water . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john pant . ‘ [I]2813-john need to cool off . ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john shakes [his]2813-john head and releases [my]2813-john breast to look up at [me]2813-john . ‘ No can do , [lady]2813-john . ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john goes back to [my]2813-john chest with no more of an explanation . ‘ Why ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john press . Each of [my]2813-john nipples are kissed before [he]2813-john brings [his]2813-john face up close to [mine]2813-john . [His]2813-john eyes are sparkling pools of mischievousness . ‘ It might freeze [the babies]3585-the babies . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john do n’t laugh , but [I]2813-john do grin . ‘ It will not ! ’[2813-john] [My]2813-john hair is pushed from [my]2813-john face and [his]2813-john hands creep up [my]2813-john arms until [his]2813-john fingers lace through [mine]2813-john above [my]2813-john head . ‘ How do [you]1860-you know for sure ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john lift [my]2813-john head , just to get [my]2813-john lips on [him]2813-john , the crazy , lovable arse . ‘ Even if that were true , which it is n’t , right now [my]2813-john current body temperature is off the charts , so [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] probably roasting [[your]1860-you babies]1414-your babies as [we]1862-we speak . ’ [He]2813-john gasps in an obviously dramatic display of horror and jumps up , pulling [me]2813-john to [my]2813-john feet . ‘[2813-john] Fucking hell , [lady]2813-john . [We]1862-we need to cool [you]2813-john off . ’ [He]2813-john throws [me]173-ouch up onto [his]2813-john shoulder and slaps [my]173-ouch arse . ‘[173-ouch] [Ouch]173-ouch ! ’ [I]173-ouch laugh , delighting in [his]2813-john playfulness . ‘[173-ouch] Go slow so [I]2813-john can get used to it . ’ ‘[173-ouch] Oh no . ’ [He]2813-john wades in quickly , leaving [me]173-ouch fearing the worst . ‘[173-ouch] [We]1862-we do n’t have time to fuck about . [We]1862-we ’re at risk of having a pair of [well - done babies]3781-well - done babies . ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john grabs [my]2813-john hips , instigating a yelp and a wriggle , but [he]2813-john has a firm grip of [me]2813-john . [I]2813-john ’m held above [him]2813-john with [my]2813-john hips resting on [his]2813-john big palms , [my]2813-john hands on [his]2813-john shoulders , and [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] looking down at a crafty face that ’s trying to be serious . [I]2813-john ’m grinning so much , [my]0-my beautiful girl cheeks are aching . ‘[0-my beautiful girl] Hello up there , [beautiful girl]0-my beautiful girl . ’ ‘[174-hi] [Hi]174-hi , ’ [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] bracing [myself]2813-john . [I]2813-john know what ’s coming , or [I]2813-john hope [I]2813-john know what ’s coming . [He]2813-john loses [his]2813-john battle and blisters [my]2813-john skin with [his]2813-john smile , bending [his]2813-john arms and lowering [me]2813-john to plant a hard kiss on [my]2813-john lips . ‘ Goodbye [[my]2813-john beautiful girl]0-my beautiful girl . ’[2813-john] [His]2813-john powerful arms straighten fast , and [I]2813-john ’m launched into the black air on a squeal , [my]2813-john legs and arms flailing everywhere in deranged delight . [I]2813-john hit the water , still screaming , but quickly get stifled by the water as [I]2813-john go under . The dull muffle of frantic activity in the water surrounding [me]2813-john is definitely not just [my]2813-john doing , so [I]2813-john kick [my]2813-john legs urgently and work [my]2813-john way to the surface , emerging on a gasp and quickly doing a three sixty turn to look for [him]2813-john . [He]2813-john ’s nowhere to be seen and apart from [my]2813-john fitful inhalations , it ’s deathly silent . [I]2813-john freeze as best [I]2813-john can , limiting [my]2813-john legs to a calm paddling beneath [me]2813-john . Damn it , where is [he]2813-john ? Silent swells of water ripple away from [me]2813-john , and [I]2813-john ca n’t work out if it ’s [me]2813-john causing the stir in the water , or something in the depths below — something tall , lean and beautiful , something that can hold its breath for a bloody long time . [I]2813-john do n’t know why , but [I]2813-john hold [my]2813-john breath , too , silently deliberating on [my]2813-john next move . Do [I]2813-john remain still and silent , or do [I]2813-john make a dash for [the shore]3782-the shore ? Dash , remain , dash , remain . [I]2813-john release the stored air from [my]2813-john lungs . ‘[2813-john] Shit , shit , shit . ’ [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] totally torn , [my]2813-john heart racing as [I]2813-john battle [my]2813-john indecisiveness , but then [I]2813-john hear a splash behind [me]2813-john and with no instruction at all , [my]2813-john legs kick into action . [I]2813-john swim like [my]2813-john life depends on it , like [Jaws]175-jaws [himself]175-jaws is in pursuit of [me]2813-john . [I]2813-john ’m squealing like [a girl]1637-a girl , too . ‘[2813-john] Oh fuck ! ’ [I]2813-john yelp , piercing the night time air with [my]2813-john filthy mouth , as [my]2813-john ankle is grasped and [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] pulled under . [I]2813-john ’m a rolling mass of wild arms and legs , probably kicking and punching [him]175-jaws , but [I]2813-john ca n’t control it . It serves [him]175-jaws right , anyway . [My]2813-john fright has turned into a little anger now , and [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] batting at the hands that are grasping at [me]2813-john . [My]2813-john eyes keep getting attacked with salt every time [I]2813-john attempt to open them , and [my]2813-john lungs are going to explode . And now [his]175-jaws head in between [my]2813-john thighs . [I]2813-john break the surface and immediately release the air in [my]2813-john lungs on a furious shout . ‘ [Jesse]306-jesse ! ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m on [his]175-jaws shoulders being carted out of [the sea]1590-the sea , [his]175-jaws arms locked over [my]306-jesse shins on [his]175-jaws chest . ‘[306-jesse] What ’s up , [baby]306-jesse ? ’ [He]175-jaws ’s not even panting . ‘[306-jesse] [You]306-jesse ! ’ [My]306-jesse hands smack [his]175-jaws head a few times before [I]306-jesse swoop down and grab [his]175-jaws chin , yanking [his]175-jaws head up . ‘[306-jesse] Let [me]2813-john see [you]306-jesse . ’ [I]306-jesse spit aggressively . [He]306-jesse laughs . ‘[306-jesse] Hello . ’ ‘[306-jesse] [You]306-jesse ’re a menace . ’[306-jesse] [He]306-jesse seems to find [his]306-jesse feet with no effort , rising from the water like some kind of otherworldly creature . ‘ [You]306-jesse love [me]306-jesse . ’[306-jesse] [he]306-jesse tells [me]2813-john confidently . [I]2813-john lean down , but [I]2813-john ca n’t reach [him]306-jesse . ‘ [I]2813-john want to kiss [you]306-jesse . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john whine . ‘ [I]2813-john know [you]306-jesse do . ’[2813-john] In a stealthy set of coordinated moves , [I]2813-john ’m whipped from [his]306-jesse shoulders and laying across [his]306-jesse arms in a nanosecond . ‘[2813-john] And now [you]306-jesse can . ’ This grin feels like a permanent fixture on [my]2813-john face , and [his]306-jesse sparkling eyes are deeply set and showing no sign of fading . [We]3785-we ’re[2813-john] so happy . [Laidback Jesse]52-jesse is full - on and drowning [me]2813-john in lust and roguishness . [Central Jesse Cloud Nine]306-jesse does n’t get any better than this . Chapter 25 [I]2813-john could get so very used to this . [I]2813-john could lay every morning and stretch happily , feel the breeze all over [my]2813-john nakedness and wander out onto [the veranda]3710-the veranda to admire [[my]2813-john God]2944-my god from a distance , running the curve of [the bay]1868-the bay . [I]2813-john could prepare [him]2944-my god breakfast , despite the fact that [I]2813-john absolutely hate cooking , and [I]2813-john could sit naked at the table while [he]2944-my god demolishes it with constant hums of approval around [his]2944-my god fork before plunging [his]2944-my god finger into a jar of peanut butter , which [I]2813-john ’m sure [he]2944-my god packed because it ’s [Sun - Pat]374-patrick . [I]2813-john could open [my]2813-john mouth when instructed so [he]2944-my god can feed [me]2813-john , and [I]2813-john could reach over and just stroke [his]2944-my god bare , sun kissed chest because [I]2813-john feel like it . [I]2813-john could puddle on the chair when [he]2944-my god winks and yanks [me]2813-john over onto [his]2944-my god lap to ravish [me]2813-john , and then continue with [his]2944-my god breakfast with one hand while [he]2944-my god holds [me]2813-john with the other , offering forkfuls of salmon to [me]2813-john . [I]2813-john could slip into [my]2813-john bikini within the privacy of Paradise , receiving no look of horror or demand to put something more substantial on , and go for a swim in the giant freshness of [[the villa]1759-the villa ’s pool]3787-the villa ’s pool . [I]2813-john could be pulled out by [my]2813-john hand and dried off , then wrapped up and taken to the shower , where [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] soaped down and served in every shower time way possible . Every shower time way possible … and a little more . [I]2813-john could get very , very used to this . It ’s [our]1869-our last day in Paradise , and [I]2813-john ’m feeling a little forlorn . It ’s [our]1869-our last day of indulging solely in each other , with none of the distractions or issues that are all currently waiting for [us]1869-our in [London]3-london . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] sitting on the bed with tissue wedged between [my]2813-john toes and a bottle of bright pink nail polish in [my]2813-john hand . It ’s gone noon . [We]1869-our ’ve spent all morning doing all of [our]1869-our normal , and [I]2813-john ’m now prepping and preening for an afternoon down at [the port]3788-the port and a twilight dinner . [I]2813-john do n’t want to go [home]2904-home . [I]2813-john want to stay in [Paradise]41-paradise forever , just [me]2813-john and [Jesse]306-jesse . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john thought [we]1869-our agreed no more nail painting and hunting down scarce whiskey ? ’ [I]2813-john look up , seeing [Jesse]306-jesse performing the mundane task of rubbing [his]306-jesse dirty blonde mass of wet hair with a towel , but it ’s not so mundane when [Jesse]306-jesse is doing it . Nothing [this man]306-jesse does is dull or ordinary . [I]2813-john lean back on [my]2813-john pillow and savour the delightful view . [He]306-jesse ’s naked . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] dribbling . ‘ [I]2813-john need to paint [my]2813-john toenails . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john shake the bottle and unscrew the lid . ‘ It wo n’t take long , and [I]2813-john do n’t need to do [my]2813-john hands . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john wave [my]2813-john already dried pink fingernails at [him]306-jesse . [He]306-jesse saunters over and crawls up the bed until [he]306-jesse ’s sitting on [his]306-jesse knees by [my]2813-john feet . ‘ Let [me]306-jesse . ’[306-jesse] The towel gets laid across [his]306-jesse thighs and [he]306-jesse takes [my]2813-john foot in [his]306-jesse strong hands . ‘ [You]1871-my manly husband want to paint [my]306-jesse toes ? ’[306-jesse] [I]2813-john ask , a little amused at [[my]2813-john manly husband]1871-my manly husband taking on such a girly task . [He]306-jesse flicks [me]2813-john an indifferent look , clearly not bothered to be tending to [[his]306-jesse wife]79-irene to this extent . The nail polish is taken from [my]2813-john hand and [my]2813-john foot positioned on the towel so that [he]306-jesse may carry out [his]306-jesse self - appointed duty . ‘ [I]306-jesse may as well get some practice in . ’[306-jesse] [he]306-jesse informs [me]2813-john , straight - faced and all matter - of - fact . ‘ [You]306-jesse wo n’t be able to reach [them]3790-them soon . ’[306-jesse] [My]2813-john foot lashes out on reflex , jabbing [him]306-jesse straight in [his]306-jesse stomach , not that it has the desired effect . [He]306-jesse grins down at [his]306-jesse lap and re - positions [my]2813-john foot . ‘ [I]306-jesse do n’t want to go [home]2904-home . ’[306-jesse] [I]2813-john say quietly . ‘ [Me]306-jesse either , [baby]306-jesse . ’[306-jesse] [He]306-jesse does n’t seem shocked to hear it , like [he]306-jesse has read [my]2813-john mind , or clearly has been thinking the exact same thing . [He]306-jesse gives [my]2813-john big toenail a stroke down the centre with the brush , then one on each side . ‘ When can [we]3792-we come back ? ’[306-jesse] [I]2813-john ask , watching as [his]306-jesse concentration frown emerges . It makes [me]2813-john smile , momentarily forgetting [my]2813-john dispiriting thoughts . ‘ [We]3792-we can come back whenever [you]3793-you like . Just say the word , and [I]306-jesse ’ll put [you]3793-you on [that plane]3794-that plane . ’[306-jesse] [He]306-jesse wipes across the flesh at the base of [my]2813-john nail and sits back to observe [his]306-jesse handiwork . It ’s not bad at all , considering [his]306-jesse big hands and the tiny brush . [He]306-jesse looks up at [me]2813-john . ‘ Have [you]3793-you had a nice time ? ’[306-jesse] [he]306-jesse asks on a smile , knowing all too well that [I]2813-john have . ‘ Paradise . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john muse , resting [my]2813-john head back . ‘ Continue . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john nod at [my]2813-john foot in [his]306-jesse lap . [His]306-jesse eyes narrow playfully . ‘ Yes , [[my]306-jesse lady]0-my beautiful girl . ’[306-jesse] ‘ [Good boy]0-my beautiful girl , ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john sigh dreamily , relaxing into the pillow . ‘ What happens when [we]3796-we get [home]2904-home ? ’[306-jesse] [He]306-jesse continues with the painting of [my]2813-john nails , not giving [my]2813-john question the acknowledgment it deserves . Something needs to be done , preferably by [the police]1873-the police , not [Steve]134-steve . While [Jesse]306-jesse evacuating [me]2813-john from [the country]2854-the country was a welcome escape , [I]2813-john also know it was to maintain [his]306-jesse sanity . [He]306-jesse ca n’t hide [me]2813-john in Paradise forever , although [I]2813-john know [he]306-jesse does n’t think that [his]306-jesse ambitious intention is irrational at all , and if [he]306-jesse keeps up this mood and relaxed persona , neither will [I.]2813-john ‘ What happens is that [you]3798-you ’ll go to work and finally fulfil [your]3798-you promise to enlighten [[Patrick]374-patrick of [Mikael]74-mikael]374-patrick . ’[306-jesse] [He]306-jesse tosses an expectant look , which [I]2813-john ignore . ‘ Do [you]3798-you think [Mikael]74-mikael stole [[your]3798-you car]709-the car ? ’[306-jesse] ‘ [I]306-jesse have no fucking clue , [Ava]536-ava . ’[306-jesse] [He]306-jesse places [my]2813-john foot down and picks up the other . ‘ [I]306-jesse ’m[306-jesse] dealing with it , so do n’t worry [your]1875-your pretty little head . ’ ‘[1875-your] How are [you]1875-your dealing with it ? ’ [I]2813-john ca n’t help the question . [I]2813-john really want to know because something tells [me]2813-john that like most of [Jesse]306-jesse ’s ways , it wo n’t be conventional . As [I]2813-john knew [I]2813-john would , [I]2813-john get landed with a warning look , and [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] mindful that by pushing this , [I]2813-john may very well get tossed off [Central Jesse Cloud Nine]306-jesse before [we]1876-we arrive back in [London]3-london . [I]2813-john soak up [his]306-jesse reproachful look for a few moments , not backing down or wiping the expectant look from [my]2813-john face , and yet [I]2813-john know [I]2813-john wo n’t be given a satisfying reply . [I]2813-john ’ve already quietly accepted that , and [I]2813-john ’ve also already mentally agreed not to pursue it . ‘ End of . ’[306-jesse] [he]306-jesse says simply , and [I]2813-john know it really is . So [I]2813-john relax and let [him]306-jesse finish the intricate task of painting [my]2813-john toenails as [I]2813-john silently appreciate both [his]306-jesse attentiveness and the fact that [he]306-jesse ’s scrunched over , leaning down close to carry out [his]306-jesse task , yet there is not a roll of fat on that stomach , whatsoever . ‘ [You]2813-john ’re[306-jesse] done . ’ [he]306-jesse declares , screwing the lid back on . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m even amazing at this . ’[2813-john] There is no humour in [his]306-jesse tone . [I]2813-john pull [my]2813-john feet up and lean over to take a look , half expecting to see a set of pink coloured feet , but no . [Jesse]306-jesse is , indeed , amazing at painting toenails as well as everything else , except cooking . ‘ Not bad , ’[306-jesse] [I]2813-john flip casually , feigning the wiping of some stray polish that is n’t even there . ‘ Not bad ? [I]306-jesse ’ve done a better job than [you]2813-john ’d ever do , [lady]2813-john . ’[306-jesse] [He]306-jesse jumps up from the bed . ‘ [You]2813-john ’re[306-jesse] so lucky to have [me]2813-john . ’ [I]306-jesse scoff . ‘[306-jesse] Are [you]2813-john not lucky ? ’ [I]2813-john ask incredulously . [He]306-jesse ’s such an arrogant arse . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m luckier . ’[306-jesse] [He]306-jesse winks , and [I]2813-john ’m speedily dragged from [my]2813-john offended state on a sigh . ‘[2813-john] Come on , [lady]306-jesse . Let ’s go exploring . ’ * * * [We]1878-we pull off [a roundabout]3800-a roundabout and up to a security gate that leads down to [a port]3788-the port . [Jesse]306-jesse lowers [his]306-jesse window and flashes a plastic card at a screen and the gate opens instantly , allowing [him]306-jesse to drive through . ‘[306-jesse] Where are [we]1878-we ? ’ [I]306-jesse ask , edging forward in [my]306-jesse seat to look down [the road]577-the road ahead . ‘[306-jesse] This is [The Port]3788-the port , [baby]306-jesse . ’ [He]306-jesse proceeds at a crawl and turns onto [a pedestrianized area]3802-a pedestrianized area , [people]2834-people mechanically moving to make way , not giving [the DBS]150-the dbs a second glance . [I]306-jesse would ’ve thought this strange , but [I]306-jesse quickly register the dozens of [prestigious cars]3804-prestigious cars , all parked in [bays]3805-bays along the front . And not just [the odd Merc or BMW]3806-the odd merc or bmw . [I]306-jesse ’m[306-jesse] looking at rows of [Bentleys]177-bentleys , [Ferraris]178-ferraris and even another [Aston Martin]127-aston martin , [all screaming billionaires]1880-all screaming billionaires . [These people]2905-these people are quite clearly used to ridiculously expensive cars , but [my]2813-john attention is speedily drawn from the row of expensive vehicles when [I]2813-john clock the rows and rows of boats . No , not [boats]1882-boats . These are [yachts]1883-yachts . ‘ Fucking hell . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john whisper as [Jesse]306-jesse slips into [an empty bay]1884-an empty bay and turns the ignition off . ‘ [Ava]536-ava ! Please , watch [your]536-ava fucking mouth . ’[306-jesse] [He]306-jesse heaves a tired breath and gets [himself]306-jesse out of [the car]709-the car , making [his]306-jesse way around to [my]2813-john side . [I]2813-john ’m stuck in [my]1886-you seat , astounded by the bright whiteness of [many huge floating mountains on [the marina]3808-the marina]3807-many huge floating mountains on the marina . ‘[1886-you] Out [you]1886-you get . ’ [I]2813-john absentmindedly eject [myself]2813-john with the assistance of [Jesse]306-jesse ’s hand while keeping [my]2813-john eyes on [the boats]3809-the boats . [I]2813-john ca n’t even find words . But then [I]2813-john do . ‘[2813-john] Please do n’t tell [me]2813-john [you]1886-you own one of those . ’ [I]2813-john look at [him]306-jesse with wide eyes . [I]2813-john do n’t know why [I]2813-john sound so shocked . [This man]306-jesse is beyond wealthy , but [a yacht]3810-a yacht ? [He]306-jesse smiles and slips [his]306-jesse shades on . ‘[2813-john] No , [I]2813-john sold it many years ago . ’ ‘[2813-john] So [you]1886-you did have [one]1887-one ? ’ ‘[1887-one] Yes , but [I]2813-john did n’t have a fucking clue how to sail the stupid thing . ’ [He]306-jesse takes [my]1887-one hand and leads [me]1887-one away from [the car]709-the car , towards [a pathway where [we]3813-we ’re[1887-one] safe from [moving vehicles]1888-moving vehicles]3812-a pathway where we ’re safe from moving vehicles . ‘ Why did [you]1886-you buy it in the first place then ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ask , looking up at [him]1889-he , but [he]1889-he just shrugs [my]2813-john question off and points out across [the sea]1590-the sea . ‘ Over there is [Morocco]179-morocco . ’[1889-he] [I]2813-john follow the direction of [his]1889-he hand , but all [I]2813-john see is open water . [He]1889-he ’s trying to divert [my]2813-john enquiring mind . ‘ Lovely , ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john say with lashings of sarcasm , just so [he]1889-he knows that [I]2813-john know [his]1889-he ploy . [I]2813-john ’m drawing [my]2813-john own conclusions on Paradise and big yachts , but as [I]2813-john ’ve reminded [myself]2813-john before , [Jesse]306-jesse ’s past is exactly that . ‘[2813-john] Sarcasm does n’t suit [you]2813-john , [lady]2813-john . ’ [He]1889-he pulls [me]2813-john under [his]1889-he arm and makes a meal of biting at [my]2813-john ear . ‘[2813-john] What would [you]2813-john like to do ? ’ ‘[2813-john] Let ’s mooch about . ’ ‘[180-mooch] [Mooch]180-mooch ? ’ ‘[180-mooch] Yes , mooch . ’ [I]180-mooch repeat , looking up at an amused expression . ‘[180-mooch] Like browse , peruse , mooch about . ’ [He]180-mooch smiles down at [me]180-mooch , almost fascinated . ‘[180-mooch] Okay . [I]2813-john feel another [Camden]181-camden coming on . ’ ‘[181-camden] Yes , exactly like [Camden]181-camden , but [no funny sex shops]1892-no funny sex shops . ’ [I]181-camden finish quietly . Now [he]180-mooch ’s laughing . ‘[181-camden] Oh , there are [plenty of funny sex shops on [the back streets]1894-the back streets]1893-plenty of funny sex shops on the back streets . Want to see ? ’ ‘[2813-john] No , [I]2813-john do n’t . ’ [I]2813-john grumble , reflecting back to [our]3814-our very own little pole dancing treat by that demented , leather clad , dominatrix type . [I]2813-john inwardly gasp . A Sarah type . Holy shit , [she]1895-you looked just like [Sarah]60-sarah , minus the whip , instead playing with a pole . [Sarah]60-sarah may very well have a pole , who knows , but [my]2813-john sudden comprehension is overshadowing the similarities of [the women]983-the women . ‘[2813-john] [You]1895-you did n’t find that attractive , did [you]1895-you ? ’ [I]1895-you do n’t need to elaborate . [He]180-mooch knows what [I]1895-you ’m[1895-you] referring to . [My]2813-john chin is grasped and pulled to face [him]1895-you . ‘ [I]2813-john ’ve told [you]1895-you before . There ’s only one thing that turns [me]2813-john on , and [I]2813-john love [her]60-sarah in lace . ’[2813-john] ‘ Good . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john say quietly , because [I]2813-john do n’t know what else to say . [He]1895-you ’s probably made the Sarah connection , too , and even though [Sarah]60-sarah more or less confirmed [Jesse]306-jesse ’s aversion to [her]60-sarah leather clad arse , [I]2813-john needed to hear it for [myself]2813-john and from [him]1895-you . [He]1895-you kisses [my]2813-john forehead and takes a deep breath into [my]2813-john hair . ‘ Come on , [Mrs Ward]72-mrs ward . Let ’s mooch . ’[1895-you] * * * [I]2813-john ’m thoroughly fed - up of mooching by the time [we]1897-we ’re[2813-john] back on [the marina front]1896-the marina front , and [I]2813-john know [Jesse]306-jesse has humoured [me]2813-john to within an inch of [his]306-jesse life , insisting on buying everything that [I]2813-john picked up or looked at in a bid to reduce [my]2813-john browsing time . This would n’t have bothered [me]2813-john too much if it was n’t for the kind of stores in which [we]1897-we were mooching . This is no Camden . Yes , there were a few knickknack stalls , but [I]2813-john was mainly directed into the abundance of [designer stores]1898-designer stores , leaving [me]2813-john feeling a million times more conspicuous than [I]2813-john ever did in [Harrods]55-harrods . [The quiet , minimal spaces]1899-the quiet , minimal spaces were dressed with just a few key pieces , not leaving much scope for mooching at all . [I]2813-john did see an exquisite tan bag which [I]2813-john braved a touch of , just to feel the softness of the leather , and [Jesse]306-jesse , of course , took this small motion as an indication of [my]2813-john liking and quickly had it wrapped and bagged . [I]2813-john did n’t try to stop [him]306-jesse . [I]2813-john really do love [my]2813-john new bag , so [I]2813-john showed [him]306-jesse [my]2813-john gratitude , to which [he]306-jesse responded by buying [me]2813-john everything that [I]2813-john looked at throughout the afternoon , each time giving [me]2813-john an expectant look to prompt [my]2813-john thank [you]1900-you . [He]306-jesse ’s weighed down with bags now , and [God]306-jesse bless [him]306-jesse , [he]306-jesse looks harassed . ‘ [I]306-jesse ’ll put these in [the car]709-the car . Wait there . ’[306-jesse] [He]306-jesse leaves [me]2813-john on the side of [the pedestrianized area]1901-the pedestrianized area , coating [my]2813-john lips in [Chapstick]182-chapstick , while [he]306-jesse goes over to [the car]709-the car to dump the bags , making [his]306-jesse way quickly back over and grabbing [me]2813-john . [I]2813-john stifle a yelp as [I]2813-john ’m suspended in [his]306-jesse arms and ravished . ‘[306-jesse] [God]306-jesse , [I]2813-john ’ve missed [you]306-jesse . ’ [His]306-jesse mouth slides over [my]306-jesse freshly moisturised lips with ease as [he]306-jesse takes [me]306-jesse for all to see . As always , [I]306-jesse ’m[306-jesse] oblivious to [our]1903-our location and company , letting [him]306-jesse do as [he]306-jesse pleases with [me]2813-john . ‘ Hmm , [you]306-jesse taste good . ’[306-jesse] [He]306-jesse pulls back and pouts , [his]306-jesse own lips shimmering slightly from the transfer of [my]2813-john Chapstick . ‘ If [you]306-jesse want to wear ladies lipstick , then do it properly . ’[306-jesse] [I]2813-john reach up to apply , and [he]306-jesse does nothing to stop [me]2813-john , even puckering to make the coating easier . ‘ Better , ’[306-jesse] [I]2813-john conclude on a smile . ‘ [You]306-jesse ’re[2813-john] even more handsome with shimmery lips . ’ ‘[2813-john] Probably . ’ [he]306-jesse agrees , with complete ease , smacking [his]306-jesse lips together . ‘[2813-john] Come on , [I]2813-john need to feed [[my]2813-john wife]2849-my wife and peanuts . ’ [He]306-jesse returns [me]2813-john to a vertical position and starts to reposition the slipping straps of [my]2813-john little yellow sundress . ‘[2813-john] These need tightening . ’ Shrugging [his]306-jesse fussing hands away , [I]2813-john lead on , pulling [my]2813-john own straps into place and disregarding the grunts of protest coming from behind [me]2813-john . ‘[2813-john] Where are [you]1905-you feeding [me]2813-john ? ’ [I]2813-john ask over [my]2813-john shoulder , keeping up [my]2813-john stride . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] not striding for long , though . [My]2813-john wrist is seized , and [I]2813-john ’m suddenly pulling against a dead weight . ‘[2813-john] Do n’t walk away from [me]2813-john , ’ [he]2813-john practically growls , spinning [me]2813-john around to face [him]2813-john . [He]2813-john ’s scowling , while [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] grinning . ‘ And [you]1905-you can wipe that grin off [your]1905-you face . ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john proceeds to tighten [my]2813-john straps , muttering some rubbish about [an insufferable wife , who drives [him]2813-john fucking crazy]1906-an insufferable wife , who drives him fucking crazy . ‘ Better . Where are all the clothes [I]2813-john bought [you]1905-you ? ’[2813-john] ‘ At [home]2904-home . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john answer curtly , not that any were suitable for a holiday in the sun . [I]2813-john was n’t exactly given time to go holiday shopping , so [I]2813-john made do with [my]2813-john holiday wardrobe from a few years ago . [I]2813-john was early twenties then , and these clothes [he]2813-john keeps moaning about reflect it . [He]2813-john takes a deep breath of patience . ‘ Why do [you]1905-you insist on being so difficult ? ’[2813-john] ‘ Because [I]2813-john know it drives [you]1905-you crazy . ’[2813-john] ‘ [You]1905-you just enjoy reducing [me]2813-john to [a crazy madman]3817-a crazy madman . ’[2813-john] ‘ [You]1905-you make [yourself]1905-you [a crazy madman]3817-a crazy madman . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john laugh . ‘ [You]1905-you need no help in [that department]3818-that department , [Jesse]306-jesse . [I]2813-john ’ve told [you]1905-you before ; [you]1905-you do not dictate [my]2813-john wardrobe . ’[2813-john] [His]2813-john eyes burn with green displeasure , but [I]2813-john do n’t shy away from [his]2813-john hulking , fierceness . [I]2813-john ’m really rather brave . ‘[1907-you] [You]1907-you drive [me]2813-john crazy . ’ [he]2813-john repeats , because [he]2813-john does n’t know what else [he]2813-john can say . ‘[1907-you] What are [you]1907-you going to do ? ’ [I]2813-john ask smugly . ‘[2813-john] Divorce [me]2813-john ? ’ ‘[2813-john] Watch [your]1907-you fucking mouth ! ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john did n’t even swear ! ’ [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] really laughing now . ‘ Yes , [you]1907-you fucking did ! The worse word , in fact . [I]2813-john forbid [you]1907-you to say it . ’[2813-john] Oh , now [I]2813-john ’ve really got the chuckles . ‘ [You]1907-you forbid [me]2813-john ? ’[2813-john] [His]2813-john arms fold over [his]2813-john chest in an act of authority , like [I]2813-john ’m [a bloody child]1251-a child . ‘[2813-john] Yes , [I]2813-john forbid [you]1907-you . ’ ‘[2813-john] Divorce . ’ [I]1907-you whisper . ‘[1907-you] Now [you]1907-you ’re just being childish . ’[2813-john] [he]2813-john huffs , just like [a child]1251-a child . ‘ -ish . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john shrug . ‘ Feed [me]2813-john . ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john scoffs loudly and shakes [his]2813-john head . ‘ [I]2813-john should fucking starve [you]1907-you and reward [you]1907-you with food when [you]1907-you do what [you]1907-you ’re[2813-john] fucking told . ’ [My]2813-john shoulders are clenched , [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] turned around and then guided towards [a sea - front restaurant]1909-a sea - front restaurant . ‘ [I]1910-me ’ll feed [you]1911-you [here]2799-here . ’[1910-me] [We]1910-me ’re shown to a table for two on [the outside terrace]3819-the outside terrace and settled by [a happy Spanish man with slicked black hair and a moustache to match]3820-a happy spanish man with slicked black hair and a moustache to match . ‘[1910-me] Drinks ? ’ [he]3820-a happy spanish man with slicked black hair and a moustache to match asks in a thick Spanish accent . ‘[1910-me] Water , thank [you]1911-you . ’ [Jesse]306-jesse sits [me]1910-me down and tucks [me]1910-me under the table before taking a seat opposite and passing [me]1910-me a menu . ‘[1910-me] [The Tapas]2799-here are sublime . ’ ‘[1911-you] [You]1911-you pick . ’ [I]2813-john hand the menu back over the table . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m sure [you]1911-you ’ll make a suitable choice . ’[2813-john] [My]2813-john eyebrows are raised cheekily , and the menu is taken from [my]2813-john hand thoughtfully , but with no scorn or reproving look . ‘ Thank [you]1911-you . ’[2813-john] [he]2813-john says slowly . ‘ [You]1911-you ’re[2813-john] welcome , ’ [I]2813-john counter , pouring [us]3821-us a glass of water each when [the waiter]3822-the waiter places an ice cold jug on the table . It ’s muggy and [my]2813-john thirst has hit hard at the sight of water trickling down the side of the glass pitcher . [I]2813-john down the whole glass in one foul swoop and immediately pour another . ‘[2813-john] Thirsty ? ’ [he]2813-john watches in astonishment as [I]2813-john make quick work of the second glass , nodding over the rim . ‘[2813-john] Be careful . ’ [he]2813-john warns . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] frowning over the rim , but unable to stop gulping the icy liquid . ‘ [You]1911-you might drown [the babies]3539-our babies . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john cough a little on a laugh and place [my]2813-john water down to grab a napkin . ‘ Will [you]1912-you stop with that ? ’[2813-john] ‘ What ? [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] just showing some fatherly concern . ’ [He]2813-john looks hurt , but [I]2813-john know better . ‘[2813-john] [You]1912-you do n’t think [I]2813-john can look after [[our]1913-our babies]3539-our babies , do [you]1912-you ? ’ ‘[1912-you] Yes [I]2813-john do . ’ [he]1915-he retorts softly , with absolutely zero conviction . [He]1915-he really does n’t . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] shocked , and [my]2813-john face probably shows it , even if [he]1915-he ’s refusing to meet [my]2813-john eyes so [he]1915-he can see for [himself]1915-he . ‘ What the hell do [you]1912-you think [I]1915-he ’m[1915-he] going to do ? ’ [I]1915-he regret the question the second it falls from [my]1915-he mouth , even more so when [his]1915-he head snaps up and [I]1915-he ’m[1915-he] hit with a sceptical look . ‘ Do n’t ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john warn , [my]2813-john voice cracking and tears of regret immediately burning the back of [my]2813-john eyes . [I]2813-john work hard to blink them back , mentally beating [myself]2813-john up for [my]2813-john cold hearted thoughts . [I]2813-john feel terrible enough all on [my]2813-john own , without [Jesse]306-jesse enflaming the guilt . [I]2813-john ’m looking anywhere and everywhere , except at [Jesse]306-jesse because to look at [his]306-jesse face right now will remind [me]2813-john of the dark place [I]2813-john need to forget . [I]2813-john do n’t blame [him]306-jesse for doubting [my]2813-john capabilities , [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] pretty doubtful [myself]2813-john , but [I]2813-john have [him]306-jesse , as [he]306-jesse keeps reminding [me]2813-john . [He]306-jesse ’s sitting next to [me]2813-john in a heartbeat and pulling [me]2813-john into [his]306-jesse side , stroking [my]2813-john back and burying [his]306-jesse mouth into hair . ‘ [I]306-jesse ’m[306-jesse] sorry . Do n’t get upset , please . ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m okay , ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john brush [his]306-jesse concern away . It ’s plain to see that [I]2813-john ’m not okay , but [I]2813-john ca n’t lose control of [my]2813-john emotions in the middle of [a restaurant]3823-a restaurant for all to see . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] already being stared at by [a woman]3150-a woman a few tables away . [I]2813-john ’m in no mood for nosey parkers , so [I]2813-john flip [her]3150-a woman a look before pulling out of [Jesse]306-jesse ’s chest . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john said [I]2813-john ’m fine . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john snap shortly , picking [my]2813-john glass up , just for something to do other than cry . ‘ [Ava]536-ava . ’[306-jesse] [he]306-jesse says quietly , but [I]2813-john ca n’t look at [him]306-jesse . [I]2813-john ca n’t look into the eyes of the man [I]2813-john love when [I]2813-john know [he]306-jesse ’ll be showing utter contempt for [me]2813-john . Will [he]306-jesse ever let [me]2813-john forget this ? ‘ Look at [me]306-jesse , ’[306-jesse] [He]306-jesse sounds harsher , firmer now , but [I]2813-john disobey , noticing [that bloody woman]1917-that bloody woman still staring . [I]2813-john meet [her]1917-that bloody woman eyes , enhancing [my]2813-john fuck off look , which quickly prompts [her]1917-that bloody woman to return to [her]1917-that bloody woman dinner . ‘ Three , ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john actually roll [my]2813-john eyes , but not because [he]306-jesse ’s started the countdown . No , it ’s because [I]2813-john know [I]2813-john wo n’t be getting any [Jesse]306-jesse style fuck or trample when [he]306-jesse reaches zero . ‘ Two , ’[306-jesse] It ’s like [he]306-jesse ’s dangling a carrot that [I]2813-john ’m never going to get a bite of . Stupid , [I]2813-john know , but the need for [Jesse]306-jesse and all of [his]306-jesse talent for fucking [me]2813-john into submission has become engrained in [me]2813-john , pregnancy only seeming to enhance [my]2813-john desire for it . ‘[2813-john] One , ’ [I]306-jesse exhale tiredly and start fiddling with [my]306-jesse fork , refusing to submit , probably only shortening [his]306-jesse fuse . ‘[306-jesse] Zero , [baby]306-jesse . ’ [I]306-jesse ’m[306-jesse] snatched from [my]2813-john chair before [my]2813-john brain filters the final call of the countdown , and [I]2813-john ’m on the floor , wrists pinned above [my]2813-john head and [Jesse]306-jesse straddling [my]2813-john waist . [My]2813-john eyes are wide and [the restaurant]3823-a restaurant is silent . [You]3824-you could hear a pin drop . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] staring up at [Jesse]306-jesse , who is unashamed and most unconcerned by [our]1919-our surroundings . [He]306-jesse ’s got [me]2813-john sprawled on the floor in [a restaurant]3823-a restaurant . What the fucking hell is [he]306-jesse playing at ? [I]2813-john dare not even look away from [him]306-jesse . [I]2813-john can feel a million sets of shocked eyes drilling into the spectacle [Jesse]306-jesse has created . [I]2813-john ’m mortified . ‘[306-jesse] [Jesse]306-jesse , let [me]2813-john up . ’ [I]306-jesse would n’t put much past [him]306-jesse , but this ? This is way past unashamed . Fucking hell , what if [someone]443-someone tries to pull [him]306-jesse off [me]306-jesse ? ‘[306-jesse] [I]2813-john did warn [you]2813-john , [baby]2813-john . ’ [His]306-jesse face is awash with amusement , while [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] simply horrified . ‘ Wherever , whenever . ’[2813-john] ‘ Yes , okay . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john wriggle . ‘ [You]2813-john ’ve made [your]2813-john point . ’[2813-john] ‘ [I]306-jesse do n’t think [I]306-jesse have . ’[306-jesse] [he]306-jesse says casually , making [himself]306-jesse comfortable , suspending [his]306-jesse face over [mine]2813-john . ‘ [I]306-jesse love [you]2813-john . ’[306-jesse] [I]2813-john want the ground to swallow [me]2813-john up whole . Ravishing [me]2813-john and kissing the living daylights out of [me]2813-john on [a busy street]1921-a busy street is one thing . [Pinning]184-pinning [me]2813-john to the floor in [a busy restaurant]1922-a busy restaurant is insane . ‘ [I]184-pinning know , let [me]184-pinning up . ’[184-pinning] ‘ No , ’[2813-john] Oh God , [I]2813-john ca n’t even hear the chinking of knives and forks , which tells [me]2813-john all eating has halted . ‘ Please , ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john beg quietly . ‘ Tell [me]2813-john [you]2813-john love [me]2813-john . ’[2813-john] ‘ [I]2813-john love [you]2813-john , ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john grate the words through [my]2813-john teeth . ‘ Say it like [you]2813-john mean it , [Ava]536-ava . ’[1923-he] [He]1923-he ’s not going to give up , not until [I]2813-john follow through on [his]1923-he stupid , unreasonable order to [his]1923-he satisfaction . ‘ [I]2813-john love [you]2813-john . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john sound softer , but still uneasy . [He]1923-he eyes [me]2813-john suspiciously , but what the hell does [he]1923-he expect ? [I]2813-john ’m beyond relieved when [he]1923-he shifts and pulls [me]2813-john to [my]2813-john feet , choosing to remain on [his]1923-he knees in front of [me]2813-john . [I]2813-john take [my]2813-john time straightening [myself]2813-john out , anything to avoid facing the masses of diners , who are undoubtedly looking on in shock . After [I]2813-john ’ve spent much more time than is really necessary brushing [myself]2813-john down , [I]2813-john chance a quick look around [the restaurant]2975-the restaurant , then proceed to die a thousand deaths on the spot . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] tempted to run for it , but [I]2813-john notice [Jesse]306-jesse still on [his]306-jesse knees in front of [me]2813-john . ‘ Get up . ’[306-jesse] [I]2813-john say on a hushed whisper , despite the obviousness of being heard . It ’s still eerily silent . [He]306-jesse walks forward on [his]306-jesse knees until [he]306-jesse ’s flush with the front on [my]2813-john legs , and then slides [his]306-jesse hands around to [my]2813-john arse , looking up at [me]2813-john with puppy dog eyes . ‘ [Ava Ward]536-ava , [[my]2813-john beautiful , defiant girl]536-ava . ’[2813-john] [My]2813-john face is heating further by the second . ‘ [You]536-ava make [me]2813-john [the happiest man on [this fucking planet]3827-this fucking planet]536-ava . [You]536-ava married [me]2813-john , and now [you]536-ava ’re[2813-john] blessing [me]2813-john with twin babies . ’ [He]536-ava slips a hand from [my]2813-john arse and onto [my]2813-john tummy , circling adoringly before dropping a kiss in the centre . There ’s definitely a few sighs from [[our]3828-our spectators]3829-our spectators . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john love [you]1924-he so fucking much . [You]1924-he ’re going to be an incredible mummy to [[my]2813-john babies]1517-my babies . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john can do nothing more than stare down at [him]1924-he as [he]1924-he makes [his]1924-he public declaration , [the embarrassing fool]1925-the embarrassing fool . And there are more sighs . [He]1924-he kisses [his]1924-he way up [my]2813-john body until [he]1924-he ’s in [my]2813-john neck . ‘ Do n’t try to stop [me]1924-he from loving [you]1924-he . It makes [me]1924-he sad . ’[1924-he] ‘ Sad or crazy ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ask quietly . [He]1924-he emerges from [his]1924-he hiding place in [my]2813-john neck and gathers [my]2813-john hair , draping it down [my]2813-john back before cupping both of [my]2813-john cheeks in [my]2813-john palms . ‘ Sad . ’[1924-he] [he]1924-he affirms . ‘ Kiss [me]2813-john , [wife]2813-john . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m not up for any further embarrassment , so [I]2813-john conform and give [him]1924-he exactly what [he]1924-he wants . This way [I]2813-john get to escape sooner . But then clapping starts , and [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] soon missing [Jesse]306-jesse ’s lips on [mine]2813-john as [he]1924-he takes a bow and sits [me]2813-john back down . [We]1926-us ’re staying ? ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john love [her]1927-her . ’ [He]1924-he shrugs , like that explains why [he]1924-he has just manhandled [me]3535-twins to the floor and demanded a declaration of love , before announcing to [a bunch of strangers that [we]1926-us ’re[3535-twins] expecting [twins]3535-twins]3831-a bunch of strangers that we ’re expecting twins . ‘ [Twins]3535-twins ! ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john jump at the excited , broken English of [the waiter]3822-the waiter , who waves a bottle of champagne in front of [us]1926-us . ‘ [You]3832-you must celebrate . ’[1924-he] [He]1924-he pops the cork and pours two glasses . [I]2813-john cringe . It ’s very thoughtful , but there ’s no way [either of [us]1926-us]1246-either of us are drinking it . ‘ Thank [you]3832-you , ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john smile up at [him]1924-he , praying [he]1924-he does n’t hang around to watch [us]1926-us clink glasses and swig . ‘ That ’s very kind . ’[1924-he] [He]1924-he must hear [my]2813-john mental plea or see [my]2813-john distressed face because [he]1924-he backs away , leaving [me]2813-john assessing the surroundings . [People]2834-people have returned to [their]2834-people meals , some flicking fond looks every so often , but the interest seems to have died down . [That woman]849-that woman is still staring , though . [I]2813-john frown at [her]849-that woman , but [I]2813-john ’m distracted when [Jesse]306-jesse ’s hand lands on [my]2813-john knee . [I]2813-john turn and find a face full of mischievousness . Yes , [he]1924-he ’s demonstrated [his]1924-he point loud and clear , and for [everyone]2825-everyone to see . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john can not believe [you]1933-you did that . ’ ‘[2813-john] Why ? ’ [He]1924-he pushes the champagne flutes away from [us]1935-us . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] about to argue [my]2813-john case , but [I]2813-john can feel eyes on [me]2813-john again , and [I]2813-john know who it is . [I]2813-john turn slowly , finding [her]849-that woman staring again . [She]849-that woman ’s quite a few tables away , and there are [masses of people between [us]1935-us]1934-masses of people between us , but a small gap in [the crowd]2820-the crowd is giving [me]2813-john a clear view , and it ’s obviously giving [her]849-that woman one , too , because [she]849-that woman ’s making the most of it . ‘ Do [you]849-that woman know [that woman]849-that woman ? ’[849-that woman] [I]2813-john ask , keeping [my]2813-john eyes on [her]849-that woman , even though [she]849-that woman ’s returned to [her]849-that woman meal . ‘ [What woman]849-that woman ? ’[306-jesse] [Jesse]306-jesse asks , leaning over [me]2813-john to see where [my]2813-john gaze is directed . ‘ There , [the women with the pale blue cardigan]3834-the women with the pale blue cardigan . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john almost point across [the restaurant]2975-the restaurant , but quickly rein in [my]2813-john lifting hand . ‘ Can [you]3835-you see ? ’[2813-john] After what seems like forever has passed and [he]306-jesse still has n’t answered [me]2813-john , [I]2813-john turn and watch as the colour drains from [his]306-jesse face , leaving a pasty shocked one in place of the tanned content one . ‘ What ’s the matter ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john instinctively slap [my]2813-john hand on [his]306-jesse forehead to gage [his]306-jesse temperature , noting with just a second ’s touch that [he]306-jesse ’s stone cold . ‘ [Jesse]306-jesse ? ’[306-jesse] [He]306-jesse ’s staring blankly past [me]2813-john in a complete trance . [I]2813-john ’m worried . ‘[306-jesse] [Jesse]306-jesse , what ’s wrong ? ’ [He]306-jesse shakes [his]306-jesse head , like [he]306-jesse ’s shaking off a concussion , and turns haunted eyes onto [me]1938-me . [I]1938-me can see that [he]306-jesse ’s trying to look okay , but [[my]1938-me husband]420-my husband is failing miserably . There ’s something seriously wrong . ‘[1938-me] [We]1938-me ’re leaving . ’[306-jesse] [He]306-jesse stands , knocking a glass over , attracting a little bit more attention . Throwing a pile of notes on the table , [he]306-jesse wastes no time lifting [my]2813-john perplexed arse from the chair and leading [me]2813-john out of [the restaurant]2975-the restaurant . [He]306-jesse strides with complete purpose towards [the car]709-the car , virtually pulling [me]2813-john along behind [him]306-jesse . ‘ What is wrong with [you]306-jesse ? ’[306-jesse] [I]2813-john try again , but [I]2813-john know it ’s in vain . [He]306-jesse has completely shut down . The car door is opened , and [I]2813-john look up at [him]306-jesse as [he]306-jesse starts to guide [me]2813-john in , but [I]2813-john get nothing . No acknowledgment , no expression , no explanation . [I]2813-john do notice [his]306-jesse shoulder tense and rise , though , and [his]306-jesse chest is beginning to heave . [He]306-jesse ’s looking past [me]2813-john , yet still trying to push [me]2813-john into [the car]709-the car . ‘ [Jesse]306-jesse ? ’[306-jesse] The unfamiliar female voice pulls [my]2813-john attention away from [[my]2813-john spaced out husband]1941-my spaced out husband and to [a women behind [me]2813-john]60-sarah . [The woman]60-sarah . [I]2813-john stare at [her]60-sarah in confusion , feeling [Jesse]306-jesse ’s hand grip [me]2813-john tighter . [I]2813-john can hear [his]306-jesse breathing now , too . [I]2813-john ’m completely bewildered , but [I]2813-john still manage to take [her]60-sarah in , running [my]2813-john eyes up and down [this stranger who has spent the best part of [her]60-sarah time in the seafront eatery staring at [me]2813-john]306-jesse , or [Jesse]306-jesse , or [us]3837-us . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] not sure . But the longer [I]2813-john ’m looking at [her]60-sarah , the clearer it ’s all becoming . [Jesse]306-jesse tries to reposition [me]2813-john to get [me]2813-john in [the car]709-the car , but [I]2813-john shrug [him]306-jesse off , too intrigued by who [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] looking at . ‘ [Ava]536-ava , [baby]306-jesse , [we]306-jesse ’re[2813-john] going . ’ [He]306-jesse ’s not demanding or shouting at [me]306-jesse impatiently , despite [my]306-jesse defiance . It makes [me]306-jesse want to cry . ‘[306-jesse] [Jesse]306-jesse , [son]306-jesse . ’ [The women]983-the women steps forward and [my]306-jesse fears are confirmed . ‘[306-jesse] [You]1943-you do n’t get to call [me]2813-john that . ’ [Jesse]306-jesse says tightly . ‘[536-ava] [Ava]536-ava , get in [the car]709-the car . ’ [I]536-ava get in . That was all the confirmation [I]536-ava needed . [I]536-ava do n’t need to hear anything else , no shouting matches or explanations . That ’s [[Jesse]306-jesse ’s mum]3840-his mother . [I]536-ava shift [my]536-ava body in the seat and watch [him]306-jesse make [his]306-jesse way around the back of [the car]709-the car , feeling concerned when [I]536-ava see [[his]306-jesse mum]3840-his mother hurry past the front to intercept [him]306-jesse . [I]536-ava watch as [she]3840-his mother places a hand on [his]306-jesse arm and [he]306-jesse shrugs it off , [I]536-ava hear as [she]3840-his mother pleads for a chance to talk , and then [I]536-ava see as [she]3840-his mother presses [her]3840-his mother body up against [the driver]3227-the driver ’s door to prevent [him]306-jesse from accessing [the car]709-the car . [His]306-jesse hands fly to [his]306-jesse hair and yank , the pain on [his]306-jesse face breaking [my]536-ava heart . [He]306-jesse wo n’t physically remove [[his]306-jesse mother]3840-his mother , which leaves [him]306-jesse out there vulnerable . [I]536-ava ca n’t just sit here and watch [him]306-jesse struggle like this , so [I]536-ava get out and make [my]536-ava way around to [Jesse]306-jesse and [[his]306-jesse mother]3840-his mother , with nothing but determination coursing through [me]536-ava . [I]536-ava stand in front of [Jesse]306-jesse , like a protective shield , and look [her]3840-his mother square in the eye . ‘[536-ava] Please , [I]2813-john ’m asking [you]2813-john to move . ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john leans over [me]2813-john . ‘ [You]2813-john should n’t be [here]2799-here . Why are [you]2813-john [here]2799-here ? ’[2813-john] [Jesse]306-jesse ’s voice is broken and shaky , as is [his]306-jesse body . [I]2813-john can feel the vibrations seeping into [my]2813-john back . ‘ It ’s [Amalie]152-amalie ’s wedding weekend in [Seville]45-seville . Why are [you]2813-john [here]2799-here ? ’[2813-john] Realisation dawns . [I]2813-john did n’t read far enough into the invite to note a date or location , but [Jesse]306-jesse obviously did . Why else would [he]2813-john bring [me]2813-john [here]2799-here , unless [he]2813-john knew [[his]2813-john parents]1475-his parents would be gone ? But [they]1475-his parents are [here]2799-here . And it ’s sent [Jesse]306-jesse spiralling into turmoil . ‘ It ’s [[your]306-jesse father]2787-your father , ’[1947-she] [she]1947-she begins . ‘ The wedding , it got postponed because [[your]306-jesse father]2787-your father had a heart attack . [Amalie]152-amalie tried to get in touch after [you]306-jesse never replied to [her]1947-she wedding invite . ’[1947-she] [Jesse]306-jesse ’s chest presses into [mine]2813-john , and [I]2813-john know [he]2813-john ’s going to speak , which is good because [I]2813-john can think of nothing to say . [I]2813-john ’m struck dumb . This is information overload . ‘[2813-john] So tell [me]2813-john why [Amalie]152-amalie tried to contact [me]2813-john ? Why not [you]2813-john ? ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john thought [you]2813-john would answer [[your]2813-john sister]1948-your sister . ’ [she]1948-your sister replies quickly . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john was hoping [you]2813-john would answer [[you]2813-john sister]1948-your sister ’s calls . ’ ‘[2813-john] Well [you]2813-john were wrong ! ’ [he]152-amalie roars over [my]2813-john shoulder , making [me]2813-john wince . ‘[2813-john] [You]2813-john do n’t get to do this to [me]2813-john . No more , [Mum]246-mum . [Your]2813-john influence already fucked [my]2813-john life up , and now [I]2813-john ’m making it right all on [my]246-mum own ! ’[246-mum] [She]246-mum flinches , but [she]246-mum does n’t defend [herself]246-mum . [Her]246-mum green eyes — just like [Jesse’s]185-jesse’s — are all clouded and desperate . So many thoughts are racing through [my]2813-john brain , but [my]2813-john priority is [Jesse]306-jesse and [his]306-jesse obvious distress . ‘ [Twins]151-twins , ’[1949-his mom] [[his]306-jesse mom]1949-his mom whispers , reaching forward with [her]1949-his mom hand . [I]2813-john freeze . [I]2813-john ca n’t move . [Her]1949-his mom eyes are studying [my]2813-john stomach , and [I]2813-john see pain etched all over [her]1949-his mom wrinkled face . [I]2813-john ’m pulled back , just avoiding a skimming of [her]1949-his mom hand on [my]536-ava tummy . It snaps [me]536-ava from [my]536-ava daze and makes [me]536-ava reassess the situation . It does n’t take long . [I]536-ava need to get [Jesse]306-jesse away . ‘[536-ava] [Ava]536-ava , ’ [His]536-ava voice has softened in [my]536-ava ear . ‘[536-ava] Please , get [me]2813-john out of here . ’ [My]2813-john heart splits straight down the middle . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m asking [you]536-ava nicely . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john look at [[his]2813-john mother]3840-his mother , whose eyes are still focused on [my]2813-john midriff . ‘ Please move . ’[2813-john] ‘ It ’s another chance , [Jesse]306-jesse . ’[3840-his mother] [She]3840-his mother ’s sobbing now , but [I]2813-john do n’t feel any sympathy for [her]3840-his mother . [Jesse]306-jesse does n’t speak . [He]306-jesse remains still and quiet behind [me]2813-john . [I]2813-john think [he]306-jesse might have fallen into a trance , and [I]2813-john ’m not at all surprised . Those few words have only heightened [my]306-jesse determination and turned [my]306-jesse building tears into pure anger . [I]306-jesse ca n’t lash out at [[his]2813-john mother]3840-his mother , though . [I]306-jesse turn and slide [my]306-jesse hand onto [Jesse]306-jesse ’s arm . ‘[306-jesse] Come on , ’ [I]306-jesse say softly , tugging at [his]2813-john arm . [He]2813-john lets [me]306-jesse take [him]2813-john . [I]306-jesse ’m[306-jesse] guiding [him]306-jesse for once , and [I]2813-john make fast work of it . [I]2813-john ’m determined to remove [[my]2813-john husband]420-my husband from this situation which is causing [him]306-jesse anguish . [I]2813-john ’ve only ever seen [him]306-jesse like this a handful of times and every one of those times has ended in heartache . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] not prepared to set [him]306-jesse or [myself]2813-john up for any further difficulties in [our]1951-our relationship . [I]2813-john open the passenger door and gently guide [him]306-jesse in , while [he]306-jesse stares blankly at the thin air in front of [him]306-jesse . [I]2813-john ’m more than relieved when [I]2813-john see [[Jesse]306-jesse ’s mum]3840-his mother come around the front of [the car]709-the car because it means [I]2813-john can hurry around the back and jump in [the driver]3227-the driver ’s seat . The first thing [I]2813-john do is locate the door locks and flick the switch before [I]2813-john search [Jesse]306-jesse for the keys . [I]2813-john ’ve never driven on the wrong side of [the road]577-the road before , or on the wrong side of [the car]709-the car , but now is not the time to get [myself]2813-john in a panic over something so trivial . [I]2813-john start the DBS up and barely look behind [me]2813-john as [I]2813-john reverse carelessly out of the space before whacking it into first and pulling away a little more cautiously . [I]2813-john chance a look in the rear view mirror and see a man taking [[Jesse]306-jesse ’s mum]3840-his mother in [his]306-jesse arms . [[His]306-jesse dad]3849-his dad . [My]2813-john eyes do a quick check of [the road]577-the road ahead , noting the exit gates , but [I]2813-john do n’t have a chance to panic about finding the card that will open [them]1475-his parents . [They]1475-his parents shift automatically and [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] getting further away from [[Jesse]306-jesse ’s parents]1475-his parents by the second . [I]2813-john glance at [him]306-jesse , and [I]2813-john do n’t like what [I]2813-john see — [a troubled man]306-jesse , staring blankly out of the window , showing no emotion . If [he]306-jesse was angry [I]2813-john would feel better , but [he]306-jesse ’s not . The only familiarity is the deep crevice across [his]306-jesse brow and the cogs of [his]306-jesse complex mind spinning out of control . Strangely , these little traits offer [me]2813-john some comfort . What [he]306-jesse could be thinking about , however , does not . Another chance ? That ’s what [she]1953-she said . [I]2813-john ca n’t blame [Jesse]306-jesse for [his]306-jesse meltdown , not when [[his]306-jesse mother]3840-his mother has just suggested that everything can be righted by the birth of [[his]306-jesse own twins]1955-his own twins . That ’s cruel and selfish , and it will never make up for the years of sorrow and betrayal that have come before . [These babies]1517-my babies and [I]2813-john are [Jesse]306-jesse ’s chance at happiness , not [[his]306-jesse parent]1957-his parent ’s opportunity to right all of [their]1517-my babies wrongs . If [she]3840-his mother intends on using [[my]2813-john babies]1517-my babies as some sort of family therapy , then [she]3840-his mother can think again . * * * [I]2813-john have no idea where [I]2813-john ’m going , but [I]2813-john just about manage to coax directions from [Jesse]306-jesse . The familiar fragrance of [Paradise]41-paradise finally has [me]2813-john relaxing completely as [I]2813-john make [my]2813-john way up [the cobbled driveway]3850-the cobbled driveway to [the villa]1759-the villa . [He]306-jesse gets out of [the car]709-the car and strides towards [the veranda]3710-the veranda , leaving [me]2813-john to follow tentatively behind . [I]2813-john do n’t know what to do . [I]2813-john know [we]3854-we wo n’t be talking , so [I]2813-john need to do what instinct is telling [me]2813-john and that ’s to just be there for [him]306-jesse . Not fish for information to ease [my]2813-john own inquisitive mind , or stamp [my]2813-john feet and demand answers . [I]2813-john already know what [I]2813-john need to . [I]2813-john know [[Jesse]306-jesse ’s parents]1475-his parents have influenced [his]306-jesse life too much . Now [he]306-jesse ’s making it right all on [his]306-jesse own , just like [he]306-jesse said , and [I]2813-john need to let [him]1958-him do that . Following [him]1958-him into [the villa]254-the room , [I]2813-john find [him]1958-him standing in the middle of [the room]254-the room . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] quiet as [I]2813-john approach behind [him]1958-him , but [he]1958-him does n’t flinch when [I]2813-john slide [my]2813-john hand into [his]1958-him . [He]1958-him knew [I]2813-john was close , as [he]1958-him always does . [I]2813-john lead [him]1958-him into [the bedroom]663-the bedroom and start to unbutton [his]1958-him shirt . There is no sexual tension ricocheting between [us]1960-us , or heavy desperate breaths . [I]2813-john ’m just looking after [him]1958-him . [His]1958-him head is dropped , [he]1958-him ’s completely despondent , but [he]1958-him lets [me]2813-john undress [him]1958-him until [he]1958-him ’s standing before [me]2813-john naked and quiet . [I]2813-john go to direct [him]1958-him to the bed , but [he]1958-him stands firm and turns [me]2813-john back towards [him]1958-him , then sets about unzipping [my]2813-john dress and pulling it over [my]2813-john head , encouraging [me]2813-john to lift [my]2813-john arms . [I]2813-john let [him]1958-him do [his]1958-him thing , anything to drag [him]1958-him from [his]1958-him melancholy state . [I]2813-john stand quietly while [he]1958-him sees through [his]1958-him task , unhooking [my]2813-john bra before kneeling and taking [my]2813-john knickers down [my]2813-john legs . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] lifted to [his]1961-his body , [my]2813-john legs finding [their]1962-their place around [his]1961-his hips , and [he]1961-his positions [himself]1961-his on the bed , back against the headboard so [I]2813-john ’m sitting on [his]1961-his lap , pressed against [his]1961-his chest . [He]1961-his ’s not prepared to have any space between [us]3857-us , which is fine by [me]2813-john . [His]1961-his arms are completely encasing [me]2813-john , [his]1961-his nose is in [my]2813-john hair and [his]1961-his heartbeat is slow and steady under [my]2813-john ear . This is all [I]2813-john can do , and if need be , [I]2813-john ’ll do it until the day [I]2813-john die . Chapter 26 [I]2813-john feel different this morning . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] on [my]2813-john back , but [I]2813-john ’m not sprawled across the bed with a light breeze tickling [my]2813-john naked skin , and [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] unable to stretch . It takes a few seconds to register why . It ’s because [I]2813-john ’m cocooned beneath [Jesse]306-jesse , who is half laying on [me]2813-john , half off , so [he]306-jesse is n’t putting pressure on [my]2813-john tummy . [His]306-jesse face is nuzzled in the space between [my]2813-john jaw and [my]2813-john shoulder , [his]306-jesse palm is flat on [my]2813-john abdomen and [his]306-jesse hot , minty breath is heating [my]2813-john neck . Why is n’t [he]306-jesse out running ? [My]2813-john rousing brain is a little confused , but not for long . It speedily kicks into gear , reminding [me]2813-john of the events of last night , the pain , the anguish and the shock . [Paradise]41-paradise was turned upside down . [[His]306-jesse parents]1475-his parents now know about [me]2813-john , and after [Jesse]306-jesse ’s little trampling mission in [the restaurant]2975-the restaurant , [they]1475-his parents also know that [he]306-jesse has [twins]3535-twins on the way . [My]2813-john fingers slip into [his]306-jesse hair as [I]2813-john gaze up at the ceiling and massage gently . [I]2813-john do n’t want to think about this . [I]2813-john do n’t want to delve deep , and [I]2813-john really do n’t think [I]2813-john need to . All [I]2813-john need to do is be here , listen when [he]306-jesse wants to speak , and hold [him]306-jesse when [he]306-jesse needs some comfort . [His]306-jesse pained face has brought back a whole black past of memories between [us]3861-us — the moment [we]3861-us were standing in [[Kate]2774-kate ’s lounge]3862-kate ’s lounge and [he]306-jesse begged [me]2813-john not to leave [him]306-jesse , the time [I]2813-john left [him]306-jesse drunk at [Lusso]95-lusso , and the moment [I]2813-john found [him]306-jesse in [[his]306-jesse office]2910-his office with a whip wielding [Sarah]60-sarah . All of those incidents lead to further excruciating pain , and [I]2813-john need to avoid any repeat at all costs . And [I]2813-john will . [This man]222-this man has a troubled history , but [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] fixing all of that hurt and suffering . It ’s no wonder [he]222-this man wants to keep [me]2813-john from it all . [I]2813-john ’m [his]222-this man little piece of heaven , and [I]2813-john ’ll never allow [him]222-this man to fall back into [his]222-this man hellish , hollow past . As [I]2813-john lay giving [myself]2813-john a little mental pep talk , [I]2813-john know [he]222-this man ’s awake . [I]2813-john feel the slight flicker of [his]222-this man long lashes against [my]2813-john neck , but [I]2813-john remain quiet , allowing [him]222-this man to have [his]222-this man thinking space , [my]2813-john fingers keeping up the gentle twisting of [his]222-this man hair and the odd massage of [his]222-this man head . [He]222-this man would know [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] awake , even if [I]2813-john was n’t moving . ‘ [I]2813-john would never have brought [you]3864-you here if [I]2813-john ’d have known . ’[2813-john] [His]2813-john raspy voice breaks the silence . ‘ [I]2813-john never wanted [my]2813-john life with [you]3864-you to be stained by [my]2813-john past . ’[2813-john] [Our]1964-us lives have been tarnished by [his]2813-john past in many ways , and [I]2813-john know [he]2813-john never wanted any of it to affect [us]1964-us . But it has . And now this might , too , if [he]2813-john allows it . ‘ It has n’t affected [us]1964-us . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john assure [him]2813-john . ‘ So please do n’t let it . ’[2813-john] ‘ [They]1782-his babies have no place in [my]2813-john life , [Ava]536-ava . Not before , and even less now . ’[2813-john] [His]2813-john hand starts a slow movement across [my]2813-john stomach . [I]2813-john know why [he]2813-john ’s saying this . [[His]2813-john babies]1782-his babies will not replace [Jake]786-jake . [They]1782-his babies will not ease [[Jesse]306-jesse ’s parent]1966-jesse ’s parent ’s guilt . And [I]2813-john know for sure [they]1782-his babies ’ll never be reason for reconciliation . Some things are unforgivable , and [[your]1967-your mum]287-your mum and [dad]2779-dad doing anything other than loving and supporting [you]1970-you are just [a few of [them]1782-his babies]1971-a few of them . [[My]2813-john dad]2779-dad has always said that [he]2779-dad could never tell [me]2813-john what to do , only advise [me]2813-john . [He]2779-dad has said [he]2779-dad would never force [my]2813-john hand in anything , knowing it would make [me]2813-john unhappy . [He]2779-dad said [he]2779-dad would always be [there]3681-there , despite [my]2813-john choices and [he]2779-dad would make things better if it was the wrong choice . And [he]2779-dad did . Many times . Not for such extreme things as [I]2813-john know [Jesse]306-jesse ’s choices have entailed , but the principle is still the same . That ’s what [parents]1973-parents do . [They]1973-parents do n’t influence [[their]1973-parents children]1974-their children for [their]1973-parents own benefit . [My]2813-john compassion is fierce . [Jesse]306-jesse has always said that [I]2813-john ’m all [he]306-jesse needs , and [I]306-jesse know [he]306-jesse wholeheartedly means it . And it ’s completely understandable , given what [this man]306-jesse has been through , not just the history of [women]253-women and drink , but with [[his]306-jesse parents]1475-his parents . That is the root cause of everything . ‘[306-jesse] [You]1975-my do n’t need to explain anything to [me]2813-john . [You]1975-my and [me]2813-john . ’ [I]1975-my repeat [his]306-jesse words to enforce [my]1975-my own . [He]306-jesse rolls onto [his]306-jesse back and pulls at [me]1975-my , encouraging [me]1975-my to crawl onto [his]306-jesse chest . [I]1975-my find [my]1975-my way and start [my]1975-my slow , light trailing of [his]306-jesse scar . ‘[1975-my] [This place]917-this place was [Carmichael]323-carmichael ’s . ’ [he]306-jesse says quietly . ‘[323-carmichael] It was part of [[his]323-carmichael estate]917-this place , as was [the boat]1977-the boat . ’ ‘[323-carmichael] [I]2813-john know . ’ [I]2813-john smile to [myself]2813-john . [I]2813-john was right on the money with [my]2813-john own private conclusion . ‘[2813-john] How did [you]2813-john know ? ’ ‘[2813-john] Why else would [you]2813-john have a villa so close to where [[your]2813-john parents]502-your parents live ? ’ [I]0-my beautiful girl ca n’t see [him]323-carmichael , but [I]0-my beautiful girl know [he]323-carmichael ’s smiling . ‘[0-my beautiful girl] [[My]2813-john beautiful girl]0-my beautiful girl is frightening [me]2813-john . ’ ‘[0-my beautiful girl] Why ? ’ [I]0-my beautiful girl ask , frowning into [his]323-carmichael chest . ‘[0-my beautiful girl] Because [she]0-my beautiful girl ’s usually so demanding for information . ’ [I]0-my beautiful girl have to agree , but [I]0-my beautiful girl ’ve found out more since [I]0-my beautiful girl convinced [myself]0-my beautiful girl to keep [my]0-my beautiful girl trap shut than [I]0-my beautiful girl ever did when [I]0-my beautiful girl was stamping and screaming . ‘[0-my beautiful girl] There ca n’t be anything else [you]2813-john could tell [me]2813-john that would convince [me]2813-john to run away from [you]2813-john again . ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m glad [you]2813-john ’ve said that . ’[2813-john] [he]2813-john says quietly . If there was anything [he]2813-john could say that would make [me]2813-john stiffen and wish [I]2813-john could retract [my]2813-john words , then that would be it . Instinctively [I]2813-john know [I]2813-john ’m not going to like what [I]2813-john will hear . It ’s like [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] unintentionally pulling confessions from [this man]2813-john . ‘ [Ava]536-ava ? ’[2813-john] [he]2813-john says quietly . ‘ What ? ’[2813-john] ‘ [I]2813-john need to tell [you]2813-john something . ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john goes to move , but [I]2813-john make [myself]2813-john a dead weight , ensuring optimum difficulty for [him]2813-john , not that it makes a blind bit of difference . [I]2813-john ’m removed from [his]2813-john chest with minimal effort and turned onto [my]2813-john back . [He]2813-john straddles [my]2813-john waist , but does n’t rest [himself]2813-john fully on [me]2813-john . [He]2813-john chews [his]2813-john lip for a few moments while [I]2813-john look up at [him]2813-john , a sceptical expression plastered all over [my]2813-john face . [I]2813-john know knowledge is power is the sensible option , but given what [Jesse]306-jesse has presented [me]2813-john in [the knowledge department]3867-the knowledge department , it scares the fucking life out of [me]2813-john . [He]2813-john takes [my]2813-john hands and holds them tightly . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’ve had [Sarah]60-sarah at [The Manor]226-the manor while [we]1981-we ’ve been gone . ’ ‘[60-sarah] WHAT ? ’ [My]60-sarah head lifts and [my]60-sarah throat is instantly hoarse . ‘[60-sarah] [She]60-sarah ’s dealing with things while [I]2813-john ’m gone . [John]2813-john ca n’t do it on [his]2813-john own , [Ava]536-ava . ’[2813-john] ‘ But [Sarah]60-sarah ? [You]60-sarah said [she]60-sarah was gone , end of ! ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m livid . [My]2813-john blood is instantly boiling and it ’s heating [my]2813-john face , all thoughts of [absconded parents]3868-absconded parents and painful histories eradicated at the mention of [her]60-sarah name . ‘[2813-john] Why after everything [she]60-sarah ’s done would [you]1982-you allow that ? ’ [I]1982-you snatch [my]1982-you hands from [his]2813-john and try to push [him]2813-john way . ‘[1982-you] Get off ! ’ ‘[536-ava] [Ava]536-ava , will [you]1982-you calm down ! ‘ ‘[536-ava] Why ? Worried [I]2813-john might injure [[your]1982-you babies]1414-your babies ? ’ [I]2813-john spit at [him]2813-john . Those words just changed [his]2813-john concerned look to one of displeasure . [He]2813-john ’s scowling at [me]2813-john , but [I]2813-john could n’t give a toss . ‘[2813-john] Do n’t talk fucking shit . ’ [He]2813-john manages to seize [my]2813-john flailing hands and secure them above [my]2813-john head . ‘[2813-john] [You]1982-you think it . ’ [I]1982-you yell in [his]2813-john face . ‘[1982-you] [Your]1982-you constant monitoring and over - protectiveness tells [me]2813-john all [I]2813-john need to know . ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’ve always been overprotective , so do n’t brandish that card , [lady]2813-john ! ’ [He]2813-john ’s right , [he]2813-john has , but [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] pissed and [I]2813-john ’ll use anything against [him]2813-john , which reminds [me]2813-john that [we]1985-we ’ve steered off course a bit . ‘ [She]2813-john goes , or [I]2813-john do ! ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john actually rolls [his]2813-john eyes . [I]2813-john do n’t appreciate it . [I]2813-john buck [myself]2813-john , and [he]2813-john releases [me]2813-john , but it ’s because [he]2813-john does n’t want [me]2813-john to hurt [[his]2813-john babies]1782-his babies . It makes [me]2813-john madder . ‘ [Ava]536-ava , [I]2813-john was in a mess , [you]1988-you refuse to work for [me]2813-john , and [I]2813-john need [someone who knows what [they]3869-someone who knows what they ’re doing ’re[2813-john] doing]3869-someone who knows what they ’re doing . ’ [I]1987-she stop and swing round . ‘[1987-she] So [she]1987-she ’s working for [you]1988-you again ? ’ [I]1987-she do n’t believe this . [Her]1987-she compassionate little speech at [the coffee house]3870-the coffee house stood for shit . [She]1987-she ’s probably delighting in this . [He]1987-she gets up and walks towards [me]1987-she . ‘[1987-she] Stop where [you]1988-you are , [Ward]536-ava ! ’ [I]536-ava point [my]536-ava finger in [his]1987-she face . ‘[536-ava] Do n’t try to placate [me]2813-john or convince [me]2813-john that this is all fine because it fucking is n’t ! ’ ‘[1988-you] Watch [you]1988-you fucking mouth ! ’ ‘[1988-you] No ! [She]1987-she ’s in love with [you]1988-you . Do [you]1988-you know that ? Everything [she]1987-she has done really is because [she]1987-she wants to take [you]1988-you away from [me]2813-john , so do n’t even think about trying to convince [me]2813-john that this is a good idea . ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john know , ’ [I]2813-john snap [my]2813-john mouth shut and retreat back a little . ‘[2813-john] What do [you]1988-you mean , [you]1988-you know ? ’ ‘[1987-she] [I]2813-john know [she]1987-she ’s in love with [me]2813-john . ’ ‘[1988-you] [You]1988-you do ? ’ ‘[1988-you] Of course [I]2813-john do , [Ava]536-ava . [I]2813-john ’m not fucking stupid . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john scoff . ‘ [You]1988-you obviously are ! [You]1988-you ’ll trample [anyone who tries to take [me]2813-john away from [you]1988-you]3871-anyone who tries to take me away from you , yet right under [your]1988-you nose , [she]1987-she ’s doing the best job and [you]1988-you ’re[2813-john] choosing to ignore it ! ’ [I]2813-john swing around and stamp [my]2813-john way into [the kitchen]3044-the kitchen . [I]2813-john need some water to sooth [my]2813-john scratchy throat . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john did n’t just let it go unsaid , [Ava]536-ava . [I]2813-john had it out with [her]1989-she and [she]1989-she admitted and regretted it all . ’ ‘[1989-she] Of course [she]1989-she regrets it . [She]1989-she failed ! [She]1989-she ’s probably regretting not doing a better job . ’ [I]1989-she slam [my]1989-she glass down on the worktop . ‘[1989-she] And [you]1990-you may as well have let it go unsaid . Did [you]1990-you offer burial or cremation ? ’ [His]1990-you face screws up . ‘[1990-you] What ? ’ ‘[1990-you] The usual option [you]1990-you give [[people]2834-people who hurt [me]2813-john]1992-people who hurt me . Did [you]1990-you offer it to [Sarah]60-sarah ? ’ ‘[1990-you] No , [I]2813-john offered [her]60-sarah a job in return for [her]60-sarah word that [she]60-sarah ’ll never interfere again . [I]2813-john told [her]60-sarah that if [you]1990-you say so , [she]60-sarah ’s out . ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john say so ! ’ [I]2813-john shout . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john say [she]60-sarah ’s out ! ’ ‘[60-sarah] But [she]60-sarah has n’t done anything . ’ [I]60-sarah look at the thick skinned idiot across the worktop in disbelieve . ‘[60-sarah] [She]60-sarah ’s not done anything ? ’ [His]2813-john eyes close and [he]2813-john exhales long and wearily . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john mean [she]60-sarah ’s not done anything since [I]2813-john reinstated [her]60-sarah . And [you]1990-you rewarded [her]60-sarah with a tidy crack to the jaw for the stuff that came before . ’ ‘[1990-you] Why are [you]1990-you doing this ? [You]1990-you know how [I]2813-john feel , [Jesse]306-jesse . ’ ‘[60-sarah] Because [she]60-sarah ’s desperate , [Ava]536-ava . [She]60-sarah has no life past [The Manor]226-the manor . ’ ‘[60-sarah] [You]1990-you feel sorry for [her]60-sarah ? ’ [I]536-ava ask more calmly . [I]536-ava love everything about [this man]306-jesse , except [his]306-jesse sudden empathy for all of [these historical women who are trying to sabotage [our]3874-our relationship]3873-these historical women who are trying to sabotage our relationship . Look what [he]306-jesse did to [Matt]264-matt , for [Christ]306-jesse ’s sake . ‘[536-ava] [Ava]536-ava , first of all , [I]2813-john want [you]536-ava to calm down because it ’s not good for [you]536-ava or [the babies]3585-the babies . ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john am calm ! ’ [I]2813-john screech , lifting [my]2813-john glass with wobbly hands . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] far from calm . [He]536-ava sighs and cocks [his]536-ava head to crack [his]536-ava neck , almost like [he]536-ava ’s alleviating some stress . [I]2813-john have no idea what [he]536-ava ’s so stressed about . Let [me]2813-john tell [him]536-ava that [I]2813-john ’ll continue to work for [Mikael]74-mikael and see what reaction that sparks . It ’s the same principle , kind of . [He]536-ava walks over to [me]2813-john , takes the glass from [my]2813-john hand and picks [me]2813-john up , placing [me]2813-john on the worktop . [My]2813-john jaw is seized and pulled up to meet [his]536-ava face . [I]2813-john maintain [my]2813-john scowl , looking at [him]536-ava through pissed off eyes . ‘ [Sarah]60-sarah has nothing . [I]536-ava kicked [her]60-sarah out when [she]60-sarah came clean , and thought no more of it . ’[536-ava] [He]536-ava takes a deep breath . ‘ Until [John]2813-john spoke with [her]60-sarah and [she]60-sarah was saying all kinds of fucked up shit , the most worrying part mentioning death being better than living [her]60-sarah life without [me]536-ava . ’[536-ava] [My]2813-john suspicious mind instantly makes [me]2813-john think that it ’s another ploy to nab [him]536-ava . [I]2813-john ca n’t help it . ‘ Attention seeker . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john snipe , still scowling . [Her]1995-her past actions are a clear indication to what lengths [she]1995-her ’ll go to . ‘ [I]536-ava thought so , too , but [John]2813-john was n’t so sure . [He]2813-john found [her]1995-her . [She]1995-her ’d slashed [her]1995-her wrists and taken a pile of pain killers . ’[536-ava] [He]536-ava raises [his]536-ava eyebrows as [I]2813-john recoil . ‘ It was no cry for help , [Ava]536-ava . There was no attention seeking about it . [John]2813-john only just got [her]1995-her to [the hospital]742-the hospital in time . [She]1995-her wanted to die . ’[536-ava] [My]2813-john brain is failing [me]2813-john on all counts . There are plenty of sensible questions that [I]2813-john should be asking , but nothing is coming to [me]2813-john . [I]2813-john ’m blank . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john do n’t want another death on [my]2813-john conscience , [baby]306-jesse . [I]2813-john live with [Jake]786-jake ’s every single day . [I]2813-john ca n’t do it . ’ [I]306-jesse choke on sympathy . ‘[306-jesse] [She]306-jesse came to see [me]2813-john . ’ [I]306-jesse say . [I]306-jesse do n’t know where it comes from . ‘[306-jesse] [She]306-jesse told [me]2813-john . ’ [He]306-jesse reaches up and cups [my]2813-john cheek . ‘[2813-john] But [I]2813-john ’m surprised [you]2813-john never mentioned this before . ’[2813-john] What can [I]2813-john say ? That [Sarah]60-sarah ’s words were , in fact , the reason for [my]2813-john clarity ? That [she]60-sarah was the reason [I]2813-john turned up at [The Manor]226-the manor in [such a state]1998-such a state ? ‘ [I]60-sarah did n’t think it was important . ’[60-sarah] [I]2813-john answer feebly . Does [he]1999-he know exactly when [Sarah]60-sarah paid [me]2813-john a visit , because if [he]1999-he does , then surely [he]1999-he ’ll know that a couple of hours later , [I]2813-john was a deranged wreck , desperate to see [him]1999-he . ‘ It was [Sarah]60-sarah who told [Matt]264-matt about [my]1999-he drinking . ’[1999-he] [He]1999-he starts biting [his]1999-he lip . [I]2813-john recoil further , and [his]1999-he hand drops from [my]2813-john face . That ’s how [Matt]264-matt found out ? ‘ Is that how [you]264-matt knew [I]1999-he was collecting [my]1999-he clothes from [Matt]264-matt ’s too ? ’[1999-he] [He]1999-he nods . ‘ [She]2000-she said [she]2000-she ’d overheard [you]264-matt on the phone , telling someone [you]264-matt were intending to pick [your]264-matt stuff up . [I]1999-he was too mad to piece it together . [I]1999-he saw red , acted on impulse and asked questions later . ’[1999-he] So [her]2000-she list of misdemeanours goes further . [I]2813-john desperately do not want to feel sorry for [her]2000-she . ‘ [She]2000-she said [she]2000-she could n’t work for [you]264-matt anymore . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john remind [him]1999-he . ‘ So how come [she]2000-she is ? ’[2813-john] ‘ [I]2000-she asked [her]2000-she . [I]2000-she ’ll never find [someone else]920-someone else to do the job , which means [I]2000-she ’ll have to do it , and [I]2000-she ’m[2000-she] not prepared to give up [my]2813-john time with [you]2001-you . And [you]2001-you should know , [she]2000-she only accepted on the condition that [you]2001-you were okay with it . ’ If [I]2000-she ’m[2000-she] okay with it ? That makes [me]2813-john feel like total shit . So the future of [Sarah]60-sarah has been placed in [my]2813-john hands ? If [I]2813-john say no , will [she]60-sarah try to top [herself]60-sarah again ? And if [I]2813-john agree , will [I]2813-john be facing another round of [Sarah]60-sarah trying to split [us]2002-us up ? ‘ [You]60-sarah ’re[60-sarah] not giving [me]2813-john much of a choice . ’ [I]60-sarah mutter . [I]60-sarah ’m[60-sarah] trying and failing to be logical here . [I]2813-john do n’t want to lose [Jesse]306-jesse to [The Manor]226-the manor ’s demands at the best of times , not least to piles of paperwork that will stress [him]306-jesse out . [I]2813-john ’ll never see [him]306-jesse , but if [I]2813-john accept this , then [I]2813-john ’m accepting what [she]60-sarah has done to [us]2002-us , and [I]2813-john do n’t think [I]2813-john can do that , not even when [she]60-sarah ’s tried to kill [herself]60-sarah . But [Jesse]306-jesse ’s words keep running on repeat in [my]2813-john head . [I]2813-john live with [Jake]786-jake ’s every single day . [I]2813-john ca n’t do it . And [I]2813-john ca n’t do it to [him]306-jesse , just because of [my]2813-john insecurities regarding [The Manor ’s resident [Indiana Jones]46-indiana jones]3877-the manor ’s resident indiana jones . [My]2813-john anxieties are justified , but [Jesse]306-jesse ’s guilt is n’t , and [I]2813-john ca n’t put [him]306-jesse through any more than [he]306-jesse ’s already dealt with . It would be cruel and selfish . [I]2813-john love [him]306-jesse too much . [He]306-jesse re - cups [my]2813-john cheeks and pierces [me]2813-john with green eyes full of sincerity . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’ll tell [her]2004-her it ’s a no go . [I]2813-john ’m not prepared to see [you]2813-john so unhappy . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john crumble on the inside . [He]2005-he ’s prepared to live with the potential of further blood on [his]2005-he hands , even though none of this is [his]2005-he fault , just to keep [me]2813-john happy ? [I]2813-john shake [my]2813-john head in [his]2005-he grasp . ‘ No , [I]2813-john want [you]2813-john with [me]2813-john more than [I]2813-john want [her]2004-her gone . ’[2813-john] ‘ [You]2813-john do ? ’[2005-he] [He]2005-he sounds surprised . ‘ Of course [I]2005-he do , but [you]2813-john have to promise [me]2005-he something . ’[2005-he] ‘ Anything , [you]2813-john know that . ’[2005-he] [He]2005-he kisses [my]2813-john forehead . This is not strictly true because [he]2005-he would n’t ask this of [me]2813-john . [I]2813-john ’m trying to disregard the mitigating circumstances , but it ’s hard to ignore a woman who ’s attempted suicide because [[my]2813-john husband]420-my husband does n’t want [her]420-my husband . ‘[2813-john] When [the babies]1527-two babies arrive , [you]2007-you wo n’t be at [The Manor]226-the manor day and night . [You]2007-you ’ll be with [me]2813-john as often as [you]2007-you can . [I]2813-john do n’t know if [I]2813-john can do this . ’ The fear of being alone with [twins]3535-twins is scaring [me]2009-he . [I]2009-he do n’t care that [I]2009-he ’ve just admitted it . [One baby]1416-one baby was frightening enough . [Two babies]1527-two babies ? [I]2009-he ’m[2009-he] terrified , and [he]2009-he needs to know . [His]2009-he lips curve at the edges . [He]2009-he finds [my]2813-john panic funny ? ‘ [Ava]536-ava , [you]536-ava ’ll have to bury [me]2009-he six feet under before [I]2009-he have it any other way . [You]536-ava can do it because [you]536-ava have [me]2009-he . ’[2009-he] [He]2009-he wraps [me]2813-john in [his]2009-he arms and pulls [me]2813-john off the counter so [I]2813-john ’m left little choice but to cling onto [him]2009-he with [my]2010-we legs around [his]2009-he naked hips and [my]2010-we arms around [his]2009-he naked shoulders . ‘[2010-we] [We]2010-we ’re going to be okay . ’[2010-we] ‘ [I]2813-john know . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john admit . [I]2813-john ’m feeling needy , like [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] seeking constant reassurance . [He]2009-he ’ll always give it to [me]2813-john , but [he]2009-he must be slightly concerned by [my]2813-john anxiousness . [I]2813-john ’m hardly showing any motherly tendencies . Should n’t it be [the woman]60-sarah reading the books and buying folic acid ? ‘[2813-john] Let ’s not fight . It makes [my]2813-john heart split in pain , and [I]2813-john do n’t want [you]2011-you stressing out . [We]2010-we have to watch [your]2011-you blood pressure . ’ [He]2009-he starts pacing back towards [the bedroom]663-the bedroom . [I]2813-john link [my]2813-john fingers at the nape of [his]2009-he neck and lean back so [I]2813-john can see [him]2009-he . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m confiscating that book . ’[2009-he] [He]2009-he grins at [me]2813-john . ‘ That ’s [my]2009-he book , and [I]2009-he ’m[2009-he] keeping it . ’ ‘[390-friends] [We]2010-we need to make [friends]390-friends . ’ [I]390-friends straighten [my]390-friends back , pulling [my]390-friends body into [his]2009-he so [my]390-friends nipple is at [his]2009-he mouth . ‘[390-friends] Did [you]2013-you read the part of the book that says [a husband]79-irene should service [[his]79-irene wife]79-irene as [she]79-irene demands ? ’ [He]79-irene bites down gently and swirls [his]79-irene tongue in a deliciously slow rotation , spiking a moan from [me]2813-john and a chuckle from [him]79-irene . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john did , but [[our]2010-we plane]2015-our plane is scheduled for take - off in two hours . [I]2813-john need more time , so [I]2813-john ’ll service [you]2013-you in the tub when [we]2010-we get [home]2904-home . Deal ? ’ ‘[2013-you] No deal . ’ [I]2013-you retort , thrusting [my]2013-you chest to [his]79-irene mouth again . ‘[2013-you] [I]2813-john want to stay in Paradise . ’ ‘[2013-you] [You]2013-you ’re incorrigible , and [I]2813-john love it . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m lowered to the bed on a disgusted snort . ‘[2813-john] But [we]2010-we need to catch that flight . ’ ‘[2013-you] [I]2813-john need [you]2013-you . ’ [I]536-ava grasp [his]79-irene cock loosely , teasingly , and [he]79-irene jumps away . ‘[536-ava] [Ava]536-ava , when [I]2813-john have [you]2013-you , [I]2813-john like to take [my]2813-john time . ’ [He]79-irene plants a chaste kiss on [my]2813-john lips . ‘[2813-john] Pack . ’ [I]2813-john flop back on the bed in complete pregnancy fuelled exasperation . [My]2813-john time in [Paradise]41-paradise is up . Chapter 27 [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] barely functioning by the time [we]2010-we pull up at [Lusso]95-lusso . [I]2813-john ’ve slept for the best part of the journey , and [I]2813-john ’m still beat . [I]2813-john do n’t even attempt to get out of [the car]709-the car when the ignition is switched off and [Jesse]306-jesse unclips [my]2813-john seatbelt for [me]2813-john . [I]2813-john stay sunken in the leather until [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] physically removed . [I]2813-john just about manage to rip [my]2813-john eyes open when [we]2010-we ’re in [the elevator]604-the elevator , just so [I]2010-we can refresh [my]2010-we sleepy mind of [his]306-jesse beauty . [He]306-jesse negotiates the locks , kicks the door open and closed again , and carries [me]2010-we up [the stairs]3122-the stairs . [My]2010-we eyes are still closed , but [I]2010-we recognise the familiar , squidgy surface of [the master - suite]3268-the master - suite ’s bed when [I]2010-we ’m[2010-we] placed on it . ‘ [I]2010-we ’ll start the bath and get the cases . Will [you]2010-we be okay ? ’[2010-we] ‘ [Hmmm]139-hmmm . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john roll onto [my]2813-john side . [I]2813-john ca n’t even be bothered to have a bath with [Jesse]306-jesse , and that is unheard of . [I]2813-john hear [him]306-jesse laugh lightly and the running of water from [the en - suite]2017-the en - suite , and then [he]306-jesse ’s picking [me]2813-john up again . ‘ [I]2813-john thought [you]2010-we were getting the cases . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john mumble . ‘ [I]306-jesse already did , [Ava]536-ava . [You]2010-we drifted off again . ’[306-jesse] [He]306-jesse places [me]2813-john on [my]2813-john tired feet and strips [me]2813-john down , before unclothing [himself]306-jesse with one hand while holding [me]2813-john steady with the other , like [he]306-jesse thinks [I]2813-john could collapse . [I]2813-john think [I]2813-john really could . [I]2813-john have zero energy . [I]2813-john ’m lifted from [my]2813-john feet and sunk into the bath with [him]306-jesse , and [I]2813-john do n’t help at all . [I]2813-john let [him]306-jesse position [me]2813-john so [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] cradled in [his]306-jesse arms on [his]306-jesse lap , the side of [my]2813-john face settled snuggly on [his]306-jesse shoulder . The hot water is doing nothing to wake [me]2813-john up . ‘ [I]2018-my self - professed tub man ’ve missed this . ’[2018-my self - professed tub man] [[My]2813-john self - professed tub man]2018-my self - professed tub man says quietly . ‘ [I]2018-my self - professed tub man know [you]2813-john ’re[2018-my self - professed tub man] tired , but [I]2813-john just want a few minutes . ’ ‘[2813-john] Okay . ’ [I]2813-john agree . As long as [he]306-jesse dries [me]2813-john off and puts [me]2813-john to bed afterwards , then [he]306-jesse can do what [he]306-jesse likes with [me]2813-john . ‘[2813-john] And [I]2813-john need to service [you]2813-john . ’ [he]306-jesse adds . [My]2018-my self - professed tub man sleepy eyes snap right open , and [my]2018-my self - professed tub man lusty brain quickly engages . [I]2018-my self - professed tub man can definitely find the energy from somewhere for that . [I]2018-my self - professed tub man go to shift , but [I]2018-my self - professed tub man ’m[2018-my self - professed tub man] held in place as [he]2018-my self - professed tub man laughs . ‘ [Jesus]306-jesse , [Ava]536-ava . [You]306-jesse fucking would as well , would n’t [you]306-jesse ? ’[2018-my self - professed tub man] ‘ Always . ’[2018-my self - professed tub man] ‘ [I]2018-my self - professed tub man ’m[2018-my self - professed tub man] touched , but [I]2813-john like [[my]2813-john wife]2849-my wife conscious when [I]2813-john fuck [her]2849-my wife . ’ ‘[2813-john] Do n’t say the word fuck . ’ [I]2813-john grumble . ‘[2813-john] That ’ll just make [me]2813-john want [you]2813-john more . ’ ‘[2813-john] Is that even possible ? ’ [he]2018-my self - professed tub man asks seriously . ‘[2813-john] Probably not . ’ [I]2813-john do n’t bother scoffing at [his]2018-my self - professed tub man arrogance . [He]2018-my self - professed tub man ’s right . ‘[2813-john] Let [me]2813-john see [you]2813-john . ’ [I]2813-john complain , wriggling from [his]2018-my self - professed tub man iron grip . [I]2813-john haul [my]2813-john exhausted body up and straddle [his]2018-my self - professed tub man lap , reaching up to feel [his]2018-my self - professed tub man nearly two days ’[2813-john] worth of stubble . ‘ Do n’t shave tomorrow . ’[2813-john] ‘ No ? ’[2813-john] ‘ No . Day two is [my]2813-john favourite day . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john lean in so [I]2813-john can run [my]2813-john cheek up [his]2813-john . ‘ And [I]2813-john want [you]2813-john to wear [your]2813-john grey suit and black shirt . ’[2813-john] ‘ Tie or no tie ? ’[2813-john] ‘ Tie . [Your]2813-john grey one , knotted loosely . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john kiss [my]2813-john way to [his]2813-john lips and slip [my]2813-john tongue past them gently . [He]2813-john returns [my]2813-john kiss , tenderly , sweetly , lovingly . ‘ If [you]2813-john get to decide what [I]2813-john wear , then it ’s only fair that [I]2813-john get to decide what [you]2813-john wear . ’[2813-john] ‘ [You]2813-john do anyway . ’[2813-john] ‘ No [I]2813-john do n’t because [you]2813-john wo n’t let [me]2813-john . ’[2813-john] [His]2813-john hands find the back of [my]2813-john head and pull [me]2813-john closer . ‘ What do [you]2813-john want [me]2813-john to wear ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john practically moan the words against [his]2813-john lips . ‘ [Your]2813-john black dress . ’[2813-john] ‘ The one that comes to [my]2813-john knee and has three quarter length sleeves ? ’[2813-john] ‘ That ’s the one . [I]2813-john love any dress [you]2813-john wear , but [I]2813-john really love [that one]3463-that one . ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john bites down on [my]2813-john lip and pulls away , dragging [my]2813-john lip through [his]2813-john teeth as [he]2813-john does . ‘ No , ’[2813-john] [he]2813-john whispers . [I]2813-john ’m going to be slighted again . [I]2813-john can tell by the resoluteness on [his]2813-john devastating face . [He]2813-john ’s probably right to refuse [me]2813-john , but it wo n’t stop the budding desire that ’s attacking [my]2813-john insatiable being . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] always greedy for [him]2813-john , but lately [I]2813-john ’ve been relentless . ‘ [You]2020-you said [you]2020-you ca n’t say no to [me]2813-john . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john catch a naughty rub of [my]2813-john groin into [his]2813-john . [I]2813-john have no shame . ‘ [I]2813-john can when [you]2020-you ’re[2813-john] barely keeping [your]2020-you eyes open , [lady]2813-john . The answer is no , end of . ’ [His]2813-john big hands clench [my]2813-john hips warningly , and [I]2813-john jerk a little before [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] turned around so [he]2813-john can run the soaking sponge across [my]2813-john back . ‘ Pregnancy is playing havoc with [your]2020-you hormones . ’[2813-john] ‘ Only if [you]2020-you continue to refuse [me]2813-john . [You]2020-you ’re[2813-john] giving [me]2813-john a complex , and [I]2813-john ’m not even fat yet . ’[2813-john] ‘ [Ava]536-ava , ’[2813-john] [he]2813-john snaps . ‘ Pregnancy is also making [you]2020-you deluded . Stop it . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john sigh to [myself]2813-john and drop [my]2813-john head between [my]2813-john bent knees , pulling [my]2813-john hair over [my]2813-john shoulder to give [him]2813-john access to [my]2813-john entire back . [His]2813-john rhythmic caresses with the sponge make [my]2813-john eyes heavy again , and [I]2813-john give in to [my]2813-john fatigue , letting [Jesse]306-jesse have [his]2813-john way . The second [he]2813-john refuses [me]2813-john when [I]2813-john ’m not mentally and physically exhausted , all hell will break loose . ‘[2813-john] Thank [you]2022-you for taking [me]2813-john to Paradise . ’ [I]88-baby murmur quietly . [He]2813-john kisses [my]88-baby shoulder and rests [his]2813-john mouth at [my]88-baby ear . ‘[88-baby] [Baby]88-baby , [you]2022-you take [me]2813-john to [Paradise]41-paradise every day . ’ * * * [I]88-baby ’m[88-baby] not a happy bunny . [He]2813-john ’s woken , gone for a run , showered and dressed , all without [me]2813-john , but [he]2813-john left [my]2813-john ginger biscuit and folic acid by the bed with some water . [I]2813-john ’m standing in front of the floor length mirror in [my]2813-john lace , drying [my]2813-john hair , when [I]2813-john see [him]2813-john in the reflection , strolling into [the bedroom]2800-the bathroom . [I]2813-john ’ll give [him]2813-john just a little credit . [He]2813-john ’s not shaved and [he]2813-john has on [his]2813-john grey suit , black shirt and the tie [I]2813-john requested , but it does n’t improve [my]2813-john mood , even if [he]2813-john does look edible . ‘[2813-john] Morning , ’ [he]2813-john chirps , all happy and awake . [I]2023-i flip [him]2813-john a scowl and chuck [my]2023-i hairdryer on the floor before stalking into [the wardrobe]2800-the bathroom to find something to wear . [I]2023-i know what [I]2023-i should be pulling down from the hanger , but in a fit of pure childishness , [I]2023-i pick something else , pulling it on and zipping it up quickly . [I]2023-i exit the wardrobe and slip [my]2023-i feet into [my]2023-i black suede heels , and then head straight for [the bathroom]2800-the bathroom . [I]2023-i ’m[2023-i] aware of [his]2023-i large frame to the side of [me]2813-john , following [my]2813-john every move . [I]2813-john snatch a quick look as [I]2813-john pass and see [his]2023-i hands resting lightly in [his]2023-i trouser pockets and an amused expression on [his]2023-i face . [I]2813-john do n’t humour [him]2023-i with [my]2813-john time or silver tongue , instead finding [my]2813-john way to the bathroom mirror and making fast work of [my]2813-john make - up . [He]2023-i walks in and comes to stand behind [me]2813-john , [his]2023-i fresh water loveliness smacking [me]2813-john right in the nose . ‘ What do [you]2813-john think [you]2813-john ’re[2023-i] doing ? ’ [he]2023-i asks , still displaying amusement on [his]2023-i face . [I]2813-john pause , mid - mascara application , and pull back from the mirror . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m putting [my]2813-john make - up on . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john answer , knowing this is not what [he]2023-i means . ‘ Let [me]2023-i rephrase that . What do [you]2813-john think [you]2813-john ’re[2023-i] wearing ? ’ ‘[2023-i] A dress . ’ [His]2023-i eyebrows hit [his]2023-i hairline . ‘[2023-i] Let ’s not start the day on a bad note , [lady]2813-john . ’ [He]2023-i holds [my]2023-i black pencil dress up . ‘[2023-i] Put the dress on . ’ [I]2023-i take a deep breath of calm , and turn to take the dress before exiting [the bathroom]2800-the bathroom without a word . [I]2023-i ’ll put the dress on , but only because [I]2023-i ’m[2023-i] worked up enough . Not only have [I]2813-john been snatched from Paradise , but , as predicted , [I]2813-john ’ve also been tossed off [Central Jesse Cloud Nine]306-jesse . [London]3-london does [our]2025-our relationship absolutely no favours . No , let [me]2813-john rephrase that . [Jesse]306-jesse in [London]3-london does [our]2025-our relationship no favours . [I]2813-john go out of [my]2813-john way to make the biggest deal of demonstrating the inconvenience [he]306-jesse ’s causing , not that [he]306-jesse ’s bothered . [He]306-jesse stands patiently and observes as [I]2813-john remove [my]2813-john unauthorised dress and replace it with the one [he]306-jesse ’s sanctioned . Reaching behind [my]2813-john back , [I]2813-john grasp the zipper and pull it up [my]2813-john back , but [I]2813-john only get halfway before [I]2813-john lose [my]2813-john grip of the little piece of metal . [I]2813-john quickly locate it again , but the same thing happens . [I]2813-john close [my]2813-john eyes , hating having to ask the smug arse for assistance . ‘ Will [you]2813-john zip [me]2813-john up , please ? ’[2813-john] ‘ Of course , ’[306-jesse] [he]306-jesse chirps , and the next second [he]306-jesse ’s pressed against [my]2813-john back , [his]306-jesse mouth at [my]2813-john ear . ‘ With great pleasure . ’[306-jesse] [he]306-jesse murmurs , instigating a ferocious wave of treacherous tingles to ride through [me]2813-john . [My]2813-john hair is grasped and draped down [my]2813-john front before [he]306-jesse takes the zip and tugs . ‘ Oh dear . ’[306-jesse] ‘ What ? Is it broken ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john could laugh . Not because [my]2813-john dress is damaged , [I]2813-john love this dress , but because [I]2813-john know [he]306-jesse wo n’t send [me]2813-john to work with material gaping open at [my]2813-john back . ‘ [Urm]306-jesse … ’[306-jesse] [he]306-jesse tries again . ‘ No , [baby]306-jesse . [I]306-jesse think [you]306-jesse may have grown out of it . ’[306-jesse] [I]2813-john gasp , completely horrified , and turn to see [my]2813-john back in the mirror . There ’s a good inch on bare flesh revealed and the material is not stretchy . [I]2813-john sag on the inside and out . And so it begins . All of the pregnancy side effects will be accelerated because [I]2813-john have two peanuts , not one . [I]2813-john refuse to cry , although [I]2813-john could , quite easily . [I]2813-john need to embrace this . [I]2813-john need to match [Jesse]306-jesse in the enthusiasm stakes . It ’s all right for [him]306-jesse , [he]306-jesse ’s still going to be [a God]3561-a god at the end of all this , whereas [my]2813-john body will probably be ravaged . [I]2813-john turn to face [him]306-jesse , finding an apprehensive face around a chewed lip . [He]306-jesse thinks [I]2813-john ’m going to disintegrate . ‘[2813-john] Can [I]2813-john put [my]2813-john other dress on now ? ’ [I]2813-john ask quietly . [He]306-jesse visibly relaxes and even fetches [my]2813-john other dress for [me]2813-john , helping [me]2813-john out of the now redundant one and into the newly authorised one . ‘[2813-john] Beautiful , ’ [he]306-jesse says . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john need to scram . [Cathy]1284-cathy ’s [downstairs]316-downstairs and [she]1284-cathy ’s made [you]2028-you breakfast . Please eat it . ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john will . ’ [He]306-jesse ca n’t hide [his]306-jesse surprise at [my]2813-john easy submission . ‘[2813-john] Thank [you]2028-you . ’ ‘[2813-john] [You]2028-you do n’t have to thank [me]2813-john for eating . ’ [I]2813-john mutter , grabbing [my]2813-john bag . [I]2813-john make [my]2813-john way out of [the bedroom]663-the bedroom . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john feel like [I]2813-john should thank [you]2028-you for everything [you]2028-you do without arguing with [me]2813-john about it . ’ [He]2813-john follows [me]2813-john down [the stairs]3122-the stairs . ‘[2813-john] If [you]2028-you were still fucking sense into [me]2813-john , then [I]2813-john would argue . ’ [I]2813-john land at the bottom . ‘[2813-john] Are [you]2028-you pissed because [I]2813-john did n’t service [you]2028-you this morning ? ’ [he]2813-john asks , amusement rife in [his]2813-john tone . ‘[2813-john] Yes . ’ ‘[2813-john] Thought so . ’ [He]2813-john grabs [my]2813-john hand and swings [me]2813-john around so [my]2813-john body crashes against [his]2813-john hard chest . Then [he]2813-john eats [me]2813-john alive . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] taken with purpose and conviction , and [I]2813-john do n’t stop [him]2028-you . It ’ll never make up for the sex [we]2029-we did n’t have this morning , but it might quench [my]2813-john thirst until later . ‘ Have a nice day , [baby]1026-boy . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m spun back around and [my]2813-john arse is slapped , before [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] guided to [the kitchen archway]2030-the kitchen archway . ‘ Make sure [[my]2813-john wife]2849-my wife eats [her]2849-my wife breakfast , [Cathy]1284-cathy . ’[2813-john] ‘ [I]2031-i will , [boy]1026-boy . ’[2031-i] [She]2031-i waves a whisk over [her]2031-i head , but does n’t turn around . ‘ [I]2028-you ’ll see [you]1026-boy later . And do n’t forget to speak with [Patrick]374-patrick . ’[2028-you] [He]2028-you strides out without waiting for confirmation that [I]2813-john will , indeed , talk to [Patrick]374-patrick . [I]2813-john know [my]2813-john time is up on that matter . ‘ [Ava]536-ava , [you]536-ava look so well ! ’[1284-cathy] [Cathy]1284-cathy sings at [me]2813-john from across [the kitchen]3044-the kitchen . ‘ All glowing and fresh ! ’[1284-cathy] ‘ Thanks , [Cathy]1284-cathy . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john smile at [her]2031-i kindness but wonder if [she]2031-i ’s just trying to make [me]2813-john feel better . ‘ Can [I]2031-i take [my]2031-i bagel with [me]2031-i ? [I]2031-i ’m[2031-i] running a little late . ’ ‘[2031-i] Of course . ’ [She]2031-i starts wrapping it in cling film . ‘[2031-i] Did [you]1284-cathy have a nice time ? ’ [My]2034-my smile broadens as [I]2034-my approach [her]2031-i to collect [my]2034-my breakfast . ‘[2034-my] [We]2034-my had a lovely time . ’ [I]2813-john say , because [we]2034-my did , despite the last horrific evening . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m so glad . [You]1284-cathy both needed a break . Tell [me]2813-john , are the biscuits working ? ’[2813-john] ‘ Yes , ’[2813-john] ‘ [I]2035-i knew [they]2034-my would . And [twins]3535-twins ! ’[2035-i] [She]2035-i shoves [my]2813-john bagel in [my]2813-john bag and clasps [my]2813-john cheeks . ‘ Do [you]1284-cathy realise how lucky [you]1284-cathy are ? ’[2035-i] ‘ Yes , ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john answer , actually meaning it . ‘ [I]2813-john should get going . ’[2813-john] ‘ Yes , yes , [you]1284-cathy go , [dear]1284-cathy . [I]2813-john ’ll get started on the washing . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john leave [Cathy]1284-cathy sorting whites and darks , and board [the elevator]604-the elevator after punching in the new code . [I]2813-john ’m quickly delivered into [the foyer of [Lusso]95-lusso]598-the foyer of lusso , where [I]95-lusso find [Casey]95-lusso sorting out the post . ‘[95-lusso] Morning , [Casey]95-lusso . ’ [I]72-mrs ward greet as [I]72-mrs ward bounce past . ‘[72-mrs ward] [Mrs Ward]72-mrs ward ! [You]72-mrs ward ’re back . ’[95-lusso] [He]95-lusso joins [me]2813-john as [I]2813-john head for the brightness of outside . ‘ Did [you]72-mrs ward have a nice time ? ’[95-lusso] ‘ [Casey]95-lusso , [you]72-mrs ward do n’t need to call [me]2813-john [Mrs Ward]72-mrs ward . [Ava]536-ava will do . [We]3896-we had a great time , thank [you]72-mrs ward . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john slip [my]2813-john shades on and retrieve [my]2813-john keys from [my]2813-john bag . ‘ How are [you]72-mrs ward enjoying the new job ? ’[2813-john] ‘ More now [you]72-mrs ward ’re[95-lusso] back . ’ [I]2813-john skid to a halt . ‘[2813-john] Pardon ? ’ [He]95-lusso blushes terribly and starts fiddling with the envelopes in [his]95-lusso grasp . ‘[2813-john] That came out wrong . Sorry . It ’s just , well , did [you]2037-you know that [you]2037-you ’re [the only woman in [the whole building]3898-the whole building]3897-the only woman in the whole building ? ’[2037-you] ‘ Am [I]2037-you ? ’[2037-you] ‘ Yes . [All these rich businessmen]3899-all these rich businessmen do n’t say a word . [They]3899-all these rich businessmen just grunt at [me]2038-the only one who takes the time to speak or make demands down the phone . [You]2037-you ’re[2038-the only one who takes the time to speak] [the only one who takes the time to speak]2038-the only one who takes the time to speak . [I]2813-john appreciate it , that ’s all . ’ ‘[2813-john] Oh , okay . ’ [I]2813-john smile at [his]2813-john awkwardness . ‘[2813-john] [You]2037-you mean rich business men like [[my]2813-john husband]420-my husband ? ’ [He]2813-john blushes further . ‘[2813-john] Okay , now [I]2813-john ’m just digging [myself]2813-john a hole . ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john laughs uncomfortably . ‘ It ’s just nice to see a cheerful face around here again . ’[2813-john] ‘ Thank [you]2037-you , ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john smile , and [he]2813-john returns it , [his]2813-john steel blue eyes twinkling . ‘ [I]2813-john ’d better be going . ’[2813-john] ‘ Sure . [I]2813-john ’ll catch [you]2037-you later . ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john backs away before turning and strolling off casually , back to [his]2813-john desk . [I]2813-john need to get [my]2813-john backside in gear . It ’s [my]2813-john first day back , and [I]2813-john ’m going to be late . [I]2813-john need to be in [Patrick]374-patrick ’s good books today . [I]2813-john do n’t even falter in [my]2813-john steps when [I]2813-john emerge from [Lusso]95-lusso and see [John]2813-john waiting for [me]2813-john . [He]2813-john does n’t shrug apologetically like [he]2813-john usually would , either . [I]2813-john had fully expected this . ‘[2813-john] How are [you]2040-you , [John]2813-john ? ’ It ’s good to see [him]2813-john again . [I]87-ruth ’ve missed [the big friendly guy]3900-the big friendly guy . ‘[87-ruth] S’all good , [girl]87-ruth . ’ [he]2813-john rumbles , following [my]2040-you path around to the passenger side . [I]2040-you jump in and secure [myself]2040-you with the seatbelt , watching as [John]2813-john takes [his]2813-john seat beside [me]2040-you on a frown . ‘[2040-you] [You]2040-you ’re not going to kick up a stink today ? ’[2813-john] [he]2813-john asks , [his]2813-john voice plagued with laughter . ‘ [I]2813-john think [I]2813-john ’d be signing [my]2813-john own death warrant if [I]2813-john did . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john answer dryly . [John]2813-john laughs , shifting [his]2813-john big body in the seat before starting [his]2813-john Ranger Rover up . ‘ [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] glad . [I]2813-john was under strict instructions to manhandle [you]2040-you with optimum care if [you]2040-you resisted . ’ [He]2813-john looks across at [me]87-ruth through [his]2813-john black wraparounds . ‘[87-ruth] [I]2813-john did n’t want to resort to that , [girl]87-ruth . ’ [I]87-ruth grin at [him]2813-john . ‘[87-ruth] So are [you]2040-you [[my]2813-john assigned bodyguard]2043-my assigned bodyguard now , then ? ’ [I]2813-john know if there was [anyone else [Jesse]306-jesse]3901-anyone else jesse would trust [me]2813-john to , it would be [John]2813-john . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] kidding , of course , but [John]2813-john ca n’t appreciate taxying [me]2813-john to work every day . ‘ If it keeps that [mother fucker]3422-mother fucker happy , [I]2813-john ’ll do whatever [he]2813-john wants . ’[2813-john] [John]2813-john swigs out of [the car park]711-the car park . ‘ Are [you]2813-john and [the babies]3585-the babies okay ? ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john keeps [his]2813-john eyes on [the road]577-the road . ‘ Yes , but now there are three of [us]3904-us for [Jesse]306-jesse to get [his]2813-john knickers in a twist over . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john grumble . ‘ [Crazy mother fucker]3905-crazy mother fucker . ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john laughs , revealing [his]2813-john gold tooth . ‘ How are [you]2813-john feeling ? ’[2813-john] ‘ Do [you]2813-john mean being pregnant , or after the accident ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john keep [my]2813-john eyes on [him]2813-john , gaging [his]2813-john reaction . [I]2813-john want to know if there have been any developments since [we]2046-we ’ve been away . ‘ Both , [girl]87-ruth . ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john says no more . ‘ Fine , on both counts , thank [you]87-ruth . Any news on [[Jesse]306-jesse ’s car]3465-jesse ’s car ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john sweep straight in . [I]2813-john ’m comfortable enough with [John]2813-john to blurt out what [I]2813-john want . ‘[2813-john] Nothing for [you]2047-you to worry about , [girl]87-ruth . ’ [he]2813-john answers coolly . [I]2813-john might be comfortable enough to ask , but [I]2813-john need to remember that [John]2813-john is also comfortable enough to brush [me]2813-john off . [I]2813-john wo n’t get anything out of [him]2813-john . ‘[2813-john] How was Paradise ? ’ [he]2813-john asks in a blatant change of subject tactic . ‘[2813-john] It was paradise , ’ [I]2813-john muse . ‘[2813-john] Until [we]2049-we bumped into [[Jesse]306-jesse ’s parents]1475-his parents . ’ [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] not sure if [I]2813-john should be divulging this , but [I]2813-john ’ve said it now and judging by the look that ’s just flashed across the ever cool giant ’s face , [I]2813-john ’ve shocked [him]306-jesse . [I]2813-john nod [my]2813-john head , confirming that [he]306-jesse heard [me]2813-john right , and [his]306-jesse shiny forehead wrinkles above [his]306-jesse shades . ‘ [Amalie]152-amalie ’s wedding got postponed because [[Jesse]306-jesse ’s dad]306-jesse had a heart attack , ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john continue . [John]2813-john must be aware of the wedding , [the invite]2051-the invite , and [[Jesse]306-jesse parents living near to [Paradise]41-paradise]1475-his parents . [He]1475-his parents ’s been around forever , according to [Jesse]306-jesse . ‘ [Henry]152-amalie had a heart attack ? ’[306-jesse] [he]306-jesse asks , surprised . ‘ And what went down ? ’[306-jesse] ‘ What went down ? ’[2813-john] ‘ Yes , did [they]1475-his parents speak ? How was [Jesse]306-jesse ? ’[2813-john] [John]2813-john sounds really curious , which is pricking at [my]2813-john own curiosity . [I]2813-john spill it all . ‘ [Jesse]306-jesse practically made a public announcement to [the restaurant]2975-the restaurant where [we]3908-we were eating . [He]306-jesse told [the bloody world]3909-the bloody world that [we]3908-we were married and expecting [twins]3535-twins . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john pause and let [John]2813-john get [his]2813-john sudden burst of laughter under control . ‘ Anyway , [this woman]464-dan kept staring at [me]2813-john and when [I]2813-john asked [Jesse]306-jesse if [he]2813-john knew [her]464-dan , [he]2813-john went all peculiar and hauled [me]2813-john out of [the place]2776-the place . [[His]2813-john mum]1478-his mum found [us]3908-we by [the car]709-the car , started rabbiting on about [twins]3535-twins . [You]3916-you know , because [Jesse]306-jesse was [a twin]1423-a twin . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john watch as [John]2813-john nods [his]2813-john head thoughtfully . What is [he]2813-john concluding from all of this ? ‘ Was that it ? ’[2813-john] ‘ Yes , [I]2813-john got [him]2813-john away from [her]1478-his mum . [He]2813-john was so upset . ’[2813-john] ‘ And afterwards , [he]2813-john did n’t drink ? ’[2813-john] ‘ No , ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john sigh . ‘ But [I]2813-john have a feeling [he]2813-john would have , had [I]2813-john not been there . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john keep seeing [his]2813-john face , the face that resulted in binge drinking and whippings . ‘ Did [you]3916-you know [them]3918-them ? ’[2813-john] ‘ Not really . [I]2813-john do n’t ask questions . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m nodding to [myself]60-sarah . [I]60-sarah know [John]2813-john has been around forever , and [he]2813-john was [[Carmichael]323-carmichael ’s best friend]323-carmichael , so [he]2813-john must know more than [he]2813-john ’s letting on . ‘[60-sarah] How ’s [Sarah]60-sarah ? ’ [He]2813-john shifts in [his]2813-john seat and turns that menacing face to [mine]60-sarah . ‘[60-sarah] Better than [she]60-sarah was . ’ [I]60-sarah wilt in [my]60-sarah seat . [I]60-sarah have nothing to say to that , so [I]60-sarah shut up , unwrap [my]60-sarah bagel and let [John]2813-john drive [me]60-sarah the rest of the way in silence . [I]60-sarah audibly sigh when [John]2813-john pulls up at the kerb . ‘[60-sarah] What ’s up , [girl]60-sarah ? ’ [I]60-sarah gather [my]60-sarah bag and exit [the car]709-the car before [I]60-sarah can convince [John]2813-john to drive [me]60-sarah to [The Manor]226-the manor . ‘[60-sarah] It ’s time to advise [[my]2813-john boss of [a certain Danish client]2053-a certain danish client]2052-my boss of a certain danish client . ’ ‘[60-sarah] Oh , ’ [he]2052-my boss of a certain danish client says slowly . ‘[60-sarah] Good luck . ’ [I]60-sarah think [I]60-sarah actually blow the sarcastic sod a raspberry . Good luck ? ‘[60-sarah] Yeah , thanks , [John]2813-john . ’ [I]2813-john quip , slamming the door and hearing that deep baritone laugh getting quieter as the car door comes between [us]3921-us . [I]2813-john take a deep breath of confidence and stride into [[my]2813-john office]678-my office . [I‘ve]187-i‘ve never dreaded coming to work , but now [I]2813-john really do . [Tom]84-tom ’s screech is the first thing [I]2813-john hear . ‘[2813-john] Oh [my]2813-john God ! [Ava]536-ava ! ’ Then [I]536-ava hear [Victoria]85-victoria . ‘[536-ava] Oh wow , [you]536-ava have a real tan ! ’ Then [I]536-ava see [sparkling Sal]60-sarah , sparkling again . ‘[536-ava] [Ava]536-ava , [you]536-ava look so well . ’ Then [I]536-ava clock [my]536-ava desk and stop dead in [my]536-ava tracks . Balloons … everywhere . With babies on [them]3923-them . There ’s a pack of nappies on [my]536-ava desk , too , and a How To guide on becoming [a mother]3924-a mother . But the worse thing of all , and [I]536-ava pick them up to check [I]536-ava ’m[536-ava] seeing right , are the gigantic maternity jeans laying across the back of [my]2813-john chair , or covering [my]2813-john chair completely , more to the point . As if [my]2813-john morning was n’t depressing enough , with [my]2813-john dress not fitting and the lack of a Jesse wake - up call , [I]2813-john ’ve now been reminded that [I]2813-john ’m going to look like a whale . [He]84-tom really has told [everyone]2825-everyone . [I]536-ava ’m[536-ava] going to kill [him]536-ava . ‘ [I]84-tom knew it ! ’[84-tom] [Tom]84-tom scurries over to [my]2813-john desk . ‘ [I]84-tom knew [you]3926-you were pregnant . But [twins]3535-twins ! Oh wow , this is so exciting ! Will [you]3926-you name one after [me]84-tom ? ’[84-tom] [I]2813-john discard the maternity wear and flop into [my]2813-john chair . [I]2813-john ’ve been [here]2799-here two minutes and [I]2813-john ’ve already had enough . [Double babies]3595-double babies means double excitement , as well as double weight gain and double anxiety . ‘ No , [Tom]84-tom . ’[84-tom] [He]84-tom gasps dramatically . ‘ What ’s wrong with [Tom]84-tom ? ’[84-tom] ‘ Nothing , ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john shrug . ‘ [I]84-tom just wo n’t be naming any of [my]84-tom babies it . ’[84-tom] [He]84-tom snorts [his]84-tom disgust and stomps off , without even wishing [me]2813-john congratulations . ‘ Congratulations , [Ava]536-ava . ’[60-sarah] [Sally]60-sarah bends down and hugs [me]2813-john . [I]2813-john knew [I]2813-john could rely on [Sal]60-sarah . ‘ Coffee ? ’[2813-john] ‘ Please . Three sugars . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john return [her]60-sarah hug , getting [Sal]60-sarah ’s great tits thrust in [my]2813-john face from [my]2813-john seated position . ‘ How are [you]60-sarah , [Sal]60-sarah ? ’[2813-john] ‘ Amazing . ’[60-sarah] [she]60-sarah gushes , dancing off to [the kitchen]3044-the kitchen . [I]2813-john quickly conclude that [Sal]60-sarah ’s love life must be back on track . ‘ Where ’s [Patrick]374-patrick ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ask to [no one]548-no one in particular because there ’s no one standing at [[my]2813-john baby]727-my baby infested desk anymore . [Tom]84-tom is sulking across [the office]3076-the office , obviously ignoring [me]2813-john , and [Victoria]85-victoria is daydreaming , staring at [me]2813-john . ‘ Hello . ’[85-victoria] [I]2813-john wave [my]2813-john hand at [her]85-victoria . ‘ Oh , sorry ! [I]2813-john was just wondering what shade [you]2813-john would call that ’[2813-john] ‘ What ? ’[85-victoria] ‘ [Your]2813-john tan . [I]85-victoria ’d say deep bronze . ’[85-victoria] [She]85-victoria scribbles something down , and [I]2813-john know it says deep bronze . ‘ So , [babies]3632-babies now ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john take instant defence to [her]85-victoria tone . ‘ Yes . ’[2813-john] [My]2813-john short , snappy answer pulls [her]85-victoria head quickly from [her]85-victoria writing pad . The long blonde locks get flicked over [her]85-victoria shoulder and [she]85-victoria smiles . If it ’s fake , then [she]85-victoria ’s doing a great job . ‘ Congratulations , [Ava]536-ava . ’[85-victoria] ‘ Thank [you]536-ava , ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john smile , doing a terrible job . ‘ And thanks for all this . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john gesture to the balloons wafting around [my]2813-john head . ‘ Oh , that was [Tom]84-tom . ’[85-victoria] [She]85-victoria returns to [her]85-victoria computer . ‘ Thanks , [Tom]84-tom ! ’[85-victoria] [I]2813-john throw a pencil across [the office]3076-the office , catching [him]2813-john a treat on the side of [his]2813-john head . It knocks [his]2813-john glasses off kilter , and [he]2813-john gasps in shock . ‘ Sorry ! ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john press [my]2813-john lips together to supress [my]2813-john laugh . ‘ Workplace bullying ! ’[2813-john] [he]2813-john squawks , and [I]2813-john lose the battle to keep quiet . [I]2813-john start jerking in [my]2813-john chair as [Sally]60-sarah places [my]2813-john coffee in front of [me]2813-john on a frown , and then turns to see what [I]2813-john ’m laughing at . [She]60-sarah starts chuckling , too . ‘[2813-john] Where ’s [Patrick]374-patrick , [Sal]60-sarah ? ’ [I]374-patrick ask , having not gotten any answer from [Victoria]85-victoria . ‘[374-patrick] [He]374-patrick ’ll be in at noon . ’ [She]87-ruth answers . ‘[374-patrick] [He]374-patrick ’s not been around much . ’ ‘[374-patrick] No ? ’ [She]87-ruth shakes [her]87-ruth head , but says no more and returns to the pile of invoices at the filing cabinet . ‘[536-ava] [Ava]536-ava , ’ [Tom]84-tom begins , straightening out [his]84-tom fashion specs . ‘[536-ava] [You]536-ava need to call that [Ruth]87-ruth . [She]87-ruth hounded the office phone yesterday , looking for [you]536-ava . ’ [My]87-ruth laughing abates fast . [I]87-ruth ’d forgotten about [[my]87-ruth admirer]3929-my admirer . ‘[87-ruth] What did [she]87-ruth say ? ’ [I]87-ruth ask casually , riffling through [my]87-ruth bag for [my]87-ruth phone when it occurs to [me]87-ruth that [I]87-ruth ’ve still not turned it on . It ’s been off since Thursday morning when [Jesse]306-jesse impounded it . ‘[87-ruth] Not much . ’ [He]306-jesse straightens [his]306-jesse aqua tie . ‘[87-ruth] Everything ’s fine with the works . [I]2813-john kept [your]536-ava appointment with [her]87-ruth on Thursday , but [she]87-ruth was n’t impressed to see [me]2813-john . ’ [I]87-ruth shrink into [my]87-ruth chair on a wince as [my]87-ruth phone comes to life in [my]87-ruth hand and immediately starts alerting [me]87-ruth of dozens of missed calls , texts and emails . [I]87-ruth filter through , responding to [Kate]2774-kate ’s Welcome [home]2904-home ! Text , and [[my]87-ruth mum]2774-kate ’s Call [me]87-ruth when [you]3931-you ’re[87-ruth] settled text , before counting the missed calls from [Ruth]87-ruth . There are eleven , but despite the bombardment of calls from [[my]2813-john lesbian client]2061-my lesbian client , it ’s the two missed calls from [Mikael]74-mikael that start [my]2813-john heart pumping fast . [I]2813-john ca n’t avoid this any longer and for the first time , [I]2813-john sit and think hard about who could be responsible for drugging [me]2813-john and trying to run [me]2813-john off [the road]577-the road . And then there are the dead flowers . [They]2063-they were from [a woman]3150-a woman , [I]2813-john do n’t doubt it for a moment , which leads [me]2813-john to the same conclusion : [Mikael]74-mikael could n’t possibly be responsible . [He]74-mikael ’s [a businessman]2065-a businessman , and [a respected one at that]2066-a respected one at that . But what about the CCTV footage ? Maybe the incidents are n’t connected at all . [My]2813-john money is on [Coral]1009-coral , or perhaps [Sarah]60-sarah . The flowers came after [Sarah]60-sarah ’s apology , though . So did [the car]709-the car chase . Is [she]60-sarah playing games still ? [I]2813-john drop [my]2813-john phone to the desk . [My]2813-john brain aches . [I]2813-john twiddle [my]2813-john pencil , scanning [my]2813-john mind for [my]2813-john next move . It does n’t take long . [I]2813-john swipe [my]2813-john phone up and dial [Mikael]74-mikael . [I]2813-john do n’t even register it ringing before [his]74-mikael smooth , mildly accented voice comes down the line . ‘ [Ava]536-ava , how very good to hear from [you]536-ava . ’[74-mikael] ‘ [I]74-mikael ’m[74-mikael] sure . ’ [I]74-mikael reply dryly . ‘[74-mikael] Did [you]2068-you manage to sort [your]2068-you divorce out ? ’ [I]2813-john go straight for the jugular and judging by the silent span to time that follows [my]2813-john question , [I]2813-john ’ve succeeded in [my]2813-john strategy . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john did , ’ [he]74-mikael says cautiously . ‘[2813-john] Oh good . What can [I]2813-john do for [you]2068-you [Mikael]74-mikael ? ’ [I]74-mikael ’m[74-mikael] stunned by [my]2813-john own confidence . [I]2813-john could be dealing with [a lunatic]2069-a lunatic [here]2799-here , and [I]2813-john ’m talking to [him]74-mikael with absolutely no respect , as [a client]702-a client or as [a potential lunatic]3933-a potential lunatic . [He]74-mikael laughs lightly . ‘[2813-john] It ’s time [we]2071-we met , do n’t [you]2068-you think ? ’ ‘[2068-you] No , [I]2813-john do n’t . ’ [I]2068-you retort briskly . ‘[2068-you] [I]2813-john think [we]2071-we both know that [our]2071-we business relationship is over , [Mr Van Der Haus]102-mr van der haus . ’ ‘[102-mr van der haus] Why ever would that be ? ’ [His]102-mr van der haus question stops [me]2068-you in [my]2068-you tracks , but [I]2068-you soon gather [myself]2068-you . ‘[2068-you] [You]2068-you said it was very interesting that [I]2813-john ’d been seeing [Jesse]306-jesse for a month - ish . ’ [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] not shying away from this . ‘ Yes , except now [you]2068-you ’re[2813-john] married to [him]306-jesse and expecting [[his]306-jesse twins]2072-his twins . [I]2813-john ’m broken - hearted , [Ava]536-ava . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john do n’t gather [myself]2813-john so quickly this time . How the hell does [he]306-jesse know ? ‘ [Mr Van Der Haus]102-mr van der haus , ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m sure to keep [my]2813-john voice down , scanning [the office]3076-the office constantly . This is n’t the time or [the place]2776-the place , but [I]2813-john ’ve started now . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] not finishing this conversation until [I]2813-john ’ve said what needs to be said . [I]2813-john get up , beating away balloons , and pace into [the conference room]2073-the conference room , shutting the door behind [me]2813-john . ‘ Is this about [Jesse]306-jesse and [[your]2074-you wife]79-irene ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john know [I]2813-john hear a falter in [his]306-jesse breathing , and it boosts [my]2813-john confidence . ‘ Because [I]2074-you already know , so [you]2074-you ’re[2074-you] wasting [your]2074-you time . ’ ‘[2074-you] Oh , [Mr Ward]306-jesse ’s been confessing ? ’ ‘[306-jesse] [[Your]2074-you ex - wife]79-irene turned up at [[Jesse]306-jesse ’s [home]2904-home]2904-home , [Mikael]74-mikael . [I]2813-john ’m sorry for what has happened , but [I]2813-john do n’t see what this is going to achieve . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m not sorry at all , but maybe , just maybe , [I]536-ava can make [him]74-mikael see sense . [He]74-mikael laughs , and it prickles at [my]536-ava deep bronzed skin . ‘[536-ava] [Ava]536-ava , [I]2813-john could n’t care less about [[my]2813-john ex - wife]79-irene . [She]79-irene ’s a money grabbing [whore]2077-whore . [I]2813-john care only for [your]2074-you wellbeing . [Jesse Ward]306-jesse is not [the right man for [you]2074-you]2078-the right man for you . ’ [I]306-jesse flinch at [his]306-jesse harsh referral to [[his]306-jesse wife]79-irene and rest [my]306-jesse backside on the edge of the conference table . ‘[306-jesse] And [you]2074-you are ? ’ [I]2074-you stammer over the words , mentally scolding [myself]2074-you for showing any hesitance . [He]306-jesse cares for [my]2074-you wellbeing ? ‘[2074-you] Yes , [I]2813-john am . ’ [he]306-jesse says candidly . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john wo n’t entertain [other women behind [you]2074-you]2079-other women behind you back , [Ava]536-ava . ’ [I]536-ava nearly drop [my]536-ava phone . [He]306-jesse knows that , too ? ‘[536-ava] Nevertheless , ’ [I]536-ava ’m[536-ava] desperately trying to find [my]2813-john stride again . ‘ [I]536-ava think too much has happened for [us]3936-us to continue working together . ’[536-ava] ‘ Too much has happened ? ’[536-ava] [he]536-ava asks . ‘ And [you]2074-you know what [he]536-ava got up to when [he]536-ava left [you]2074-you ? ’[536-ava] ‘ Yes , ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john grate , wondering how the hell [he]536-ava knows . [I]2813-john ’ve managed to keep that issue quiet . ‘ [My]2813-john relationship with [Jesse]306-jesse has nothing to do with [you]2074-you , [Mikael]74-mikael . [I]2813-john know what [he]536-ava did . ’[2813-john] It kills [me]2813-john to say it . ‘ [I]2813-john ’ll be speaking to [Patrick]374-patrick and withdrawing from [The Life Building project]3937-the life building project . [You]2074-you ’re[2813-john] welcome to take [my]2813-john designs and have [someone else]920-someone else see the contract through . ’ [I]2813-john hang up before [he]536-ava can come back at [me]2813-john and exhale a relieved breath . [I]2813-john do n’t know why [I]2813-john feel like a weight has been lifted , [I]2813-john ’ve still got to tell [Patrick]374-patrick , and listening to [Mikael]74-mikael for the last few minutes has stirred more questions . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] not sure whether [I]2813-john would put [my]2813-john life on it , but [I]2813-john do n’t think [he]920-someone else would go to the extremes of date rape and trying to ram [me]2813-john from [the road]577-the road , not if [he]920-someone else wants to take [me]2813-john away from [Jesse]306-jesse so [I]2813-john can be with [him]920-someone else . What use am [I]2813-john dead ? [I]2813-john laugh out loud in [my]2813-john own little private moment of comprehension . [Someone]443-someone tried to kill [me]2813-john . This is insane . [My]2813-john phone dances in [my]2813-john hand and a quick glimpse at [my]2813-john screen tells [me]2813-john [my]2813-john day has only just begun . Dealing with [Ruth Quinn]87-ruth at the moment , though , does n’t seem like such a chore . ‘ Hi , [Ruth]87-ruth , ’[87-ruth] ‘ [Ava]536-ava ! ’[87-ruth] [She]87-ruth sounds surprised . ‘ [You]87-ruth never said that [you]87-ruth were going away . ’[87-ruth] ‘ Last minute , [Ruth]87-ruth . Is everything okay ? ’[87-ruth] ‘ Yes , fine , but [I]87-ruth ’ve changed [my]87-ruth mind on the cabinets for [the kitchen]3044-the kitchen . Can [we]3939-we meet to discuss ? ’[87-ruth] ‘ Of course , ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john only just supress [my]2813-john sigh . ‘ [I]2813-john ’ve got piles of paperwork to get through , so can [we]3939-we say tomorrow ? ’[2813-john] ‘ Twelve ? ’[87-ruth] [she]87-ruth counters , not demanding today which is a pleasant surprise . ‘ [I]87-ruth ’ll see [you]87-ruth then , [Ruth]87-ruth . ’[87-ruth] [I]2813-john hang up and make the best job of an unaffected face . It ’s not hard , actually . [I]2813-john ’m not at all affected by [my]2813-john last two telephone conversations . [I]2813-john feel empowered , like [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] taking charge to things rather than letting [them]2083-them take charge of [me]2813-john . [I]2813-john land at [my]2813-john desk and spend the rest of [my]2813-john Tuesday clearing the build - up of paperwork . * * * Six o’clock comes around fast , and [I]2813-john ’m the last the leave [the office]3076-the office . [Patrick]374-patrick did n’t return to work as planned , but called to assure [me]2813-john that [he]374-patrick ’d be in tomorrow . [I]2813-john ’ll talk to [him]374-patrick then , but [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] disappointed . [I]2813-john feel the compulsion to rid [myself]2813-john of this mind burden without delay . [I]2813-john get straight into [the big black Range Rover]2084-the big black range rover without a sigh , falter or complaint . ‘ Hi , [John]2813-john . ’[2813-john] ‘ [Girl]87-ruth , ’[2084-the big black range rover] [He]2084-the big black range rover pulls off into [the traffic]2085-the traffic . ‘ How was [your]2813-john day ? ’[2084-the big black range rover] ‘ Constructive . [Yours]2813-john ? ’[2084-the big black range rover] ‘ [Magnificent]188-magnificent . ’[2084-the big black range rover] [he]2084-the big black range rover rumbles . [I]2813-john get the feeling [he]2084-the big black range rover ’s being cynical . ‘ Where are [we]2086-we going ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john slouch back in [my]2813-john chair , hoping [he]2084-the big black range rover says [Lusso]95-lusso , but [I]2813-john wo n’t hold [my]2813-john breath . [Jesse]306-jesse would ’ve collected [me]2813-john [himself]306-jesse if [we]2086-we were going [home]2904-home . ‘ [The Manor]87-ruth , [girl]87-ruth . How did it go with [[your]87-ruth boss]3943-your boss ? ’[2084-the big black range rover] [He]2084-the big black range rover flicks [his]2084-the big black range rover covered eyes to [me]2813-john , a curious look flickering across [his]2084-the big black range rover face . ‘ It did n’t . [He]2084-the big black range rover was n’t in today . ’[2084-the big black range rover] ‘ That ’ll please [the crazy mother fucker]3944-the crazy mother fucker . ’[2084-the big black range rover] [He]2084-the big black range rover laughs . [I]2813-john smile [my]2813-john agreement . [I]2813-john know it will , but [I]2813-john ca n’t tell [Patrick]374-patrick if [he]374-patrick ’s not there to tell . [I]2813-john ca n’t be blamed for it , but at least [I]2813-john can say that [I]2813-john ’ve told [Mikael]74-mikael . That ’ll show [my]2813-john intention was there , and it really was . * * * [I]2813-john jump out the second [John]2813-john pulls to a stop and take the steps fast , unlocking and pushing [my]2813-john way through the doors . ‘ [He]2813-john said to wait in the bar for [him]2813-john , [girl]87-ruth . ’[2813-john] [John]2813-john calls to [my]2813-john back , but [I]2813-john pretend not to hear [him]2813-john . [I]2813-john ’m not waiting in [the bar]2773-the bar . After having [him]2813-john to [myself]2813-john for three days , [my]2813-john first day back at work has been the longest ever . [I]2813-john hot foot it past [the stairs]3122-the stairs , towards the back of [The Manor]226-the manor and through [the summer room]244-the summer room before [John]2813-john can catch [me]2813-john . The usual gatherings of [members]237-members are [here]2799-here , but [I]2813-john do n’t hang around to gage the reaction to [my]2813-john presence . [I]2813-john steam straight into [[Jesse]306-jesse ’s office]455-jesse ’s office , without knocking and without stopping to think that [I]2813-john could be barging in on a business meeting . [I]2813-john ’ve had some shocks when doing this before . And [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] shocked now . Chapter 28 ‘ [Dan]464-dan ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john say warily , staring at [[my]2813-john brothers]71-my brother back . [He]71-my brother ’s sitting opposite [Jesse]306-jesse at [his]71-my brother desk , and [he]71-my brother turns at the sound of [his]71-my brother name . ‘ What are [you]71-my brother doing here ? ’[71-my brother] The sudden astronomical consequences of [his]71-my brother visit hits [me]2813-john hard . ‘ Hey , kiddo . ’[71-my brother] [He]71-my brother stands , all smiling , and makes [his]71-my brother way over to [me]2813-john , stooping to hug [me]2813-john . ‘ Congratulations . ’[71-my brother] ‘ [I]2813-john might get to tell [someone]443-someone [myself]2813-john soon . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john grumble , landing [Jesse]306-jesse with a reproachful look over [[my]2813-john brother]71-my brother ’s shoulder . [He]71-my brother shrugs sheepishly and pouts before mouthing [I]2813-john love [you]2089-you and pulling at [his]71-my brother suit jacket , and then [his]71-my brother shirt , as if reminding [me]2813-john that [he]71-my brother dressed in what [I]2813-john asked this morning , so [I]2813-john should go easy on [him]71-my brother . ‘ So what are [you]2089-you doing here ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john repeat , cocking [my]2813-john head at [Jesse]306-jesse , but [he]71-my brother just shrugs again and remains quiet . It ’s a novelty . ‘ Making amends . ’[464-dan] [Dan]464-dan releases [me]2813-john and runs [his]464-dan hand through [his]464-dan dark mop . ‘ [I]464-dan did n’t want to go [home]2904-home without sorting this out . ’[464-dan] ‘ Oh ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john look at [Jesse]306-jesse , but damn [him]464-dan [he]464-dan just shrugs again . ‘ So [you]306-jesse ’re[390-friends] [friends]390-friends ? ’ ‘[390-friends] Something like that . Anyway , [I]2813-john need to shoot . [I]2813-john ’m meeting [Harvey]148-harvey up west . ’[464-dan] [He]464-dan turns to [Jesse]306-jesse . ‘ Thanks . ’[464-dan] ‘ No problem . ’[306-jesse] [Jesse]306-jesse nods , not bothering to be civil and stand to see [Dan]464-dan out . That and the nonchalant shrugs leaves [me]2813-john very suspicious . ‘ When are [you]2091-you heading back ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ask when [he]464-dan ’s facing [me]2813-john again . ‘ [I]464-dan ’m[464-dan] not sure . Depends on flights . [I]2813-john ’ll call [you]2091-you , okay . ’ [He]464-dan kisses [my]2092-he cheek and heads past [me]2092-he , meeting the big guy at the door . [John]2813-john shakes [his]2813-john menacing head at [me]2092-he before escorting [[my]2092-he brother]2813-john from [[Jesse]306-jesse ’s office]455-jesse ’s office . What ’s [he]2092-he doing here , anyway ? [I]2092-he point [my]2092-he suspiciousness at [Jesse]306-jesse , and [I]2092-he know [he]2092-he knows what [I]2092-he ’m[2092-he] thinking because [he]2092-he ’s refusing to meet [my]2813-john eyes . ‘ What was all that about ? ’[2092-he] ‘ What ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john walk over to the sofa and drop [my]2813-john bag down before taking the seat [[my]2813-john brother]71-my brother has just vacated . ‘ Look at [me]2813-john . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john demand . Those three words always do the trick , but not because [he]2092-he ’s obeying [me]2813-john . It ’s because [he]2092-he ’s always shocked to hear [them]2094-them . [I]2813-john do n’t care . [He]2092-he can look at [me]2813-john stunned all [he]2092-he likes . ‘ Why was [Dan]464-dan here ? ’[2092-he] [He]2092-he stands and picks [his]2092-he phone up from the desk . ‘ [He]2092-he apologised . ’[2092-he] [I]2813-john laugh in [his]2092-he face . [Dan]464-dan would never apologise , not to [Jesse]306-jesse . [I]2813-john ’ve known [him]464-dan [my]2813-john whole life , and [I]2813-john know [he]464-dan ’s far too proud to back down , especially to [a man like [Jesse]306-jesse]2095-a man like jesse . [Dan]464-dan feels inferior , as [most men]3447-most men do . Just because [he]464-dan ’s [[my]2813-john brother]306-jesse , does n’t eliminate the testosterone batting between [them]3447-most men . ‘ [I]464-dan do n’t believe [you]306-jesse . ’[464-dan] ‘ That makes [me]306-jesse sad , [baby]306-jesse . ’[306-jesse] [He]306-jesse pulls a solemn face , which raises [my]2813-john suspicions further . ‘ Now , tell [me]2813-john . What did [Patrick]374-patrick say ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john know [my]2813-john suspicious glower has just transformed into guilt , and it ’s [me]2813-john evading [his]306-jesse eyes now . ‘ [You]306-jesse ’ve not told [him]306-jesse , have [you]306-jesse ? ’[306-jesse] [he]306-jesse asks with an edge of anger in [his]306-jesse tone . ‘ [Ava]536-ava ? ’[306-jesse] ‘ [He]306-jesse was n’t in [the office]3076-the office , ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john blurt quickly . ‘ But [he]306-jesse will be tomorrow , so [I]2813-john ’ll speak to [him]306-jesse then . ‘[2813-john] Too late , [lady]2813-john . [You]2813-john ’ve had [your]2813-john chance . Again and again and again . ’ ‘[2813-john] That ’s not fair . ’ [I]2813-john argue . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john told [Mikael]74-mikael [I]2813-john wo n’t be working with [him]306-jesse anymore , so [you]2813-john ca n’t say [I]2813-john ’m not trying to resolve this . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john know immediately that [I]2813-john ’ve made a grave mistake when [his]306-jesse shoulders stiffen and [his]306-jesse greens widen . ‘ [You]2813-john did what ? ’[2813-john] ‘ [I]2813-john do n’t think [he]306-jesse drugged [me]2813-john , [Jesse]306-jesse . [He]306-jesse said [he]306-jesse wanted [me]2813-john , so why would [he]306-jesse hurt [me]2813-john ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john need to shut the hell up . Those words have just made [his]306-jesse mouth drop open . ‘ What the fucking hell are [you]2813-john doing talking to [him]306-jesse ? ’[306-jesse] [He]306-jesse rests [his]306-jesse fist on the desk , like a silver backed gorilla getting ready to charge . It makes [me]2813-john sit back in [my]2813-john chair . ‘ [He]306-jesse knows that [you]2813-john ’ve … ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john start a frantic tap on [my]2813-john front tooth with [my]2813-john nail , ‘ entertained [other women]3957-other women while [we]2099-we ’ve been together . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john hold [my]2813-john breath , knowing that [I]2813-john ’m increasing the building fury . ‘[2099-we] [We]2099-we agreed never to speak of that again . ’ [He]2101-he virtually grinds the words out , [his]2101-he jaw tense to snapping point . ‘[2099-we] It ’s hard when [people]2834-people keep reminding [me]2813-john of it . ’ [I]2099-we ’m[2099-we] leaning forward now , finding a momentary spurt of braveness . [I]2813-john will not be made to feel like a pain in the arse on this . ‘ How does [he]2101-he know ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john figure the answer out before [he]2101-he can deny even knowing it . The chewed lip and quite a few other things , mental comprehension , mainly , bring [me]2813-john to a fast conclusion . [[Mikael]74-mikael ’s ex - wife]2102-mikael ’s ex - wife . ‘ [She]2102-mikael ’s ex - wife was [one of [them]3958-them]2102-mikael ’s ex - wife , was n’t [she]2102-mikael ’s ex - wife ? ’[74-mikael] [I]2813-john ask . [His]74-mikael eyes close , and [I]2813-john stand up and lean across the desk , mirroring [his]74-mikael threatening stance . [He]74-mikael does n’t need to reply . ‘ [You]2102-mikael ’s ex - wife said months . [You]2102-mikael ’s ex - wife said [you]2102-mikael ’s ex - wife had n’t been with [her]2102-mikael ’s ex - wife for months , that [you]2102-mikael ’s ex - wife did n’t understand why [she]2102-mikael ’s ex - wife was suddenly sniffing around . [You]2102-mikael ’s ex - wife ’ve slept with [her]2102-mikael ’s ex - wife more than once , too ! ’[74-mikael] ‘ [I]74-mikael did n’t want to upset [you]2102-mikael ’s ex - wife . ’[74-mikael] [He]74-mikael ’s still hostile . It ’s a blatant defence mechanism . ‘ Tell [me]2103-i . Did [you]2102-mikael ’s ex - wife call [them]2103-i up and have [them]2103-i make a queue outside [your]2102-mikael ’s ex - wife door ? ’[2103-i] ‘ No , [they]2103-i hear that [I]2103-i ’m[2103-i] on the drink and [they]2103-i ’re like flies around shit . ’[2103-i] ‘ [I]2103-i hate [you]2102-mikael ’s ex - wife . ’[2103-i] ‘ No [you]2102-mikael ’s ex - wife do n’t . ’[2103-i] ‘ Yes , [I]2103-i do . ’[2103-i] ‘ Do n’t make [my]2103-i heart crack , [Ava]536-ava . Does it matter who it was ? ’[2103-i] ‘ No , what matters is that [you]2102-mikael ’s ex - wife lied to [me]2103-i . ’[2103-i] ‘ [I]2103-i was protecting [you]2102-mikael ’s ex - wife . ’[2103-i] ‘ And it ’s hilarious that every single time [you]2102-mikael ’s ex - wife do that , [you]2102-mikael ’s ex - wife end up hurting [me]2103-i . ’[2103-i] ‘ [I]2103-i know . ’[2103-i] ‘ So , have [you]2102-mikael ’s ex - wife learnt ? ’[2103-i] ‘ Every fucking day . ’[2104-his] [He]2104-his grabs [my]2813-john jaw aggressively , but says softly , ‘ [I]2104-his ’m[2104-his] sorry . ’ ‘[2103-i] Good . ’ [I]2103-i nod decisively in [his]2104-his hold , suddenly registering that [our]3959-we faces are now touching as [we]3959-we both lean in over [his]2104-his desk . [We]3959-we ’re[2103-i] burning each other with angry gazes , mixed with a ton of lust . ‘ How did this happen ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ask the question out loud when [I]2813-john was only intending on thinking it . ‘ Because , [[my]2813-john beautiful girl]2813-john , [we]3959-we ’re[2813-john] meant to be stuck together . Constant contact . Kiss [me]2813-john . ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’ve accepted that [you]306-jesse ’re an arsehole , so there ’s no need to try and get [me]2813-john submitting to [your]306-jesse touch now . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john will , though . ‘ [I]2813-john missed [you]306-jesse , [baby]306-jesse . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john climb up onto [his]2813-john desk and inch [my]2813-john way closer on [my]2813-john knees until [I]2813-john ’m wrapped around [him]2813-john and [my]2813-john lips are all over [his]2813-john . Stupidly , [I]2813-john ’ve missed [him]2813-john , too . One working day after Paradise and [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] feeling hard done by — short changed . [I]2813-john ’ve been suffering [Jesse]306-jesse withdrawal and now [I]2813-john ’ve finally gotten [my]2813-john next hit . ‘ [I]2813-john wish [you]2813-john were pure and untouched . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john mumble , trailing [my]2813-john lips over every inch of [his]306-jesse face . Of everything , this [I]2813-john wish the most — that [no one]548-no one came before [me]2813-john , or even during [me]2813-john . [I]2813-john ’ve forgiven [him]306-jesse , [I]2813-john truly have , but [I]2813-john ’m struggling to forget . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john am . ’ [He]306-jesse sits down in [his]306-jesse leather chair and jostles with [me]2813-john until [I]2813-john give in and let [him]306-jesse sit [me]2813-john on [his]306-jesse lap . ‘[2813-john] The most important part of [me]2813-john is untouched . ’ [He]306-jesse takes [my]2813-john hand and twirls [my]2813-john rings for a few thoughtful moments before flattening [my]2813-john palm and placing it on [his]306-jesse chest . ‘[2813-john] Or it was until [you]2107-you stepped into [[my]2813-john office]678-my office . Now it ’s being stamped all over and is exploding with pure love for [you]2107-you . ’ [I]2813-john smile . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john like feeling it beating . ’ [I]2813-john move in , opening [his]306-jesse jacket up and lowering [my]2813-john ear to [his]306-jesse shirt . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john like hearing it , too . ’ It ’s one of the most comforting things in [the world]2908-the world . [His]306-jesse arms wrap around [me]2813-john and pull [me]2813-john in closer . ‘[2813-john] How was [your]2107-you day ? ’ ‘[2813-john] Crap . [I]2813-john want [Paradise]41-paradise . ’ [He]306-jesse laughs and kisses the top of [my]2813-john head . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m in Paradise whenever [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] with [you]2107-you . [I]2813-john do n’t need [a villa]2109-a villa . ’ ‘[2813-john] [You]2107-you were more relaxed in Paradise . ’ [I]2813-john say it how it is . [I]2813-john know being back in [London]3-london will slowly draw [my]2813-john neurotic control freak back to the surface . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m relaxed now . ’[2813-john] ‘ Yes , that is because [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] sitting on [your]2107-you lap , coated in [you]2107-you . ’ [I]2813-john reply sardonically , earning [myself]2813-john a little dig in the hollow space above [my]2813-john hips . [I]2813-john laugh and turn [myself]2813-john around on [his]2813-john lap so [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] facing [his]2813-john desk . ‘ How was [your]2107-you day ? ’[2813-john] [His]2813-john hands slide around onto [my]2813-john tummy and [his]2813-john chin rests on [my]2813-john shoulder , getting a mouthful of [my]2813-john hair . [He]2813-john splutters and sweeps it away . ‘ Long . How are [my]2813-john peanuts ? ’[2813-john] ‘ Fine , ’[2813-john] [His]2813-john notepad catches [my]2813-john eye . ‘ Why is [[my]2813-john brother]2813-john ’s name written down there ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john reach forward to pull it closer , but too slowly because it ’s soon whipped from under [my]2813-john nose and shoved in the top drawer of [[Jesse]306-jesse ’s desk]2110-jesse ’s desk . [I]2813-john pull [my]2813-john hand back on a shocked jump at [his]2813-john fast movement . ‘ [Daniel Joseph O’Shea]464-dan ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john frown to [myself]2813-john , thinking [I]2813-john definitely saw numbers on that paper , and it was n’t a telephone number . ‘ Why have [you]464-dan got [Dan]464-dan ’s bank account number written down ? ’[2813-john] ‘ [I]2813-john have n’t . ’[2813-john] [he]2813-john quickly dismisses [my]2813-john question , and [he]2813-john ’s tense . Damn [him]2813-john , [he]2813-john has n’t learnt at all . [I]2813-john remove [myself]2813-john from [his]2813-john lap and place [myself]2813-john to the side of [him]2813-john , punishing [him]2813-john with a stare equal to [his]2813-john do n’t push it glare . ‘ [I]306-jesse ’m[306-jesse] giving [you]2111-you three seconds , [Ward]306-jesse . ’ [His]2813-john lips press into a straight , aggravated line . ‘[306-jesse] The countdown is [mine]306-jesse . ’ [he]2813-john claims , childishly . ‘[306-jesse] Three , ’ [I]2813-john even hold three fingers up , in the most provoking fashion possible . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] just as bad as [he]2813-john is . ‘ Two , ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john lose a finger , but [I]2813-john do n’t get to one or zero because [I]2813-john have an obvious moment of lucidity . ‘ [You]2111-you ’re[2813-john] giving [him]2813-john money ! ’ ‘[2813-john] No . ’ [He]2813-john shakes [his]2813-john head in the most unpersuasive way possible , shifting [his]2813-john feet in [his]2813-john seated position . [He]2813-john ’s becoming as bad at lying as [I]2813-john am . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] so glad . ‘ [You]2111-you ’re[1781-a shit liar] [a shit liar]1781-a shit liar , too , [Ward]306-jesse . ’ [I]536-ava swivel on [my]536-ava heels and make a run for it , mainly to catch [[my]536-ava brother]71-my brother before [he]2813-john leaves , but also to escape [Jesse]306-jesse before [he]2813-john catches [me]536-ava . ‘[536-ava] [Ava]536-ava ! ’ [I]536-ava take no notice of the threatening shout of [my]536-ava name , as per usual , and break into a full on run when [I]536-ava reach [the summer room]244-the summer room . [I]536-ava know [he]2813-john ’s in pursuit , and not just because of [his]2813-john thundering footsteps , echoing behind [me]536-ava . [I]536-ava pass [the kitchens]3963-the kitchens , [the bar and restaurant]3964-the bar and restaurant and skid on [my]536-ava heels when [I]536-ava find [Dan]464-dan standing by the huge round table in [the entrance hall]425-the entrance hall . [He]2813-john ’s not doing anything or talking to [anyone]2929-anyone . [John]2813-john is [here]2813-john , too , and [I]536-ava know why that is . It ’s the same reason why [John]2813-john accompanied [me]536-ava everywhere in the early days . [I]536-ava watch in apprehension as [Dan]464-dan looks around and [John]2813-john tries to usher [him]2813-john on , but [he]2813-john ’s not shifting , not even for [the big guy]438-the big guy . [Jesse]306-jesse ’s chest hits [my]536-ava back , and [I]536-ava ’m[536-ava] picked up and turned in [his]2113-his arms . [He]2113-his ’s not happy . ‘ For fuck sake , [woman]536-ava ! [You]536-ava ’ll give the babies brain damage ! No running ! ’[2113-his] If [I]2813-john was n’t so concerned by [[my]2813-john brother]71-my brother ’s location and behaviour , [I]2813-john would laugh at [the crazy idiot]2115-the crazy idiot holding [me]2813-john firmly in [his]2115-the crazy idiot arms . ‘ Get a grip ! ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john wriggle free and swing around , finding [Dan]464-dan watching [us]2116-us . [His]464-dan brow is completely furrowed , and [John]2813-john looks on edge . [Dan]464-dan takes a leisurely gaze around [the entrance hall]425-the entrance hall again , then [his]464-dan inquisitive eyes land on [Jesse]306-jesse . ‘ If this is [a hotel]710-a hotel , then where ’s [the reception area]3970-the reception area ? ’[464-dan] ‘ What ? ’[306-jesse] [Jesse]306-jesse ’s tone is impatient , almost defensive , and [I]2813-john wish it was n’t . It ’s a dead giveaway and [I]2813-john ’m praying for [him]306-jesse to think up something quickly . ‘[2813-john] Where do [[your]2118-your guests]490-your guests pick up the keys to [[their]490-your guests room]2120-their room ? And what about [local attractions]2121-local attractions ? Is n’t it common to have one of those stands with a shit load of leaflets in , telling [people where to visit]2122-people where to visit ? ’ [He]464-dan looks up at [John]2813-john . ‘[2122-people where to visit] And why the need to have a gorilla escorting [me]2813-john everywhere ? ’ [I]2122-people where to visit cringe , [Jesse]306-jesse tenses and [John]2813-john growls . [[My]2122-people where to visit brother]71-my brother is a bit quicker on the uptake than [me]2122-people where to visit . [I]2122-people where to visit did n’t consider any of those points , except [John]2813-john . [I]2122-people where to visit ’m[2122-people where to visit] wracking [my]2813-john blank mind for something , anything , but it just is n’t happening . [I]2813-john , or [we]2123-we , have been caught completely off guard . And then [I]2813-john hear a voice and it ’s the only voice in [the world]2908-the world that [I]2813-john would wish not to hear right now . [Kate]2774-kate . [I]2813-john visibly sag on the spot , and [I]2813-john feel [Jesse]306-jesse ’s hand on the small of [my]2813-john back . Why is n’t [he]306-jesse saying anything ? [I]2813-john watch and listen in horror as [Kate]2774-kate and [Sam]2844-sam dance down [the stairs]3122-the stairs , giggling , feeling each other up and generally looking all sexed up . This is a disaster . [I]2813-john ca n’t help elbowing [Jesse]306-jesse in the ribs , a silent demand to say something . Oh God , please say something ! [Kate]2774-kate and [Sam]2844-sam are completely oblivious to the silent peanut gallery awaiting [them]2126-they at the bottom of [the stairs]3122-the stairs , as [they]2126-they fondle and pet each other , saying inappropriate things , of which one sentence definitely included the word dildo . [I]2813-john ’m in hell , and [no one]548-no one has even said anything , except [[my]2813-john delinquent best friend]1262-my delinquent best friend and [her]2774-kate cheeky chap of [a boyfriend]1019-a boyfriend , not that [they]2126-they are aware … yet . [I]2813-john expect all of that will change soon , though , and it does n’t look likely to be [Jesse]306-jesse who ’ll speak . [He]306-jesse ’s silent behind [me]2813-john , probably just as torn as [me]2813-john . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] stuck in limbo . It ’s the closest [I]2813-john ’ve come to watching [a train]2127-a train crash , all very slowly . [Dan]464-dan and [The Manor]226-the manor ; [Dan]464-dan and [Kate]2774-kate ; [Dan]464-dan and [Sam]2844-sam ; [Dan]464-dan and [Jesse]306-jesse . The shit is going to hit [the fan]2129-the fan in a big way . ‘ Oh ! ’[2774-kate] [Kate]2774-kate ’s delighted shriek echoes around [the entrance hall]425-the entrance hall , followed by [Sam]2844-sam ’s sexed up growl . Then [they]2131-they land at the bottom of [the stairs]3122-the stairs in a messy bundle of entwined arms and frantic lips , eating each other alive . [They]2131-they should have stayed in [the suite]245-the suite because [they]2131-they are nowhere near done . ‘ [Sam]2844-sam ! ’[2131-they] [She]2774-kate laughs and falls back over [his]2844-sam arm , catching [my]2813-john eye , [her]2774-kate happy face beaming further , until [she]2774-kate clocks [[my]2813-john brother]71-my brother . [She]2774-kate ’s not laughing now . In fact , [she]2774-kate looks close to seizure . [She]2774-kate scrambles up and slaps a disgruntled [Sam]2844-sam away before smoothing down [her]2774-kate wild red hair and pulling at [her]2774-kate dishevelled clothes . But [she]2774-kate does n’t say anything and neither does [Sam]2844-sam as [he]2844-sam looks to and fro between [the quiet observers]2135-the quiet observers . [Dan]464-dan breaks the screaming silence . ‘ Hotel ? ’[464-dan] [He]464-dan ’s drilling holes into [Kate]2774-kate and [Sam]2844-sam at regular intervals , back and forth , before turning [his]464-dan questioning eyes to [Jesse]306-jesse . ‘ Do [you]306-jesse often let [[your]306-jesse friends]3975-your friends carry on like this in [[your]306-jesse establishment]3976-your establishment ? ’[464-dan] ‘ [Dan]464-dan , ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john step forward , but [I]2813-john do n’t get very far . [Jesse]306-jesse places [himself]306-jesse in front of [me]2813-john . ‘ [I]306-jesse think [you]306-jesse should come back to [[my]306-jesse office]678-my office , [Dan]464-dan . ’[306-jesse] [Jesse]306-jesse ’s voice is intimidating , as is [his]306-jesse body language . ‘ No , thanks . ’[464-dan] [Dan]464-dan almost laughs , keeping [his]464-dan eyes on [Kate]2774-kate . [I]2813-john ’ve never seen [her]2774-kate looking so uncomfortable , and [Sam]2844-sam must [me]2813-john wondering what ’s going on . ‘ [You]2137-you ’re[2844-sam] whoring it up at [a brothel]2136-a brothel ? ’ ‘[2844-sam] What the fuck ? ’ [Sam]2844-sam shouts , ‘[2844-sam] Who the fuck do [you]2137-you think [you]2137-you ’re talking to ? ’[2844-sam] [Sam]2844-sam ’s moving forward , but [Kate]2774-kate catches [his]2844-sam arm , pulling [him]2844-sam back ‘ This is [no brothel]2136-a brothel , and [I]2774-kate am [no whore]3978-no whore . ’[2774-kate] [Her]2774-kate voice is shaky and unsure as [she]2774-kate holds on to [Sam]2844-sam . [I]2813-john want to jump to [her]2774-kate defence , but no words are forming and [Jesse]306-jesse saves [me]2813-john the trouble , anyway . [He]306-jesse approaches [Dan]464-dan , wraps [his]306-jesse palm around the nape of [[my]2813-john brothers]2088-my brothers neck and leans in , whispering something in [his]306-jesse ear . It ’s the most threatening act possible , and [I]2813-john do n’t even want to consider what [he]306-jesse has said , especially when [Dan]464-dan shows [his]464-dan willingness to follow [Jesse]306-jesse ’s lead , with no further persuasion . [I]2813-john go to follow , too , [I]2813-john want to hear this , but [I]2813-john ’m halted , as [I]306-jesse secretly knew [I]306-jesse would be . ‘[306-jesse] Wait for [me]2813-john in [the bar]2773-the bar , [baby]306-jesse . ’ [He]464-dan tries to turn [me]306-jesse , but [I]306-jesse ’m[306-jesse] feeling a little defiant . [I]2813-john ’m not sure that [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] happy with [Jesse]306-jesse taking [Dan]464-dan to [[his]464-dan office]2910-his office alone . ‘ [I]2813-john ’d like to come . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john have no faith in [my]2813-john feigned confidence . [I]2813-john know that look . [He]464-dan may have called [me]2813-john baby to soften the demand , but [I]2813-john ’m not fooled . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] not going in [that office]2910-his office . No , [I]2813-john ’m on [my]2813-john way to [the bar]2773-the bar , and [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] not walking . [I]2813-john ’m placed on [my]2813-john stool , [Mario]53-mario is summoned and [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] hit with the do n’t push it look . ‘ [You]53-mario ’ll stay put . ’[464-dan] [He]464-dan kisses [my]2813-john cheek , like it will appease [me]2813-john . It wo n’t . [My]2813-john eyes are throwing daggers right at [his]464-dan back as [he]464-dan stalks out of [the bar]2773-the bar in long , even strides . ‘ Ah ! ’[53-mario] [Mario]53-mario ’s happy sing draws [my]2813-john attention away from [[my]2813-john husband]420-my husband ’s disappearing back . ‘ Look at [you]53-mario , all … how [you]53-mario say ? Like a flower . Blooming ! ’[464-dan] [He]464-dan clucks [my]2813-john cheek across [the bar]2773-the bar and passes [me]2813-john a bottle of water . ‘ No more [Mario]53-mario ’s Most Marvellous for [you]53-mario ! ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john grunt but smile , taking a long swig of the icy water , leaving [Mario]53-mario to go and tend to [other members]2144-other members . [Sam]2844-sam wanders in , looking all chirpy and with [his]464-dan dimple in its usual spot . [I]2813-john ’m confused . ‘[189-mama] Hey , [Mama]189-mama ! ’ [He]464-dan has a cheeky rub of [my]189-mama stomach . ‘[189-mama] How are [you]189-mama feeling ? ’ ‘[189-mama] Fine … ’ The word trails from [my]2774-kate mouth slowly . ‘[2774-kate] Where ’s [Kate]2774-kate ? ’ ‘[2145-ladies] [Ladies]2145-ladies , ’ [he]464-dan replies quickly , waving [Mario]53-mario for a beer . [I]2774-kate look past [him]464-dan , wondering if [I]2774-kate should go and see [her]2774-kate . ‘[2774-kate] Is [she]2774-kate okay ? ’ ‘[2774-kate] Yeah , [she]2774-kate ’s fine . ’ [He]464-dan does n’t look at [me]2774-kate , but [I]2774-kate have a feeling [he]464-dan knows there ’s a face full of confusion focused on [him]464-dan . [He]464-dan looks out the corner of [his]464-dan eye to [me]2774-kate , and then sits on a sigh . ‘[2774-kate] [I]2813-john know [you]2145-ladies all think it , but [I]2813-john ’m not stupid . ’[2813-john] [My]2813-john back straightens . ‘ [I]2813-john do n’t think [you]2145-ladies ’re[2813-john] stupid . ’ [I]2813-john defend [myself]2813-john . [He]464-dan ’s a little oblivious , maybe , but not stupid . [He]464-dan smiles . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’ve worked out [Kate]2774-kate and [Dan]464-dan . [I]2813-john worked that out the very first time [I]2813-john met [Kate]2774-kate , and [his]464-dan name was only mentioned then . [I]2813-john know why [she]2774-kate called it off with [me]2813-john , and [I]2813-john know that something went down at [your]2145-ladies wedding . ’ [I]2813-john know [I]2813-john look as guilty as sin , and [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] wondering if [Kate]2774-kate is aware of this . ‘ Why have [you]2145-ladies kept quiet ? ’[2813-john] ‘ [I]464-dan do n’t know . ’[464-dan] [He]464-dan tips [his]464-dan bottle to [his]464-dan lips , clearly pondering that , too . [I]2813-john know why , but should [I]2813-john put it out there ? ‘ [She]2774-kate ’s [a great girl]2774-kate . ’[464-dan] [he]464-dan shrugs . [I]2813-john nod thoughtfully , smiling on the inside . [I]2813-john could happily bang [their]2146-their heads together . [I]2813-john could also cry for [Sam]2844-sam . Something tells [me]2813-john [he]464-dan ’s never shared [his]464-dan orphan history with [many women]1004-many women , if any , but [Kate]2774-kate knows and whilst [they]1004-many women both act so casual and carefree , [I]2813-john know there are a whole lot of feelings here that [neither one of [them]1004-many women]2148-neither one of them seem to be admitting to , or doing anything about . ‘ [I]2813-john think [I]2813-john ’ll go and find [Kate]2774-kate . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john stand and give [Sam]2844-sam a shoulder rub — a silent gesture of understanding , to which [he]464-dan responds with a cheeky grin , leaning down and whispering some mushy rubbish to [my]2813-john navel . Leaving a love sick [Sam]2844-sam at [the bar]2773-the bar , [I]2813-john go and find [[my]2813-john dumb arse friend in [the toilets]442-the toilets]2150-my dumb arse friend in the toilets . There are [two other people who [I]2813-john feel the need to burst in on]2152-two other people who i feel the need to burst in on , but [I]2813-john plump for [Kate]2774-kate . [Neither of [my]2813-john potential endpoints]2153-neither of my potential endpoints will have [people waiting with open arms]2154-people waiting with open arms , but [I]2813-john ’m trusting [Jesse]306-jesse to deal with this . [I]2813-john ca n’t even begin to imagine what ’s being said in [[his]306-jesse office]2910-his office . [I]2813-john just hope that whatever happens , [Dan]464-dan does n’t go squealing to [[my]2813-john parents]2767-my parents , and [I]2813-john have every faith [[my]2813-john husband]420-my husband will stop that from happening . [I]2813-john push the door open and find [Kate]2774-kate braced over the sink , [her]2774-kate red hair completely concealing [her]2774-kate face as [she]2774-kate looks into the bowl . ‘[2813-john] Hey , ’ [I]2813-john tread carefully , not wanting [her]2774-kate to go on the defensive . [She]2774-kate pulls [her]2774-kate head up with some effort and shows [me]2813-john glass blue eyes full of despair . ‘[2813-john] Do [you]2155-you think [I]2813-john ’m [a whore]3983-a whore ? ’[2155-you] ‘ No ! ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m shocked that [she]2156-she would even ask . A little reckless perhaps , but never [a whore]3983-a whore . [I]2813-john ’ve labelled [all of the women here]3984-all of the women here exactly that , and in truth , [Kate]2774-kate has been venturing into the same exploits as all of [them]3984-all of the women here , so how is [she]2156-she different ? [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] awash with remorse for having these thoughts . [She]2156-she ’s different because [she]2156-she ’s [[my]2813-john friend]3160-my friend and [I]2813-john know [her]2156-she . [She]2156-she ’s only doing this for [Sam]2844-sam , or [she]2156-she thinks [she]2156-she needs to do it for [Sam]2844-sam . [I]2813-john ’m very suddenly seeing [the ladies of [The Manor]226-the manor]3985-the ladies of the manor in a different light . [I]2813-john know for sure that [many of [them]473-these women]473-these women are only here for one purpose and that purpose is [a tall , lean God who is no longer available]3988-a tall , lean god who is no longer available . [He]3988-a tall , lean god who is no longer available has [a wife]2785-a wife and now [twins]3535-twins on the way which has both shocked [these women]473-these women and pissed [them]473-these women off . [Memberships]190-memberships are being cancelled to prove it , as well as some of the relentless ones taking things further . Like drugging [me]2813-john , or trying to run [me]2813-john off [the road]577-the road , or sending [me]2813-john a threatening note . Suddenly , it becomes a very frightening thought that [any one of [these women]473-these women]3992-any one of these women could be behind this . Has [Jesse]306-jesse got an inkling ? ‘[2813-john] What the hell have [I]2813-john got [myself]2813-john into , [Ava]536-ava ? ’ [Kate]2774-kate ’s question snaps [me]536-ava from [my]536-ava disturbing thoughts . ‘[536-ava] Love ? ’ [I]536-ava blurt before [I]536-ava can think of whether or not it ’s a good thing to say . [Her]2158-she wide blues tells [me]536-ava it ’s not . ‘[536-ava] [You]536-ava ’re going to deny it again , are’t [you]536-ava ? ’[536-ava] ‘ No , ’[2158-she] [she]2158-she whispers . ‘ [I]2158-she think [we]2159-we ’re[2158-she] past all that bullshit . ’ ‘[2159-we] [We]2159-we ’re past it ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john laugh . ‘ [Kate]2774-kate , [we]2159-we were past it weeks ago . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m completely exasperated , but so relieved . [[My]2160-i blind friend]3993-my blind friend has finally seen the light , or admitted that [she]3993-my blind friend seen it long ago — whichever . [I]2160-i do n’t honestly care . ‘[2160-i] [He]2160-i ’s at [the bar]2773-the bar , and [he]2160-i … ’ [I]2160-i pause , quickly reining in what [I]2160-i was about to say . [I]2160-i ’m[2160-i] not forewarning [her]2158-she that [Sam]2844-sam knows about [Dan]464-dan . That ’s for [them]2162-them to sort out . ‘ [He]2160-i ’s what ? ’[2158-she] [She]2158-she looks all panicky which just reaffirms [my]2813-john decision to hold back . [She]2158-she ’ll do a bunk , [I]2813-john know [she]2158-she will . [She]2158-she ’ll assume the worst and flee , not giving [Sam]2844-sam the opportunity to express [his]2844-sam thoughts . ‘ [He]2844-sam ’s waiting for [you]3994-you . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john finish . [Her]2158-she whole body relaxes and an air of contentment seems to form a haze around [her]2158-she . ‘ So [I]2158-she should go ? ’[2158-she] [she]2158-she asks , looking for reassurance . It ’s rare to see [her]2158-she doubt [herself]2158-she or ask for encouragement or guidance . ‘ [You]3994-you should go . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john confirm on a grin . ‘ [You]3994-you have to take a chance , [Kate]2774-kate . [I]2813-john think [you]3994-you ’ll be surprised where [Sam]2844-sam leads [you]3994-you . ’[2813-john] ‘ Do [you]3994-you ? ’[2813-john] ‘ [I]2813-john really do , ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john smile and take [[my]2813-john unsure friend]2163-my unsure friend in [my]2813-john arms and squeeze all of the uncertainties out of [her]2158-she . ‘ Please go and talk to [him]2163-my unsure friend . And let [him]2163-my unsure friend talk , too . ’[2813-john] ‘ Okay , ’[2158-she] [she]2158-she agrees . ‘ [I]2158-she will , ’[2158-she] [She]2158-she pushes [me]2813-john off [her]2158-she , pulling a disgusted face . ‘ Quit with the slushy shit . ’[2158-she] ‘ Of course , it ’s all [me]2813-john . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john turn to the mirror , along with [Kate]2774-kate , and [we]2164-we both start rubbing under [our]2164-we eyes . ‘ What do [you]2774-kate think [Jesse]306-jesse is saying to [Dan]464-dan ? ’[2774-kate] [Kate]2774-kate question reminds [me]2813-john quickly that [they]2165-they ’re alone . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john do n’t know . ’ [I]2813-john say on a frown , but [I]2813-john suspect [I]2813-john do . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m going to find out . [You]2774-kate good ? ’[2813-john] ‘ [Fan - fucking - tastic]191-fan - fucking - tastic . ’[2158-she] [She]2158-she drops a quick peck on [my]2813-john cheek and leads the way from [the ladies]451-the ladies , [her]2158-she going right towards [the bar]2773-the bar , [me]2813-john heading left towards [[Jesse]306-jesse ’s office]455-jesse ’s office . [I]2813-john burst in , [my]2813-john eyes almost closed , like [I]2813-john ’m protecting [them]451-the ladies from the certainty of seeing [[my]2813-john brother]71-my brother held against the wall by [his]306-jesse throat . [He]306-jesse ’s not , though . [They]451-the ladies ’re[2813-john] in the same seated positions as the last time [I]2813-john walked in on [them]451-the ladies — [Jesse]306-jesse in [his]306-jesse chair , relaxed , and [Dan]464-dan with [his]306-jesse back to [me]2813-john . ‘ Why are [you]3996-you taking money from [Jesse]306-jesse ? ’[306-jesse] [I]2813-john ask assertively in an attempt to make [both of [them]451-the ladies]2169-both of them see that [I]2813-john mean business . [I]2813-john definitely do n’t mistake the rise and tense of [Dan]464-dan ’s shoulders . [He]464-dan might have rumbled [Jesse]306-jesse ’s establishment , but [I]2813-john ’ve rumbled this little agreement , although [I]2813-john do n’t know what the agreement is or even if [I]2813-john want to know . But that does n’t stop [me]2813-john from pressing on . ‘ Are [you]306-jesse going to answer [me]464-dan ? ’[464-dan] [Dan]464-dan does n’t , but [Jesse]306-jesse does . ‘ [Ava]536-ava , [I]306-jesse told [you]536-ava to stay put . ’[306-jesse] ‘ [I]464-dan ’m[464-dan] not talking to [you]306-jesse . ’ [I]2813-john counter fearlessly , spiking an incredible scoff of disbelieve . ‘[2813-john] Well , [I]2813-john ’m talking to [you]306-jesse . ’[464-dan] [he]464-dan counters . ‘ Shut up . ’[464-dan] [I]2813-john approach the desk and poke [Dan]464-dan in the back . ‘ [You]306-jesse ’re[464-dan] keeping quiet . Have [you]306-jesse nothing to say ? ’ ‘[306-jesse] See what [I]2813-john have to deal with ? ’ [Jesse]306-jesse ’s palms face the heavens in hopelessness . ‘[2813-john] Fucking pain in the arse . ’ [I]2813-john flip [Jesse]306-jesse a scowl and smack [[my]2813-john brother]71-my brother on the shoulder . ‘[2813-john] Speak . What ’s going on ? ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m broke . ’[464-dan] [Dan]464-dan says quietly . ‘ [Jesse]306-jesse ’s agreed to help [me]464-dan out . ’[464-dan] ‘ [You]306-jesse asked ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john blurt in disbelief . That ’s brash , given the history of [[my]2813-john husband]420-my husband and [brother]71-my brother ’s relationship . ‘ No , [he]71-my brother offered , and there were no strings attached … until ten minutes ago . ’[464-dan] ‘ [You]71-my brother ’re[71-my brother] bribing [[my]2813-john brother]71-my brother ? ’ [I]71-my brother swing [my]71-my brother gaze to [Jesse]306-jesse , whose hands are now forming a thoughtful steeple in front of [his]71-my brother mouth . ‘[71-my brother] [You]71-my brother ’ve paid [him]71-my brother to keep quiet ? ’ ‘[71-my brother] No , [I]2813-john ’ve lent [him]71-my brother some money and added a little clause to the contract at a later date . ’ [I]71-my brother ’m[71-my brother] appalled , but stupidly relieved . [Jesse]306-jesse said [[my]2813-john parents]2767-my parents would never know , and [he]71-my brother ’s ensuring that [he]71-my brother keeps [his]71-my brother promise . ‘ What about [the surf school]2978-the surf school ? And why have n’t [you]3998-you asked [mum]246-mum and [dad]264-matt ? [They]2767-my parents would ’ve lent [you]3998-you some money . ’[306-jesse] ‘ [We]2767-my parents ’re[536-ava] not talking a few quid , [Ava]536-ava . [I]2813-john ’m up to [my]2813-john eyeballs . [I]2813-john ’ve got [myself]2813-john a massive loan to fund [my]2813-john share of the business and [[my]2813-john partner]420-my husband did [a runner with it]4002-a runner with it . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] fucked . ’ [I]2813-john crumble . ‘[2813-john] Why did n’t [you]2173-you say anything ? ’ ‘[2813-john] Why do [you]2173-you think ? ’ [He]536-ava looks truly humiliated . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john was turned over , [Ava]536-ava . [I]2813-john have nothing left . ’ [My]2813-john sorry eyes fall back on [Jesse]306-jesse , who ’s remaining extremely quiet , but studying [me]2813-john closely . ‘[2813-john] How much ? ’ [I]2813-john ask . [My]2813-john question makes [[my]2813-john husband]420-my husband look all uncomfortable , and [Dan]464-dan is shifting in [his]464-dan chair next to [me]2813-john , which can only mean one thing . [I]2813-john know [we]2174-a couple of grand here ’re[2813-john] not talking about [a couple of grand here]2174-a couple of grand here . ‘ Five thousand ? Ten thousand ? Tell [me]2174-a couple of grand here . ’[2174-a couple of grand here] ‘ Just a few . ’[464-dan] [Dan]464-dan interjects before [Jesse]306-jesse can tell [me]2813-john [himself]464-dan . [I]2813-john do n’t believe [him]464-dan for a moment . ‘ [Jesse]306-jesse ? ’[464-dan] [I]2813-john push , holding [him]464-dan in place with a determined glare . [I]2813-john need to know how much trouble [[my]2813-john brother]464-dan ’s in . [His]464-dan eyes break from [mine]2813-john for a few moments and aim for [Dan]464-dan before [he]464-dan takes a deep breath and starts rubbing [his]464-dan temples . ‘ [I]464-dan ’m[464-dan] sorry , [Dan]464-dan . [I]2813-john ’m not lying to [her]306-jesse . Two hundred , [baby]306-jesse . ’[464-dan] [he]464-dan says on a long exhale , continuing with the tension easing . [I]2813-john might need some temple rubs [myself]2813-john . [I]2813-john ’m hoping by two hundred , [he]464-dan means pounds , but [I]2813-john know [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] hoping in vain . [I]2813-john stagger back a little in shock and [Jesse]306-jesse is out of [his]306-jesse chair in the blink of an eye . [He]306-jesse looks mad . ‘ Damn it , [Ava]536-ava . ’[306-jesse] [He]306-jesse holds [me]2813-john in place by [my]2813-john shoulders . ‘ Are [you]536-ava okay ? Are [you]536-ava dizzy ? Do [you]536-ava want to sit down ? ’[306-jesse] ‘ Two hundred thousand ! ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john yell . ‘ What sort of bank lends two hundred thousand ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john shrug a faffing [Jesse]306-jesse away as [my]2813-john shock allows for the information to sink in , turning [my]2813-john disbelief into anger . ‘ [I]306-jesse ’m[306-jesse] fine ! ’ ‘[536-ava] Do n’t push [me]2813-john away , [Ava]536-ava ! ’ [he]306-jesse yells back at [me]536-ava , taking [my]536-ava elbow and leading [me]536-ava around [his]306-jesse desk . [I]536-ava ’m[536-ava] pushed gently onto [his]306-jesse massive office chair . ‘ Do n’t be getting [your]536-ava knickers in a twist , [lady]536-ava . ’[536-ava] It ’s not healthy . ’ ‘[536-ava] [My]2813-john blood pressure is fine ! ’ [I]536-ava snap petulantly , but [I]536-ava suspect it ’s probably just gone through the roof . ‘[536-ava] Two hundred thousand ? No bank in [their]2175-they right mind would lend that sort of money for [a surf school]2176-a surf school ! ’ [Australian banks]4004-australian banks must work the same as [British banks]4004-australian banks . [They]2175-they would laugh in [anyone]2929-anyone ’s face if [they]2175-they rocked up with a request on that scale . How much can a few surf boards cost ? ‘[536-ava] No , [you]536-ava ’re right . ’[464-dan] [Dan]464-dan ’s shrinking further into [his]464-dan chair , making [himself]464-dan smaller and smaller . It ’s an indication of how [he]464-dan feels — small and stupid . ‘ [A loan shark]4006-a loan shark would , though . ’[464-dan] ‘ Oh God ! ’[2813-john] [My]2813-john hands fall into [my]2813-john palms . [I]2813-john know how [they]2175-they work , not that [I]2813-john ’ve had the pleasure [myself]2813-john . ‘ What were [you]536-ava thinking ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john can feel [Jesse]306-jesse ’s palm rubbing soothing circles into [my]2813-john back , but it does n’t soothe [me]2813-john at all . ‘ [I]306-jesse was n’t thinking , [Ava]536-ava . ’[306-jesse] [he]306-jesse sighs . [I]2813-john uncover [my]2813-john face , just so [Dan]464-dan can see the disappointment on it . [I]2813-john thought [he]306-jesse was smart . ‘ Is that the only reason [you]2177-you came [home]2904-home ? ’[2813-john] ‘ [They]4008-they ’re[306-jesse] looking for [me]2813-john . ’ [Dan]464-dan ’s defeated face yanks at [my]2177-you heart strings . ‘[2177-you] [You]2177-you do n’t get away with non - payment with these types . ’ ‘[2177-you] [You]2177-you said [you]2177-you were doing well , ’ [I]2177-you remind [him]306-jesse , but [I]2177-you get no explanation , just a shrug . ‘[2177-you] Just stay here . ’ [I]2177-you sit forward in [my]2177-you chair . ‘[2177-you] Do n’t go back . ’ [I]536-ava hear [Jesse]306-jesse ’s quiet laugh and see [Dan]464-dan ’s soft smile . Both reactions to [my]536-ava remedy are not being taken seriously . [They]2178-both men are also a clue that [both men]2178-both men find [my]536-ava naivety endearing . [I]536-ava do n’t see a problem , though . [Australia]4-australia is on [the other side of [the planet]2951-the planet]4009-the other side of the planet . ‘[536-ava] [Ava]536-ava , ’ [Dan]464-dan sits forward , too . ‘[536-ava] If [I]2813-john do n’t go back , then [they]2178-both men will come here . [I]2813-john ’ve already been warned , and [I]2813-john believe it . [I]2813-john ’m not putting [mum]246-mum , [dad]264-matt or [you]4013-you at risk and … ’[464-dan] [Dan]464-dan ’s interrupted mid - sentence by a cough from over [my]2813-john shoulder , pulling [his]464-dan stare from [me]2813-john to [Jesse]306-jesse . [I]2813-john do n’t need to turn around to know what expression will be on [[my]2813-john husband]71-my brother ’s face . [Dan]464-dan continues . ‘ [These people]2905-these people are dangerous , [Ava]536-ava . ’[464-dan] [My]2813-john head hurts , and [Jesse]306-jesse ’s hand rubs are becoming firmer . [I]2813-john rest [my]2813-john head back on the chair and look up at [Jesse]306-jesse . ‘ [You]306-jesse ca n’t just deposit that kind of money into a bank account . Is n’t it laundering ? [I]2813-john do n’t want [you]306-jesse involved , [Jesse]306-jesse . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john feel terrible saying that , given [[my]2813-john brother]71-my brother ’s sorry situation and knowing [Jesse]306-jesse is [his]306-jesse only hope , but [we]2180-we have enough of [our]2180-we own issues , without [Dan]464-dan adding to [them]2180-we . [He]464-dan smiles down at [me]2813-john . ‘ Do [you]306-jesse honestly think [I]464-dan ’d do anything to put [you]306-jesse and [[my]464-dan babies]1517-my babies at risk ? ’[464-dan] [He]464-dan nods at [my]2813-john stomach . ‘ [I]464-dan ’m[464-dan] transferring enough money into [Dan]464-dan ’s account to get [him]464-dan back to [Australia]4-australia . [I]2813-john have the details of an off - shore account where [I]2813-john ’ll transfer the two hundred . [They]2180-we wo n’t know where the money has come from , [baby]306-jesse . [I]2813-john would n’t do it otherwise . ’ ‘[2813-john] Really ? ’ [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] looking for reassurance . ‘ Really . ’[464-dan] [His]464-dan eyebrows rise and [he]464-dan lowers to kiss [my]2813-john cheek . ‘ There are ways . Trust [me]464-dan . ’[464-dan] [His]464-dan confidence makes [me]2813-john wonder if this is something [he]464-dan has handled before . [I]2813-john would n’t be at all surprised . ‘ Okay , ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john concede , accepting [his]464-dan kiss before feeling [his]464-dan face out . ‘ Thank [you]2813-john . ’[2813-john] ‘ Do n’t thank [me]464-dan . ’[464-dan] [he]464-dan warns seriously . [I]2813-john look across the desk to [[my]2813-john brother]2786-mr , who has noticeably eased up . ‘ Have [you]2813-john thanked [[my]2813-john husband]2786-mr ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ask , suddenly feeling a little resentful . ‘ Of course , ’[464-dan] [Dan]464-dan retorts , offended . ‘ [I]464-dan never asked , [Ava]536-ava . [I]464-dan came to make peace . [[Your]536-ava husband]2786-mr ’s been doing some digging . ’[464-dan] [Dan]464-dan ’s tone should n’t be , taking into consideration [his]464-dan dependence on [Jesse]306-jesse helping [him]464-dan out of the shit , but it ’s accusing . ‘ Has [he]464-dan ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john swing [my]2813-john eyes upwards . ‘ Have [you]2786-mr ? ’[464-dan] [He]464-dan almost rolls [his]464-dan eyes , like [he]464-dan thinks [I]2813-john ’m stupid for not thinking something was amiss [myself]464-dan . ‘[464-dan] [I]2813-john know [a man in the shit , [Ava]536-ava]2183-a man in the shit , ava . ’ ‘[536-ava] Oh , ’ [I]536-ava whisper . This is too much . [I]536-ava feel exhausted . ‘[536-ava] Can [we]2184-we go [home]2904-home ? ’ [I]2813-john ask . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m sorry . ’[306-jesse] [Jesse]306-jesse pulls [me]2813-john up from [his]306-jesse chair and does a quick scan of [my]2813-john body and face . ‘ [I]306-jesse ’ve neglected [you]306-jesse . ’[306-jesse] ‘ [I]306-jesse ’m[306-jesse] fine , just tired . ’ [I]306-jesse sigh and pull [my]306-jesse depleted form towards [Dan]464-dan . ‘[306-jesse] When are [you]2186-you leaving ? ’ [I]306-jesse sound short and stroppy , but [I]306-jesse ca n’t help it . [I]306-jesse know exactly why [Jesse]306-jesse is doing this , and it ’s not just to keep [Dan]464-dan quiet . That was an essential add on when needed . [He]464-dan ’s doing it firstly because [he]464-dan wo n’t risk [the Australian Mafia]192-the australian mafia turning up in [London]3-london , and secondly because [he]464-dan knows [I]306-jesse ’ll be a wreck if anything happens to [Dan]464-dan , which is highly likely if [Jesse]306-jesse does n’t get [him]464-dan out of the diabolical situation that [the idiot]4016-the idiot has gotten [himself]464-dan into . [I]306-jesse wo n’t hold [my]306-jesse breath that [Jesse]306-jesse will see a penny of [his]306-jesse money again . [Dan]464-dan would n’t earn enough in a lifetime to pay [him]306-jesse back . ‘[306-jesse] Tonight . ’ [Dan]464-dan stands . ‘[2187-they] [They]2187-they ’ll be on [their]2187-they way over if [I]2813-john ’m not back by Thursday , so [I]2813-john guess this is goodbye for a while . ’[2813-john] ‘ [You]2188-you were n’t going to tell [me]2813-john [you]2188-you were leaving ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ask . ‘ [I]2813-john would have called [you]2188-you , kiddo . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john can sense [his]2813-john shame , but it does n’t ease the hurt . ‘ [I]2189-your favourite man ’m[2189-your favourite man] not [[your]2188-you favourite man]2189-your favourite man anymore . ’ [he]2813-john adds on a smile . [I]2189-your favourite man ’m[2189-your favourite man] not going to disagree . [He]2813-john ’s not . [He]2813-john always was , even during [my]2813-john relationships with [Matt]264-matt and [Adam]193-adam , but not anymore . [[My]2813-john favourite man]2189-your favourite man is currently holding [my]2813-john tired body up and massaging [my]2813-john tummy with [his]2189-your favourite man comforting touch . ‘ Take care , ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john force a smile , not wanting to contravene [[my]2813-john mother]2774-kate ’s instruction to never leave [a loved one on a bad word]2191-a loved one on a bad word . ‘ Can [I]2189-your favourite man ? ’[2189-your favourite man] [he]2189-your favourite man asks for [Jesse]306-jesse ’s permission with [his]2189-your favourite man arms open , stepping forward . ‘ Sure , ’[306-jesse] [Jesse]306-jesse hand reluctantly leaves [my]2813-john stomach , but [he]2189-your favourite man still holds [me]2813-john until [Dan]464-dan has [me]2813-john in [his]2189-your favourite man embrace . [I]2813-john do n’t want to , but [I]2813-john do . [I]2813-john let a few tears escape and soak into [Dan]464-dan ’s jacket as [I]2813-john return [his]2189-your favourite man tight clinch . ‘ Please be careful , ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john beg . ‘ Hey , [I]2189-your favourite man ’ll be fine . ’[2189-your favourite man] [He]2189-your favourite man holds [me]2813-john at arm ’s length . ‘ [I]2189-your favourite man ca n’t believe [[your]2189-your favourite man husband]2786-mr owns [a sex club]1175-a sex club . ’[2189-your favourite man] [I]2813-john smile as [he]2189-your favourite man rids [my]2813-john cheeks of tears with [his]2189-your favourite man thumb and kisses [my]2813-john forehead . [I]2813-john feel guilty for not feeling more excited , but the truth is , [I]2813-john do n’t need [him]2189-your favourite man anymore . And [he]2189-your favourite man knows it . ‘ Look after [her]2786-mr , ’[464-dan] [Dan]464-dan puts [his]2189-your favourite man hand out to [Jesse]306-jesse , who takes it without even a snort of disgust at [[my]2813-john brothers]2088-my brothers insulting demand . [He]2189-your favourite man just nods and reclaims [me]2813-john before [Dan]464-dan has fully released [me]2813-john . ‘ [You]4019-you can tell [them]2088-my brothers the money will land in [their]2088-my brothers account before the week is out . [You]4019-you have the proof . ’[306-jesse] [Jesse]306-jesse ’s fingers work through [my]2813-john hair softly as [he]2189-your favourite man speaks sharply . ‘ And no trouble when [you]4019-you leave . ’[2189-your favourite man] [he]2189-your favourite man warns . [I]2813-john know what that means , but [I]2813-john do n’t know what the proof is . [My]2813-john washed - out mind is too exhausted to even ask , and [I]2813-john do n’t care , anyway . [I]2813-john watch as [Dan]464-dan nods [his]2189-your favourite man acceptance and then strides out of [[Jesse]306-jesse ’s office]455-jesse ’s office , not looking back . Chapter 29 ‘ [I]306-jesse want to show [you]4019-you something . ’[306-jesse] [Jesse]306-jesse says as [he]2189-your favourite man collects [me]2813-john from [the car]709-the car outside [Lusso]95-lusso . ‘ Do [you]2195-you want [me]2189-your favourite man to carry [you]2195-you ? ’[2189-your favourite man] [I]2813-john do n’t know why [he]2189-your favourite man ’s asked [me]2813-john because [I]2813-john ’m draped across [his]2189-your favourite man arms before the question registers in [my]2813-john useless brain . ‘[2813-john] What do [you]2195-you want to show [me]2813-john ? ’ [I]2813-john ask , resting [my]2813-john head on [his]2189-your favourite man suit covered shoulder . These are the first words [I]2813-john have spoken since watching [Dan]464-dan leave [[Jesse]306-jesse ’s office]455-jesse ’s office , and not because [I]2813-john have n’t been spoken to . [I]2813-john could n’t even muster up the strength to growl a warning at [Sarah]60-sarah as [we]4021-we passed [her]60-sarah in [the entrance hall of [The Manor]226-the manor]226-the manor . [She]60-sarah smiled awkwardly , refrained from laying [her]60-sarah wandering hands all over [Jesse]306-jesse and stepped back , almost warily , like [she]60-sarah was fully expecting a backlash from [me]2813-john . The surprise was clear when [I]2813-john ignored [her]60-sarah presence , choosing to walk on and leave [Jesse]306-jesse to talk business with [her]60-sarah . And [I]2813-john know that ’s all it was and all it ever will be . Business . ‘[2813-john] [You]2196-you ’ll see . ’ [He]2196-you strides into [the foyer of [Lusso]95-lusso]598-the foyer of lusso , and [I]2813-john smile when [I]2813-john hear [Clive]90-clive ’s cheerful voice . [He]2196-you ’s not as easy on the eye as [our]4024-our new concierge , but [I]2813-john ’ll always favour [Clive]90-clive ’s age worn and jolly face , rather than [Casey]95-lusso ’s fresh , pretty one . ‘[2813-john] Congratulations ! ’ [he]2196-you chants . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] not surprised . Either [Jesse]306-jesse really has broadcasted it , or [Cathy]1284-cathy ’s been getting excited . ‘ Wonderful news ! ’[306-jesse] [His]306-jesse voice is getting closer as [I]2813-john ’m carted across the marble towards [the elevator]604-the elevator . ‘[2813-john] Let [me]2813-john get that for [you]2196-you , [Mr Ward]306-jesse . ’ [He]306-jesse jumps in front of [Jesse]306-jesse and pushes in the code for the penthouse lift . ‘[90-clive] Thanks , [Clive]90-clive . ’ [Jesse]306-jesse sounds just as cheerful , as if being reminded of [his]306-jesse peanuts . [He]306-jesse ’s not pushed too much conversation on the journey back to [the city]3455-the city , letting [me]90-clive quietly reflect on [my]90-clive recent revelation — the revelation that [[my]90-clive brother]420-my husband is stupid and [[my]90-clive husband]420-my husband is now two hundred grand lighter because of it . ‘[90-clive] Very good , [Mr Ward]306-jesse , very good . [You]2196-you look after [yourself]2196-you , [Ava]536-ava . ’ [His]536-ava instruction is stern , and [I]536-ava smile fondly as [his]536-ava crabby face disappears when the doors meet in the middle . ‘[536-ava] [You]2196-you let [Clive]90-clive call [me]2813-john [Ava]536-ava . ’ [I]2196-you point out casually . [He]2813-john looks down at [me]2196-you with raised , cautionary eyebrows . ‘[2196-you] [Your]2196-you point being ? ’ ‘[2196-you] Just saying . ’ [I]2813-john find the muscle power to curve [my]2813-john lips into grin , [[my]2813-john husband]2813-john ’s possessiveness providing the amused strength necessary . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m ignoring [you]2196-you . ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john ’s fighting [his]2813-john own grin as [we]2197-we exit the lift and [he]2813-john lets [us]2197-we into [the penthouse]3011-the penthouse , kicking the door shut behind [me]2813-john . ‘ [You]2196-you wo n’t be able to carry [me]2813-john soon . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john grumble , holding on extra tight . [I]2813-john ’ll miss it so much , but when [I]2813-john ’m bursting at the seams and double the size , [I]2813-john ca n’t envisage being carried with such ease , like [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] just an extension of [his]2813-john own body . ‘ Do n’t worry , [lady]2813-john . ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john kisses [my]2813-john forehead and turns to push [his]2813-john back into [his]2813-john office door . ‘ [I]2813-john ’ve ready increased the weights [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] lifting in preparation . ’ [I]2813-john gasp and reach up to pull [his]2813-john hair . ‘[2813-john] Hey ! ’ [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] placed on [my]2813-john feet , but [I]2813-john still have hold of [his]2813-john hair . ‘ [You]2813-john ’re[2813-john] [a savage]2813-john , [lady]2813-john . ’ [He]2813-john laughs , [his]2813-john head lowered to prevent the pull . ‘[2813-john] Are [you]2813-john going to let go ? ’ ‘[2813-john] Say sorry . ’ ‘[2813-john] Sorry . ’ [He]2813-john ’s still laughing . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m sorry . Let go . ’[2813-john] It ’s ludicrous . [He]2813-john could stop [me]2813-john in a heartbeat , but [he]2813-john ’s letting [me]2813-john have the power . For now , anyway . [I]2813-john release [him]2813-john and kick [my]2813-john shoes off . ‘ [My]2813-john feet hurt . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john complain , wriggling [my]2813-john toes . ‘ Why are [we]4028-we in [[your]2813-john office]4029-your office ? ’[2813-john] ‘ [I]2813-john wanted to show [you]2813-john something . ’[2813-john] ‘ A picture of [Jake]786-jake ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ask hopefully , probably too eagerly as well . [I]2813-john really want to see what [Jesse]306-jesse ’s twin looked like . ‘ Well , no . ’[306-jesse] [His]306-jesse frown line jumps onto [his]306-jesse forehead . ‘ What then ? ’[306-jesse] [I]2813-john ask , utterly intrigued . [He]306-jesse looks shifty all of a sudden , uncomfortable and all boyish . ‘ What ’s up with [you]2813-john ? ’[306-jesse] ‘ Turn around . ’[306-jesse] [he]306-jesse commands softly , resting [his]306-jesse hands in [his]306-jesse pockets . [I]2813-john ’m not sure [I]2813-john want to . [I]2813-john look at [him]306-jesse questioningly , but [he]306-jesse remains silent and [his]306-jesse frown line remains fixed in place . [He]306-jesse ’s concerned , which makes [me]2813-john concerned , and very very curious . [I]2813-john slowly pivot , wanting to close [my]2813-john eyes , but far too inquisitive to do it . And then the wall slowly comes into view , and [I]2813-john stop breathing . A choked gasp flies from [my]2813-john gaping mouth , and [I]2813-john ’ve taken a step back because [Jesse]306-jesse ’s chest is pressed up against [me]2813-john . Or maybe [he]306-jesse has stepped forward to steady [me]2813-john . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] not sure . [I]2813-john ca n’t even take it all in . [My]2813-john eyes run from one side of the large wall , the length of [[his]2813-john office]2910-his office to the other end . It ’s completely coated in … [me]2813-john . Every square inch is [me]2813-john . Not framed pictures or canvases or photographs . It ’s wallpaper , although [you]2201-you would never know it . Each seam is so incredibly perfect , it looks like one giant piece of art — a homage to [me]2813-john , and the biggest piece , the centre piece , is [me]2813-john spread on the cross in [[our]2202-our room at [The Manor]226-the manor]2203-our room at the manor . [I]2813-john ’m naked , [my]2813-john eyes are dropped low and [my]2813-john lips are parted . [My]2813-john hair is a mass of glossy waves , framing [my]2813-john lust filled face and the sensual vibes pumping from [my]2813-john body in the still shot is tangible . [I]2813-john can feel it as [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] standing here . [My]2813-john gaze starts to drift , absorbing it all . There ’s too much , and [I]2813-john ’m gasping again as [I]2813-john spot a motion shot of [my]2813-john back as [I]2813-john rush down the steps of [The Manor]226-the manor . It would n’t be particularly strange , but [I]2813-john can clearly see the head of a calla lily , extending from the side of [my]2813-john fleeing body . And [I]2813-john register [my]2813-john dress . It ’s [my]2813-john navy pencil dress . It ’s the dress [I]2813-john wore to [my]2813-john very first consultation with [Mr Jesse Ward]306-jesse . ‘[2813-john] That was the first one [I]2813-john took . ’ [he]306-jesse murmurs , ‘[2813-john] It became a bit of an obsession after that . ’ [His]306-jesse voice is quiet and unsure . [I]2813-john swing around , [my]2813-john mouth still gaping . [I]2813-john ca n’t possibly speak . The lump in [my]2813-john throat is doing too good a job of stopping [me]2813-john . [He]306-jesse ’s biting [his]306-jesse lip , watching [me]2813-john closely . [I]2813-john swallow and turn back to the wall . The Ava wall . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] everywhere . [I]2813-john ’m at the launch night of [Lusso]95-lusso ; [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] sitting on the bench at the dock side after [our]2205-our encounter ; [I]2813-john ’m in the shower , [the kitchen]3044-the kitchen , on [the terrace]2781-the terrace . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] in [Harrods]55-harrods changing [rooms]2206-rooms , and [I]2813-john ’m sitting on [my]2813-john stool in bar at [The Manor]226-the manor . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] kitted out in [my]2813-john biker leathers , and [I]2813-john ’m storming away from [him]2207-him in an oversized , cream knitted jumper . [I]2813-john smile , noting so many shots of [my]2813-john back from where [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] running away from [him]2207-him , probably after [I]2813-john ’ve received the countdown or [I]2813-john ’m having a strop . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] naked in countless , or just in lace . And then there ’s [me]2813-john in handcuffs on the bed , and another of [me]2813-john swimming in the pool at [The Manor]226-the manor . [I]2813-john ’m laughing with [Kate]2774-kate ; [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] brushing [my]2813-john hair from [my]2813-john face ; [I]2813-john ’m eating lunch in Baroque ; [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] dancing with [[my]2813-john friends]825-my friends , and [I]2813-john ’m tapping [my]2813-john front tooth with [my]2813-john fingernail . [I]2813-john also see [myself]2813-john slouched in [the passenger seat of [the DBS]150-the dbs]1274-the passenger seat of the dbs , clearly drunk . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] running towards [the Thames]2210-the thames and [I]2813-john ’m collapsed on the grass in [The Green Park]4034-the green park . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] pushing [a trolley]2211-a trolley around [the supermarket]2212-the supermarket , [I]2813-john ’m getting changed into [my]2813-john baggy shit , and [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] brushing [my]2813-john teeth . [I]2813-john ’m asleep on [the jet]1707-the jet and standing on [the veranda in Paradise]4036-the veranda in paradise . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] poking about on [the market stalls]2213-the market stalls , kicking the sand on [the beach]1566-the beach and cooking breakfast in [the villa]1759-the villa . [We]2216-we only returned from [Spain]30-spain yesterday . How did [he]222-this man do this ? [I]2813-john ’m asleep in [his]222-this man bed and asleep in [his]222-this man arms — there are so many of [me]2813-john asleep in [his]222-this man arms . Every facial expression imaginable and every habit [I]2813-john have is displayed in one of these pictures . It ’s like [my]2813-john life in images since [I]2813-john first met [this man]222-this man . And [I]2813-john was n’t aware of any of it . [He]222-this man really is obsessed with [me]2813-john , and if [I]2813-john ’d have known about this in the early days , like when [he]222-this man persistently pursued [me]2813-john , [I]2813-john think [I]2813-john ’d have ran faster and farther . Not now , though . Now [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] just reminded after a tiring day of [this man]222-this man ’s love for [me]2813-john . [I]2813-john ’m astounded and unaware that [my]2813-john feet have taken [me]2813-john to the foot of the wall . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] slowly walking the length of it , absorbing it all , each flick of [my]2813-john eyes finding another picture that [I]2813-john did n’t see before . ‘ Here , ’[306-jesse] [Jesse]306-jesse ’s quiet husk pulls [my]2813-john bewildered eyes from the Ava wall , and to a black , permanent marker pen . That alone makes [me]2813-john smile . ‘ [I]2813-john want [you]222-this man to sign it . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john take the pen and look up at [him]222-this man , unsure if [he]222-this man ’s playing or not . [He]222-this man wants [me]2813-john to deface [his]222-this man Ava Wall ? ‘ Sign it with [my]2813-john name ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ask , a little confused . ‘ Yes , wherever . ’[222-this man] [He]222-this man waves at the images . [I]2813-john glance back at the wall and laugh lightly , still dazed by what [I]2813-john ’m confronted with . [I]2813-john step forward and pop the lid from the pen , looking for a spare space for [me]2813-john to scribble [my]2813-john name , but then [I]2813-john spot the first shot that [he]222-this man ever took of [me]2813-john and [I]2813-john approach it , armed with [my]2813-john pen . Smiling to [myself]2813-john , [I]2813-john write beneath the shot of [me]2813-john fleeing [The Manor]226-the manor . Today [I]2813-john met [you]4038-you . This day was the beginning of the rest of [my]2813-john life . From this moment , [I]2813-john was [your]4038-you Ava x Then [I]2813-john make [my]2813-john way over to the image of [me]2813-john sitting by [the docks]4039-the docks on the launch night of [Lusso]95-lusso . Today [I]2813-john realised how in deep [I]2813-john was . And [I]2813-john wanted to be so much deeper with [you]4038-you . [I]2813-john move along the wall to the picture of [me]2813-john drunk in [[Jesse]306-jesse ’s car]3465-jesse ’s car and smile as [I]2813-john write ; Today [I]2813-john learnt that [you]4038-you can dance . [I]2813-john also admitted to [myself]2813-john that [I]2813-john was in love with [you]4038-you , and [I]2813-john think [I]2813-john might have told [you]4038-you too . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] in [my]2813-john stride now . [I]2813-john quickly locate the picture of [me]2813-john in the chunky jumper , after [he]2218-he manhandled [me]2813-john into the damn thing . Today [I]2813-john found out that [I]2813-john ’m just for [your]4038-you eyes . Then [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] writing underneath the picture of [me]2813-john walking naked from [the bedroom]663-the bedroom after [I]2813-john found [him]2218-he collapsed at [Lusso]95-lusso , and after [he]2218-he showed [me]2813-john how [he]2218-he does [his]2218-he talking . Today [I]2813-john learnt that [I]2813-john ’m for [your]4038-you touch and for [your]4038-you pleasure only . But [my]2813-john favourite part of today was when [you]4038-you told [me]2813-john that [you]4038-you love [me]2813-john . [My]2813-john pen drifts over to the shot of [me]2813-john handcuffed . Today [you]4038-you introduced [me]2813-john to the retribution fuck . [I]2813-john quickly scan the wall and find a picture of [me]2813-john walking in front of [him]2218-he through [the foyer of [The Ritz]4042-the ritz]4041-the foyer of the ritz . Today [I]2813-john found out how old [you]4038-you are … and that [you]4038-you do n’t like being handcuffed . [I]2813-john ca n’t stop . Each and every image brings a thought , and [I]2813-john find [myself]2813-john marking picture after picture with [my]2813-john memories in words . [He]2222-he does n’t stop [me]2813-john . [I]2813-john just keep going , like [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] writing a diary of the last few months of [my]2813-john life . [I]2813-john do n’t need to record it , each and every moment is etched on [my]2813-john brain , good and bad , but these are all good . And there are so so many of [them]2220-them . It ’s sometimes too easy to let [them]2220-them slip to the outer edges when the not so good gets in the way . [Our]2221-our short time together has been a bombardment of bad , but all of this good far outweighs the challenging moments . [He]2222-he ’s reminded [me]2813-john . [My]2813-john hand is aching by the time [I]2813-john reach [my]2813-john final picture — [my]2813-john final picture for now , anyway . [I]2813-john ’m sure [I]2813-john ’ll be thinking of more captions to add . It ’s the one of [me]2813-john standing on [the veranda in [Paradise]41-paradise]4036-the veranda in paradise . [I]2813-john push [my]2813-john pen to the wall . Today [I]2813-john decided that [you]2224-you ’re[2813-john] right . [We]2223-we will be okay . And yes , [I]2813-john do have a bump … ish , and [I]2813-john love [you]2224-you for giving it to [me]2813-john . [I]2813-john ’ll always love [you]2224-you . End of . Replacing the lid on the pen , [I]2813-john take a deep breath and finally face [[my]2813-john Lord]2765-my lord , bumping right into [his]2765-my lord chest and getting a waft of [his]2765-my lord fresh , minty scent . [I]2813-john look up at [him]2765-my lord , finding a straight face and clouded green eyes . ‘ [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] done . ’ [I]2813-john whisper quietly , but [he]2765-my lord ’s not looking at [me]2813-john . [He]2765-my lord ’s studying all of [my]2813-john captions , [his]2765-my lord eyes travelling across the wall and pausing every now and then to read what [I]2813-john have written . [He]2765-my lord takes the pen and moves towards the picture of [me]2813-john fleeing [The Manor]226-the manor , and then gets up close and personal with the wall . [I]2813-john ca n’t see what [he]2765-my lord ’s writing , and [I]2813-john shift to try and look around [his]2765-my lord body , but [he]2765-my lord ’s too close . [He]2765-my lord finally moves away , and [I]2813-john see it , scrolled across the top of the image . Today [my]2813-john heart started beating again . Today [you]4045-you became [mine]2813-john . [I]2813-john press [my]2813-john lips together and watch as [he]306-jesse moves across to an image of [me]2813-john seated in the long grass of [The Manor ’s grounds]557-the manor ’s grounds in [my]2813-john wedding dress , top to toe in ivory lace and with the sun shooting bullets of light through the trees behind [me]2813-john . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] looking away , probably at [the photographer]349-the photographer . Again , [Jesse]306-jesse gets up close to the wall , and then moves away , chewing the end on the pen . [He]306-jesse ’s drawn a perfect halo above [my]2813-john head and written ; [[My]2813-john beautiful girl]3578-my lady . [My]2813-john defiant temptress . [[My]2813-john lady]3578-my lady . [[My]2813-john angel]3578-my lady . [[My]2813-john Ava]3578-my lady . [I]2813-john smile and step forward , taking the pen from [his]306-jesse mouth and dragging [him]306-jesse from [his]306-jesse daydream . [I]2813-john replace the lid and drop it to the floor , then gracefully climb up [him]306-jesse until [I]2813-john ’m wrapped around [his]306-jesse big body . [His]306-jesse palms are cupping [my]536-ava bum and [his]306-jesse eyes and burning into [mine]536-ava . ‘[536-ava] [Ava]536-ava , today has been the longest fucking day of [my]2813-john life . ’ ‘[536-ava] Longer than the last longest day ? ’ ‘[536-ava] Each day gets longer . [I]2813-john ’ve gotten too used to having [you]2228-you twenty four seven . [I]2813-john believe that [I]2813-john owe [you]2228-you some special time . ’ Those words have [me]2813-john pushing [his]306-jesse suit jacket from [his]306-jesse arms and [my]2813-john lips crashing to [his]306-jesse , ravenously . ‘[2813-john] Easy , ’ [he]306-jesse warns gently , moving each arm in turn so [I]2813-john can rid [him]306-jesse of [his]306-jesse jacket . ‘[2813-john] What ’s the rush ? ’ [I]2813-john force [my]2813-john lips to slow [their]4047-their devouring of [him]306-jesse — easier said than done when [I]2813-john have n’t had [him]306-jesse for two full days . ‘[2813-john] It ’s been too long . ’ [I]2813-john mumble , pulling at [his]306-jesse tie , probably strangling [him]306-jesse in the process , but [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] not releasing [his]2229-his lips to confirm it . ‘ Hey , ’[2229-his] [He]2229-his ’s pulling at [my]2813-john limbs , trying to pry [me]2813-john from [him]2229-his . [I]2813-john ’m not making it easy for [him]2229-his , although it ’s not long before [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] on [my]2813-john feet again , breathing heavy and with no contact . [He]2229-his steps back and pulls [his]2229-his tie over [his]2229-his head before kicking off [his]2229-his Grensons and socks . [His]2229-his eyes are ablaze and virtually burning [my]2813-john dress from [my]2813-john body . ‘ Take [your]2813-john dress off . ’[2229-his] [he]2229-his orders , working the buttons of [his]2229-his shirt , and then starting on [his]2229-his cuffs , never breaking [our]2230-our eye contact . It ’s not helping [me]2813-john in [my]2813-john hungry state , not at all . It takes [me]2813-john three seconds flat to unzip [my]2813-john dress and pull it up over [my]2813-john head , leaving [me]2813-john standing in [my]2813-john lace and taking a quick glimpse down at [my]2813-john stomach to see if it ’s grown throughout the day . [I]2813-john breathe in to try and gage it , getting slightly side - tracked from [my]2813-john masterpiece of [a husband]3138-a husband , who ’s standing only a few feet away . [He]2229-his ’s definitely right , and [I]2813-john have the black pencil dress to prove it . It ’s all downhill from here . [My]2813-john hand lifts and slides onto [my]2813-john navel , [my]2813-john rings sparkling as [I]2813-john rub slow circles around [my]2813-john bellybutton . The bond is growing , and it ’s growing fast . A piece of [me]2813-john and a piece of [Jesse]306-jesse , two pieces , in fact , are growing inside of [me]2813-john , and the very thought has [me]2813-john overcome with a sudden sense of warmness that [I]2813-john ’ve never felt before — a warmness that deepens when [Jesse]306-jesse ’s hand lays over [mine]2813-john and [he]306-jesse stoops down , nuzzling [my]2813-john face upwards so [he]306-jesse can access [my]2813-john mouth . ‘ Incredible , is n’t it ? ’[306-jesse] [he]306-jesse asks , reattaching [me]2813-john to [his]306-jesse body with an effortless pull of [my]2813-john upper thighs . ‘ Yes , ’[306-jesse] [I]2813-john agree , wholeheartedly . ‘ Just like [you]2813-john . ’[2813-john] ‘ And [you]2813-john . ’[306-jesse] ‘ More [you]2813-john . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john argue . ‘ Show [me]2813-john how incredible [you]2813-john are . [I]2813-john ’ve forgotten . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john provoke [his]306-jesse arrogance with those words and bow [my]2813-john back , lifting [myself]2813-john higher to [him]306-jesse so [he]306-jesse has to drop [his]306-jesse head back to maintain [our]2232-our kiss . The low rumbling growl emanating from deep inside of [him]306-jesse , travels through [our]2232-our joined mouths and warms [me]2813-john further . [He]306-jesse starts walking from [[his]306-jesse office]2910-his office through the vast openness of [the penthouse]3011-the penthouse , where [I]2813-john ’m laid on the huge corner couch and [my]306-jesse backside is pulled to the end so [my]306-jesse lower body is propped up on the arm . [He]306-jesse removes [his]306-jesse trousers and boxers , revealing the beauty of [his]306-jesse cock , hard , ready , and within touching distance , but [he]306-jesse kneels down at the end of the couch , taking it clean from [my]306-jesse view . [I]306-jesse do n’t have time to complain . [My]306-jesse knickers are removed , [my]306-jesse legs are pulled apart and [his]306-jesse mouth is on the inside of [my]306-jesse thigh fast , kissing gently , shifting to the other thigh and teasing softly . Forward and back [he]306-jesse goes , moving from one side to the other , getting higher with each set , [his]306-jesse hands spreading [me]306-jesse further as [he]306-jesse makes [his]306-jesse way to [my]306-jesse pulsing centre . ‘[306-jesse] [Jesse]306-jesse , ’ [I]306-jesse take in air , [my]306-jesse legs needing to move . [My]306-jesse hand flies up to grasp the leather on the backrest of the couch , [my]306-jesse other cupping the back of [his]306-jesse head . ‘[306-jesse] Have [you]306-jesse remembered how incredible [I]2813-john am ? ’ [he]306-jesse asks seriously , pulling back and blowing over [my]306-jesse raw flesh . ‘[306-jesse] Yes ! ’ [My]306-jesse hands are twitching as [his]306-jesse cool breath spreads over [me]306-jesse and travels down [my]306-jesse thighs . ‘[306-jesse] Shit ! ’ [I]536-ava try to close [my]536-ava legs when [I]536-ava feel the first dash of contact from [his]306-jesse tongue on [my]536-ava clitoris , but [he]306-jesse ’s just teasing [me]536-ava , giving [me]536-ava a taste of what ’s to come , and [my]536-ava legs are going nowhere , except where [he]306-jesse decides , which is wider , making [me]536-ava sensitive , more open and more frenzied . ‘[536-ava] Mouth , [Ava]536-ava , ’ [His]536-ava tongue enters [me]536-ava and then licks an unspeakably delicious stroke up [my]536-ava middle . [I]536-ava cry out , [my]536-ava head thrashing from side to side . ‘[536-ava] Incredible ? ’ [He]536-ava ’s cocky and sure , and has earned that privilege . ‘[536-ava] Tell [me]2813-john how it feels , [baby]536-ava . ’ [My]536-ava fisted hand that is now clenching at [his]536-ava hair should tell [him]536-ava all [he]536-ava needs to know — that and [my]536-ava inaudible mumbling . [I]536-ava ’m[536-ava] seeing stars , [my]2813-john belly is aching and [my]2813-john poor legs are unable to move . And then [his]536-ava fingers are inside [me]2813-john and [my]2813-john hands leave the sofa and [his]536-ava hair in favour of [my]2813-john own head . [My]2813-john stomach muscles are rigid as [I]2813-john lift [my]2813-john upper body up to try and quench the charging surge of pressure that ’s descending from [my]2813-john tummy to [my]2813-john core . [I]2813-john decide in [my]2813-john fevered bliss that [I]2813-john want to see [him]536-ava , so [I]2813-john prop [myself]2813-john up on [my]2813-john elbows and gaze down the length of [my]2813-john body , seeing [his]536-ava palm resting on [my]2813-john stomach , while [his]536-ava fingers fuck [me]2813-john slowly . ‘ Tell [me]536-ava , ’[536-ava] [he]536-ava pushes , sweeping through [me]2813-john with agonising precision . ‘ It feels like [you]4048-you were made to fit [me]536-ava . ’[536-ava] [My]2813-john words are even and as sure as the expression on [his]536-ava face . [He]536-ava thinks that , too . [He]536-ava smiles and leans in , tenderly kissing [my]2813-john sensitive skin before rising to [his]536-ava feet and grasping [me]2813-john under [my]2813-john thighs , lifting [my]2813-john lower body to position [himself]536-ava . [I]2813-john find [my]2813-john upper body lifting , too , [my]2813-john hands palm down behind [me]2813-john so [I]2813-john have the best view of [him]536-ava entering [me]2813-john . And it really is the best view . [We]2235-we both focus on [his]536-ava rigid cock as [he]536-ava brings it to [me]2813-john , no hands required , like it has a homing device that will take it to where it belongs . [He]536-ava meets [my]2813-john entrance and hovers for a while , just skimming [my]2813-john damp void , teasingly . [I]2813-john ’m ever impatient , [my]2813-john lower legs curling around [his]536-ava lower back and pulling [him]536-ava towards [me]2813-john , but [he]536-ava ’s going nowhere . Not until [he]536-ava says so . And [he]536-ava does n’t say so . [He]536-ava just smirks that almost undetectable smirk while [he]536-ava keeps [his]536-ava eyes down , still teasing [me]2813-john with irregular and torturous skims of [his]536-ava slippery head across the very tip of [my]2813-john oversensitive small nub of nerves . [He]536-ava ’s killing [me]2813-john , and [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] dying to lay [myself]2813-john back down , but [I]2813-john ’m too engrossed by [his]536-ava cruel pleasure . ‘[2813-john] Shall [we]2236-we try penetration ? ’ [he]536-ava asks , but [he]536-ava still wo n’t look at [me]2813-john . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] going out of [my]2813-john mind , but that defiance in [me]2813-john , coupled with [his]2813-john self - assured attitude , has [me]2813-john determined to match [his]2813-john poise . ‘ If [you]4049-you like . ’[2813-john] [My]2813-john calm , aloof words have [his]2813-john greens leaving [their]2237-their rapt focus point on a surprised twinkle . ‘ If [I]2813-john like ? ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john pushes into [me]2813-john , only very slightly , but enough to force [me]2813-john to repress a moan . [I]2813-john know [I]2813-john ’ll be made to wait longer if [I]2813-john ’m impatient and demanding , so [I]2813-john control it . ‘[2813-john] What about if [you]2238-you like ? ’ In a little further [he]2813-john goes . [I]2813-john know [my]2813-john lips have just parted , and [I]2813-john know [my]2813-john chest is expanding fast . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] trying [my]2813-john damn hardest , but every fibre of [my]2813-john being is giving [me]2813-john away . [I]2813-john ’m held in place with one arm while [his]2813-john other hand reaches forward and yanks the cups of [my]0-my beautiful girl bra down . Each nipple is given a sharp pinch , and [I]0-my beautiful girl bite back a scream of pleasure mixed with intense pain . ‘[0-my beautiful girl] [[My]2813-john beautiful girl]0-my beautiful girl is trying to play it cool . ’ [he]2813-john muses , adjusting [his]2813-john grip of [me]0-my beautiful girl , ready to pound forward . ‘[0-my beautiful girl] It ’s a shame [she]0-my beautiful girl ’s shit at feigning casualness . ’ [He]2813-john does n’t pound forward , though . [He]2813-john eases in lazily , and [my]0-my beautiful girl head rolls back on a groan . ‘[0-my beautiful girl] That ’s more like it . ’ [He]2813-john ’s completely submerged within [me]536-ava now , the tip of [his]2813-john impressive cock brushing [my]536-ava womb . ‘[536-ava] Show a bit of appreciation , [Ava]536-ava . ’ [He]2813-john extracts [himself]2813-john , and this time [he]2813-john really does pound forward , surprisingly hard . [My]536-ava arms begin to shake , followed by [my]536-ava head in despair . ‘[536-ava] Again , ’ [I]536-ava demand . [He]2813-john ’s teased [me]536-ava too far this time . ‘[536-ava] Again ! ’ ‘[536-ava] That depends . ’ ‘[536-ava] On what ? [You]2240-you said it does n’t always need to be hard . ’ [I]2240-you ’m[2240-you] battling to catch [my]2813-john breath , swallowing repeatedly . ‘ Then [you]2240-you do this to [me]2240-you . Have [you]2240-you finally read the part of the book that confirms [you]2240-you wo n’t hurt [the babies]3585-the babies ? ’[2240-you] ‘ Yes , ’[536-ava] [He]536-ava strikes with utter accuracy , buckling [my]2813-john arms , but then holds still again . ‘ It ’s a good book . ’[536-ava] ‘ It ’s a good book now . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john agree . Now that [he]536-ava ’s read the most beneficial part , it ’s a great book . ‘ It was always a good book , but it did say [you]2813-john must listen to [your]2813-john body . ’[536-ava] [He]536-ava slides out again and pushes forward on a moan . ‘ [I]536-ava ’m[536-ava] listening , and it ’s saying harder . ’ [I]3585-the babies pant . ‘[3585-the babies] [The babies]3585-the babies are protected . [I]2813-john read that . ’ [He]536-ava hisses and blows out a controlled breath . ‘[2813-john] And [I]2813-john can spank [you]2813-john , apparently . ’ [His]536-ava palm collides with [my]2813-john arse on a loud smack , and [I]2813-john yelp . ‘[2813-john] [You]2813-john ’ve already slapped [me]2813-john ! ’ [I]2813-john remind [him]536-ava on a shout as [he]536-ava re - enters [me]2813-john . ‘[2813-john] But [I]2813-john did n’t think [you]2813-john were pregnant then . ’ [He]536-ava reminds [me]2813-john on another sharp assault of [his]536-ava palm across [my]2813-john bum . ‘[2813-john] Good ? ’ ‘[2813-john] Yes ! ’ [I]2813-john persuade [my]2813-john head to lift and when it does , [I]2813-john go dizzy with gratefulness . [My]2813-john tongue leaves [my]2813-john mouth of its own accord and journeys across [my]2813-john bottom lip slowly , enticingly . ‘[2813-john] [You]2813-john look amazing . ’ [I]2813-john breathe , watching each finely tuned muscle on [his]536-ava abdomen bunch and [his]536-ava biceps bulge from holding [my]2813-john lower body to [him]536-ava . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john know . ’ [He]536-ava grinds smooth and slow . ‘[2813-john] Oh God ! ’ [My]2813-john arms finally give in , collapsing and leaving [me]2813-john flat on [my]2813-john back . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john know , ’ [he]536-ava agrees , ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john fucking know . ’ ‘[306-jesse] [Jesse]306-jesse , [I]2813-john ’m going to come . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m not so bothered about maintaining [my]2813-john resistance now . It ’s long gone . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m not . ’[306-jesse] Out and in [he]306-jesse slides all over again . ‘ Are [you]306-jesse listening to [your]306-jesse body , [Ava]536-ava ? ’[306-jesse] ‘ Yes ! And it ’s telling [me]306-jesse [I]306-jesse need to come ! ’[306-jesse] Slap ! ‘ Do n’t be fucking smart ! ’[306-jesse] [He]306-jesse swivels , pulls free completely and slips [his]306-jesse cock straight up [my]2813-john centre , instigating a stupidly satisfying friction of [his]306-jesse flesh against [mine]2813-john . ‘ Well , it ’s telling [me]2242-you that [I]2242-you ’m[2242-you] doing a damn fine job of servicing [you]2242-you . ’ [He]306-jesse ’s shaking . [I]2813-john can feel it travelling through [his]306-jesse arms and into [my]2813-john legs , but [he]306-jesse maintains [his]306-jesse silky smooth thrusts . ‘[2813-john] Fuck , [I]2813-john need to be all over [you]2242-you . ’ [My]306-jesse lower body is dropped and [my]306-jesse hands grasped , pulling [me]306-jesse up to [his]306-jesse standing body with an easy tug . [I]306-jesse ’m[306-jesse] on the rug , beneath [him]306-jesse in no time at all , [my]2813-john nipples being teased by [his]306-jesse tongue and [his]306-jesse hand between [my]2813-john thighs , guiding [himself]306-jesse back to [me]2813-john . Now that [I]2813-john can feel [his]306-jesse skin , [I]2813-john notice just how sweaty [he]306-jesse is . [My]2813-john hands are feeling out every inch of [him]306-jesse . ‘ Kiss [me]2813-john , ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john plead , and [he]306-jesse does n’t mess about . [Our]2243-our mouths are together , [he]306-jesse ’s sliding back inside of [me]2813-john and [our]2243-our bodies are touching in every place possible . [His]306-jesse momentum is perfect , and [I]2813-john ’m rocking [my]2813-john hips up to meet [him]306-jesse on every drive , capturing the spikes of pleasure that each one of [his]306-jesse plunges is instigating . [My]2813-john hands land on [his]306-jesse arse and [my]2813-john nails dig into [his]306-jesse solid cheeks as [he]306-jesse ravishes [me]2813-john with [his]306-jesse mouth , [our]2243-our tongues dancing wildly and hungrily . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john think … ’ [he]306-jesse ’s on [my]2813-john cheek , pushing on . ‘[2813-john] [you]2813-john should … ’ now [he]306-jesse ’s at [my]2813-john neck , then [he]306-jesse ’s biting at the lobe of [my]2813-john ear . ‘[2813-john] quit [your]2813-john job . ’ [I]2813-john shake [my]2813-john head , tipping [my]2813-john hips up on a long , happy moan . ‘[2813-john] No , ’ ‘[2813-john] But [I]2813-john want to spend every day doing this . Give [me]2813-john back [your]2813-john mouth . [I]2813-john turn [my]2813-john head into to [him]2813-john . ‘ [You]2813-john ’ll have to wait until [I]2813-john get [home]2904-home . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m biting [his]2813-john lip now and pushing [my]2813-john hands into [his]2813-john arse to gain some friction . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john do n’t want to . ’ [He]2813-john bites [me]2813-john back . ‘[2813-john] Wherever , whenever . ’ ‘[2813-john] Except when [I]2813-john ’m at work . Deeper . ’[2813-john] ‘ Oh , so [she]4051-she can make the demands , then ? ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john does n’t go deeper , [the bastard]2813-john . ‘ [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] not quitting [my]2813-john job . ’ ‘[2813-john] And how do [you]2813-john expect to look after [[my]2813-john babies]1414-your babies if [you]2813-john ’re working . ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john asks the arrogant question around [my]2813-john mouth on a painfully perfect rotation of [his]2813-john hips . ‘ But [you]2813-john want [me]2813-john at [home]2904-home to do this , not to look after [[your]2813-john babies]1414-your babies . ’[2813-john] ‘ Now [you]2813-john ’re[2813-john] just being awkward . ’ [He]2813-john abandons [my]2813-john mouth and leans down to bite [my]2813-john nipple before kissing [his]2813-john way back up [my]2813-john body . ‘[2813-john] Deeper ? ’ ‘[2813-john] Please . ’ ‘[2813-john] Okay , ’ [He]2813-john goes deep . Very deep . So lusciously , amazingly deep . ‘[194-hmmmmm] [Hmmmmm]194-hmmmmm . ’ [He]2813-john stills and concentrates on kissing the life out of [me]194-hmmmmm . ‘[194-hmmmmm] Do [you]2813-john see ? [I]2813-john ’m giving [you]2813-john what [you]2813-john want . ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john most definitely is , but [I]2813-john know where this is going , and it ’s called a sense fuck without the brute force . [I]2813-john need to be careful here . ‘ [You]2813-john ’re[2813-john] too good to [me]2813-john . ’ [I]2813-john quip . ‘[2813-john] Ohhhhh ! ’ [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] tinkering on the edge of orgasm obliteration , but this is so nice — just steady lovemaking , feeling each other and taking [our]2245-our blissful time . [He]2813-john swallows [my]2813-john sated moan , continuing to explore [my]2813-john mouth , like [he]2813-john ’s never had it before . [Our]2245-our sex sessions , whether steamy or romantic , hard or soft , are always like the first time all over again . ‘ [You]2813-john should show [your]2813-john gratitude . ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john leaves [my]2813-john mouth and braces [his]2813-john upper body on [his]2813-john arms . ‘ Do n’t [you]2813-john think ? ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john looks down between [our]2245-our bodies as [he]2813-john rears back , and [I]2813-john look down , too , seeing the full length of [him]2813-john emerging from [my]2813-john passage . ‘ Look at that . ’[2813-john] [he]2813-john sighs and holds [himself]2813-john , just breaching [my]2813-john opening , then [he]2813-john looks up at [me]2813-john . ‘ Just fucking perfect . ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john sinks in , smooth and slow on a long rush of hot breath that warms [my]2813-john face , even from [his]2813-john raised position . [I]2813-john ’m starting to tremble and [my]2246-she useless arms fall back over [my]2246-she head . ‘[2246-she] [She]2246-she ’s beginning to pant . ’ [he]2813-john states , dropping to [his]2813-john forearms . ‘[2246-she] [She]2246-she ’s trembling all over . ’ [His]2813-john hips falter in [their]4053-their meticulous assault and judder forward . [He]2813-john ’s panting , too . And [he]2813-john ’s trembling . [I]2246-she ’m[2246-she] holding [my]2813-john breath now , tensing everywhere ready to ride out [my]2813-john climax , so [I]2813-john ca n’t point this out . ‘ [I]2813-john think [she]2246-she wants to come . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john start shaking [my]2813-john head , even though [I]2813-john mean to nod and scream yes . [I]2813-john ’m squirming under the hard , cut beauty of [his]2813-john body , [our]4054-our sweaty skins blending and sliding . [My]2247-his redundant arms and hands are rapidly rising , deciding all on [their]4053-their own that there is something [they]4053-their ’d like to do . [My]2247-his fingers thread through that dirty blonde mass and grip hard . ‘[2247-his] [She]2247-his definitely wants to come . ’ [He]2247-his sounds self - assured and cool , but [his]2247-his own body is having a fit of spasms as [he]2247-his tries to maintain [his]2247-his stable tempo . [He]2247-his ’s failing on every level . [His]2247-his hip movements have become unpredictable , indicating [his]2247-his pending orgasm and [his]2247-his fast loss of control . ‘[2813-john] Fuck ! ’ And that word seals the deal . [He]2247-his ’s way past the point of return , so [I]2813-john seize [my]2813-john opportunity , pulling harder on [his]2247-his hair and reaching up to sink [my]2813-john teeth into [his]2247-his sweat glistening shoulder in an attempt to supress [my]2813-john scream of release and encourage [his]2247-his . It works , as [I]2813-john knew it would . ‘[2813-john] Fuck , fuck , fuck ! ’ [He]2247-his ’s working harder and faster into [me]536-ava , burying [his]536-ava face into [my]536-ava hair . ‘[536-ava] Now , [Ava]536-ava ! ’ [I]536-ava ’m[536-ava] done for . [I]2813-john unclamp [my]2813-john teeth from [his]536-ava flesh and join [him]536-ava in [his]536-ava frantic oblivion of raw , carnal pleasure , throwing [my]2813-john arms around [his]536-ava neck and rolling [my]2813-john hips up to meet the last thorough thrash of [his]536-ava body into [mine]2813-john . [He]536-ava collapses onto [me]2813-john carefully , but grinds slowly as [he]536-ava nibbles on [my]2813-john neck through [his]536-ava laboured breathing . ‘ Please quit . ’[536-ava] [he]536-ava begs . ‘ Then [we]4055-we really can stay like this forever . ’[536-ava] [I]2813-john ca n’t find [my]2813-john vocal cords , except to mumble some objection , which [I]2813-john do with an increase of pressure of [my]2813-john arms around [his]536-ava neck . ‘ Was that a yes ? ’[536-ava] [He]536-ava licks up the salty skin of [my]2813-john cheek and across [my]2813-john lips . ‘ Say yes . ’[536-ava] ‘ No . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john gasp . ‘ [Stubborn woman]1095-stubborn woman . ’[536-ava] [He]536-ava pecks [my]2813-john lips and rolls onto [his]536-ava back , ensuring [he]536-ava remains snuggly inside [me]2813-john and [I]2813-john ’m comfortable on [his]536-ava lap . ‘[2813-john] [We]2248-we need to renew [our]2248-we vows . ’ [I]2813-john frown and take a few moments to gather enough air in [my]2813-john lungs to form a sentence . ‘[2813-john] [We]2248-we ’ve not even been married a month . ’ [My]2813-john hips are seized and [I]2813-john tense , but then [I]2813-john watch as [his]536-ava eyes drift onto [my]2813-john stomach and [his]536-ava warning look transforms into a smile as [he]536-ava shifts [his]536-ava threatening hands to [my]2813-john small - ish bump and starts caressing it . ‘[2813-john] Yes , only a month and [you]2249-my ’ve already forgotten a significant part of [your]2249-my promise . ’ ‘[2813-john] [You]2249-my can take [your]2249-my obey and swivel on it . ’ [I]2249-my manage to get those words out just fine . [I]2249-my also manage to lift [my]2249-my heavy arms and wrap [my]2249-my palms around [his]536-ava neck . [He]536-ava feigns a choke on a grin and pulls [me]2249-my down by the tops of [my]2249-my arms , curling [his]536-ava big palms around [my]2249-my neck . [We]4057-we ’re[2249-my] both ready to strangle each other . ‘ Who ’d win ? ’[2250-he] [he]2250-he asks , getting nose to nose with [me]2813-john . ‘ [You]2813-john , ’[2250-he] ‘ Correct . ’[2250-he] [he]2250-he agrees . ‘ [I]2250-he ’m[2250-he] thirsty . ’ [I]2813-john give a little shake of [his]2250-he neck , making [him]2250-he laugh . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’ll get some water . ’ ‘[2813-john] [You]2813-john ca n’t pick and choose when [you]2813-john fulfil [your]2813-john wifely duties . ’ [He]2250-he pushes [me]2813-john from [his]2250-he strewn body and lifts slightly to catch a slap of [my]2813-john arse as [I]2813-john walk away . ‘[2813-john] Water , wench ! ’ ‘[2813-john] Do n’t push it , [Ward]536-ava . ’ [I]536-ava caution , snapping the cups of [my]536-ava bra back over [my]536-ava breasts and taking [my]536-ava mostly naked form into [the kitchen]3044-the kitchen . ‘[536-ava] Do n’t even think about coming back in here until [I]2813-john can see [your]2813-john breasts again , [lady]2813-john ! ’ [he]2250-he shouts after [me]2813-john . [I]2813-john have the biggest grin on [my]2813-john face as [I]2813-john open the fridge and collect two bottles of water . Negotiating [my]2813-john hold of the two ice cold bottles so [I]2813-john do n’t punish [my]2813-john skin , [I]2813-john snatch another item that ’s sitting all on its lonesome on the bottom shelf . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] grinning again . ‘ Did n’t [you]2813-john hear [me]306-jesse ? ’[306-jesse] [Jesse]306-jesse ’s affronted tone is the first thing to hit [my]2813-john ears when [I]2813-john reappear in the massive open space of [the penthouse]3011-the penthouse . [He]306-jesse ’s staring at [my]2813-john bra covered chest . ‘ [I]306-jesse heard [you]2813-john . ’[306-jesse] [I]2813-john drop the bottles on the couch and keep [my]2813-john Jesse surprise behind [my]2813-john back . [He]306-jesse ’s still flat on [his]306-jesse back and [he]306-jesse ’s looking up at [me]2813-john with suspicious green eyes . ‘ [[My]306-jesse wife]2849-my wife has a crafty look on [her]2849-my wife beautiful face . ’[306-jesse] The eyes have narrowed now . [He]306-jesse slowly sits up and positions [his]306-jesse back against the couch , then pats [his]306-jesse lap . ‘ And [she]2849-my wife ’s hiding something from [me]306-jesse . ’[306-jesse] [He]306-jesse reaches behind [him]306-jesse and grabs a bottle of water , having a long swig before screwing the lid on slowly . ‘ [Crafty]195-crafty - ish . ’[306-jesse] Taking [his]306-jesse cue , [I]2813-john lower onto [him]306-jesse and shift forward when [he]306-jesse drops the bottle and cups [my]2813-john arse with both big palms . ‘ There ’s no – ish about it . ’[306-jesse] One of [his]306-jesse hands leaves [my]2813-john bum , but only for long enough to yank the cups of [my]2813-john bra down again . Then it ’s firmly replaced . ‘ What are [you]4060-you hiding ? ’[306-jesse] ‘ Something . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john tease , moving to the side when [he]306-jesse tries to crane [his]306-jesse neck to get a peek . ‘ No . ’[306-jesse] [I]2813-john warn , and [he]306-jesse huffs a little before resting back against the couch . [I]2813-john unscrew the lid behind [my]2813-john back and drop it before presenting the jar to [[my]2813-john God]222-this man , whose curious eyes have just sprung wide open in delight at the sight before [him]306-jesse . ‘ [I]222-this man ’m[222-this man] in control . ’ [I]222-this man grin . [His]222-this man eyes widen further but this time in outrage . ‘[222-this man] Oh no . Not where that ’s concerned . Forget it , no way , never . ’ [His]222-this man hand is making a grab for it , but [my]306-jesse stealthy move whips it from under [his]222-this man nose . ‘[306-jesse] Relax . ’ [I]306-jesse laugh , pushing [him]222-this man back against the couch . The urge to cuddle [him]222-this man overwhelms [my]306-jesse teasing streak when [I]306-jesse see [his]222-this man concerned frown wriggle its way onto [his]222-this man brow . [God]306-jesse love [this man]222-this man . That bottom lip is being nibbled away , as [he]222-this man watches [my]306-jesse hand move slowly towards the jar and [my]306-jesse finger disappear with the depths of creamy goo . [I]306-jesse actually grimace as [my]306-jesse finger squelches back out , and [I]306-jesse know [my]306-jesse nose has just wrinkled in disgust at the sight of a huge dollop all over [my]306-jesse index finger . ‘[306-jesse] Do n’t tease [me]2813-john with it , [baby]306-jesse . ’ [His]222-this man eyes are fixated on [my]306-jesse coated finger , and [they]4061-they follow [my]306-jesse trail as [I]306-jesse bring the gloop down and wipe it all over [my]306-jesse nipple . It ’s freezing cold , and disgusting , but the look of thorough exhilaration that has just landed on [[my]306-jesse rogue]4062-my rogue ’s face is enough of an incentive to battle forward . [His]222-this man eyes flick to [mine]306-jesse . ‘[306-jesse] Oops . ’ [I]306-jesse grin as [his]222-this man head leisurely creeps forward , all slow and casual , which is absurd because [I]306-jesse know [he]222-this man ’s dying to clean it all off , and not just because [he]222-this man wants [my]306-jesse breast in [his]222-this man mouth . The hum of happiness has [me]306-jesse giggling and writhing under [his]222-this man hot tongue . ‘[306-jesse] Holy fucking shit . ’ [He]222-this man laps away , making a completely over - the - top spectacle of demolishing [my]306-jesse breast with [his]222-this man tongue before flopping back and licking [his]222-this man lips . ‘[306-jesse] [I]2813-john did n’t think it could taste any better . More . ’ [I]913-an idiot ’m[913-an idiot] grinning like [an idiot]913-an idiot as [I]2813-john delve back into the peanut butter . [I]2813-john hold [my]2813-john finger up . ‘ Would [sir]95-lusso like the right breast or the left breast ? ’[2813-john] [His]95-lusso face is truly torn as [he]95-lusso swings [his]95-lusso eyes from one breast to the other . ‘ [I]95-lusso do n’t have time to waste . Slap it on both . ’[95-lusso] [I]2813-john laugh , but follow through on [his]95-lusso urgent order , and [he]95-lusso ’s on [me]2813-john again before [I]2813-john ’ve barely removed [my]2813-john finger from the smothering of the first breast . ‘ Unravel [you]2813-john boxers , [God]306-jesse . ’[2813-john] [My]2813-john nose falls into [his]95-lusso hair as [he]95-lusso ravishes [me]2813-john and bites [my]2813-john nipple for [my]2813-john cheek . ‘ Ouch ! ’[95-lusso] ‘ Sarcasm , [lady]2813-john . ’[95-lusso] ‘ Tasty ? ’[95-lusso] ‘ [I]95-lusso ’m[95-lusso] never eating it any other way again , so now [you]2813-john do have to quit work because [I]2813-john need [you]2813-john to be available to lick when [I]2813-john please . ’ [He]95-lusso surfaces with a smear on [his]95-lusso nose , and [I]2813-john home right in to suck it off . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john thought [you]2813-john hated peanut butter ? ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john do , but [I]2813-john love [your]2813-john nose . ’ [I]2813-john kiss the end and resume [my]2813-john position . ‘[2813-john] Will [you]2813-john do something for [me]2813-john ? ’ [His]2258-he facial expression changes considerably . [He]2258-he ’s all wary again , but [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] not hiding anything this time , only a plea , which [he]2258-he ’ll soon hear . [He]2258-he relaxes a little and strokes up the sides of [my]2813-john body . ‘ What do [you]2813-john want , [baby]2813-john ? ’[2258-he] ‘ [I]2813-john want [you]2813-john to say yes before [I]2813-john ask . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john demand quietly and very unreasonably , but [we]2259-we ’ve broached this before , and [I]2813-john got nowhere . ‘ [You]2813-john ’ve been trying to butter [me]2258-he up . ’[2258-he] [His]2258-he lips tip at the edge , and [I]2813-john screw [my]2813-john face up in irritation , placing the jar beside [us]2259-we . ‘ That ’s a crap joke . ’[2813-john] ‘ Pick the jar back up , [lady]2813-john . ’[2258-he] [He]2258-he ’s not grinning anymore . ‘ [We]2259-we ’re[2258-he] not done yet . ’ [I]2258-he roll [my]2258-he eyes and re - dunk and re - smear . ‘[2258-he] Happy ? ’ ‘[2258-he] Ecstatic . ’ [My]2258-he nipple is clean in no time at all . ‘[2258-he] Now , tell [me]2813-john what [you]2813-john want . ’ ‘[2258-he] [You]2813-john have to say yes . ’ [I]536-ava press , with absolutely no faith in [my]536-ava strategy . Even if [he]2258-he does say yes , [he]2258-he ’ll soon retract it if [he]2258-he wants to . ‘[536-ava] [Ava]536-ava , ’ [he]2813-john sighs . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m not agreeing to anything without knowing what [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] agreeing to . End of . ’ [I]2813-john pout . ‘[2813-john] Please . ’ [I]2813-john drag the word out and slide [my]2813-john freshly coated finger into [his]2813-john mouth . ‘[2813-john] [You]2813-john ’re adorable when [you]2813-john sulk . ’[2813-john] [he]2813-john mumbles . ‘ Just tell [me]2813-john . ’[2813-john] ‘ [I]2813-john want [you]2813-john to revoke [Sam]2844-sam and [Kate]2774-kate ’s memberships to [The Manor]226-the manor . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john blurt it all out quickly and hold [my]2813-john breath . [I]2813-john ’m desperate for [Jesse]306-jesse to help [me]2813-john out here . [I]2813-john know [Sam]2844-sam and [Kate]2774-kate seem to have hit a significant point in [their]4064-they relationship , and [I]2813-john hope [they]4064-they talk , but without the temptation of [The Manor]226-the manor , [they]4064-they stand a far better chance . [I]2813-john brace [myself]2813-john for [his]2844-sam none of [our]4065-our business speech , but it does n’t come . Nothing comes , actually . [He]2844-sam does n’t scoff , and [he]2844-sam does n’t refuse . [He]2844-sam ’s just looking at [me]2813-john on a small smile . ‘[2813-john] Okay , ’ [he]2844-sam shrugs and dives into the jar with [his]2844-sam own finger , spreading it on [my]2813-john breast . ‘[2813-john] What ? ’ [I]2813-john know [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] displaying a look of complete confusion , which is absolutely fine because [I]2813-john ’m really confused . [I]2813-john did n’t even need to morph into temptress . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john said okay . ’ [He]2844-sam ’s on [my]2813-john breast again , while [my]2813-john eyes are looking down at the back of [his]2844-sam head . ‘[2813-john] It is ? ’ [I]2844-sam should be showing [my]2844-sam appreciation , not questioning [him]2844-sam on [his]2844-sam reasonableness . [His]2844-sam perfect smiling face appears in [my]2844-sam line of sight , and [his]2844-sam palms surround [my]2844-sam cheeks . ‘[2844-sam] [Sam]2844-sam already cancelled . ’ [I]2844-sam gasp . ‘[2844-sam] [I]2813-john thought [you]2260-you were finally doing as [you]2260-you ’re told . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john should ’ve known , but [my]2813-john disgruntled state does n’t detract from the happy knowledge that [they]2261-they will be pursuing a conventional relationship . [I]2813-john ’m delighted . [Jesse]306-jesse is standing and laying [us]4066-us back down on the sofa in an instant . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john always do as [I]2813-john ’m told . Come here . ’[2813-john] The jar is taken from [my]2813-john hand and placed on the floor beside the couch , and then [I]2813-john ’m pulled down to [his]2844-sam chest . ‘[2813-john] Snuggles . ’ [he]2844-sam exhales contentedly . [I]2813-john snort in disbelief before nuzzling [myself]2813-john right up into [his]2844-sam neck and resuming [my]2813-john usual skimming of [his]2844-sam scar with [my]2813-john fingertip . ‘[2813-john] Are [you]2260-you warm enough ? ’ [he]2844-sam asks , snaking [his]2844-sam legs with [mine]2813-john and completely engulfing [me]2813-john with [his]2844-sam strong arms . ‘[2813-john] Hmmm . ’ [I]2813-john sigh and close [my]2813-john eyes , relishing in every element of [his]2844-sam loveliness — [his]2844-sam scent , [his]2844-sam touch , [his]2844-sam heartbeat and [his]2844-sam body beneath [mine]2813-john . [I]2813-john love Central Jesse Cloud Nine more and more each time [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] here . Chapter 30 [My]2813-john sweet dreams are interrupted by coughing . [I]2813-john think it ’s coughing . It sounds like coughing , but neither [my]2813-john brain nor [my]2813-john body are ready to greet the day yet , so [I]2813-john dismiss the raspy choke and push [myself]2813-john further into the hardness underneath [me]2813-john . There it is again , and it ’s becoming hard to ignore . In fact , it ’s irritating the hell out of [me]2813-john . [Peeling]196-peeling one eye open , the first thing [I]2813-john see is [Jesse]306-jesse ’s serene beauty . [My]2813-john irritation subsides , and [I]2813-john reach up to catch a feel of day number three of no shaving . There ’s that cough again . [I]2813-john think nothing of turning to locate the source of the noise , exposing a full on frontal of nakedness to … [Cathy]1284-cathy . ‘ Oh shit ! ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john splatter [myself]2813-john back on [my]2813-john front against [Jesse]306-jesse ’s chest , the abrupt movement stirring [him]306-jesse . ‘ [Jesse]306-jesse ! ’[1284-cathy] [I]2813-john whisper , like [she]1284-cathy wo n’t hear [me]2813-john . ‘ [Jesse]306-jesse , wake up ! ’[306-jesse] [He]306-jesse ’s smiling before [his]306-jesse eyes open and [his]306-jesse wandering hands cup both [my]2813-john bum cheeks and squeeze in acknowledgment to [my]2813-john voice . ‘ If [I]1284-cathy open [my]1284-cathy eyes , [I]1284-cathy ’m[1284-cathy] going to see big chocolate , fuck [me]2813-john ones , are n’t [I]2813-john ? ’ [His]306-jesse voice is all deep and husky and coupled with those words would usually have [my]2813-john stomach clenching with sexual anticipation . But not this morning . ‘[2813-john] No , [you]2813-john ’re going to see [big , wide , disturbed ones]4067-big , wide , disturbed ones . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john whisper . ‘ Open [your]2813-john eyes . ’[306-jesse] [He]306-jesse does . [He]306-jesse reveals [his]306-jesse greens on a furrowed brow and looks over [my]2813-john shoulder when [I]2813-john cock [my]2813-john head . ‘ Oh , ’[2813-john] Now [his]306-jesse eyes are all wide and distressed . ‘ Morning , [Cathy]1284-cathy . ’[2813-john] ‘ [You]1284-cathy too love birds need to buy some pyjamas . ’[1284-cathy] [Cathy]1284-cathy ’s amused tone makes [me]2813-john cringe further . ‘ Or at least keep [your]1284-cathy underwear on . [I]1284-cathy ’ll be in [the kitchen]3044-the kitchen preparing breakfast . ’[1284-cathy] [I]2813-john hear [her]1284-cathy scurrying footsteps leaving [our]2262-our naked display , and [I]2813-john exhale in despair , dropping [my]2813-john head back onto [his]306-jesse chest . [He]306-jesse ’s chuckling . It ’s okay for [him]306-jesse , [I]2813-john ’m concealing [his]306-jesse modesty . ‘[306-jesse] Morning , [baby]306-jesse . ’ [He]306-jesse shifts [his]306-jesse legs so [they]4069-they spread and [my]306-jesse body falls between [them]4069-they . ‘[306-jesse] Let [me]2813-john see [your]306-jesse face . ’ ‘[306-jesse] No . it ’s bright red . ’ [I]306-jesse push it further into [his]306-jesse neck , like [my]306-jesse embarrassment might disappear if [I]306-jesse hide for long enough . ‘[306-jesse] [She]306-jesse ’s all bashful , ’ [He]306-jesse ’s grinning , [I]306-jesse know it and whilst [I]306-jesse ’d be happy to just consider [my]306-jesse suspicions , [he]306-jesse does n’t allow it and forces [me]306-jesse from [my]306-jesse nook so it ’s confirmed . [He]306-jesse ’s really grinning . ‘[306-jesse] Shall [we]2264-i get [you]306-jesse [upstairs]2927-upstairs ? ’ ‘[2264-i] Yes , ’ [I]2264-i grumble , knowing full well that time must be knocking on with [Cathy]1284-cathy ’s presence , but [I]2264-i ’m[2264-i] past caring these days . It ’s like [I]2813-john ’m trying to get [myself]2813-john sacked so [I]2813-john do n’t have to give [Jesse]306-jesse the satisfaction of quitting because [he]306-jesse demanded it . [I]2813-john sit up cautiously and check for [Cathy]1284-cathy ’s whereabouts , then laugh loudly when [Jesse]306-jesse sits up , too , popping [his]306-jesse head over the back of the couch to check . [He]306-jesse looks at [me]2813-john , eyebrows raised and slightly bemused by [my]2813-john little outburst . ‘[2813-john] What ’s tickled [you]306-jesse ? ’ ‘[306-jesse] [You]306-jesse look like [a meercat]2266-a meercat ! ’ [I]2266-a meercat giggle , falling back and completely exposing [myself]2266-a meercat . Through [my]2266-a meercat uncontrollable fit of chuckles , [I]2266-a meercat reach up to arrange [my]2266-a meercat bra over [my]2266-a meercat chest , because that ’s really going to save [my]2266-a meercat modesty when [I]2266-a meercat ’m[2266-a meercat] knicker - less . ‘ Wind [your]306-jesse neck in ! ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john laugh . [He]2813-john snorts a mixture of amusement and umbrage at [[his]2813-john hysterical wife]2267-his hysterical wife and gently pushes [my]2813-john body away to free [his]2813-john legs before standing and taking hold of [my]2813-john shaking body . [I]2813-john ’m tossed up onto [his]2813-john shoulder , still laughing and now with the glorious view of [his]2813-john solid arse as [he]2813-john strides towards [the stairs]3122-the stairs . ‘[2813-john] Where [I]2813-john ’m from , that means something entirely different . ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john slaps [my]2813-john arse . ‘ It is [you]2813-john who needs to be doing the winding . ’[2813-john] ‘ [I]2813-john know what it means . [I]2813-john was being ironic . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john run [my]2813-john palms over [his]2813-john back . ‘ And there will be no winding of necks here . ’[2813-john] ‘ [A man]448-a man can live in hope . ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john takes the stairs two at a time , but [I]2813-john do n’t jump and jolt all over [his]2813-john shoulder and [he]2813-john does n’t puff or pant . No , [he]2813-john flies up the back - lit onyx staircase like some sort of freakishly fit paratrooper . ‘ There . ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john places [me]2813-john on [my]2813-john feet and turns the shower on . ‘ In [you]2813-john get . ’[2813-john] ‘ [I]2813-john hope [you]2813-john ’re[2813-john] going to lock [your]2268-your office door now . ’ [I]306-jesse say as a mental image of [Cathy]1284-cathy ’s sweet , innocent face pops into [my]306-jesse mind ’s eye . [He]2813-john laughs . ‘[306-jesse] Only for [our]2269-our eyes , [baby]306-jesse . [I]2813-john have a key and [I]2813-john ’ve hidden one among the piles of lace in [your]2268-your underwear drawer . Okay ? ’ ‘[306-jesse] Okay . ’ [I]306-jesse agree . [I]306-jesse ’m[306-jesse] really late already , but that does n’t stop [me]2813-john from stepping forward and grasping [his]2813-john morning erection . [I]2813-john have no idea where it ’s come from so fast , but [I]2813-john ’m glad to see it . [He]2813-john flinches , and [I]536-ava smirk as [I]536-ava circle [my]536-ava thumb slowly , casually , keeping [my]536-ava eyes on the throbbing rod of flesh . ‘[536-ava] [Ava]536-ava , ’ [he]2813-john warns weakly , stepping back , but that just means [he]2813-john gets a full - on stroke of [my]536-ava hand down the length . [He]2813-john hisses and [his]2813-john palms lift to cover [his]2813-john face . [I]536-ava ’ve got [him]2813-john . [He]2813-john rubs [his]2813-john cheeks in a gesture that suggests it might restore some control . ‘[536-ava] If [I]2813-john do n’t take [you]536-ava now , [my]2813-john cock is going to be aching all day long . ’ ‘[2813-john] Take [me]2813-john . ’ [I]2813-john say quietly , remembering the words so well . [I]2813-john step forward to close the gap [he]2813-john ’s made , and [his]2813-john palms come down , [his]2813-john face full of recognition . ‘[2813-john] Oh , [I]2813-john will . ’ [he]2813-john replies , picking [me]2813-john up and placing [me]2813-john on the vanity unit . ‘[2813-john] [You]536-ava ca n’t escape now . ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john do n’t want to . ’ ‘[2813-john] Good . ’ [He]2813-john leans in and kisses [me]2813-john sweetly . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john like [your]536-ava dress . ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m not wearing one , so [we]4072-we ca n’t lose it . ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john smiling around [my]2813-john lips , and [I]2813-john open [my]2813-john eyes , finding bright green pools of sincere happiness . ‘ Fond memories ? ’[2813-john] [he]2813-john asks . ‘ Very . Can [you]536-ava pin [me]2813-john against the wall now ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ca n’t go to work with this relentless buzzing between [my]2813-john thighs . [He]2813-john needs to relieve [me]2813-john of the pressure that ’s building in [my]2813-john groin . [I]2813-john ’ve always found [him]2813-john irresistible , but this incessant need to constantly have [him]2813-john is taking [my]2813-john life over . [I]2813-john ’m late for work , [I]2813-john could n’t give a shit , and [I]2813-john know [he]2813-john wo n’t either . On the launch night of [Lusso]95-lusso , it was a jangling of the door handle that whipped [our]4073-our heads to the side in shock . This time it ’s [Cathy]1284-cathy ’s distressed shouting . [My]2813-john back straightens , and [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] snapped right out of [my]2813-john wanton condition . [Jesse]306-jesse has disappeared before [my]2813-john eyes and [I]2813-john ’m sitting in [the bathroom]2800-the bathroom , still on [the unit]3279-the unit , wondering what on [earth]1292-earth is going on . [I]2813-john quickly jump down and run into the walk - in - wardrobe , grabbing the first shirt that [I]2813-john can find , before sprinting over to the chest to retrieve some knickers , while shoving [my]2813-john arms in the sleeves . [I]2813-john button the shirt on [my]2813-john way , in too much of a hurry to hang about . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] halfway down [the stairs]3122-the stairs when the front door comes into view . [Jesse]306-jesse , in just [his]306-jesse white boxers , is removing [Cathy]1284-cathy from the doorway , where [she]1284-cathy ’s doing a good job of keeping whoever is on the other side out . ‘ [I]1284-cathy thought it was [Clive]90-clive , ’[1284-cathy] [she]1284-cathy wheezes , clearly exhausted from [her]1284-cathy battle . ‘ [Cathy]1284-cathy , [I]1284-cathy ’ll deal with it , ’[1284-cathy] [He]306-jesse places [her]1284-cathy to the side and gives [her]1284-cathy arm a reassuring rub as [she]1284-cathy straightens [her]1284-cathy apron and hair . ‘ Who the hell does [she]1284-cathy think [she]1284-cathy is ? ’[1284-cathy] [she]1284-cathy spits nastily . [I]2813-john ’ve never seen [Cathy]1284-cathy cross before . ‘ [Cathy]1284-cathy , ’[306-jesse] [Jesse]306-jesse placates [her]1284-cathy gently , ‘ Please , go and sort out some breakfast for [Ava]536-ava . ’[306-jesse] [He]306-jesse ’s whispering as [he]306-jesse effortlessly holds the door shut , like [he]306-jesse does n’t want [me]2813-john to hear [him]306-jesse , but the persistent banging from the other side is letting [him]306-jesse down . [I]2813-john look on as [Cathy]1284-cathy marches off , hissing and spitting to [herself]1284-cathy , and then [my]2813-john eyes fall on [Jesse]306-jesse as [I]2813-john land at the bottom of [the stairs]3122-the stairs . [He]306-jesse ’s spotted [me]2813-john , and the wary look all over [his]306-jesse face instantly has [me]2813-john on edge . ‘ What ’s going on ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ask . ‘ Nothing , [baby]306-jesse ’[306-jesse] [He]306-jesse tries to smile but fails miserably . [He]306-jesse ’s all jittery . It does n’t sit well . ‘ [Cathy]1284-cathy ’s making [your]536-ava breakfast . Go . ’[306-jesse] ‘ [I]306-jesse ’m[306-jesse] not hungry . ’ [I]536-ava reply flatly , staring [him]306-jesse down . ‘[536-ava] [Ava]536-ava , [you]536-ava did n’t eat last night . Go and have some breakfast . ’ [His]306-jesse tone is altering to impatient by the second and all the while , the banging continues . [I]2813-john ca n’t believe [he]306-jesse is being all concerned and honestly thinks that [his]306-jesse demand for [me]2813-john to eat is going to pull [me]2813-john away from the mystery behind the door . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john said [I]2813-john ’m not hungry . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john stand firm , [my]2813-john eyes burning red rings of furious fire into [his]306-jesse greens . [I]2813-john feel really mad . The door jolts , and [Jesse]306-jesse lets out a frustrated growl , [his]306-jesse jaw ticking wildly as [his]306-jesse looks up to the heavens for strength . [I]2813-john would like to think that it ’s the tenacious idiot hammering on the penthouse door who ’s causing [his]306-jesse mounting anger , but [I]2813-john know it ’s [me]2813-john . ‘ [Ava]536-ava , why the fuck ca n’t [you]2273-you do what [you]2273-you ’re[2813-john] told ? ’ [His]306-jesse head drops , and [I]2813-john know instantly [he]306-jesse means business . ‘[2813-john] Go . And . Get . [Your]2273-you . Breakfast . ’ [He]306-jesse speaks each word slowly and concisely , but [I]2273-you mean business , too . ‘[2273-you] No , ’ [I]2273-you steam forward , not in the least bit bothered by [my]2273-you half naked body , and grasp the door handle . ‘[2273-you] Let go . ’ [I]306-jesse pull , for what use it is , which is none at all . ‘[306-jesse] [Jesse]306-jesse , open the fucking door ! ’ ‘[306-jesse] Watch [your]2273-you … ’ ‘[306-jesse] Fuck off ! ’ [I]536-ava snap , yanking at the door like [a deranged , hormone pumped pregnant woman]4078-a deranged , hormone pumped pregnant woman . ‘[536-ava] [Ava]536-ava ! ’ [He]536-ava holds it in place as [I]536-ava fight pointlessly to pull it open . [I]536-ava ’ll never win , but [I]536-ava ’m[536-ava] not backing down . No way . But then [we]2274-we both freeze in place when a voice interrupts [our]2274-we spitting match , and it ’s neither of [ours]2274-we . If [I]2813-john was a little cranky before , [I]2813-john ’ve just been catapulted into the realms of psychotic . There will be no need for [him]306-jesse to open this door because at any moment , [I]2813-john ’m going to be flying around [this apartment]4079-this apartment like [the Tasmanian Devil [himself]306-jesse]4080-the tasmanian devil himself , and [I]2275-she ’ll smash it down . [I]2275-she look up at [him]306-jesse with clenched teeth . [He]306-jesse visibly sags . ‘[2275-she] What the hell is [she]2275-she doing here ? ’ [I]2275-she use [his]306-jesse lapse in concentration and [his]306-jesse defeated hold to [my]2275-she advantage and pull the door open , coming face to face with [Coral]1009-coral . ‘[2275-she] What the hell are [you]2276-you doing here ? ’ [I]2813-john hiss , looking [her]2275-she up and down in utter contempt . [Her]2275-she hair is tied up today , [her]2275-she short black bob giving [her]2275-she a pathetic excuse for a ponytail , such a bitchy thought , but it ’s going to be the first of many . [I]2813-john can feel it , and [they]4081-they might not just be thoughts . [She]2275-she blanks [me]2813-john completely and looks straight at [my]2813-john bare chested [God]306-jesse . Why the hell did n’t [he]306-jesse put some jeans and a t - shirt on ? ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john need to speak to [you]2276-you . ’ [She]2275-she sounds determined . ‘[2813-john] Alone . ’ [she]2275-she adds , flicking an impertinent look at [me]2813-john . [Her]2275-she fortitude will be of zero help . [She]2275-she ’ll have to rip [him]306-jesse from [my]2813-john dying hands before [I]2813-john leave [them]4081-they alone . ‘[2813-john] [You]2276-you ’ve got more chance of having tea with [the Queen]2277-the queen , ’ [I]2276-you snarl . [My]2276-you fury is building by the second , and [I]2276-you absolutely can not control it . ‘[2276-you] What do [you]2276-you want ? ’ [I]2276-you feel [Jesse]306-jesse ’s hand rest lightly on the small of [my]2276-you shirt covered back . It ’s a silent demand to calm [myself]2276-you down . It ’ll never work . The more [I]2276-you look at this impudent hussy , the angrier [I]2276-you ’m[2276-you] getting , if that ’s possible . [I]2813-john feel like a pressure cooker , set to explode . ‘ [I]2813-john asked [you]2276-you a question . ’[2813-john] ‘ [Ava]536-ava , ’[306-jesse] [Jesse]306-jesse ’s calming voice just infuriates [me]2813-john further . ‘ Calm [yourself]2276-you down , [baby]536-ava . ’[306-jesse] [His]306-jesse palm slides around to [my]2813-john front to hold [my]2813-john tummy . [He]306-jesse ’s worried about [my]2813-john blood pressure , [the anxious fool]306-jesse . [My]2813-john blood pressure should be the least of [his]306-jesse worries . Blood spilt , that ’s what [he]306-jesse should be concerned about . ‘ [I]306-jesse ’m[306-jesse] calm , ’ [I]306-jesse ’m[306-jesse] clearly not . ‘ [I]2813-john wo n’t ask [you]2813-john again . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john push [Jesse]306-jesse ’s hand away from [my]2813-john stomach , but [he]306-jesse does n’t let [me]2813-john get away with it . [He]306-jesse pulls [me]2813-john back so [I]2813-john ’m slightly behind [him]306-jesse , and then holds [his]306-jesse arm out to the side in silent warning . It wo n’t work , but [he]306-jesse starts speaking before [I]1009-coral can wrestle [his]306-jesse arm out of [my]1009-coral way . ‘[1009-coral] [Coral]1009-coral , [I]2813-john ’ve told [you]2813-john before . It ’s never going to happen . ’ [His]306-jesse tone is tinged with anger , but after [my]2813-john little performance , [I]2813-john ca n’t be sure if it ’s for [my]2813-john benefit or [Coral]1009-coral ’s . ‘[2813-john] [You]2813-john need to fuck off and find [someone else to stalk]2278-someone else to stalk . ’ [I]306-jesse ’m[306-jesse] mentally cheering [him]306-jesse on , even though [I]2813-john ’m sure that [I]1009-coral ’m[1009-coral] in for it when [she]1009-coral concedes and clears off . [I]2813-john must look ridiculous in [Jesse]306-jesse ’s shirt , [my]2813-john hair a wild mass of chocolate waves , yesterday ’s make - up on and being held back by [[my]2813-john virtually naked husband]2279-my virtually naked husband . [Coral]1009-coral ’s eyes cross from [Jesse]306-jesse ’s to [mine]2813-john a few times before [she]1009-coral settles [her]1009-coral smug stare on [[my]2813-john God]2944-my god again . [I]2813-john do n’t like that look . It ’s bold , and [I]2813-john ’m sure [her]1009-coral next words will be , too . [She]1009-coral ’s going nowhere until [she]1009-coral ’s said what [she]1009-coral came to say , and [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] annoyingly curious of what that is exactly . ‘ Have it [your]4082-your way . ’[1009-coral] [She]1009-coral shrugs nonchalantly and holds a piece of paper out to [Jesse]306-jesse . ‘ What the fuck is that ? ’[306-jesse] [he]306-jesse barks intolerantly . ‘ Take a look for [yourself]4082-your . ’[306-jesse] [She]1009-coral flaps the paper , encouraging [Jesse]306-jesse to take it . [I]2813-john ca n’t help it ; [my]2813-john neck is craning to try and see for [myself]2813-john , but [his]306-jesse arm pushes [me]2813-john back again . [He]306-jesse snatches it , and [I]2813-john watch as [his]306-jesse head drops to look , then [I]2813-john look at [Coral]1009-coral , who is performing the best sly smirk [I]2813-john have ever had the pleasure of witnessing . What ’s [her]1009-coral game ? [My]2813-john eyes are on [Jesse]306-jesse ’s back , which is stiff as a board , [his]306-jesse muscles protruding , indicating [his]306-jesse tension . [I]2813-john want to know what [he]306-jesse ’s holding , and [I]2813-john want to know what has put that slap worthy sneer on [Coral]1009-coral ’s face , but at the same time , [I]2813-john really do n’t . ‘ What is it ? ’[2813-john] The question [I]2813-john do n’t want to ask just slips right out . But [he]306-jesse does n’t answer . [Coral]1009-coral does , though . ‘ That is a scan picture of [[his]306-jesse baby]3023-his baby . ’[1009-coral] [I]2813-john know [I]2813-john stagger back , and [I]2813-john know [he]306-jesse has turned to steady [me]2813-john , but everything is a blur . ‘ Fucking hell . ’[306-jesse] [His]306-jesse worried voice is nothing but a drowned out rush of noise , and [I]2813-john know it ’s because all of the blood is draining from [my]2813-john head . [I]2813-john feel dizzy . ‘ Shit , [Ava]536-ava . ’[2813-john] [My]2813-john feet disappear from under [me]2813-john , but [I]2813-john do n’t hit the floor . [I]2813-john ’ve not passed out . [I]2813-john ’ve been scooped up , and in a split second , [I]2813-john ’m sitting on the couch with [my]306-jesse head being pushed between [my]306-jesse legs . ‘[306-jesse] Breathe , [baby]306-jesse . Just breathe . ’ [His]306-jesse palm is on [my]306-jesse head , rubbing soothing , fast , anxious circles . ‘[306-jesse] What the fuck are [you]2282-you playing at ? ’ [he]306-jesse yells away from [me]2282-you . ‘[2282-you] [[You]2282-you stupid fucking woman]2283-you stupid fucking woman ! [I]2813-john ’ve not slept with [you]2283-you stupid fucking woman for months ! ’ ‘[2813-john] Four months , and [I]2813-john ’m four months gone . ’[2283-you stupid fucking woman] [She]2283-you stupid fucking woman answers quickly and proudly . ‘ Do the math . ’[2283-you stupid fucking woman] [I]2813-john know that cunning face will be there , but [I]2813-john ca n’t look at [her]2283-you stupid fucking woman because [I]2813-john ’ll want to dive right on [her]2283-you stupid fucking woman . [I]2813-john need to get [my]2813-john breathing under control because the rush is still whirring and the black is starting to set in . [I]2813-john ’ll fall flat on [my]2813-john face if [I]2813-john stand . ‘ [You]2282-you ca n’t be . [Jesse]306-jesse snaps anxiously , sounding far too unsure . ‘[2813-john] Fuck ! ’ This is it . [That baby]4084-that baby will be born before either of [mine]2813-john and knowing [Jesse]306-jesse ’s desperation for [a child]1251-a child , [he]306-jesse ’ll take the first one [he]306-jesse can lay [his]306-jesse hands on . [He]306-jesse ’ll leave [me]2813-john . [I]2813-john ’ll be alone with [two screaming babies]1517-my babies and no help . [[My]2813-john babies]1517-my babies with [[me]2813-john father]4087-me father - less . [Who]197-who ’s going to rub [my]2813-john feet when [they]1517-my babies ’re[2813-john] swollen ? Who ’s going to love [me]2813-john in lace when [I]2813-john ’m covered in stretch marks ? Who ’s going to make [me]2813-john eat when [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] not hungry and feed [me]2813-john folic acid and lick peanut butter from [my]2813-john breasts and paint [my]2813-john toenails when [I]2813-john ca n’t reach them ? [I]2813-john start to choke on panic , but then [my]2813-john eyes fall onto the little piece of paper that [Jesse]306-jesse has dropped to the floor in favour of tending to [me]2813-john . [He]306-jesse did n’t look at that picture like [he]306-jesse did of [[our]2284-our babies]3539-our babies ’ picture . [He]306-jesse did n’t drop to [his]306-jesse knees or grab [Coral]1009-coral to hug [her]1009-coral . What it wrong with [me]306-jesse ? [I]306-jesse feel like a mixed bag of over exaggerated emotions . [I]306-jesse ’m[306-jesse] everywhere . [I]2813-john stoop and pick up the black and white scan picture . [I]2813-john ’m being watched , by both of [them]3539-our babies , but [I]536-ava take [my]536-ava time , firstly noting [Coral]1009-coral ’s name . This is definitely [hers]1009-coral . But what is n’t on this scan picture is a date . Neither is there an estimated gestation . [I]536-ava study the picture more closely . ‘[536-ava] [Ava]536-ava , what are [you]536-ava doing ? ’ [Jesse]306-jesse asks , trying to get [me]536-ava in [his]306-jesse field of vision , but [I]536-ava ignore [him]306-jesse . ‘[536-ava] Yes , what are [you]536-ava doing ? ’ [Coral]1009-coral hisses . [I]2813-john point at the picture . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m just trying to figure out whether [you]536-ava ’re[2813-john] four or five weeks pregnant . ’ [I]2813-john muse , keeping [my]2813-john eyes on the picture . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m guessing just four . ’[2813-john] ‘ [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] four months . Not weeks . ’ ‘[536-ava] No [you]536-ava ’re not . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john look up at [Jesse]306-jesse . [He]306-jesse ’s holding [his]306-jesse breath . ‘ When was the last time [you]536-ava slept with [her]1009-coral ? ’[306-jesse] ‘ Four , five months . ’[306-jesse] [He]306-jesse shakes [his]306-jesse head , [his]306-jesse frown line doing a worried dance across [his]306-jesse forehead . ‘ [Ava]536-ava , [I]306-jesse ca n’t think that far back . [I]306-jesse did n’t exist before [you]536-ava . ’[306-jesse] [His]306-jesse hands rest on the tops of [my]2813-john thighs and squeeze . ‘ [I]306-jesse always used a condom , [you]536-ava know that . ’[306-jesse] ‘ [I]2813-john know . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john agree , but there is one other possibility and it kills [me]2813-john to ask , especially in front of this interloper . [I]2813-john clench [my]2813-john eyes shut . ‘ Was [she]4088-she one of the … ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john swallow around [my]2813-john words . ‘ Did [you]536-ava … ’[306-jesse] [He]306-jesse stops [me]2813-john from [my]2813-john struggling . ‘ No , ’[306-jesse] [He]306-jesse says the word softly and secures the nape of [my]2813-john neck in [his]306-jesse palm . ‘ Look at [me]306-jesse . ’[306-jesse] [he]306-jesse demands , just as softly , and [I]2813-john do . [I]2813-john lock eyes with [him]306-jesse and [he]306-jesse shakes [his]306-jesse head , only very faintly . ‘ No . ’[306-jesse] [he]306-jesse repeats . [I]2813-john nod on a quiet exhale and offer a small smile of trust . There is no need for a confession because [he]306-jesse has nothing to confess . [Our]2286-our quiet exchange of understanding almost makes [me]2813-john forget that [Coral]1009-coral is standing nearby . ‘ [You]2289-you ’re[1009-coral] going to stay with [him]306-jesse when [he]306-jesse ’s having [a baby]306-jesse with [another woman]864-another woman ? ’ [she]864-another woman asks on a laugh . ‘[864-another woman] Where ’s [your]2289-you self - respect ? ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m going to trample now . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john tell [him]306-jesse quietly , looking for [his]306-jesse permission this time . [He]306-jesse smiles and drops an accepting kiss on [my]2813-john cheek . ‘ Knock [yourself]2289-you out , [baby]306-jesse . But please , let ’s just make this one a verbal trample . ’[306-jesse] [He]306-jesse nods at [my]2813-john tummy , and then turns a contemptuous look onto the brazen slut , but [he]306-jesse does n’t say anything . [He]306-jesse ’s leaving this one to [me]2813-john . ‘ What are [you]2813-john two talking about ? ’[306-jesse] [Her]2290-her smugness is disintegrating by the second . [She]2290-her has no idea what to make of this . [I]2813-john join [Jesse]306-jesse in [his]306-jesse standing position and look up to [him]306-jesse . ‘ Get [me]2813-john [your]2813-john picture . ’[2813-john] [My]2813-john question pulls [his]306-jesse condemning eyes from [Coral]1009-coral , down to [me]2813-john . [He]306-jesse ’s looks at [me]2813-john all gone out . ‘ What picture ? ’[306-jesse] [I]2813-john roll [my]2813-john eyes . ‘ The one that [you]2813-john carry everywhere . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] not stupid . Where is it ? ’ ‘[2813-john] In [my]2813-john suit jacket . ’ [he]306-jesse admits sheepishly . ‘[2813-john] Go and get it . ’ ‘[2813-john] No , [I]2813-john ’m not leaving [you]2813-john with [her]1009-coral . ’[306-jesse] [He]306-jesse does n’t even grace [her]1009-coral with a look this time . ‘ [Her]1009-coral ? ’[1009-coral] [Coral]1009-coral blurts incredulously . ‘ Is that the way [you]2292-you ’re[1009-coral] going to speak to [the mother of [[your]2292-you child]2293-your child]2291-the mother of your child ? ’ [He]306-jesse swings around violently . ‘[2292-you] [You]2292-you are not [the fucking mother of [[my]2813-john child]2293-your child]2291-the mother of your child , [you]2292-you deluded freak ! ’ [His]306-jesse anger is building again . [I]306-jesse need to remedy this once and for all . [I]306-jesse leave [them]4089-them and head straight to [[Jesse]306-jesse ’s office]455-jesse ’s office , finding [his]306-jesse suit jacket where [he]306-jesse discarded it last night . [I]306-jesse root quickly through [his]306-jesse pockets , finding a neatly folded wedge of notes and [his]306-jesse phone before locating the picture from [his]306-jesse inside pocket . It ’s a little worn ; no doubt from being transferred from pocket to pocket . [I]306-jesse exit hastily armed with exhibit B and find the distance between [Jesse]306-jesse and [Coral]1009-coral has closed . [Jesse]306-jesse is still in the same location , but [Coral]1009-coral is moving forward . ‘[306-jesse] [We]2294-we had something special , [Jesse]306-jesse . ’ [She]1009-coral goes to touch [him]306-jesse , but [he]306-jesse yanks [his]306-jesse arms away . ‘[306-jesse] Special ? ’ [he]306-jesse laughs . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john screwed [you]2295-you for a while . [I]2813-john fucked [you]2295-you and then kicked [you]2295-you out . How the fuck is that special ? ’ ‘[2295-you] [You]2295-you came back for more . That has to mean something . ’ [Her]1009-coral tone is hopeful . [She]1009-coral really is deluded . ‘[2295-you] [You]2295-you made [me]2813-john need [you]2295-you . ’ Those words prickle at [my]2295-you skin . [I]2295-you want to interrupt , but [I]2295-you want to hear how [he]2295-you responds to that . ‘[2295-you] No , [you]2295-you made [yourself]2295-you need [me]2813-john . [I]2813-john barely even spoke to [you]2295-you when [I]2813-john was screwing [you]2295-you . [You]2295-you were a piece of meat that was handy to have on call . ’ [He]2295-you moves in and leans down , making [her]1009-coral pull back slightly . [Jesse]306-jesse ’s tone is full of venom , and intended to be . [He]2295-you ’s doing a damn good job at trampling all over [her]1009-coral [himself]2295-you . ‘[2295-you] [You]2295-you ’re just like the rest of [them]4091-them , but even more desperate . Get a good seeing to and [you]2295-you think [your]2295-you life depends on it . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john almost laugh . [My]2813-john life really does depend on it , even more now [I]2813-john ’m a raging bag of pregnant hormones . [Jesse]306-jesse looks [her]1009-coral up and down , and [I]2813-john get the glimpse of [the conceited man who treated [women like objects for so long - the man who drank , fucked and threw them]4092-the conceited man who treated women like objects for so long - the man who drank , fucked and threw them out out]4092-the conceited man who treated women like objects for so long - the man who drank , fucked and threw them out . ‘[2813-john] What the hell makes [you]2295-you think that [I]2813-john ’d leave [[my]2813-john wife]2849-my wife for [you]2295-you ? ’ ‘[2813-john] Because [I]2813-john ’m having [[your]2295-you baby]4093-your baby . ’[2813-john] The smugness has fallen away completely now . [She]2849-my wife knows [she]2849-my wife ’s losing the battle . ‘ [You]4093-your baby ’re[2849-my wife] lying . ’ [he]2297-he retorts , but there is definitely an element of uncertainty in [his]2297-he tone . ‘[2849-my wife] [She]2849-my wife is lying . ’ [I]2849-my wife interject , uncomfortable with seeing [Jesse]306-jesse so close to [her]2849-my wife , even if [he]2297-he is snarling in [her]2849-my wife face , and [I]2849-my wife ’m[2849-my wife] really not comfortable with [him]2297-he being so concerned by something [he]2297-he should have no concern for . ‘ [I]2849-my wife ’m[2849-my wife] not . [You]2295-you have the proof there . ’ [She]2849-my wife points at the picture in [my]2295-you hand . ‘[2295-you] Yes , [I]2813-john do . ’ [I]2813-john turn it around and push it in [her]2849-my wife face . ‘[2813-john] This is a six week scan picture . ’ [She]2849-my wife frowns ‘[2813-john] No , it ’s a four month scan picture . ’ ‘[2813-john] This is n’t [[your]2295-you baby]3632-babies , [Coral]1009-coral . ’ ‘[1009-coral] Whose is it then ? ’ [she]2849-my wife asks slowly . [She]2849-my wife ’s beginning to catch [my]3632-babies drift . ‘[3632-babies] This is [[my]2813-john baby]3632-babies . ’ [I]306-jesse look at the tatty piece of paper fondly . ‘[306-jesse] And [Jesse]306-jesse ’s . ’ ‘[306-jesse] What ? ’ ‘[3632-babies] Well , [I]2813-john say [baby]3632-babies . What [I]2813-john actually meant was [babies]3632-babies . [You]2299-you see , [we]2300-we ’re having [twins]3535-twins , and [I]2299-you know [you]2299-you ’re[2299-you] trying to pull a fast one because this really is a six week scan picture . And there are two peanuts here , smaller than [your]2299-you one blob , [I]2813-john know , but [I]2813-john can get a feel for it . [I]2813-john do n’t know . Maybe it ’s motherly instinct . ’ [I]2813-john shrug . ‘[2813-john] Is that all ? ’ [Her]2301-her mouth is slightly agape and whilst [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] still reeling on the inside , [I]2813-john am beyond proud of [myself]2813-john for maintaining [my]2813-john composure . [Jesse]306-jesse is right . [I]2813-john ca n’t go rolling around on the floor , as much as [I]2813-john ’d love to rip [her]2301-her hair out . ‘ Unless [you]2299-you can miraculously produce this missing strip that ’ll confirm [your]2299-you dates , [I]2813-john think [we]4095-we ’re[2813-john] done ? ’ [I]2813-john give [her]2301-her an expectant look , but [she]2301-her ’s saying nothing . [I]2813-john throw [her]2301-her picture into the space between [us]4095-we . ‘[2813-john] Now fuck off and go find [the real father of [[your]2303-he spawn]2304-your spawn]2302-the real father of your spawn . ’ [I]2813-john do n’t remove [my]2813-john eyes from [her]2301-her and [I]2813-john wo n’t until that door is shut and [she]2301-her is firmly behind it . ‘[2813-john] Are [you]2303-he leaving , or do [I]2813-john have to drag [you]2303-he out ? ’ [I]2303-he ask , stepping forward . [She]2301-her bends and picks [her]2301-her picture up before backing out of the door , [her]2301-her eyes flicking nervously from [Jesse]306-jesse to [[his]306-jesse deranged , pregnant wife]306-jesse , and as soon as [her]2301-her body is over the threshold of the penthouse door , [I]2303-he slam it in [her]2301-her face , then turn to look at [[my]2303-he ex - whore of [a husband]3138-a husband]4096-my ex - whore of a husband . [He]2303-he ’s chomping nervously on that bottom lip and maybe [I]2303-he should n’t be , but [I]2303-he ’m[2303-he] mad with [him]2303-he , too . [I]2813-john steam past [him]2303-he and up [the stairs]3122-the stairs , finding the shower still flowing when [I]2813-john arrive back in [the en - suite]2017-the en - suite . Stripping down , [I]2813-john scrub [my]2813-john teeth , then step in and make no rush to get done quickly . [I]2813-john ’ve been up for less than half an hour , and [I]2813-john already feel like it should be the end of [my]2813-john day . [My]2813-john eyes are closed as [I]2813-john rinse [my]2813-john hair , but [I]2813-john can feel [him]2303-he behind [me]2813-john . [He]2303-he ’s not touching [me]2813-john , but [I]2813-john know [he]2303-he ’s there . And [he]2303-he ’s all worried . [I]2813-john can sense the anxious vibes shooting into [my]2813-john wet back . The evidence of [his]2303-he uncertainty at [Coral]1009-coral ’s claim just reinforces [my]2813-john concern . Have [I]2813-john now got to add potential baby mommas to [my]2813-john list of things that could cause [us]2307-we issues ? [We]2307-we ’ve been back from [Paradise]41-paradise for just two days , and [I]2813-john ’m mentally exhausted already . A life of peace and comfort . That ’s what [I]2813-john want and need , and every time [I]2813-john think [we]2307-we ’re[2813-john] close to exactly that , something jumps up and obliterates it . The familiar feel of the natural sponge connects with [my]2813-john back , as does [his]2303-he palm with [my]2813-john tummy . [He]2303-he ’s cautious , and [he]2303-he should be . The only thing that sends [me]2813-john loopy is [him]2303-he and [his]2303-he sordid history with [women]253-women . ‘ [Jesse]306-jesse , [I]2303-he ’m[2303-he] not in the mood . ’ [I]2813-john step away from [him]2303-he and finish rinsing [my]2813-john hair . [He]2303-he does n’t know what to do , so as usual when [he]2303-he finds [himself]2303-he in this situation , [he]2303-he tries to win [me]2813-john back over with [his]2303-he touch . [I]2813-john expect to hear a snort of disbelief or even a scorn for denying [him]2303-he , but [I]2813-john do n’t . [I]2813-john do , however , feel [his]2303-he hand slide back around [my]2813-john stomach . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john said [I]2813-john ’m not in the mood . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john snap harshly , shrugging [him]2813-john off and grabbing a towel to dry [myself]2813-john . ‘ [You]2813-john promised [you]2813-john ’d never say that . ’[2813-john] [he]2813-john murmurs sullenly . Securing [myself]2813-john in the towel , [I]2813-john glance up and see [him]2813-john standing under the pounding water with [his]2813-john hands hanging limply by [his]2813-john sides . ‘ [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] late . ’ [I]2813-john leave [him]2813-john with trepidation written all over [his]2813-john face to get [myself]2813-john ready for work . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] just about to exit [the bedroom]663-the bedroom when [he]2813-john appears , all dopey eyed and sad . ‘ [Baby]88-baby , [my]2813-john heart ’s splitting . [I]2813-john hate fighting with [you]88-baby . ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john makes no attempt to close the distance between [us]2310-we . ‘ [We]2310-we ’re[2813-john] not fighting , ’ [I]2813-john brush of [his]2813-john solemnness . ‘[2813-john] [You]2311-you need to get the code on [the elevator]604-the elevator changed . And find out how [she]2313-she got up [here]2799-here , too . ’ [I]2313-she walk out , but barely make it to the top of [the stairs]3122-the stairs before the warmth of [his]2813-john palm is around [my]2313-she wrist , stopping [me]2313-she from going anywhere . ‘[2313-she] [I]2813-john will , but [we]2310-we need to make [friends]390-friends . ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m dressed . [We]2310-we are not making [friends]390-friends now . ’[2813-john] ‘ Not properly , no . But do n’t make [me]2813-john spend all day knowing that [you]2813-john ’re[2813-john] not talking to [me]2813-john . ’ [He]2813-john drops to [his]2813-john knees in front of [me]2813-john and looks up . ‘[2813-john] The days are long enough already . ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john am talking to [you]2813-john . ’ [I]2813-john mutter . ‘[2813-john] Then why are [you]2813-john sulking ? ’ [I]2813-john sigh . ‘[2813-john] Because [a woman]3150-a woman has just invaded [[our]2310-we home]2317-our home and tried to stake a claim on [you]2813-john , [Jesse]306-jesse . That is why [I]2813-john ’m sulking . ’[2813-john] ‘ Come here . ’[306-jesse] [He]306-jesse pulls [me]2813-john down and wraps [me]2813-john in [his]306-jesse arms . ‘ [I]306-jesse love it when [you]2813-john trample . ’[306-jesse] ‘ It ’s tiring . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john mumble into [his]306-jesse chest . ‘ [I]2813-john really need to go . ’[2813-john] ‘ Okay , ’[306-jesse] [he]306-jesse kisses [my]2813-john hair and pulls back , securing [my]2813-john cheeks in [his]306-jesse hold . ‘ Tell [me]390-friends [we]390-friends ’re[390-friends] [friends]390-friends . ’ ‘[390-friends] [We]390-friends ’re [friends]390-friends . ’[306-jesse] [He]306-jesse blasts [my]2813-john moodiness with [his]306-jesse smile — [my]2813-john smile . ‘ [Good girl]566-good girl . [We]390-friends ’ll make [friends]390-friends properly later . Go get [your]566-good girl breakfast . [I]306-jesse ’ll be two minutes . ’[306-jesse] ‘ [I]2813-john need to go . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john remind [him]306-jesse , glancing down at [my]2813-john Rolex . ‘ It ’s eight thirty already . ’[2813-john] ‘ Two minutes . ’[306-jesse] [he]306-jesse repeats , returning [me]2813-john to standing . ‘ [You]566-good girl ’ll wait for [me]306-jesse . ’[306-jesse] ‘ Hurry up then ! ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john push [him]306-jesse away and [he]306-jesse starts jogging backwards with [his]306-jesse contented grin in place . [He]306-jesse ’s all happy and roguish again . [I]2813-john find [Cathy]1284-cathy in [the kitchen]3044-the kitchen wrapping a bagel and still muttering under [her]1284-cathy breath . [She]1284-cathy soon stops when [my]2813-john presence is noted . ‘ [Ava]536-ava , ’[1284-cathy] [She]1284-cathy scurries over , wiping [her]1284-cathy hands down [her]1284-cathy apron . ‘ [I]1284-cathy tried to stop the vindictive little minx ! ’[1284-cathy] Something tells [me]2813-john [Cathy]1284-cathy has had an encounter with [Coral]1009-coral before . ‘ Do n’t worry , [Cathy]1284-cathy . ’[1284-cathy] [I]2813-john smile and give [her]1284-cathy a rub of [her]1284-cathy arm . ‘ [You]1284-cathy know [her]1284-cathy , then ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john press lightly . ‘ Oh , [I]1284-cathy know [her]1284-cathy , and [I]1284-cathy do n’t like [her]1284-cathy . ’[1284-cathy] [She]1284-cathy starts muttering again as [she]1284-cathy returns to [the island]903-the island to finish wrapping [my]2813-john breakfast . ‘ [She]1284-cathy ’s been turning up for months , pestering [[my]2813-john boy]956-my boy and claiming poverty . [I]2813-john told [her]1284-cathy . [I]2813-john said , look here , [you]956-my boy conniving [little tramp]4101-little tramp . Leave [[my]2813-john boy]956-my boy alone and try fixing [your]956-my boy marriage . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john smile as [I]2813-john watch [her]1284-cathy aggressive hand movements , virtually bashing away at [my]2813-john bagel . ‘ [I]1284-cathy do n’t know how many times [[my]1284-cathy boy]956-my boy has sent [her]1284-cathy packing . Hell hath no fury like [a woman]3150-a woman scorned . ’[1284-cathy] [She]1284-cathy looks up at [me]2813-john . ‘ Have [you]1284-cathy taken [your]1284-cathy folic acid ? ’[1284-cathy] ‘ No , ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john walk to the fridge and collect a bottle of water before taking the pills that [Cathy]1284-cathy hands [me]2813-john , followed by a ginger biscuit . ’ Thank [you]1284-cathy . ’[1284-cathy] ‘ [You]1284-cathy ’re[1284-cathy] welcome , [dear]1284-cathy . ’ [Her]1284-cathy wrinkled face grins . ‘[1284-cathy] [You]1284-cathy certainly put [her]1284-cathy in [her]1284-cathy place . ’ [She]1284-cathy laughs and retrieves [my]1284-cathy bagel , and then stuffs it in [my]1284-cathy bag . ‘[1284-cathy] [You]1284-cathy eat that , [I]2813-john mean it . ’ ‘[1284-cathy] [You]1284-cathy sound like [Jesse]306-jesse . ’ [I]306-jesse down [my]306-jesse pills . ‘[306-jesse] [He]306-jesse cares , [Ava]536-ava . Do n’t condemn [him]306-jesse for that , ’ [she]1284-cathy scolds [me]306-jesse lightly , looking over [my]306-jesse shoulder . ‘[306-jesse] Here [he]306-jesse is , and [he]306-jesse ’s dressed ! ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m dressed . ’[306-jesse] [He]306-jesse laughs , straightening [his]306-jesse tie . ‘ As is [[my]306-jesse beautiful wife]536-ava . ’[306-jesse] [I]2813-john roll [my]2813-john eyes , but [I]2813-john do n’t feel embarrassed at all . [She]2322-she ’s seen it all before , and [Coral]1009-coral ’s visit has taken the edge off any mortification . ‘ Can [I]306-jesse go to work now ? ’[306-jesse] [He]306-jesse pulls [his]306-jesse collar down and rubs [his]306-jesse three days ’ worth of stubble . Two minutes did n’t give [him]306-jesse time to shave . ‘[306-jesse] Have [you]2323-you taken [your]2323-you folic acid ? ’ ‘[306-jesse] Yes , ’ [I]306-jesse groan . ‘[306-jesse] Have [you]2323-you had [your]2323-you breakfast ? ’ [I]2323-you tap the side of [my]2323-you bag . ‘[2323-you] [You]2323-you better eat that . ’ [he]1285-the new boy warns , taking [my]2323-you hand . ‘[2323-you] Say goodbye to [Cathy]1284-cathy . ’ ‘[1284-cathy] Bye , [Cathy]1284-cathy ! ’ ‘[1284-cathy] Bye , [dear]1284-cathy . Bye , [[my]2813-john boy]1285-the new boy ! ’ [I]1285-the new boy ’m[1285-the new boy] a little wary when [we]2325-we leave [the penthouse]3011-the penthouse , and even more wary when [we]2325-we step out of [the elevator]598-the foyer of lusso , into [the foyer of [Lusso]95-lusso]598-the foyer of lusso , but [she]1284-cathy ’s nowhere to be seen . [I]2813-john wince when [I]2813-john see [Clive]90-clive at the concierge desk , knowing [he]90-clive ’s about to cop it in a big way . ‘ Morning , [Ava]536-ava . [Mr Ward]306-jesse . ’[1285-the new boy] [The old boy]1285-the new boy ’s cheerfulness is going to be short lived once [Jesse]306-jesse lets loose . ‘ [Clive]90-clive , ’[306-jesse] [Jesse]306-jesse begins . ‘ How the hell did [a woman]3150-a woman make it past [you]90-clive and up to [the penthouse]3011-the penthouse ? ’[306-jesse] The confusion on [Clive]90-clive ’s face is clear . ‘ [Mr Ward]306-jesse , [I]306-jesse ’ve just come on shift . ’[306-jesse] ‘ Just ? ’[90-clive] ‘ Yes , [I]90-clive relieved [the new boy]1285-the new boy … ’[90-clive] [he]90-clive glances down at [his]90-clive watch . ‘ only ten minutes ago . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john cringe further . It ’s [Casey]95-lusso who ’ll be copping it . [My]2813-john sympathy for the new concierge increases . Chancing a peek at [[my]2813-john man]1227-my man , [I]2813-john note a look of pure irritation . [Casey]95-lusso might do well never to return . ‘ When ’s [he]95-lusso back on shift ? ’[306-jesse] [Jesse]306-jesse asks shortly . ‘ [I]90-clive finish at four . ’[90-clive] [Clive]90-clive confirms . ‘ Did [he]95-lusso do something wrong , [Mr Ward]306-jesse ? [I]2813-john have advised [him]95-lusso of protocol . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m pulled towards the sunlight outside . ‘[2813-john] For what fucking use it ’s done . ’ [Jesse]306-jesse mutters . ‘[2813-john] [John]2813-john ’s taking [you]2813-john to work . ’ [he]2813-john tells [me]2813-john as [we]4105-we emerge . ‘[2813-john] When do [I]2813-john get [my]2813-john Mini back ? ’ [I]2813-john ask , spotting [the big guy across [the car park]711-the car park]4106-the big guy across the car park , leaning up against [the driver]3227-the driver ’s door . ‘[2813-john] [You]2813-john ’re not . It ’s a write off . ’[2813-john] ‘ Oh , ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john say quietly . [I]2813-john love [my]2813-john Mini . ‘ Well when do [I]2813-john get to drive [myself]2813-john to work , then ? ’[2813-john] [Jesse]306-jesse opens the passenger door of [John ’s Range Rover]48-john ’s range rover and lifts [me]2813-john in . ‘ When [I]306-jesse find out who stole [[my]306-jesse car]653-my car . ’[306-jesse] ‘ Why are n’t [you]2813-john taking [me]306-jesse to work ? ’[306-jesse] [He]306-jesse pulls [my]2813-john seatbelt across and secures [me]2813-john before dropping a kiss on [my]2813-john forehead . ‘ [I]306-jesse have a few meetings at [The Manor]226-the manor . ’[306-jesse] ‘ Then why did [you]2813-john make [me]2813-john wait for [you]2813-john ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ask on a scowl . ‘ So [I]2813-john could put [you]2813-john in [[John]2813-john ’s car]4111-john ’s car and remind [you]2813-john to speak with [Patrick]374-patrick . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john know [I]2813-john audibly groan . ‘ [You]2329-you ’re[2813-john] impossible . ’ ‘[2329-you] [You]2329-you ’re beautiful . Have a good day . ’[306-jesse] [He]306-jesse kisses [me]2813-john once more and shuts [me]2813-john in , giving [John]2813-john a brief nod before making [his]2813-john way to [the DBS]150-the dbs . [I]2813-john ’m suspicious of that nod and when [John]2813-john climbs in next to [me]87-ruth , [I]87-ruth make sure [I]87-ruth direct [my]87-ruth suspiciousness at [him]87-ruth . ‘[87-ruth] What ’s up , [Girl]87-ruth ? ’ ‘[87-ruth] [Him]87-ruth . ’ ‘[87-ruth] Nothing ’s changed then , ’ [he]87-ruth laughs that deep , rumbling laugh . ‘[87-ruth] No , nothing has changed . ’ [I]87-ruth grumble . Chapter 31 [I]87-ruth ’m[87-ruth] a whole hour late for work , but [I]2813-john ’m not going to get away with it today . [Patrick]374-patrick is [here]374-patrick , and [he]374-patrick ’s standing over [my]2813-john desk when [I]2813-john finally burst through the door . ‘[2813-john] Flower ? ’ [His]374-patrick round face is questioning , and the last thing [I]2813-john need today . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] late , and now [I]2813-john ’m going to shock [him]374-patrick into a heart attack with [my]2813-john announcement . [He]374-patrick looks up at [the office]3076-the office clock . ‘[2813-john] What time do [you]87-ruth call this ? ’ It ’s one of the only times [I]87-ruth ’ve seen a displeased look on [[my]87-ruth boss]374-patrick ’s face . [I]87-ruth ’ve always been so dedicated to [my]87-ruth career , but personal stuff is getting in the way and [my]87-ruth job has been side lined . [I]87-ruth ’m[87-ruth] really pushing [my]2813-john luck , and [I]2813-john have been since [Jesse]306-jesse trampled into [my]2813-john life . ‘ [I]374-patrick ’m[374-patrick] sorry , [Patrick]374-patrick . ’ [I]536-ava ca n’t lie and feed [him]374-patrick any rubbish on a client appointment , so [I]536-ava leave it at just an apology . ‘[536-ava] [Ava]536-ava , [I]2813-john know [your]536-ava life has been moving pretty quickly lately — congratulations , by the way , but [I]2813-john need dedication . ’ [He]374-patrick takes [his]374-patrick comb from [his]374-patrick inside pocket and sweeps it through [his]374-patrick silver mop . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] a little shocked . Congratulations , by the way ? That was hardly sincere . ‘ [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] sorry . ’ [I]2813-john repeat because [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] stumped for anything else to say . By the way ? [I]2813-john ’m a little insulted , but [my]2813-john slighted state is n’t drawing any further inspiration to voice it , and [Patrick]374-patrick does n’t give [me]2813-john the chance to , anyway . [He]374-patrick goes back to [[his]374-patrick office]2910-his office , shutting the door behind [him]374-patrick . [I]2813-john turn [my]2813-john confusion onto [[my]2813-john three colleagues , who are all sitting quietly with [their]374-patrick heads down]374-patrick . Has [he]374-patrick had a pop at [them]374-patrick , too ? [I]2813-john collapse in [my]2813-john chair and decide , wisely or not , given [[my]2813-john boss]374-patrick ’s annoyance , to call [Kate]2774-kate . A friendly voice . That ’s what [I]2813-john need to hear right now . [She]2774-kate grunts down the phone in greeting . ‘[2813-john] Are [you]2331-you still in bed ? ’ [I]2813-john ask , firing up [my]2813-john computer . ‘[2813-john] Yep . ’ is the one word , swift reply that shoots down the phone . [I]2813-john smile . ‘[2813-john] Is [a certain cute , messy haired , dimpled faced man with [you]2331-you]2332-a certain cute , messy haired , dimpled faced man with you ? ’ [I]2332-a certain cute , messy haired , dimpled faced man with you pray for a yes , then hear shuffles and definitely a giggle , making [my]2332-a certain cute , messy haired , dimpled faced man with you smile widen . [I]2332-a certain cute , messy haired , dimpled faced man with you might have wanted to hear a friendly voice , but this will do the trick , too . ‘[2332-a certain cute , messy haired , dimpled faced man with you] [He]2332-a certain cute , messy haired , dimpled faced man with you is . ’ [She]2332-a certain cute , messy haired , dimpled faced man with you answers on a little shriek , not bothering to evade or brush off [my]2844-sam question . ‘[2844-sam] [Sam]2844-sam ! ’ ‘[2844-sam] Okay , [I]2813-john ’ll go . ’ [I]2813-john have things to share , but [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] more than happy to hold off . ‘ No , [Ava]536-ava ! ’[2813-john] ‘ What ? ’[2332-a certain cute , messy haired , dimpled faced man with you] ‘ Wait ! ’[2332-a certain cute , messy haired , dimpled faced man with you] [she]2332-a certain cute , messy haired , dimpled faced man with you demands . [I]2813-john hear more shuffling , definitely a few slaps and then a door close . ‘ [I]2332-a certain cute , messy haired , dimpled faced man with you just wanted to know how [you]2331-you got on with [Dan]464-dan . ’[2332-a certain cute , messy haired , dimpled faced man with you] [She]2332-a certain cute , messy haired , dimpled faced man with you ’s whispering , for obvious reasons . That wipes the smile clean from [my]2813-john face . [Kate]2774-kate does n’t need to know the gory details , and [I]2813-john ’m just as ashamed of [[my]2813-john brother]71-my brother as [he]71-my brother is of [himself]71-my brother . ‘[2813-john] Fine . It ’s fine . [He]2333-he ’s gone back to [Australia]4-australia , and [Jesse]306-jesse convinced [him]2333-he to keep quiet . ’ ‘[306-jesse] [I]2813-john feel responsible . ’ ‘[2774-kate] [Kate]2774-kate , [he]2333-he ’d already worked it out , before [you]2334-you made the entrance of the year . ’ [I]2774-kate can joke about it now . ‘[2774-kate] Did [you]2334-you talk ? ’ [I]2334-you ask tentatively , taping [my]2334-you pen furiously on the table and wondering if there ’s still scope for a bit of head bashing . ‘[2334-you] Yes , [we]2335-we talked . [He]2333-he knew about [Dan]464-dan . ’ [She]2333-he pauses , and [I]2333-he know [she]2333-he ’s waiting for a shocked gasp from [me]2333-he , but too much time has passed for [me]2333-he to fake one now . [I]2333-he try , anyway . ‘[2333-he] Really ? ’ [I]536-ava practically shriek , receiving three sets of wide , startled eyes shoot straight to [me]536-ava from every corner of [the office]3076-the office . ‘[536-ava] Whatever , [Ava]536-ava . ’ [she]2337-she mumbles . ‘[536-ava] [I]2813-john felt like such [an idiot]913-an idiot . [He]913-an idiot ’s not as daft as [I]2813-john thought . ’ ‘[913-an idiot] [I]2813-john know , ’ [I]2813-john agree . ‘[2813-john] So , everything is okay ? ’ ‘[2813-john] Yes , everything is fine . Perfect , in fact . ’ [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] smiling again . ‘ No more Manor ? ’[2337-she] ‘ No more Manor . ’[2337-she] [she]2337-she confirms . ‘ How are [you]2813-john ? Throwing up ? [Achy]198-achy legs ? Any stretch marks ? ’[2337-she] ‘ Not yet , ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john look down and notice [my]2813-john hand resting on [my]2813-john stomach . ‘ [I]2813-john might not be the only one getting all of those things , though . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john prick [her]2337-she curiosity . There ’s no way in hell [I]2813-john ’ll ever keep this one to [myself]2813-john . ‘ Ooohhhh , who ’s preggers ? ’[2337-she] [she]2337-she asks , obviously intrigued . ‘ Not boring [Sal]60-sarah ? ’[2337-she] ‘ No ! ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john look over at boring [Sal]60-sarah and instantly register that [she]2337-she is , in fact , boring [Sal]60-sarah again . [I]2813-john cave on the inside for [her]2337-she . ‘ Who then ? ’[2813-john] [Kate]2774-kate ’s impatient voice relieves [my]2813-john eyes of boring , suicidal [Sal]60-sarah and pulls [me]2813-john back to [her]2774-kate pressing need for answers . ‘ [Coral]1009-coral . ’[60-sarah] ‘ Fuck off ! ’[2813-john] ‘ No , [Coral]1009-coral is pregnant and that ’s not all . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m teasing when [I]2774-kate really do n’t need to . [I]2774-kate have [her]1009-coral full attention and shock . [She]1009-coral ’s heard nothing yet . ‘[2774-kate] And [she]2774-kate claims it ’s [Jesse]306-jesse ’s ’ ‘[306-jesse] WHAT ? ’ [I]306-jesse pull [my]306-jesse phone away from [my]306-jesse ear , certain that [the whole office]4117-the whole office , perhaps even the whole of [London]3-london , heard [her]1009-coral . ‘[306-jesse] It ’s not , though . ’ ‘[306-jesse] Wait , wait wait . ’ [She]1009-coral ’s gesturing with [her]1009-coral hands in [my]1009-coral mind ’s eye , and [I]1009-coral hear the unmistakable scraping of a chair across [her]1009-coral kitchen floor . [She]1009-coral ’s sitting [herself]1009-coral down . ‘[1009-coral] [Coral]1009-coral ’s pregnant ? ’ ‘[1009-coral] Yes , ’ ‘[2774-kate] And [she]2774-kate claims its [Jesse]306-jesse ’s ? ’ ‘[2774-kate] Yes , ’ [I]2774-kate open [my]2774-kate email as [I]2774-kate answer , all casual and not at all affected by [Kate]2774-kate ’s shock . [I]2774-kate ’m[2774-kate] over it . ‘ But it ’s not ? ’[2774-kate] ‘ Nope , ’[2774-kate] ‘ How do [you]2774-kate know ? ’[2774-kate] [She]2774-kate asks the question prudently , but it ’s a fair one , and [I]2813-john highly expected it . ‘ Because [she]2774-kate tried to pass off a peanut as a walnut . ’[2813-john] ‘ What the fucking hell are [you]2774-kate on about ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john sigh and continue absentmindedly scrolling [my]2813-john email account . ‘ [She]1009-coral has a scan picture . [She]1009-coral ’s claiming it ’s a four month scan , but it ’s clearly not and [she]1009-coral ’s cut all of the evidence away - the date , everything . ’[2813-john] ‘ [The crafty fucking bitch]1009-coral ! Is [she]1009-coral that desperate ? ’[2813-john] ‘ Very . [She]1009-coral ’s four - ish weeks , maximum . The last time [Jesse]306-jesse slept with [the tramp]4118-the tramp was over four months ago . [I]2844-sam swear to [God]306-jesse , [Kate]2774-kate , [I]2844-sam was this … ’[2844-sam] ‘ Hold up ! ’[2813-john] ‘ What ? ’[2813-john] ‘ Fucking hell ! [SAM]2844-sam ! ’[2774-kate] [she]2774-kate shrieks , and [I]2813-john jump in [my]2813-john chair . ‘ [SAM]2844-sam ! ’[2774-kate] ‘ Will [you]2844-sam stop yelling in [my]2813-john ear ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john snap , hearing thundering footsteps down the line , then the sound of a door crashing open . There ’s the mumbled , sleepy voice of [Sam]2844-sam , and the high pitched , wide awake shriek of [Kate]2774-kate . [I]2813-john can hear neither . [Sam]2844-sam is too quiet and [Kate]2774-kate is so loud , [she]2774-kate ’s all distorted . ‘ [Kate]2774-kate ? ’[2774-kate] ‘ [Ava]536-ava , fucking hell ! ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m losing [my]2813-john rag now . ‘[2813-john] Stop [your]2813-john shouting and talk to [me]2813-john . ’ ‘[2813-john] Okay , ’ [she]2774-kate pants . ‘[83-drew] [Drew]83-drew slept with [Coral]1009-coral . ’ [I]83-drew sit up in [my]83-drew chair . ‘[83-drew] When ? ’ ‘[83-drew] Oh , about four or five weeks ago . ’ [she]2774-kate says casually , which is a million miles away from the last few moments of frantic shouting and blurting of words . ‘[83-drew] How do [you]2813-john know ? ’ ‘[2844-sam] [Sam]2844-sam told [me]2813-john . [Drew]83-drew was rat arsed , [Coral]1009-coral nabbed [him]2844-sam . [The poor bloke]453-the poor bloke knew nothing about it and probably would n’t if [Sam]2844-sam had n’t have turned up at [[his]2844-sam place]2339-his place . [He]2844-sam caught [her]453-the poor bloke sneaking out . ’ ‘[2844-sam] Oh shit , ’ [I]2844-sam ’m[2844-sam] not scrolling [my]2813-john email casually anymore . [I]2813-john ’m tapping [my]453-the poor bloke pen wildly on the side of [my]453-the poor bloke desk . ‘[453-the poor bloke] How did [she]453-the poor bloke think [she]453-the poor bloke ’d get away with it ? [I]2813-john mean , [the baby]1009-coral would be three months overdue ! ’ ‘[1009-coral] [Desperate people]2341-desperate people do desperate things , [[my]2813-john friend]2844-sam . ’ [She]453-the poor bloke ’s calmed right down . ‘[2844-sam] [Sam]2844-sam ’s on the phone to [him]2844-sam now . Are [you]2844-sam okay ? That must have been a shock , even if [she]453-the poor bloke was lying . ’ ‘[2813-john] Yeah , [I]2813-john ’m used to shock with [Jesse]306-jesse . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john brush it off with the apathy the whole episode deserves . Drew wo n’t be , though . ‘ Good . [You]2844-sam need to be careful now , do n’t [you]2844-sam ? ’[453-the poor bloke] [She]453-the poor bloke asks it sweetly as a question , but there is a tinge of menace in there , too . ‘ [I]453-the poor bloke do , [I]453-the poor bloke am , and [I]453-the poor bloke will . Listen , [I]453-the poor bloke ’d better go . [Patrick]374-patrick ’s got the hump with [me]453-the poor bloke and [Tom]84-tom , [Sal]60-sarah and [Victoria]85-victoria all look like [someone]443-someone ’s slapped them in the face . Lunch tomorrow ? ’[453-the poor bloke] ‘ Perfect . Call [me]453-the poor bloke . ’[453-the poor bloke] [She]453-the poor bloke hangs up , and [I]2813-john cast a sceptical gaze around [[my]2813-john office]3081-patrick ’s office . It ’s only ever this quiet when [I]2813-john ’m here on [my]2813-john own . [I]2813-john glance over [my]2813-john shoulder to [[Patrick]374-patrick ’s office]3081-patrick ’s office and see [his]374-patrick door shut and whilst [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] dying to call [Jesse]306-jesse and off load [my]2813-john new knowledge , [I]2813-john would be pushing [my]2813-john luck further . [I]2813-john know [Sam]2844-sam will be calling [him]2844-sam up , anyway . [I]2813-john should prep for [my]2813-john meeting with [Ruth Quinn]87-ruth . * * * At eleven thirty , [no one]548-no one has spoken still , [Patrick]374-patrick has n’t come out of [[his]374-patrick office]3076-the office and [I]2813-john ’m feeling nervous when [I]2813-john knock on [Patrick]374-patrick ’s door . [I]2813-john do n’t just open it like [I]2813-john usually would . [I]2813-john wait for [his]374-patrick okay and when it comes , [I]2813-john poke [my]2813-john head around and smile sweetly . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john have a noon appointment with [Miss Quinn]104-miss quinn . ’ ‘[2813-john] Fine . [You]2345-you need to be back by two . [We]2346-we ’re having a meeting . ’[374-patrick] [His]374-patrick tone is clipped , and [he]374-patrick does n’t look at [me]2813-john , choosing to keep [his]374-patrick attention on the screen of [his]374-patrick computer . ‘ Okay , ’[374-patrick] [I]2813-john shut the door with care and leave [the office]3076-the office bewildered and concerned . A meeting ? A meeting to discuss [my]2813-john lack of job commitment lately , no doubt , and bizarrely , [I]2813-john ’m not even that concerned . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] greeted by [a moped courier]2347-a moped courier at the door . ‘ Delivery for [Ava O’Shea]536-ava . ’[374-patrick] [His]374-patrick voice is muffled through [his]374-patrick helmet , which [he]374-patrick has n’t taken off . ‘ That ’s [me]2813-john . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john murmur apprehensively , the sound of [my]2813-john maiden name sending a chill down [my]2813-john spine . ‘ Sign here , please . ’[374-patrick] [He]374-patrick thrusts a clipboard under [my]2813-john nose and [I]2813-john sign away , taking an envelope from [him]374-patrick when [I]2813-john ’m done . [I]2813-john do n’t want to accept this delivery , but when [John]2813-john pulls up , [I]2813-john try [my]2813-john hardest to appear natural when [I]2813-john really should be appearing exasperated at [the big guy]438-the big guy ’s arrival . [The courier]4121-the courier jumps on [his]4121-the courier bike and zooms off down [the road]577-the road without another muffled word . It ’s not until [John]2813-john leans over and pushes the passenger door open that [I]2813-john realise [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] frozen in place , still with the envelope in [my]2813-john hand . ‘ What [you]87-ruth got there , [girl]87-ruth ? ’[374-patrick] [he]374-patrick asks , [his]374-patrick smooth , shiny forehead creasing above [his]374-patrick wraparounds . ‘ Nothing , ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john stuff it in [my]2813-john bag and jump in , pulling [my]2813-john seatbelt on . ‘ What are [you]87-ruth doing here ? ’[374-patrick] [He]374-patrick pulls straight into the traffic and starts the therapeutic tapping of [his]374-patrick palm on the steering wheel , and [I]2813-john wonder how the leather has n’t developed a dent in it from the constant drumming . ‘ [You]87-ruth have an appointment , [girl]87-ruth . ’[2813-john] [My]2813-john inquisitive eyes bore into the side of [his]374-patrick head . [He]374-patrick ca n’t possibly know that because [I]2813-john ’ve ensured [my]2813-john work diary remains under lock and key , just like [my]2813-john mouth . ‘ How do [you]87-ruth know ? ’[2813-john] For the first time since [I]2813-john ’ve known [this big , menacing , black man]2348-this big , menacing , black man , [he]2348-this big , menacing , black man looks awkward , and [he]2348-this big , menacing , black man ’s refusing to look at [me]2813-john . ‘ [He]2348-this big , menacing , black man ’s making [you]87-ruth follow [me]2813-john , is n’t [he]2348-this big , menacing , black man ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john accuse . [I]2813-john do n’t believe this . [His]2348-this big , menacing , black man tapping increases momentum . [I]2813-john give [him]2348-this big , menacing , black man time to think about [his]2348-this big , menacing , black man answer , but [I]2813-john can tell by the look on [his]2348-this big , menacing , black man face that [he]2348-this big , menacing , black man knows [I]2813-john ’ve got [him]2348-this big , menacing , black man . ‘ [Girl]87-ruth , [someone]443-someone tried to ram [you]87-ruth off [the road]577-the road . [You]87-ruth can not blame [him]2348-this big , menacing , black man for being a little jittery . Where am [I]2348-this big , menacing , black man heading . ’[2348-this big , menacing , black man] ‘ [Lansdowne Terrace]199-lansdowne terrace , ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john reply . ‘ So what ’s [your]87-ruth excuse for all of the other times [he]2348-this big , menacing , black man ’s stalked [me]2813-john ? ’[2813-john] ‘ [I]2348-this big , menacing , black man do n’t have one . ’[2348-this big , menacing , black man] [he]2348-this big , menacing , black man answers candidly . ‘ Those times [he]2348-this big , menacing , black man was just [a crazy mother fucker]4126-a crazy mother fucker . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john laugh and [John]2813-john joins [me]2813-john , [his]2813-john neck retracting just how [I]2813-john like it . ‘ Do n’t [you]87-ruth get bored ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ask , thinking that [he]2813-john must see [me]2813-john as a royal pain in the arse . This definitely ca n’t be in [his]2813-john job description . ‘ No , ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john quits with the laughing and turns to [me]2813-john , smiling fondly . ‘ [That crazy mother fucker]4126-a crazy mother fucker is n’t the only one who cares about [you]87-ruth , [girl]87-ruth . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john have to press [my]2813-john lips together before [my]2813-john stupid pregnant emotions get the better of [me]2813-john and [I]2813-john let out an embarrassing sob . [I]2813-john know [John]2813-john wo n’t appreciate it . ‘ [I]2813-john do n’t mind [you]87-ruth either . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john shrug [his]2813-john affection off because [I]2813-john know [he]2813-john ’ll appreciate that , and [his]2813-john quiet laugh confirms it . ‘ [I]2813-john ’ve been reading . ’[2813-john] [he]2813-john informs [me]2813-john , leaning over and opening the glove compartment . [He]2813-john takes a book out and hands it to [me]2813-john before resuming tapping of the wheel . [I]2813-john read the title , and then again to make sure [I]2813-john have it right . ‘ Bonsai trees ? ’[2813-john] ‘ That ’s right . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john start flicking through the pages , admiring the pretty little trees and imagining [John]2813-john bent over one , delicately clipping at the fragile branches . ‘ It ’s a hobby ? ’[2813-john] ‘ Yes , very relaxing . ’[2813-john] ‘ Where do [you]2813-john live , [John]2813-john ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john do n’t know where the question comes from . [John]2813-john and [Bonsai]200-bonsai trees would never be two things that [I]2813-john would naturally put together , but with this strange , new knowledge , [I]2813-john ’m compelled to know . ‘[201-chelsea] [Chelsea]201-chelsea , [girl]87-ruth . ’ ‘[201-chelsea] Alone ? ’ ‘[201-chelsea] All alone . ’ [He]2350-a man who on first sight i thought laughs . ‘[2813-john] [Me]2813-john and [my]2813-john trees . ’ [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] astonished . [I]2813-john would never have thought it . This is [a man who on first sight [I]2813-john thought]2350-a man who on first sight i thought was [a member of the Mafia]2350-a man who on first sight i thought — [this huge , black , mean looking geezer , who patrols [The Manor]226-the manor]2350-a man who on first sight i thought , keeps over [exited men]2352-exited men , and perhaps [women]253-women , too , in [their]253-women place , and now [I]2813-john find out that [he]2350-a man who on first sight i thought lives with trees ? Fascinating . * * * ‘ Are [you]4127-you going to wait outside for [me]2813-john ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ask [John]2813-john playfully when [he]2813-john pulls up outside [[Ruth Quinn]87-ruth ’s house]2904-home . [His]2813-john gold tooth flashes , and [he]2813-john reaches over to take the book . ‘ [I]2813-john might read a few pages , [girl]87-ruth . ’[2813-john] ‘ [I]2813-john ’ll be as quick as [I]2813-john can . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john jump out and dash up the path to [[Ruth]87-ruth ’s [home]2904-home]2904-home . The front door is open before [I]2813-john even knock . ‘ [Ava]536-ava ! ’[87-ruth] [She]87-ruth sounds far too happy to see [me]2813-john . ‘ Hi , [Ruth]87-ruth . How are [you]87-ruth ? ’[87-ruth] ‘ Fabulous ! Come in . ’[87-ruth] [She]87-ruth looks over [my]2813-john shoulder on a slight frown and ushers [me]2813-john in quickly . [I]2813-john let [her]87-ruth be curious because explaining [John]2813-john will take too long , and [I]2813-john do n’t want to stay any longer than is necessary . [I]2813-john need to keep this as professional as possible . [She]87-ruth leads [me]2813-john down [the corridor]2909-the corridor , into [the kitchen]3044-the kitchen . ‘ Did [you]2813-john have a good weekend ? ’[87-ruth] [she]87-ruth asks . Brilliant and awful . It seems like light - years ago . ‘ Yes , thank [you]2813-john , and [you]2813-john ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john settle [myself]2813-john at the huge oak table and get [my]2813-john files out . ‘ Wonderful , ’[87-ruth] [she]87-ruth sings , taking a seat next to [me]2813-john . [I]2813-john smile politely and open [her]87-ruth file . ‘ So , what did [you]2813-john want to discuss ? Cupboards ? ’[2813-john] ‘ No , do n’t worry about the cupboards . [We]4128-we ’ll stick with the original . Now , the wine fridge , remind [me]87-ruth , did [we]4128-we opt for the single or double width ? ’[87-ruth] If that is what [she]87-ruth ’s dragged [me]2813-john [here]2799-here for , [I]2813-john will be most upset . ‘ Double . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john say slowly . [I]2813-john ’m not at all comfortable . [She]87-ruth could have called for both of those points . [My]2813-john phone starts ringing from [my]2813-john bag , but [I]2813-john ignore it , even though it ’s [Angel]57-angel . [I]2813-john do n’t plan on being [here]2799-here for much longer , and there is absolutely no need for [me]2813-john to be , so [I]2813-john can call [him]4129-him back as soon as [I]2813-john escape . ‘[2813-john] Was that all ? ’ [I]2813-john ask dubiously . [My]2813-john phone rings off , then starts again immediately . ‘[2813-john] Do [you]2358-you want to get that ? ’ [she]87-ruth asks , looking at [my]2813-john bag . ‘[2813-john] It ’s fine , ’ [I]87-ruth shake [my]87-ruth head mildly . [She]87-ruth does n’t know it , but it ’s in disbelief . ‘[87-ruth] Was there anything else [Ruth]87-ruth ? ’ ‘[306-jesse] [Urm]306-jesse , ’ [She]87-ruth looks frantically around [the kitchen]3044-the kitchen . ‘[306-jesse] Yes , [I]2813-john ’ve changed [my]2813-john mind about the walnut floor . ’ [she]87-ruth says , dragging a magazine over from the other side of the table . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john quite like this . ’ [She]87-ruth points to an oak alternative on the cover of the magazine . [I]536-ava start to voice [my]536-ava reasons for sticking to walnut when [my]536-ava phone cuts [me]536-ava off . [My]536-ava shoulders sag . [Ruth]87-ruth pushes [my]536-ava bag towards [me]536-ava . ‘[536-ava] [Ava]536-ava , perhaps [you]2359-you should answer . Whoever it is obviously wants to talk to [you]2359-you . ’ [I]306-jesse close [my]306-jesse eyes in a give - [me]306-jesse - strength gesture and reach into [my]306-jesse bag to retrieve [my]306-jesse phone before getting up from the table and making [my]306-jesse way into [the hall]4131-the hall . ‘[306-jesse] [Jesse]306-jesse , [I]2813-john ’m in a meeting . Can [I]306-jesse call [you]306-jesse back ? ’[306-jesse] ‘ [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] having [Ava]536-ava withdrawal . ’ [he]306-jesse murmurs . ‘[536-ava] Are [you]2359-you having [Jesse]306-jesse withdrawal ? ’ ‘[536-ava] Is there a cure ? ’ [I]536-ava ask on a grin , knowing damn well what the cure is . ‘[536-ava] Yes , it ’s called constant contact . What time are [you]2359-you finishing work ? ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m not sure . [I]2813-john have a meeting at two with [Patrick]374-patrick . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john glance over [my]2813-john shoulder and see [Ruth]87-ruth flicking through the design magazine . [She]87-ruth may not be paying any attention , but [she]87-ruth must be able to hear [me]2813-john . Maybe that ’s a good thing . [I]2813-john ’m happily married , most of the time . And [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] pregnant , too . Should [I]2813-john slip that into the conversation ? ‘ Oh good . [You]2359-you ’re[2813-john] finally going to see through on [your]2359-you promise to talk with [Patrick]374-patrick . ’ [Jesse]306-jesse says . ‘[2813-john] Yes , ’ ‘[2813-john] Well it wo n’t take that long , will it ? ’ ‘[2813-john] No , probably not , but it does n’t matter because [John]2813-john will be waiting for [me]2813-john , wo n’t [he]2813-john ? ’ [I]2813-john answer [his]2813-john question with [my]2813-john own . [I]2813-john ’ve probably dropped [John]2813-john in it , but what ’s the point in pretending [I]2813-john do n’t know ? ‘[2813-john] [He]2813-john will , ’ [I]2813-john can hear [his]2813-john grin in [his]2813-john tone . ‘[2813-john] How are [[my]2813-john babies]3539-our babies , [lady]2813-john ? ’ ‘[2813-john] [[Our]3539-our babies babies]3539-our babies are fine , ’ [I]306-jesse realise immediately what [I]306-jesse ’ve just said , and [I]306-jesse also notice [my]306-jesse hand caressing [my]306-jesse belly . ‘[306-jesse] [Jesse]306-jesse , [I]2813-john need to get back . [I]2813-john ’ll see [you]306-jesse later . ’ ‘[2813-john] What am [I]2813-john supposed to do until later ? ’ ‘[2813-john] Go for a run . ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john already did that . ’ [he]306-jesse counters proudly . ‘[2813-john] Maybe [I]2813-john ’ll go shopping . ’ ‘[2813-john] Yes , go shopping . ’ [I]2813-john encourage [him]306-jesse , hoping [he]306-jesse lands in Babies R [Us]4132-us and does n’t emerge until gone six . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john love [you]306-jesse . ’ [I]2813-john end the conversation on something that ’ll placate [him]306-jesse for a little longer . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john know . ’ [he]306-jesse sighs . ‘[2813-john] Bye . ’ [I]2813-john smile and hang up , making [my]2813-john way back to [the kitchen]3044-the kitchen . ‘[2813-john] Sorry about that . ’ [I]2813-john wave [my]2813-john phone as [I]2813-john sit back down . ‘[2813-john] So , oak then ? ’ [She]4134-she looks lost in thought as [she]4134-she studies [me]2813-john for a while , and then [her]4134-she stare drops to [my]2813-john tummy , which is tucked neatly under the table . [I]2813-john knew [she]4134-she must have heard , but a tiny part of [me]2813-john was hoping [she]4134-she had n’t . [I]2813-john start scribbling down a load of complete nonsense . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’ll get a price on the oak . The fitting and labour will be the same , but [I]2813-john ’ll check it out , anyway . Are [you]2813-john sure [we]2362-we ’re ditching the walnut ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john wait for [her]2363-she confirmation , but when [I]2813-john ’ve ran out of things to write and [she]2363-she still has n’t answered , [I]2813-john look up and find [her]2363-she still daydreaming . ‘ [Ruth]87-ruth ? ’[2813-john] ‘ Oh , sorry ! [I]2363-she was miles away . Yes , please do . ’[2363-she] [She]2363-she jumps up . ‘ [Ava]536-ava , [I]2363-she ’m[2363-she] so sorry , [I]2813-john ’ve not even offered [you]2813-john a cup of tea . Or maybe wine . [We]2364-we could have a cheeky lunchtime wine . ’ ‘[2364-we] No , honestly . [I]2813-john do n’t drink . ’ ‘[2813-john] Why ? ’ [Her]2363-she abrupt question increases [my]2813-john unease . ‘[2813-john] Not in the week . [I]2813-john do n’t drink in the week . ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john see . Yes , [we]2364-we can all get a bit carried away . ’ [She]2363-she smiles , but it goes nowhere near [her]2363-she blue eyes . ‘[2364-we] How ’s [[your]2813-john husband]420-my husband ? ’ [I]420-my husband ca n’t help the sharp inhale of breath . Not when [she]2363-she ’s linked alcohol , getting carried , away and [[my]420-my husband husband]420-my husband all in two close sentences . ‘[420-my husband] [He]420-my husband ’s good . ’ [I]420-my husband start to pack [my]420-my husband things away , keen to leave . [She]2363-she may have innocently touched a nerve , but [she]2363-she ’s still gazing longingly at [me]420-my husband , and it ’s becoming unbearable . ‘[420-my husband] [I]2813-john ’ll get those quotes and call [you]2813-john . ’ [I]536-ava make to stand a bit too hastily and catch [my]536-ava heel on the leg of the chair , causing [me]536-ava to stumble slightly . [She]2363-she ’s on [me]536-ava in a second , holding [my]536-ava arm to steady [me]536-ava . ‘[536-ava] [Ava]536-ava , are [you]2813-john okay ? ’ ‘[2813-john] Yes , fine . ’ [I]2813-john collect [myself]2813-john , trying [my]2813-john hardest not to appear uneasy , but now [she]2363-she has a hold of [me]2813-john and [she]2363-she ’s not letting go . In fact , [she]2363-she ’s trailing [her]2363-she hand up [my]2813-john arm . [I]2813-john tense from top to toe as it makes it to [my]2813-john cheek and strokes [me]2813-john gently . ‘[2813-john] So beautiful , ’ [she]2363-she whispers . [I]2813-john should move back , but [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] too shocked and [my]2813-john lack of recoil is allowing [her]2366-her to caress [my]2813-john cheek to [her]2366-her hearts content . ‘ [I]2813-john should go , ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john say quietly , finally letting some sensibility filter into [my]2813-john brain . [I]2813-john step back and [her]2366-her hand falls away , a shimmer of embarrassment washing over [her]2366-her face . [She]2366-her laughs and looks away . ‘ Yes , perhaps [you]4135-you should . ’[2366-her] [I]2813-john take [her]2366-her cue and make [my]2813-john getaway , hurrying down [the hall]4131-the hall to the front door and swinging it open . [I]2813-john do n’t even close it behind [me]2813-john . [John]2813-john spots [me]2813-john rushing towards [[his]2813-john car]716-his car and jumps out . ‘ [Ava]536-ava , [girl]536-ava ? ’[2813-john] [he]2813-john questions as [he]2813-john runs a quick all over scan of [me]2813-john , checking [I]2813-john ’m physically okay . Once [he]2813-john ’s satisfied [himself]2813-john that [I]2813-john am , [he]2813-john looks past [me]2813-john and slowly reaches up to remove [his]2813-john sunglasses . [His]2813-john action would n’t appear so strange if [he]2813-john ’d have left [his]2813-john glasses on , but [he]2813-john has n’t , and now [he]2813-john ’s looking up the path to [[Ruth]87-ruth ’s house]2354-ruth ’s house . [I]2813-john slow [my]2813-john escape and turn to see what ’s caught [his]2813-john interest , seeing the front door close to [[Ruth]87-ruth ’s home]2354-ruth ’s house as [I]2813-john do . ‘[2813-john] What ’s up , [John]2813-john ? ’ [I]2813-john ask , feeling better now that [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] away from [[my]2813-john friendly client]87-ruth , who now just seems creepy . ‘ Nothing , [girl]87-ruth . Get in [the car]709-the car . ’[2813-john] [His]2813-john glasses are replaced and [he]2813-john nods at [me]2813-john , instead of repeating [himself]2813-john , so [I]2813-john climb in and wait for [him]2813-john to join [me]2813-john . [He]2813-john slides in and turns towards [me]2813-john . ‘ What ’s got [you]87-ruth in a state ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john sag and pull [my]2813-john seatbelt on , feeling a little stupid . ‘ [I]2813-john think [I]2813-john have [a female admirer]1020-a female admirer . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john expect a laugh or at least a shocked gasp , but [I]2813-john get nothing , just a nod of acknowledgment and a face that turns away from [me]2813-john . ‘ Something else to send [the mother fucker]3332-the mother fucker crazy . ’[2813-john] [John]2813-john rumbles dryly . ‘ What ’s [her]3332-the mother fucker name ? ’[2813-john] ‘ [Ruth Quinn]87-ruth . [She]3332-the mother fucker ’s strange . ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john nods thoughtfully . ‘ Back to [the office]3076-the office ? ’[2813-john] ‘ Please , [John]2813-john . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john throw [my]2813-john bag between [my]2813-john feet , dislodging the envelope that [I]2813-john tucked neatly in there earlier . It pokes out , reminding [me]2813-john of its presence , and [I]2813-john reach down , curiosity getting the better of [me]2813-john . ‘ What ’s that ? ’[2813-john] [John]2813-john asks , nodding at the brown A4 envelope that [I]2813-john ’m holding . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m not sure . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john sound as apprehensive as [I]2813-john feel . ‘ [A courier]4141-a courier delivered it . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m being totally honest because if this turns out to be another warning , then [I]2813-john ’ll be telling [Jesse]306-jesse anyway , so it ’s of no consequence if [John]2813-john knows , too . [I]2813-john peel the seal and pull out a piece of card and as soon as [I]2813-john clock the cut out letters , [I]2813-john lose [my]2813-john breath . ‘[2813-john] What is it ? ’ [John]2813-john asks , [his]2813-john voice laced with concern . [I]2813-john ca n’t speak . There is a certain level of maliciousness linked to these sorts of letters and as [I]2813-john stare down at the message , assembled with various newspaper and magazine cuttings , [my]2813-john casual disregard of [my]2813-john previous warning seems quite reckless . ‘[2813-john] It ’s another warning . ’ [I]2813-john manage to splutter through [my]2813-john racing breath . [I]2813-john feel sick . ‘[2813-john] Another ? ’ ‘[3463-that one] Yes , [I]2813-john had one with some half dead flowers . [I]2813-john just chucked it in the bin and put it down to a jilted ex - sexual conquest . ’ [I]2813-john open the window to get some needed fresh air . ‘[2813-john] What does it say ? ’ [John]2813-john keeps flicking [his]2813-john sunglass covered eyes over to the piece of card that [I]2813-john ’ve dropped in [my]2813-john lap . [I]2813-john read the message to [him]2370-him . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john told [you]2370-him to leave [him]2370-him . ’ A frustrated curse shoots into the air . ‘[2813-john] What did [the other one]3463-that one say ? Was it like [that one]3463-that one ? ’ [I]3463-that one try and collect [my]3463-that one scattered thoughts and attempt to recall the exact wording of the other message . ‘[3463-that one] Something along the lines of [me]2813-john not knowing [him]2370-him . [They]2372-they said [they]2372-they did . ’ [I]2372-they shake [my]2372-they head in frustration . ‘[2372-they] [I]2813-john ca n’t remember . The other was handwritten . ’ [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] furious with [myself]2813-john for getting rid of it when [I]2813-john should have been sensible and told [Jesse]306-jesse . [He]2370-him ’s got [Steve]134-steve investigating [the car]709-the car incident and [my]2813-john drugging and , stupidly , [I]2813-john kept something from [him]2370-him that could ’ve assisted in dealing with this . It may have sent [him]2370-him off the deep end initially , but the long term benefits to [him]2370-him knowing far outweigh the meltdown that would be guaranteed — the meltdown [he]2370-him ’s going to have very soon because now [he]2370-him will know , and [I]2813-john ’m going to be facing [a seriously pissed off male]4142-a seriously pissed off male . [I]2813-john ’ve been so stupid . ‘[2813-john] Why have n’t [you]2374-you told [Jesse]306-jesse ? ’ [John]2813-john sounds concerned , only heightening [my]2813-john own worrying thoughts . ‘[2813-john] Why do [you]2374-you think , [John]2813-john ? ’ [He]2813-john ca n’t be so unwise to ask that question , and the deep breath and brief look of understanding that travel across [his]2813-john annoyed face tells [me]87-ruth [he]2813-john ’s not . ‘[87-ruth] Okay , [girl]87-ruth . ’ [He]2813-john does n’t say [I]87-ruth ’ve been foolish , but [I]87-ruth know [he]2813-john ’s thinking it . ‘[87-ruth] [I]2813-john thought it was [Coral]1009-coral . ’ [I]1009-coral say quietly . ‘[1009-coral] Even after the dressing down that [you]2374-you gave [her]87-ruth this morning ? ’ [He]2813-john ’s restraining a small smile , [I]1009-coral can tell . ‘[1009-coral] No , [I]2813-john thought it was [Coral]1009-coral before . Not now . ’ ‘[2813-john] Do [you]2374-you want to tell [him]2813-john , or should [I]2813-john ? ’ [John]2813-john asks seriously . [I]2813-john know what [he]2813-john means . No further elaboration is required and when [he]2813-john looks at [me]2813-john and nods at [my]2813-john pleading face , [I]2813-john know [he]2813-john understands . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’ll tell [him]2813-john , [girl]87-ruth . ’ ‘[87-ruth] Can [you]2374-you try to calm [him]2813-john down , too ? ’ ‘[87-ruth] If [we]2377-we were talking about anything else , [I]2813-john ’d say yes . But this is [you]2374-you . [I]2813-john ’m not promising anything . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john sigh , but [I]2813-john appreciate [his]2813-john frankness . ‘ Thank [you]2374-you . Are [you]2374-you going back to [The Manor]226-the manor ? ’[2813-john] ‘ No , [girl]87-ruth . [I]2813-john ’ll call [him]2813-john . [You]2374-you just get done at work , and [I]2813-john ’ll be waiting for [you]2374-you . ’[2813-john] ‘ Okay . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john agree , feeling anxious , stupid and way too vulnerable . Once again , [I]2813-john ’ve underestimated something that [I]2813-john really should n’t have . * * * [The office]3076-the office is still uncomfortably silent when [John]2813-john drops [me]2813-john off at work . All three of [[my]2813-john colleagues]699-my colleagues heads are firmly down , [Sally]60-sarah still looks suicidal , and [Patrick]374-patrick ’s office door is still closed . [No one]548-no one acknowledges [me]2813-john when [I]2813-john pass through and [Sally]60-sarah does n’t offer [me]2813-john a coffee , so [I]2813-john dump [my]2813-john bag and head through to [the kitchen]3044-the kitchen to make [myself]2813-john one . [I]2813-john ’m just tipping [my]2813-john third sugar into the mug when [my]2813-john shoulders rise and tense at the sound of [[my]2813-john beloved husband]4144-my beloved husband ’s ringtone . If [I]2813-john could get away with it , [I]2813-john ’d ignore [him]4144-my beloved husband , but [he]4144-my beloved husband ’ll be calling the landline and failing that , charging into [the office]678-my office . Abandoning [my]2813-john coffee , [I]2813-john take deep breaths of courage as [I]2813-john go in search of [my]2813-john phone . This is n’t going to be a call that [I]2813-john can take in the openness of [[my]2813-john office]678-my office , so [I]2813-john hurry to [the conference room]2073-the conference room and close the door behind [me]2813-john before connecting [myself]2813-john to what will be a raging mass of [angry male]4147-angry male . ‘[2813-john] Please do n’t shout at [me]2813-john ! ’ [I]2813-john blurt down the line , immediately holding the phone away from [my]2813-john ear once [I]2813-john ’ve made [my]2813-john plea . [I]2813-john was right . ‘[2813-john] What the fucking hell were [you]2382-you thinking ? ’ [he]134-steve yells . ‘[2382-you] [You]2382-you stupid , [stupid woman]2383-stupid woman ! ’ [My]2382-you eyes close , and [I]2382-you quietly accept [his]134-steve rant , keeping [my]2382-you phone at a safe distance . [He]134-steve ’s breathing erratically between scorns . ‘[2382-you] [I]2813-john ’ve been pulling [my]2813-john fucking hair out , trying to work with [Steve]134-steve and figure this shit out , and all along [you]2382-you had a handwritten threat ? ’ [I]2382-you hear a door slam . ‘[2382-you] And [you]2382-you tore it up ? Evidence , [Ava]536-ava . Fucking evidence ! ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m sorry ! ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m close to tears . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john did n’t want to worry [you]2382-you . [I]2813-john thought it was harmless . ’ ‘[2813-john] Harmless , even after [you]2382-you were drugged ? And did [you]2382-you still think it was harmless after [you]2382-you got rammed from [the road]577-the road ? ’ [He]134-steve ’s so mad , but [I]2813-john know it ’s because [he]134-steve ’s not in control . [He]134-steve ca n’t control what ’s happening , and it ’s sending [him]134-steve crazy mad . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john should have told [you]2382-you . ’ ‘[2813-john] Fuck ! ’ Silence falls after [his]134-steve curse , and [I]2382-you can see a clear mental image of [him]134-steve slumped in [his]134-steve office chair , rubbing a furious circle on [his]134-steve temple with [his]134-steve fingertips . ‘[2382-you] Tell [me]2813-john [you]2382-you ’re not leaving [that office]2141-that office this afternoon . ’[2813-john] ‘ [I]2813-john have a meeting with [Patrick]374-patrick . [I]2813-john ’ll speak to [him]374-patrick about [Mikael]74-mikael . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m trying to tell [him]374-patrick what [I]2813-john know [he]374-patrick wants to hear . [I]2813-john ca n’t work with [Mikael]74-mikael , even if [I]2813-john do n’t think it ’s [him]374-patrick anymore . ‘[2813-john] This is n’t the work of [Mikael]74-mikael , [Ava]536-ava . ’ [he]74-mikael says more calmly than [I]134-steve know [he]74-mikael ’s feeling . [I]134-steve knew that , but what has convinced [Jesse]306-jesse ? ‘[134-steve] [Steve]134-steve confirmed that [Mikael]74-mikael was on the flight to [Denmark]5-denmark . [He]74-mikael ’s been back and forth to [London]3-london over the last few weeks , but completely legit . [He]74-mikael could n’t have drugged [you]2385-you and [he]74-mikael could n’t have been driving [[my]2813-john car]653-my car because both of those times it ’s confirmed that [he]74-mikael was in [Denmark]5-denmark . And why the hell would [he]74-mikael say that [he]74-mikael knows [me]2813-john ? ’ [Jesse]306-jesse ’s tone gets sharper as [he]74-mikael finishes the sentence . It ’s a reference to the first threat . ‘[74-mikael] What about [the man in the CCTV footage]2387-the man in the cctv footage ? ’ [I]536-ava ask tentatively ? ‘[536-ava] [I]2813-john do n’t know , [Ava]536-ava . ’ [he]74-mikael sighs . ‘[536-ava] [[My]2813-john car]653-my car was found yesterday . [Steve]134-steve ’s looking into it . [The tracker]2388-the tracker ’s been deactivated . ’ ‘[2388-the tracker] Oh . ’ [I]2388-the tracker rest [my]2388-the tracker tired arse down on one of the plush chairs surrounding the conference table . [I]2388-the tracker could point out to [him]134-steve that [I]2388-the tracker ’m[2388-the tracker] not [the only one who ’s been withholding information]2389-the only one who ’s been withholding information , but [I]2813-john wo n’t . [I]2813-john know [he]134-steve ’s been pulling strings , calling in favours and generally doing everything other than using [the police]1873-the police in the way [they]1873-the police should be , whereas [I]2813-john have just been plain dumb . ‘ Should [I]2813-john come to [The Manor]226-the manor after work ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ask . ‘ No , [John]2813-john will take [you]2813-john [home]2904-home as soon as [you]2813-john ’ve spoken to [Patrick]374-patrick . [I]134-steve ’ll meet [you]2813-john there . Given this new information [I]134-steve ’ve just found out , [I]134-steve ’ve got [Steve]134-steve swinging by . ’[134-steve] [His]134-steve sarcasm does n’t go unnoticed and neither does the edge of anger . [I]2813-john ’ve made a huge mistake . [I]2813-john do n’t point out that [my]2813-john working day may not be over after [I]2813-john ’ve spoken to [Patrick]374-patrick because it will serve no purpose other than instigating further growling down the phone . [I]2813-john really do need to play by [his]374-patrick rules this time . ‘ Do n’t leave [that office]2141-that office , and once [John]2813-john ’s taken [you]2813-john [home]2904-home , [you]2813-john stay put . Do [you]2813-john understand [me]2813-john ? ’[2813-john] ‘ [I]2813-john understand . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john whisper . ‘ [Good girl]2813-john . [I]2813-john ’ll speak with [Steve]134-steve , but [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] out of [here]2799-here the second [I]2813-john ’m done . ’[2813-john] ‘ [I]2813-john love [you]2813-john . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john blurt urgently , like [I]2813-john wo n’t ever get to tell [him]374-patrick again . [He]374-patrick sighs . ‘ [I]374-patrick know [you]2813-john do , [baby]2813-john . [We]4153-we ’ll have a bath when [I]374-patrick ’m[374-patrick] [home]2904-home . Deal ? ’ ‘[2813-john] Deal . ’ [I]2813-john agree , [his]374-patrick soft words and promise of tub - time making [me]2813-john feel a little better . ‘[2813-john] Do what [you]2393-you ’re told , [lady]2813-john . ’[374-patrick] [He]374-patrick hangs up after that final warning , but [I]2813-john do n’t take [my]2813-john phone from [my]2813-john ear . [I]2813-john know [he]374-patrick ’s gone , but [I]2813-john hold it there for a few moments anyway , maybe hoping that [I]2813-john ’m mistaken and [his]374-patrick deep husk will install some further reassurance . It ’s only when the door to [the conference room]2073-the conference room swings open and [Patrick]374-patrick appears that [I]2813-john finally pull [my]2813-john mobile away and accept [he]374-patrick ’s gone . ‘[2813-john] There [you]2393-you are , ’ [He]374-patrick still does n’t look impressed as [he]374-patrick stands holding the door open . ‘[2393-you] Are [you]2393-you ready ? ’ ‘[2393-you] Yes , ’ [I]2393-you go to rise , but [he]374-patrick waves [me]2393-you back down . ‘[2393-you] No , stay there . [We]2394-we ’re having the meeting in [here]2799-here . ’[374-patrick] [He]374-patrick shouts through to [the others]3294-the others and [one by one]2396-one by one , [they]3294-the others filter in , all puzzled and all deadly quiet . Something is going down , [everyone]2825-everyone can obviously sense it , and [I]2813-john now gather that it ’s not just [me]2813-john and [Patrick]374-patrick in this meeting . There are no trays of tea brought in by [Sal]60-sarah and there are no fresh cream cakes to dive into . [Patrick]374-patrick looks tired and harassed , whereas [we]2394-we all look majorly confused by this sudden change in meeting etiquette . What happen to the relaxed affair , where [we]2394-we all huddle around [[our]2394-we boss]2398-our boss ’s desk and stuff [our]2394-we faces with cake while [Patrick]374-patrick brings [himself]374-patrick up - to - date on client progress ? ‘ Right , ’[374-patrick] [He]374-patrick sits [his]374-patrick big body down in a chair at the head of the table and undoes [his]374-patrick suit jacket to prevent the pull over [his]374-patrick rounded stomach . ‘ [I]2399-i ’ve not been here much lately , and [I]2399-i ’m[2399-i] sure [you]2399-i ’re all wondering why . ’[2400-the other three] [The other three]2400-the other three all murmur [their]2400-the other three acknowledgment , and even though [I]2813-john had absentmindedly noticed [his]374-patrick lack of presence in [the offices]2401-the offices lately , [I]2813-john had n’t dwelled on it for long . ‘ Well , there is a perfectly good reason , ’[374-patrick] [he]374-patrick continues . ‘ and [I]374-patrick ’m[374-patrick] now in a position to disclose it . It has been tough , keeping [you]2402-you all in the dark . [You]2402-you all know [I]2813-john value each and [every one of [you]2402-you]2403-every one of you , but things needed to be ironed out and finalised . ’ [His]374-patrick hands rest on [his]374-patrick stomach and [he]374-patrick relaxes back in [his]374-patrick chair . [My]2813-john eyes travel from [Tom]84-tom to [Victoria]85-victoria to [Sal]60-sarah , and back again a few times , trying to gage [their]2825-everyone reaction to the news of news , but [they]2825-everyone are all just staring blankly at [Patrick]374-patrick . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m retiring . ’[374-patrick] [he]374-patrick sighs . ‘ [I]374-patrick ’ve had it . ’[374-patrick] There is a collective hum of relived breaths coming from [everyone]2825-everyone , except [me]2813-john . If [he]374-patrick ’s retiring , then what happens to [Rococo Union]6-rococo union ? Have none of [them]2825-everyone thought of that yet ? ‘ [You]2813-john ’ve all still got [your]2813-john jobs . [I]2405-more collective ’ve made sure of that , ’[2405-more collective] [More collective]2405-more collective sighs . ‘ but [I]2405-more collective ca n’t do it anymore . The rat race of [London]3-london is wearing [me]2405-more collective out , so [Irene]79-irene and [I]2405-more collective are moving up to [the Lake District]4156-the lake district . ’[2405-more collective] [My]2813-john first thought is … [Patrick]374-patrick full time with [Irene]79-irene ? What is [he]374-patrick thinking ? And [my]2813-john second thought is … who am [I]2813-john going to be working for ? [I]2813-john do n’t have to wait long to find out . The door opens and [Mikael]74-mikael walks in . Chapter 32 ‘ Meet [the new owner of [Rococo Union]6-rococo union]4157-the new owner of rococo union ! ’[374-patrick] [Patrick]374-patrick sings . [Tom]84-tom and [Victoria]85-victoria swoon a little , but [Sally]60-sarah is definitely with [me]2813-john in [the shock department]2406-the shock department . [We]2407-we ’re both visibly choking on thin air , but while [I]374-patrick know damn well why [I]374-patrick am , [I]374-patrick have no clue what ’s gotten into [Sal]60-sarah . ‘[374-patrick] Of course , [you]2408-you already know [him]374-patrick in some capacity . ’ [Patrick]374-patrick continues , ‘[2407-we] [Mr Van Der Haus]102-mr van der haus and [I]2813-john have been thrashing out a deal over the last few weeks , and [we]2407-we ’ve finally settled on mutually agreeable terms . ’ ‘[2813-john] And [I]2813-john ca n’t wait to get stuck in . ’ [Mikael]74-mikael smiles , ignoring [the other members of staff]4158-the other members of staff and keeping [his]74-mikael blues right on [me]2813-john . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john think [we]2407-we ’ll work very well together . ’ [I]2813-john predict that the hum of agreement comes from [only three people in [this room]285-this room]4159-only three people in this room . [I]2813-john do n’t agree and it does n’t look like [Sal]60-sarah does either . There will be nothing coming from [my]2813-john mouth because [my]2813-john throat has closed up . [I]2813-john watch [him]374-patrick round the table and shake hands with [Patrick]374-patrick before formally introducing [himself]374-patrick to [[my]2813-john colleagues]699-my colleagues . When [he]374-patrick makes it to [Sal]60-sarah , [he]374-patrick barely looks at [her]60-sarah and [she]60-sarah undoubtedly burns bright red and looks down to the floor . [She]60-sarah ’s been seeing [Mikael]74-mikael ! [My]2813-john mouth gapes as [I]2813-john watch [her]60-sarah fidget . That is how [he]2409-he knows [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] married . That is how [he]2409-he knows [I]2813-john ’m pregnant and that [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] pregnant with [twins]3535-twins . That is how [he]2409-he knows everything ! [The room]254-the room is suddenly filled with [Massive Attack]158-massive ’s [Angel]57-angel and [everyone]2825-everyone looks at [me]2813-john , sitting in the chair like a statue , holding [my]2813-john phone limply in [my]2813-john hand . ‘ Would [you]4162-you like to take that ? ’[74-mikael] [Mikael]74-mikael asks on a smile , which [I]2813-john do n’t reciprocate . Then the office door bursts open and [John]2813-john steams in , panting and doing a quick assessment of the scene that [he]2813-john ’s just barged in on . Now , [I]2813-john can safely say that [my]2813-john career at [Rococo Union]6-rococo union is over . [John]2813-john steps forward , with no regard for [the people all looking wide eyed at [him]2813-john]2413-the people all looking wide eyed at him , and grabs [my]2813-john phone from [my]2813-john lifeless hand , answering it quickly . ‘ [She]4163-she ’s fine . ’[2813-john] [My]2813-john stunned brain gets up to speed with what ’s happening as [I]2813-john watch [John]2813-john pace [the conference room]3076-the office . [Everyone]2825-everyone is watching [him]2813-john , but [no one]548-no one is questioning [him]2813-john . [He]2813-john must have seen [Mikael]74-mikael enter [the office]3076-the office and called [Jesse]306-jesse . [I]2813-john almost want to yell at [the big guy]438-the big guy , but the latest stroke [Mikael]74-mikael has pulled is the nail in the coffin for [me]2813-john and [my]2813-john employment at [Rococo Union]6-rococo union — that and the huge , mean Mafia type stomping around [the office]3076-the office . [Mikael]74-mikael does n’t need [an interior design company]2418-an interior design company . This is ridiculous , and crossing the fine line of obsessive … a bit like [[my]2813-john husband]420-my husband did . [John]2813-john looks at [me]2813-john and nods , [me]2813-john nodding back because speech still has n’t found [me]2813-john . Then [he]2813-john hands [me]2813-john the phone , and [I]2813-john look at [him]2813-john in horror . [I]2813-john ca n’t have what [I]2813-john know will be a heated conversation with [Jesse]306-jesse [here]2799-here and now . [I]2813-john push [myself]2813-john back , further into the chair , but [John]2813-john gives [me]2813-john a look to suggest that [I]2813-john ’m not going to get away with it . [Jesse]306-jesse wants to talk to [me]2813-john , and [I]2813-john know [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] going to get nowhere refusing . Nervously taking the phone , [I]2813-john stand up and leave [the room]254-the room . ‘ [Jesse]306-jesse ? ’[2813-john] ‘ What the FUCK is [he]2813-john doing there ? ’[2813-john] [he]2813-john ’s rampant , probably yanking chunks of hair from [his]2813-john head . ‘ [He]2813-john ’s bought [the company]4164-the company . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john say the words quietly and calmly , having a delusional hope that by saying it calmly , might reflect the way in which [he]2813-john deals with this . It ’s a very delusional hope . [He]2813-john ’s hyperventilating down the phone . ‘ Get [your]2813-john bag , get [John]2813-john , and leave . Do [you]2813-john hear [me]2813-john ? ’[2813-john] ‘ Yes , ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john confirm quickly , knowing [I]2813-john have no other option . ‘ Do it now while [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] on the phone . ’ ‘[2813-john] Okay , ’ [I]536-ava let [my]536-ava phone leave [my]536-ava ear and re - enter [the office]3076-the office , getting six sets of eyes pointed straight at [me]536-ava . The tension in the air is heavy . [I]536-ava pick [my]536-ava bag up and look at [John]2813-john , who nods again . ‘[536-ava] [Ava]536-ava ? ’ [Patrick]374-patrick ’s familiar , concerned voice pulls [my]2813-john eyes to [[my]2813-john boss]374-patrick , or [ex - boss]4167-ex - boss . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m sorry , [Patrick]374-patrick . [I]2813-john ca n’t work for [Rococo Union]6-rococo union anymore . ’[2813-john] ‘ Why ever not ? Exciting things will be happening . [Mikael]74-mikael has assured [me]536-ava that [you]374-patrick ’ll be made a profit sharing [director]4168-director . [I]536-ava made it part of the deal , flower . ’[536-ava] [He]536-ava ’s standing now and approaching [me]2813-john with a wrinkled brow . ‘ It ’s an amazing opportunity for [you]374-patrick . ’[536-ava] [I]2813-john smile and glance at [Mikael]74-mikael . [He]536-ava seems to be speechless [himself]536-ava now . ‘ [I]536-ava ’m[536-ava] sorry , [I]2813-john should ’ve said that [I]2813-john ca n’t work for [Mikael]74-mikael . ’ Now all eyes are on [the Dane]202-the dane . ‘[74-mikael] [Mikael]74-mikael has been actively pursuing [me]2813-john for some time . [He]536-ava wo n’t take no for an answer . ’ [I]60-sarah swing [my]60-sarah bag onto [my]60-sarah shoulder . ‘[60-sarah] [Sal]60-sarah , [he]536-ava ’s been using [you]60-sarah to keep tabs on [me]2813-john . [I]2813-john ’m sorry . ’[60-sarah] [She]60-sarah ’s hiding [her]60-sarah face , but [I]2813-john can see that [she]60-sarah ’s crying . [I]2813-john feel terrible for [her]60-sarah . ‘ Are [you]60-sarah so desperate that [you]60-sarah ’d destroy [someone]443-someone as sweet as [Sally]60-sarah ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ask [Mikael]74-mikael . ‘ Are [you]60-sarah so desperate to get revenge on a man that [you]60-sarah ’ll buy the company [[his]306-jesse wife]79-irene works for ? ’[2813-john] ‘ Revenge on [that womaniser]79-irene is just an advantage . [I]74-mikael ’ve wanted [you]60-sarah from day one . ’[74-mikael] [He]74-mikael basically confirms [Jesse]306-jesse ’s suspicions in that one sentence . ‘ [He]74-mikael does n’t deserve [you]60-sarah . ’[74-mikael] ‘ [He]74-mikael does deserve [me]2813-john , and [he]74-mikael has [me]2813-john . [He]74-mikael ’ll always have [me]2813-john . [We]4171-we ’ve fought off bigger beasts than [you]60-sarah , [Mikael]74-mikael . Nothing [you]60-sarah can tell [me]2813-john will ever sway [me]2813-john from [my]2813-john decision to be with [him]74-mikael . ’[2813-john] [My]2813-john body might be shaking , but [my]2813-john voice is steady and firm . ‘ [I]2813-john have nothing more to say to [you]374-patrick . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john turn to leave , but stop briefly at the door . ‘ [I]374-patrick ’m[374-patrick] sorry , [Patrick]374-patrick . ’ [John]2813-john follows [me]536-ava , [his]2813-john giant hand set firmly on [my]536-ava back , as if [he]2813-john ’s gaging [my]536-ava physical condition . [I]536-ava feel sad , but strangely resolute . ‘[536-ava] [Ava]536-ava , ’ The light Danish accent that [I]374-patrick used to find quite sexy , now just makes [my]374-patrick skin crawl . [John]2813-john tries to push [me]374-patrick on , but a stupid sense of curiosity has [me]374-patrick fighting against [the big guy]438-the big guy ’s strength and turning towards [Mikael]74-mikael . ‘[374-patrick] [He]374-patrick fucked [other women]3957-other women when [he]374-patrick was with [you]374-patrick , [Ava]536-ava . [He]374-patrick does n’t deserve [you]374-patrick . ’ ‘[374-patrick] [He]374-patrick does deserve [me]2813-john ! ’ [I]536-ava scream the words in [his]374-patrick face , and [he]374-patrick steps back , shocked . [John]2813-john ’s hand moves to [my]536-ava arm , but [I]536-ava shrug [him]2813-john off . ‘[536-ava] [Ava]536-ava , [girl]536-ava ? ’ ‘[536-ava] No ! [No one]548-no one gets to pass judgement on [him]374-patrick , except [me]2813-john ! [He]374-patrick ’s [mine]2813-john ! ’ [I]374-patrick ’ve forgiven [him]374-patrick , and given the chance , [I]374-patrick could probably forget . ‘[374-patrick] [You]374-patrick ’re blinded by resentment . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john say more calmly . ‘ It ’s more about [you]374-patrick . ’[2813-john] [The Dane]202-the dane flicks a cautious glance at [[my]2813-john bodyguard]2424-my bodyguard . [I]2813-john laugh and shake [my]2813-john head . ‘ No , it ’s not . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] married and preg … ’ ‘[2813-john] And [I]2813-john still want [you]374-patrick . ’ [My]2425-the girl mouth snaps shut , and [John]2813-john lets out a warning growl . ‘[2425-the girl] [The girl]2425-the girl is taken . ’ [He]202-the dane tries to manoeuvre [me]2425-the girl onwards , but [I]2425-the girl ’m[2425-the girl] fixed in place . ‘ Did [you]374-patrick drug [me]2813-john ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ask , but the horrified look that instantly invades [his]202-the dane pale face tells [me]2813-john what [I]2813-john need to know . ‘ [Ava]536-ava , [I]202-the dane would never hurt [you]374-patrick . [I]202-the dane ’ve bought this company for [you]374-patrick . ’[202-the dane] [I]2813-john shake [my]2813-john head on a disbelieving laugh . ‘ [You]374-patrick ’re[2813-john] consumed with the need for vengeance . [You]2426-you do n’t even know [me]2813-john . [We]2427-we ’ve shared no intimacy , connection or special moments . What ’s wrong with [you]2426-you ? ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john know a good thing when [I]2813-john see it , and [I]2813-john ’m prepared to fight for it . ’[2813-john] ‘ [You]374-patrick ’ll be fighting in vain . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john say calmly , ‘ And even if [you]374-patrick succeed in [your]374-patrick attempts to break [us]2427-we — which [you]374-patrick never will — [you]374-patrick could n’t have [me]2813-john afterwards . ’[2813-john] [His]2428-a selfish man skin gathers on [his]2428-a selfish man forehead when [he]2428-a selfish man frowns . ‘ Why ? ’[2428-a selfish man] ‘ Because without [him]2428-a selfish man , [I]2813-john ’d be dead . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john turn and leave [my]2813-john workplace , knowing [I]2813-john ’ll never return . [I]2813-john ’m a little sad , but knowing what ’s waiting for [me]2813-john past this point in [my]2813-john life puts the biggest smile on [my]2813-john face . * * * When [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] settled safely in [John ’s Range Rover]48-john ’s range rover and [we]2429-we ’ve pulled away from the kerb , [I]2813-john register [my]2813-john phone in [my]2813-john hand and remember that [he]2428-a selfish man ’s on the other end of the line . [I]2813-john do n’t want to hear [him]2428-a selfish man , [I]2813-john want to see [him]2428-a selfish man . ‘ [Jesse]306-jesse ? ’[2813-john] It ’s silent for a while , but [I]2813-john know [he]2428-a selfish man ’s there . [His]2428-a selfish man presence travels through the line and kisses [my]2813-john skin . ‘ [I]2428-a selfish man do n’t deserve [you]2430-you . ’[2428-a selfish man] [he]2428-a selfish man says quietly . ‘ [He]2428-a selfish man ’s right , but [I]2428-a selfish man ’m[2428-a selfish man] too selfish to give [you]2430-you up to someone who does . [We]2429-we ’ll never be broken and [you]2430-you ’ll never be without [me]2813-john , so [you]2430-you ’ll be living forever , [baby]306-jesse . ’ Tears stab at [my]306-jesse eyes and [I]306-jesse think of how grateful [I]306-jesse am that [he]2428-a selfish man is such [a selfish man]2428-a selfish man . ‘[306-jesse] Deal . ’ [I]2813-john whisper . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’ll see [you]2430-you in the bath . ’ ‘[2813-john] Deal . ’ [I]87-ruth repeat because [I]87-ruth know [I]87-ruth ’ll never manage more than one word without coughing all over [them]4173-them . [He]2428-a selfish man hangs up and [I]87-ruth lose [myself]87-ruth in thought as [I]87-ruth watch [London]3-london fly by the window . [I]87-ruth feel an amazing sense of relief . For once , there ’s complete silence in [[John]2813-john ’s car]716-his car . There ’s no humming and there ’s no taping of the steering wheel . [We]4175-we travel in a comfortable quiet back to [Lusso]95-lusso . * * * ‘[87-ruth] Let ’s get [you]2430-you in , [girl]87-ruth . ’ [John]2813-john parks up and jumps out , leaving [me]87-ruth to unbuckle and join [him]2813-john at the front of [[his]2813-john car]716-his car . ‘[87-ruth] [You]2430-you do n’t have to escort [me]2813-john in , ’ [I]306-jesse say , but [he]2813-john pulls a face that suggests [he]2813-john does . ‘[306-jesse] [Jesse]306-jesse ’s told [you]2430-you to sweep [the penthouse]3011-the penthouse , has n’t [he]306-jesse ? ’ ‘[306-jesse] Just a little check , that ’s all , [girl]87-ruth . ’ [He]306-jesse takes [my]87-ruth elbow and leads [me]87-ruth into [the foyer of [Lusso]95-lusso]598-the foyer of lusso . [I]87-ruth could complain , but [I]87-ruth do n’t bother . [He]306-jesse ’s being completely over cautious , but if it keeps [him]306-jesse and [[my]87-ruth neurotic husband]4177-my neurotic husband happy , then [I]87-ruth ’ll comply . [I]87-ruth ’m[87-ruth] surprised to see [Casey]95-lusso here , but [he]306-jesse ’s not in uniform . ‘ Hi , [Casey]95-lusso . ’[306-jesse] [I]2813-john call as [I]2813-john ’m led past , not being given a moment to converse , or maybe warn [him]306-jesse that [he]306-jesse ’s going to be facing the wrath of [Jesse]306-jesse very soon . [I]2434-me do notice how smart [he]306-jesse looks in [his]306-jesse suit , though , and [I]2434-me definitely spot the look of alarm on [his]306-jesse face at the sight of [the big guy]438-the big guy , escorting [me]2434-me . [John]2813-john has that effect on [most people]4179-most people , just like [he]2813-john did [me]2434-me . [John]2813-john punches the code in and stands back to let [me]2434-me enter [the elevator]3011-the penthouse before [he]2813-john joins [me]2434-me . [He]2813-john taps the code in again . ‘[2434-me] [You]2434-me know the code ? ’ [I]3332-the mother fucker ask , hoping to [God]306-jesse [he]2813-john does n’t know the significance of the code . [He]2813-john smiles down at [me]3332-the mother fucker , and [I]3332-the mother fucker ca n’t work out if it ’s a knowing look or not . ‘[3332-the mother fucker] [The mother fucker]3332-the mother fucker was sensible this time , but [you]2434-me ’d think [he]3332-the mother fucker would be a little bit more creative . ’ [I]536-ava cough a little , thinking just how creative [Jesse]306-jesse can be when [he]3332-the mother fucker reaches that zero . Wonderfully creative , in fact . Mind - blowingly creative . [I]536-ava need to run that bath , but as the doors of [the elevator]3011-the penthouse open , [I]536-ava uncharitably remember that it ’s early and [Cathy]1284-cathy is more than likely still faffing around [the penthouse]3011-the penthouse . Letting [us]4181-us in , [I]536-ava immediately head towards [the kitchen]3044-the kitchen and dump [my]536-ava bag on [the island]903-the island , but [I]536-ava find [no Cathy]4184-no cathy , so [I]536-ava set off [upstairs]2927-upstairs in search of [her]1284-cathy , set on relieving [her]1284-cathy for the rest of the day . ‘[536-ava] [Ava]536-ava , [girl]536-ava , ’ [John]2813-john ’s thundering footsteps come after [me]536-ava . ‘[536-ava] Let [me]2813-john check . ’ ‘[2813-john] [John]2813-john , really ? ’ [I]2813-john stop and let [him]2813-john pass . ‘[2813-john] Are [you]2813-john babysitting [me]2813-john until [Jesse]306-jesse gets [home]2904-home ? ’ [I]306-jesse truly hope not . [I]306-jesse want to have a bath before [my]306-jesse bath with [Jesse]306-jesse . ‘[306-jesse] No . Peace of mind . ’ [he]2813-john rumbles . ‘[306-jesse] Quit with the complaining . ’ [I]306-jesse recoil a little at [his]2813-john shortness , but [I]306-jesse do n’t argue with [the giant of [a man]448-a man]4186-the giant of a man . [I]306-jesse let [him]2813-john open and close doors while [I]306-jesse prop [myself]306-jesse up against the glass bannister , arms folded across [my]306-jesse chest , patiently waiting . There is no way [I]306-jesse should be whining about this , given [our]4188-our surprise visitor this morning . ‘[306-jesse] All clear , ’ ‘[203-that] [That]203-that ’s a relief , ’ [I]203-that smile , pushing [my]203-that lower back away from the glass . [John]2813-john abruptly halts , [his]2813-john eyebrows hovering somewhere between the tops of [his]2813-john shades and the top of [his]2813-john head . ‘[203-that] Do n’t back chat [me]2813-john , [girl]87-ruth . ’ [He]2813-john ’s really grumpy , just when [I]87-ruth thought [he]2813-john and [I]87-ruth had reached an understanding . ‘[87-ruth] [I]2813-john ’ll call security and get the code sorted . ’ [I]87-ruth watch [him]2813-john stomp off [downstairs]316-downstairs . ‘[87-ruth] No [Cathy]1284-cathy ? ’ [I]1284-cathy ask [his]2813-john back . ‘[1284-cathy] No [Cathy]1284-cathy . ’ [he]2813-john confirms , heading for the penthouse phone system , but [his]2813-john mobile starts ringing before [he]2813-john makes it to [the landline]4190-the landline . ‘[1284-cathy] Yes ? ’ [he]2813-john grunts , detouring into [the kitchen]3044-the kitchen . ‘[2438-we] [We]2438-we ’re here now . [Cathy]1284-cathy ’s already left , but [I]2813-john ’ll stay until [you]4192-you arrive . ’[2813-john] [His]2813-john voice is getting quieter as the distance between [us]2438-we grows , and [I]2813-john know [he]2813-john ’s talking to [Jesse]306-jesse . ‘ Blue door , needs painting . ’[2813-john] [John]2813-john says on a purposed hush . [I]2813-john can still hear perfectly , though . That ’s the disadvantage to having such a low , rumbling voice . [He]2813-john may sound menacing , but [he]2813-john ca n’t whisper for shit . ‘ [Lansdowne Terrace]199-lansdowne terrace . [I]2813-john ca n’t be sure . [I]2813-john only got a glimpse , but if it ’s not [her]1284-cathy , then [she]1284-cathy has [a doppelganger]4193-a doppelganger . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m unconsciously walking towards [John]2813-john ’s voice . [I]2813-john heard that right , so it ’s not like [I]2813-john need to gain closeness to ensure [my]2813-john ears are n’t failing [me]2813-john . But [his]2813-john attempt to keep this from [my]2813-john ear shot , coupled with the mention of [Ruth Quinn]87-ruth ’s address and the fact that [John]2813-john obviously recognises [her]87-ruth , makes [me]2813-john need to see [his]2813-john face to gage [his]2813-john expression . [I]2813-john know it ’s not going to be good , not when [he]2813-john ’s talking to [Jesse]306-jesse , which means [Jesse]306-jesse knows [Ruth Quinn]87-ruth , too . [My]2813-john blood is running colder with each step [I]2813-john take towards [John]2813-john ’s low , hushed tone . ‘[2813-john] There ’s [no one there]2439-no one there ? ’ [John]2813-john ’s pacing [the kitchen]3044-the kitchen at the far end . ‘[87-ruth] [Ruth Quinn]87-ruth . [I]2813-john already told [you]87-ruth . [I]2813-john know [my]2813-john eyesight is n’t as good as it used to be , but [I]2813-john ’d put [my]2813-john life on it . [You]2440-you need to call [the police]1873-the police , not go looking for [her]87-ruth , [[you]2440-you crazy mother fucker]2442-you crazy mother fucker . ’ [My]87-ruth blood is ice and [my]87-ruth body frozen in place as [I]87-ruth watch [John]2813-john turn slowly and register [my]87-ruth presence . [He]2813-john might be black , but [he]2813-john has definitely just paled . ‘[87-ruth] Who is [she]87-ruth ? ’ [I]306-jesse ask [him]2813-john . [His]2813-john huge chest expands and [he]2813-john reaches up to take [his]2813-john glasses off . [I]306-jesse wish [he]2813-john ’d have left them on because the rare sight of [his]2813-john eyes has just confirmed [my]306-jesse fears . [They]1873-the police are worried , and [the big guy]438-the big guy does n’t do worried . ‘[306-jesse] [Jesse]306-jesse , [you]2443-you need to get [your]2443-you arse back here . Leave it for [the police]1873-the police to deal with . ’ [John]2813-john ’s mobile leaves [his]2813-john ear , and [I]2445-i hear [Jesse]306-jesse ’s angry yell down the phone . [I]2445-i ca n’t decipher what [he]306-jesse ’s saying , but [his]306-jesse frustrated shout says a thousand words . The mention of police intervention ca n’t be good , either . ‘[2445-i] Who is [she]2445-i ? ’ [I]2445-i grate , [my]2445-i breathing starting to accelerate . [I]2445-i ’m[2445-i] anxious and panicking , but [I]2813-john do n’t know what about . [John]2813-john sighs , defeated , yet [he]2813-john still does n’t answer , instead turning [his]2813-john back on [me]2813-john . ‘ It ’s too late . [She]2445-i ’s standing right here . [You]2445-i ’d better come [home]2904-home . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john hear an angry yell , and [I]2813-john think [I]2813-john catch the sound of something hitting something , like a fist on a front door — a worn , blue front door . [I]2813-john can feel [my]2813-john patience fraying . [My]2813-john lack of knowledge in something that [I]2813-john ’m sensing [I]2446-i should know about is re - heating [my]2446-i frozen veins . [John]2813-john hands [me]2446-i the phone , and [I]2446-i do n’t delay swiping it from [his]2813-john hand . ‘[2446-i] Who is [she]2446-i ? ’ [I]2813-john remain calm and clear , but if [I]2813-john do n’t get an answer , then [I]2813-john ’ll be raging very quickly . And [I]2813-john already know that it ’ll be the blood pressure raising kind of furious . [He]2813-john ’s heaving down the phone , [his]2813-john purposeful , thumping footsteps evident in the background . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m not sure . ’[2813-john] ‘ What do [you]2813-john mean ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m shouting . [He]2813-john did n’t answer , not satisfactorily . [He]2813-john knows who [Ruth Quinn]87-ruth is . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m on [my]2813-john way [home]2904-home . [We]4198-we ’ll talk . ’[2813-john] ‘ No , tell [me]2813-john ! ’[2813-john] ‘ [Ava]536-ava , [I]2813-john did n’t want to say anything until [I]2813-john was sure it ’s [her]87-ruth . ’[2813-john] [he]2813-john says , the screeching of tyres making [me]2813-john wince . That may be so , but [John]2813-john ’s inability to whisper has screwed that plan up . ‘ [I]2813-john ’ll explain when [I]2813-john can sit [you]536-ava down . ’[2813-john] ‘ [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] not going to like this , am [I]2813-john ? ’ [I]2813-john do n’t know why [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] asking . [He]2813-john wants to sit [me]2813-john down — not a good sign . There are no good signs , in fact . Even [the big guy]438-the big guy looks all concerned by what ’s transpiring . ‘ [Baby]88-baby , please , [I]438-the big guy need to see [you]88-baby . ’[438-the big guy] ‘ [You]88-baby did n’t answer [my]2813-john question . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john remind [him]438-the big guy quietly , resting [myself]2813-john on a barstool . ‘ What else could [you]88-baby possibly have to tell [me]2813-john , [Jesse]306-jesse ? ’[2813-john] ‘ [I]438-the big guy ’ll be [home]2904-home soon . ’[438-the big guy] ‘ Will it make [me]2813-john run ? ’[2813-john] ‘ [I]2813-john ’ll be [home]2904-home soon . ’[2813-john] [he]2813-john repeats and hangs up , leaving [me]2813-john with [John]2813-john ’s phone suspended limply by [my]2813-john cheek and a stomach churning with trepidation . [I]2813-john almost want to run right now . Uncertainty , mixed with incredible fear , is pushing [me]2813-john to run away , but not to escape [him]2813-john because the thought of being without [him]2813-john sears painfully on every fragment of [my]2813-john being . But there ’s an aching pit , deep in [my]2813-john stomach that ’s telling [me]2813-john [I]2813-john should protect [myself]2813-john from whatever is about to impact on [my]2813-john life . [Our]2448-our life . The penthouse phone screeches , making [me]2813-john jump , and [John]2813-john ’s thumps [his]2813-john heavy feet across [the kitchen]3044-the kitchen , now with [his]2813-john glasses back in place . [I]2813-john wo n’t waste [my]2813-john breath trying to extract any information from [him]2813-john , even though [he]2813-john has the information that [I]2813-john need . [He]2813-john returns to [the kitchen]3044-the kitchen , looking too fraught for [such a menacing man]2450-such a menacing man . Now [I]2813-john ’m really worried . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m needed [downstairs]316-downstairs . [You]2450-such a menacing man ’ll lock the door behind [me]2813-john and [you]2450-such a menacing man wo n’t answer it unless [I]2813-john call [you]2450-such a menacing man to say it ’s [me]2813-john . Where ’s [your]2450-such a menacing man phone ? ’[2813-john] ‘ What ’s happening ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john stand , starting to shake . ‘ Where ’s [your]2450-such a menacing man phone ? ’[2813-john] [he]2813-john presses , taking [his]2813-john own from [my]2813-john trembling hand . ‘ In [my]2813-john bag . [John]2813-john , tell [me]2813-john . ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john helps [himself]2813-john , tipping the contents of [my]2813-john bag out and quickly locating [my]2813-john mobile . [He]2813-john sits it neatly on [the island]903-the island and picks [me]2813-john up , placing [me]2813-john gently on the stool . ‘ [Ava]536-ava , now is n’t the time to argue with [me]2813-john . There ’s [someone the concierge]4201-someone the concierge is suspicious of and [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] just going to check it out . It ’s probably nothing . ’ [I]2813-john do n’t believe [him]2813-john . Nothing suggests [I]2813-john should ; not the tone of [his]2813-john voice or [his]2813-john body language . Everything is suggesting that [I]2813-john should be terrified , and [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] beginning to feel it . ‘ Okay , ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john agree reluctantly . After nodding and squeezing [my]2813-john shoulder affectionately , [he]2813-john carries [his]2813-john big body from [the kitchen]663-the bedroom , and [I]2813-john soon hear the front door close , leaving [me]2813-john still shaking and with a racing mind . [I]2813-john ’m failing on every level to calm [myself]2813-john down . [I]2813-john just want [Jesse]306-jesse . [I]2813-john do n’t care what [he]2813-john ’s got to tell [me]2813-john , [I]2813-john do n’t give a damn . [I]2813-john clench [my]2813-john phone and run up [the stairs]3122-the stairs to [the bedroom]663-the bedroom , quickly locating the key to [[Jesse]306-jesse ’s office]455-jesse ’s office from [my]2813-john underwear drawer before rushing back down and making quick work of unlocking the door . [I]2813-john know [I]2813-john ’ll feel better when [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] sitting in [his]2453-his big office chair , like [he]2453-his ’s wrapped around [me]2813-john in a sense . [I]2813-john burst through the door , frenzied and out of breath , only to be met by [a woman]464-dan , who ’s standing in the middle of [the room]254-the room , staring at [my]2813-john wall . [Ruth Quinn]87-ruth . [My]2813-john legs buckle , making [me]2813-john stagger forward and [my]2813-john heart stops in [my]2813-john chest . But [my]2813-john dramatic entrance and gasp of shock does n’t seem to faze [her]87-ruth . [She]87-ruth maintains [her]87-ruth rapt stare , not giving [me]2813-john a second glance . [She]87-ruth ’s spellbound and if it was n’t for [Jesse]306-jesse and [John]2813-john ’s recent words and reactions to [this woman]464-dan , then [I]2813-john would be thinking that [she]87-ruth not only has a crush on [me]2813-john , but [she]87-ruth is insanely obsessed . Too much time has passed before [my]2813-john brain registers that [I]2813-john should be running , but when [I]2813-john slowly start stepping backwards , [she]87-ruth looks at [me]2813-john . [She]87-ruth looks hollow , not [the usual bright eyed , fresh skinned woman who [I]2813-john ’ve become used to]464-dan . It has only been a few hours since [I]2813-john ’ve seen [her]87-ruth , but [you]2456-you would think it was years . ‘ Do n’t bother . ’[87-ruth] [Her]87-ruth voice is cold and carrying an air of loathing , and it immediately eliminates any thoughts [I]2813-john had that [this woman]464-dan is crushing on [me]2813-john . Now [I]2813-john know , with absolute certainty , that [she]464-dan hates [me]2813-john . ‘ The lift will be out of action and [Casey]95-lusso will stop [you]4204-you on [the stairs]3122-the stairs . ’[464-dan] [I]2813-john might be in shock , but those words register loud and clear . So does the mental flash back of [Casey]95-lusso in [his]95-lusso suit … and in the CCTV footage from the night [I]2813-john was drugged . [I]2813-john even manage to ask [myself]2813-john the sensible question of how the hell [she]464-dan got in [the penthouse]3011-the penthouse , let alone [[Jesse]306-jesse ’s office]455-jesse ’s office . Then [she]464-dan ’s dangling a bunch of keys in front of [her]464-dan . ‘ [He]306-jesse made it too easy . ’[464-dan] [She]464-dan throws them on [Jesse]306-jesse ’s desk , and [my]2813-john eyes follow [their]2459-they path until [they]2459-they clatter and eventually still . [I]2813-john do n’t recognise the set , but [I]2813-john ’m not stupid enough to wonder what [they]2459-they ’re[2813-john] for . ‘ [[Your]306-jesse husband]2786-mr ’s stupidity and [[my]464-dan lover]2786-mr ’s desperate need to make [me]464-dan happy has almost made this boring . ’[464-dan] [She]464-dan looks back to the wall . The Ava wall . ‘ [I]464-dan think [he]2786-mr ’s a little obsessed with [you]306-jesse . ’[464-dan] [I]2813-john remain exactly where [I]2813-john am , racing through [my]2813-john options . [I]2813-john have none . No escape , no chance of [anyone]2929-anyone getting to [me]2813-john and with [the new concierge keeping guard]2461-the new concierge keeping guard , [I]2813-john ’m helpless . The tip of [her]464-dan finger meets the wall where [Jesse]306-jesse has written something . ‘[2813-john] [My]2813-john heart started beating again ? ’ [She]464-dan laughs , a cold , sinister laugh , increasing [my]306-jesse already potent unease . ‘[306-jesse] [Jesse Ward]306-jesse , [the obnoxious , woman using , arsehole is in love , married and now expecting twins]306-jesse ? How perfect . ’ [She]464-dan does n’t mean that , but [she]464-dan definitely meant what came before . [I]464-dan ’m[464-dan] facing [another scorned ex - lover]464-dan , but [this one]644-this one is on a whole new level . [She]464-dan hates [him]464-dan , and in turn , hates [me]2813-john . Frightening clarity , plus the way [she]464-dan has now turned and is staring at [my]2813-john stomach , informs [me]2813-john that [she]464-dan also hates [[our]2464-our growing babies]2465-our growing babies . [My]2813-john fear has just catapulted to the highest level , and [I]2813-john know for certain that [me]2813-john and [[my]2813-john babies]1517-my babies are in grave danger . [I]2813-john acknowledge [her]464-dan getting closer , but [I]2813-john do n’t acknowledge that [I]2813-john ’m moving too . Not fast enough , though , because [she]464-dan is in front of [me]2467-my in seconds and now stroking [my]2467-my stomach thoughtfully . Then [she]464-dan draws [her]464-dan hand back and punches [me]2467-my . [I]2467-my scream , [my]2467-my body folding over protectively , [my]2467-my arms wrapping around [my]2467-my tummy , instinctively trying to protect [[my]2467-my babies]1517-my babies . [She]464-dan ’s screaming , too , grabbing at [my]2467-my hair and yanking [me]2467-my from [[Jesse]306-jesse ’s office]455-jesse ’s office into the openness of [the penthouse]3011-the penthouse . ‘[2467-my] [You]2467-my should have left [him]2467-my . ’ [she]464-dan shouts , pushing [me]2467-my to the floor and kicking [me]2467-my accurately . Pain slices through [me]2467-my and [my]2467-my eyes tear up , flowing freely . If [I]2467-my could get [my]2467-my mind past the incredible pain and shock , then [I]2467-my think [I]2467-my could find the strength to find [my]2467-my anger . [She]464-dan ’s trying to kill [[our]4209-our children]1497-our children . ‘[2467-my] What is it about [the immoral bastard that has [you]2467-my hanging around]2468-the immoral bastard that has you hanging around , [[you]2467-my pathetic bitch]2468-the immoral bastard that has you hanging around ! ’ [She]464-dan pulls [me]2468-the immoral bastard that has you hanging around to [my]2468-the immoral bastard that has you hanging around feet and slaps [me]2468-the immoral bastard that has you hanging around around the face , but the raging sting and flaming skin wo n’t pull [my]2468-the immoral bastard that has you hanging around arms from [my]2468-the immoral bastard that has you hanging around stomach , nothing will , not even the need to fly back at [her]464-dan . [I]2468-the immoral bastard that has you hanging around even have [my]2468-the immoral bastard that has you hanging around phone in [my]2468-the immoral bastard that has you hanging around hand still , but [I]2468-the immoral bastard that has you hanging around ca n’t risk giving [her]464-dan clear access to [my]2468-the immoral bastard that has you hanging around stomach . [My]2468-the immoral bastard that has you hanging around overloaded brain is urgently trying to guide [me]2468-the immoral bastard that has you hanging around , give [me]2468-the immoral bastard that has you hanging around instruction , but all [I]2468-the immoral bastard that has you hanging around can think to do is accept [her]464-dan derangement and pray that [all three of [us]4211-all three of us]4211-all three of us come safely out the other end . If [I]2468-the immoral bastard that has you hanging around ’ve ever thought that [I]2468-the immoral bastard that has you hanging around might have been in hell , then this moment is proving [me]2468-the immoral bastard that has you hanging around wrong . This is below the lowest level of the underworld . [Her]464-dan fist connects with [my]2468-the immoral bastard that has you hanging around forearm on an angered , frenzied scream and [my]2468-the immoral bastard that has you hanging around body concaves on a frightened , painful one . [I]2468-the immoral bastard that has you hanging around ’m[2468-the immoral bastard that has you hanging around] not going to get through this . [I]2813-john ’m nowhere near dead , but the look in [her]464-dan eyes through [my]2813-john hazy vision tells [me]2813-john [she]464-dan wo n’t stop until [I]2813-john am . [She]464-dan ’s demented . Completely unhinged . What the hell did [he]464-dan do to [this woman]464-dan ? The front door crashes open and [she]464-dan ’s suddenly gone from in front of [me]2813-john . [I]2813-john struggle to turn , still clutching at [my]2813-john stomach , still crying in agony . [I]2813-john see [her]464-dan back disappear into [the kitchen]3044-the kitchen , and then [my]2813-john pouring eyes land on [Jesse]306-jesse . [His]306-jesse whole body is heaving . [He]306-jesse ’s run up [the stairs]3122-the stairs , and [his]306-jesse fist is visibly swollen . [His]306-jesse frantic eyes are running all over [my]2813-john body , [his]306-jesse forehead is pouring with sweat and [his]306-jesse face is a mixture of pure , raw terror and incensed , body shaking anger . It takes [him]306-jesse a few moments to gather [himself]306-jesse , and [I]2813-john can see [he]306-jesse ’s torn between tending to [me]2813-john or dealing with [the crazy woman who ’s broken into [[our]4215-our home]2317-our home]4214-the crazy woman who ’s broken into our home . [I]2813-john ca n’t talk , but [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] mentally screaming at [him]2469-him to do the latter . A choked sob escapes [my]2813-john mouth , prompting [him]2469-him to shake further then break into a full on sprint into [the kitchen]254-the room . [My]2813-john feet instinctively fly into action , and wisely or not , [I]2813-john follow [him]2469-him . Now every modicum of fear is for [him]2469-him . [I]2813-john skid to a halt , seeing [Jesse]306-jesse standing across [the room]254-the room , then [I]2813-john quickly locate [Ruth]87-ruth across the breakfast bar from [him]2469-him . [We]2471-my ’re standing in a perfect triangle , all breathing heavy , all flicking eyes to each other , but [Ruth]87-ruth is the only one brandishing a knife . [My]2471-my phone drops from [my]2471-my hand , clattering loudly , but it does n’t draw [her]87-ruth attention . The huge blade glimmers as [she]87-ruth turns it casually in [her]87-ruth hand . It ’s pointed in [my]2471-my direction , but the sight of the evil , razor sharp metal does n’t just make [my]2471-my fear rocket . It also makes [my]2471-my eyes fall onto [Jesse]306-jesse ’s abdomen in horror . ‘[2471-my] Oh [my]2813-john God , ’ [I]2813-john whisper , so quietly [I]2813-john know that [I]2813-john ’ve not been heard over the distressed rush of breaths coming from all three bodies in [the room]254-the room . [He]2469-him said that it happened in [the car]709-the car accident . That ’s what [he]2469-him said . [I]2813-john search for [my]2813-john brain , trying to locate the exact words , but [I]2813-john do n’t find [them]4219-them because [they]4219-them ’re[2813-john] not there . What ’s there , though , is the silent conclusion that [I]2813-john drew [myself]2813-john . [I]2813-john ’m horribly mistaken in [my]2813-john assumption , but [I]2813-john also doubt [he]2469-him would ’ve divulged the real reason — the reason that is standing here now , playing threateningly with a knife — a knife [I]2813-john know that [she]4220-she ’s prepared to use . [I]2813-john do n’t think anything else [I]2813-john could face will terrify [me]2813-john more . Now [all four of [us]4221-all four of us]4221-all four of us are in danger . ‘[2813-john] Nice to see [you]2472-you , [Jesse]306-jesse . ’ [she]4220-she spits , steadying [her]4220-she stance by shifting [her]4220-she feet further apart . [She]4220-she ’s getting ready to pounce . ‘[306-jesse] No , it ’s not . ’ [Jesse]306-jesse replies calmly through [his]306-jesse laboured breathing . ‘[306-jesse] Why are [you]2472-you [here]2799-here ? ’ [She]4220-she smiles coldly . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john was happy to let [you]2472-you wallow in misery , drink [your]2472-you life away , and try to fill the void that [you]2472-you created by mindlessly fucking about , but then [you]2472-you went and fell in love . [I]2813-john ca n’t let [you]2472-you have happiness when [you]2472-you ’ve destroyed [mine]2813-john . ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’ve paid tenfold for [my]2813-john mistakes , [Lauren]204-lauren . ’ [His]306-jesse referral to [Ruth]87-ruth has [my]2813-john head snapping from the shiny blade to [Jesse]306-jesse ’s sweaty face . [Lauren]204-lauren ? ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john deserve this . ’ It ’s almost a plea , and it slices straight through [my]2813-john heart . [He]306-jesse ’s trying to convince [himself]306-jesse that [he]306-jesse deserves [me]2813-john and the thought of [him]306-jesse seeking approval from [this deranged woman]4222-this deranged woman momentarily makes [me]2813-john forget about the dull ache in [my]2813-john stomach and the heated sting of [my]2813-john face . [I]2813-john feel anger simmering . ‘[2813-john] No [you]2474-you do n’t . [You]2474-you took [my]2813-john happiness , so [I]2813-john ’ll take [yours]2474-you . ’ [She]4222-this deranged woman waves the knife at [me]2474-you and [Jesse]306-jesse shifts nervously , [his]306-jesse haunted greens flicking over to [me]2474-you briefly before settling back on [Ruth]87-ruth — or [Lauren]204-lauren . [I]2474-you do n’t even know . ‘[2474-you] [I]2813-john did n’t take [your]2474-you happiness . ’ ‘[2474-you] Yes ! ’ [She]4222-this deranged woman screams . ‘[2474-you] [You]2474-you married [me]2813-john , and then left [me]2813-john ! ’ [I]2474-you gasp and swing [my]2474-you eyes to [Jesse]306-jesse . [He]306-jesse ’s chewing [his]306-jesse lip , [his]306-jesse eyes darting constantly between [me]2474-you and … [[his]306-jesse ex - wife]4223-his ex - wife ? [He]306-jesse was married ? [I]2474-you ’m[2474-you] choking on nothing , [my]2813-john mind racing in circles and failing to comprehend what [I]2813-john ’ve just heard . [Ruth]87-ruth looks at [me]2813-john , snapping instantly from [her]87-ruth angry outburst and smiling . ‘ [You]87-ruth did n’t know ? Well , there ’s a surprise . It might also explain why [you]87-ruth ’ve stuck around . ’[87-ruth] [Her]87-ruth smugness teamed with [Jesse]306-jesse ’s despair cripples [me]2813-john completely . ‘ Nothing can break [us]4224-us . ’[306-jesse] [My]2813-john words travel through the air and wipe the smile from [her]87-ruth face , but [they]2475-they also make [Jesse]306-jesse noticeably tense . [I]2813-john hold [his]306-jesse wary gaze and determine from the emptiness in [them]2475-they that [he]306-jesse disagrees . [My]2813-john head starts shaking mildly , [my]2813-john bottom lip trembling . The feeling of [my]2813-john palm sliding across [my]2813-john stomach is comforting , but the look on [his]306-jesse face is n’t . [His]306-jesse eyes fall from [mine]2813-john to [my]2813-john navel and a wave of desperation travels slowly across [his]306-jesse face . ‘ [I]306-jesse ’m[306-jesse] so sorry , ’ [he]306-jesse murmurs . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john should have told [you]2813-john . ’ [He]306-jesse really has saved the best shocker till last , but [I]2813-john do n’t care . [I]2813-john mean it . Nothing can break [us]4225-our . ‘[2813-john] It does n’t matter . ’ [I]2813-john try to assure [him]306-jesse , but [I]2813-john can see defeatism swallowing [him]306-jesse up . ‘[2813-john] It does matter . ’ [Ruth]87-ruth spits , pulling both of [our]4225-our attention away from [each other]3052-each other and back to the knife wielding , [psychotic bitch who has invaded [our]4225-our lives]4227-psychotic bitch who has invaded our lives . ‘[2476-she] [She]2476-she knows nothing , does [she]2476-she ? ’ [I]2476-she hope [she]2476-she ’s mistaken . [I]2476-she hope [Jesse]306-jesse nods and explains that [I]2476-she know everything . [The Manor]226-the manor , the drinking , now [her]2476-she … everything , But [his]306-jesse head starts to shake , quadrupling [my]2476-she uncertainties . ‘[2476-she] [She]2476-she does n’t know about [[our]2477-our daughter]2478-our daughter ? ’ [The room]254-the room starts to spin , and [Jesse]306-jesse ’s goes to move . ‘[2476-she] Stay where [you]2479-you are ! ’ [Ruth]87-ruth shouts , flicking the knife to [him]536-ava . ‘[536-ava] [Ava]536-ava … ’ [He]536-ava desperately needs to get to [me]536-ava . [I]536-ava know [I]536-ava ’m[536-ava] swaying on the spot as [I]2813-john try to let that information sink in . [He]536-ava has [a daughter]2478-our daughter ? [My]2813-john life is ending here and now . That tips the iceberg of shocks from [this man]536-ava . [He]536-ava ’s trying to compensate for [his]536-ava lack of involvement in [her]2478-our daughter life . ‘ Yes , [we]4230-we were married and [he]536-ava left [me]2478-our daughter when [I]2478-our daughter was pregnant . ’[2478-our daughter] [she]2478-our daughter spits . ‘ [I]2478-our daughter was forced to marry [you]4231-you because [you]4231-you were pregnant . [I]2478-our daughter did n’t want to and [you]4231-you knew it . [We]4230-we were seventeen years old , [Lauren]204-lauren . [We]4230-we fooled around one time . ’[2478-our daughter] [His]536-ava voice is broken and unsure , like [he]536-ava ’s trying to reassure [himself]536-ava that [he]536-ava did the right thing . ‘ Do n’t blame [your]4231-you decision on [[your]4231-you parents]502-your parents ! ’[2478-our daughter] [She]2478-our daughter ’s burning with fury again , [her]2478-our daughter hand shaking uncontrollably . ‘ ‘[2478-our daughter] [I]2813-john was trying to right [my]2813-john wrongs . [I]2813-john was trying to make [them]2480-them happy . ’ [The room]254-the room is still spinning wildly , while [I]2813-john try to piece together what [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] hearing . [I]2813-john ca n’t make any sense of it , especially now when [I]2813-john ’m in such a hazardous situation . Through [my]2813-john confusion and alarm , [I]2813-john do , however , realise the importance of keeping [myself]2813-john safe . [I]2813-john need to get out of here . [I]2813-john start to back away , hoping [her]2478-our daughter attention and anger will remain on [Jesse]306-jesse as [I]2813-john quietly attempt [my]2813-john escape . [I]2813-john know this is going to end with [her]2478-our daughter gunning for [me]2813-john , not [Jesse]306-jesse . [She]2478-our daughter wants to punish [him]2481-him , and [she]2478-our daughter ’s going to do that by making [him]2481-him live without [me]2813-john . [She]2478-our daughter ’s got it all worked out and so have [I.]2813-john ‘[2813-john] Do n’t move ! ’ [She]2478-our daughter screams , halting [me]2813-john dead in [my]2813-john tracks . ‘[2813-john] Do n’t even THINK about trying to leave because this knife will be in [him]2481-him before [you]2482-you make it out the door . ’ That threat foils [my]2482-you plan completely . ‘[2482-you] [You]2482-you ’ve not even heard the best part , so it would be nice if [you]2482-you stick around to hear [me]2813-john out . ’ ‘[204-lauren] [Lauren]204-lauren , ’ [he]2481-him grates in warning . [She]2478-our daughter laughs , a sly , delighted laugh . ‘[204-lauren] What ? [You]2482-you do n’t want [me]2813-john to tell [[your]2482-you young , pregnant wife]2478-our daughter that [you]2478-our daughter killed [[our]2484-our daughter]2478-our daughter ? ’ [He]2481-him ’s moving fast now , nothing will stop [him]2481-him , and [I]204-lauren know it ’s because [I]204-lauren ’m[204-lauren] swaying , set on free - falling to the ground . [My]2813-john world has just exploded , splintering into a million pieces along with [my]2813-john overloaded mind . But [I]2813-john register [her]2478-our daughter moving too . [I]2813-john register the knife coursing towards [me]2813-john fast and with absolute intent . And [I]2813-john also register [Jesse]306-jesse coming between [me]2813-john and the blade . [He]306-jesse manages to break [my]2813-john fall before tackling [Ruth]87-ruth to the floor and punching [her]87-ruth straight in the face on an infuriated roar . [She]87-ruth laughs . [The psychotic bitch]2485-the psychotic bitch just laughs , goading [him]2485-the psychotic bitch , pushing [him]2485-the psychotic bitch on with [her]2485-the psychotic bitch hysterical fit of amusement . ‘ [I]2485-the psychotic bitch did n’t kill [[our]4234-our daughter]2478-our daughter ! ’[2485-the psychotic bitch] [he]2485-the psychotic bitch punches [her]2485-the psychotic bitch again , the sound of [his]2485-the psychotic bitch fist colliding with [her]2485-the psychotic bitch joyful face sending shockwaves through [me]2813-john . ‘ [You]2478-our daughter did . The moment [she]2485-the psychotic bitch got in [that car]4236-that car [you]2478-our daughter sent [her]2485-the psychotic bitch to [her]2485-the psychotic bitch death . ’[2485-the psychotic bitch] ‘ It was n’t [my]2485-the psychotic bitch fault ! ’[2485-the psychotic bitch] [He]2485-the psychotic bitch ’s straddling [her]2485-the psychotic bitch , trying to control [her]2485-the psychotic bitch flailing hands . ‘ [Carmichael]323-carmichael should never have taken [[our]4234-our daughter]2478-our daughter . [You]2478-our daughter should ’ve been watching [her]2478-our daughter ! [I]306-jesse spent five years in [a padded cell]4237-a padded cell . [I]306-jesse ’ve spent twenty years wishing [I]306-jesse ’d never let [you]2478-our daughter see [her]2478-our daughter . [You]2478-our daughter left [me]306-jesse without [you]2478-our daughter , then [you]2478-our daughter killed the only piece of [you]2478-our daughter that [I]306-jesse had left ! [I]306-jesse ’ll never let [you]2478-our daughter replace [her]2478-our daughter ! [No one else]1189-no one else gets a piece of [you]2478-our daughter ! ’[306-jesse] [Jesse]306-jesse roars and with a last reinforced swing of [his]306-jesse fist , [he]306-jesse knocks [her]2486-her out cold . [I]2813-john ’m scrambling into a sitting position , watching [his]306-jesse whole body convulsing with exhaustion and anger . [I]2813-john heard and fully comprehended every single word that [they]4239-they just shouted at each other , and [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] shocked , but [I]2813-john ’m more sad than anything else . Every tiny little piece of pure craziness [I]2813-john have endured since meeting [this man]306-jesse has just been justified . All of [his]306-jesse overprotectiveness , unreasonable worry , and neurotic behaviour have just been explained . [He]306-jesse does n’t think [he]306-jesse deserves happiness , and [he]306-jesse has been protecting [me]2813-john . But [he]306-jesse ’s been protecting [me]2813-john from [himself]306-jesse and the darkness of [his]306-jesse history . It was n’t [him]306-jesse in [that car]4236-that car with [Carmichael]323-carmichael . It was [[his]306-jesse daughter]323-carmichael . All of [the people [he]306-jesse has truly loved throughout [his]306-jesse life]4241-the people he has truly loved throughout his life have died tragically , and [he]306-jesse thinks [he]306-jesse is responsible for each and [every one of [them]4241-the people he has truly loved throughout his life]4242-every one of them . [My]2813-john heart bleeds for [this man]222-this man . ‘[2813-john] Nothing will break [us]2487-us . ’ [I]2813-john sob , trying to stand , but not making it past [my]2813-john knees . [He]222-this man thought this would but it wo n’t . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] relieved . In fact , every little thing is making perfect sense to [me]2813-john now . [He]222-this man heaves [his]222-this man tall body up from the floor and turns foggy green , tormented eyes on [me]2813-john . ‘ [I]222-this man ’m[222-this man] so so sorry . ’ [His]222-this man chin is trembling as [he]222-this man starts to walk towards [me]222-this man . ‘[222-this man] It does n’t matter . ’ [I]222-this man assure [him]222-this man . ‘[222-this man] Nothing matters , ’ [I]222-this man hold [my]222-this man arms out to [him]222-this man , desperate for [him]222-this man to know that [I]222-this man accept [him]222-this man and [his]222-this man history , no matter how shocking and dark it might be . A sense of serenity travels between [our]4243-our bodies , like a silent , mutual understanding as [I]222-this man wait for [him]222-this man to get to [me]222-this man . [My]222-this man impatience is growing . [He]222-this man ’s taking too long , seeming to get slower and slower with each step [he]222-this man takes until [he]222-this man collapses to [his]222-this man knee on a strangled gasp and clenches [his]222-this man stomach on a hiss . [My]222-this man confused eyes search [his]222-this man face for some clue of what is wrong , but then [he]222-this man pulls [his]222-this man jacket back , revealing a blood soaked shirt and the knife submerged in [his]222-this man side . ‘[222-this man] NO ! ’ [I]306-jesse scream , finding [my]306-jesse feet and rushing to [his]222-this man side . [My]306-jesse hand hovers over the handle of the knife , not knowing what to do . ‘[306-jesse] Oh God ! [Jesse]306-jesse ! ’ [He]222-this man falls back , choking , [his]222-this man palm patting at [his]222-this man wound around the blade . ‘[306-jesse] Oh God , no no no no no . please no ! ’ [I]306-jesse collapse to [my]306-jesse knees , all searing pain in [my]306-jesse stomach and across [my]306-jesse face being shifted straight to [my]306-jesse chest . [I]306-jesse ’m[306-jesse] struggling to breathe . [I]2813-john pull [his]306-jesse head up onto [my]2813-john lap and madly stroke [his]306-jesse face . [His]306-jesse greens are getting heavy . ‘ Do n’t close [your]306-jesse eyes , [Jesse]306-jesse . ’[306-jesse] [I]2813-john shout , frenzied . ‘ [Baby]88-baby , keep [your]306-jesse eyes open . Look at [me]306-jesse . ’[306-jesse] [He]306-jesse drags them open , the effort clear . [He]306-jesse ’s panting , trying to get words out , but [I]2813-john shush [him]306-jesse , resting [my]2813-john lips on [his]306-jesse forehead , crying hysterically . ‘ [Ava]536-ava … ’[2813-john] ‘ Shhh , ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john gain a second of rationality and start riffling through the inside pocket of [his]306-jesse jacket , quickly locating [his]306-jesse phone . It takes three scrambled attempts to key in the same number three times , and then [I]2813-john ’m screaming down the phone , shouting instructions and begging [the woman]60-sarah on the other end to hurry . [She]60-sarah tries to calm [me]306-jesse down , [she]60-sarah tries to give [me]306-jesse instructions , but [I]306-jesse ca n’t hear [her]60-sarah . [I]306-jesse hang up , too distracted by [Jesse]306-jesse ’s paling face . [He]306-jesse looks grey , [his]306-jesse body is completely limp and [his]306-jesse dry lips are parted , wheezing in shallow breaths . [His]306-jesse laboured breathing does n’t blank out the eerie silence surrounding [us]4245-us , though . ‘[306-jesse] [Jesse]306-jesse , open [your]306-jesse eyes ! ’ [I]306-jesse yell . ‘[306-jesse] Do n’t [you]306-jesse dare leave [me]2813-john ! [I]2813-john ’ll be crazy mad if [you]306-jesse leave [me]2813-john ! ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ca n’t … ’ [His]306-jesse body jerks as [his]306-jesse eyes close . ‘[306-jesse] [Jesse]306-jesse ! ’ [He]306-jesse opens again and [his]306-jesse arm tries in vain to lift , but [he]306-jesse gives up , letting it flop back down to the floor . [I]306-jesse ca n’t stand the sound of [him]306-jesse struggling to breathe , so [I]306-jesse grab [his]306-jesse phone and dial [my]306-jesse mobile , hearing [Angel]57-angel start from a few feet away . [I]306-jesse rock [him]306-jesse , unable to control [my]306-jesse sobbing . Every time [my]306-jesse phone stops , [I]306-jesse dial again , repeating over and over and over , the sound of [his]306-jesse track dulling down the sound of [his]306-jesse raspy wheezes . [He]306-jesse ’s staring blankly up at [me]306-jesse . There ’s nothing in [his]306-jesse eyes . [I]306-jesse search for anything , but there ’s nothing . ‘[306-jesse] Unbreakable . ’ [he]306-jesse murmurs , [his]306-jesse eyes getting heavy until [he]306-jesse loses the battle to keep them open . ‘[306-jesse] [Jesse]306-jesse , please . Open [your]306-jesse eyes , ’ [I]306-jesse desperately try to part [them]4246-them . ‘[306-jesse] OPEN ! ’ [I]306-jesse scream the word at [him]306-jesse , but [I]306-jesse ’m[306-jesse] pleading to nothing . [I]2813-john ’m losing [him]306-jesse . And [I]2813-john know this because [my]2813-john own heart in slowing , too . Chapter 33 [I]2813-john have n’t looked into those eyes for two weeks . It ’s been the longest two weeks of [my]2813-john life . Any notions of desolation or misery that have come before this point in [my]2813-john life have been trampled all over by the feelings crippling [me]2813-john right now . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] lost . [I]2813-john ’m helpless . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] missing the most important part of [me]2813-john . [My]2813-john only comfort has come from seeing [his]2813-john peaceful face and feeling [his]2813-john warm skin . Four days ago , [the doctor]3089-the doctor removed [his]2813-john breathing apparatus . [I]2813-john can see [him]2813-john better now , all bearded and pasty , but [he]2813-john refuses to wake up , even though [he]2813-john surprised [them]2490-them by breathing on [his]2813-john own , albeit shallow and strained . The blade sliced clean through [his]2813-john side , puncturing [his]2813-john stomach , and [his]2813-john lung collapsed during surgery , complicating matters . [He]2813-john has two perfect mars on [his]2813-john perfect torso now , the new one a neat slice , rather than the jagged mess that [she]2774-kate made of [him]2813-john the last time . [I]2813-john ’ve watched it be re - dressed daily and watched [them]2490-them drain the build - up of blood and nastiness from behind the wound . [I]2813-john ’m used to it already , the imperfection a horrid reminder of the worse day of [my]2813-john life , but now another part of [him]2813-john to love . [I]2813-john ’ve not once left [his]2813-john bedside . [I]2813-john ’ve showered in seconds when [[my]2813-john mum]2774-kate physically put [me]2813-john in [there]3681-there , but each time [I]2813-john ’ve made [her]2774-kate swear to scream if [he]2813-john stirs . [He]2813-john has n’t . [I]2813-john ’ve been told each day by [the same doctor]4248-the same doctor and [surgeon]4249-surgeon that it ’s a waiting game . [He]2813-john ’s strong and [he]2813-john ’s healthy , so [he]2813-john has the best chance , but [I]2813-john ca n’t see an improvement since [they]4250-they left [him]2813-john to breathe on [his]2813-john own . Not one hour passes without [me]2813-john begging [him]2813-john to wake up . Not a minute passes without [me]2813-john kissing [him]2813-john somewhere , hoping the feel of [my]2813-john lips on [his]2813-john skin will spark something . It has n’t . Each day , [my]2813-john heart slows more , [my]2813-john eyes become sorer and [my]2813-john tummy is growing larger . Each time [I]2813-john take a split second to look down at [myself]2813-john , [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] reminded that [[my]2813-john babies]1517-my babies may never meet [[their]1517-my babies father]3545-their father , and that is an injustice far too cruel to accept . ‘ Wake up . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john demand quietly , [my]2813-john tears beginning to roll again . ‘ [[You]2813-john stubborn man]2813-john ! ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john hear the door open and turn to see [[my]2813-john mum]2774-kate through [my]2813-john hazy vision . ‘ Why wo n’t [he]2813-john wake up , [Mum]246-mum ? ’[2774-kate] [She]2774-kate ’s at [my]2813-john side in a second , working around [my]2813-john refusal to move so [she]2774-kate can hug [me]2813-john . ‘ [He]2813-john ’s healing , [darling]2813-john . [He]2813-john needs to heal . ’[2774-kate] ‘ It ’s been too long . [I]2813-john need [him]2813-john to wake up . [I]2813-john miss [him]2813-john . ’[2813-john] [My]2813-john shoulders start to shake and [my]2813-john head collapses onto the bed in hopelessness . ‘ Oh , [Ava]536-ava . ’[2813-john] [[My]2813-john mum]2774-kate is despairing , feeling helpless and useless , but [I]2813-john ca n’t make [anyone]2929-anyone else feel better when [I]2813-john ’m in desolation [myself]536-ava . ‘[536-ava] [Ava]536-ava , [darling]536-ava , [you]536-ava need to eat . ’ [she]2774-kate says softly , encouraging [me]536-ava to lift from the bed . ‘[536-ava] Come on now . ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m not hungry . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john insist defiantly . ‘ [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] making a list of [your]536-ava disobediences , and [I]2813-john ’ll be telling [Jesse]306-jesse about each and [every one of [them]4242-every one of them]4242-every one of them when [he]4242-every one of them comes round . ’ [she]2774-kate threatens , [her]2774-kate own voice quivering as [she]2774-kate presents [me]3515-beatrice with a light boxed salad . [I]3515-beatrice know [I]3515-beatrice ’ll get nowhere refusing this , but the silly notion that eating will please [him]4242-every one of them is the only reason [I]3515-beatrice open the box with one hand and start picking at the cherry tomatoes . ‘[3515-beatrice] [Beatrice]3515-beatrice and [Henry]152-amalie have just arrived , [darling]56-darling . ’ [Mum]246-mum ’s voice is wary , but [I]56-darling ’m[56-darling] past the contempt [I]2813-john feel for [[Jesse]306-jesse ’s parents]1475-his parents . [I]2813-john have no room for any feelings , except grief . ‘ Can [they]2499-they come in ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john selfishly want to refuse . [I]2813-john want [him]306-jesse all to [myself]2813-john , but [I]2813-john could n’t prevent the papers from splashing the news of a stabbing all over [London]3-london . News travels fast , even across [Europe]51-europe . [They]2499-they arrived two days after [Jesse]306-jesse was admitted , [[his]306-jesse mum]1478-his mum and [sister]2501-sister emotional wrecks and [[his]306-jesse dad]3849-his dad just silently looking on . [I]2813-john could detect the regret in [his]306-jesse blank face , which is scarily similar to [Jesse]306-jesse ’s . [I]2813-john heard all of the explanations , but [they]2499-they did n’t really sink in . In the endless , quiet time [I]2813-john ’ve had , just sitting here with nothing to do but cry and think , [I]2813-john ’ve drawn [my]2813-john own conclusion . [My]2813-john conclusion is simple : [Jesse]306-jesse ’s own guilt for many tragic things that have happened in [his]306-jesse life has pushed [[his]306-jesse parents]1475-his parents away . [They]2499-they may have been a contributing factor , with [their]2499-they pushy ways and demands for [his]306-jesse cooperation , but with common sense and knowing [[my]2813-john challenging man]258-my challenging man and now everything else , too , [I]2813-john know [his]306-jesse own stubbornness was what essentially caused this rift . By distancing [himself]306-jesse from [everyone who reminded [him]306-jesse of [his]306-jesse loses]2505-everyone who reminded him of his loses , [he]306-jesse thought it would ease the guilt — the guilt [he]306-jesse should never have felt in the first place . [He]306-jesse did n’t give [himself]306-jesse the chance to be surrounded by [the people who love [him]306-jesse and who could have helped [him]306-jesse]2506-the people who love him and who could have helped him . [He]306-jesse waited for [me]2813-john to do that . And that may have been too late because now [he]306-jesse ’s lying lifeless and nonresponsive and even though it kills [me]2813-john to think of [my]2813-john life without [him]306-jesse in it — a life [I]2813-john might be facing now — [I]2813-john would prefer for [him]306-jesse to be alive and well and not know [him]306-jesse . ‘ [Ava]536-ava ? ’[2774-kate] [[my]2813-john mum]2774-kate ’s voice and shoulder rub drags [me]2813-john back into [the room]254-the room which is too familiar to [me]2813-john . ‘ Just for a few minutes . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john agree , giving up on [my]2813-john salad and pushing it away . [Mum]246-mum does n’t argue with [me]2813-john , nor does [she]246-mum try to negotiate more time for [them]2509-them . [I]2813-john ’ve allowed [them]2509-them five minutes here and there , but [I]2813-john ’ve not allowed it privately . ‘ Okay , [darling]2501-sister . ’[246-mum] [She]246-mum disappears from [the room]254-the room and a few moments later , [Jesse]306-jesse ’s mum , [dad]3849-his dad and [sister]2501-sister quietly enter . [I]2813-john do n’t acknowledge [them]2509-them . [I]2813-john keep [my]2813-john eyes on [Jesse]306-jesse and [my]2813-john mouth firmly shut as [they]2509-them crowd the bed . [[His]306-jesse mum]1478-his mum starts to weep , and [I]2813-john see [Amalie]152-amalie in [my]2813-john peripheral vision comforting [her]1478-his mum . [[His]306-jesse dad]3849-his dad definitely brushes at [his]306-jesse face . Three sets of eyes , all green , all glazed , and all grief stricken , are staring at [[my]2813-john lifeless husband]3849-his dad . ‘ How has [he]3849-his dad been ? ’[152-amalie] [Henry]152-amalie asks , moving around the bed . ‘ The same . ’[152-amalie] [I]2813-john answer , reaching up to brush a stray blonde hair from [his]306-jesse forehead , just in case it ’s tickling [him]306-jesse in [his]306-jesse sleep . ‘ And what about [you]2513-you , [Ava]536-ava ? [You]2513-you need to be taking care of [yourself]2513-you . ’[3849-his dad] [He]3849-his dad ’s speaking softly , but sternly . ‘ [I]3849-his dad ’m[3849-his dad] fine . ’ ‘[3849-his dad] Will [you]2513-you let [us]2514-us take [you]2513-you for something eat ? ’ [he]3849-his dad asks . ‘[3849-his dad] Not far , just down to [the hospital restaurant]2515-the hospital restaurant . ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m not leaving [him]3849-his dad . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john affirm , for the millionth time . [Everyone]2825-everyone has attempted and [everyone]2825-everyone has failed . ‘ [He]3849-his dad might wake up , and [I]2825-everyone wo n’t be here . ’[2825-everyone] ‘ [I]3849-his dad understand . ’[3849-his dad] [he]3849-his dad soothes [me]2813-john . ‘ Perhaps [we]4251-we can bring [you]2813-john something , then ? ’[3849-his dad] [He]3849-his dad must have spotted the salad , but [he]3849-his dad ’s trying anything , [his]3849-his dad concern genuine , but not wanted . ‘ No , thank [you]2813-john . ’[3849-his dad] ‘ [Ava]536-ava , please . ’[152-amalie] [Amalie]152-amalie presses , but [I]2813-john ignore [her]2517-her plea and shake [my]2813-john head , digging [my]2813-john stubborn heels in . [Jesse]306-jesse would force feed [me]2813-john , and [I]2813-john wish [he]3849-his dad could . [I]2813-john hear a collective sigh , then the door opens and [the night shift nurse]2518-the night shift nurse enters , pulling [the familiar trolley]2519-the familiar trolley , loaded with a blood pressure machine , thermometer and endless other equipment to check [his]3849-his dad stats . ‘ Good evening , ’[2517-her] [she]2517-her smiles warmly . ‘ How is this fine specimen of [a man]448-a man today ? ’[2517-her] [She]2517-her says the exact same thing every time [she]2517-her starts [her]2517-her shift . ‘ [He]3849-his dad ’s still asleep . ’[2517-her] [I]2813-john tell [her]2517-her , shifting only a little to give [her]2517-her access to [Jesse]306-jesse ’s arm . ‘ Let ’s see what ’s going on . ’[2517-her] [She]2517-her takes [his]306-jesse arm and loads [his]306-jesse bicep with the material band before pressing a few buttons and triggering the automatic inflation of the device . Leaving it to do its job , [she]2517-her takes [his]306-jesse temperature then checks the printout from [his]306-jesse heart monitor and notes down all of [her]2517-her findings . ‘ Just the same . [You]2517-her have [a strong , determined man]4253-a strong , determined man , [sweetheart]4253-a strong , determined man . ’[2517-her] ‘ [I]2813-john know . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john agree , praying for [his]306-jesse continued endurance . [He]306-jesse ’s no better , but [he]306-jesse ’s no worse either , and [I]2813-john have to hang on to that . It ’s all [I]2813-john have . [The nurse]3515-beatrice injects some medication into the driver on [his]306-jesse arm before changing [his]306-jesse catheter bag and drip , then collecting [her]3515-beatrice things and leaving [the room]254-the room quietly . ‘ [We]4254-we ’ll leave [you]152-amalie in peace , ’[152-amalie] [Henry]152-amalie pipes up . ‘ [You]152-amalie have [my]152-amalie number . ’[152-amalie] [I]2813-john nod [my]2813-john acknowledgment and let [them]2522-them all attempt to rub some comfort into [me]2813-john , then watch as [they]2522-them take turns kissing [Jesse]306-jesse , [[his]306-jesse mum]1478-his mum going last and spilling tears on [his]306-jesse face . ‘ [I]1478-his mum love [you]1478-his mum , [son]306-jesse . ’[1478-his mum] [she]1478-his mum murmurs , almost like [she]1478-his mum does n’t want [me]2813-john to hear , like [she]1478-his mum thinks [I]2813-john ’ll condemn [her]1478-his mum for having the cheek . [I]2813-john would never . [Their]2524-them anguish is enough of a reason to accept [them]2524-them . [My]2813-john mission is to restore [Jesse]306-jesse ’s life to what it should be . [I]2813-john ’ll do anything , but [I]2813-john do n’t know if [he]306-jesse ’ll be around to accept it and appreciate it . More tears fall . [I]2813-john look up and watch [them]2524-them filter out , passing [Kate]2774-kate , [Sam]2844-sam , [Drew]83-drew and [John]2813-john at the door . Civil hellos and goodbyes are exchanged , and [I]2813-john ca n’t help the tired sigh that slips from [my]2813-john mouth at the arrival of [more people]2525-more people . [I]2813-john know [they]2525-more people are all just worried about [Jesse]306-jesse and [me]2813-john , but the effort to answer questions when [I]2813-john ’m asked is energy [I]87-ruth just do n’t have . ‘[87-ruth] [You]87-ruth good , [girl]87-ruth ? ’ [John]2813-john rumbles , and [I]87-ruth nod , even though [I]87-ruth ’m[87-ruth] clearly not , but it ’s easier to let [my]2813-john head fall up and down rather than from side to side . [I]2813-john look up and offer a small smile , noticing the bandage from [his]306-jesse head has been removed . [He]306-jesse beat [himself]306-jesse up for days , but what could [he]306-jesse do when [[Ruth Quinn]87-ruth ’s lover]2527-ruth quinn ’s lover , [Casey]95-lusso , called [him]2527-ruth quinn ’s lover down under false pretences and caught [him]2527-ruth quinn ’s lover off guard , clouting [him]2527-ruth quinn ’s lover around the head with an iron bar as [he]2527-ruth quinn ’s lover exited [the elevator]604-the elevator ? ‘ [I]2527-ruth quinn ’s lover ’m[2527-ruth quinn ’s lover] not staying . ’ [John]2813-john continues . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john just wanted [you]2529-you to know that [they]2530-i both appeared in court today and both have been remanded . ’ [I]2530-i should be pleased , but [I]2530-i ca n’t even find the strength to be that . [I]2530-i ’ve answered endless questions that have been thrown at [me]2530-i by [the police]1873-the police , and [Steve]134-steve has been a regular , keeping [me]2530-i up - to - date on [their]2530-i findings . It ’s pretty simple . [Ruth]87-ruth , or [Lauren]204-lauren , is the psychotic , [ex - wife of [Jesse]306-jesse]87-ruth , and [Casey]95-lusso is [[her]87-ruth pussy whipped lover , who did exactly what [she]87-ruth asked in an attempt to please [her]87-ruth]95-lusso . ‘[2530-i] Okay , ’ [I]2530-i look up , registering four more sets of eyes , all sympathetic . [I]2530-i ’m[2530-i] sick of seeing it . ‘ [I]2813-john do n’t mean to be rude , but [I]2813-john do n’t have the ener … ’[2813-john] [My]2813-john voice trails off , [my]2813-john spare hand reaching up to dab at [my]2813-john sore eyes again . ‘ [Ava]536-ava , go [home]2904-home , have a shower and get some sleep . ’[2774-kate] [Kate]2774-kate pulls a chair up next to [mine]2813-john and drapes [her]2774-kate arm around [my]2813-john shaking shoulders . ‘ [We]4257-we ’ll stay . If [he]4257-we wakes , then [I]2813-john ’ll call [you]536-ava immediately . [I]2813-john promise . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john shake [my]2813-john head . [I]2813-john wish [they]2531-they would all give up . [I]2813-john ’m going nowhere unless [Jesse]306-jesse is with [me]2813-john . ‘[2813-john] Come on , [Ava]536-ava . [I]2813-john ’ll take [you]536-ava . ’ [Drew]83-drew volunteers , stepping forward . ‘[2813-john] There , see . ’ [Sam]2844-sam joins the persuasion party . ‘[2813-john] [We]2532-we ’ll stay and [Drew]83-drew can take [you]536-ava [home]2904-home for a while . ’ ‘[2813-john] No ! ’ [I]2813-john shrug [Kate]2774-kate off . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m not fucking leaving , so just stop it ! ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john look straight to [Jesse]306-jesse , waiting for [my]2813-john scorn , but nothing . ‘ Wake up ! ’[2813-john] ‘ Okay , ’[2774-kate] [Kate]2774-kate treads gently . ‘ [We]2532-we ’ll stop , but please eat , [Ava]536-ava . ’[2774-kate] ‘ [Kate]2774-kate , ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john sigh tiredly , trying [my]2813-john hardest not to lose [my]2813-john temper . ‘ [I]2813-john ’ve eaten some salad . ’[2813-john] ‘ Fine , ’[2774-kate] [She]2774-kate stands , clearly frustrated , and returns to [the others]3294-the others . ‘ [I]2774-kate do n’t know what else to do . ’[2774-kate] [She]2774-kate steps into [Sam]2844-sam ’s arms when [he]2844-sam opens [them]3294-the others . [Drew]83-drew looks at [me]2813-john sorrowfully , and [I]2813-john ’m reminded that [he]2844-sam must be having a tough time [himself]2844-sam at the moment , dealing with [a woman who used [him]2844-sam to try and trap [[my]2813-john husband]420-my husband]4258-a woman who used him to try and trap my husband . [I]2813-john ’ve heard the odd word from [Kate]2774-kate when [she]2774-kate ’s tried to distract [me]2813-john with conversation , but [I]2813-john do n’t know the full story . [I]2813-john do know that [Drew]83-drew has committed [himself]83-drew to the situation , though . Not to [Coral]1009-coral , just [the baby]1009-coral , a commendable thing to do , given how [she]2774-kate ’s deceived [him]83-drew . ‘[2813-john] [We]2535-we ’ll go , ’ [John]2813-john prompts , turning to [the others]3294-the others and virtually pushing [them]3294-the others from [the room]254-the room . [I]2535-we ’m[2535-we] grateful , just managing to be courteous enough to croak a goodbye before returning all of [my]2813-john attention to [Jesse]306-jesse . [My]2813-john head rests back down on the bed , and [I]2813-john fight the heaviness of [my]2813-john eyes for the longest time until [my]2813-john defiance fails [me]2813-john and they slowly close , sending [me]2813-john to a land where [I]2813-john ’m refusing to do anything [he]2813-john asks [me]2813-john , just so [he]2813-john resorts to [his]2813-john touching tactics . And [he]2813-john ’s touching [me]2813-john now , [his]2813-john big palm circling [my]2813-john messy , naturally dried hair , but in [my]2813-john dream [I]2813-john look perfect , not tired , pale and scruffy in [my]2813-john lounge pants and one of [his]2813-john worn t - shirts , the one that [I]2813-john told [[my]2813-john mum]2774-kate to retrieve from the laundry basket and which [I]2813-john ’ve not replaced in all the time [I]2813-john ’ve been [here]2799-here . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] in a happy place , reliving every moment with [this man]0-my beautiful girl , all of the laughter , passion and frustrations . Every word exchanged and every touch between [us]2537-us is on replay through [my]2813-john mind . Each second , each step [we]2537-us ’ve taken together and each time [our]2537-us lips have met . [I]2813-john do n’t miss a moment . [His]0-my beautiful girl tall , lean body rising from [his]0-my beautiful girl desk the first time [I]2813-john met [him]0-my beautiful girl , [his]0-my beautiful girl beauty growing with every pace [he]0-my beautiful girl took towards [me]2813-john until [his]0-my beautiful girl scent saturated [me]2813-john when [he]0-my beautiful girl leaned in to kiss [me]2813-john . And [his]0-my beautiful girl potent touch which sparked the most incredible feelings within [me]2813-john . It ’s vivid , it ’s clear and it ’s blissful . From the moment [I]2813-john stepped into [that office]2141-that office , [I]2813-john was destined to be with [this man]0-my beautiful girl . ‘ [[My]2813-john beautiful girl]0-my beautiful girl is dreaming . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john do n’t recognise the voice , but [they]2539-they are [his]0-my beautiful girl words , so [I]2813-john know it ’s [him]0-my beautiful girl . [I]2813-john want to answer [him]0-my beautiful girl , take [my]2813-john opportunity to tell [him]0-my beautiful girl so many things , yet [my]2813-john desperation still does n’t help [me]2813-john find [my]2813-john voice . So [I]2813-john settle for the lingering echo of [his]0-my beautiful girl words and [his]0-my beautiful girl continued touch , which is now gently caressing [my]2813-john cheek . A loud bleeping sound stuns [me]2813-john from [my]2813-john happy slumber and [my]2813-john head flies up hopefully , but [I]2813-john find [his]0-my beautiful girl eyes are still closed and [his]0-my beautiful girl hands are where [I]2813-john ’ve held them — one in [mine]2813-john and the other draped lifelessly by [his]0-my beautiful girl side . [I]2813-john ’m disorientated and wincing at the screaming noise , which [I]2813-john soon realise is [his]0-my beautiful girl drip , shouting that [he]0-my beautiful girl ’s out of fluids . Pulling [myself]2813-john up , [I]2813-john reach up to call [the nurse]3515-beatrice , but jump when [I]2813-john hear a muffled moan . [I]2813-john do n’t know why [I]2813-john jump , it ’s low and quiet , not at all fright worthy , but [my]2813-john heart is racing , anyway . [I]2813-john watch [his]0-my beautiful girl face closely , thinking that perhaps [I]2813-john ’ve imagined it . But then [his]0-my beautiful girl eyes move under [his]0-my beautiful girl lids and [my]2813-john heart rate increases further . [I]2813-john want to pinch [myself]2813-john to ensure that [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] not still asleep , and [I]2813-john think [I]2813-john actually do because [I]2813-john definitely feel a harsh little stab of pain , even through the numbness of [my]2813-john grief . ‘ [Jesse]306-jesse ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john whisper , dropping [his]2813-john hand in favour of [his]2813-john shoulder so [I]2813-john can shake [him]2813-john a little , which [I]2813-john know [I]2813-john should n’t be doing . [He]2813-john moans again and [his]2813-john legs shift under the thin cotton sheet . [He]2813-john ’s waking up . ‘ [Jesse]306-jesse ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john should be calling [the nurse]3515-beatrice , but [I]2813-john do n’t . [I]2813-john should be shutting that machine up , but [I]2813-john do n’t . [I]2813-john should be talking quietly , but [I]2813-john ’m not . ‘[306-jesse] [Jesse]306-jesse ! ’ [I]306-jesse shake a little more . ‘[306-jesse] Too loud . ’ [he]2813-john complains , [his]2813-john voice broken and dry , [his]2813-john eyes going from relaxed closed to clenched closed . [I]306-jesse reach over [him]2813-john and punch the button on the machine to shut it up . ‘[306-jesse] [Jesse]306-jesse ? ’ ‘[306-jesse] What ? ’ [he]2813-john grumbles irritably , lifting [his]2813-john hand to clench [his]2813-john head . Every fear and grief stricken emotion flows freely from [my]306-jesse body and light engulfs [me]306-jesse . Bright light . Hopeful light . ‘[306-jesse] Open [your]2541-your eyes , ’ [I]306-jesse demand . ‘[306-jesse] No , it fucking hurts . ’ ‘[306-jesse] Oh [God]306-jesse . ’ [My]306-jesse relief is incredible , almost painful , as it courses like lightening through [my]306-jesse depleted body , bringing [me]306-jesse back to life . ‘[306-jesse] Try . ’ [I]306-jesse beg . [I]306-jesse need to see [his]2813-john eyes . [He]2813-john groans some more , and [I]306-jesse can see [him]2813-john struggling to follow through on [my]306-jesse unreasonable order . [I]306-jesse do n’t relent , doing the kind thing of telling [him]2813-john to stop . [I]306-jesse need to see [his]2813-john eyes . And there [they]4265-they are . Not as green or addictive , but [they]4265-they have life in [them]4265-they and [they]4265-they are squinting , adjusting to the subtle glow of light in [the room]254-the room . ‘[306-jesse] Fucking hell , ’ [I]306-jesse ’ve never been so pleased to hear two words . It ’s [Jesse]306-jesse and it ’s familiar . [I]306-jesse stupidly dive on [him]306-jesse , kissing [his]306-jesse bearded face and only stop when [he]306-jesse hisses in pain . ‘[306-jesse] Sorry ! ’ [I]536-ava blurt , pushing [myself]536-ava away and causing [him]306-jesse more discomfort . ‘[536-ava] Fucking hell , [Ava]536-ava . ’ [His]536-ava face screws up , [his]536-ava eyes closing again . ‘[536-ava] Open [your]536-ava eyes ! ’ [He]536-ava does , and [I]536-ava ’m[536-ava] beyond thrilled to see [him]536-ava scowling at [me]2813-john . ‘ Then stop fucking inflicting pain on [me]2813-john , [woman]536-ava ! ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john do n’t think [I]2813-john ’ve ever felt so happy . [He]536-ava looks terrible , but [I]2813-john ’ll take [him]536-ava whichever way [he]536-ava comes . [I]2813-john do n’t care . [He]536-ava can keep the overgrown facial hair . [He]536-ava can swear at [me]2813-john every second of every day . ‘ [I]2813-john thought [I]2813-john ’d lost [you]88-baby . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m sobbing again as overpowering relief takes hold and [my]88-baby cheeks fall into palms to conceal [my]88-baby wrecked face . ‘[88-baby] [Baby]88-baby , please do n’t cry when there ’s fuck all [I]2813-john can do about it . ’ [I]2813-john hear [his]536-ava shifting body , followed by a string of bad language . ‘[2813-john] Fuck ! ’ ‘[2813-john] Stop moving ! ’ [I]88-baby scorn [him]536-ava , wiping [my]88-baby sniffling face before pushing lightly on [his]536-ava shoulders . [He]536-ava does n’t argue with [me]88-baby . [He]536-ava relaxes back into [his]536-ava pillow on an exhausted sigh , then lifts [his]536-ava arm and focuses on the needle hanging out , before taking a confused glance around at all of the machinery surrounding [him]536-ava . [I]88-baby see understanding settle across [his]536-ava face and [his]536-ava head whips up , [his]536-ava eyes wide and frightened . ‘[88-baby] [She]88-baby hurt [you]88-baby . ’ [he]536-ava blurts , struggling to sit up , hissing and wincing as [he]536-ava does . ‘[3585-the babies] [The babies]3585-the babies ! ’ ‘[3585-the babies] [We]3585-the babies ’re okay , ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john assure [him]2813-john , forcing [him]2813-john back down to the bed . It ’s hard . [His]2813-john sudden realisation had injected some strength into [him]2813-john . ‘ [Jesse]306-jesse , [we]3585-the babies ’re[2813-john] all okay . Lay down . ’ ‘[88-baby] [You]88-baby ’re okay ? ’[2813-john] [His]2813-john hand lifts and feels its way through thin air until [he]2813-john finds [my]2813-john face . ‘ Please tell [me]2813-john [you]88-baby ’re[2813-john] okay . ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m fine . ’[2813-john] ‘ And [the babies]3585-the babies ? ’[2813-john] ‘ [I]2813-john ’ve had two scans . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john rest [my]2813-john hand over [his]2813-john and help [him]2813-john feel [me]2813-john . It relaxes [him]2813-john completely , [my]2813-john words assisting , too . [His]2813-john eyes close , making [me]2813-john want to prod [him]2813-john to open , but [I]2813-john let [him]2813-john rest them . ‘ [I]2813-john should call [the nurse]3515-beatrice . ’[2813-john] ‘ No , please . Let [me]2813-john wake up before [they]4269-they start poking [me]2813-john about . ’[2813-john] [His]2813-john hand slides from [my]2813-john cheek to the nape of [my]2813-john neck and [he]2813-john applies a light pressure , silently telling [me]2813-john to come closer . ‘ [I]2813-john do n’t want to hurt [you]2543-you . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john protest , pulling against [him]2813-john , but [his]2813-john face strains and [his]2813-john strength increases . ‘ [Jesse]306-jesse . ’[2813-john] ‘ Contact . Do what [you]2543-you ’re[2813-john] told . ’ [he]2813-john snaps drowsily . Even now , when [he]2813-john ’s clearly in tremendous pain , [he]2813-john ’s impossible . ‘[2813-john] Are [you]2543-you in much pain ? ’ [I]2543-you ask , lowering [myself]2543-you gently to [his]2813-john side . ‘[2543-you] Agony . ’ ‘[2543-you] [I]2813-john need to get [the nurse]3515-beatrice . ’ ‘[2813-john] Soon . [I]2813-john ’m comfy . ’[2813-john] ‘ No [you]2543-you ’re[2813-john] not . ’ [I]3515-beatrice almost laugh , working around [his]2545-his wound to gently rest against [him]2545-his . [I]3515-beatrice ’ll give [him]2545-his five minutes , then [I]3515-beatrice ’m[3515-beatrice] getting [the nurse]3515-beatrice , and there is nothing [he]2545-his can do to stop [me]2813-john — literally , for once . ‘ [I]2543-you ’m[2543-you] glad [you]2543-you ’re still here , ’[2545-his] [he]2545-his murmurs , using more valuable energy to turn [his]2545-his face into [mine]2813-john and kiss [me]2813-john . ‘ [I]2545-his ’d have given up if [I]2545-his did n’t constantly hear [your]2543-you defiant voice . ’[2545-his] ‘ [You]2543-you could hear [me]2545-his ? ’[2545-his] ‘ Yes , it was strange and fucking annoying when [I]2545-his could n’t tell [you]2543-you off . Will [you]2543-you ever do what [you]2543-you ’re[2545-his] told ? ’ There is no humour in [his]2545-his tone . It makes [me]2545-his smile . ‘[2545-his] No , ’ ‘[2545-his] Thought not , ’ [he]2813-john sighs . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john have some explaining to do . ’ Those few words make [me]2813-john tense . ‘[2813-john] No [you]2543-you do n’t . ’ [I]2543-you blurt , trying to pull away from [him]2813-john so [I]2543-you can get [the nurse]3515-beatrice , but [I]2543-you ’m[2543-you] going nowhere . ‘ Fuck ! ’[2813-john] [he]2813-john spits , ‘ Fucking , fuck , fuck , fuck ! ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john ’s still fighting against [me]2813-john , [the stupid man]2813-john , but [I]2813-john ’m [the one who relents , more concerned for [him]2813-john than [he]2813-john is for [himself]2813-john]2813-john . ‘[2813-john] Just stay put and listen . ’ [he]2813-john demands harshly . ‘[2543-you] [You]2543-you ’re not going anywhere until [I]206-rosie ’ve told [you]2543-you about [Rosie]206-rosie . ’[206-rosie] [Rosie]206-rosie . The name signifies unbearable heartache and years of self - torture . [He]2813-john should have confessed this long ago . It would have explained so many of [his]2813-john neurotic ways . ‘ [Lauren]204-lauren was [the daughter of [[my]2813-john mum]2774-kate and [[dad]264-matt ’s good friends]4273-dad ’s good friends]204-lauren . ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john begins , and [I]2813-john brace [myself]2813-john , realising that [I]2813-john ’m about to get the whole story . Not just the bits that [I]2813-john ’d like to hear about [[his]2813-john daughter]323-carmichael , but the parts about [the psychotic woman who nearly robbed [him]2813-john from [me]2813-john]323-carmichael . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m sure [you]2813-john can imagine the type — well - bred , rich and highly respected in the snotty community that [we]4275-we were forced to tolerate . [We]4275-we fooled around once and [she]323-carmichael ended up pregnant . [We]4275-we were seventeen , young and stupid . Can [you]2813-john imagine the scandal ? [I‘d]2813-john really done it this time . ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john shifts , flinching and cursing some more . ‘ Emergency meetings were called between [[Lauren]204-lauren ’s family]4276-lauren ’s family and [my]2813-john own , and [[her]204-lauren father]4277-her father demanded [I]2813-john marry [her]204-lauren before word got out and ruined [both of [[our]2546-our families]4278-our families]4278-our families . [Jake]786-jake had not long died and [I]2813-john went along with it , hoping [my]2813-john compliance might build some bridges with [[my]2813-john parents]2767-my parents . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john clench [my]2813-john eyes shut and hold on to [him]2813-john a little tighter , remembering [our]2546-our visit to [[my]2813-john parents]2767-my parents and [his]2813-john reaction to [[my]2813-john mother]2774-kate implying that [he]2813-john ’d married [me]2813-john because [I]2813-john was pregnant . ‘ An arranged marriage ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ask . ‘ Yes , but the joint effort of [both families]4279-both families did an amazing job of convincing the community that [we]2546-our were hopelessly in love . ’[2813-john] ‘ [She]2774-kate was . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john whisper , knowing the direction in which this story is heading . ‘ And [I]2813-john was n’t . ’[2813-john] [he]2813-john confirms quietly . ‘ [I]2813-john was married off and moved into [[[her]2774-kate parents]4280-her parents ’[2813-john] country estate]4281-her parents ’ country estate within a month . [Everyone]2825-everyone was happy , except [me]2813-john . ’ [His]2813-john fingers play idly with [my]323-carmichael hair , and [he]2813-john draws a painful breath before continuing . ‘[323-carmichael] [Carmichael]323-carmichael gave [me]2813-john an escape , and [I]2813-john finally plucked up the courage to call a halt on the whole diabolical farce , but when [Rosie]206-rosie arrived , [I]2813-john was determined to be [a dad]2550-a dad . [That little girl]2551-that little girl was [the only person on the planet who loved [me]2813-john for [me]2813-john]2551-that little girl , no expectations or pressure , [she]2551-that little girl just accepted [me]2813-john in [her]2551-that little girl innocence . It did n’t matter that [she]2551-that little girl was [a baby]2851-a baby . ’ All of this is filling [me]2551-that little girl with immense proudness , but this story does n’t have a happily ever after . And it crushes [me]2551-that little girl . ‘[2551-that little girl] [She]2551-that little girl was [[a real daddy]2553-a real daddy ’s girl]2551-that little girl . ’ [he]323-carmichael says fondly . ‘[2551-that little girl] [I]2813-john could do no wrong , and [I]2813-john knew [I]2813-john never would in [her]2551-that little girl eyes . That was enough to make [me]2813-john evaluate the lifestyle [I]2813-john ’d slipped into while [Lauren]204-lauren was pregnant . [Carmichael]323-carmichael got [the best solicitor]2554-the best solicitor involved to try and gain [me]2813-john full custody because [he]323-carmichael knew that [she]2551-that little girl was [my]2813-john redeemer , but [[Lauren]204-lauren ’s family]352-the family dug up every dirty little secret , from [Jake]786-jake , to [The Manor]226-the manor , to [my]2813-john brief lifestyle from when [I]2813-john left [Lauren]204-lauren until [Rosie]206-rosie was born . [I]2813-john did n’t have a hope . ’ ‘[2813-john] And [[you]2557-you parents]2558-you parents had moved to [Spain]30-spain by now ? ’ [I]2813-john ask . [He]2813-john jerks on a hiss as [he]2813-john laughs quietly . ‘[2813-john] Yes , [they]2558-you parents escaped the shame [I]2813-john ’d brought on [the family]352-the family . ’ ‘[2558-you parents] [They]2558-you parents abandoned [you]2557-you . ’ [I]2558-you parents whisper . ‘[2558-you parents] [They]2558-you parents wanted [me]2813-john to go with [them]2558-you parents . [Mum]246-mum begged , but [I]2813-john could n’t leave [Rosie]206-rosie fulltime with [that family]352-the family . [She]206-rosie ’d be frowned upon as [an illegitimate child]2559-an illegitimate child , even though [she]206-rosie had [me]2813-john . Not an option . ’ ‘[206-rosie] So then what ? ’ ‘[206-rosie] [Rosie]206-rosie was three and [I]2813-john made the worst mistake of [my]2813-john life . ’ [He]2813-john pauses , and [I]2813-john know [he]2813-john ’s munching on that bottom lip . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john slept with [Sarah]60-sarah . ’ [he]2813-john says quietly . ‘[60-sarah] [Sarah]60-sarah ? ’ [I]60-sarah ’m[60-sarah] frowning heavily into [his]2813-john neck . How does [Sarah]60-sarah play any part in this ? ‘ [Carmichael]323-carmichael and [Sarah]60-sarah were together . ’[60-sarah] ‘ [They]4282-they were ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m scrambling with care from [his]2813-john hold now , but this time [he]2813-john lets [me]60-sarah . [He]2813-john is chewing that lip and [he]2813-john ’s holding [his]2813-john breath , too . ‘[60-sarah] [Sarah]60-sarah and [Carmichael]323-carmichael ? But [I]2813-john thought [he]2813-john was [a playboy]2560-a playboy . ’ ‘[2813-john] [He]2813-john was . With [a girlfriend]2561-a girlfriend … ’ [he]2813-john flinches as [he]2813-john inhales . ‘[1251-a child] and [a child]1251-a child . ’ ‘[1251-a child] What ? ’ [I]1251-a child ’m[1251-a child] sitting up fully now . ‘ Go on . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john push . This story is n’t taking the direction that [I]2813-john thought it would at all . [He]2813-john takes another long , painful breath . [I]2813-john should tell [him]2813-john to stop and rest , but [I]2813-john do n’t . ‘ [Carmichael]323-carmichael walked in on [me]2813-john and [Sarah]60-sarah . [He]2813-john hit the roof , got [the girls]2563-the girls and left . ’[2813-john] Oh good Lord . ‘ [The girls]2563-the girls ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ask . [I]2813-john do n’t know why . [I]2813-john know who [the girls]2563-the girls are . ‘ [Rosie]206-rosie and [Rebecca]207-rebecca . ’[2813-john] ‘ [Your]207-rebecca Rosie and [[their]2563-the girls Rebecca]207-rebecca . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john whisper . ‘ The car accident ? ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john nods mildly and clenches [his]2813-john eyes shut . ‘ [I]2813-john did n’t just kill [[my]2813-john uncle]1481-my uncle and [[my]2813-john daughter]310-my daughter . [I]2813-john killed [[Sarah]60-sarah ’s girl]310-my daughter , too . ’[2813-john] ‘ No , ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john shake [my]2813-john head . ‘ That ca n’t be [your]207-rebecca fault . ’[2813-john] ‘ [I]2813-john think [you]207-rebecca ’ll find that [my]2813-john poor decisions have been the cause for everything , [Ava]536-ava . [I]2813-john ’ve fucked up on so many levels so many times , and [I]2813-john ’ve paid for it , but [I]2813-john ca n’t pay for it now that [I]2813-john have [you]207-rebecca . What if [I]2813-john make a bad decision again ? What if [I]2813-john screw up again ? What if [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] not done paying ? ’ [His]536-ava demand for compliance on everything is crystal clear . Too clear . [He]536-ava really does live in terror , but it ’s far worse than [I]2564-you ever imagined . [He]536-ava blames [himself]536-ava for everything , and maybe [his]536-ava carelessness played a small part , but ultimately , [he]536-ava ’s not responsible . [He]536-ava was n’t driving [the car]709-the car that hit [Jake]786-jake . [He]536-ava was n’t driving [the car]709-the car with [the girls]2563-the girls . [He]536-ava did n’t want to get married and [he]536-ava definitely wanted to be [a proper father]4287-a proper father . And [Sarah]60-sarah ? That has totally floored [me]2564-you . [She]60-sarah had [a child with [Carmichael]323-carmichael]420-my husband , but was in love with [[her]60-sarah boyfriend ’s nephew]4289-her boyfriend ’s nephew ? Fucking hell , this is complicated stuff . [Sarah]60-sarah really does have nothing and after losing both [[her]60-sarah daughter]420-my husband and [[her]60-sarah lover]420-my husband . [She]60-sarah sought solace in [The Manor]226-the manor , a little bit like [Jesse]306-jesse did . [Two tortured souls]4291-two tortured souls drowning [themselves]4291-two tortured souls in whips , sex , and drink , but never in each other . That was [Jesse]306-jesse ’s choice , though . Not [Sarah]60-sarah ’s . ‘[2564-you] [You]2564-you are more than done paying . ’ [My]2564-you eyes land on [his]306-jesse stomach . [He]306-jesse ’s paid physically and mentally , and it ’s made [[my]2564-you husband]420-my husband a neurotic control freak now [he]306-jesse has something [he]306-jesse cares about again . [Me]2564-you . ‘[2564-you] When did [she]2565-she hurt [you]2564-you before ? ’ [I]206-rosie ask , needing that final piece to secure this colossal puzzle and lay it all to bed . ‘[206-rosie] After [Rosie]206-rosie died , [she]206-rosie tried so hard to make [me]2813-john see that [we]2566-we needed each other . [She]206-rosie had always been a little unpredictable , but when [I]2813-john continually rebuffed [her]206-rosie advances , [she]206-rosie really started behaving erratically . [We]2566-we ’re talking full on bunny boiler style . ’[2567-he] [He]2567-he smiles at [me]2813-john , but [I]2813-john ca n’t smile back . [She]206-rosie ’s tried to kill [him]2567-he twice . This is no laughing matter . ‘ Did [she]206-rosie get pregnant on purpose ? ’[206-rosie] ‘ Probably . ’[206-rosie] ‘ And [she]206-rosie stabbed [you]2564-you ? ’[206-rosie] ‘ Yes . ’[206-rosie] ‘ Did [she]206-rosie go to [prison]4292-prison ? ’[206-rosie] ‘ No . ’[206-rosie] ‘ Why ? ’[2567-he] [He]2567-he ’s sighing again . ‘ [[Her]206-rosie family]4293-her family got [her]206-rosie help and kept [her]206-rosie away from [me]2567-he in exchange for [my]2567-he silence . ’[2567-he] ‘ But look at the mess [she]206-rosie made of [you]2564-you . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john point to [his]2567-he old scar . ‘ How did [you]2564-you pass that off ? ’[2813-john] ‘ It ’s pretty superficial . [She]206-rosie did a better job this time . ’[2567-he] [He]2567-he looks down at [his]2567-he stomach . ‘ [You]2564-you did n’t even go to [hospital]1390-hospital , did [you]2564-you ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m horrified . That is one nasty scar and far from superficial . ‘[2813-john] Who stitched [you]2813-john up ? ’ ‘[2569-her dad] [[Her]2568-her dad]2569-her dad . [He]2569-her dad was [a doctor]2570-a doctor . ’ ‘[2569-her dad] Oh [[my]2813-john God]2944-my god ! ’ [I]2944-my god collapse onto the chair . ‘[2944-my god] And where were [[your]2944-my god parents]502-your parents whilst all of this was going on ? ’ [I]2944-my god sound like [a lecturing fishwife]4295-a lecturing fishwife , but holy shit , where does it end ? ‘[2944-my god] [They]502-your parents ’d already returned to [Spain]30-spain . ’ ‘[306-jesse] [Jesse]306-jesse … ’ [I]306-jesse snap [my]306-jesse mouth shut , trying to think hard of what [I]306-jesse can possibly say , before [I]306-jesse blurt just anything . As always , [I]306-jesse ’m[306-jesse] blank . [This man]306-jesse renders [me]2813-john speechless on every level . ‘ [[Your]306-jesse mum in [Spain]30-spain]4296-your mum in spain . ’[306-jesse] [I]2813-john think hard . ‘ Second chance ? ’[2573-she] [She]2573-she was n’t referring to [Jake]786-jake at all . [She]2573-she was referring to [[Jesse]306-jesse ’s lost daughter]2574-jesse ’s lost daughter — a chance for [him]306-jesse to be [a good father]2575-a good father again . ‘ [You]306-jesse really do know everything now . ’[306-jesse] [His]306-jesse dry voice is still disjointed and [his]306-jesse searching eyes are looking for [mine]2813-john but not falling where [he]306-jesse knows [them]2576-them to be . ‘ Are [you]306-jesse leaving [me]306-jesse ? ’[306-jesse] If [my]2813-john heart was breaking for [him]306-jesse before , then now it ’s just shattered . That simple , perfectly reasonable question and the unsure tone in which [he]306-jesse ’s asked it , has tears stabbing painfully at the backs of [my]2813-john eyes . ‘ Look at [me]306-jesse . ’[306-jesse] [I]2813-john demand sharply , and [he]306-jesse does , showing [me]2813-john unthinkable hurt . It cuts so deep and the tears roll freely . So do [his]306-jesse . [I]2813-john know [I]2813-john ’m [his]306-jesse saviour now . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] the key to redemption for [him]306-jesse . [I]2813-john ’m [[his]306-jesse angel]306-jesse . ‘[2813-john] Unbreakable . ’ [I]2813-john weep , crushed by sadness for [this man]306-jesse . Two weeks of emptiness has been flooded by happiness , but soon replaced with sorrow . [He]306-jesse gasps , but [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] not sure whether it ’s in pain or relief . ‘ Hold [me]306-jesse . ’[306-jesse] [he]306-jesse begs , weakly lifting a heavy arm out to [me]2813-john . The no contact will be killing [him]306-jesse , especially when [he]306-jesse has to depend on [me]2813-john to feed [his]306-jesse need . Gingerly crawling onto the bed , [I]2813-john settle carefully around tubes and dressings . [I]2813-john ’m pulled in closer . ‘[306-jesse] [Jesse]306-jesse , be careful . ’ ‘[306-jesse] It hurts more if [I]2813-john ’m not touching [you]306-jesse . ’[306-jesse] [His]306-jesse fingertip connects with [my]2813-john chin and pulls [my]2813-john face up to [his]306-jesse , and [I]2813-john reach up to catch a stray tear before running [my]2813-john palm all over [his]306-jesse overgrown face . ‘ [I]2813-john love [you]306-jesse . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john say quietly , pushing [my]2813-john lips gently to [his]306-jesse . ‘ [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] glad . ’ ‘[2813-john] Do n’t stay that . ’ [I]2813-john pull back and hit [him]306-jesse with a disappointed glare . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john do n’t want [you]2577-you to say that . ’ [His]306-jesse confusion is clear . ‘[2813-john] But [I]2813-john am . ’ ‘[2813-john] That ’s not what [you]2577-you usually say . ’ [I]2813-john whisper , giving [his]306-jesse too long hair a warning yank . [My]2813-john savageness tips the corner of [his]306-jesse lips . ‘[2813-john] Tell [me]2813-john [you]2577-you love [me]2813-john . ’ [he]306-jesse demands , probably using far too much of [his]306-jesse energy to sound stern . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john love [you]2577-you . ’ [I]2813-john comply immediately , and [he]306-jesse breaks into [his]306-jesse full - on , glorious smile , reserved only for [me]2813-john . It ’s the most incredible sight , even if there are tears accompanying it and [he]306-jesse ’s a little too washed out . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john know , ’ [He]306-jesse kisses [me]2813-john sweetly , then hisses , losing [his]306-jesse momentum , then rides out the pain to kiss [me]2813-john again . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m getting [the nurse]3515-beatrice now . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john tell [him]2813-john determinedly . ‘ [You]2577-you need some painkillers . ’[2813-john] ‘ [I]2813-john need [you]2577-you . ’[2813-john] [he]2813-john grumbles . ‘ [You]2577-you ’re[2813-john] [my]2813-john cure . ’ Reluctantly releasing [his]2813-john lips , [I]2813-john prop [myself]2813-john up and clasp [his]2813-john face in both hands . ‘[2813-john] Then why are [you]2813-john still tensing and hissing in discomfort ? ’ ‘[2813-john] Because it fucking hurts . ’ [he]2813-john admits . [I]2813-john give [him]2813-john one last peck and peel [my]2813-john body away from [him]2813-john before re - arranging the sheets over [his]2813-john waist . Whilst it ’s horrible seeing [him]2813-john so weak and helpless , the thought of looking after [him]2813-john and nursing [him]2813-john back to health is something [I]2813-john ’ll cherish . ‘[2813-john] What are [you]2813-john smiling about ? ’ [he]2813-john asks , lifting [his]2813-john arms to let [me]2813-john tuck the sheets in . ‘[2813-john] Nothing , ’ [I]2813-john reach over and finally press the call button for [the nurse]3515-beatrice . ‘[2813-john] [You]2813-john ’re going to love this , are n’t [you]2813-john ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john pause mid plump of [his]2813-john pillow and break out into a smile when [I]2813-john catch [his]2813-john disgruntled face . [He]2813-john ’s [a big , powerful man , who has been reduced to a weak , injured soul]2813-john . This will be hard for [him]2813-john . ‘ [I]2813-john have the power . ’[2813-john] ‘ Do n’t get used to it . ’[2813-john] [he]2813-john grunts , just as the door swings open and [the nurse]2962-your wife hurries in . ‘ Oh ! Oh [my]2962-your wife ! ’[2962-your wife] [She]2962-your wife ’s by [his]2813-john bed and checking the machinery in a second , faffing around and feeling for [his]2813-john pulse . ‘ Welcome back , [Jesse]306-jesse . ’[2962-your wife] [she]2962-your wife says , but [he]2813-john just grunts some more and looks up to the ceiling . [He]2813-john ’s going to hate this . ‘ Feeling groggy ? ’[2813-john] ‘ Shit . ’[2813-john] [he]2813-john confirms . ‘ When can [I]2813-john go [home]2904-home ? ’[2813-john] [My]2813-john eyes roll , and [the nurse]2962-your wife laughs . ‘ Let ’s not get ahead of [ourselves]4300-ourselves . Eyes , please . ’[2962-your wife] [She]2962-your wife gets the pen light from [her]2962-your wife pocket and waits for [[my]2813-john grouchy [Lord]2579-lord]2579-lord to drop [his]2579-lord greens for [her]2962-your wife . When [he]2579-lord does , [she]2962-your wife falters slightly before resuming medical duties . ‘ [[Your]2962-your wife wife]2962-your wife has told [me]2962-your wife all about these eyes . ’[2962-your wife] [she]2962-your wife muses , flicking the pen from one to the other . ‘ [They]4301-they really are quite something . ’[2962-your wife] [I]2813-john smile proudly and raise on [my]2813-john tiptoes to look over [her]2962-your wife bending body , finding [him]2579-lord grinning from ear to ear . ‘ Is that all [she]2962-your wife told [you]2580-the jolly woman about , [nurse]4302-nurse ? ’[2579-lord] [he]2579-lord asks cheekily . [The jolly woman]2580-the jolly woman cocks a warning eyebrow . ‘ No , [she]2580-the jolly woman ’s told [me]2579-lord about that roguish grin , too . Bed bath ? ’[2579-lord] [He]2579-lord recoils on a grimace , and [I]2813-john laugh . ‘ No , [I]2579-lord ’ll shower . ’[2579-lord] [he]2579-lord blurts , flashing [me]2813-john horrified eyes . ‘ No can do , [young man]2579-lord . Not until [the doctor]3089-the doctor checks [you]2579-lord over and [we]4304-we remove [your]2579-lord catheter . ’[2580-the jolly woman] [She]2580-the jolly woman is putting [him]2579-lord firmly in [his]2579-lord place . [His]2579-lord horror increases , and [the nurse]3515-beatrice lifts [his]2579-lord catheter frame to demonstrate the obstacle . The mortification all over [his]2579-lord handsome , hairy face is really quite a picture . ‘ For fuck sake . ’[2579-lord] [he]2579-lord mutters , dropping [his]2579-lord head back to the pillow and closing [his]2579-lord eyes to hide from [his]2579-lord embarrassment . ‘ [I]2580-the jolly woman ’ll call [the doctor]3089-the doctor . ’[2580-the jolly woman] [She]2580-the jolly woman chuckles as [she]2580-the jolly woman leaves [the room]254-the room and [I]2813-john ’m once again alone with [[my]2580-the jolly woman poor , dependant husband]4306-my poor , dependant husband . ‘[2580-the jolly woman] Get [me]2813-john out of here , [baby]306-jesse . ’ [he]2579-lord begs . ‘[306-jesse] No way , [Ward]306-jesse . ’ [I]306-jesse pour [him]2579-lord some water and stick a straw in the plastic cup , then put it to [his]2579-lord dry lips . ‘[306-jesse] Drink . ’ ‘[306-jesse] Is it bottled ? ’ [he]2579-lord asks , eyeing up the jug on the side . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john doubt it . Stop being a water snob and drink . ’ [He]2579-lord follows through on [my]2813-john demand and takes a few sips . ‘[2813-john] Do n’t let [that nurse]2584-that nurse give [me]2813-john a bed bath . ’ ‘[2584-that nurse] Why not ? ’ [I]2584-that nurse ask , placing the cup on the unit next to the bed . ‘[2584-that nurse] It ’s [her]2584-that nurse job , [Jesse]306-jesse and [she]2584-that nurse ’s been doing it very well for the past two weeks . ’ ‘[2584-that nurse] Two weeks ? ’ [he]2579-lord blurts . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’ve been out for two weeks ? ’ ‘[2813-john] Yes , but it felt more like two hundred years . ’ [I]2813-john rest [my]2813-john backside on the edge of the bed and take [his]2579-lord hand , twirling [his]2579-lord wedding band thoughtfully . ‘[2813-john] Do n’t ever complain to [me]2813-john about having a long day again . ’ ‘[2813-john] Okay . ’ [he]2579-lord agrees . ‘[2584-that nurse] [She]2584-that nurse has n’t really been sponging [me]2813-john down , has [she]2584-that nurse ? ’ [I]2584-that nurse smile . ‘[2584-that nurse] No , [I]2813-john have . ’ [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] stunned when [his]2813-john eyes sparkle and [he]2813-john pouts playfully . How can [he]2813-john even think about that ? ‘ So while [I]2813-john was naked and unconscious , [you]2813-john were … fondling [me]2813-john ? ’[2813-john] ‘ No , [I]2813-john was washing [you]2813-john . ’[2813-john] ‘ And [you]2813-john did n’t have a sneaky touch ? ’[2813-john] ‘ Of course . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john brace [my]2813-john hands on either side of [his]2813-john head and float [my]2813-john face over [his]2813-john smug one . ‘ [I]2813-john needed to lift [you]2813-john limp dick to get to [your]2813-john saggy balls . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m not able to prevent [my]2813-john grin , especially when [his]2813-john eyes widen before narrowing fiercely . This is [a man who prides [himself]4307-a man who prides himself on his body and sexual capabilities on [his]4307-a man who prides himself on his body and sexual capabilities body and sexual capabilities]4307-a man who prides himself on his body and sexual capabilities . [I]2813-john should n’t tease [him]4307-a man who prides himself on his body and sexual capabilities like this . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m in hell . ’[2813-john] [he]2813-john mutters . ‘ Fucking hell on earth . Get [me]2813-john [a doctor]2570-a doctor . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] going [home]2904-home . ’ ‘[2813-john] [You]2813-john ’re going nowhere . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john kiss [him]2813-john chastely and leave [him]2813-john brooding and muttering on the bed while [I]2813-john nip to the loo . It ’s the first time in weeks , probably [my]2813-john whole life , that [I]2813-john ’ve carried out the mundane chore with a huge smile on [my]2813-john face . [My]2813-john heart is beating strongly in [my]2813-john chest . [I]2813-john might even be giving [[our]2586-our babies]3539-our babies a headache . When [I]2813-john re - enter [[his]2813-john room]2588-his room , [the doctor]3089-the doctor is examining [Jesse]306-jesse . [I]2813-john stand quietly to the side while listening to the questions and one word answers that are exchanged between [the two men]2590-the two men . [I]2813-john make mental notes and watch carefully as [the Doctor]3089-the doctor re - dresses the wound and removes the drains . [He]2813-john ’s seems happy with the healing and delighted with [Jesse]306-jesse ’s alertness . [The doctor]3089-the doctor is n’t so keen to remove [Jesse]306-jesse ’s catheter , though , and not even a five minute , heated exchange of words between [them]2590-the two men convinces [him]306-jesse . ‘ Maybe tomorrow , ’[306-jesse] [he]306-jesse tries to appease [Jesse]306-jesse . ‘ [We]4309-we ’ll see if [you]2591-you ’re[306-jesse] up for a little walk about tomorrow . [You]2591-you ’ve just come round , [Jesse]306-jesse . ’ ‘[306-jesse] What about this , then ? ’ [Jesse]306-jesse indicates the needle in [his]306-jesse arm , but [the doctor]3089-the doctor shakes [his]306-jesse head and [Jesse]306-jesse snorts [his]306-jesse disgust . After seeing through [his]306-jesse observations , [the Doctor]3089-the doctor leaves and [I]306-jesse settle back in the chair . ‘[306-jesse] The more [you]2591-you cooperate , the sooner [you]2591-you ’ll be released . ’ ‘[306-jesse] [You]2591-you look tired . ’ [he]306-jesse says , changing the subject and directing the concern onto [me]2591-you . ‘[2591-you] Are [you]2591-you eating ? ’ ‘[2591-you] Yes , ’ [My]536-ava traitor fingers dive into [my]536-ava messy hair , totally giving [me]536-ava away . ‘[536-ava] [Ava]536-ava , ’ [he]306-jesse moans . ‘[536-ava] Go now and get something to eat . ’ ‘[2774-kate] [[My]2813-john mum]2774-kate fed [me]2813-john a salad . [I]2813-john ’m not hungry . ’[2813-john] [His]2813-john eyes widen at the mention of [[my]2813-john mum]2774-kate . [I]2813-john know what ’s coming . ‘ What have [you]2774-kate told [them]2774-kate ? ’[2813-john] ‘ Everything . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john admit . [I]2813-john blubbered [my]2813-john way through it all while [[my]2813-john mum]2774-kate soothed and hushed [me]2813-john . [She]2774-kate was quietly tolerant . It was bizarre . ‘ Except [your]2813-john four day absence . ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john nods thoughtfully , almost acceptingly . [He]2813-john must know [I]2813-john could never have avoided it . ‘ Okay . ’[2813-john] [he]2813-john says quietly . ‘ Go and get something to eat . ’[2813-john] ‘ [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] not hun … ’ ‘[2813-john] Do n’t make [me]2813-john tell [you]2813-john again , [lady]2813-john , ’ [he]2813-john snaps . ‘[2813-john] because piss bag or not , [I]2813-john ’ll march [you]2813-john down to [that fucking restaurant]2593-that fucking restaurant [myself]2813-john and shove some food down [your]2813-john throat ! ’ [I]2813-john wisely halt all further arguments . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] really not hungry , but [I]2813-john know [he]2813-john absolutely would , so [I]2813-john drag [my]2813-john tired body from the chair and retrieve the twenty that [[my]2813-john dad]2779-dad left for [me]2813-john in [Jesse]306-jesse ’s bedside cabinet . ‘ [I]2813-john ’ll get [you]2813-john something , too . ’[2813-john] ‘ [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] not hungry . ’ [He]2813-john does n’t even look at [me]2813-john . [He]2813-john ’s lost in thought . [He]2813-john ’s ashamed , but [he]2813-john should n’t be . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] not , so neither should [he]2813-john . [I]2813-john hide [my]2813-john look of astonishment at [his]2813-john curt reply . [I]2813-john ’m not going to argue with [him]2813-john because it will get [me]2813-john absolutely nowhere and only stress [him]2813-john out . [I]2813-john ’ll get [him]2813-john something and force feed [him]2813-john if [he]2813-john refuses to eat it . [His]2813-john mood and [my]2813-john affronted state goes nowhere near to dampening down the elation dancing through [me]2813-john . The presence of [his]2813-john arrogance and challenging ways really is a sign that [I]2813-john have [[my]2813-john Jesse]2813-john back . [I]2813-john would n’t have [him]2813-john any other way . Chapter 34 [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] munching [my]2813-john way through a Dairy Milk as [I]2813-john drag [my]2813-john feet down [the hospital corridor]2909-the corridor . [I]2813-john feel so much better in [myself]2813-john , more alive and awake , but [my]2813-john body is n’t agreeing with [my]2813-john mind . It needs rest . Rounding the corner that leads back to [[Jesse]306-jesse ’s room]2596-jesse ’s room , [I]2813-john halt as soon as [I]2813-john see [Sarah]60-sarah hovering outside [Jesse]306-jesse ’s door . [She]60-sarah goes to take the handle , but pulls back again , then turns , deciding to leave . [She]60-sarah spots [me]2813-john and freezes , looking out of place and awkward . [I]2813-john have n’t seen [her]60-sarah here since [Jesse]306-jesse was admitted , and [I]2813-john thought [she]60-sarah had stayed away , but seeing [her]60-sarah now , hanging around [the corridor]2909-the corridor , [I]2813-john realise that [she]60-sarah ’s probably been here most days . [I]2813-john know if [I]2813-john ’d have seen [her]60-sarah before now , [I]2813-john might have lashed out in grief , but not now . Not knowing what [I]2813-john know now . [I]2813-john ’ll never forgive [her]60-sarah for what [she]60-sarah ’s done , but having learnt of [her]60-sarah history , [I]2813-john ’d be inhuman if [I]2813-john did n’t feel some compassion for [the woman]60-sarah . [She]60-sarah lost [a child]1251-a child . It ’s tragic and [she]60-sarah ’s put up a hard faced front to protect [herself]60-sarah . [She]60-sarah wanted [Jesse]306-jesse . [She]60-sarah saw a reason to unite and sooth [each other]3052-each other ’s grief , whereas [he]306-jesse saw [her]60-sarah as a reminder of what [he]306-jesse lost because of a poor decision to fuck [her]60-sarah . Two suffering souls who used [each other in different ways]2599-each other in different ways , except [Jesse]306-jesse found [his]306-jesse salvation elsewhere . And [Sarah]60-sarah still wants [him]306-jesse to be [hers]60-sarah . ‘ Are [you]60-sarah okay ? ’[60-sarah] [I]2813-john ask , not knowing what else to say to [her]60-sarah . [I]2813-john ’ve shocked [her]60-sarah with [my]2813-john question . [She]60-sarah looks tearful , but [she]60-sarah ’s trying to keep up a hard persona . [I]2813-john quickly realise that [she]60-sarah does n’t know [he]306-jesse ’s awake . [I]2813-john ’m sure [John]2813-john has been keeping [her]60-sarah informed , but [he]2813-john does n’t know either . ‘[306-jesse] [He]306-jesse ’s come round . ’ [Her]60-sarah eyes snap to [mine]2813-john . ‘[306-jesse] [He]306-jesse ’s okay ? ’ ‘[306-jesse] [He]306-jesse will be , if [the stubborn idiot]2600-the stubborn idiot listens to [the Doctor]3089-the doctor . ’ [I]2600-the stubborn idiot hold up a miniature jar of peanut butter that [I]2600-the stubborn idiot found in [the restaurant]2975-the restaurant . ‘[2600-the stubborn idiot] And eats . ’ [She]60-sarah smiles . It ’s a nervous smile . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john hope [you]2602-your little girl ’ve got more than one of those . ’ ‘[2813-john] Ten . ’ [I]2813-john lift [my]2813-john arm where a paper bag is dangling . ‘[2813-john] But it ’s not [Sun - Pat]374-patrick , so [he]306-jesse ’ll probably reject it . ’ [She]60-sarah actually laughs , but stops quickly , and [I]60-sarah know that it ’s because [she]60-sarah thinks it ’s inappropriate . It probably is , not because the situation is n’t funny , but because [she]60-sarah ’s laughing with [me]60-sarah . ‘[60-sarah] [I]2813-john know everything , [Sarah]60-sarah . ’ [I]60-sarah need [her]60-sarah to appreciate that [my]60-sarah empathy is only because of [my]60-sarah new knowledge . ‘[60-sarah] [I]2813-john ’ll never forget what [you]2602-your little girl tried to do to [us]2603-us , but [I]2813-john think [I]2813-john understand why [you]2602-your little girl did it . ’ [Her]2602-your little girl red lips part , [her]2602-your little girl mouth falling open in shock . ‘[306-jesse] [He]306-jesse told [you]2602-your little girl ? ’ ‘[306-jesse] About [[your]2602-your little girl little girl]2602-your little girl . About [Rosie]206-rosie . About [Carmichael]323-carmichael , the car accident and why [the girls]2563-the girls were with [Carmichael]323-carmichael in the first place . ’ ‘[323-carmichael] Oh . ’ [Her]2602-your little girl eyes fall to the blue plastic floor . ‘[323-carmichael] It ’s always been [ours]2605-i . ’ [She]2602-your little girl means [their]2563-the girls story and connection . And [I]2605-i ’ve severed it . [The woman standing in front of [me]2605-i]222-this man has always exuded confidence and cockiness , and [I]2605-i have striped [her]2602-your little girl down to the bare truth . [I]2605-i do feel sorry for [her]2602-your little girl . [I]2605-i ’m[2605-i] feeling sorry that [I]2813-john have everything [she]2602-your little girl wants , and [I]2813-john ’ve got it with [the man who [she]2602-your little girl wants it with]222-this man . [She]2602-your little girl tried to take [her]2602-your little girl own life , but that will never make [me]2813-john stand down . Nothing will ever make [me]2813-john stand down . Not scorned [ex - lovers , high - class sex clubs]2607-ex - lovers , high - class sex clubs , drink problems , [psychotic ex - wives]2608-psychotic ex - wives , the shock of [a lost daughter]2609-a lost daughter , or the desolation of [Sarah]60-sarah . Neither will the madness that surrounds all of those reasons . [This Man]222-this man has thrown everything at [me]2813-john , and [I]2813-john still do n’t plan on going anywhere . Unbreakable . ‘ Can [I]2602-your little girl see [him]222-this man ? ’[2602-your little girl] [she]2602-your little girl asks quietly . ‘ [I]2813-john ’ll understand if [you]2813-john refuse . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john should refuse , but compassion refuses to let [me]2813-john . [I]2813-john need closure on this , and [she]2602-your little girl does , too . ‘ Sure . [I]2602-your little girl ’ll wait here . ’[2602-your little girl] [I]2813-john sit [myself]2813-john down on a hard plastic chair and watch [her]2602-your little girl disappear into [[his]222-this man room]2588-his room . [I]2813-john do n’t need to hear what will be said . [I]2813-john have a good idea , anyway , so instead [I]2813-john finish [my]2813-john chocolate bar , [my]2813-john body thanking [me]2813-john for the instant sugar hit . ‘ [Ava]536-ava ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john look up and see [[Jesse]306-jesse ’s mum]3840-his mother and [sister]2501-sister hurrying down [the corridor]2909-the corridor . ‘ Hi , ’[3840-his mother] [I]2813-john speak around a mouthful of chocolate and hold [my]2813-john hand up to signal [my]2813-john inability to say any more . ‘ [The nurse]3515-beatrice said [he]306-jesse ’s awake . [Jesse]306-jesse ’s awake . ’[2813-john] [Beatrice]3515-beatrice looks over at the door , then back to [me]2813-john . [I]2813-john nod and chew fast , swallowing so [I]2813-john can give [her]3515-beatrice the information [she]3515-beatrice needs . ‘ [He]306-jesse ’s fine . Grumpy but fine . ’[2813-john] ‘ Oh , thank [you]152-amalie , [Jesus]306-jesse ! ’[3515-beatrice] [She]3515-beatrice turns and throws [her]3515-beatrice arms around [Amalie]152-amalie . ‘ [He]306-jesse ’s going to be okay . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john watch as [Amalie]152-amalie smiles over [[her]3515-beatrice mum]2614-her mum ’s shoulder at [me]2813-john . ‘ [Grumpy]208-grumpy ? ’[152-amalie] ‘ Or stubborn — whichever . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john shrug on a smile , and [her]3515-beatrice green eyes glimmer in understanding . ’ ‘[3515-beatrice] The latter , for sure . ’ [she]3515-beatrice confirms , holding [[her]3515-beatrice sobbing mother]2614-her mum in [her]3515-beatrice arms . ‘[3515-beatrice] It ’s good to see [you]2615-you eating . ’ [I]152-amalie look down at the wrapper of the chocolate bar [I]152-amalie ’ve just demolished and smile , thinking how good it feels to eat . [I]152-amalie could easily tuck away another . ‘[152-amalie] Where ’s [Henry]152-amalie ? ’ [I]152-amalie ask . ‘[152-amalie] Just parking [the car]709-the car . Would [you]2615-you mind if [we]2617-we see [him]152-amalie ? ’ [Amalie]152-amalie asks . [I]2618-i ’m[2618-i] very abruptly hit with the hard realisation that [Jesse]306-jesse does n’t know [they]2618-i ’re here . And [I]306-jesse have no idea how to handle it . After [our]2617-we last encounter with [[his]306-jesse parents]1475-his parents , [I]306-jesse should avoid subjecting [him]306-jesse to the potentially stressful situation , but [my]306-jesse conniving mind is jumping all over the fact that [he]306-jesse ca n’t escape . And whilst [I]306-jesse might be taking a huge risk , [I]306-jesse know it will be [my]306-jesse only opportunity to get [them]2618-i in [the same room]4312-the same room together . [He]306-jesse will have to listen . If [he]306-jesse does n’t like what [her]4313-her hears , then so be it , but [I]306-jesse ’ve watched [[his]306-jesse family]2789-his family grieving . [I]306-jesse saw it clearly , even through [my]306-jesse own grief . Now is the time to put all wrongs right , no matter who is to blame . This is what [I]306-jesse hope , but it ’s [his]2619-him choice , and [I]306-jesse ’ll stick by whatever [he]2619-him decides . ‘[306-jesse] [I]2813-john have n’t had the chance to tell [him]2619-him [you]2620-you ’re here yet . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john explain , almost apologetically . ‘ As soon as [he]2619-him woke , [the doctors]3094-the doctors were on [him]2619-him and now [a friend]1001-a friend is in there . ’[2813-john] ‘ Can [you]2620-you do that ? ’[3515-beatrice] [Beatrice]3515-beatrice breaks away from [Amalie]152-amalie and retrieves a tissue from under the cuff of [her]3515-beatrice cardigan . ‘ Can [you]2620-you tell [him]2619-him [we]2622-we ’re[3515-beatrice] [here]2799-here ? ’ ‘[2813-john] Of course , but … ’ [Amalie]152-amalie cuts [me]2813-john off . ‘[2813-john] [We]2622-we do n’t want [him]2619-him upset , so do n’t push it . ’ ‘[2620-you] [You]2620-you ’ll try , though . ’ [Beatrice]3515-beatrice clasps [my]2620-you hands pleadingly . ‘[2620-you] Please , try hard for [me]2813-john , [Ava]536-ava . ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john will . ’ [I]2813-john feel the pressure , but [I]2813-john also feel the desperation that ’s seeping from every pore of [this lady]536-ava . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] the key to [her]3515-beatrice re - connecting with [[her]3515-beatrice son]2623-her son . [She]3515-beatrice knows it , [Amalie]152-amalie knows it , and [I]2813-john know it . [We]2624-we all turn when the door to [[Jesse]306-jesse ’s room]2596-jesse ’s room opens and [Sarah]60-sarah steps out . [She]3515-beatrice ’s been crying , and as [she]3515-beatrice lifts [her]3515-beatrice hand to wipe [her]3515-beatrice eyes , the sleeve of [her]3515-beatrice jacket rides up and [I]2813-john see a bandage around [her]3515-beatrice wrist . But [I]2813-john ’m distracted from this when [I]3515-beatrice feel the hackles on [[Jesse]306-jesse ’s mother]4317-jesse ’s mother rise . [Sarah]60-sarah ’s tear drenched eyes widen in shock . ‘[3515-beatrice] [Beatrice]3515-beatrice ? ’ [she]3515-beatrice splutters , shutting the door . ‘[3515-beatrice] What the hell are [you]2626-you doing here , [[you]2626-you vindictive bitch]2627-you vindictive bitch ! ’ [[Jesse]306-jesse ’s mother]4317-jesse ’s mother snipes coldly . It does n’t take any more words to confirm that [Beatrice]3515-beatrice knows about [Sarah]60-sarah and [Jesse]306-jesse ’s encounter and the events that followed — the events that took [[her]3515-beatrice granddaughter]3515-beatrice . ‘[381-mother] [Mother]381-mother ! ’ [Amalie]152-amalie yells , shocked . [I]381-mother ’m[381-mother] shocked . [Sarah]60-sarah is definitely shocked , and then the door to [[Jesse]306-jesse ’s room]2596-jesse ’s room swings open and [he]306-jesse ’s standing there , shocked . [I]2813-john gasp and rush over to [him]306-jesse , noting [he]306-jesse ’s wrapped in a thin sheet at the waist and has practically dragged [his]306-jesse drip and catheter frame with [him]306-jesse . ‘ [Jesse]306-jesse , for [God]306-jesse ’s sake ! ’[306-jesse] ‘ [Mum]246-mum ? ’[306-jesse] [he]306-jesse looks so confused and a little unsteady . [[Jesse]306-jesse ’s [mother]381-mother]381-mother ’s screwed up face of hatred softens immediately at the sight of [[her]381-mother son]2623-her son looking so pale . ‘ Oh [Jesse]306-jesse , [[you]306-jesse stupid man]2623-her son . Get back in bed now ! ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m even more shocked now . [I]381-mother look up and find nothing but puzzlement on [his]2623-her son bearded , dazed face , and then [I]381-mother turn , seeing [Beatrice]3515-beatrice clearly fighting [her]3515-beatrice motherly instinct to put [him]2623-her son back in bed [herself]3515-beatrice . [I]381-mother ’m[381-mother] not sure what to make of it . Is [she]381-mother even entitled to demand such a thing ? This is an incredibly bizarre situation , but as [I]2813-john watch [Sarah]60-sarah skulk off quietly and see [Amalie]152-amalie and [Beatrice]3515-beatrice scanning [Jesse]306-jesse ’s tall frame worriedly , [I]2813-john quickly snap back into action . ‘ Give [me]2813-john five minutes , [Beatrice]3515-beatrice . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john say , pushing [Jesse]306-jesse back into [the room]254-the room and shutting the door behind [me]2813-john . ‘ What do [you]2813-john think [you]2813-john ’re[306-jesse] playing at ? Get in bed ! ’ [His]306-jesse mouth falls open to yell at [me]2813-john , but soon snaps shut again when [he]306-jesse starts to sway . ‘[2813-john] Oh shit ! ’ [I]2813-john ’ll never catch [him]306-jesse . ‘[2813-john] Shit , shit , shit ! ’ [I]913-an idiot drop [my]913-an idiot bag and frantically guide [him]306-jesse back to the bed , but [I]913-an idiot can do nothing more than let [him]306-jesse collapse in a heap of hard muscle . ‘[913-an idiot] [You]913-an idiot ’re [an idiot]913-an idiot , [Ward]306-jesse . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m so mad with [him]306-jesse . ‘[2813-john] Why ca n’t [you]913-an idiot do what [you]913-an idiot ’re bloody told ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john sort [his]2632-his drip and catheter out before heaving [his]2632-his heavy legs into place and re - covering [him]2632-his with the sheet . ‘ [I]2632-his feel pissed . ’[2632-his] [he]2632-his slurs , lifting [his]2632-his arm and draping [his]2632-his it across [his]2632-his head . ‘ [You]913-an idiot got up too quickly . ’[2632-his] ‘ What are [they]4318-they doing here , [Ava]536-ava ? ’[2632-his] [he]2632-his asks quietly . ‘ [I]2632-his do n’t want to see [them]4318-they . ’[2632-his] [My]2813-john shoulders droop spectacularly , but [I]2813-john quickly check [his]2632-his dressing before sitting on [his]2632-his bed and pulling [his]2632-his arm away from [his]2632-his hiding face . [He]2632-his looks at [me]2813-john with beseeching eyes . It kills [me]2813-john , but [I]2813-john ’m going to try anyway . ‘[2813-john] [You]2633-you have [me]2813-john , and [I]2813-john ’m all [you]2633-you need , [I]2813-john know that ; but this is a chance to put everything in [your]2633-you life right . Just give [them]4319-them a few minutes . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] here forever , no matter what , but [I]2813-john ca n’t let [you]2633-you pass up an opportunity to find peace in this element of [your]2633-you life , [Jesse]306-jesse . ’ ‘[306-jesse] [I]2813-john do n’t want anything to ruin what [I]2813-john have . ’ [he]306-jesse grates the words through [his]306-jesse clenched teeth , squeezing [his]306-jesse eyes shut . ‘[306-jesse] Listen to [me]2813-john . ’ [I]306-jesse grab [his]306-jesse cheek and wiggle it , prompting [him]306-jesse to open [his]306-jesse eyes . ‘[306-jesse] After everything [we]2634-we have been through , do [you]2633-you really think there is anything else that could possibly fracture what [we]2634-we have ? ’ If that is [his]2813-john only concern , then [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] more determined to repair this . ‘ It ’ll be done on [your]2633-you terms . [We]2634-we ’ll take it slow , and [they]2634-we will accept it . ’[2813-john] ‘ [I]2813-john only need [you]2633-you . ’[2813-john] [he]2813-john murmurs bitterly , slipping [his]2813-john hand under [his]2813-john t - shirt and finding [my]2813-john tummy . ‘ Just [you]2633-you and [[our]2634-we babies]3539-our babies . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john sigh , placing [my]2813-john hand over [his]2813-john . ‘ [You]2633-you do n’t have to want something to need it , [Jesse]306-jesse . [We]2636-we ’re[3535-twins] having [twins]3535-twins . [I]2813-john know [we]2636-we have each other , but [we]2636-we ’ll need [[our]2636-we families]4278-our families , too . And [I]2813-john ’d like [[our]2636-we children]1497-our children to have [two sets of [grandparents]1224-grandparents]2639-two sets of grandparents . [We]2636-we ’re not normal , but [we]2636-we should make [[our]2636-we children]1497-our children ’s lives as normal as possible . It wo n’t change [us]2636-we or what [we]2636-we have together . ’[2636-we] [I]2813-john can see [him]2813-john grasping [my]2813-john logic , [his]2813-john pale face mulling over [my]2813-john statement until [he]2813-john nods lightly and gingerly pulls [me]2813-john down , engulfing [me]2813-john with [his]2813-john arms . [I]2813-john relax into [him]2813-john , thankful that [he]2813-john will at least attempt to do this . [I]2813-john wo n’t hold [my]2813-john breath for an instant remedy or reunion , but it ’s a start . ‘ Tell [me]2813-john [you]2813-john love [me]2813-john . ’[2813-john] [he]2813-john says into [my]2813-john hair . ‘ [I]2813-john love [you]2813-john . ’[2813-john] ‘ Tell [me]2813-john [you]2813-john need [me]2813-john . ’[2813-john] ‘ [I]2813-john need [you]2813-john . ’[2813-john] ‘ Okay . ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john releases [me]2813-john . ‘ Plump [my]2813-john pillow , [wife]2844-sam . [I]2813-john need to be comfy for this . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ignore [his]2813-john insolence and make [him]2813-john comfy . ‘ [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] going to give [you]2641-you some privacy . ’ [I]2641-you tell [him]2813-john , standing and making [my]2641-you way to the door . ‘[2641-you] [You]2641-you ’re not staying ? ’[2813-john] [he]2813-john blurts , [his]2813-john green eyes bulging in panic . ‘ No . [I]2813-john do n’t need to . [You]2641-you ’ll be fine . ’[2813-john] It takes every effort not to sit and hold [his]2813-john hand through this , but [he]2813-john needs to do this for [himself]2813-john . [I]2813-john might have played the babies card , but [my]2813-john reasons are far deeper than the need to have [more family around [us]2643-us]2642-more family around us . [Jesse]306-jesse needs to heal physically and mentally . Forgiving [[his]306-jesse parents]1475-his parents will play a massive role in that . [I]2813-john open the door and smile at [Beatrice]3515-beatrice and [[Amalie]152-amalie , who have since been joined by [Henry]152-amalie]152-amalie . [I]2813-john say nothing . [I]2813-john leave the door open for [them]1475-his parents and lose [myself]2813-john for a time while [I]2813-john let [a lost family]2645-a lost family find [themselves]2645-a lost family again . Chapter 35 [I]2813-john ’m in [Paradise]41-paradise . After [Jesse]306-jesse got the all clear from [the doctors]3094-the doctors a full week after [he]306-jesse woke , [we]4323-we left [the hospital]742-the hospital , [me]2813-john leading [him]306-jesse . [He]306-jesse refused the wheelchair that was delivered to [[his]306-jesse room]2588-his room , which [I]2813-john was n’t surprised about at all . [[My]2813-john big , strapping man]4326-my big , strapping man had been laid up for three weeks , dependant on [others]472-others to care for [him]306-jesse , so [I]2813-john could n’t deny [him]306-jesse the dignity of walking out of [the hospital]742-the hospital , even if it took [us]4323-we an hour . [We]4323-we returned to [Lusso]95-lusso , where [Cathy]1284-cathy fussed and flapped around like [a mother hen]4328-a mother hen , ensuring cupboards were full , washing was done and [the whole place]4329-the whole place looked like it did on the launch night before it had been lived in . Then [I]2813-john gave [her]1284-cathy a few weeks off . [We]4323-we needed privacy in [[our]4323-we home]2317-our home . [I]2813-john needed to look after [Jesse]306-jesse . [I]2813-john needed to nurse [him]306-jesse back to [the man who [I]2813-john know and love]306-jesse . The first week was a washout . Streams of [constant visitors]4331-constant visitors plagued [the penthouse]3011-the penthouse , including [[Jesse]306-jesse ’s parents]1475-his parents . It ’s still odd and a little strained , but [I]2813-john can see a light in [[my]2813-john husband]420-my husband ’s eyes that [I]2813-john never have before . It ’s different to the sparkle of lust or the deepening in anger . This is peace . [The police]1873-the police paid numerous visits during that first week . It was probably too soon , but [Jesse]306-jesse insisted on getting the chore out of the way so [we]4323-we could resume [our]4323-we normal . [Patrick]374-patrick stopped by with [[my]2813-john work colleagues]1106-my work colleagues , expressing [his]374-patrick sincere apologies for putting [me]2813-john in such an awful situation , but [he]374-patrick was n’t to know , and neither was poor [Sal]60-sarah . [She]60-sarah ’s well and truly back to dreary , plaid skirt wearing [Sal]60-sarah , but [she]60-sarah seemed happy enough . [Mikael]74-mikael withdrew from the deal to buy [Rococo Union]6-rococo union and [Patrick]374-patrick offered [me]2813-john [my]2813-john job back , but [I]2813-john politely declined and [Jesse]306-jesse did n’t try to convince [me]2813-john otherwise . [I]2813-john ca n’t return to work , and [I]2813-john really do n’t want to . For the following three weeks after that first hectic one , there was constant contact , just how [he]374-patrick likes it . [We]4337-we bathed every morning and indulged in hours of tub - talk . [I]2813-john re - dressed [his]374-patrick wound , [he]374-patrick rubbed Bio Oil into [my]2813-john tummy . [I]2813-john cooked breakfast , [he]374-patrick fed it to [us]4337-we , both naked . [He]374-patrick read [his]374-patrick pregnancy manual out loud , [I]2813-john listened intently . [He]374-patrick chose to skim past the parts that would put [his]374-patrick ridiculous worries to rest , and [I]2813-john chose to snatch the book from [his]374-patrick hand and read those parts aloud to [him]374-patrick . [He]374-patrick would scowl , [I]2813-john would grin . [He]374-patrick wanted lots of sex , but [I]2813-john did n’t want to hurt [him]374-patrick , which is ironic after the constant battle [we]4337-we ’ve had in this aspect of [our]4337-we relationship since [I]2813-john ’ve been pregnant . It ’s been hard . [My]2813-john raging hormones are not improving . Now , four weeks later , [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] spread eagled on the bed in [the main bedroom of [Paradise]41-paradise]2646-the main bedroom of paradise , [I]2813-john ’m naked and [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] basking at the highest level of [Central Jesse Cloud Nine]306-jesse . ‘ Comfy ? ’[2813-john] [My]2813-john head lifts so [my]2813-john eyes can locate the whereabouts of [[my]2813-john Lord]222-this man , finding [him]222-this man standing in the doorway of [the bathroom]2800-the bathroom , naked , just how [I]2813-john like [him]222-this man . ‘ No , because [you]4338-you are not in here with [me]222-this man . ’[222-this man] [I]2813-john pat the mattress , and [he]222-this man blasts [me]2813-john with [his]222-this man smile — [my]2813-john smile . [He]222-this man does n’t lie next to [me]2813-john , though . [He]222-this man spreads [my]2813-john legs and crawls up between [my]2813-john thighs , resting [his]222-this man freshly shaved chin on [my]2813-john growing tummy and looking up at [me]2813-john with those glorious greens . ‘ Good morning , [[my]222-this man beautiful girl]0-my beautiful girl . ’[222-this man] ‘ Good morning . ’[2813-john] [My]2813-john fingers seek out [his]222-this man wet hair , and [I]2813-john sink further into the bed on a contented sigh . ‘ What are [we]4340-we doing today ? ’[2813-john] ‘ [I]222-this man have it all planned out . ’[222-this man] [he]222-this man declares , nibbling on [my]2813-john midriff . ‘ [You]0-my beautiful girl will do what [you]0-my beautiful girl ’re[222-this man] told . ’ ‘[222-this man] Does it involve cards ? ’ [I]2813-john enquire casually , but far too hopefully . [I]2813-john ’ll ensure that [I]2813-john lose this time , so there will be no need for the transfer of power . ‘[2813-john] No , ’ [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] disappointed . ‘ Does it involve twilight sleepy sex ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john feel [him]222-this man grin around the flesh that [he]222-this man ’s nibbling on . ‘ Maybe later . ’[222-this man] ‘ Then [I]2813-john ’ll do whatever [you]0-my beautiful girl want . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john advise [him]222-this man , [my]2813-john thighs clenching at the thought of another dreamy session in [the sand]371-the sand , and [my]2813-john mind wishing the day away so later gets here faster . ‘ [Your]0-my beautiful girl day starts right now , [Mrs Ward]72-mrs ward . ’[222-this man] [He]222-this man plants a set a loud kisses around [my]2813-john bellybutton before sitting up and straddling [me]2813-john . [He]222-this man reaches over to the bedside cabinet and retrieves an envelope . ‘ Here . ’[222-this man] ‘ What ’s this ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ask on a frown , gingerly taking it from [him]222-this man . [I]2813-john do n’t like surprises from [this man]222-this man . ‘ Just open it . ’[222-this man] [he]222-this man pushes impatiently , then commences nibbling that lip . [My]2813-john nerves increase when [I]2813-john see cogs starting to fly , too . [I]2813-john ’m not sure that [I]2650-i want to open it , but curiosity is drowning [my]2650-i apprehension , so [I]2650-i slowly pull it open , flicking eyes back and forth between [Jesse]306-jesse and the envelope . Slowly pulling out the piece of paper , [I]2650-i unfold and read the first line . [Haskett]210-haskett and [Sandler]211-sandler property management . That means nothing to [me]2650-i . [I]2650-i read on , but [I]2650-i ca n’t make head nor tail of the legal lingo . [I]2650-i can make sense of the obscene amount of numbers that follow the pound sign halfway down the page , though . ‘[2650-i] [You]2650-i ’ve bought [another house]2651-another house ? ’ [I]2650-i blurt , looking over the paper at [him]222-this man . [I]2650-i say [house]2651-another house but judging by the figure , which [I]2650-i now notice has the words ‘[2650-i] For the sum of ’ written next to it , it could be [a palace]4341-a palace … or maybe even [a castle]4341-a palace . ‘[2650-i] No , [I]2813-john ’ve sold [The Manor]226-the manor . ’ The lip biting has just sprung into the realms of cannibalism . [He]222-this man ’s chomping furiously as [he]222-this man gages [my]2813-john reaction to that statement . ‘[2813-john] [You]2650-i ’ve what ? ’ [I]2650-i ’m[2650-i] trying to sit up , thinking maybe being upright might lessen the shock , but [I]2813-john wo n’t find out because [I]2813-john ’m being pushed back down to the bed . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’ve sold [The Manor]226-the manor . ’ [He]222-this man lays down over [me]2813-john and clasps the sides of [my]2813-john face in [his]222-this man bag palms . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john heard [you]2650-i . Why ? ’ [I]2813-john do n’t understand . [I]2813-john planted the seed , [I]2813-john know , but [I]2813-john never expected [him]222-this man to take a bit of notice . [He]222-this man smiles down at [me]2813-john and lowers [his]222-this man lips to [mine]2813-john , teasingly . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] desperate to know what has instigated this , but [I]2813-john ’m also desperate , as always , for [his]222-this man magic mouth . [I]2813-john drop the document and fall straight into the rhythm [he]222-this man ’s set , finding [his]222-this man big shoulders and feeling [my]2813-john way up to [his]222-this man jaw . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] distracted for now , but [he]2653-he wo n’t get away without an explanation on this . [The Manor]226-the manor is all [he]2653-he knows , even if [he]2653-he ’s not utilising [the facilities]2655-the facilities anymore . ‘ Hmmm , [you]2813-john taste heavenly , [lady]2813-john . ’[2653-he] [He]2653-he bites [my]2813-john bottom lip , pulling back so it drags through [his]2653-he teeth lightly . ‘ Why ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john press , keeping [him]2653-he close to [me]2813-john and wrapping [my]2813-john thighs around [his]2653-he narrow hips . [I]2813-john ’m not letting go until [he]2653-he spills . [He]2653-he gazes at [me]2656-you thoughtfully for a few moments before drawing breath . ‘[2656-you] [You]2656-you know when [you]2656-you ’re [a kid]4342-a kid ? At [primary school]4343-primary school , [I]2656-you mean . ’[2656-you] ‘ Yeah , ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john say slowly , [my]2813-john brow scrunched up , [my]2813-john eyes undoubtedly inquisitive . ‘ Well … ’[2653-he] [he]2653-he sighs . ‘ What the hell would [I]2653-he do if [the babies]3585-the babies asked [me]2653-he to go in for one of those open days [these schools]4345-these schools have ? ’[2653-he] ‘ Open day ? ’[2653-he] ‘ [You]2656-you know , when [daddies]4346-daddies stand up and tell [[their]4346-daddies kid ’s class mates]4347-their kid ’s class mates that [they]4346-daddies ’re[2657-a fireman or a copper] [a fireman or a copper]2657-a fireman or a copper . ’ [I]2657-a fireman or a copper squeeze [my]2657-a fireman or a copper lips together , desperate not to laugh at [him]2653-he when it ’s clearly a worry . ‘[2657-a fireman or a copper] What would [I]2813-john say ? ’ [he]2653-he asks seriously . ‘[2813-john] [You]2813-john ’d tell [them]2659-them [you]2813-john ’re [The Sex Lord of [The Manor]226-the manor]222-this man . ’[2813-john] It ’s no good . [I]2813-john ’m laughing . [God]306-jesse love [this man]222-this man . [My]2813-john fast disappearing hipbone is grasped and [my]2813-john laughter increases . ‘[2813-john] Stop ! ’ ‘[2813-john] Sarcasm does n’t suit [you]2813-john , [lady]2813-john . ’ ‘[2813-john] Please stop ! ’ [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] released and recovering from [my]2813-john bout of hysteria when [I]2813-john catch [his]2813-john concerned expression . [He]2813-john really is worried . ‘ [You]2813-john would tell [them]2659-them that [you]2813-john own [a hotel]710-a hotel , just like [we]4351-we ’d tell [the babies]3585-the babies . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ca n’t believe [I]2813-john ’m trying to give [him]2813-john an out . This , obviously , has always been a concern , but [I]2813-john never pushed it because [I]2813-john know what [that big country estate]4353-that big country estate means to [him]2813-john . [He]2813-john rolls onto [his]2813-john back , and [I]2813-john quickly resume position and sit [myself]2813-john on [him]2813-john . [He]2813-john grasps the tops of [my]2813-john thighs and looks up at [me]2813-john . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john do n’t want it anymore . ’ [He]2813-john ’s really adamant . ‘[2813-john] But it was [[Carmichael]323-carmichael ’s baby]1171-carmichael ’s baby . [You]2661-you would n’t sell it when [[your]2661-you mum]287-your mum and [dad]264-matt demanded it , so why now ? ’ ‘[287-your mum] Because [I]2813-john have [you]2661-you three . ’ ‘[2813-john] [You]2661-you ’ll always have [us]2664-us three , anyway . ’ [He]264-matt ’s not making sense . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john want [you]2661-you three and nothing to complicate that . [I]2813-john do n’t want to lie to [[our]2664-us babies]3585-the babies about [my]2813-john job . [I]2813-john would never allow [them]3585-the babies to spend any time there , which means [my]2813-john time with [you]2661-you and [the babies]3585-the babies would be limited . [The Manor]226-the manor is an obstruction . [I]2813-john do n’t want any obstructions . [I]2813-john have a history , [baby]306-jesse , and [The Manor]226-the manor should be part of it . ’ [I]306-jesse feel untold relief and the smile invading [my]306-jesse face is proof of that . ‘[306-jesse] So [I]2813-john get [you]2661-you all day every day ? ’ [He]2813-john shrugs sheepishly . ‘[2813-john] If [you]2661-you ’ll have [me]2813-john . ’ [I]2813-john dive on [him]2813-john , smothering [him]2813-john all over [his]2813-john wonderfully handsome face . But [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] quickly sitting up again when [I]2813-john think of something . ‘ What about [John]2813-john and [Mario]53-mario ? And [Sarah]60-sarah ? What about [Sarah]60-sarah ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john have no loyalty to [the woman]60-sarah , despite [my]2813-john compassion , but [I]2813-john do n’t want [her]60-sarah attempting suicide again . However , [John]2813-john and [Mario]53-mario [I]2813-john love . ‘ [I]2813-john ’ve spoken to [them]2669-the members . [Sarah]60-sarah ’s taking up an opportunity is [the US]4354-the us and [John]2813-john and [Mario]53-mario are more than ready for retirement . ’[2813-john] ‘ Oh , ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john say acceptingly , but [I]2813-john suspect [they]2669-the members ’ve all picked up a tidy little sum for [their]2669-the members services to [The Manor]226-the manor , no matter what capacity in which [they]2669-the members served . ‘ And will [the members]2669-the members re - new under [the new owners]4355-the new owners ? ’[2671-he] [He]2671-he laughs . ‘ Yes , if [they]2669-the members like playing golf . ’[2671-he] ‘ Golf ? ’[2671-he] ‘ [The grounds]2897-the grounds are being converted into an eighteen hole golf course . ’[2671-he] ‘ Wow . What about [the sports facilities]4357-the sports facilities ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ask . ‘ [They]2669-the members ’re[2813-john] all staying . It ’ll be pretty impressive . Not much different to [my]2813-john set up , except [the private suites]229-the private suites really will be [hotel rooms]2673-hotel rooms and [the communal room]228-the communal room will serve as [a conference room]228-the communal room for businesses . ’ [I]2671-he can imagine it will be impressive . ‘[2671-he] So that ’s it , then ? ’ ‘[2671-he] That ’s it . Now , [I]2813-john need to get [you]2675-you ready for the rest of [your]2675-you day . ’ [He]2671-he goes to sit up , but [I]2813-john pin [him]2671-he back down . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john need to freshen up [my]2813-john mark . ’ [I]2813-john point to [his]2671-he pec , where [my]2813-john perfect circle has nearly disappeared , then [I]2813-john look down at [my]2813-john own barely visible bruise . ‘[2813-john] And [you]2675-you need to work on [mine]2813-john , too . ’ ‘[2813-john] [We]2676-we ’ll do it later , [baby]306-jesse . ’ [I]306-jesse ’m[306-jesse] lifted and placed on [my]2813-john feet . ‘ Go take a shower . ’[2678-he] [He]2678-he slaps [my]2813-john bum , sending [me]2813-john on [my]2813-john way . [I]2813-john wander off without complaint and with a stupid smile on [my]2813-john face . No Manor , no [Sarah]60-sarah , and [Jesse]306-jesse all to [myself]2813-john … and [the babies]3585-the babies . * * * After soaking [myself]2813-john under the lovely hot water and shaving everywhere , [I]2813-john dry [my]2813-john hair roughly and start rummaging through the wardrobe for something to wear . ‘ [I]2678-he ’ve picked something , ’[2678-he] [he]2678-he says from behind [me]2813-john , and [I]2813-john turn to see [him]2678-he wearing a pair of loose swimming shorts , holding up a short lace sundress . ‘ It ’s a bit short , is n’t it ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john observe , running [my]2813-john eyes up and down the delicate piece of clothing , with tiny straps and a floaty skirt . ‘ [I]2678-he ’ll make an exception . ’[2678-he] [he]2678-he shrugs and unzips it before holding it at [my]2813-john feet . By that little statement , [I]2813-john assume [we]2680-we ’re not going anywhere public . [I]2680-we watch [him]2678-he kneel for [me]2680-we to step into the dress , and [he]2678-he secures [me]2680-we before standing back and clasping [his]2678-he chin in [his]2678-he hand thoughtfully . ‘[2680-we] Cute . ’ [He]2678-he nods in approval and takes [my]2813-john hand , leading [me]2813-john to the double doors that lead to [the veranda]3710-the veranda . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john need shoes . ’ ‘[2680-we] [We]2680-we ’re paddling . ’[2678-he] [He]2678-he dismisses [my]2813-john concern and leads on , walking around [the veranda]3710-the veranda and over the grass until [we]2680-we ’re at the gate that leads down to [the beach]1566-the beach . ‘[2680-we] Can [we]2680-we paddle on [our]2680-we backs ? ’ [I]132-pregnancy ask cheekily , and [he]2678-he stops , looking down at [me]132-pregnancy with amused eyes . ‘[132-pregnancy] [Pregnancy]132-pregnancy does wonderful things to [you]2682-you , [Mrs Ward]72-mrs ward . ’ [I]72-mrs ward know [my]72-mrs ward forehead has just wrinkled . ‘[72-mrs ward] [I]2813-john always want [you]2682-you this much . ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john know [you]2682-you do . [You]2682-you ’re missing something . ’[2678-he] [he]2678-he says , producing a calla lily from behind [his]2678-he back and tucking it behind [my]2813-john ear . ‘ Much better . ’[2678-he] [I]2813-john reach up and feel the fresh flower , smiling up at [him]2678-he a little bemused , but far too contented to enquire further . [He]2678-he winks , kisses [my]2813-john cheek and leads on , turning when [we]2683-we get to [the sleepers]2684-the sleepers to ensure [I]2813-john take them carefully . ‘ Watch that piece of splintered wood . ’[2678-he] [he]2678-he says , pointing to a jagged edge on one of the sleepers . ‘ Careful , ’[2678-he] ‘ [You]2682-you should have left [me]2813-john put some shoes on , then . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john grumble , missing that step and leaping down to the next . ’ ‘[536-ava] [Ava]536-ava , no jumping . ’ [he]2678-he huffs . ‘[536-ava] [You]2682-you ’ll shake the babies up . ’ ‘[2682-you] Oh , shut up ! ’ [I]2682-you laugh , jumping [my]2682-you way down the rest of the steps until [my]2682-you feet are warm and sinking into the golden sand . ‘[2682-you] Come on ! ’ [I]2682-you start to run down to [the shore]3782-the shore , but as soon as [my]2682-you head lifts from [my]2682-you feet to look where [I]2682-you ’m[2682-you] going , [I]2813-john stop dead in [my]2813-john tracks . [They]2684-the sleepers are all looking at [me]2813-john . [Every single one of [them]2684-the sleepers]2685-every single one of them . [My]2813-john eyes run down the line of [people]2834-people , noting [everyone]2825-everyone [I]2813-john know , including [[Jesse]306-jesse ’s family]3565-jesse ’s family . [I]2813-john gasp , a little delayed , and swing round , finding [Jesse]306-jesse towering over [me]2813-john , looking down on a smile . ‘ What are [they]2684-the sleepers doing here ? ’[306-jesse] [I]2813-john ask . ‘ [They]2684-the sleepers ’re[2813-john] here to witness [me]2813-john marrying [you]2813-john . ’ ‘[2689-we] But [we]2689-we ’re already married . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john remind [him]2813-john . ‘ [We]2689-we are , are n’t [we]2689-we ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m suddenly considering the possibility of [him]2813-john announcing that [we]2689-we ’re[2813-john] not married at all , that [The Manor]226-the manor , in fact , had no licence . ‘ Yes , [we]2689-we are . But [[my]2813-john mum]2774-kate and [dad]264-matt missed [our]2689-we day , and [we]2689-we should have done it this way before . ’[2813-john] [He]2813-john takes [my]2813-john hand and tugs [my]2813-john reluctant body gently , until [I]2813-john follow [his]2813-john lead down to [the shoreline]2691-the shoreline , where both of [[our]2692-our family]2693-our family and [friends]390-friends are waiting , all smiling , all relaxed . [They]2693-our family part , letting [Jesse]306-jesse pull [me]2813-john through , and [I]2813-john look at each of [them]2693-our family in turn , but all [I]2813-john get are happy faces , [[my]2813-john brother]71-my brother smiling broadest of all . [I]2813-john can do no more than shrug a little , demonstrating [my]2813-john surprise . It ’s only now that [I]2813-john register [Jesse]306-jesse ’s shorts are white and so is [my]2813-john sundress . [We]2692-our ’re getting married again ? [I]2692-our ’m[2692-our] positioned in the wet sand with the gentle waves lapping at [my]2813-john feet , and then [we]2692-our ’re greeted by [a man who looks as relaxed in [his]4362-a man who looks as relaxed in his attire as jesse and me attire as [Jesse]306-jesse and [me]306-jesse]4362-a man who looks as relaxed in his attire as jesse and me and all of [[our]2692-our guests]357-our guests . [I]306-jesse ’m[306-jesse] quiet and accepting as [he]306-jesse welcomes [us]2692-our and joins [our]2692-our hands in the space between [our]2692-our close bodies . [I]2813-john ’ve been caught off guard , but [I]2813-john accept what is happening and repeat the words being asked of [me]2813-john as [I]2813-john look up into [Jesse]306-jesse ’s addictive eyes and smile around each and every word that [I]2813-john say to [him]306-jesse . [I]2813-john re - affirm everything . [I]2813-john renew [my]2813-john promise to love , honour and obey [him]306-jesse and [I]2813-john reach up to kiss [him]306-jesse gently on [his]306-jesse luscious lips when [I]2813-john ’m done . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] on [auto - pilot]2696-auto - pilot , just doing what is asked of [me]2813-john , but not because [I]2813-john do n’t know what else to do , but simply because it ’s what [I]2813-john ’m supposed to do . Despite everything , [I]2813-john entrust [myself]2813-john to [this man]306-jesse . [He]306-jesse leads the way and [I]2813-john follow . Because [I]2813-john know it ’s where [I]2813-john belong . When it ’s [his]306-jesse turn to speak , [the registrar]341-the registrar steps away and [Jesse]306-jesse moves in closer , lifting both of [my]2813-john hands with [his]306-jesse and resting [his]306-jesse lips on [them]341-the registrar , leaving them lingering for the longest time . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john love [you]2697-you . ’ [he]306-jesse whispers , stroking [his]306-jesse thumbs where [his]306-jesse lips have just left . ‘[2813-john] An eternity with [you]2697-you would n’t be enough , [Ava]536-ava . From the moment [my]2813-john eyes fell on [you]2697-you in [[my]2813-john office]678-my office , [I]2813-john knew things would change for [me]2813-john . [I]2813-john plan on devoting every second of [my]2813-john life to worshipping [you]2697-you , adoring [you]2697-you and indulging in [you]2697-you , and [I]2813-john plan on making up for empty years without [you]2697-you . [I]2813-john ’m taking [you]2697-you to [Paradise]41-paradise , [baby]306-jesse . ’[222-this man] [He]222-this man stoops and clasps [me]2813-john under [my]2813-john bum and lifts [me]2813-john high so it ’s now [him]222-this man looking up at [me]2813-john . ‘ Are [you]2697-you ready ? ’[222-this man] ‘ Yes . Take [me]2813-john . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john demand , running [my]2813-john hands into [his]222-this man hair and giving it a yank . ‘ Oh , [I]222-this man took [you]2697-you long ago , [Mrs Ward]72-mrs ward . But right now is where it really begins . ’[222-this man] [He]222-this man kisses [me]2813-john hard . ‘ No more digging to get beneath [me]222-this man . [You]2697-you know everything there so to know . And no more confessions because [I]222-this man have nothing left to tell . ’[222-this man] ‘ [I]2813-john think [you]2697-you have . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john whisper , nuzzling into [his]222-this man neck and taking a hit of [him]222-this man in all of [his]222-this man fresh water , minty loveliness . ‘ [I]222-this man do ? ’[222-this man] [he]222-this man asks , carrying [me]2813-john into the glimmering coolness of the Med . ‘ [You]2697-you do . Tell [me]222-this man [you]2697-you love [me]222-this man . ’[222-this man] [He]222-this man pulls back , green eyes sparkling , [my]2813-john smile gracing [his]222-this man perfect mouth and [his]222-this man dirty blonde hair a glorious , dishevelled mess with [my]2813-john hands tugging demandingly at it . ‘ [I]2813-john love [you]2697-you so fucking much , [baby]306-jesse . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john smile , dropping [my]2813-john head back and closing [my]2813-john eyes as [he]222-this man starts spinning [us]2700-our in circles , the sun warming [my]2813-john face and [his]222-this man body close to [mine]2813-john , warming everywhere else . ‘ [I]2813-john KNOW ! ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john scream , laughing before [we]2700-our ’re under the water and homing straight in on each other ’s lips . [I]128-daddy cling on to [him]222-this man like [my]128-daddy life depends on it because it absolutely does . * * * This is it . This is [us]2700-our . This will be [our]2700-our normal forever and ever , no more shocking discoveries and no more confessions . [His]222-this man two perfect mars on [his]222-this man insanely perfect stomach are a constant reminder of [our]2700-our journey together , but the relentless gleam of happiness in [his]222-this man shockingly green eyes is a continuous reminder that [I]128-daddy still have [this man]222-this man . And [I]128-daddy always will . The End . Epilogue Fuck [me]128-daddy , how long have [I]128-daddy got to endure [[my]128-daddy home]2995-my home being bombarded and [[my]128-daddy wife]2849-my wife and [babies]3632-babies being hogged ? Too fucking long , that ’s how long . Hours , probably . [I]128-daddy should snatch [their]3632-babies gifts and throw them a piece of cake before shutting the door in [their]3632-babies face . [I]128-daddy smile on the inside , picturing [Elizabeth]215-elizabeth ’s face if [I]128-daddy did exactly that . This is going to be painful , and to rub salt into [my]128-daddy moody wounds , [we]2700-our have [school friends]4370-school friends this year , too . And [[their]2700-our mothers]4371-their mothers — [lots of [women]253-women , who have taken [Ava]536-ava up on [her]4372-lots of women , who have taken ava up on her offer to stay offer to stay]4372-lots of women , who have taken ava up on her offer to stay , if [they]4372-lots of women , who have taken ava up on her offer to stay would like to . And , of course , [they]4372-lots of women , who have taken ava up on her offer to stay would like to . [My]128-daddy stroppy feet are pounding down the staircase of [[our]2700-our lovely little Manor]4374-our lovely little manor , as [I]128-daddy button up [my]128-daddy shirt and chew [my]128-daddy lip , thinking of any excuse to avoid this . [I]128-daddy come up with nothing . [[My]128-daddy babies]1517-my babies are five years old today , and not even [daddy]4376-daddy ’s amazing negotiation tactics will convince [them]1517-my babies that a party is a bad idea — not now [they]1517-my babies have [their]1517-my babies own mind . [I]128-daddy ’ve tried for the last four years and fallen flat on [my]128-daddy face , but only because [[my]128-daddy beautiful wife]3293-my beautiful wife always intervened on [their]1517-my babies behalf . [I]128-daddy know this year , though , if [I]128-daddy got [them]1517-my babies alone , [I]128-daddy could break them down with something . Skiing again , perhaps ? Hitting the bottom of [the stairs]3122-the stairs , [I]128-daddy take a quick glimpse in the mirror and smile . [I]128-daddy get better looking every day . [I]128-daddy ’ve still got it , and [she]3293-my beautiful wife still ca n’t resist [me]128-daddy . Life is fucking good . ‘[128-daddy] [Daddy]128-daddy ! ’ [I]128-daddy spin around , and [my]128-daddy hard muscles liquefy as [I]128-daddy watch [[my]128-daddy baby boy]128-daddy running down [the stairs]3122-the stairs , [his]4379-his dark blonde hair a tousled mess around [his]4379-his handsome little face . ‘[128-daddy] Hey , [birthday boy]128-daddy . ’ [His]4379-his greens sparkle as [he]4379-his launches [himself]4379-his at [me]128-daddy , [the good looking little fucker]128-daddy . ‘[128-daddy] Whoa ! ’ [I]128-daddy laugh as [he]4379-his slams into [me]128-daddy , crawling up [my]128-daddy body . ‘[128-daddy] Guess what ? ’ [he]4379-his asks [me]128-daddy , eyes wide with excitement . ‘[128-daddy] What ? ’ [I]128-daddy ’m[128-daddy] not feigning interest . [I]2813-john really am curious . ‘ [Nana Lizabeth]212-nana said [we]4380-we can sleep at [[her]4381-her house]4382-her house tonight . [She]4381-her ’s taking [us]4380-we to [the zoo]4383-the zoo tomorrow ! ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john try to conceal [my]2813-john scowl and match [his]2701-his excitement . ‘ [Nana Lizabeth]212-nana lives too far away , and [Daddy]128-daddy likes taking [you]212-nana to [the zoo]4383-the zoo . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john say , throwing [him]2701-his up onto [my]2813-john shoulders and turning back towards the mirror . ‘ See how handsome [we]4380-we are ? ’[2813-john] ‘ [I]2701-his know . ’[2701-his] [he]2701-his replies flippantly , making [me]2813-john smile . ‘ [Nana]212-nana and [pappy]213-pappy live ten minutes away . [I]2813-john timed it on mummy ’s phone . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m swiftly reminded that [[my]2813-john dear mother]4384-my dear mother - in - law does , in fact , live ten minutes away . The beauty of [Newquay]32-newquay could n’t keep [Elizabeth]215-elizabeth and [Joseph]464-dan away from [[their]4385-their grandchildren]4386-their grandchildren — or [[my]2813-john babies]1517-my babies , more to the point . ‘[2813-john] Hey , [I]2813-john was thinking , ’ [I]2813-john go for subject change , or distraction tactics — whichever . ‘[2813-john] [We]2702-we should go skiing again . ’ [I]2701-his ’m[2701-his] speaking in a stupidly over enthusiastic voice , hoping to snare [him]2701-his . ‘ [We]2702-we already are . ’[2701-his] [His]2701-his little hands rest on [my]2813-john forehead , covering the frown that ’s just jumped into place . ‘ [We]2702-we are ? ’[2701-his] ‘ Yes , [mummy]2813-john said so , and [she]2701-his said not to listen to [you]2704-you if [you]2704-you try to put [us]2702-we off [our]2702-we party . ’[2813-john] [My]2813-john shoulders sag , and [I]2813-john make a mental note to deliver on one retribution fuck , [the conniving little temptress]2703-the conniving little temptress . ‘ [Mummy]2774-kate needs [daddy]4376-daddy ’s money to do that . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m shameless . ‘[2813-john] Why do n’t [you]2704-you want [us]2702-we to have a party , [daddy]4376-daddy ? ’ [His]4376-daddy little forehead matches [mine]2813-john in [the frown department]4388-the frown department , and [I]2706-mate instantly feel like a bag of shit . ‘[2706-mate] [I]2813-john do , [mate]2706-mate . [I]2813-john just do n’t like sharing [you]2706-mate . ’ [I]2813-john admit . ‘[2813-john] [You]2706-mate can play , too . ’ [He]4376-daddy reaches down and kisses [my]2774-kate rough cheek . ‘[2774-kate] [Mummy]2774-kate will be pleased . ’ ‘[2774-kate] Why will [she]2774-kate ? ’ [I]2774-kate know why [she]2774-kate ’ll be pleased . [She]2774-kate ’s intercepted [me]2774-kate . Make that two retribution fucks — one for [her]2774-kate interception and one for [her]2774-kate smugness . ‘[2774-kate] Because [you]2706-mate ’ve not shaved . ’ [He]4376-daddy rubs [his]4376-daddy palm up and down a few times , and [I]2774-kate smile at [[my]2774-kate handsome little man]4376-daddy before striding towards [the kitchen]3044-the kitchen . [I]2774-kate halt at the doorway and spend a few moments drinking in the sight of [[my]2774-kate angel]2227-my angel , frantically stirring a big mixing bowl of some brown shit , the curve of [her]2774-kate perfect arse holding [me]2774-kate rapt . Fucking perfect . [[My]2774-kate little man]4376-daddy does n’t pester [me]2774-kate to push onwards . [He]4376-daddy just sits happily on [my]2774-kate shoulders , waiting for [[his]4376-daddy spellbound father]4376-daddy to snap back into action . [He]4376-daddy ’s used to [me]2774-kate daydreaming , especially when [[his]4376-daddy mother]464-dan is around . [I]2774-kate have no fucking clue what [I]2774-kate ’ve done to deserve [this woman]464-dan and [these beautiful kids]4392-these beautiful kids , but [I]2774-kate wo n’t be arguing with the destiny Gods . ‘[2774-kate] Shit ! ’ [she]464-dan curses as a blob of chocolate flies up and lands on [her]464-dan olive cheek . ‘[2774-kate] [Mummy]2774-kate ! Watch [your]2774-kate mouth ! ’ [She]464-dan swigs around , armed with a wooden spoon lathered in chocolate and scowls at [my]2813-john grinning face before turning [her]464-dan big brown orbs onto [[our]4393-our son]4394-our son . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m sorry , [Jacob]786-jake . ’[2813-john] [My]2813-john grin widens and [her]2774-kate scowl deepens . [I]2813-john ’m so smug , and [I]2813-john ’ll pay for it later . [She]2774-kate ca n’t play the defiant little temptress with [[our]4393-our babies]3539-our babies around , and [I]2813-john love it . ‘[2813-john] What [you]2774-kate making , [baby]2774-kate ? ’ [I]2774-kate ask , lifting [Jacob]786-jake from [my]2774-kate shoulders and placing [him]786-jake on a stool . [I]2774-kate hand [him]786-jake [my]2774-kate phone to play with before heading to the fridge and collecting a jar of [Sun - Pat]374-patrick . ‘[2774-kate] Peanut butter cups . ’ [She]2774-kate ’s all flustered , but [I]2774-kate ’m[2774-kate] not offering [my]2813-john help . [She]2774-kate knows [I]2813-john ’m shit at cooking , and [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] not making this easier . Next year , [I]2813-john ’m predicting skiing . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] behind [her]2774-kate , looking down into the bowl , and [I]2813-john ’m thinking that [I]2813-john might stick to jars . [God]306-jesse bless [her]2774-kate , [she]2774-kate ’s tried a million times , but [she]2774-kate ’ll never match [[my]2813-john mum]2774-kate ’s famous peanut butter cups . ‘[2813-john] How many jars of [my]2813-john peanut butter have [you]2707-you wasted on that ? ’ [I]2813-john ask , pushing [myself]2813-john into [her]1284-cathy back and not missing the opportunity to feel [her]1284-cathy neck out with [my]2813-john lips . [She]1284-cathy smells too good . ‘[2813-john] Two , ’ [She]1284-cathy pushes the bowl away . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john want [Cathy]1284-cathy back . ’ [I]1284-cathy laugh and spin [her]1284-cathy around , pushing [her]1284-cathy into the worktop , the wooden spoon waving in [my]1284-cathy face . [I]1284-cathy ’m[1284-cathy] firming up , damn it . [I]2813-john ca n’t help it . [I]2813-john lean in , as [I]2813-john watch [her]1284-cathy watching [me]2813-john , and lick [her]1284-cathy cheek clean . ‘ Do n’t start something [you]4396-you ca n’t finish , [Ward]72-mrs ward . ’[1284-cathy] [she]1284-cathy whispers on a husky , alluring voice . [I]2813-john ’m solid now . Fucking hell ! [She]1284-cathy pushes [me]2813-john away on a knowing grin . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john need to finish . [Guests]252-guests will be arriving . ’ [She]1284-cathy ’s smug again , earning [herself]1284-cathy a third retribution fuck . [She]1284-cathy knows what [she]1284-cathy ’s doing — [she]1284-cathy knows there will be no countdowns or trampling with [the babies]3585-the babies around . Or [baby]306-jesse . ‘[252-guests] Where ’s [Maddie]2709-maddie ? ’ [I]2709-maddie discreetly adjust [my]2709-maddie groin area before facing [[my]2709-maddie baby boy]128-daddy , who ’s oblivious to the goings on around [him]128-daddy . It ’s not unusual to see [daddy loving mummy]4400-daddy loving mummy . [I]2709-maddie ’ve had to seriously work on [my]2709-maddie control , though . [He]128-daddy does n’t look up from [my]2709-maddie phone , but [I]2709-maddie can see [his]128-daddy little face screw up in disgust . ‘[2709-maddie] [She]2709-maddie ’s putting on [her]2709-maddie party dress . It ’s all frilly . [Nana]212-nana bought it . ’ [My]212-nana eyes roll , knowing that [I]212-nana ’m[212-nana] going to find [[my]2813-john baby girl]2709-maddie looking like candyfloss has exploded all over [her]2709-maddie . ‘ Why does [[your]2709-maddie mother]310-my daughter think [[my]2813-john daughter]310-my daughter needs to look like [she]310-my daughter ’s been attacked with the pink stick ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john sit [myself]2813-john next to [Jacob]786-jake and put the jar between [us]2710-us so [he]786-jake can help [himself]786-jake . And [he]786-jake does . [His]786-jake chubby little finger dives right in and scoops out the biggest dollop . [My]2813-john chest swells with pride , and [I]2813-john exhale around [my]2813-john own finger , looking back up to [Ava]536-ava for an answer . [Her]2709-maddie eyebrows are high as [she]2709-maddie shakes [her]2709-maddie head at [Jacob]786-jake on a fond smile , but then [her]2709-maddie eyes are on [me]2813-john and [she]2709-maddie ’s not smiling anymore . What did [I]2813-john do ? ‘ Do n’t wind [her]2709-maddie up , [Jesse]306-jesse . ’[2813-john] ‘ [I]2813-john wo n’t ! ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john laugh . [I]2813-john bloody will , and [I]2813-john ’ll enjoy every moment of it . ‘ [Nana]212-nana calls [you]306-jesse a menace . ’[786-jake] [Jacob]786-jake looks up at [me]2813-john , [his]786-jake finger still hanging from [his]786-jake mouth . ‘ [She]2709-maddie said [you]306-jesse always have been and always will be . [She]2709-maddie accepts it now . ’[786-jake] [His]786-jake little shoulders shrug . A burst of laughter escapes and now [Ava]536-ava is laughing with [me]2813-john , [her]2709-maddie dreamy chocolate eyes sparkling , [her]2709-maddie succulent lips begging [me]2813-john to take [them]2711-them . Then [she]2709-maddie ditches the apron , revealing [her]2709-maddie tight , tidy little figure . [I]2813-john ’m not laughing now . [I]2709-maddie ’m[2709-maddie] panting and reaching under the table to try and bash [myself]2813-john down . It ’s a constant fucking battle . ‘ [I]2813-john like [your]2813-john dress . ’[2813-john] [My]2813-john eyes take a lazy jaunt down the length of [her]2709-maddie black fitted dress as [I]2813-john plan on how [I]2813-john ’ll remove it later . [I]2813-john might be kind and let [her]2709-maddie wear it again , [she]2709-maddie really does look amazing in it , but by later , [I]2813-john know [I]2813-john wo n’t be in any fit state to take [my]2813-john time . ‘ [You]2712-you like all of mummy ’s dresses . ’[786-jake] [Jacob]786-jake pipes up tiredly , snapping [my]2813-john eyes from that body — the one that sends [me]2813-john insane with want . ‘ [I]786-jake do . ’[786-jake] [I]2813-john agree , giving [his]786-jake messy mop of blonde a ruffle . ‘ Speaking of dresses , [I]786-jake ’m[786-jake] going to find [[your]2712-you sister]1948-your sister . ’ ‘[1948-your sister] Okay , ’ [he]786-jake agrees , turning [his]786-jake attention back to [my]1948-your sister phone and re - dipping [his]786-jake finger . [I]1948-your sister jump up and go in search of [Maddie]2709-maddie , taking the stairs two at a time and bursting into [[her]1948-your sister pink infested room]4402-her pink infested room . ‘[1948-your sister] Where ’s [[my]2813-john birthday girl]1948-your sister ? ’ ‘[1948-your sister] Here ! ’ [she]1948-your sister squeals , appearing from [[her]1948-your sister wendy house]4403-her wendy house . [I]1948-your sister nearly choke on thin air . ‘[1948-your sister] [You]1948-your sister are not wearing that , [little lady]1948-your sister ! ’ ‘[1948-your sister] Yes , [I]2813-john am ! ’ [She]2709-maddie runs across [the room]254-the room when [I]2709-maddie start marching towards [her]2709-maddie . ‘[2709-maddie] [Maddie]2709-maddie ! ’ What the fucking hell ? [She]2709-maddie ’s five ! Five fucking years old , and [I]2709-maddie ’m[2709-maddie] already ripping hot pants and cropped t - shirts from [her]2709-maddie tiny body . Where the fuck is that frilly pink thing ? ‘ [Mummy]2774-kate ! ’[2709-maddie] [she]2709-maddie screams , as [I]2813-john catch [her]2709-maddie ankle on the bed . [She]2709-maddie can scream [the fucking house]2714-the fucking house down . [She]2709-maddie is NOT wearing that . ‘ [Mummy]2774-kate ! ’[2709-maddie] ‘ [Maddie]2709-maddie , come here ! ’[2709-maddie] ‘ No ! ’[2709-maddie] [She]2709-maddie kicks [me]2813-john — the little sod kicks [me]2813-john and dashes out [the room]3044-the kitchen , leaving [me]2813-john a pathetic heap of stressed out daddy on [her]2709-maddie pink , fluffy bed . [I]2813-john ’ve been outdone by [a five year old little girl]1695-her mother . But [that little girl]1695-her mother is [the daughter of [[my]2813-john beautiful wife]1695-her mother]1695-her mother . [I]2813-john ’m fucked . [I]2813-john stand and straighten [myself]2813-john out before going in pursuit . ‘[2813-john] Do n’t run down [the stairs]3122-the stairs , [Maddie]2709-maddie ! ’ [I]2709-maddie yell , practically throwing [myself]2709-maddie down [them]3122-the stairs after [her]1695-her mother . [I]2709-maddie watch [her]1695-her mother tiny little hot panted arse disappear into [the kitchen]3044-the kitchen as [she]1695-her mother searches for the back - up of [[her]1695-her mother mother]1695-her mother . [I]2709-maddie skid to a halt and watch [her]1695-her mother scrambling up [Ava]536-ava ’s body . ‘[2709-maddie] What ’s going on ? ’ [Ava]536-ava asks , looking at [me]2709-maddie like [I]2709-maddie ’ve lost [my]2709-maddie mind . [I]2709-maddie might have . ‘[2709-maddie] Look at [her]2709-maddie ! ’ [I]2709-maddie wave [my]2709-maddie hands at [[my]2709-maddie baby girl]2709-maddie like a deranged screwball . ‘[2709-maddie] Look ! ’ [Ava]536-ava places [her]2709-maddie on the floor and crouches down , pushing [[my]2709-maddie baby]2709-maddie ’s chocolate waves over [her]2709-maddie little shoulders and pulling the hem of that ridiculous t - shirt down . [She]2709-maddie can pull it down all [she]2709-maddie fucking likes . It ’s not staying on [[my]2709-maddie baby]2709-maddie ’s body . ‘[2709-maddie] [Maddie]2709-maddie , ’ [Ava]536-ava ’s gone into pacifying mode , something , perhaps , [I]128-daddy should have thought about before blurting the death words . [I]128-daddy should have learnt by now ; do n’t tell [Maddie]2709-maddie no . It ’s rule number fucking one . ‘[128-daddy] [Daddy]128-daddy thinks [your]2718-you t - shirt is a little small . ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john do . ’ [I]2813-john cut in , just for clarification . ‘[2813-john] Way too small . ’ [[My]2719-my little lady]2709-maddie flips [me]2719-my a scowl . ‘[2719-my] [He]2719-my ’s being unreasonable . ’ [I]2719-my gasp and point an accusing glare at [Ava]536-ava . [She]2709-maddie has the decency to look apologetic . ‘[2719-my] See what [you]2718-you ’ve done ? ’ ‘[128-daddy] [Daddy]128-daddy has the power ! ’ [Jacob]786-jake sings , halting any chance [I]128-daddy had of scoring a win . It ’s [Ava]536-ava who ’s gasping now . ‘[128-daddy] [You]2718-you need to remember , [Ward]72-mrs ward . These little ears hear everything . ’ [I]2720-i do the sensible thing and shut the fuck up . [[My]2720-i wife]2709-maddie ca n’t hide [her]2709-maddie exasperation , and [I]2720-i do n’t expect [her]2709-maddie to . [I]2720-i expect [her]2709-maddie to remove that pathetic excuse of a t - shirt from [[my]2720-i baby girl]2709-maddie ’s tiny body . ‘[2720-i] [He]2720-i ca n’t dictate [my]2813-john wardrobe ! ’ [Maddie]2709-maddie fires across [the kitchen]3044-the kitchen , [her]2709-maddie chubby arms folding across [her]2709-maddie little chest . [I]2720-i look at [my]2720-i defiant temptress , noting [she]2709-maddie ’s failing to hide that fucking beautiful grin . Fucking hell ! [My]2720-i hands fly to [my]2720-i hair and yank . [I]2720-i ’ll have none of the fucking stuff left soon , especially when [Ava]536-ava gets [her]2709-maddie hands on it . [I]2720-i momentarily forget [my]2720-i turmoil and smile , mentally feeling [her]2709-maddie tugging at it while [I]2720-i slam into that beautiful body . But [I]2720-i ’m[2720-i] soon back to reality with [[my]2813-john little lady]60-sarah drilling displeased brown eyes into [me]2813-john . [I]2813-john watch as [Ava]536-ava reasons with [her]60-sarah before grasping [her]60-sarah little shoulders and turning [her]60-sarah towards [me]2813-john . ‘ [Maddie]2709-maddie is ready to compromise . ’[536-ava] [Ava]536-ava tilts [her]60-sarah head with a humour [her]60-sarah look . It does n’t make [me]2813-john feel any better . [I]2813-john ’ve humoured [Maddie]2709-maddie before , and it resulted in [me]2813-john carting [her]60-sarah out of [Waitrose]2776-the place over [my]2813-john shoulder while [she]60-sarah screamed [the place]2776-the place down and kicked [me]2813-john to death . [I]2813-john look back to [Ava]536-ava with pleading eyes , pouting like [an idiot]913-an idiot , but [she]60-sarah just shakes [her]60-sarah head and gently urges [[my]2813-john wilful little lady]2723-my wilful little lady towards [me]2813-john . [She]60-sarah ’s smiling at [me]2813-john now , [her]60-sarah arms reaching up for [me]2813-john to take [her]60-sarah . [She]60-sarah melts [my]2813-john fucking heart but [Jesus Christ]306-jesse , what the hell am [I]2813-john facing in the years to come ? [I]2813-john ’ll be bald or maybe even dead . Or [I]2813-john could be in [prison]4292-prison because if [any little fucker]2725-any little fucker lays [his]2725-any little fucker hands on [her]60-sarah , [I]2813-john ’ll rip [their]2726-their fucking heart out . [I]2813-john scoop [her]60-sarah up and leave [Ava]536-ava to help [[my]2813-john easy going boy]2727-my easy going boy put [his]2727-my easy going boy converse on . ‘ [Dad]2779-dad , [you]2779-dad need to calm down . [You]2779-dad ’ll give [yourself]2779-dad a heart attack . ’[60-sarah] [She]60-sarah snuggles into [my]2813-john neck and [my]2813-john raging , crazy love for [[my]2813-john defiant little lady]60-sarah is fully restored . But [[my]2813-john wife]60-sarah gets [her]60-sarah forth retribution fuck of the day . ‘ It ’s [daddy]60-sarah . And [you]2779-dad need to stop listening to [[your]2779-dad mother]60-sarah . ’[60-sarah] [I]2813-john take [the stairs]3122-the stairs fast and burst into [[her]60-sarah room]2729-her room , throwing [her]60-sarah on the bed . [My]2813-john heart bursts , listening to [her]60-sarah squeal in delight before [she]60-sarah jumps straight up and starts bouncing up and down , [her]60-sarah long , chocolate locks flying all over [the place]2776-the place . ‘ Right , ’[60-sarah] [I]2813-john rub [my]2813-john hands together in an attempt to make what [I]2813-john ’m about to suggest exciting . Where will [I]2813-john find [her]60-sarah jeans and jumpers ? [I]2813-john pull [her]60-sarah pink wardrobe doors open and start skimming through the rails , immediately laying [my]2813-john hands on something full and frilly . [I]2813-john pull it out and hold the hideous thing up . [She]60-sarah mirrors [my]2813-john look of disgust . ‘[2813-john] [[Your]2731-your nana]2732-your nana needs to stop buying [you]2732-your nana dresses . ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john know . ’ [She]60-sarah sits down and crosses [her]60-sarah legs . ‘[2813-john] Will [you]2732-your nana trample [her]60-sarah today , [dad]264-matt ? ’ ‘[128-daddy] [Daddy]128-daddy , ’ [I]2813-john retort , shoving the dress on the top shelf , out of sight . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john might do . ’ ‘[2813-john] It ’s funny . ’ [she]60-sarah giggles . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john know . ’ [I]2813-john pull out a cute little sailor dress . There are no sleeves , but [I]2813-john ’ll find a cardigan . ‘[2813-john] How about this ? ’ ‘[264-matt] No , [dad]264-matt . ’ ‘[128-daddy] [Daddy]128-daddy . What about this ? ’ [I]2709-maddie present [her]60-sarah with a lemon , shin length brocade thing , but [she]60-sarah shakes [her]60-sarah defiant little head . ‘[2709-maddie] [Maddie]2709-maddie , ’ [I]2709-maddie sigh . ‘[2709-maddie] [You]2709-maddie are not wearing that . ’ [God]306-jesse give [me]2813-john fucking strength quick before [I]2813-john wring [her]60-sarah stubborn little neck . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’ll wear tights . ’ [She]60-sarah jumps up and pulls the draw of [her]60-sarah pink chest open . ‘[2813-john] These ones . ’ [she]60-sarah says , holding up some candy striped things . [I]2813-john tilt [my]2813-john head on an agreeable nod . [I]2813-john can work with that . ‘[2813-john] What about the t - shirt ? ’ [She]60-sarah looks down and strokes [her]60-sarah little belly . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john like [this one]644-this one . ’ ‘[2813-john] Then how about [we]2735-we buy it in a bigger size ? ’ [I]566-good girl ’m[566-good girl] compromising . [I]2813-john pull down a long sleeved , mint green t - shirt covered in love hearts and hold it up , all keen and smiley . ‘ [I]2813-john love this one . Make daddy happy . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m fucking pouting like [a sad , desperate twat]4406-a sad , desperate twat , and [I]2813-john can tell [her]566-good girl five year old mind thinks [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] a twat , too . ‘ Okay , ’[566-good girl] [she]566-good girl sighs heavily . This is stupid . [She]566-good girl ’s the one humouring [me]2813-john . ‘ [Good girl]566-good girl , ’[566-good girl] [I]2813-john pick [her]566-good girl up and stand [her]566-good girl on the bed . ‘ Lift . ’[566-good girl] [She]566-good girl throws [her]566-good girl arms in the air and lets [me]2813-john rid [her]566-good girl torso of the half t - shirt before replacing it with the green one that [I]2813-john love so much , then [I]2813-john get [her]566-good girl out of the shorts and cover [her]566-good girl little legs with the delightful candy striped tights before replacing the little denim things . ‘ Perfect . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john stand back and nod [my]2813-john approval , then collect [her]566-good girl silver converse hi - tops from the wardrobe . ‘ These ? ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john do n’t know why [I]2813-john ’m asking , [she]566-good girl refuses to wear anything else . ‘[2813-john] Yep . ’ [She]566-good girl falls to [her]566-good girl cute little butt and holds [her]566-good girl foot up for [me]128-daddy to slip them on . ‘[128-daddy] [Daddy]128-daddy ? ’ [I]566-good girl tense from head to toe at the sound of the name [I]566-good girl ’m[566-good girl] constantly demanding [she]566-good girl call [me]2813-john . [She]566-good girl wants something . ‘ [Maddie]2709-maddie , ’[566-good girl] [I]2813-john reply slowly , cautiously . ‘ [I]2813-john ’d like [a little sister]4407-a little sister . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john nearly fall on [my]2813-john arse with laughter . [Another girl]2737-another girl ? Fuck [me]2813-john , [you]2737-another girl ’d have to drug [me]2813-john and string [me]2813-john up to extract [my]2813-john seed . Not a fucking chance , no way in hell , never , no way . ‘ What ’s so funny ? ’[2737-another girl] [She]2737-another girl looks at [my]2813-john laughing face , all puzzled . ‘ [Me]2737-another girl and [mummy]0-my beautiful girl are happy with just [you]2737-another girl two . ’[2737-another girl] [I]2813-john pacify [her]2737-another girl , quickly getting the other shoe on , eager to escape [this room]285-this room and the conversation . ‘ [Mummy]2774-kate wants [another baby]2739-another baby . ’[2737-another girl] [she]2737-another girl informs [me]2813-john , and [my]2813-john shocked eyes fly up to serious chocolate ones . [Ava]536-ava wants [another baby]2739-another baby ? But [she]2737-another girl hated pregnancy . [I]2813-john loved it . [She]2737-another girl hated it . [I]2813-john loved everything about it , except the birth . [She]2737-another girl really got [her]2737-another girl revenge during that hellish twenty four hours . [I]2813-john was stabbed with nails , yelled at constantly and threatened with divorce on numerous occasions . And [her]2737-another girl mouth was like [a fucking sewer]2740-a fucking sewer . But what killed [me]2813-john the most was seeing [her]2737-another girl in so much pain and being unable to stop it . [I]2813-john could do fuck all about it , and [I]2813-john never plan on putting [her]2737-another girl through that again . ‘ [We]4409-we just need [you]4409-we two . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john affirm , lifting [her]2737-another girl from the bed and placing [her]2737-another girl on [her]2737-another girl tiny , silver coated feet . ‘ [I]2737-another girl know . ’[2737-another girl] [She]2737-another girl runs off laughing . ‘ [Mum]246-mum said [your]246-mum eyes would bug and [they]4410-they did ! ’[2737-another girl] [I]2813-john actually laugh , but not because it ’s funny . It ’s not . It ’s because [I]2813-john ’m so fucking relieved . [I]2813-john could never refuse [Ava]536-ava if [she]2737-another girl did want [another baby]2739-another baby , not after [my]2813-john fucked up , creative way of getting [us]4412-us [our]4412-us adorable carbon copies of each other . [I]2813-john smile , a full on smile , the one [I]2813-john save only for [[my]2813-john babies]1517-my babies . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] so glad [I]2813-john hid those pills . * * * It really is the longest afternoon of [my]2813-john fucking life . [Dozens of kids]2741-dozens of kids run around screaming , and [[their]2741-dozens of kids mother]2774-kate ’s pretend to be watching [their]2741-dozens of kids off - spring , but [I]2813-john ’m under constant surveillance by [the desperate bunch of [bored housewives]4415-bored housewives]4414-the desperate bunch of bored housewives . Maybe [I]2813-john should ditch the personal training and invest some time in advising [the husbands of [these women]473-these women]473-these women how to please [them]473-these women - lessons in various degrees of fucking , perhaps . [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] nodding thoughtfully to [myself]2813-john when [[my]2813-john mum]2774-kate appears in [my]2813-john line of sight . [She]2774-kate ’s got that look , and [I]2813-john know [I]2813-john ’m about to be lectured . ‘[217-son] [Son]217-son , take it easy . ’ [She]2774-kate eyes up the bottle of [Bud]218-bud in [my]381-mother hand , prompting [me]381-mother to take a swig . [I]381-mother walk over to [her]2774-kate and tuck [her]2774-kate anxious body into [my]381-mother side . ‘[381-mother] [Mother]381-mother , stop [your]381-mother fussing . ’ [I]2813-john start leading [her]2774-kate over to the decking , where [[my]2813-john father]1633-my father , [Amalie]152-amalie and [Doctor David]153-doctor david are all sitting , chatting happily . [[My]2813-john babies]2767-my parents could n’t keep [[my]2813-john parents]2767-my parents away , either . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john just … ’ [she]2774-kate stammers over [her]2774-kate words , placing [her]2774-kate wrinkled palm on [my]2813-john stomach and rubbing lightly . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john just worry , that ’s all . ’ [I]2813-john know [she]2774-kate does , but [she]2774-kate has no need to . [I]2813-john can enjoy a few beers , just like the rest of [them]2767-my parents , and [I]2813-john can do it in a relaxed atmosphere with [[my]2813-john family]234-my family . [I]2813-john still do n’t touch the vodka , though . ‘[2813-john] Well , [I]2813-john said [you]2743-you should n’t , so [you]2743-you wo n’t . End of . ’ [I]2743-you encourage [her]2774-kate to take a seat next to [[my]2743-you father]2779-dad . ‘[2743-you] Do [you]2743-you want a beer , [Dad]2779-dad ? ’ [He]2779-dad looks up at [me]2779-dad on a smile . ‘[2779-dad] No , [son]2779-dad . [I]2813-john promised [Jacob]786-jake a few bounces on that inflatable thing . ’ [He]786-jake points across the lawns and [I]786-jake turn , seeing [dozens of [kids]4421-kids]2741-dozens of kids , pumped up on E - numbers , jumping and screaming on [the bouncy castle]4422-the bouncy castle . ‘[786-jake] Good luck ! ’ [David]153-doctor david laughs , resting [his]153-doctor david hand on [[his]153-doctor david pregnant wife]3379-his pregnant wife ’s bulging belly . [I]786-jake smile fondly and watch [[my]786-jake dad]2779-dad slowly make [his]2779-dad way over to [Jacob]786-jake , who ’s frantically waving for [[his]2779-dad granddad]4424-his granddad . And then [I]786-jake spot [Elizabeth]215-elizabeth knelt in front of [Maddie]2709-maddie , tying [her]2744-her locks in fucking bunches . ‘[786-jake] Leave [her]2744-her alone , [Mum]246-mum ! ’ [I]219-trample shout across [the garden]1567-the garden , earning [myself]219-trample a filthy look from [Elizabeth]215-elizabeth and a giggle from [[my]219-trample little lady]215-elizabeth . ‘[219-trample] [Trample]219-trample , [Daddy]128-daddy ! ’ [Maddie]2709-maddie shrieks , batting [her]2745-ava ’s long suffering mother nana ’s hand away from [her]2745-ava ’s long suffering mother hair and running off to reclaim [[her]2745-ava ’s long suffering mother tree house]4426-her tree house . [I]128-daddy ’m[128-daddy] grinning as [I]2813-john watch [[Ava]536-ava ’s long suffering mother]2745-ava ’s long suffering mother pull [herself]2745-ava ’s long suffering mother to [her]2745-ava ’s long suffering mother feet . [I]2813-john ca n’t help it . [She]2745-ava ’s long suffering mother turns a frighteningly dirty look on [me]2813-john , making [me]2813-john grin further . Nothing gives [me]2813-john greater pleasure than rubbing [her]2745-ava ’s long suffering mother up the wrong way , but [she]2745-ava ’s long suffering mother does n’t do a bad job of returning the favour , so [I]2813-john ’m not going to beat [myself]2813-john up about it . [I]2813-john ’ll just keep enjoying it . ‘[2813-john] Why did [[your]2746-you daughter]2774-kate have to be like [you]2746-you ? ’ [she]2774-kate yells across to [me]2813-john . [I]2813-john nearly spit [my]2813-john beer out . ‘[2813-john] [Me]2813-john ? ’ ‘[2746-you] Yes , [you]2746-you ! Challenging ! ’ [I]2746-you scoff . [She]2774-kate has to be joking . ‘[2746-you] [I]2813-john think [you]2746-you ’ll find that [[my]2813-john little lady]2774-kate is [the prodigy of [[your]2746-you daughter]2774-kate]2774-kate . Defiant ! ’ [She]2774-kate huffs and puffs , straightening out [her]2774-kate blouse before heading towards [the kitchen]3044-the kitchen to help [Ava]536-ava . Challenging ? [The stupid woman]2774-kate does n’t know what [she]2774-kate ’s fucking talking about . Leaving [[my]1227-my man mum]2774-kate with [Amalie]152-amalie and [David]153-doctor david , [I]1227-my man stroll over to [[our]4428-our friends , who have all , unsurprisingly , taken up residence by [the bar]2773-the bar]4429-our friends , who have all , unsurprisingly , taken up residence by the bar . ‘[1227-my man] [[My]2813-john man]1227-my man ! ’ [Sam]2844-sam slaps [my]220-everyone back and [John]2813-john nods as [I]220-everyone dip so [Kate]2774-kate can kiss [my]220-everyone cheek . ‘[220-everyone] [Everyone]220-everyone good ? ’ [I]83-drew ask , collapsing into one of the chairs . ‘[83-drew] Where ’s [Drew]83-drew ? ’ [Kate]2774-kate laughs , pointing to [the bouncy castle where [Drew]83-drew]4431-the bouncy castle where drew is scrambling through the masses of [kids]4421-kids to find [[his]83-drew daughter]1695-her mother . ‘[1227-my man] [He]1227-my man ’s making sure that [Georgia]221-georgia returns to [[her]221-georgia mother]1695-her mother with no cuts or bruises . ’ ‘[4421-kids] Talking of [kids]4421-kids , ’ [I]306-jesse point [my]306-jesse bottle between [Kate]2774-kate and [Sam]2844-sam , and fail to maintain [my]306-jesse seriousness when [John]2813-john ’s body starts shaking , making [the whole fucking house]4432-the whole fucking house vibrate behind [me]306-jesse with that deep , rolling laugh . ‘[306-jesse] [Jesse]306-jesse , ’ [she]1695-her mother breathes , exhausted by the constant question . ‘[306-jesse] [I]2813-john ’ve told [you]306-jesse . There is not a maternal bone in this body . ’ ‘[306-jesse] [You]306-jesse manage [[my]2813-john babies]1517-my babies all right . ’ [I]306-jesse point out . [She]1695-her mother ’s great with [them]1517-my babies . ‘[306-jesse] Yes , that is because [I]2813-john get to hand the adorable creatures back to [you]306-jesse when [I]2813-john ’m fed up of [them]1517-my babies . ’[2849-my wife] [She]2849-my wife grins , and [I]2813-john match it , raising [my]2813-john bottle for [her]2849-my wife to chink . ‘ [I]2849-my wife ’m[2849-my wife] going to find [[my]2813-john wife]2849-my wife . ’ [I]956-my boy stand back up , keen to locate [her]2849-my wife and advise [her]2849-my wife on what exactly [I]956-my boy plan on doing to [her]2849-my wife later . Where is [she]2849-my wife ? [I]956-my boy find [her]2849-my wife in [the kitchen]3044-the kitchen with [Cathy]1284-cathy , who has taken over food preparations . ‘[956-my boy] There ’s [[my]2813-john boy]956-my boy ! ’ [[My]2813-john old housekeeper]2849-my wife sings , reaching up to kiss [my]2813-john cheek before exiting [the kitchen]3044-the kitchen with a tray full of tiny sandwiches , crusts cut off . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’ll tell [Clive]90-clive to gather [the children]2754-the children . Wonderful day ! ’ Watching [her]2755-she leave , [I]2755-she turn slowly until [my]2755-she eyes find what [they]2754-the children ’re[2755-she] looking for . [She]2755-she ’s watching [me]2813-john closely , and those eyes are smoking out . [She]2755-she ’ll never get enough of [me]2813-john . ‘ [I]2755-she ’ve missed [you]2755-she . ’[2755-she] [I]2813-john stalk forward , placing [my]2813-john bottle on the worktop as [I]2813-john pass . The tea towel is dropped from [her]2755-she hands , and [she]2755-she ’s leaning back on the counter , willing [me]2813-john on , the little temptress . [I]2813-john ’m not gentle . [I]306-jesse grab [her]2755-she and pin [her]2755-she to the wall , [my]306-jesse mouth falling to the sweet flesh of [her]2755-she neck . ‘[306-jesse] [Jesse]306-jesse , do n’t . ’ [she]2755-she exhales , arching [herself]2755-she into [my]306-jesse chest . ‘[306-jesse] Later , [I]2813-john ’m ripping this dress off and [I]2813-john ’m[2813-john] going to fuck [you]306-jesse into next year . ’ [She]2755-she moans , raising [her]2755-she bare knee and rubbing it lightly over [my]2813-john solid cock . Control , control , control . Fucking control . ‘[2813-john] Deal . ’ [She]2755-she wisely agrees , not that [she]2755-she has a choice . Wherever , whenever , [she]2755-she knows that . But not fucking now . [I]2813-john growl [my]2813-john frustration and rip [my]2813-john body from [hers]2755-she . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john fucking love [you]306-jesse . ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john know . ’ [She]2755-she smiles , but it does n’t make [her]2755-she eyes sparkle like usual . ‘[2813-john] What ’s up , [baby]306-jesse ? ’ [I]306-jesse hunker down to get [my]306-jesse face level with [hers]2755-she . ‘[306-jesse] Tell [me]2813-john . ’ [She]2755-she sighs and flicks [me]306-jesse almost nervous eyes . ‘[306-jesse] [I]2813-john wish [Dan]464-dan was here . ’ It takes every ounce of [my]2813-john love for [this woman]464-dan , not to roll [my]2813-john eyes or growl in frustration . The bloke rubs [me]2813-john up the wrong way , [I]2813-john ca n’t help it . ‘[2813-john] Hey , [you]306-jesse know [he]464-dan ’s fine . ’ [I]464-dan remind [her]2755-she . Fuck [me]464-dan , [the prick]4434-the prick ’s cost [me]464-dan near on half a fucking million since [I]464-dan ’ve known [him]464-dan , not that [I]464-dan will ever share that with [Ava]536-ava . [She]2755-she knows about the first bailout , but not the subsequent two . [She]2755-she ’ll only get [her]2755-she knickers in a twist . [He]464-dan just ca n’t keep [himself]464-dan out of trouble . ‘[464-dan] It ’s too hard for [him]464-dan , ’ [I]464-dan say what [I]464-dan know will ease [her]2755-she . ‘[464-dan] With [Kate]2774-kate and [Sam]2844-sam , [you]2844-sam know . ’ ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john know . ’ [she]2755-she agrees . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m being stupid . ’[2813-john] ‘ No , [you]2844-sam ’re[2844-sam] not . Kiss [me]2813-john , [wife]2844-sam . ’ [I]2844-sam need to distract [her]2755-she . [She]2755-she does n’t waste any time . [She]2755-she ’s on [me]2844-sam immediately , moaning into [my]2844-sam mouth and yanking at [my]2844-sam hair . It always works . ‘[2844-sam] [You]2844-sam taste delicious . ’ [I]2844-sam ’m[2844-sam] growling . Fucking hell , [I]2813-john ’m going to lose [my]2813-john fucking mind . [I]2813-john bite [her]2756-her lip and push [my]2813-john hips into the curves of [her]2756-her perfect body . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m getting rid of [them]4435-them . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john declare . ‘ Fucking imposters . ’[2756-her] [She]2756-her grins that fucking grin , hardening [me]2813-john further . ‘ Stop being unreasonable . ’[2756-her] [She]2756-her laughs . ‘ It ’s [your]2844-sam babies day . ’[2756-her] ‘ There is nothing unreasonable about [me]2813-john wanting [you]2844-sam and [[my]2813-john babies]1517-my babies all to [myself]2813-john . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john try to focus on cooling down [my]2813-john raging hard on , but with [my]2813-john body pushed up to [hers]2757-her , those eyes begging for [me]2813-john to claim [her]2757-her , it ’s fucking impossible . ‘ [I]2813-john ca n’t look at [you]2844-sam . ’[2813-john] [I]2813-john mutter , stepping away and exiting [the kitchen]3044-the kitchen sharply before [I]2813-john bend [her]2757-her over the counter top . [I]2813-john ’m about to trample the party . * * * [I]2813-john virtually kick [the last people]4437-the last people out , which happen to be [[Ava]536-ava ’s parents]4438-ava ’s parents and [they]4438-ava ’s parents ’re[2813-john] taking [[my]2813-john babies]1517-my babies for the night , so [I]2813-john ’m delicate - ish . [I]2813-john lean into the back of [[Joseph]464-dan ’s car]4439-joseph ’s car , [my]2813-john heart pounding happily at the sound of [[my]2813-john babies]1517-my babies giggling when [I]2813-john take turns to smother them . ‘[2813-john] Be bad for [nana]2760-nana . ’ [I]536-ava wink , get another collective giggle and a scold from [Elizabeth]215-elizabeth before shutting the door and sprinting back into [the house]418-the house on the prowl . ‘[536-ava] [Ava]536-ava ? ’ [I]536-ava shout , poking [my]536-ava head around the kitchen door . ‘[536-ava] [Ava]536-ava ? ’ ‘[536-ava] [You]536-ava have to find [me]2813-john ! ’ [She]215-elizabeth laughs , but [I]536-ava ca n’t figure out from which direction that silky voice came from . Damn it , [she]215-elizabeth ’s playing fucking games . ‘[536-ava] [Ava]536-ava , do n’t make [me]2813-john crazy mad . ’ [I]536-ava warn . Where the fuck is [she]215-elizabeth ? ‘[536-ava] [Ava]536-ava ? ’ [She]215-elizabeth ’s silent now , and so copping it when [I]536-ava get [my]536-ava hands on that body . ‘[536-ava] For fuck sake ! ’ [I]536-ava yell , taking the stairs four at a time and crashing into [[our]4441-our bedroom]663-the bedroom . ‘[536-ava] [Ava]536-ava ? ’ Nothing . [I]536-ava stand in the middle of [the bedroom]663-the bedroom contemplating [my]536-ava next move . It does n’t take [me]536-ava long . ‘[536-ava] Three , ’ [I]536-ava say it evenly and with optimum confidence . [I]536-ava am confident . [She]215-elizabeth ca n’t resist [me]536-ava . ‘[536-ava] Two , ’ [I]536-ava keep still , listening for any sign of movement . Nothing . ‘[536-ava] One , ’ [I]464-dan say quietly , [my]464-dan cock twitching wildly . [I]464-dan know [she]215-elizabeth ’s near . ‘[464-dan] Zero , [baby]464-dan . ’ [she]215-elizabeth whispers from behind [me]464-dan , [her]215-elizabeth seductive voice pulling the corners of [my]464-dan lips up . [I]464-dan turn and nearly stagger back at the sight of [her]215-elizabeth standing before [me]464-dan , in just a small pair of lace knickers . Fuck [me]464-dan , [she]215-elizabeth gets more beautiful every day . Despite [my]464-dan urgency , [I]464-dan take [my]464-dan time absorbing [her]215-elizabeth in all of [her]215-elizabeth flawlessness , [my]464-dan eyes dragging over [her]215-elizabeth firm , perfectly formed breasts , over [her]215-elizabeth ridiculously flat stomach and down those fabulous legs . [I]464-dan ’m[464-dan] throbbing as [I]2813-john watch [her]464-dan slide [her]464-dan lace down [her]464-dan thighs , and [I]2813-john take [my]2813-john time unbuttoning [my]2813-john shirt and removing [my]2813-john jeans . [She]464-dan does n’t seem to mind . [Her]464-dan big brown eyes are enthralled by [my]2813-john leanness . Nothing changes . ‘ Do [you]2813-john like what [you]2813-john see ? ’[2813-john] [My]2813-john voice is low and tempting , although [this woman]464-dan needs no tempting when it comes to [me]2813-john . [Her]464-dan lips part and [her]464-dan tongue creeps along [her]464-dan full bottom lip . [I]2813-john ’m rigid . Everywhere . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’m used to it . ’[464-dan] [she]464-dan whispers , [her]464-dan eyes flicking across [my]2813-john chest . [I]2813-john ’m on [her]464-dan in a flash , [my]2813-john mouth attacking [hers]464-dan with brute force . [She]464-dan does n’t stop [me]2813-john and [she]464-dan never will . [Her]464-dan legs wrap around [my]2813-john hips , [her]464-dan arms around [my]2813-john neck and [she]464-dan ’s all [mine]2813-john again . ‘[2813-john] How loud do [you]2762-you think [you]2762-you ’ll scream when [I]2813-john fuck [you]2762-you ? ’ [I]2813-john ask , ramming [her]2763-her up against the wall , breathing in [her]2763-her face . ‘[2813-john] [I]2813-john ’d say quite loud ? ’ [she]2763-her pants , grappling at [my]2813-john hard back before shifting [her]2763-her hands into [my]2813-john hair and yanking , hard . [I]2813-john smile , rear back and slam into [her]2763-her , [my]2813-john head falling back on a yell , [my]2813-john hearing being saturated by the sound of [her]2763-her screaming . [I]2813-john do n’t demand to see [her]2763-her eyes anymore . [I]2813-john do n’t need to check [she]2763-her ’s real . As long as [my]2813-john heart keeps beating , [I]2813-john ’ll know that [she]2763-her is . End of .